Strength & Submission

Everyone knows me as a sweet, soft, gentle girl. I rarely lose my temper, and I don’t involve myself in other people’s drama. Like everyone, though, I have a line. I had an issue with a neighbor of ours who can over indulge in his Bud Lights and run his mouth too much. I don’t take kindly to being disrespected or talked down to. I think some people see the respect and honor I give to Adam and somehow assume that I will automatically give them the same. Just because I follow my husband’s leadership, does not mean that I will give any other man the same authority over me. I am smart as hell. I have a 144 IQ. I’m 100 pounds, but I’m not afraid of anyone. I’m very accurate with my handgun. I don’t tolerate other people’s crap, and I absolutely will stand up for myself and my family. My neighbor didn’t do anything so terrible, but he just would not quit talking down to me and trying to correct me in everything I said or did. Dude, I know how to train my dogs. I understand how pool chemicals work and how to measure them. Non stop things like that. I got to the point where I had to let him know that I wasn’t going to tolerate anymore of his attitude toward me. I think I shocked him and everyone else who was there, but I was effective, and he got the message. All of this got me to thinking. I cannot stand men who have the idea that they are somehow more intelligent and better capable just by virtue of having a penis between their legs. My husband never demanded power over me. I gave it to him. I never gave any of the other men in my life that kind of authority. It is annoying to me that some men actually assume they should be treated like kings because they’re a man. Nah. That ain’t how this works.

Anyway, rant over.

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What’s in it for Me?

I have probably discussed this in some form already here, but I’ve been thinking about the things that Adam has brought into our marriage and how I now feel I couldn’t possibly live happily without them.

Just what do I get out of my relationship with my take charge, alpha husband? So, so much. The trust we’ve built didn’t happen overnight, but it has developed so beautifully into this deep and solid security knowing that Adam is never going to leave me stranded, alone, or afraid. I can be confident that, no matter what mess I find myself in, I won’t be stuck there by myself. There is also such a relief that comes from the well deserved spankings that I can count on. The guilt, the sadness, the remorse, the frustrations, it sort of readjusts my attitude in a way that makes me feel certain that Adam will be helping to right my wrongs. I feel confident that everything will be ok. I can let go of anger and hurt I’ve put out there. There is a tremendous relief that comes from all of these assurances. Life can get hard. Sometimes, it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. For me, though, I never have to carry a burden by myself. In fact, most often, Adam completely removes from my shoulders all of the weight I carried. Im not a naturally “submissive” person. It took time for me to have this confidence I do now. I used to refuse to give over any of my problems or worries for fear that they wouldn’t be handled right, or would be made worse somehow. It takes a hefty heap of trust to take the passenger seat and allow your partner to figure out where you’re going, and how you’re going to get there. None of this means that I’m never in the “driver’s seat” for myself. Of course I’m capable, willing, and happy to tackle many things on my own. It’s the big stuff I’m talking about. The stuff that keeps you up at night worrying. The stuff that makes your stomach tie in knots. There is such a beautiful thing that happened for me when I finally allowed myself to give Adam these worries. The better I got at sharing my problems, the better he got at helping to solve them. I truly believe it takes real strength to follow your partner, especially in the beginning. The uncertainty about whether and how he’ll go about leading. Questioning every move he makes for awhile. It’s amazing what happens when you finally just step back and have a little faith in him ❤️

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Self Discipline

Apparently, my recent trips across Adam’s lap have revived my ability to self censor my words and choices beautifully. Twice over the last week, I’ve felt that burning desire to say something disrespectful because I was frustrated and didn’t agree with his opinion on the matter. Twice, I have crept up toward crossing the line, and twice, I stopped myself before I got there.

Last night, I passionately disagreed with something. I’m vehemently against sharing personal information with anyone without a darned good reason. By “personal information”, I mean things as simple as giving PetCo my phone number. But, I also am talking about allowing any company to access my medical or financial records, etc. Our health insurance company suddenly required a crazy ridiculous amount of crap to verify our eligibility for Blue Cross. We’ve never had to provide such documents before now, and we’ve always had health coverage. They wanted our birth certificates, our children’s birth certificates, our marriage license…which I was already reluctant about until I heard good reasons for these things. Those documents prove that we are married and our children are ours. I guess I get that, but it’s strange all of the sudden to require things we’ve never been asked for before. It isn’t just us, either. Adam’s entire company asked this of every employee. After providing all of that, they then wanted a copy of our TAX RETURN. Why, pray tell? Well, according to the first representative I spoke to, it is required to show that Adam is not insuring his sister or a relative masquerading as his wife. Ok, but…. they have our marriage license. And they have our birth certificates. Our parents are not the same people. They have our kid’s birth certificates, proving their father and mother are, indeed, Adam and I. I argued these points and they then said it was to verify Adam and I live at the same address. I said, mail me a letter and I’ll mail it back to ya then! Besides all that, we’re clearly married, what difference does it truly make whether we live at the same address as each other? Which, of course, we do. It’s the principle of it all that grinds my gears so badly. They were willing to accept a joint bank statement with our names, address, and the date printed on it. I took the time to edit our statement to block access to our account number, our credits and debits, and our balance because it’s frankly, none of their damn business. Adam was perfectly willing all along to fax our health insurance providers all of the information they asked for, but I clearly wasn’t. This is where I get to report on how well I handled my disagreement, despite having such a guttural reaction to being violated so personally, for reasons that make no sense to me. I did not raise my voice. I did not curse as I explained my position on the matter. I calmly, but very seriously, laid out my reasoning and opinions. This was when Adam finally picked up the phone and called them. This is how we finally resolved the issue by turning over a bank statement with personal information blocked out, rather than our freakin’ income tax return.

I’m sure this will seem petty to some folks. I know I’m a little overboard at protecting my privacy. I won’t allow anything to be handed over without definite and clear reasons to do so. That’s just who I am. I guess I have some trust issues with the world, but can you blame me? Look at how many people are devastated because of leaked personal information! Surely, I’m not completely alone in feeling the way I do. Either way, this was our most recent disagreement, and I think I handled myself well. After we’d finished dealing with Blue Cross, Adam pulled me into his arms. For a brief moment, I was afraid he was about to give my behind some attention. Instead, he hugged me and told me he was proud of me and thanked me for not losing my cool. He might not agree with the extent at which I protect myself from prying eyes, but he understood that this was something I feel strongly about and is important to keeping me feeling safe. We worked it out. Although, I’m still super annoyed about the supposed reasoning for the request from Blue Cross, I’m fully content with my husband and we managed to stay on the same team through it all. ❤️

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Danger ⚠️

When we talk about the 4 Ds (disobedience, disrespect, disobedience, and danger), I almost never do anything in the “dangerous” category. I’m pretty responsible and love my family way too much to do anything that puts them at risk in some way. I need to be a good example to my children, too. I wear my seatbelt always. I never text and drive. I don’t always go exactly the speed limit, but never had a speeding ticket and always go along with the flow of traffic at about 5-10 miles over the limit. Danger is just not normally something that gets me into trouble. Except yesterday. Curiosity got me, I did something stupid, and I knew better.

There’s one guy in our neighborhood who hangs with some shady characters. One of which, has been in a lot of trouble lately for things like stalking, domestic abuse, harassment, threats, and then last weekend, he ended up having the police and an ambulance take him out of the yard due to suicidal/homocidal threats. We were out back at our house and witnessed all of this, and spoke to our neighbor after the they had left so we learned all the details. Well, after he returned, both our neighbor and Mr dangerous walked across the back yards into ours and Adam kicked Mr dangerous off our property. Told him he needs help. Go get help. But stay away from his family.

This brings us to yesterday’s incident. The day before yesterday, we were informed that Mr danger had been to court and then put in jail. When I saw him over at neighbor’s just the very next day, I was curious. I walked over and made some small talk because I wanted to hear Mr dangerous side of things. Everything I’d heard was second and third person. How did he get out of jail? Why was he actually even sent to jail? It was stupid. I don’t know why I cared. I was out in my back yard with our puppy and saw Mr danger and our neighbor and, at the time, it seemed like a good idea to go chat them up. By now, y’all can probably see where this is going…

I was only gone for about 45 minutes, and Adam doesn’t usually get home from work until later. Yesterday, of course, he happened to be home early. I walked in the back door and bumped right into him. He asked me where I was. I told him, over at the neighbor’s house. He asked who was there. I knew he knew the answer to that question, and it was only then that I stopped to realize I had gone so far over the line. Adam made it clear he doesn’t want this guy around his family. I didn’t respect that. I disobeyed. I disrespected. And I was crossing the line right into dangerous. I typically get defensive when these things happen, even when I know I’m not going to win. I tried to downplay the situation. It didn’t work. Then, I tried admitting it was wrong and apologizing. It didn’t prevent me from being punished, though. I can go for months without getting spanked for punishment. I have somehow managed to find myself bent over my husband’s knees, crying and begging, twice in just the last week or so. This was also the first time he’s ever used his belt on me during a serious spanking. That sucker HURTS like HELL! I screwed up. It wasn’t undeserved. But, my gosh I’m fixing to be on my very best behavior for at least awhile because I don’t want that belt ever again.

Growing Pains

My children are 13 and 10 years old now. My parenting has slowly evolved into a much less gentle and nurturing attitude. I more or less set boundaries and as long as my kids are within them, they don’t need me nearly as much as they used to. I’m here to guide and correct them when I need to, but they don’t need me to help them make every single decision daily. They can dress themselves, fold and put away their own laundry, help with dishes and other housework, do their own homework with little to no help from me. I hadn’t realized it until recently, but I had lost touch with a softer, gentler side of myself for awhile. We got a puppy about a month ago and it’s almost like having another newborn/toddler/defiant teenager in our home. I’m up at night with him, I’m having to keep my eye on him every waking moment so he doesn’t cause too much trouble. We’re potty training. But, I snuggle him. I bathe him. I train and praise and correct him. This morning, at about 4:30am, Adam had gotten up for work and Oliver (our puppy) decided it was time to wake up too. I tried to get him back to sleep, but it wasn’t to be. Adam smiled down at Oliver and me in bed and leaned over and kissed my forehead. He told me he knows I’m exhausted, but I’m never more beautiful to him than when I’m loving and caring for a small being, whether it’s a child or an animal. I thought about what I must look like through my husband and my children’s eyes. I so badly want them to always think of me as a patient and kind wife, mother, woman. I had let myself get lazy with those things because my husband and kids rarely require the levels of patience and softness that small children or puppies demand. I am definitely appreciating how self sufficient and well behaved my children have become, and I look forward to when Oliver will sleep through the night and not need me to watch over him 24/7. This has been an eye opening experience, though. I’m going to try to hold onto the good things in me that Oliver has brought back out. I’m going to work on keeping my ability to remain calm and patient with frustrating loved ones when there are moments that require it. It’s like exercise. I had let my patient, gentle, soft “muscles” atrophy so that when they were called upon to be used, I didn’t have the strength that Oliver has given me back.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re feeling cold and impatient and in need of some help to open your heart, go spend some time with a puppy or a small child!

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Love Hurts

Adam and I had a big argument a couple of weeks ago. It all started when a neighbor asked Adam if he would be interested in buying his zero turn lawn mower and named the price. Adam said yes, he was interested and I immediately started to fume!! We don’t have a yard so big here that we need a darned mower like that, AND there’s been some uncertainty around Adam’s company and its future, post corona. I felt it was extremely irresponsible to go spending thousands of dollars on a completely UNnecessary piece of yard equipment. I got a little dramatic because I said, to Adam and our neighbor “seriously? We don’t even know for sure you’re going to have a job next week, but you’re interested in a lawn mower??” I could instantly see on Adam’s face this mixture of hurt and anger. Rather than drop it, however, I continued to make my opinions clear in ways that (admittedly) belittled my husband. There are these rage fueled moments where I do and say things so out of character for me. It’s almost as if I have temporarily lost control of my own mouth.

After our neighbor left, supper was ready. We ate with the kids and my dad and then went our separate ways. Adam went out back to sit and I went downstairs to wallow in my still simmering frustrations. That’s when I decided it was a good idea to text my husband and let him really know how I felt. (As if that hadn’t been done enough at this point.) I wasn’t exactly respectful or considerate in my texts either. Adam responded with a short text back that read “I will do whatever the fuck I want to. I have never let you or the kids down. Enough.” Well, it wasn’t quite enough for me yet. More heated messages were sent from my phone to him, but no more were received on mine. We ended up going to bed ignoring each other that night. I hate that, but I’m also incredibly stubborn and, when I’m in a mood, I just can’t give up that easily.

About 24 hours later, Adam called me to our bedroom and I repeated my own frustrations while he listened patiently. When I was finished, he told me how embarrassed he was when I said that about his work because he’s always made good money and works very hard. I emasculated him. Having him describe how it hurt to hear me say those things snapped me out of the trance I’d been in. I realized how cruel and insensitive I had been with my words. I knew I had a spanking coming, but I also felt I had earned it.

The catharsis that comes after my husband pulls me over his knee and spanks me to tears is the very reason I’m totally on board with this DD thing. I also had a realization that I shared with Adam later. Every single time I’ve acted that way towards him, there was fear and insecurity brewing in me. It’s like there’s a little man on my shoulder telling me “he doesn’t got you”, “Remember when he screwed up that time?”, “YOU need to take charge because he isn’t going to lead well in this situation.” I begin to doubt Adam and his ability to provide and protect our family. I start refusing to submit in an effort to prove to myself just how right that little man on my shoulder is about Adam’s inabilities and failures. For that moment, I lose the trust and faith that make up the very foundation of our marriage. I need Adam to remind me he’s got this. I need him to take a good hold on the reigns and put me back in the passenger seat. I need him to punish me, and then to forgive me so that we can both move forward. Then, I can finally settle into the cozy place where I feel most at peace, right next to my husband.

As The World Turns

This last year has been the longest, hardest year of my life. My son spent 3 weeks in the hospital last Fall, my mom got sick, we lost her this Spring, my dad moved in with us, my husband’s job has been impacted by corona horribly, a good friend of ours took his life last week absolutely unexpectedly, and I’m about to turn another year older this week. After 30, birthdays haven’t been something I look forward to. Now despite all of that, I catch myself feeling good more and more often lately. The sun is out, it’s 68 degrees, it’s the holiday season and everyone around me is just extra kind. I’m fixing to make some Christmas candy with my kids and jam to some good music. It’s hard to put into words, but I almost feel guilty for days like these when I’m contented and happy. Losing loved ones is so painful.

Adam and I have struggled while I’ve been trying to crawl out of the hole I found myself stuck in emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I retreat into myself and refuse to let people in when life is too much. I’m very blessed to have a husband who is patient, kind, loving, and knows when I need to be left alone, when I need a hug, and when I need a spankin’. It’s hard when we aren’t as close or understanding of each other, but it’s also beautiful how much closer we grow when we finally reach the other side of troubled times. He stands with me through all of the ups and downs.

I have some stories to tell and ideas for new blog posts, so I’m going to post more often so long as I’m able to stay upright for awhile before life throws anymore BS at me! I miss this because I love to write, but depression takes the joy out of everything. I’m praying for more days like this one. Happy Holidays!

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

My brother and I often heard that as children, “you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’”. Adam’s warning is “I’ll beat your bottom blue”. My parents never bruised us, and Adam’s never beat me blue, but the threat is still effective. I have been especially good and have been going through a lot of personal and family tragedy, so I haven’t felt Adam’s hand connect with my butt, let alone a belt/hairbrush/etc, besides some playful swats that are a regular occurrence at my house. I’ve had this quiet desire to do something that crosses the line so that I can “encourage” him to pull me across his lap and spank me til I’m sobbing and begging him to stop. It’s nearly impossible to explain why I would feel this way to anyone who doesn’t already understand. It makes me feel safe, protected, reminds me that my husband is in control. When life is throwing shit at me and there’s nothing I can do about it, I want to let go of the weight I feel I’m carrying on my own shoulders. I don’t just want to let go, I want to have to let go.

I’ve been especially horny lately, too. My friends doubt me, but Adam and I have sex every single night with only rare exceptions. Yet, I wake up wanting to get him inside me again and again. I think, for me, this comes from my enjoying having every ounce of Adam’s attention. Life is busy! He gets work calls and texts constantly. We spend way too much time staring at TV, iPad, iPhone screens. We have kids who wind up starting accidental fires, breaking bones, shooting BB guns and hitting the neighbor’s car if we aren’t paying attention. (They’re truly not bad kids, but these things have happened.) I love having his full attention.

Last night, I walked downstairs and Adam had his belt in his hand. Just the sight of it makes me cover my butt with my hands. Maybe, I won’t be so quick to tempt him into using that thing on me. Maybe.

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Dependants Day!

I’m laying by the pool, watching my kids splash in the water. I’ve got a nice tan started and a couple new bikini swimsuits to wear. Every afternoon that it’s not raining, I go out to the pool and swim with the kids for awhile and then lay out on a floatie in the water or a lounge chair by the pool and work on my tan. I am so incredibly blessed…spoiled even.

I have been hurting this last year and life hasn’t been this carefree every moment. Any second now, something will come along to slap me out of my happy bubble. I’m not exaggerating how difficult it’s been. I might be focusing too much on that, though. As I sit here by the pool, I’m reminded just how good I still have it. I text Adam a picture of the kids splashing and asked him how his day is going. He wrote back “HOT. It’s hot as hell!” Adam will tease me about lounging by the pool all day, but he knows I also keep up with all the things I need to get done at home and with the kids. He’s not really angry that I get to swim on a hot afternoon. I actually think he’s proud that his wife and kids can have a fun summer swimming and playing outside. He’s proud that he is able to provide for our family and allow me to be here with our kids everyday. He’s a great husband and daddy. I sure do have it made. Despite the issues I can’t escape, I still have a pretty fantastic life.

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[How to] Give him back his pants

Submission is a gift. I wouldn’t say I was naturally “submissive” before I met Adam. Adam had a confidence that sort of commanded that those close to him follow his lead. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made in the beginning to submit to my husband. The words submit and obey still leave a bad taste in my mouth when I say them out loud. I think society teaches girls that submitting to and obeying a man is to betray womankind altogether. Women fought so hard for equal rights, for the same opportunities as men. I’m absolutely for those things. I chose this man I’m married to. I chose to allow him to lead when I followed him from the start. Some women are born leaders. Some men are submissive. We’re all in charge of our own destiny. I wouldn’t suggest that everyone reading this should think the way I do. I’m only speaking for myself and my relationship. Having said all of that, if you find you’re frustrated with your significant other because they aren’t getting things done, aren’t standing up for you, aren’t throwing you down on the bed and conquering you like you’re the only thing they’ve ever wanted, I have some ideas that might help.

Number 1. Decide you’re going to let go of your need to be in control. If you’re afraid to let him call the plumber about the leaky faucet because he won’t pick the right guy for the job, he won’t be able to explain the problem as well as you, he will just get overcharged…etc. Give him the opportunity to do it his way. Adam never loads the dishwasher my way, but if he loads the dishwasher, and the dishes get done, who cares! Don’t wait expectantly for him to fail either. If he doesn’t get it right, give him the chance to fix his own mistake. If he loves you, if he wants the best for his family, he is not going to make bad decisions just to piss you off.

Number 2. Remind both of you who’s calling the shots. I need Adam to put his big strong arms around me. I need him to hold me down and show me he can get what he wants. I want him to pin my hands above my head and ravish every inch of me. I need him to put me over his knee and leave some handprints on my ass. I find myself tiptoeing over the line sometimes just to find out whether Adam will stop me. Will he notice? Will he punish me? I don’t really want to get away with it. I want him to keep me safe and to notice me when I’m crossing the line. I want him to do something about it when I go too far. By him doing that, I’m reminded that Adam is calling the shots. He’s looking out for me and he isn’t going to let anything bad happen to me.

Number 3. Show him how much you appreciate him. It is fuel for their engine when you acknowledge what they do and say thank you in even the smallest of ways. You can write a note telling him how sexy he looked while he was cutting the grass last night. You can say thank you for working for (x amount of) hours so that I could get this new (thing). Cook his favorite supper for him. Those little acts of encouragement can make all the difference to Adam. He wants to be noticed just like I do.

These are just a few things that work well for Adam and I when we have been “stuck” for awhile. It’s important to me that Adam leads well. It’s at least as important to Adam that he leads well. He wants to make me happy. He wants to do right by his family. It does me good to remember that when I’m feeling frustrated with him.