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Controlling Ourselves

We had our neighbors and their kids over Friday evening. We made s’mores with the kids and let them all play outside on the trampoline and swing set while we sat out and talked. They’re very nice people, and their daughter is good friends with our daughter. They are “dog people” who’ve just adopted their third dog. However, I couldn’t help but feel some type a way when he kept going on and on about how pit bulls are such bad dogs. They know Oliver is a pit/lab mix. He insists it’s because he’s a mix that he’s a good boy… I so strongly disagree with that sentiment! It frustrates me to hear people who claim to love dogs not understand that pit bulls are not “bad dogs” simply because of their breed. They’re great big babies! They love kids. They’re playful and sweet. Oliver jumps on the trampoline with the kids. He understands to play more gently with our daughter when they’re doing tug of war. He absolutely loves when our friend’s 3 year old son is here. He cuddles next to him whether he’s playing or napping or watching TV. Oliver has a few pit bull friends he gets to play with sometimes, and they always play so good together! I swear…some people are idiots. I’m sorry to be so drastic, but they have no idea what they’re missing out on by writing off an entire breed of dog like that! Ok, rant over.

Saturday evening, we had a friend come by and Jackie was home. We played cornhole and then sat out around the fire pit. I’d finally talked to Jackie about how I felt about that new guy that I just don’t feel right about. This friend who was here Saturday night is a great guy who likes her a lot. She likes him too, but she has treated him crappy simply because he has allowed it from her. Adam has had conversations with him about his needing to stop being afraid to stand up to Jackie. I’ve even made a few comments while we’ve been hanging out and Jackie says or does something disrespectful. Well, Saturday night, we were playing cornhole. Jackie and I are always a team, while the other guy plays on Adam’s team. Adam and I stand on one end to throw the bag to our partners side, where Jackie and “super trooper” (that’s his nickname) stood. I didn’t catch it, but Adam had heard Jackie say something and the next thing I knew, I turned around and Adam’s pulling his belt out through his jean’s belt loops. I know that sound… I said “Wait, what? Wh…why do you have that?!” He held it up in the air and Jackie shut right up. Super trooper started to take his belt off (mostly playing around) and Jackie yelled at Adam for teaching super trooper to stand up to her. Super trooper smacked her once with his belt and she marched over to Adam to chew him out. She asked him if he knows how bad that thing hurts? He assured her that he does. She wanted to swing his belt down on him once, so he handed it to her. I warned her that it just isn’t very satisfying because he always only laughs at me when I try that! She swung and got him on the back of his thighs. He asked her if that was the best she had. I told her “SEE”!! Then, last night, I was in the shower with Adam and I saw this dark purple bruise on his leg and asked him what the world he did there!? He had no idea where it came from. Later, Jackie had mentioned when she smacked Adam and how he just laughed at her, and it finally occurred to me, that’s where that bruise came from! Then, I considered how much damage that damn belt could do if he swung it down hard on me. Adam is a hell of a lot stronger than Jackie is! I don’t know why it suddenly occurred to me that Adam is actually very gentle, even when he’s being firm. I have never, ever had a bruise like that from a spanking! Small, “finger bruises” sometimes, but nothing close to how his thigh looked. This gave me two thoughts at once. One, that is beyond scary to think what damage that belt really could do!!! Two, Adam has clearly been very in control, even when he’s upset with me, because he’s never spanked me that hard. I don’t want to be, either. I’m both more afraid of the belt, and less afraid of Adam. Not that I’ve ever been afraid of him. I just mean that it reassured me that he knows exactly what he’s doing, even when I’ve pushed so hard that he’s angry with me. He will never seriously harm me. I already knew that he wouldn’t, but that proved it to me. This does not mean he wouldn’t make it hurt hella bad! This does not mean I’m no longer afraid of his hand, belt, whatever he’s got to punish me with! Just…holy shit my husband is strong. Mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s kind of incredible to me.

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Kings & Queens

The thing I, personally, felt I needed to work on the most, was my attitude and my choice of words. When I’m grumpy, irritated, just feeling pissy, I can be incredibly disrespectful towards Adam. Every so often, I get this overwhelming “energy” that takes over me and I am convinced that he is definitely not strong enough to “fight” me on something if I really fight back hard enough. I believe that I’m right, he’s wrong, and I’m not going to let it go. I wind up treating Adam like he’s an idiot. The look on my face, the tone of my voice, and the words that I choose are all disrespectful as hell. I am on a “high” and I am not intimidated or ashamed, in the moment. It’s typically very stupid stuff I choose to argue, too. I once refused to drop an argument about how many hours he’d worked and been gone the prior year…on our anniversary…in front of a group of our friends and family. Yep. He should’ve whooped my ass. This is the thing I most felt I needed to do better. The thing I felt would be what most often got me into trouble when Adam started getting serious about consistently holding me accountable again.

I was not expecting that what has been the exclusive issue I’ve found myself in trouble for (the last several months) has been dishonesty. Or, mostly “side stepping the truth”. I was not aware that this was such a big problem for me. I never thought of myself as dishonest, especially with Adam! I find it’s the stupid crap I’m not truthful about, much like the stupid reasons I lose my shit and get disrespectful about. It’s been eye opening for me. For Adam, also, I believe. It appears I have an even bigger challenge to work harder on. I haven’t been in a situation where I got disrespectful towards Adam in a long time. Probably, since he got home from his work trip out of state in the beginning of August. That situation was not handled well by either of us. Adam has done an amazing job of dealing with my shit without it becoming a big fight between us. He stays right the hell on point. This leaves me with no way to “win” if I’m fighting him. He doesn’t insult me. I never doubt that he’s saying and doing this out of love for me. I don’t get left alone to cry myself to sleep. I might cry, but I’m not going to feel unloved and alone. There’s no fear that he won’t come back to me. I truly wonder what will happen the next time I’m overwhelmed with that disrespectful “energy” and I start up my attitude again. I’m never going to try to set that situation up. I’m not looking forward to it. I just know it will happen, one of these days. It’s not like I want another spanking like I received not long ago, I just wonder if he might still “back down” if I show him my tough, hard, fighter self again sometime. I still sort of believe I could argue my way out of something, if I really really wanted to. I’m an excellent defense attorney for myself when I need to be! I don’t mean to doubt him, I’ve just not been in this situation in a very long time where he handled it without either “stooping” down to my level and losing his authority, or backing the heck down because, let’s face it, I can be decently intimidating.

I really have worked at my attitude now for years. I have been aware of this issue within myself. I think I do a much better job of containing my inner bitch around Adam. Every once in awhile, she sneaks her way out, though.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend with my husband and have absolutely NO intention of causing any problems that might interfere with that fun. It’s Adam’s birthday today! He’s going to have to settle for a birthday blowjob, because I started my damn period this morning. I’m making his requested Chili tonight for supper. I got him his favorite candy bar, Twix. I want to show him only love today. I appreciate that he is my king, and I am his queen ❤️

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“Sitting Could be an Issue”…

Yesterday evening, I shared part of my blog post with Adam. I write very honestly here, and he knows that, so I wanted to show him that I really was petrified the other night when I didn’t know if he was ok. I share my posts with him often. Even the ones that don’t exactly make me look the best. I know that it’s been incredibly helpful for him to get these glimpses into my thoughts and feelings through my writing. I am usually much better at writing my thoughts clearly and carefully, rather than saying them out loud, because I often wish I could take back some of the shit that comes out of my mouth to him. I don’t have to worry about that here. I can take my time to say what I mean to say.

I had to drive a friend to work yesterday afternoon and I text Adam about it. I have never in my life actually had trouble sitting after longer than maybe a few hours post spanking. I always thought of that saying “you won’t sit for a week” as being just a metaphor for “you’re gonna get it”. Adam told me, the other day, that it wasn’t a good week to plan on activities that required sitting down. I knew he was just trying to make sure I was understanding that he wasn’t planning to go easy on me when he got home. It wasn’t pleasant getting spanked, but I must’ve had a lot of adrenaline coursing through me, giving me protection from some of the stinging in my behind, because I’m shocked I could still feel it 2 days later!

Tuesday Evening from Adam
Yesterday Evening from Adam

Today is, FINALLY, Friday! This week seemed endless to me, for some reason. The weather has been gorgeous. Sunny and 70s all week. We have plans with some friends for Saturday evening. Tonight, we’re just staying in. Probably go sit out on the patio and hang out. Adam has been extra sweet and thoughtful the last couple of days. I really thought maybe I could convince him that spanking was the worst ever and to save those for the biggest offenses. It seems to have worked the opposite, because he feels like he was effective, so I’m afraid my days of getting only those half hearted smacks on my ass might be over now. Except, of course, the ones he playfully gives to me regularly. He keeps slapping my butt exactly where I’ve told him hurt the worst. I don’t think he feels guilty… That’s ok, though. I’m pretty certain that, next time, it’ll be at least as bad, if not worse. So, I’m also certain that I don’t want to find myself facing that again anytime soon. Maybe he was effective, I suppose? I’ve been extra sweet and thoughtful since then, too. Adam and I are great. It should be just a fun, playful, happy weekend!

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Bruised Ego

I bruise easily. I get, what I call, “finger bruises” often. If I’m picked up under my arms, I can get them where I was held from. If I’m tickled, I’ll get them, and when I’m spanked, I sometimes get them. I have a few small “finger bruises” near my hip that Adam was noticing last night, in the shower. Likely, they’re from him holding me down when he had me bent over on our bed. I asked him “are you proud of yourself?” He gave me such a sincere look and said “NO. It’s very hard for me to have to spank you like that. I don’t regret it, but I’m sorry it came to that.” I remembered the last text messages we had sent that night, before he got home. I had text him “I love you [Adam] and I don’t want you to be mad at me or especially disappointed.” He responded back to me “I love you too. That’s why it pains me so much to have to do this.” Honestly, my butt is fine. It’s my ego that takes the biggest hit. Mentally and emotionally, there’s a powerful thing that happens to me when Adam spanks me. I feel sorry and ashamed, embarrassed, and “small”. I actually have a whole lot of power in our relationship, but not when I’m in trouble. I am at my husband’s mercy. I know that I’m safe. He would never harm me. I’m always nervous, but not because I worry that he will go too far. If anything, he’s too soft on me! When he had finished disciplining me, he stood back and asked me a question that I did not supply the correct “yes sir” response to. I giggled a little and I said something smart ass-ish. He told me he was trying to decide if the message had gotten through, and clearly it had not. He came back to me and yanked down my jeans (without even unbuttoning them) and pulled me over his lap and gave me two of the hardest hand swats he’s ever given. I pleaded with him that I didn’t mean it! I was just kidding! I’m sorry! I did not continue to give him anymore foolishness. He had successfully humbled me.

Jackie had driven over to my sister’s house to pick her up and bring her back over here for supper with us. My sister’s husband was gone for a couple of days for his work. Jackie knew all about my situation with Adam because I’d talked and texted with her about it most of the afternoon. I text her when Adam pulled into our driveway that I would let her know when to head back here. It was only about 10 minutes later that I text her again to let her know I was fine and come home and eat now. This was the following conversation…

Yesterday, Adam and I had been texting each other like we normally do periodically through the day. Until, right after noon I’d sent him something and got no response. I don’t freak out because his job has him moving from job site to site and he’s driving a lot or else he’s on site with the builders, so it can take a little while to hear back from him sometimes. After a couple of hours, I text him again asking if everything was ok? Still no response. An hour later, I tried to call him and it rang several times and went to his voicemail. Now that is very unusual. He can be in the middle of a meeting and, if I call, he’ll answer. We have an understanding. I don’t call him often. Text everyday, but calls from me always mean it’s something important. He calls me while he’s driving sometimes, but I don’t call him at work unless I need to get ahold of him now. My concern only grew after another hour passed with nothing from him. I thought about calling the office, but there are several locations in Nashville and I had no idea which one he would’ve been at. All I could do was keep trying to get ahold of him and wait. I would get anxious every time the dogs got excited at the window. Part of me panicked thinking, what if someone is here to tell me Adam got hurt really bad? Tears formed in my eyes every time thoughts like that raced through me. I kept thinking about how, just 24 hours earlier, I did not particularly want my husband to walk in the door because I knew he was going to call me into our room and spank me. Now, just 24 hours later, all I wanted in this world was for him to walk through that door. Finally, he pulled in our driveway. I ran out and said “WHAT THE HELL?!?! He showed me his phone. The entire screen was smashed. It had fallen out of his pocket while he was high off the ground and broken. I still lectured him that he could’ve called me from someone else’s phone, or the office!! He insisted he was not trying to make me worry and that he hadn’t gotten back to the office until after closing. He didn’t even go inside. Got into his truck and drove home. He did show me how he’d tried to use his phone through his truck’s Bluetooth and tell it to “call Eve”, but even that wouldn’t work. This morning, he’s getting a new damn phone! He had laughed at how worried I was when he got home, until later, when I tried to explain the overwhelming fear I had about someone showing up to tell me he wasn’t coming home. I don’t cry easily and I couldn’t even spit out the words without tears pouring down my cheeks. He felt terrible then. Promised me he would never do that again if this happens again. He would make sure to have one of the other guys at least call me to let me know what happened and that he was fine. I love that man so much! The thought of losing my one true love is more than I can bear to contemplate.

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Pebbles & Boulders

Yesterday afternoon and evening’s conversation with Adam…

Then, this morning’s conversation.

And, part of my talk with Jackie yesterday before Adam got home.

I really really took time to think about why it’s so hard for me to just tell Adam shit sometimes. Especially knowing he will never be angry or mean to me when I’m just up front. It’s probably a control thing, to be honest. I’m fighting for it, whether I truly want that power or not. I’m still convinced that he will let shit slide the way he used to (at least the last few years). He’s been much more “strict” than he was ever before, too. We talked last night and he never wants to abuse his authority, but he also says he’s not going to back down when he knows it’s time to stand up. Which, I mean, I get that. There are fragments of time, for me, where I just don’t feel like going along with Adam’s instructions. Not because I think he’s wrong, mostly just because I guess I’m that stubborn? I don’t quite know. This morning, something came up that I wasn’t excited to tell him about. Nothing that was my doing, just life crap I didn’t want to dump on him. I did tell him right away, though. I told him I feel like I don’t want to keep handing him these “pebbles”, because even small ones start to get heavy. He told me that he can handle all the shit I give to him just fine, but he’d much rather I hand him pebbles than stand here waiting til I’m throwing a boulder at him. Ok…makes sense. I don’t like to weigh him down with stuff that I think I can handle myself. He tells me that’s his job. I suppose this is my personal struggle to get right with. Well, with Adam’s help, anyway.

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To Tell, or Not to Tell

This is what started the ball to rolling, yesterday. Then, he walked inside after work, and gave me a grin and a kiss and told me “thank you for doing all that today, boo”. Well, how the heck am I going to say anything then?! This is how minor issues become major problems. Stupid, ridiculous crap. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, at the time. I like to hear him tell me “great job”. I really enjoy an evening with him when there’s not one damn thing he’s telling me to make sure I get done. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about crap. Maybe it’s purely selfish? I don’t know. It’s the honest truth, though. I don’t want him to be serious with his damn belt! I absolutely hate to hear him tell me he’s disappointed in me. My God, it’s the worst. I know all of these things, but still feel it’s easier to “sidestep” the truth to him sometimes. Always with stuff that, in the grand scheme of stuff, doesn’t matter. I’ve got to knock this shit off. I should think before I open my mouth (or send a text). I need to stop assuming it won’t matter. It always matters. Clearly, this is something that I recognize isn’t good, or right. Obviously, this is something that Adam has spent time recently trying to get me to figure out. I’m stubborn as hell. I’m still fighting him, even though I know it’s the best thing for him to hold my “feet to the fire”. Even though I understand he’s trying to help me. I don’t think of it as testing him or pushing his buttons. I honestly figure I’m going to get away with it when I “sidestep” something. Because IF it does come up later, I always have the option to say “well, I did get shit figured out. I just didn’t tell you I have more shit to do now, too”. I do not even consider that this might end up bad for me. I seriously need to get it through my thick skull that Adam means it, and he means it always. Not just when I tell him to, or when I want him to. He’s serious, regardless of whether or not I feel like he should be. I’ve gotten away with so much crap using my incredible argumentative skills. I’m either a genius or an idiot, because I have talked so much with Adam that, at this point, he’s aware of every move I’m about to make in an argument, before I even say it. He’s got the “floor plans” of my brain.

I haven’t said anything to him. At least, not yet. I don’t really feel like being in trouble today. I don’t know if I can handle the guilt, though?

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“Sidestepping” the Truth

I kind of, sort of, totally did it again. Now, I’m struggling with what I’m going to do about it. I forgot a damn paper the doctor needs to sign for the school yesterday, and I didn’t get everything I needed on immunization records yet, because we have to do a follow up appointment. It’s a long, boring story, but it ends with me not, in fact, having all this shit done. Adam text and asked if I got this done. I replied, “I’ve got my shit figured out”. Technically, this is true. I know what to do. Adam would probably disagree with how “honest” I was with this reply, though. I know for a fact he would call this “sidestepping”.

I don’t know whyyy I didn’t just explain all this to him yesterday? I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t gotten everything I needed. On the way home, a car in front of me, on the interstate, threw up a big rock from their tires and it cracked my darned windshield. I called insurance right away when I was back home. I handled that. Already have someone coming to replace my windshield tomorrow morning. I had gone into the doctor. Took almost an entire morning and afternoon to do it. I felt good about how much I had gotten done! Maybe I wanted Adam to be proud of me? I swear, it’s like instinct for me to find a way to tell him the truth, without telling the whole truth. At least, it is when it comes to crap like this. I don’t quite know how I’m going to get out of this now. I have to fax a document to the doctor for signature, which requires me sending it with Adam to work. I have to make, yet another, appointment, which is going to be hard to do without him wondering why!

He was suspicious last night. Or maybe I was just giving off my own suspicious vibes that he picked up on? I had an opportunity to tell him what was up in the shower, but I didn’t. He asked me if there was something I wasn’t telling him. I turned around like I was rinsing my face in the water, and I told him “nope”. There may be no way to argue that that wasn’t a whole ass lie, either. So, my hole is dug even deeper. And why?! Why am I so stupid with stupid crap he wouldn’t have gotten upset with me about? I can’t explain my reasoning, because it’s plain stupid. I have got to stop doing this shit! I should’ve, at least, come clean right away last night. I didn’t want to disappoint him. So, I lied to him, making future disappointment that much bigger. Stupid.

I’m literally shaking writing this down here. It seems so much worse when I spell it out like this. Like, fuck I told him a whole ass, plain and simple, no doubt about it, lie. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t ever do that when it’s big stuff. I can’t hold it in, even if I wanted to! Dumb crap like this, though…it’s so easy to convince myself it isn’t a big deal in the moment. Then, I wind up making things so much worse so that I’m at the point where it’s become a big thing. Now I’m to the point where I can’t hold it back anymore. I want him to believe me that I wouldn’t lie to him about important things. This shit isn’t helping me out, though.

I don’t know how mad he’s going to be, but I know it’s not good. I know he would be unbelievably pissed if he found out I did this before I could explain for myself. I know the right thing to do is to come clean before I dig this hole any deeper. I know I have got to learn to stop automatically “sidestepping” the truth when it’s something I don’t want to deal with. I didn’t realize I have been doing this so much until he started calling me out on it. I get it. The little shit, over time, makes it easier to cover up the big stuff later. You can’t tell a half truth, then a lie, and then not wind up telling bigger lies to keep up with the stupid half truth. I didn’t want to admit to him that I’d done that, again. So, now I’m here. Contemplating the best way to tell the truth and save my ass.

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My kids call him “Poppy”. My sister and brother and I call him Pops or Poppy most times, too. Occasionally, he’s still called “Daddy”.

My Dad is awesome with a guitar, and even better with a pen and paper, writing songs. He’s an incredible artist, an amazing father and grandpa. It was a lot of fun getting to spend the afternoon and evening here with him ❤️

We have plans to spend the evening at his house October 22. Another friend of ours called me and gave me 2 Saturdays he’s open coming up so we could see if either of them worked for us to get together. I’m usually the one who organizes our shindigs and the 22nd was the Saturday that worked for everybody. One of my most favorite things to do is to sit out and sing, play guitar, and listen to their music. I’m already looking forward to it! We haven’t been over to my Pop’s house in over a month already. It’ll be a lot of fun.

I am taking our daughter to see her doctor this morning! Getting some shit off of my “honey do” list today. Saturday, I took our son to get a new pair of glasses and he’s trying out contacts for the first time now. With baseball, it’s going to be much easier for him to wear contacts than glasses. It’s a good thing Adam’s got perfect vision, because he is the biggest baby about touching his eye and glasses just aren’t his thing! Thankfully, our son is much more like his mama. Zero problems touching his own eyes or using eye drops. I think he’ll do just fine with the contacts.

Back to the weekday grind here. Adam left for work an hour ago. It’s about 5:45am now. I wake up the kids at 6:00am. Figured, since we’ve got her doctor appointment, I’m not going to get my quiet coffee time to write here like usual after they leave for school, so I did it early today.

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Another Week’s End

Today is Sunday. We are having my dad and his girlfriend, my sister and her husband over today for dinner. I made brownies because it was my dad’s birthday last week and I wanted to do something nice for him. Adam and our son are our cutting the grass. My daughter helped me give the dogs a bath. It’s just a nice, easy Sunday and I love it!

I have nothing to report as far as I go. I’ve been great, Adam’s great, life is great. The only “issue” I have going on right now is with Jackie. Not her, specifically, her latest fling. He’s a bad guy. I felt it the first time I met him. I tried to ignore my intuition on this, but every time I meet him, I’m more convinced I’m right about him. I’d told Adam about things I’ve heard and seen while he was here. Last night, he was back here again, and Adam paid attention. He understood exactly what I was talking about. I’ve never had this happen before with Jackie’s “friends”. Even the one who was abusive, I didn’t pick up on it quickly like this. Maybe I’m more cynical now? I can’t decide what to do. Should I tell her? I just don’t know. Adam told me he absolutely trusts my gut and he’s on my side. He actually told me, “I would back you up even if I thought you were wrong, baby. But I think you’re right.” That means a lot to me ❤️