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I F***ed Up….again

So, a few weeks ago, I ordered these really cool sheer window blinds that don’t need cords or knobs to move them up and down. They just stay wherever you want to push or pull them. We needed something like this in our eat in area in our kitchen and I’ve looked for just what I wanted since we moved in here. I finally found exactly what I wanted for only $50 a piece. I just needed 2 of them. We finally hung them a couple weeks ago and it turned out, one of them was broken. I contacted the company who sent out a replacement, but I needed to ship back the defective one or else we’d be charged for the replacement. Y’all probably know where this is going now.

I had the blind in the box and ready to take to the UPS store, but I kind of sort of put that off. I went to do it yesterday, and discovered I’d waited too long and we’d been charged. I doubted I could even still send this broken one back now. I seriously debated whether to tell Adam about this. He would never ever notice a relatively small amount of money missing from one of our accounts anyway. I was very quiet and he kept asking me why I was so distant. Finally, while we were getting ready for bed, I told him. Guilt got to me and it felt too much like lying. I just knew how frustrated he would be considering we’d just addressed my bad habit of procrastinating a few weeks ago. I told him the whole situation. Then I giggled nervously, waiting for him to respond. I did not think it was funny. I just get like that when I’m nervous. Also, my ears turn bright red, which Adam commented on. He sighed and asked me “What am I going to do with you???” I replied “Accept me for the way I am?” He smiled and he pulled me into him. My face is right at his chest when he holds me because he’s about a foot taller than I am. I knew he wasn’t happy. He was showing me he loved me, anyway. He told me that I am not allowed to buy anything else for the house or for fun for 2 weeks. No more Fall candles that I love. No new lotion or makeup or whatever thing I would’ve gotten. Things the kids NEED or food, that’s it. Then, he informed me that I needed to still try to contact the seller and see if there’s any way I can still return this blind. He told me that, if not, I would have a second punishment to deal with the following night. I knew what he was saying. I slept in his arms, like normal. Except, I didn’t sleep particularly well because I was so nervous they wouldn’t take the blinds back now and Adam would be upset all over again tomorrow. So, this morning, I sent Adam a very long text message explaining that I swear I’m not just trying to get into trouble, or to piss him off. I hate doing that. I just think I can get away with putting off some things and it bites me in the ass, again. And again. I explained how nervous I was to even try to see if they’d take them back because it was easier for me to not call and hear them say yes, than it was to think of calling and hearing them tell me no. And then know I was going to be in more trouble with him tonight. And then, I asked him if I could still have Biscuit (a friend of ours who details our vehicles for us) come do my car this week. I asked if that counted as money I can’t spend. He told me yes, that counts. He told me I could clean my car myself. Awhile later, he called. He said that if I contacted the seller, AND they’d still take them back and refund me, I could still have Biscuit come do my car. Otherwise, he’d better see me with a clean car in the driveway when he gets home. I was so excited when I finally got ahold of the sellers and they said I could still return them!! I text Adam and I asked him to pleeeeease print off the label I needed for the box at his work for me because our printer still isn’t even set up since our move. After a little back and forth texts, he text back that yes, he would print it for me. This is when I told him thank you and that I won’t ask Biscuit to do my car this week even.

I think I’ve dodged a bullet today. I’m pretty sure Adam isn’t going to feel the need to spank me or to ground me from anything else tonight now. I still haven’t asked if this means I can buy fun things again? I suppose that wouldn’t be a good idea, yet. I honestly respect Adam even more when he handles my shit this way sometimes. Sometimes I need him to punish me with a spanking. Sometimes, I need him to be more creative. I know danged well that if I hadn’t obeyed him with this more creative punishment, I’d have not sat down comfortably for several days. I didn’t want that. I fully intend to obey him in this. I’m so, so glad that things worked out this way today. I can breathe and the sinking feeling in my belly is all better now. I was especially afraid of the spanking he might give me if they wouldn’t have taken them back. Not that he’d hurt me in any extensive kind of way, just that I already had a lot of guilt and felt foolish. I was totally willing to accept these other things he has punished me with. Now I’m excited for him to come home and I can have a clear conscience tonight!

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Good Morning!

I am taking a break. Been up since 5:00am. I got kids up and off to school. Planned out this week’s supper menu and bought all the groceries I need to make them. I got breakfast dishes washed and threw a load of laundry in the washer. Made our bed. Got myself ready for the day. Fed the dogs. Swept all the hardwood floors and dusted the front room. Still need to vacuum, but I decided to sit for a minute and take a break. I’ve been searching for these frozen egg noodles I use to make chicken noodle soup and beef and noodles. Tried every store near us and nobody seems to ever have them. So, I looked online and found I can order a big ol case of them for like $63. I showed Adam yesterday and said I know it’s ridiculous, but I really want these so I can make those things again. We can put them in the deep freezer and I won’t have to worry about buying them again for awhile. This morning I text him and asked “Can I buy those frozen egg noodles?” He wrote right back, “Sure!” My hubby’s so good to me ❤️

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Observations

Saturday morning, Jackie could not stop talking about the night before when Adam picked me up off the ground, lifted his knee in the air, threw me over it, and spanked me. He wasn’t even upset, really. Just sort of reminding me to watch my mouth with him. She has asked me so many questions, but not out of shock and horror, she’s intrigued. She’s seen him slap my butt. I’ve told her bits and pieces of situations and arguments. She mentioned how she was proud of Adam because she didn’t know he really did “wear the pants”. Until I opened up and really explained our relationship, she believed it was all a game. Like Adam was pretending to be in charge sometimes. She invited her guy friend over. We call him “Super Trooper” because he’s a cop. He really likes Jackie and he’s a nice guy. Maybe too nice, though? Adam and I watched her pushing and testing him all evening. My mouth dropped open in absolute shock at some of the things she was saying to him! I told Adam, I cannot even begin to imagine trying to talk to you like that! He told me exactly what I knew he’d do if I tried it. Jackie was so obviously just begging this guy to stand the fuck up to her. It’s an interesting thing to observe from the outside. He did slap her behind a few times and put her into one of those “cop holds” so she couldn’t move for a minute. She so clearly wanted to know if he would do anything. And if so, what?

This afternoon, we talked some more and I gave her the best analogy I could come up with to describe why I’m good with Adam taking charge and spanking me, even when I’m not enjoying it.

Let’s say Adam and I are walking down a sidewalk alongside a busy highway. We start to argue and we’re both getting pissed off. I decide to pull away from him and step off the curb into oncoming traffic. Adam has 3 options now. 1) He can do nothing. If I get hit by a car, that’s on me. 2) He could push me further into the street because he’s angry. 3) He could grab my arm and pull me right the heck off the damn street and back onto the sidewalk where it’s safe. Of these three options, which one makes you feel most loved and protected? Which would give you reason to seriously respect your man? Well, that’s how I look at it. No, it isn’t always fun. It isn’t always easy. We don’t always get it right.

My best friend is taking in all of this, and she’s never had good luck with men. She either dated someone who is abusive and cruel. Or she goes out with really nice guys who let her walk all over them. I would love for her to find what I have. It has blown her mind to learn that Adam isn’t just a pushover. He adores me and he wants to give me the world, but he will not let me walk all over him. Thank God. Because watching her speak to Super Trooper like that was torturous.

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My People and Me

I have known my best friend, Jackie, for nearly 20 years. We were still kids when we became neighbors and we met as teenagers. We used to sneak away so we could hide somewhere and smoke cigarettes. We told each other everything. Still do. She has been with me through my marriage, my babies being born, losing my mom. She has always been my kids cool aunt. She hasn’t had much luck with relationships. Her childhood was riddled with trauma and abuse causing negative patterns that continued well into adulthood for her. She’s working on herself and I’m very proud of who she’s becoming recently. She finished the lease on her apartment and has moved into our house. We have a walk out apartment area in our basement and she is staying there hoping to save money for a house of her own. Adam doesn’t mind her staying here and I love having her around.

Last night, we set up corn hole (an outdoor game with bags you throw into a hole). We hadn’t done that in awhile because it’s been way too hot, but it was beautiful out last night. Jackie, a guy friend of hers, Adam, and I threw the bags and, as always, Jackie and I were kicking ass and taking names. This is the one game where I can beat Adam consistently. Not always, but most always. We had my little bose speaker playing music and a fridge full of beer in the garage. Everybody, except Adam, had a pretty good buzz going from the drinks. He enjoys sitting back and watching me get a “beer buzz” because I’m a silly, happy kind of drunk. I don’t get sloppy and wasted. Just loosened up and goofy. Somehow, the conversation went to a couple of weeks ago when I’d told Jackie that I hadn’t done several things Adam had warned me to get done. She laughed and told me to stomp on the floor real hard 3 times if I needed her to come busting into our room. It was just a joke. Then, the other night when Adam was away and her and I stayed up talking until nearly 4:00am, she asked me what ever happened with that. I told her the truth. Adam spanked me! She just giggled and said we were “so kinky”. She isn’t necessarily wrong. We are pretty great together in bed. That was that. Until last night. I was getting a little bit too “mouthy” toward Adam and I called him an asshole for what I perceived as cheating in our game of corn hole. He leaned over me and gave me a few hard swats on my behind and told me “Keep it up”. That’s a clear and obvious warning for me to not “keep it up”. Jackie says “Holy crap! Did that hurt??” I laughed and told her that was nothing! This lead to a whole explanation about why I’m ok with it, but yes, it does hurt. I think she had just then realized that Adam isn’t always just playing with me. Sometimes, he means it. And, he really is “the boss”. I told her some things I’ve already written here about how literally every other relationship I have with my family and friends, even strangers most times, I am the bossy one. I have naturally been the one who leads since I was a child. Adam is the one and only person who usurps my leadership role and I’m so grateful for it. I don’t think it occurred to Jackie that maybe I need somebody like me. I even mentioned Adam had been making me call him “sir” sometimes. It blew her mind that I can be made to do anything! I think I’ve been afraid to say too much about this stuff because I was afraid that I could lose the respect of “my people”. When I say my people, I mean my family and friends. The people who matter to me. I knew Jackie assumed it was just us being kinky, and I left it that way. For some reason, maybe the alcohol, I decided to let her hear the truth. It felt good to do that. I don’t have secrets from her. I could immediately see that it didn’t change the way she thinks of me, but it did change the way she thinks of Adam. She has a new level of respect for him now, too. Like, if he can tell me what to do, he must be one hell of a leader himself! I’m okay with that. I like for people to see what I do in my husband. To respect him. To understand what he is to me.

I’m a little tired today after staying up late and drinking. Adam went into work for awhile this morning. I think tonight is going to be a quiet night. Adam can grill some pork chops, I’ll make some pasta salad and my famous lemon and pepper green beans. We can sit on the deck and just hang out. ❤️

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The Case for Domestic Discipline

Adam and I have been having really good conversations the last few nights. It occurred to me that it might almost seem as if I’ve done or said things because I actually wanted Adam to spank me. Like it’s just a sexy, fun game we’re playing. Adam slaps my ass all the time. That is sexy and fun. I’m never out doing stupid shit because I want to make him angry, though. Teasing, playing around, yes. Being disrespectful and not following through with things, that’s never because I think a spanking would be fun. I got to thinking about it. Let’s say you’re not wearing your seatbelt, you speed through a work zone and nearly rear ended the car in front of you. You see the red and blue lights come on in your rear view mirror, and you have to pull over. Would any of us have been doing those things specifically because you wanted to get pulled over? Heck no! You’ve been reckless, and you’ve been caught now. Here are your options. You could get a speeding ticket, OR you can go to prison. If you had to pick, which one would most of us prefer? I know I’d take the speeding ticket. I don’t want one. Now my insurance rates will increase. I have hundreds of dollars I have to pay in fines. However, that’s most definitely the better alternative to being sent to prison.

Adam and I had one of those WW3 kind of fights last weekend. That’s “prison”, for me. 10 out of 10 times I would tell you I’d prefer the “speeding ticket”. Did I want him to spank me? No. I wanted to give him hell and to get away with it. At least, I did in the moment. Looking back, I so wish he’d have just spanked me for the way I acted and then I could’ve calmly explained my own upset in our situation. I’d have been remorseful for my part in it, he would no longer be angry or need to punish me, and I could then talk to him about the reasons I was feeling hurt and frustrated.

We don’t always handle ourselves well. These WW3 type fights are very rare. In these instances, I would most definitely prefer a “speeding ticket”. Hell, a “warning” has worked before! Adam and I have talked a lot about this over the last few days. I don’t give him serious reasons to want to spank me very often. Maybe I get mouthy every few weeks. I am a smart ass most of the time. I usually use my wit for good, but I can be disrespectful toward him with my attitude at times. I hadn’t neglected my “job” here at home for a very long time, until recently. I’ve been on track and haven’t let anything else slide so far. I’ve done very good with that lately. There are times, probably like once a year, if not longer in between, when I just go all in. I’m being a bitch, and I know it. I don’t care. I know I’m not handling myself the way I should be. I know I’m not helping the situation by continuing to poke and prod at Adam in an effort to get him as angry as I am. I want him to feel what I feel. To see what I’m seeing. Once I have sufficiently pissed him off, it’s game on. The truth is, I never want it to go that far. Inside, I am screaming for him to make this stop. To end this. To assure me that he is still in control and this isn’t going to happen again. I’ve talked to him about these things plenty. I’ve told myself that I won’t let it get like that next time. I remind myself how deeply I really do desire to show my husband respect. I still fail sometimes. The very best thing to have come out of this is the brutal and unwavering honesty that has followed. I tell Adam everything. I don’t have secrets from him. The biggest reason for my upset when we fight is that I feel he doesn’t care about the things I’ve opened up about during many previous conversations. He knows everything to do and say that will rip my heart out in the moment. But, I won’t give up. I refuse to. One day, we will successfully navigate even the biggest arguments so well that they’ll never be allowed to grow into tremendous fights that hurt us both. I love that we have spent every evening this week talking. We’ve talked about all of these things. My confidence has been restored. I believe in my husband. I have faith in us. I am not going to go forward and try to screw up because I prefer it when Adam is proud of me. Inevitably, I will do something or say something stupid again, and I really do have complete confidence in my husband’s ability to handle it well, like he does most always.

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Power Dynamics

I wrote awhile ago about when Adam had required me to answer him with “yes sir” during a somewhat stern discussion he was having with me about my failure to get some important things done. I wrote about how those two little words created this obvious energy between us. He is in charge right now. He means it. I need to acknowledge to him that I understand that. It’s incredibly sexy. It reassures me that he’s got me and I know he is going to hold me accountable so I need to do what I’m told right now. It isn’t about being a bully. It’s about him looking out for my best interests. For our well being.

Sex also has this effect on me. Adam is in charge. He controls how, when, where he is going to pleasure himself and me. I always know that I can ask him to change position, to go slower or harder. Often, he knows what I want without a word having been spoken, and he’s happy to oblige me. It isn’t as if I don’t have any power or say in what we are doing. Ultimately though, he is the deciding factor. Even when I’m on top of him, he will grab my hips and move me himself. In bed, Adam is the boss. He’s got the final say. He deeply desires to please me. He won’t do anything to harm me. I fully trust him.

I believe that when Adam spanks me it is a very similar experience for both of us. He is much bigger and stronger than I am. Without exhausting much energy at all, he can bend me over, pull down my panties, and bring his hand (or a spoon, hairbrush, belt, whatever) down on my behind. He doesn’t have to stop until he is satisfied. Again, there is an unspoken energy happening between us that brings me back down to earth. I have no choice but to recognize that I am absolutely not in charge right now. And it’s sexy as hell to me. Even when he is upset with me, so long as he has himself under control, I feel safe. I would always much prefer this over seeing my husband lose his shit and handle me without care. As long as I know that he is saying or doing something in love, I accept it. I appreciate it. I admire him for it. I respect him.

In nearly all other areas of my life, I am in charge. I run the house. I take care of our kids, our pets. I am the “strong one” in my family most always. So many people who matter to me count on me to be the one with a clear, calm, level head. Adam is the only person who I don’t have to always be those things with. I can lean into him and count on him to be looking out for me. I crave the security that comes from having him hold me accountable. Watch out for me. Protect me. These times when he and I are showing each other that we understand our places in this moment, he is leading, I am following. They make this all real. We aren’t just playing out a fantasy. This isn’t pretend. I do have so much power in our relationship. I understand how much Adam does simply because his goal is always for me to be healthy and happy. Things he doesn’t want to do, but he does for me. If I need something, he will provide it. If I want something, he wants to give it to me. If I am wrong, he calls me on it. He is the head. I am the neck. I truly wouldn’t ever wish it to be any other way.

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Real

I write here about my real life. I talk about real feelings and emotions, the good and the bad. I just word vomit all of it out on here because it’s been good for me. All of this to say, I really don’t have much to say today. Last night was a great night. Adam and I sat out on our deck and talked. We teased and laughed. He grabbed my ass and gave me a squeeze a couple times through the evening. We stayed up a little later than usual, but he wanted to. I think it was helpful to both of us being able to hang out alone together. We made love again when we went to bed. After, I laid on his chest and I said I was sorry for hanging up on him and ignoring him. He told me that meant a lot to him having me say that. He held me in his arms all through the night.

I had a lot of errands to run today. My kids first full day back to school is this coming Thursday, so plenty of things to do getting ready for that. We had no more than walked into the door when a storm popped up out of nowhere so it’s pouring rain and thundering out now. I’m in a pretty good mood. Just there isn’t a whole heck of a lot to talk about yet. I’m very glad to have my husband home now and to have our recent troubles behind us. I can’t wait for it to be the weekend so we can spend some more time together than only the few hours we get between when he gets home from work and bedtime. ❤️

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Fresh Start

Saturday morning, Adam was supposed to be heading home at 9:00am. I made supper plans expecting him to be home. They decided to go have breakfast and ended up not leaving until 11:15am. I was not happy. It genuinely felt like he wasn’t in any hurry to come home. Meanwhile, I’ve been over here counting down the days, hours, and minutes til his return. So, I hung up on him when he called and didn’t reply to his texts until hours later. He had text me asking “are you excited because I’m ready to be home”. A couple hours later I replied with “take highway 41 off 24 to go around the construction”. They’re doing road construction right at the Kentucky Tennessee border, so I knew it would shave off time. However, I also knew that he wouldn’t appreciate that being my only response. He almost instantly text back “well that answers that”. There were no more phone calls or texts until he got home. I stood in the kitchen and didn’t come to the door to greet him. All week, I had pictured jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist to give him the biggest hug and kiss. Unfortunately, that wasn’t how it played out. He came into the kitchen and tried to give me a kiss, but I turned and just gave him my cheek. It was nearly 10:00pm, so kids gave him some love and then it was time for bed. As soon as Adam and I climbed into bed…all hell broke loose. He said some things. I said some things. I wound up crying myself to sleep at 1:00am. Woke up at 5:00am with a headache from hell. We barely spoke to each other most of Sunday. Polite enough to not arouse suspicion with the kids, although I’m certain they heard our raised voices Saturday night. Finally, last night, while I was fixing supper, he came up behind me and spun me around and kissed my lips for the first time in over a week. I let him this time. He had really hurt my feelings, but I also can’t stand it when we’re fighting. I was feeling more alone since he’d gotten home than I had that entire week he was away. We didn’t talk about it all until bedtime. We sat in bed and both apologized for stupid shit we’d said. More tears that I couldn’t stop from forming began to fall down my face. He hates when I cry. I hate when I cry! I feel weak and pathetic. I honestly don’t cry very often at all. Once we had talked it out, I laid in his arms and kept my head on his chest. He asked me if a spanking would help. I said “No, not tonight please. I need you to love me right now.” He gently kissed me and rolled over on top of me. He made love to me in that typically boring, slow, soft, missionary position way and it was exactly what I needed.

I know that very soon, I will be getting spanked for ignoring him, twice. It just wasn’t the right time last night. I sometimes think what about him? I don’t get to spank his ass when he screws up. I realize, though, that he does get punished. He has the responsibility to fix it. He has the weight of his failure. He lost my respect and a piece of my heart, even if temporarily. That kills him. He has to work to regain my full trust. I told him what that does to me. Having this assurance that he would never be hateful toward me, even in anger. His words cut me like a knife. It takes time for me to truly trust that he will not do this again the next time he’s upset with me. It makes it so much harder to come to him and confess anything. I put up a wall. I don’t mean to, it isn’t what I want, but I worry that I can’t trust him to protect me when he’s the one who has caused me this kind of hurt. It isn’t like I didn’t say or do anything that wasn’t nice. I definitely did. I suppose it isn’t fair then, but that’s my point. These things are his punishment, even if it isn’t necessarily meant to be. I don’t distance myself emotionally because it’s what I want. I’m protecting myself.

Today is a brand new day. He went to work this morning. I got my kiss before he left. The knots in my stomach are nearly all gone. The hurt has lessened significantly. We will get back to us very soon. Maybe a spanking would help now?

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Unhappy Homecoming

I really can’t write much yet. To be honest, we have a lot going on today. It’s going to be busy here. I have so much to say, but it’s just not finished yet. I can’t talk about the hard stuff until I’m through it. Adam made it home late last night and I am glad for that. We were both exhausted and drained and a healthy conversation couldn’t possibly come out of that. When it’s settled, over, done, I will be able to put words down here. I know I’m probably being too sensitive. I let too much bottle up and wanted to throw it at him as soon as he got home. Not the best choice. I’m not good at pretending I’m fine when I’m not, though. Part of me is already so looking forward to tonight, when the kids are in bed and we can finally get whatever needs to be said and done over with. Part of me dreads tonight because I don’t want it to look like last night. Neither of us did a good job being husband and wife. I woke up with a splitting headache and my stomach is in knots. We have my family coming by this afternoon. We’re helping my sister get moved into her new place. The kids want to see their dad. My husband is home, but I still miss him like crazy. I hate this feeling more than anything.

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Yes Sir

I’m not going to suggest that I always give Adam an enthusiastic “yes sir”. I rarely call him “sir” if I’m being honest. It’s a skill you learn well living down where we do. Our kids know when their Mama hollers for them, “yes ma’am” is the correct response. They don’t necessarily use that phrase in every conversation between us, though. There are times when it is called for. Adam has only recently began to demand it from me during said times it might be called for. As I have mentioned before, I can be stubborn. If I’m in a cooperative mood, I might freely give him the expected “yes sir”. Other times, I attempt to refuse. The phrase “Do you understand?” Is a great example. It might take a few more smacks on my butt to even get the “yes” out of me, let alone a “yes sir”. I find it incredibly sexy when he holds me to it. Even if I might be feeling stubborn and refusing (at first) to say it. Expecting, even demanding a “yes sir” is one of the ways Adam establishes his authority in those moments. Whether I want to admit it or not, he is in charge right now and I need to let him know I recognize that. “Yes sir” is a simple, yet powerful way to do this. I think the most attractive thing Adam can do is to put me in my place when I need it. The truth is, I don’t want to be in charge of him. If I’m doubting his ability to lead well, things as small as requiring me to address him as an authority lets me know that he has, in fact, still got this.

I actually have some pretty good ideas sometimes. And I’m right about things from time to time too! I don’t want him to belittle or ignore my opinions. I just love when he absolutely requires me to share them with a respectful attitude rather than one of “authority”. I can convince him of damn near anything if I do it sweetly, respectfully. Being a rude or bitchy wife shouldn’t get me anywhere, and I recognize this when I’m calm. Reasonable, sane me understands how important all this is to me. Unreasonable me, the one filled with rage and adrenaline me, struggles. I might still believe I am right with my idea or my opinion, but I don’t believe I should “win” any arguments by belittling, insulting, or disrespecting Adam. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of crap where I need him to take charge and “put me back”. Remind me that he’s my husband, I’m his wife. He isn’t talking to me like I am to him. He isn’t belittling me in front of anyone. I shouldn’t be doing that either.