Adam and I have been having really good conversations the last few nights. It occurred to me that it might almost seem as if I’ve done or said things because I actually wanted Adam to spank me. Like it’s just a sexy, fun game we’re playing. Adam slaps my ass all the time. That is sexy and fun. I’m never out doing stupid shit because I want to make him angry, though. Teasing, playing around, yes. Being disrespectful and not following through with things, that’s never because I think a spanking would be fun. I got to thinking about it. Let’s say you’re not wearing your seatbelt, you speed through a work zone and nearly rear ended the car in front of you. You see the red and blue lights come on in your rear view mirror, and you have to pull over. Would any of us have been doing those things specifically because you wanted to get pulled over? Heck no! You’ve been reckless, and you’ve been caught now. Here are your options. You could get a speeding ticket, OR you can go to prison. If you had to pick, which one would most of us prefer? I know I’d take the speeding ticket. I don’t want one. Now my insurance rates will increase. I have hundreds of dollars I have to pay in fines. However, that’s most definitely the better alternative to being sent to prison.
Adam and I had one of those WW3 kind of fights last weekend. That’s “prison”, for me. 10 out of 10 times I would tell you I’d prefer the “speeding ticket”. Did I want him to spank me? No. I wanted to give him hell and to get away with it. At least, I did in the moment. Looking back, I so wish he’d have just spanked me for the way I acted and then I could’ve calmly explained my own upset in our situation. I’d have been remorseful for my part in it, he would no longer be angry or need to punish me, and I could then talk to him about the reasons I was feeling hurt and frustrated.
We don’t always handle ourselves well. These WW3 type fights are very rare. In these instances, I would most definitely prefer a “speeding ticket”. Hell, a “warning” has worked before! Adam and I have talked a lot about this over the last few days. I don’t give him serious reasons to want to spank me very often. Maybe I get mouthy every few weeks. I am a smart ass most of the time. I usually use my wit for good, but I can be disrespectful toward him with my attitude at times. I hadn’t neglected my “job” here at home for a very long time, until recently. I’ve been on track and haven’t let anything else slide so far. I’ve done very good with that lately. There are times, probably like once a year, if not longer in between, when I just go all in. I’m being a bitch, and I know it. I don’t care. I know I’m not handling myself the way I should be. I know I’m not helping the situation by continuing to poke and prod at Adam in an effort to get him as angry as I am. I want him to feel what I feel. To see what I’m seeing. Once I have sufficiently pissed him off, it’s game on. The truth is, I never want it to go that far. Inside, I am screaming for him to make this stop. To end this. To assure me that he is still in control and this isn’t going to happen again. I’ve talked to him about these things plenty. I’ve told myself that I won’t let it get like that next time. I remind myself how deeply I really do desire to show my husband respect. I still fail sometimes. The very best thing to have come out of this is the brutal and unwavering honesty that has followed. I tell Adam everything. I don’t have secrets from him. The biggest reason for my upset when we fight is that I feel he doesn’t care about the things I’ve opened up about during many previous conversations. He knows everything to do and say that will rip my heart out in the moment. But, I won’t give up. I refuse to. One day, we will successfully navigate even the biggest arguments so well that they’ll never be allowed to grow into tremendous fights that hurt us both. I love that we have spent every evening this week talking. We’ve talked about all of these things. My confidence has been restored. I believe in my husband. I have faith in us. I am not going to go forward and try to screw up because I prefer it when Adam is proud of me. Inevitably, I will do something or say something stupid again, and I really do have complete confidence in my husband’s ability to handle it well, like he does most always.