“Oh mirror in the sky, what is love. Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? ….time makes ya bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too…”
Listened to this song the other day and it brought forth so many suppressed emotions from within me. This “season” of my life is a tough one. I nearly lost a child a couple of months ago. My child will never be the same person he was before he made the mistake that we all live with forever now. Kids don’t understand consequences. That their choices can literally cost them everything. We were just getting to a place where we were building our new normal as a family, and then my mom got sick. Her health went downhill so fast. She spent 4 weeks in the hospital. She was just released on Tuesday afternoon, but her life looks very different now. Which means, once again, my life was turned inside out as well. I’ve been put in this very difficult position of having to sort of “parent” my own parents. My dad has struggled terribly with all of this. I’ve tried to be strong for him and for my mom.
My relationship with Adam is solid. We are committed to one another. The tragedy we’ve dealt with, we’ve done it together. Poor Adam so badly wants to take my pain, but life doesn’t work like that. I’m married to an amazing man. I’m stubborn and I’ve retreated within myself over the last several weeks. I hadn’t even been able to write here about everything. I couldn’t acknowledge everything because I knew that I would completely fall apart if I spent any time allowing myself to feel. I’m starting to slowly give my own pent up feelings a voice. I didn’t intend this blog of mine to have “heavy” things like this written in it. It was supposed to be a lighthearted and fun blog where I could write about the kinkier, sillier side of my relationship. There hasn’t been a whole lot of that stuff in our marriage lately, though. I want to get back there so badly. I was wondering to myself if this is just life now. Is painful, life altering, shit going to keep coming at me regularly? I’m 35 years old. I think I’m honestly much more afraid of getting old than I am of dying. The older I get, the more people I find myself saying goodbye to. I miss the life I had five minutes before I got that phone call from my son’s school back in August. I haven’t felt “light” in such a long time.
I know this isn’t an upbeat, fun thing I’ve written here tonight. I suppose that’s part of the reason I haven’t been writing, too. I’m not a negative person. I’m not one of those people who seem almost giddy to have an excuse to be a grouch.
I don’t have a good way to end this post, so I’ll just leave it here and hopefully the coming days will bring me something good to write about 🙂