Love Hurts

Adam and I had a big argument a couple of weeks ago. It all started when a neighbor asked Adam if he would be interested in buying his zero turn lawn mower and named the price. Adam said yes, he was interested and I immediately started to fume!! We don’t have a yard so big here that we need a darned mower like that, AND there’s been some uncertainty around Adam’s company and its future, post corona. I felt it was extremely irresponsible to go spending thousands of dollars on a completely UNnecessary piece of yard equipment. I got a little dramatic because I said, to Adam and our neighbor “seriously? We don’t even know for sure you’re going to have a job next week, but you’re interested in a lawn mower??” I could instantly see on Adam’s face this mixture of hurt and anger. Rather than drop it, however, I continued to make my opinions clear in ways that (admittedly) belittled my husband. There are these rage fueled moments where I do and say things so out of character for me. It’s almost as if I have temporarily lost control of my own mouth.

After our neighbor left, supper was ready. We ate with the kids and my dad and then went our separate ways. Adam went out back to sit and I went downstairs to wallow in my still simmering frustrations. That’s when I decided it was a good idea to text my husband and let him really know how I felt. (As if that hadn’t been done enough at this point.) I wasn’t exactly respectful or considerate in my texts either. Adam responded with a short text back that read “I will do whatever the fuck I want to. I have never let you or the kids down. Enough.” Well, it wasn’t quite enough for me yet. More heated messages were sent from my phone to him, but no more were received on mine. We ended up going to bed ignoring each other that night. I hate that, but I’m also incredibly stubborn and, when I’m in a mood, I just can’t give up that easily.

About 24 hours later, Adam called me to our bedroom and I repeated my own frustrations while he listened patiently. When I was finished, he told me how embarrassed he was when I said that about his work because he’s always made good money and works very hard. I emasculated him. Having him describe how it hurt to hear me say those things snapped me out of the trance I’d been in. I realized how cruel and insensitive I had been with my words. I knew I had a spanking coming, but I also felt I had earned it.

The catharsis that comes after my husband pulls me over his knee and spanks me to tears is the very reason I’m totally on board with this DD thing. I also had a realization that I shared with Adam later. Every single time I’ve acted that way towards him, there was fear and insecurity brewing in me. It’s like there’s a little man on my shoulder telling me “he doesn’t got you”, “Remember when he screwed up that time?”, “YOU need to take charge because he isn’t going to lead well in this situation.” I begin to doubt Adam and his ability to provide and protect our family. I start refusing to submit in an effort to prove to myself just how right that little man on my shoulder is about Adam’s inabilities and failures. For that moment, I lose the trust and faith that make up the very foundation of our marriage. I need Adam to remind me he’s got this. I need him to take a good hold on the reigns and put me back in the passenger seat. I need him to punish me, and then to forgive me so that we can both move forward. Then, I can finally settle into the cozy place where I feel most at peace, right next to my husband.

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