Featured

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

If I never get put over our bed, and spanked like I was last night, it’ll be too soon…

I pay most all of our bills through our banking app, or Apple Pay. For some reason, every once in awhile, something goes wrong. I scheduled one of our utility bills to come out of our account, weeks ago. I didn’t think about it again, until we got a notice that it hadn’t been paid. I went online, scanned all of my scheduled and past payments debited from our main account, and it wasn’t there. I’m still not sure how, but it disappeared. Adam didn’t doubt me, when I told him I know I had scheduled it. What he lectured me on, was not checking to make sure it had come out. This has happened before, several months ago. I agreed, I’m going to have to be more vigilant about double checking, but I didn’t feel like it was fair to get punished. Adam disagreed. He wasn’t grouchy, when he got home. We ate supper. I cleaned the kitchen. Jackie and I talked, for awhile. Adam came in, around 8:30pm, and asked me if I was ready to go take a shower. We walked into our room, and he announced, “Alright, let’s get this over with.” I protested! He swatted my butt a couple of times. It didn’t even hurt that bad. I was angry, though. I looked up at him and asked, “Are you done yet?!” He said, “Apparently not.” I refused to surrender, this time. I was mouthy. I wouldn’t give him the yes sir, he was looking for… I couldn’t begin to guess how many times his hand connected with my behind, before I finally gave in. I was struggling to contain the tears trying to escape from my eyes. Adam’s voice softened. His hands gently held onto me. He told me that, this hurts him too. Believe me, I wanted to say something snarky, but I held back.

I didn’t sleep well, last night. I couldn’t get comfortable, no matter what position I tried. My butt ached. I’d lay on my belly. My neck didn’t appreciate that. It was a long night, tossing and turning. Adam asked me, this morning, how I slept? I just groaned, because I knew that he knew I’d been rolling around, all night. He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me he loved me.

I texted him, awhile ago. I wanted to show him that I’d paid another utility bill.

Despite my sore, achy body, I’ve gotten a lot accomplished, today. The sun is shining. That helps. I can’t explain why I’m so stubborn, sometimes? I just have a very hard time accepting or admitting fault, once in awhile. When I’m seriously angry, my inner sarcastic bitch is unleashed. Until the last several months, even Adam didn’t choose to go up against her.

We’re having Jackie’s baby niece’s first birthday party here, tomorrow. After that, we’re heading to my dads. I really want it to be a fun, easygoing kind of weekend. I have absolutely zero intention of doing anything to find myself bent over this bed, unless I’m enjoying it!

Featured

Real Life (Featuring Me)

“…so much pressure I can barely breathe. My demons branding me like Yellowstone. Mama ain’t here no more to pray for me. I’m surrounded by hate, fake fame, and greed. The dark days always seem to find a way. I’ve been dealing with pain, but keep a smile on my face….I keep on goin’, cause that’s all I know. Turning off every emotion, I’m in airplane mode. I keep my past in the rear view, with my middle finger up screaming fuck you. I broke down, tore into pieces. Black clouds raining on me again. I can’t get away. Trying to get all this time I lost. I can’t get it back. One foot in, the other outside the door. I can’t make a mistake. This is real life today.”

~Seth Anthony

I know it probably isn’t the right thing to do, but I often build walls, when I’m afraid. If I’m feeling insecure, I will push Adam away. I don’t want him to move away from me. I want him to stand firm. I need to know he is still going to be there. The worst thing he can do, is move. If he doesn’t stay right where he says he’ll always be, I crumble. It isn’t fair for me to make Adam “pay for” the damage my mother has done to me, but the wounds she left have affected me deeply. I can’t help but worry that, if I fuck up, he might leave too. I think I have this fear that, if I’m not “good enough”, he might not want me anymore. I spent so many years of my life desperately trying to find ways to get affection from my mother. I tried so hard to be the daughter she expected me to be. To please her. To earn her love. And, when I failed, I felt her wrath. She could look at me with pure hatred in her eyes. Genuine, hatred. She knew all the ways to hurt me. At the same time, a part of me craves boundaries. I appreciate when Adam is willing to step up, and protect me. To make sure that I don’t cross lines that I shouldn’t. I’m ok with that. I need it. As long as I never look into his eyes, and see the look my mother used to give me. As long as he continues to do and say everything out of genuine love. I can see, hear, and feel the difference, easily. I’ve been brave and open enough to share, with Adam, so much of the things I keep hidden from the world. The things that would give him a perfect insight into how to destroy me, if he ever decided to. My mother often talked about how she intended to “destroy” me. She’d do everything she could to accomplish her goal, too! I’ve shown Adam those weak spots. That’s scary! I wore a “mask” for so long. One that pretended not to be afraid of anything. One that portrayed nothing but confidence. Admitting my weaknesses, forces me to take off that “mask”. I’m left raw and real, and very vulnerable.

I’ve given Adam a roadmap into my heart and soul. I can’t travel the path to something great, without remembering the heartache I experienced, along the way. I can tell him all of the best ways to help, but that also gives him access to all of the ways to hurt me. I explained it to Adam like this, Imagine you’re training for a big fight. You lift weights in the gym everyday. You practice how to duck away and how to throw a punch. You’re asking me to stop training. Promising me that you’ve got me. If you let me down, I’ve stopped preparing. I’m no longer ready to fight. I can’t lift weights like I used to. I can’t throw a punch like I used to. I don’t even know how to avoid the punches from other people, the way I used to.

The hardest part is convincing myself that I’ll never have to defend myself against the people I’m supposed to trust to love me. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He wants honesty. He wants me to be vulnerable with him. To trust him. I need to know I’m always going to be safe with him. I need to believe that he won’t ever use the “road map” I’ve drawn him, to crush me. To destroy me.

I love Adam so much. It’s a very difficult and trying process, getting through the bullshit. It’s hard work, building something real and intimate. I think it’s worth it. I think our progress is amazing. It’s scary and emotional and it hurts real bad sometimes. It’s also brought on a whole new level of relationship that I didn’t even know was possible. I didn’t know I could let someone in the way I’ve been allowing Adam to be. I can’t describe the comfort and security that washes over me when Adam shows me that “he’s got me”. Even when I screw up, and he gets upset with me, and punishes me. When I can hear his love for me in the way he speaks, see his love for me in his eyes, and feel his love for me in the way he comforts me, even if he’s upset with me… This makes me sure I can trust him with the key to my heart.

I’ve began to open myself up to other people that I love. My brother asked me recently, “are you ok? You’ve been opening up a lot more lately.” My friends have been so willing to listen and support me. I’ve sort of been shocking everyone, because they know, it’s not like me to really talk. I think it’s good, though. I never intended to have only superficial relationships. I’ve just always been the one who listened. The one doing the consoling. Not the vulnerable one. It’s new, but it’s good.

Featured

Around the Corner?

The kids went back to school! They had a 2 hour late start. It was nice getting to sleep in a little longer, but I’m glad the weather has decided to cooperate. We can start getting back to “normal”, again. I ran some errands, this morning. The roads were all perfectly fine. It’s several degrees above freezing, so all the ice has melted away.

My son has a training thing, tonight. He volunteered to help serve at a local charity event. They’re putting on a “prom”, for special needs students. He will be learning how to best help the kids with special needs, while he’s there. Of course, this training is almost 8 miles away, at 6:00pm. So, right during rush hour. An 8 mile drive across the city, at rush hour, ends up taking about 45 minutes. I’m proud of him for volunteering, but I really don’t feel like fighting traffic, this evening.

I’m making chili, for supper. I figured I’d get it done, so I can leave it simmering in my crockpot, while I take my son across town. Jackie is coming home. I haven’t hung out with her in days! I am so happy for her, that she’s found a great guy. I keep encouraging her not to self sabotage this.

Today was Groundhog Day. I never did hear whether he saw his shadow, or not? I’m ready for Spring to arrive! I’m starting to think about all the flowers I’d like to plant. I’ve got some landscaping ideas. Once we get through February, I should be able to start working on those plans.

Last night, I was texting with a friend I grew up with. We were always together, in high school. She knows what’s happened, with my mother, but we don’t talk much about it. For whatever reason, we did, last night. I was blown away, when she said this to me…

I shared a couple of my older blog posts, with her. She wanted to know where to find my blog, but I explained, there’s a lot of shit I write, that she don’t need to read! I had no idea she hadn’t fallen for the perfect facade I so carefully played out, when we were kids. I just think that’s interesting. My mother could put on quite the show, for others. It never occurred to me, that maybe they weren’t buying her bullshit, either.

Featured

Never Gonna Change

“Made a little money, I ain’t never gonna change
Still drinking Jim Beam, still wear them dirty jeans. Get up every morning, ’cause them bills don’t go anyway. Got something to say, then bubba say it to my face….Times change people change but not me My hands on my heart ’cause these colors don’t bleed…This is the land I love. You can’t take this from me. From the city to the country, everybody raised southern…”

~Seth Anthony

I am a very proud Tennessean. I know that it’s not for everyone. Not everybody who visits will agree. I just think this is an amazing place to raise my babies. I appreciate our culture, our community, our uniqueness. I’ve visited lots of other states. The only place that I would say is somewhat comparable, is Texas. My grandparents lived in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I had friends, Chuck and Amber, back in Texas. My brother is a huge Dallas Cowboys fan, because of our time spent there. They also had a vacation home, in Tucson, Arizona. My strongest memory of Arizona, is when I decided to touch one of the cactus they told me not to, and I had a whole bunch of needles stuck inside my hand. I was mad, because we didn’t get to go for the walk we were supposed to. My grandma spent forever pulling those tiny cactus needles from my hand. I spent a lot of time with them, when I was a kid. I loved spending time with them. We also vacationed in Colorado. I loved roaming the mountains, playing in the creek, and the crisp, cool air. Still, I’m a Tennessee girl. Nashville will always be the city I call home. Adam and I don’t even “technically” live in Nashville, anymore. When we moved, we left Davidson county. We’re in another “county”, now. I do love it here, too. Adam’s wanted to live here for years. We have great neighbors and community. When I drive through Nashville, and see the same skyline I’m so tied to, I feel nostalgia, though. I wouldn’t want to leave my state.

I lived where my mother moved to, for awhile. She’s in the Midwest. It isn’t a bad place, but it doesn’t feel like home. I met Adam in the Midwest. He played football and went to college there. We actually lived there together, for awhile. I longed for Tennessee, though. He knew this. Every time we came to visit, I cried when we had to leave. He promised me we would move down here. He kept his promise. My babies are Tennessee babies, because Adam honored his word, and I’m so grateful. They love to go visit his Mom, in the Midwest, but they know the same love that I have for this place. It’s all they know. They have my accent. They have these roots. My family, “my people”, are all here. This is home.

Making plans for our guitar night, Saturday

My dad is going to make supper for all of us, on Saturday evening. I love him so much. Sometimes, when I think too much, I consider what life will be like, when I don’t have all of “my people” here. It scares the hell out of me. Adam has this friend from work. He was in a car accident, a couple nights ago. They did an MRI, and discovered he had terminal cancer. He had no idea. It’s spread into his brain. They don’t anticipate he will ever even leave the hospital now. I can’t imagine! Life is so unpredictable. It’s cruel! We can’t always wait for “someday”. There’s never any guarantee there’ll be a tomorrow. I never say “goodbye”. I tell my family and friends, see ya, when I leave, or hang up the phone. It’s always love you, see ya. Goodbye is just too permanent a word, for me. I won’t say it. I’ve rubbed off on Adam, to the point, he says it to people, too.

I didn’t have a plan, for where this writing was going. I just started it, and this is where I’ve ended up. It’s been a good day. It felt so cold. I needed to warm up. So, the kids and I baked cookies. Adam made it home safe from work. The kids have a 2 hour late start, tomorrow, but it appears they’ll be going to school.

Featured

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day, is one of my all time favorite movies! It’s starting to feel like that, here…

They canceled school for today, yesterday evening. My kiddos are home, again.

My son got his room looking much better! He arranged it so that it looks nice. Except, I can’t explain why he has the nightstand facing backwards? We got new license plates, awhile ago. He took our old ones, and Jackie’s, and hung them on his wall. Whatever…it’s his room?

Even his bathroom is an improvement

I get so annoyed with “Yankees” coming to the south, and then griping how we overreact about the weather. -45 in Michigan, or wherever the fuck you’re from might be bad, but we don’t have 10,000 salt trucks running up and down our roads, clearing them off for us. We might only be just below freezing, but when ice is covering everything, and the power goes out, that’s still cold! Someone I know moved here, recently. She didn’t listen to the forecast. She didn’t have enough diapers or food, for her baby, because in her words, “southerners are big babies”. She didn’t bother to get supplies, before this storm began. Then, she asks one of us “southerners” to use our 4 wheel drive truck to come and rescue her! We’re not “big babies”. We know what the hell to do, when the forecast tells us bad weather is coming. Anyway, rant over.

We all stayed up late, last night. We watched as the icy rain weighed down the willow tree, across the street. The power lines sank lower, and then even lower. We could hear the ice pelting down on our roof. I was so glad that no one I loved was out on the roads. We said a quiet prayer for anyone who was out there. There were lots of accidents. The traffic cameras were frozen over so bad, we could barely see what the roads even looked like. Jackie stayed over at Justin’s, again.

Adam went into work at 9:00am, this morning, just like yesterday. Like yesterday, I did my very best to talk him out of going, but he’s stubborn. He told me to stay home, but won’t heed his own words. Now I get to worry, until he’s back home safe, again.

Everything outside looks like this

Besides all that excitement, there isn’t too much else going on. We’re just spending another snow/ice day inside. We got lucky, and never lost power. I saw a lot of other people, around the area, had lost it, but ours hasn’t cut off once! They’re calling for, yet another round of snow/freezing rain, tonight…

Featured

Another Snow Day, Sort of

We got notified, last night, there would be no school, today. We ended up with freezing rain. It left a decent amount of ice covering everything. Adam decided he would go into the office around 9:00am, this morning. I wished he wouldn’t, but he didn’t listen to me. I’ve been checking in on him. He made it to work safely. He said the roads were ok, but were re-freezing now. So, that’s just great.

Since the kids are home, I got my son cleaning his bedroom. We made tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches together, for lunch. My daughter wanted to make some muffins, so we made those, this morning. Adam just text and asked me if we’re staying warm. I told him I’d just vacuumed the stairs and hallway upstairs, so I was actually kind of hot!

Jackie had gone over to Justin’s place, last night. He made her supper, and they hung out. She stayed over there, since the weather was starting to turn bad. It’s just me and my kiddos, today. My baby niece, Pj, is doing great. The doctor believes it was just a viral thing causing her rash. That was good news!

My watch says it’s only 28 degrees, outside. They’re calling for some snowflakes, later on this evening. Seems like a good kind of day to make some hot cocoa for everybody. I think I’ll go surprise the kids with some hot cocoa and marshmallows 😊

Featured

Need a Favor…

“I only talk to God when I need a favor. And I only pray when I ain’t got a prayer. So, tell me who the hell am I to expect a savior, if I only talk to God when I need a favor? But, God, I need a favor…”

~Jelly Roll

I really do try to be grateful for the good, and remember to thank God for it. I’m not always the best kind of Christian. I know I curse. I find plenty of ways to sin. I do have a deep love for Christ, though. There’s been plenty of times where He’s shown His love for me.

I was pregnant, with a baby boy, after my first born, but before I had my daughter. For awhile, I thought one child was enough. I had this little buddy, who was always with me. Then, I found out I was, unexpectedly, pregnant again. I started planning and buying things. We started work on a nursery, for him. When I was 12 weeks along, I went in for an appointment, and they couldn’t find his heartbeat. I went in for a sonogram. They told me he had died. I was sent home. Told I’d miscarry him in the following days. Only, I didn’t. I still felt pregnant. A week later, I felt my baby move. I felt my babies pretty early, in pregnancy. I had no bleeding or cramping at all. I went back to the doctor. They did blood work and another sonogram. Miraculously, he was still there. Strong heartbeat. That’s when I found out he was a boy. At fifteen weeks pregnant, I was on the phone with a friend of mine, from church. They’d been praying so hard for us. I was explaining that God had performed this miracle, and our baby was good. Suddenly, I felt this “pop”, inside, and started to gush blood down my legs. For some reason, I kept quiet, and just politely ended the phone call. I ran into the bathroom. I didn’t know what to do? It was a Saturday. We rushed to the hospital, only to be told, once again, that he had died. I couldn’t accept it. Even with all the bleeding. It couldn’t be! Why would God do this to me???

They assured me, my baby was gone. I insisted we wait and see. They gave me a few days, and did more blood work and sonograms. He was definitely gone, this time. It still makes me cry, after these years, remembering that ache I felt in my heart and soul. I had genuine anger at God. We had celebrated and thanked God for answering all the prayers! How could He?!

I had to go into surgery, because he was too big for my body to miscarry on its own. It was so incredibly hard to allow doctors to remove the life that once moved and grew inside of me. After testing, we discovered his placenta had not attached well, and it had slowly pulled away, taking the very thing that was sustaining life, from him. Although there was nothing I could’ve done, and I do know that, I still have so much guilt about it.

Days later, I was sitting on my couch. I was a mess of tears and anger. I grabbed my Bible, and opened it to a random page. The verse I came upon, was Ecclesiastes 3


There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I was overcome with this realization, that God had answered a prayer of mine. When they’d first told me my baby had died, I hadn’t gotten any sonogram images of my baby. I kept praying and crying that I hadn’t even gotten to see my baby. I had nothing to remember him by. I believe God gave me the opportunity to hear his heart beating, and to get the sonogram pictures that I still hold so dear. That was a gift. A blessing. I felt God’s love and comfort just envelope me, as I came to understand this. The sadness remained, but the anger was gone.

That night, I had the most amazing dream. We were sitting at a picnic table. My husband, our living child, and myself. This blonde haired little boy ran to me and called me “mama”. I knew he was my son. I called him “Blake”. This is what we decided to name that baby, after that dream. His name was Blake. I hadn’t ever even considered that, as a baby name, but this was so assuredly known, in my dream.

God is very real, for me. As real as the ground we stand on. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve never been angry with Him again. I no longer question Him. Sometimes, I ask Him to show me why. I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. He always shows me, though. Sometimes it’s immediate. Sometimes, it takes awhile. I always understand why, eventually.

We need to celebrate our lives. Be grateful that you woke up, this morning. Be glad you have a job to do. Be thankful your belly is full, you have people who love you, you have a bed to climb into, when you need rest. It’s those things we so often take for granted. He performs miracles, everyday. We just have to open our eyes to see them.

Featured

Comfort Food for Cold Weather

Tonight, we’re having fried chicken, mashed potatoes, with country gravy, and green bean casserole.

Tomorrow, I’m planning to make some rotel dip and chips. You just take a couple cans of rotel, some cheese (I use velveeta), and brown ground beef or turkey seasoned with taco seasoning. Melt all those together. Serve with tortilla chips. We like to add sour cream on top, too. I’m already figuring everyone will be home, tomorrow, because of the winter weather. Wednesday is chili soup night. Thursday is my daughter’s favorite. Hawaiian hot ham and cheese sandwiches. For those, you need Hawaiian rolls (or buns), sliced ham (not honey ham, though), sliced Swiss cheese, worstershire sauce, melted butter, garlic and onion powder. I’m not much of a measurer, I’d guess I use about a 1 tsp of both the garlic and onion powder, and 1 Tbs of the worstershire sauce. Mix those into a stick of melted butter. Then brush onto the tops of your ham and cheese sandwiches. Bake at 350 for about 10-15 minutes. That’s Mj’s request for her birthday supper, every year. I always ask my family what they’d like for supper, on their birthday, and make it for them. 😊

Featured

Generation “Alpha”

I’m told that “gen alpha”, is known as the “iPad babies” and for loving to play with “slime”. I can confirm. We have a big basket of slime and slime accessories, on top of our fridge. My kids have all the electronic devices. They do go out to play. They still jump on the trampoline, mess around on their swing set, play with the dog. They’re loving the ping pong table, downstairs. I just wonder how they’ll remember their childhood? I played outside, every single day. We rode bikes all over. We built forts, went fishing, hiking. We played kickball. We shot a lot of nerf guns. My son used to have an insane collection of Nerf guns and accessories. He’s only recently started to outgrow those. He now has more powerful ones. They’re locked away, and he can’t use them without adult supervision. His BB gun looks like an AR rifle, so he thinks he’s pretty cool with that thing. My babies are growing up fast.

They were supposed to have their bedrooms cleaned, yesterday. My son assured me he would get it done. I went upstairs, after Pj left, and he was passed out asleep. His room did not get cleaned…

This is all the further I’d walk in, this morning. Ugh. Boys…

My daughter’s room, on the other hand…

They’re calling for some winter weather, tonight into tomorrow morning. Freezing rain/snow mix. I went to the store and got the “milk and bread”. We’re ready for whatever, now!

Last night, Adam was teasing me, as we got ready for bed. He was smacking my butt (playfully), saying he needed to keep me on track, since my behind is all better now. I told him that I was considering telling him he could fuck right off, but I wasn’t going to do it. I repeated, I was thinking you could fuck off, but didn’t say it. I was pushing it! It was silly, but he knew I was wording it that way, intentionally. I did earn a couple of “not so playful” smacks, but we mostly just mess around with each other. He’s really been on me about rolling my eyes or cursing at him, though.

We had a blast hanging out with baby Pj, last night! She slept in my arms, in the big comfy living room chair. I couldn’t keep my own eyes open, snuggling a warm sleepy baby! The poor thing had to get some immunizations, on Friday. She seemed to be doing well, but my sister FaceTimed me, this morning. Pj was developing a rash that had spread all over her body. They’re taking her into the doctor. We’re hoping it isn’t a delayed reaction to her shots.

Now that I’ve got all my errands run, I’m hunkering down, inside, just waiting for the cold storm to blow in. I thought about reorganizing my pantries, in the kitchen. I’ve got my house clean, laundry all done, groceries put away. There isn’t much that needs doing, today. I just heard the furnace cut on. The cold air is definitely arriving.

Featured

Nothing Much

My sister and her husband went out, for the first time since Pj came along. They’d asked us to babysit. Of course I said absolutely! They get a nice evening, as a couple. We get to hang out with baby Pj.

Yesterday, we played cornhole, and Adam grilled us some burgers. Today has been a lazy Sunday, at home. We haven’t had much excitement, besides spending our evening with Pj. I hear her getting a little fussy, in the other room. I’m going to go see if I can help 😊