This last year has been the longest, hardest year of my life. My son spent 3 weeks in the hospital last Fall, my mom got sick, we lost her this Spring, my dad moved in with us, my husband’s job has been impacted by corona horribly, a good friend of ours took his life last week absolutely unexpectedly, and I’m about to turn another year older this week. After 30, birthdays haven’t been something I look forward to. Now despite all of that, I catch myself feeling good more and more often lately. The sun is out, it’s 68 degrees, it’s the holiday season and everyone around me is just extra kind. I’m fixing to make some Christmas candy with my kids and jam to some good music. It’s hard to put into words, but I almost feel guilty for days like these when I’m contented and happy. Losing loved ones is so painful.
Adam and I have struggled while I’ve been trying to crawl out of the hole I found myself stuck in emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I retreat into myself and refuse to let people in when life is too much. I’m very blessed to have a husband who is patient, kind, loving, and knows when I need to be left alone, when I need a hug, and when I need a spankin’. It’s hard when we aren’t as close or understanding of each other, but it’s also beautiful how much closer we grow when we finally reach the other side of troubled times. He stands with me through all of the ups and downs.
I have some stories to tell and ideas for new blog posts, so I’m going to post more often so long as I’m able to stay upright for awhile before life throws anymore BS at me! I miss this because I love to write, but depression takes the joy out of everything. I’m praying for more days like this one. Happy Holidays!
My brother and I often heard that as children, “you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’”. Adam’s warning is “I’ll beat your bottom blue”. My parents never bruised us, and Adam’s never beat me blue, but the threat is still effective. I have been especially good and have been going through a lot of personal and family tragedy, so I haven’t felt Adam’s hand connect with my butt, let alone a belt/hairbrush/etc, besides some playful swats that are a regular occurrence at my house. I’ve had this quiet desire to do something that crosses the line so that I can “encourage” him to pull me across his lap and spank me til I’m sobbing and begging him to stop. It’s nearly impossible to explain why I would feel this way to anyone who doesn’t already understand. It makes me feel safe, protected, reminds me that my husband is in control. When life is throwing shit at me and there’s nothing I can do about it, I want to let go of the weight I feel I’m carrying on my own shoulders. I don’t just want to let go, I want to have to let go.
I’ve been especially horny lately, too. My friends doubt me, but Adam and I have sex every single night with only rare exceptions. Yet, I wake up wanting to get him inside me again and again. I think, for me, this comes from my enjoying having every ounce of Adam’s attention. Life is busy! He gets work calls and texts constantly. We spend way too much time staring at TV, iPad, iPhone screens. We have kids who wind up starting accidental fires, breaking bones, shooting BB guns and hitting the neighbor’s car if we aren’t paying attention. (They’re truly not bad kids, but these things have happened.) I love having his full attention.
Last night, I walked downstairs and Adam had his belt in his hand. Just the sight of it makes me cover my butt with my hands. Maybe, I won’t be so quick to tempt him into using that thing on me. Maybe.
I’m laying by the pool, watching my kids splash in the water. I’ve got a nice tan started and a couple new bikini swimsuits to wear. Every afternoon that it’s not raining, I go out to the pool and swim with the kids for awhile and then lay out on a floatie in the water or a lounge chair by the pool and work on my tan. I am so incredibly blessed…spoiled even.
I have been hurting this last year and life hasn’t been this carefree every moment. Any second now, something will come along to slap me out of my happy bubble. I’m not exaggerating how difficult it’s been. I might be focusing too much on that, though. As I sit here by the pool, I’m reminded just how good I still have it. I text Adam a picture of the kids splashing and asked him how his day is going. He wrote back “HOT. It’s hot as hell!” Adam will tease me about lounging by the pool all day, but he knows I also keep up with all the things I need to get done at home and with the kids. He’s not really angry that I get to swim on a hot afternoon. I actually think he’s proud that his wife and kids can have a fun summer swimming and playing outside. He’s proud that he is able to provide for our family and allow me to be here with our kids everyday. He’s a great husband and daddy. I sure do have it made. Despite the issues I can’t escape, I still have a pretty fantastic life.
Submission is a gift. I wouldn’t say I was naturally “submissive” before I met Adam. Adam had a confidence that sort of commanded that those close to him follow his lead. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made in the beginning to submit to my husband. The words submit and obey still leave a bad taste in my mouth when I say them out loud. I think society teaches girls that submitting to and obeying a man is to betray womankind altogether. Women fought so hard for equal rights, for the same opportunities as men. I’m absolutely for those things. I chose this man I’m married to. I chose to allow him to lead when I followed him from the start. Some women are born leaders. Some men are submissive. We’re all in charge of our own destiny. I wouldn’t suggest that everyone reading this should think the way I do. I’m only speaking for myself and my relationship. Having said all of that, if you find you’re frustrated with your significant other because they aren’t getting things done, aren’t standing up for you, aren’t throwing you down on the bed and conquering you like you’re the only thing they’ve ever wanted, I have some ideas that might help.
Number 1. Decide you’re going to let go of your need to be in control. If you’re afraid to let him call the plumber about the leaky faucet because he won’t pick the right guy for the job, he won’t be able to explain the problem as well as you, he will just get overcharged…etc. Give him the opportunity to do it his way. Adam never loads the dishwasher my way, but if he loads the dishwasher, and the dishes get done, who cares! Don’t wait expectantly for him to fail either. If he doesn’t get it right, give him the chance to fix his own mistake. If he loves you, if he wants the best for his family, he is not going to make bad decisions just to piss you off.
Number 2. Remind both of you who’s calling the shots. I need Adam to put his big strong arms around me. I need him to hold me down and show me he can get what he wants. I want him to pin my hands above my head and ravish every inch of me. I need him to put me over his knee and leave some handprints on my ass. I find myself tiptoeing over the line sometimes just to find out whether Adam will stop me. Will he notice? Will he punish me? I don’t really want to get away with it. I want him to keep me safe and to notice me when I’m crossing the line. I want him to do something about it when I go too far. By him doing that, I’m reminded that Adam is calling the shots. He’s looking out for me and he isn’t going to let anything bad happen to me.
Number 3. Show him how much you appreciate him. It is fuel for their engine when you acknowledge what they do and say thank you in even the smallest of ways. You can write a note telling him how sexy he looked while he was cutting the grass last night. You can say thank you for working for (x amount of) hours so that I could get this new (thing). Cook his favorite supper for him. Those little acts of encouragement can make all the difference to Adam. He wants to be noticed just like I do.
These are just a few things that work well for Adam and I when we have been “stuck” for awhile. It’s important to me that Adam leads well. It’s at least as important to Adam that he leads well. He wants to make me happy. He wants to do right by his family. It does me good to remember that when I’m feeling frustrated with him.
I’m a confident, sassy, highly intelligent woman. I’ve been blessed with good looks and great hair. I’m witty as hell, decently athletic, and hard working. I could “wear the pants” in my home, and there are times when I have put those suckers on and taken over for awhile. The Bible says that part of Eve’s curse is the desire to rule over Adam and that is passed down to all women for all time. It’s a strange dichotomy I’ve got going on here. Part of me wanting to be in charge because it requires a whole lot of trust to let my husband lead. Part of me wanting to be in charge because I know I’m smart and capable too. Then, a larger part of me deeply desires to have, feel, and see my husband lead. It is hot to see him stand up for what he believes, even when that means standing up to me. It is comforting knowing that he’s here to correct me when I’m going in the wrong direction. I have a love/hate relationship with boundaries set before me. “The curse” has me wanting to break every rule, to cross every forbidden bridge. My heart appreciates those rules and understands why they’re there for me. I appreciate the dedication Adam has for keeping me safe and happy. I know that he’s always looking out for me. This isn’t a game we play when we’re both in the mood. Sometimes, I don’t feel like obeying. Sometimes, Adam probably doesn’t feel like leading. On occasion, we shirk those responsibilities we’ve promised each other. I refuse to go where Adam wants me to, or Adam refuses to decide which way to go. Those things happen. We’re flawed humans, after all.
Having said all of that, there is a way to get back on track, and it works like a charm! Ready for it??
Look for my next blog post and I’ll share our secret 😉
For reasons I’d rather not get into, my dad has moved in with us for awhile. I’m sort of in this weird place of trying to “parent” my parent, while also parenting my children. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Adam. He is the only person in my life who I don’t have to be strong around. I have a younger brother and sister. Being the oldest, I’ve always assumed the role of the leader, the strong one. I’m not much of a crier. I hide my fears, my pain, my sorrow from the world. Adam takes on all of those emotions that I can’t share with anyone besides him. This whole last year has been the roughest year of my life, so far. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly. I guess I’ve been pretty privileged to not have grown up in chaos or experienced loss like I have recently. I look around me, and every person I know is going through something right now. This is such a difficult time for everyone. Knowing and feeling sad that others are hurting still doesn’t stop my own pain. It’s real. It’s here with me all the time.
I really really need Adam to spank me, to fuck me, to tell me exactly what he wants me to do to him, and exactly what he plans to do to me. I need to feel sexy again. I need to escape from all of this responsibility for just a few toe curling, orgasmic minutes. I already feel mostly helpless against the things happening to and around me. It’s different being helpless with Adam, though. I know I’m safe with him. I know he’s got me. I know he isn’t ever going to let me down. He is my safe space in this life. I never thought I’d let myself need a man. Want, yes. Love, yes. Need, noooo. Adam had a very near death experience a few weeks ago while he was working on his truck. In that split second, I saw my future without him, and it terrified me. When did I get so needy? Am I irresponsible for allowing myself to get this deep in? I can’t swim to shore anymore. I’m too far out. My lifeboat is my husband. For better or worse, that’s the way it is.
It’s such a cruel irony how often the very thing I need is what I’ve been pushing away in a naive attempt to protect myself from any additional distress. On some level, I think Adam and I knew what we both needed, both deeply craved but outwardly denied ourselves and each other. There was never any malicious intent. In fact, we were each doing what most anyone would logically conclude was the “right thing”. We had been through hell. We’d stuck by one another, never wavering in our commitment to our marriage and family, but our relationship wasn’t the problem, so it wasn’t getting any attention. We were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was hurting, Adam couldn’t fix it, and he felt guilty, inadequate even. I knew Adam was struggling so I tried not to lean on him or put any additional pressure on him. We were both trying to protect each other but began to slowly wither away as more and more time passed without giving each other the things we couldn’t give ourselves. We would fall into bed and think only of sleep. Adam still kissed my forehead before he went to work each morning. We never hung up the phone before saying I love you. We went through all the motions, continuing in our repetitive and boring daily lives until finally, one night, Adam took me. We climbed into bed like all the nights before, only this time he immediately rolled over on top of me. He leaned down and kissed me long and hard. He undressed me and then slowly, deliberately parted my legs with his. [SIDE NOTE: that is one of the sexiest things my man can do to me! There’s something about the way he uses his legs to spread mine without my even really noticing until he’s already done it…purrr]
That night Adam had his way with me. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he made love to me. It was so much more than sex. He showed me he wanted me, reminded me that I’m his, took back his place as leader and a man, my man. He held me down, pulled my hair, and took his time making sure to give every inch of my body his full attention.
The thing is, I didn’t realize the significance of that night right away. I struggled so much to push away all of the negativity bouncing around in my mind. I didn’t even have an orgasm. Over the next couple of days, though, I kept finding myself daydreaming about Adam. I was noticing him and his body. I wanted to feel his touch again. I felt so much “lighter” as I began to trust and allow Adam to help me take on the chaos and stress. The Bible says not to deny each other our bodies (sex) in marriage. I truly believe there’s a good reason that was put in there and I think I understand it better now. Each night since, we’ve had sex. Everyday, I’m feeling better and we’re growing closer again. Sex in the midst of life’s tragedies can seem inappropriate. We were fooled into believing that during a time when we needed each other most. Adam would’ve let me get away with murder a week ago. Looking back, I was acting out in small ways to test him. I was hoping to push the right button just hard enough that he’d discipline me. I needed him to reaffirm his role and mine. HE was needing to reaffirm his role and mine. Isn’t that ironic?
I have a few positive thoughts I wanted to write about. First off, I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over 3 whole months! Even when life went to hell in a hand basket almost immediately after I quit, I didn’t touch a single cigarette. I’m patting myself on the back seeing this is actually a pretty big accomplishment as I ponder it all.
My next positive thought was in realizing Adam and I are getting our groove back. For the first time in months, I’m able to go to bed and do things besides lay there with a head and heart full of my nightmare inducing reality. Finally, I’m wanting and enjoying sex again!
I’m also enjoying music again for the first time in way too long. Music has helped me to climb up out of every tough spot in my life. The last several days, I will get in my car, crank up my iTunes playlist, and drive around the city for as long as I need to jam out. I’m currently sitting in the school parking lot waiting for my daughter and playing Jason Aldean’s newest album. “Ride All Night” is one of those sexy songs that makes me text naughty things to Adam. My dad is in the music industry, and I grew up with music being a big part of my life. I suppose that could be why it has so much meaning and power for me. My daughter plays guitar, writes songs, and she sings in honor choir, so I believe that “gene” has passed onto the next generation as well! Whatever the reason for my love of all things musical, it is helping me to get back to myself, and it’s amazing.
I’ll end this post here, and maybe have sent some of my positive vibes out into blogland as well. Hope everyone has a blessed and beautiful day!
“Oh mirror in the sky, what is love. Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? ….time makes ya bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too…”
Listened to this song the other day and it brought forth so many suppressed emotions from within me. This “season” of my life is a tough one. I nearly lost a child a couple of months ago. My child will never be the same person he was before he made the mistake that we all live with forever now. Kids don’t understand consequences. That their choices can literally cost them everything. We were just getting to a place where we were building our new normal as a family, and then my mom got sick. Her health went downhill so fast. She spent 4 weeks in the hospital. She was just released on Tuesday afternoon, but her life looks very different now. Which means, once again, my life was turned inside out as well. I’ve been put in this very difficult position of having to sort of “parent” my own parents. My dad has struggled terribly with all of this. I’ve tried to be strong for him and for my mom.
My relationship with Adam is solid. We are committed to one another. The tragedy we’ve dealt with, we’ve done it together. Poor Adam so badly wants to take my pain, but life doesn’t work like that. I’m married to an amazing man. I’m stubborn and I’ve retreated within myself over the last several weeks. I hadn’t even been able to write here about everything. I couldn’t acknowledge everything because I knew that I would completely fall apart if I spent any time allowing myself to feel. I’m starting to slowly give my own pent up feelings a voice. I didn’t intend this blog of mine to have “heavy” things like this written in it. It was supposed to be a lighthearted and fun blog where I could write about the kinkier, sillier side of my relationship. There hasn’t been a whole lot of that stuff in our marriage lately, though. I want to get back there so badly. I was wondering to myself if this is just life now. Is painful, life altering, shit going to keep coming at me regularly? I’m 35 years old. I think I’m honestly much more afraid of getting old than I am of dying. The older I get, the more people I find myself saying goodbye to. I miss the life I had five minutes before I got that phone call from my son’s school back in August. I haven’t felt “light” in such a long time.
I know this isn’t an upbeat, fun thing I’ve written here tonight. I suppose that’s part of the reason I haven’t been writing, too. I’m not a negative person. I’m not one of those people who seem almost giddy to have an excuse to be a grouch.
I don’t have a good way to end this post, so I’ll just leave it here and hopefully the coming days will bring me something good to write about 🙂
Friday afternoon, I got a phone call that changed my life forever. I’m not ready to write about the details, but it has to do with my son. He was immediately taken to the closest hospital and then transferred to a children’s hospital. I’d been having a great day. I got out my fall scented candles and started to change out my summertime decorations with fall ones. My house smelled like cinnamon apples and pumpkin spice. I was sitting in the kitchen talking with a friend when my phone rang. It was his school. I don’t even remember the drive to him. Seeing my little boy like he was, I just can’t write about it yet. He’s alive, he will recover, but our life is going to look different for a very long time while we help him to heal. He’s still in the hospital, but he’s in good spirits. I managed to keep it together all but once in front of him. The frustration, anger, and fear got to me as one of the doctors explained something I didn’t understand and I couldn’t stop the explosion of tears and the angry words that flew from my mouth. My sweet boy tried to comfort ME. He told me “it’s okay mama, I’ll be okay.” I love him so much my chest is literally aching as I’m writing this.
I’m sorry for the cliffhanger, I’ll try to give more information as I’m able to, but I can’t make words out of the emotions I’m feeling right now. One miracle I can share today, my cousin is going to be going into rehab on September 4th and has pulled through after we didn’t think he would make it several times over the last couple of weeks! I believe in the power of prayer y’all.