Outside

And you bring me to my knees
Again
All the times that I could beg you please
In vain
All the times that I felt insecure
For you
And I leave my burdens at the door

All the times that I felt like this won’t end
It’s for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I’ve cried
My intentions were full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

All the times that I’ve cried
All this wasted, it’s all inside
And I feel all this pain
Stuffed it down, it’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone, I can’t mend
But I feel tomorrow will be okay

But I’m on the outside, I’m looking in
I can see through you, see your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly, you’re ugly like me
I can see through you, see to the real you

~Staind

That was the daily Bible verse I was shown, on my Bible app, the other day. I read it, as this song was playing on my stereo speaker. I really tried to consider, how would I obey this scripture, when it comes to my mother? How could I possibly “honor” her? I suppose this is a question I’ll need to spend more time speaking to God about. Because, I’m struggling with this one.

It’s been such a busy, full summer, already. Justin and Jackie came over, Wednesday evening. We all sat out on the deck. We stayed up a little later than usual, for a week night. It was after 10:00pm, when Adam and I came inside, to take our shower. While we’d been talking, outside, I was sharing a story I’d heard on a podcast. I told them, I hadn’t slept well, Monday night. Adam chimed in, “And why is it you didn’t sleep well?” Jackie said, “Uh oh! You didn’t tell me you got in trouble!” I told Adam to “shut up”. He made another comment, I can’t remember what? Then, I told him to “fuck off”. I caught myself, just as I’d said it, but it was already done. I told them the podcast story, and nothing more was said about my comments to Adam. That is, until we got into our bedroom, after everyone had left, and the kids were in bed. Adam spanked me, and it hurt. It hurt physically, of course, but emotionally, I was also a wreck. I’d been holding in some quiet frustrations, and they bubbled over. Our son has been becoming a hormonal teenage mess. I understand, that’s normal, but he can be a real jerk sometimes. Over the last several days, he’d yelled at me for asking him to take the trash can to the curb. He’d been disrespectful and rude, when we’d left church last Sunday. He raised his voice to me. He’d seriously crossed the line. He hasn’t been bothering to rinse his dirty dishes, as they’re always supposed to do. I had a pile of dishes with stuck on food, he’d left on the counter. I told him he needed to scrub them, and put them in the dishwasher. He stomped to the sink, and then ignored me the rest of the afternoon. Then, I’d discovered, he didn’t even attempt to scrub the dishes off. He’d just thrown them into the dishwasher. My feelings have been so hurt, but I’m literally afraid to confront my own son, because he has been acting up. I just haven’t had the energy to fight with him. I was also feeling incredibly frustrated, because Adam has witnessed some recent issues with him, but said nothing. So, after he spanked me, I felt angry as hell, at first. As we showered, I began to tell him about my upset. I turned into a blubbering mess. I told him, I feel picked on, because he expects me to always be respectful, and to obey him, but he has been allowing our child to disrespect and disobey me, without seeming to notice or care. I was crying so hard, every single word had a pause between it, while I gulped and sobbed, just trying to get through my sentences.

I could see Adam’s entire demeanor morphing, as I explained these frustrations to him. He went from angry, to confused, to hurt, and finally, acceptance. He understood why I felt this way. He also felt horrible, for allowing it to get to this point. We went to bed, and didn’t spend anymore time discussing it, that night. Last night, after he’d had some time to process, we talked it all through. He promised to pay more attention to everyone’s behavior, not just mine. He insisted, he gets where I’m coming from, he’s so sorry, and it won’t continue. I believe him.

I took the kids swimming, at Poppy’s, yesterday. Jackie, her sister and niece, and my sister and niece, also came swimming with us. Pj is growing sooo quickly!

Mj’s best friend is here, for a few days. I’m bringing them to an indoor trampoline park near us, this afternoon. Then, we’re going to swim in Jackie and Justin’s pool, for awhile.

I made chicken parmesan for supper, last night. I tried some new things, and it turned out amazing! Everyone loved it. I’m going to share the recipe I came up with, in another post.

This about catches up on everything that’s been happening here. It’s Friday! I’m in a good mood. It’s going to be another fun filled Summer weekend, and I love it all ❤️