Life, lemons, lemonade..and all that BS

For reasons I’d rather not get into, my dad has moved in with us for awhile. I’m sort of in this weird place of trying to “parent” my parent, while also parenting my children. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Adam. He is the only person in my life who I don’t have to be strong around. I have a younger brother and sister. Being the oldest, I’ve always assumed the role of the leader, the strong one. I’m not much of a crier. I hide my fears, my pain, my sorrow from the world. Adam takes on all of those emotions that I can’t share with anyone besides him. This whole last year has been the roughest year of my life, so far. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly. I guess I’ve been pretty privileged to not have grown up in chaos or experienced loss like I have recently. I look around me, and every person I know is going through something right now. This is such a difficult time for everyone. Knowing and feeling sad that others are hurting still doesn’t stop my own pain. It’s real. It’s here with me all the time.

I really really need Adam to spank me, to fuck me, to tell me exactly what he wants me to do to him, and exactly what he plans to do to me. I need to feel sexy again. I need to escape from all of this responsibility for just a few toe curling, orgasmic minutes. I already feel mostly helpless against the things happening to and around me. It’s different being helpless with Adam, though. I know I’m safe with him. I know he’s got me. I know he isn’t ever going to let me down. He is my safe space in this life. I never thought I’d let myself need a man. Want, yes. Love, yes. Need, noooo. Adam had a very near death experience a few weeks ago while he was working on his truck. In that split second, I saw my future without him, and it terrified me. When did I get so needy? Am I irresponsible for allowing myself to get this deep in? I can’t swim to shore anymore. I’m too far out. My lifeboat is my husband. For better or worse, that’s the way it is.

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