Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy
Take your time, hurry up
Choice is yours, don’t be late

~Nirvana

I hesitate to announce this, because I was just about to do something like this, some months back, before I started watching the littles everyday. My ideas had gotten pushed toward the bottom of my priority list, until I would be able to commit the time it would require. I’m getting so excited about it, now, though! I have to write about it here. Jackie and I have talked about doing a “vlog”. We would really just be making video blogs of our everyday life. Much like the way I write here, about my days. We’d probably post weekly, sharing our shenanigans, and occasionally doing more of a podcast style chat. Recently, we’ve gotten much more serious about this. I think we’re about ready to give this thing a try!

I would never stop writing, because it truly is like therapy, for me. I need to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and emotions, and I do that best in writing. The video stuff, would simply be a new addition.

Jackie, Mikayla, and I are making another attempt to drive to Knoxville, on Wednesday. We plan to check out the campus, and have a tour scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Tomorrow, I have to take Mj to her Nashville doctor. This evening, Mj has a Spring choir concert. The littles will be here, in about half an hour. It’s going to be a pretty busy week!

Last night, Adam and I were playing around, and he pulled his hand back, to give my butt a little smack. I quickly moved my hand, to block his. My thumb got jammed. He felt guilty, and kissed my thumb. Then, I giggled, held up my middle finger, and told him “good thing it wasn’t THIS finger!” 😆 (I thought it was funny!) Adam wasn’t mad. He tried his best to conceal the grin that escaped from the corner of his mouth. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and swatted my behind a few times.

It sure looks like rain is on its way here, this morning. We definitely don’t need anymore rain, but we’ve got a whole week full of chances for it. This is our kids’ last full week of school, before Summer break! I’m both excited, and sad, because this is Mikayla’s very last days of high school. In just a few more days, I’m going to watch her little white car pull up to the house, and she’ll walk through the door, throw her backpack and lunch bag onto the kitchen floor (which drives me crazy!), and it’ll be the last time. It’s such a strange thing to be here, at this place in time, already. I’m really looking forward to our girls trip, to Gulf Shores, though! It’s only a few more weeks, and we’ll be headed to the beaches of Alabama! I’m confident, we’re gonna have a fan-freakin-tastic Summer. So, I guess I’m this weird amalgamation of mixed up feelings, right now. Happy, proud, sad, afraid, excited, confident, sentimental… A whole lot of things, that contradict one another, all at once. We’re on the precipice of a whole new “normal”, for my family. That’s not a bad thing. I’ve never been a big fan of change, though. Life and God have to push me into these kinds of things. It’s always okay, very quickly. In fact, it’s almost always even better than the place I’d spent so long, feeling so comfortable in. The new “normal” brings lots and lots of amazing things I’d never have experienced otherwise. I will forever cherish all the beautiful memories, from a time that’s over now. Part of our past. I hope to bravely embrace the times to come, and have faith that, just like all the times before, it’s all going to be alright.

It is Sunday 
Just another Sunday…

~Tommy Lee

Happy Mother’s Day, to all the Mamas out there! Today was an absolutely perfect kind of Sunday. We slept in, this morning. Then, I lazily drank coffee outside, listening to the sounds of Summertime. I took a long shower, while I listened to my “shower songs” playlist. I put on a cute sundress, and braided my hair. Justin and Jackie came over. We all sat on the patio, talking and laughing. It was sort of a very impulse buy, but Adam and I ended up buying a pool. We aren’t doing an in ground one. Just a decent sized above ground pool. The boys are excited to get it all set up, next weekend. They need to buy some sand, to level out the ground it’ll be sat on. The kids are pretty excited, too!

Adam grilled us some burgers, brats and hotdogs. I made potato and pasta salads. We all sat out on our deck, and ate supper. Everyone stayed out there, spending even more time telling silly stories, making jokes, and laughing nearly non stop. It was a great afternoon.

The weather was mid 80’s, and sunny. I got to spend the day with most of my favorite people. I have no traces leftover, of whatever sudden rush of sadness I’d been bombarded by, on Friday. It’s only happy, today. My heart is so full. What an awesome Mother’s Day!

Sometimes I’m right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people

~The Forest Rangers

[I realize the original version of this song is by Sly and the Family Stone, but this is my favorite one 😉]

We went over to Justin and Jackie’s place, last night. I cut Justin’s hair, and then we played a card game. It was a lot of fun!

This morning, I woke up to Mikayla, her boyfriend, and Adam making breakfast. Mikayla has to work, tomorrow, so she made me a Mother’s Day breakfast, this morning instead. She made waffles and Adam cooked the bacon. It was delicious.

This afternoon, Adam, Justin, and Mikayla’s boyfriend went to work on a vehicle. Jackie hung out at my house, with me. We sat out on the deck, and had a blast just talking and laughing. MJ’s best friend is here, for the weekend. The little girls are having so much fun together. Wyatt, Mj, and her friend all played baseball, this afternoon.

The boys came home, absolutely filthy.

They all got showered and dressed, and we went over to Mikayla’s food truck, to grab some supper. I am absolutely stuffed, but darn it, that was delicious.

Now, I’m just sitting downstairs, enjoying the sounds of Mj and her friend splashing around in a bubble bath, in Adam and my whirlpool bathtub. Adam is watching the other kids play video games, upstairs.

Tomorrow, we’re all barbecuing some burgers and brats. We’re going to have a fun family “Sunday Funday”, and spend our Mother’s Day together. I think that’s the most perfect kind of weekend I could’ve asked for. It’s amazing. This is me. I am everyday people. I enjoy telling my story, here, but I really am just another girl, living my life. Doing my best to be my best self. Somehow, I seem to have found a whole lot more good, than not. I suppose that’s the same struggle for most of us. We’re all everyday people, doing what we can to get through this life, while spreading a little joy and happiness along the way. Take a moment to step back and appreciate the good in your today, because you just might find there to be more than you even realized. It’s the simple things. All the laughs. The jokes. The people around you, smiling and laughing, too. It’s magical.

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little [girl]
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a [girl] supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you,my love
I send this smile over to you

~The Smashing Pumpkins

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, four years ago, we went over to my mother’s place. I’d made her gluten free brownies, because she (says) she has celiac disease. Although, I very much doubt most of the illnesses she claimed for herself were ever real. She feigned so many health issues, in her attempts to get her hands on pills, and maintain our sympathy. I would excuse her selfish, cruel behaviors, and blame them on all of her health challenges. I can’t forget how hurt I was, that last Mother’s Day I spent, with my mom. She was angry with me. I couldn’t understand why? I thought maybe she was upset that I only brought her the brownies? She stumbled around, barely able to participate in our outdoor picnic lunch. I left there feeling so incredibly hurt and sad. That’s the last time I really saw her. I saw her during her wild, rage fueled trips to bang on my windows and doors. I saw her in court, when I had to petition for a protection order from her. I shouldn’t be feeling a damn thing for her, now. But, for some damn reason, today I am.

I have the most amazing family. I’m surrounded by people who love and care for me. There are no conditions placed on their time, attention, or their affection. They actually want to be with me. I just can’t understand why then, do I continue to notice the same “holes” within myself. Ones I truly believed I’d succeeded in filling up. Yet, somehow, every now and then, a day comes along and my mind digs back up these empty spaces I’ve so tried to replace with all of the beauty and love I do have. I’m frustrated with myself, because I have to stop this shit. I can’t keep allowing my past to hurt me this way. I’m reopening wounds that should’ve been healed over. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I’m honestly not in a bad mood, today. I’m not sitting here, in a puddle of tears. I’m simply attempting to make these thoughts, haunting my today, go away.

Mikayla, Jackie, and I hung out, this afternoon. Mikayla was out of school early, so we all went out to do some shopping around. Adam seems to be in a real good mood, too. He’s bringing home a pressure washer, so we can clean off my outdoor rug, on our patio. Him and Justin have plans to work on a couple vehicle projects, this weekend. Jackie and Justin invited us over, to play some cards, tonight. So long as Adam’s up for it, I’m totally down to do that! It’s going to be a great weekend, damn it.

~Blackhawk

Yesterday morning, things got pretty intense, shortly after I published my blog post. The rain was pouring down so hard, you couldn’t even see past the window. We’d gotten close to 3 inches of rain, day before yesterday. By this morning, we’d added another 8 inches to that. So, we got around 11 inches of rain in just TWO DAYS. There are several areas of local flooding. We’re fine, in my neighborhood. Besides all the rain, we were bombarded with absolute non stop tornado warnings, for hours.

When I texted my dad, to check in on him, his smart ass replied with these pictures…

We definitely had some scary moments, but everybody’s okay. Our house and vehicles are all good, too. We spent most of the afternoon, and evening, downstairs in our basement. Our power kept cutting off and on, so I didn’t get to cook supper. We just made sandwiches, with chips and some raw veggies, instead. It was actually kind of fun, hanging out downstairs, playing games with my kids, though.

I got annoyed with Adam, when everything first began to kick off. He wouldn’t listen to me, and go get to somewhere safe, during the first tornado warning… Why are men like this?!

It’s cloudy, still humid and wet, but not raining, today. We’re still experiencing some flooding, and remain in our flood warning, until late afternoon. I don’t have the littles, today OR tomorrow. My kids’ schools had a 2 hour late start, this morning. So, I even got to sleep in! I’m going to spend today catching up on some housework. I really need to clean and organize our basement.

That’s about all I have, for today. I’ve done a much better job, posting everyday, but there’s not always a whole lot to write about. Still, I know I enjoy being able to look back to what we were up to, weeks, months, and years from now. Time’s such a funny thing. I spent my childhood, so ready to grow up. Now, I wish it were possible to go back in time, sometimes. Or, to at least slow down my todays.

~Tyler Braden

Well, this is just great…

And, I just opened my big mouth, a few days ago, when I said I think we should be in the clear for a few months. We don’t usually get the tornado threats, once our weather turns hot. I guess I should not have decided to announce that, because nature is dying to prove me wrong, now.

It rained, yesterday morning. I had hung out bedding out to dry, and had to hurry and bring it back inside, when the sky decided to let loose. Then, the clouds cleared, and the sun came back out. It was very warm, and sticky, yesterday afternoon and evening.

Jackie came over, last night, and we hung out awhile. Adam got home, about 8:00pm. I kept supper warm, so I could eat with him. He helped me bring all of my potted plants inside, and we parked my car in the garage, in case we did get hail here. It stormed all through the night. We did get some small hail, during the night. This morning, it’s absolutely pouring rain, still. It looks like the next several hours will bring a whole lot more rain, too. It’s supposed to rain, non stop, all day and through most of tonight. The tornado threats are a bigger worry, for late tonight. This afternoon, it’s the flood advisory we’re in.

The littles will be here, soon. I really hope we don’t get any severe weather, while they’re here, and Adam and my babies aren’t home. Thank gosh, Mikayla isn’t scheduled to work, this evening. I should have all my people at home, where I can be sure they’re safe and sound. They cancelled school, at several surrounding schools, for today. Our kids’ schools were open today, though.

Hopefully, it isn’t one of those long, drawn out, “wish I’d have just stayed in bed” kind of days!

A lot of folks think if you got a few dollars you got it made
They think that’s all there is
They don’t see everything that happened before that
They just see you right now, there’s more to it, a lot more…

They say a rich man, he aint got no problems
He’s got all he’s wanted, never has to borrow but he’ll never see tomorrow
If everydays the same he works so much he never leaves his office most days
They say a poor man, he’s got all the problems
Everything is borrowed and he’s gotta work tommorow 
But you’ll never see the sorrow or tears upon his face
He’s always got a family and a dream he’ll always chase
They say a rich man, a poor man, together they are one in the same
We got one full life and we better go live it like we’re livin like we’re dying today

I guess they gotta divide us so we get conquered and fall
But we could stand among each other and not bicker at all
Imagine that, imagine life without a system that’s against us
Designed to make us hate each other more than the resistance 
They mask up and they ask if we’ve finally had enough
We stand up to fight back and they turn the pressure up
An attack on independence if you choose to press your luck
So don’t be wise, believe the lies and you can have another cup
I’m askin why’s there’s upper class and lower class and middle
And why’s a credit score the answer to the social riddle
See rich or poor it aint no more different for the sides
We’re all inside this hamster wheel just fightin to survive
See I wake up the same as you and you the same as I
So why’s all this fightin for position in the line
We’ll finish all the same when the shovel hits the dirt
Cuz one thing God will never ask is what the fuck’s your net worth…

~Overtime & Demun Jones

Adam and I’ve been through it all. When we were first married, we had to count every single cent we made and spent. One day, Adam came home, and told me he put in his two weeks notice, at his job. He had decided to start his own business. To say I was terrified, would be the understatement of the century. I can’t pretend I was a shining example of a supportive wife, in those first days. Adam would listen to my fears and worries, but it didn’t slow him down. He had made a choice, and he intended to make it work. Well, he did. He was very successful. Within 6 years, he sold his company, and moved onto a new one. We did have a few tight years, immediately after he moved on, but things have been on the upswing again, in recent years. One thing that’s remained very consistent, is Adam’s work ethic. The man refuses to ever turn down any opportunity to make money. I wouldn’t be where I’m at now, if it weren’t for his hard work. I absolutely recognize that. Still, I miss him, when his work commitments grow beyond those that I’d prefer them to. I guess I’m selfish, for wishing for only the best parts of success. Along with every accomplishment, sacrifices have to be made. I know Adam loves his family. I never doubt that, one bit. Things will slow down again. I just have to be patient. I’ve worked hard to be a supportive wife to him. It isn’t fair, for me to complain to him about how hard he’s working toward things, for us. So, I do my best. I really try to, anyhow.

Last night, I sent Adam the post I’d written. He didn’t say anything, about it. He got home, just before 9:00pm. We took a shower, and I asked him if he’d read what I’d sent him? He told me, “Of course I did. I’m your biggest fan, baby.” He made love to me, and held me in his arms all through the night. I felt him kiss my forehead, when he got out of bed, at 5:00am, this morning. I’ve got a great husband, who gives me a beautiful life. I suppose that’s why I crave his time and attention, so much. ❤️

~Demun Jones

Last night, it poured rain, most of the night. I got woken up, to a very loud thunder clap, early this morning. The whole house shook! Then, today, we’ve gone back and forth, between rain and sunshine. Which means, it’s humid.

After the littles left, I ran a few errands. I got some laundry folded and put away. I’m making chicken quesadillas, tonight, for supper.

Adam’s been dealing with a lot of shit, at work. I know it’s selfish of me, but I’m feeling neglected. I want his attention. I’ve even considered finding ways to piss him off, just to see if he’d notice. Nothing crazy. Just stuff like being short with him, rolling my eyes, or any similar version of blatant aggravation towards him. I miss him. I was sick, and then I’d injured my head. Now that I’m feeling good, he’s unavailable…and it sucks.

That’s all I’ve got, for today.

You’re beautiful
Every little piece, love don’t you know?
You’re really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you’ve looked for
I hope your love leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don’t, stay beautiful

~Taylor Swift

This afternoon has been a very typical lazy Sunday type of one. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, weed eated, and then used our leaf blower to clear off the driveway and sidewalks. Our yard looks nice. I’m sitting downstairs, with Diesel, just hanging out.

Mj slept down here, last night, instead of in her room. So, I had to remake the bed. She likes to hang out down here, too. It’s not super hot, out. Only low 80’s, but it’s humid. Our AC has been running a lot. It’s cooler in the basement, though, so I opened the door, to let in some fresh air. I love to listen to the birds singing. In the evenings, the bullfrogs croak like crazy. I hear crickets, too. The lightning bugs have returned, also. All the sights, sounds, and smells of Summer make me so happy! I can feel my own mood shifting, as Summer’s arriving. I sort of bitch and moan when I get into my car, and it’s so hot my legs stick to the leather seats. Truly, though, I love everything about Summertime. Being able to walk outside barefoot. Not requiring a robe when I wake up each morning, to help me keep warm. The birds, the crickets, bullfrogs, and lightning bugs. Spending time out by the pool. Wearing cute little sundresses. This is my most favorite time of the year, hands down! Severe weather isn’t nearly as big a threat, during the Summer months, either. We get enough rain to sustain the grass, but tornadoes and scary storms just aren’t the kind of worry they become during Fall and early Spring.

I’ve got a big honey ham, I’m planning to cook for our supper. I’m also making macaroni and cheese, along with some chopped red potatoes, seasoned in garlic, onion, and butter.

My head feels nearly 100% better, now. No headaches, or weird symptoms. I’m feeling great. Just enjoying a day of lounging around, taking in all the beauty around me.

Last night, after Adam and I went to bed, I told him about how Mikayla had worried about who would look after her flowers when she’s gone. It had hit me like a ton of bricks. I just hadn’t even realized that this was the last time she would be coming flower shopping with us. It’s the last time she’s decorating her bedroom with flowers, here. I thought about how she calls me, every time she’s leaving work, to ask me hey mama, do you need anything? And, if I do, she grabs it from the nearby grocery store. I sort of had a meltdown, last night. I sobbed into Adam’s shoulder, as he hugged me. All these things that have been such a normal and expected part of my life, are about to change. It’s the simplest of stuff, too. The little things, like flower shopping. It all seems to be happening in fast forward, now. I’m helpless to slow these changes down. Even if I could, I know I wouldn’t. I’m proud and excited for my baby. Watching her grow into this amazingly talented and gorgeous woman, is such a source of joy for me. Still, I don’t understand how anyone can ever feel “ready” to let their children go out into the world. I wonder, is it just me? Am I an overprotective maniac? I absolutely cannot stop the flow of tears that form, every time I think about how little time I have left with her, at home. So soon, she’s going to be making her own life, in her own home. Her boyfriend just purchased promise rings, for the two of them. She’s not my child anymore. I’m really struggling to allow these changes to penetrate into my own reality. It’s as if a part of me is in complete denial. Most of me recognizes these changes. All of me is proud as hell of her. I just can’t quite get myself to accept that my baby is about to leave this “nest”. The place I’ve worked so hard to keep my babies safe and secure in. I know I have to let her go. I even acknowledge how ready she is, for this. I’m going to miss her, and these wonderful days I’ve gotten to spend knowing she would always be here. Going upstairs every night, to hug her and tell her I love her. Laying awake, until I hear her come in the door, so I can fall asleep knowing she’s safe at home. There truly is no love like that of being a parent. My heart belongs to my babies. My husband, too, of course. My babies are like a huge piece of ME, though. It’s as if I’m saying goodbye to my right arm. Something I count on everyday. I’ll have to learn how to live without a great big part of what I’ve considered as my own. She’s not just “mine”, now. She belongs to herself. She gets to share herself with who she chooses to. Of course, I know she will always love her mama. I don’t get to keep her to myself, anymore, though. I can’t build a protective bubble, to keep her happy and safe, now. She’s going to go out and experience the world, for herself. I know all too well how cruel it can be, and I suppose that’s part of what I fear. I admire her pure and sweet and generous and kind soul. I can’t stand the thought of anyone ever taking advantage of my girl. I’m going to have to trust that I’ve done enough. Enough to help to guide her on a path that keeps her safe and strong. Deep down, I know how incredibly capable she is. She’s my shining star. One of my most prized accomplishments. I celebrate all her successes, more than I would my very own. I also hurt more, when she’s been harmed, than if it had been myself. I feel all of it, more powerfully than any joy or sorrow I’ve experienced by myself. I so wish I could continue to shield her from the things I so fear. I have to trust that I’ve helped her to build her own defenses against the evil out there, now. Being my children’s mama has been my life’s pride and joy. It’s all I ever can remember wanting, since I was a child myself. My little Mikayla, is grown up. The baby who was born 5 weeks too early, but strong as hell. The baby I used to call a “muppet”, because the long dark hair she was born with would stand straight up. God, was she cute. Now, she’s a beautiful woman. I look at her and can’t help but think to myself, I made that, and swell with more pride than I knew was possible.

This is my Sunday. Enjoying this perfect day, while also desperately trying to avoid noticing the looming cloud that seems to hang over everything. I tell myself, this is not a punishment! This is a reward! Mikayla has grown into a most beautifully amazing “fruit” of all the labor I’ve put in. And, that’s absolutely true. I know this, but I can’t help but feel some sorrow about knowing I will no longer be needed in the ways I have been, for 18 incredible years.

~Kenny Chesney

This morning, Adam went into work for awhile. I slept in. I didn’t get up, until almost 8:00am. I took my time getting out of bed, today. My head feels way better! I don’t even really have a headache, now. After Adam got home, we both took a shower. I put on one of my cute sundresses, and got myself ready. Adam had promised to take me flower shopping, today. Mikayla asked to come with us, so she tagged along. I actually had a lot of fun, picking out flowers with Mikayla and Adam. After we got home, and began to pot our new plants, Mikayla wanted to show me what she’d done in her room. Then, she asked me a question I wasn’t prepared for. She asked me, What will happen to my flowers when I go to college? Who’s going to take care of them? My heart damn near skipped a beat, hearing her say those words out loud, because I hadn’t even considered it. I assured her, someone would look after her plants. It is a very very difficult thing, pondering over the day when my sweet Mikayla isn’t at home. I love her so much! I just can’t imagine life without having her near.

I got flowers to put in all of my outdoor planters. It was so much fun, picking things out! It looks so pretty, around our house, now!

Justin and Adam changed out the brakes, on Mikayla’s car, this afternoon. Well, Mikayla’s boyfriend helped, too.

I made sloppy joes/sloppy nachos, for supper. Justin and Jackie sat out on our deck, with us, and we all talked and laughed for awhile. They just left. We’re all planning to go to church, tomorrow morning. The kids are playing the Nintendo switch, in our living room. Adam and I are just observing the sweet chaos. Not exactly one of our wild, shenanigan filled, kind of Saturdays. A fun one, anyhow, though. I’m feeling tired already. I’m not sure if it’s maybe the result of the bump on my head? I’ve just felt extra sleepy, extra early, the last few days. I miss Adam. He hasn’t been too cuddly, because he’s afraid to bonk my head, in his sleep. I want him next to me. I want his arms around me. I want him inside of me. I seriously miss my husband, despite him being so near me. Happy Saturday, y’all. I intend to spend mine making a very “happy ending” of my own. 😉

We’ll fucking run it off the rails

~Brantley Gilbert

I didn’t mention it, earlier. I wasn’t sure if I should even write about this, because I can’t stand for anyone to ever read my writing and believe my husband is some kind of bully. The other night, after we got out of our shower, I had sort of flipped off Adam. It wasn’t that serious, and he wasn’t even upset. We were mostly just playing around. He sat on the edge of our bathtub, and pulled me over his lap. As he did that, I swung my head up. My head hit the corner of the little half wall that sticks out from beside our bathtub. I hit it hard. Adam pulled me up, into his arms, and kissed the top of my head. Neither of us realized just how much damage I’d just done to myself. I got ready for bed, and felt sooo sleepy. When we laid in bed, I didn’t mean for it to happen at all, but tears just started quietly flowing from my eyes. As they landed on Adam’s chest, he quickly realized I was crying. My head just kept hurting worse and worse, as I laid there. He went and got me an ice pack, and held it in place for me, until I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later, and my head felt like it could explode. Such a feeling of pressure and pain! In the morning, I talked to Adam’s mom. She’s a nurse, so I asked her if I should be worried. She asked me lots of questions. I wouldn’t call it “dizzy”, but it sort of felt like my body was swaying as I stood. I was nauseas, and the right side of my face, around my eye, felt numb. I couldn’t feel myself move my eyebrow up and down, on my right side. Then, my right eye kept twitching uncontrollably. I’ve never experienced anything like that! It turns out, I have a concussion. Instead of my head bruising and swelling outward, it’s gone inward. The swelling is pressing up against a nerve somewhere inside my head, which caused all the symptoms I was having. Unfortunately, there isn’t much that can be done, except for ice, Tylenol, and rest. Rest isn’t exactly easy to come by, with little ones under foot. Yesterday was rough, but today’s been much better! I only have sort of a dull headache in just the front right side of my head now.

Adam has been very grumpy, with himself. He’s been super sweet to me, but he’s a grouch at work. I know this, because I was on the phone with him, yesterday, and he yelled to someone “they can wait two fuckin’ minutes! I’m busy!” Then he starts talking to me and says, “I’m sorry, baby.” So, it sounds like all the guys who had to report to him yesterday, got a very “prickly” Adam. He’s never once talked to me or our kids like that, but I have occasionally observed the way he’s spoken to people at work, when they piss him off. It’s one of the many reasons I’m keenly aware of just how gentle and patient he actually is, with his family.

Anyhow, it was a complete accident. He never in a million years would hurt me. I am not even a tiny bit afraid of my husband. I just decided to go ahead and mention this, here, because I like to be honest about my life. Even the crap. So, here y’all go.

We were here blowin’ out birthday cakes
Ridin’ our bikes, jumpin’ in lakes
Feelin’ butterflies on our first dates
And stealin’ our old man’s beer
We were here back home in the home of the brave
But the brave ain’t home, they’re an ocean away
Doin’ their job and keepin’ us safe
While we were here

We were here sayin’ the Pledge of Allegiance
Repeatin’ those words, not knowin’ their meanin’
Takin’ for granted all our freedoms
In the land of the free
We were here bitchin’ bout minimum wage
Splittin’ ourselves into red and blue states
And still sat down, hot food on the plate
Yeah, while we were here

They were there
Givin’ everything they got
They were there
Some came home in a pinewood box
With those stars and stripes on top

They were there, fightin’ back on the front lines
Strappin’ up their boots before the sunrise
Keepin’ their mamas up all night in fear
They were there in the name of a hometown
Of a last name that was passed down
Every day, every night, every moment we were here
They were there
They were there…

~Granger Smith

I really need to update on my brother, here. He was told he would be deploying, and given just a couple days notice. He was sent to Virginia, for the typical pre deployment training and requirements. At the very last hour, he was spared. For whatever reason, they wound up finding enough National Guard members to deploy, instead. Someone took his place. So, somewhere in the world, there’s a young man in the very spot intended for my brother. I pray for them. As of right now, my brother is back at his base, in Coronado California, resuming his teaching job. I’m so grateful, but also my heart does ache for the family of whoever it was that took his place, instead of him. I can’t say enough how much I wish I could share just how much my brother has done for our country. I wouldn’t dare jeopardize his military career, by doing that, though. Despite his own reservations, about being sent out again, even he carries guilt for whomever it is that took his spot. I have so much admiration and pride, for my brother. He’s an incredibly good man. As much as I insist to him, he’s made more than enough sacrifices, he’s never satisfied that he’s done as much as he could. He hates to see another young person have to go out and do the things he has been asked to do.

As far as my average, ordinary world, it’s a typical Friday. The littles were pretty cute, today. I sent my sister several texts, this morning.

I’ve got the littles napping, now.

Jackie is coming over, in awhile. She’s going to help me finish the graduation invites, for Mikayla. Beyond that, I have no clue what we’ll be up to later. I guess it’s just a mystery. We’ll see?

When I get rich, I’ma still act broke

~Jelly Roll

Today is May first. It’s MAY! The weather is appropriately hot and humid. I made up a whole bunch of May baskets, last night, for the littles to fill up today.

This morning, we went outside to pick some “flowers”. They found dandions and various pretty weeds and wildflowers, to add to our May baskets. We sorted candies into each of the baskets, and loaded them into the wagon. We walked around our neighborhood, and left one on our neighbor’s doorsteps. They littles loved it.

I always did this with my babies, when they were little. I hadn’t done it, for a few years now. It’s funny though, because all the same things I loved to do before, I continue to enjoy. Regardless of our bank account balance, credit scores, or the clothes we wear while we’re making memories, it’s always about the experiences. Some of my favorite memories are from a time when we lived in a house that was too small, with a bank balance that was too low. That isn’t at all what I remember, when I think back, though. It’s the smiles on sweet babies faces, while we’re busy making these memories, that are so precious to me. Youth cannot be bought. I can’t redo my own children’s childhoods. I can’t magically look like I did when I was 22 years old. As I was living those days, my mind was too consumed with worries about the future. What I should’ve spent more time enjoying, are the things I’ll never get back. My own babies aren’t babies, anymore. “Rich” isn’t about money at all. Rich is looking and feeling your best, while you’re giving your beautiful children what seems like such a small and simple thing, like making May baskets. Because, one day, so much faster than you realize, those days are just memories that only live on in your mind.

I do this all the time, where I look at my own babies, and think they’re so grown now! A year or two goes by, and an old picture pops up. I look at it and recognize just how young they really were still. I aim to soak all of it in. I desperately want to make as much as I can of every moment I get to spend with them.

Yesterday, Jackie came by. Her, Mj, and I went to do a little shopping. It was a lot of fun!

Yesterday evening, we all sat out on our deck. Adam, Justin, Jackie, and I. We just talked and laughed and told stories, for awhile. It was a lot of fun, too.

I’m fixing to go hang out with my babies, for awhile, before I need to start supper. My house is clean. The sun is shining. Everybody’s healthy. This is exactly what rich is.

I didn’t know if you knew
So I’m taking this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

~Taylor Swift

I woke up full of energy, today! After Adam left for work, and I got my kiddos off to school, I got a lot done. I put on a cute summer dress, and took the time to make myself look and feel nice. I got the house all clean, before the littles arrived. I’ve had music playing, while I’ve played with the littles. Everyone’s in a great mood.

It’s been back and forth, between clouds and sun, the last couple days. We got some rain, last night, but it’s very warm and humid. I don’t mind, though. I’m so excited for Summer to get here! Tomorrow is May first. I’ve got things to make some May baskets, with the littles, tomorrow. We’ll add some treats and whatever flowers they find to pick from outside, and hand them out to neighbors. I don’t know if people do that much, these days? I always did it with my babies, when they were little, though.

I’ve gotten most of the things we’ll need, for Mikayla’s graduation party, at the end of May. It’s also just over a month now, until our “girls trip”. Jackie, Mikayla, and I get to spend 4 days lounging on the beach, in Alabama. Adam and Justin have already discussed plans for a trip they want to take with Wyatt, when it’s his turn to graduate high school. They’ll get to go on a “guys trip”, then.

I really have nothing to complain about. No heavy worries, weighing me down. I haven’t caused too much trouble, yet (haha)! It’s just another ordinary day, here. I love it.

You’re beautiful, good Lord you’re fucking beautiful…

~Mariah Carey

Yesterday was Mikayla’s senior prom. She looked so beautiful! Their theme was “Gatsby”. She did a great job.

Last night, Jackie had a “sleepover” here. We played cornhole out back, and then her and Mj slept in the basement guest bed.

We’ve had a mostly lazy Sunday, today. Adam’s fixing to grill us some chicken and steaks, for supper. It’s been a wonderfully perfect weekend.

-Oh, I’m newly calibrated
-Oh, shiny and clean
-I’m your recent adaptation
-Time to redifine me

Let the word out – I’ve got to get out
Whoa, I’m feeling better now
Break the news out – I’ve got to get out
Whoa, I’m feeling better now

~Collective Soul

Y’all….I never felt as miserable as I did all week, any of the times I’ve had Covid. I tested negative for Covid, but positive for Influenza A. I haven’t been that sick, since early 2010, when I had H1N1 flu. Even today, I’m not back up to 100%, but I’m so much better, I’m celebrating! I left my house, for the first time in over a week. I ran a few errands, and it felt great just being able to get out. This afternoon, I put music on, and worked on cleaning my house up. I scrubbed all the appliances, the counter tops, and the sink. I cleaned all the floors, the bathrooms, and put away and organized all the things that had been left laying out all week.

My sister sent me a scary message, awhile ago. Her husband, her, and Pj were driving on the interstate, in the Midwest, and a tornado popped up right in front of them.

They had to drive through the grass median, and hurry the opposite direction. They made it to somewhere safe, thank God. They were on their way to where our mother lives. I began to allow myself to ponder whether my mother was alright, then. As fast as these thoughts entered my mind, I had to “change the channel inside my head”, because I’m just not going to let myself go to a place inside my mind that provides the possibility for anymore hurt or sadness to creep into my beautiful life.

It’s just so weird how suddenly, and unexpectedly, these thoughts form. I simply refuse to allow any sad or hurtful thoughts to damage the first great day I’ve had in a good while, though.

Adam should be getting off work here soon. I absolutely insist we have a fun evening. I’ve missed everyone. I’ve missed being able to get shit done. Hell, I’ve missed having the ability to SLEEP well! So, it’s gonna be a good night, because I said so.

~Freak on a Leash

I haven’t done a damn thing, today. I woke up, around 3:00am. My throat hurt in a way I’ve never experienced, before. It felt as if someone had taken a hot knife, and slit my throat. The burning and pain was absolutely miserable. I got up, took some Tylenol, used a throat spray, and drank a glass of very cold water. The combination allowed me to go back to sleep, for awhile. I slept very fitfully, until I finally just got out of bed, this morning. I’ve gone back and forth between feeling freezing cold, and then suddenly finding myself so hot, my shirt becomes drenched in my sweat. This is awful.

I’ve been laying around, in the basement. Both of the dogs insist on staying right by me. I’m sure they’re aware I don’t feel well.

Adam’s also taking good care of me, today. He’s made sure everybody got something to eat, did a load of laundry, and he and the kids pitched in to make sure the house was all cleaned up. This is definitely not how I intended to spend this Sunday. I so hope that tomorrow is better. I can’t take another “sick day”, tomorrow. I have to get my kids up and off to school, and I’ll have the littles. I just have to feel better.

I’m going to get to bed early, tonight. My body always requires rest, when I’m sick. If I don’t allow myself to lay around, and sleep when I need to, it takes so much longer before I finally feel better. This is no fun, at all. ☹️

~Cody Johnson

I suppose I should begin by saying, I’m fine. Everybody’s good. Having said that, we did not make it to Knoxville, on Wednesday. Mikayla had driven over to her high school, “real quick”, Wednesday morning. As I was making my breakfast shake, I got a phone call. It was Mikayla , informing me her car had just died, right at a very popular stoplight. First, I called Adam, and informed him of our situation. Then, I decided to drive over, and see what I could do to help. On my way to where she was, I could see her stranded car…and then, bam, I got into a minor accident. I have never, in my whole life, been in any kind of accident. Until, then. And, it was all my own fault. I was distracted, searching for my stranded daughter, and I didn’t even see it coming. I was able to tell Mikayla what happened, and make my way back home. Then, I had to make a second phone call, to Adam. I never thought he’d be mad at me, but I was expecting some frustration. Surprisingly, he was nothing but understanding and kind. There wasn’t one ounce of upset radiating out of his responses. Justin and Jackie met Mikayla, just as Adam was able to get there. They determined the issue was a very minor one, and fixed it within minutes. After that, everyone made their way back to our house, to examine the damage to my car. Fortunately, it too was very minor. Unfortunately, it was too late to make it to our appointment in Knoxville, to tour the college campus. That had to be cancelled, and rescheduled.

After Adam and Justin left, to get back to work, Jackie and I made mimosas. We still had champagne and orange juice leftover from Easter, and the circumstance just seemed appropriate. As we talked, in my kitchen, Jackie told me that Adam had mentioned he’d had a real bad feeling about our trip. He wasn’t upset at all, that it hadn’t worked out. For whatever reason, he’d been uneasy, so our misfortune didn’t bother him so much. That made me reconsider our morning. Maybe, just maybe, there really was a reason for all of our inconvenience. It could’ve been a blessing in disguise.

Later, that evening, the littles were dropped off. Well, 2 of them. The baby, Emma, was having surgery. She had her trachea removed, on Thursday! I kept the other 2 littles, while she was in the hospital.

We had a water balloon fight, and played outside. Everyone had a great time. And then…we had yet another accident. As I was picking up the baby chair, the tray slid out of position, and the chair fell onto Caroline. It hit her right beside her eye. I felt so incredibly awful. I was struggling not to cry, myself.

I got her an ice pack, gave her some Motrin, and snuggled her. After about an hour, she was back to playing. Kids are just so resilient and tough!

This morning, the littles watched TV with Adam. The baby was discharged from the hospital, and the littles got picked up. I had this afternoon to myself, and it was wonderful!

This evening, Adam grilled pork chops for us. We all sat around the table and teased and laughed about funny family stories. It was great. Now, I’m downstairs watching a movie with my dogs. Adam’s upstairs, watching the kids play on the Nintendo switch. I’m already just about ready for bed. It’s been a very loooong week.

Baby, I love doin’ life with you
You’re everything I wanna wake up to
Give you all of my heart, the moon, and the stars
‘Til my time here on Earth is through
‘Cause I just love, baby, I love doin’ life with you

~Kelsey Hart

It looked awful stormy out, this morning, but it never rained. The clouds passed by us, and the sunshine came out. It’s been hot today!

After the littles left, I ran over to the Publix grocery store, near us. Wyatt was home sick to his stomach, so I picked up some Gatorade and Sprite, for him.

Tomorrow, Jackie and I are taking Mikayla to Knoxville, to tour the college she’ll be attending, this Fall. I won’t have the littles. We’re planning to leave out by 8:00am, so that we have plenty of time to get there, get some lunch somewhere, and find parking. I have a nervous/excited feeling, around this trip. I’m so proud of Mikayla. I’m elated, for her. I’m also, selfishly, a little sad. I’m going to miss the hell out of her. The other day, she called ME her best friend. That made my day! ❤️

Our neighbors just had a new baby boy, yesterday. Tonight, I’m fixing some ziti, for supper. I’m going to make an extra big casserole dish of it, and bring it over to them. I’m also making a bunch of garlic bread, to go with.

I have had more time. Instead of arriving at 5:00am, the littles come around 9:15. That leaves me plenty of time to spend with my kids, while they get ready for school. Once they leave, I still have a couple hours to do stuff around the house. I can make my bed, get myself dressed. I can eat something. I did two loads of laundry, this morning, before they got here. My energy and my mood have been significantly better. I won’t have the littles, over Summer. Which, I’m glad about, if I’m honest. I’m looking forward to hanging out with my kids, and Jackie. We’ve already lined up several fun things to do, over Summer! Adam’s been teasing me that I’m going to be able to find time for trouble, again! I just didn’t even have the time or energy to get into any trouble with him, for a long while. Adam had been asking me to stop saying yes to everybody, all the time. He cares about the littles, too, but he hasn’t been fond of how exhausted and drained I’ve been. He’s so sweet, because he wants me to take time for myself. He says he misses my crafts, and all the shenanigans. Well, I do believe all of that stuff, and more, is right around the corner.

~Cody Johnson

I had the littles, today. They got here around 9:15, this morning. We played and had fun. We ate lunch, and then I laid them down for naps. I had to wake the girls up, when it was time to be picked up. Everybody was real good for me, today!

It’s sooo hot outside, today! I washed all our bedding and towels, and hung them out to dry. Our deck was burning my bare feet, when I went out to grab everything that had dried. I’d hoped to take Oliver for a walk, after the littles left, but I was afraid the pavement would be too hot for his paws. So, I found something for him, and ordered it!

On a completely different topic, I put one of our cameras inside Adam and my closet. I did this, because I’ve had a child keep getting into it and stealing things from the extra snack box I store in there. Every week, I refill our kids’ snack boxes. I put 10 things inside, and that just has to last them one week. So, there’s even some extras. I knew it was Wyatt, sneaking things from my stash, but he wouldn’t admit to it. I busted him, last weekend. Anyhow, this camera also caught Adam, as he was getting dressed for work. My GOSH, my husband is sexy as hell!

It seriously makes me wet, just looking at that! He and Justin have been consistently working out for over a year, now. They’re looking great!

I’m fixing meatball subs, for supper tonight. It’s easy to make, and my family love them. I need to go vacuum the carpets, and finish folding some laundry. It’s been a good, productive day.

We were just talking about all the memories we’ve already made, in the few years we’ve lived in our new house. I remember, when we first moved in, being so excited to make memories here, and for this to feel like home. It wasn’t easy to leave our old home. It was the only one Mj ever knew. It wasn’t a conscious thing, and I couldn’t guess when it actually happened, but this most certainly does feel like home, now. Our kids are doing amazing. I’ve got my favorite people close by. We’re consistently adding new memories to our home. It’s such a happy place to be in. I’m genuinely happy to call this our home.

Six in the mornin’, hands are shakin’
Half ready, half scared to death
Hand me the world, wrapped in a pink blanket
The world falls asleep on my chest

I’m so in love even though we just met
Got no clue what I should do next

We’ll get it wrong, we’ll get it right
Whole lotta tears we both have to cry
You’ll learn to run, I’ll learn to let go
Years’ll go fast, nights’ll go slow
Lord knows the best thing that I’ll ever do
Will be growin’ up raisin’ you

You’ll crawl ’til you run and you’ll run ’til you drive
And your drivin’ will drive us both crazy
Wherever you go and whatever you do
Just know you’ll never not be my baby

~Gabby Barrett

Adam and I went to bed around 10:30pm, last night. We were both awake by 6:30am, but we laid in bed for another hour. It felt so good just to stay in our bed and snuggle, as we listened to the birds singing through our window. The chill of the Spring morning air felt amazing, too. We got up, made our obligatory cups of coffee, and lazily enjoyed the chance to spend a quiet morning slowly waking up. Later, we got dressed, and ready for the trip we’d planned with Justin and Jackie, to Costco. Mikayla, her boyfriend, Wyatt, and Mj were all making a big breakfast, in the kitchen, when we left. We stocked up on the usual items we like to get at Costco, and found a few other things, too. After we had all checked out, everyone was starving. Justin suggested a restaurant, where they served authentic Mexican food. It’s a very unassuming place, but we were not disappointed!

When we got back home, all the kids were in our driveway, helping Mikayla to clean her car. They vacuumed, shampooed, and scrubbed that car inside and out. It looks great! A little while later, Mj came running down the stairs, to find me in the kitchen. She told me, “Mama…I think I started my period.” We’ve had plenty of conversations about the changes her body would go through, so she was very aware this would one day happen. I hugged her tightly, and reminded her how incredible our bodies are, and that this is one of the ways she’s growing up. She started to cry, and complained that it isn’t fair, and she doesn’t want to do this every month! I was reminded of an episode of Roseanne, where her daughter, Darlene had started her period. Darlene was not excited about it, either. She had asked her mom (Roseanne) to name ONE good thing about having periods. Roseanne tells Darlene that she can name three, and gives the names of all her children. So, I told Mj that story, and then she smiled and seemed a little bit more at ease. It’s really emotional, for me, too! My baby is growing up! I’ve watched as her body has seemed to suddenly be morphing into a much more feminine, womanly shape. It’s happening so damn fast, these days.

Tonight, we’re all just hanging around the house. The kids are all upstairs. Adam’s watching TV, in the living room. I came down, to the basement, to sit out on our back patio. It’s perfectly pleasant, outside, this evening. I’m thinking about running myself a bubble bath, so I can shave my legs, and make my skin soft and smelling great. Adam and I didn’t have sex, last night. Both of us were exhausted. I’m feeling very horny, tonight.

Tonight it’s bottoms up (up)
Throw it on down
Rock this quiet little country town and get up
Drop a tailgate on your truck
Find a keg and fill ya cup up
Kick it on back
Pretty little mama looking at ya like that…

~Brantley Gilbert

We haven’t gone out and done fun things like this, in way too long! We do have a lot of things coming up, and last night definitely reminded me how much I love to go make memories like these. I’m so glad we did that!

The concert went much later than expected. It was about 11:30pm, when we finally got out of there. The boys picked us up. We’re not planning to do much of anything, this evening. I know the guys have to be exhausted. Saturday, we’re all making a Costco trip. We’ve also been doing some “Sunday Fundays”. It looks like we’re going to have another beautiful weekend, so I think we’re going to barbecue and hang out for another Sunday Funday.

I’m going to go start making the lasagne for tonight’s supper, and enjoy a quiet Friday night at home.

~Struggle Jennings

It’s been raining nearly non stop here, the last few days! It’s been making it hard to find much motivation at all. Today, Jackie and I hung out. Mikayla’s car had to have a whole new transmission put in it, and that was finally finished. So, we went to the shop it was at. I ended up just paying the shop, and brought her keys home with me. That place is down in a holler. There’s only a very rutted up dirt (currently mud) road to get down to it. I decided not to attempt driving her car up that road, and Adam and Justin are going to go get it tonight, instead. While the boys are doing that, Jackie and I made some very last minute plans. We’re going to a concert! I’m super excited!!

Pictures to follow…

Me and you, and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

~The Turtles

Now, two flags fly above my land that really sum up how I feel
One is the colors that fly high and proud, the red, the white, the blue
The other one’s got a rattlesnake with a simple statement made
“Don’t Tread On Me” is what is says and I’ll take that to my grave

Because this is me
I’m proud to be American and strong in my beliefs
And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again
‘Cause I’ve never needed government to hold my hand
And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again
‘Cause my family’s always fought and died to save this land
And a country boy is all I’ll ever be

~Aaron Lewis feat. George Jones & Charlie Daniels

I actually spent a lot of time in Charlie Daniels park, over in Mt Juliet, TN. I remember climbing the rock wall, and the water park area. There’s lots of sprinklers, with water flowing out of various shapes and kid friendly designs. I brought my kids there, to play, several times. There’s a picnic area. We used to pack a lunch, or buy Subway sandwiches, and sit on picnic tables, in the shaded area. Charlie Daniels died, not too long ago. He was a truly good man.

I haven’t had the littles, the last couple of days. I’m not gonna lie, I’m enjoying this “freedom”. The schedule, with them, will be changing. I’ll have them 2-3 days per week, now. I’m so good with that! Yesterday was busy. My kiddos were home. The school allowed them to leave school early, to watch the eclipse. We stood outside, on the deck, and watched as the sun slowly hid behind our moon. We had a full eclipse, back in (I think) 2017. I stood outside, with my babies, to watch that one, too.

Nature, and space, have such a powerful way of reminding us just how “small” we really are. Not only did we witness an incredible solar eclipse, we had a crazy pop up storm, yesterday evening. Adam and I were out back, just hanging out. The sky began to grow very dark, to our North. You could feel the air changing. The smell of impending rain was obvious. We hurriedly picked up things that needed to be brought inside. As soon as we stepped in the house, the rain came. Then, our phones alerted us to a severe thunderstorm warning in our area. Before we knew it, we had strong winds howling, and carrying the rains sideways. Soon, the hail began to rain down, too. It’s almost beautiful. Despite my fears, it’s hard to ignore the beauty of nature thrusting itself upon us. It’s as if we’re being reminded of our own ignorance. We can’t truly predict our futures. Not with precision, anyway. Or maybe, it’s our insignificance. We are all such a tiny piece of the world, the universe. We’re at the mercy of everything that surrounds us. Things we see, and the things we can’t know are lurking around, waiting to show us who (or what’s) in charge. Readying itself to challenge our naively established belief that we can ever prepare ourselves fully.

I spent today catching up on laundry and housework. It’s rainy here, again. The weather forecast is showing rain, until Friday. It’s humid, and feels warm. The temperatures are only mid 60’s, but the nights don’t cool down much. So, the house is a little stuffy. I actually cut our AC on, on Easter. It was so hot in here! Since we were having company, and going to be cooking a ham and several other things in the oven, all afternoon, I decided it was necessary to cool our house down a little bit. It remained on for a few more days, and then we got cool. It was cold enough, at night, to require the furnace to be cut on, again. Our thermostat has been set to “off”, for several days now. I do turn the fan onto “circulate”, to help move the air through the house. But, neither our furnace, nor the AC, is running.

While I was cleaning up in the kitchen, the song I used for this title played. I thought of Adam. I remembered the way my teenage brain used to completely ignore boys like him. He was one of the guys who never cared to keep up with current trends, or bothered to wear clean boots. His hands were stained in grease, from whatever vehicle he’d been working on. He had a rifle hanging in the back window of his extended cab pickup truck. He just was not “my type”. That is, until he was. Adam won me over. His dirty boots remind me how hard he’s been working. His calloused hands are the reason my own hands are soft and pretty. He puts his family first, always. He’s never selfish. In fact, the only reason he does have some good boots, or new sneakers and joggers for working out, is because I went out and got them for him. He truly doesn’t give a damn about the way he looks, or what he’s wearing, so long as his wife and kids are happy with what we’ve got. Ya know, a very wealthy man could hand his wife a million bucks, and people would be jealous. They’d praise his generosity. If that money is simply a fraction of what he has, it’s nothing to him. Having a man who works as hard as Adam does, and then gives every single dime of his earnings to his family…that means more to me. He sacrifices himself daily, for me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I am so blessed.

I’ve been putting lots of pictures together, intending to make a slideshow video for Mikayla to play at her graduation party, next month. I cannot believe she is about to graduate high school 🥹

I’m so blessed. Looking through these pictures and videos just makes me extra sure of it.

I’ve kinda been overwhelmed, lately. Like, there’s just too much “on my plate”. I’m working to cut down on some of the things that are requiring so much of my time and energy. This is a busy time of year, anyhow. The end of the school year is always crazy. Not to mention, I’ve got a graduation party to plan, this year. I’m very close to having some more of my own time, to be able to spend doing things that I love to do, like write here! I promise, I’ll be back very soon. ❤️

~Breaking Benjamin

There are a handful of my “regulars”, people who often comment on my posts, who I genuinely feel connected to. I’m sharing such intimate details of my own life here, and over time, I gather bits and pieces from my followers comments. I had an older gentleman, “AZpop”, who would comment after every single one of my blog posts. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. I think of him, and worry and wonder what’s happened in his life. There are a few more folks I feel I’ve gotten to know, that I often wonder about as well. For what it’s worth, I wanted to say that you, my readers, mean a whole lot to me. I genuinely hope that everyone is doing well, and I pray for y’all when I’m made aware of your struggles. Paddlefan, Nora, Vickie, Annie, and all who come across my writing here, please know you matter to me. I appreciate all the support and encouragement I’ve received so much. I truly do look forward to hearing from everyone, and enjoy learning about you, your lives, and your opinions. I needed to say this, tonight.

Love, Me

So bum me a cigarette, buy me a beer till i’m happy to be here,
Happy to be here.

~Noah Gundersen

I just don’t have a whole lot to say! It was a pretty good week. I had the littles, of course. It’s been nice weather, so we’ve been outside a lot.

My sister sent me a video of Pj, a couple days ago. She’s getting soooo big!!

Wyatt had a baseball game, this afternoon. There’s some great pictures, from it. He’s been pitching, recently. He’s doing a great job, too!

My dad (Poppy) was in a recent TV episode that came out. I’m so damn proud of him! He’s had several magazine articles written and short pieces done about him, but this was an entire episode dedicated to him and his work. It was so cool! I would love to share more about him here, but I just don’t want to destroy any last semblance of anonymity I have left, with this blog.

I went to the store, this afternoon, to grab a few things we still need for our Easter dinner. Poppy, his girlfriend, Justin and Jackie, Adam, our kids, and me will all be here. A friend of our daughter also asked to come participate in our egg hunt, next Sunday afternoon. Of course, I told her she’s welcome to!

It’s been a quiet weekend. We’re planning to play some badminton, tomorrow afternoon, with the kids. This evening, Adam is watching a movie upstairs, and I’m in the basement, watching TV. We had a big supper. All the kids were here, plus Mikayla’s boyfriend. It was fun, sitting around the table and being silly with everyone. I told Mikayla, a couple days ago, about her graduation present. I didn’t want her to make any plans over the time I’d booked for our trip. So, I informed her. Mikayla, Jackie, and I are going to be staying on Alabama’s Gulf Shores for 4 days. There’s tons of fun stuff to do. Mikayla was super excited about it, too! I’m so happy to have been able to give her a graduation gift that she’s this thrilled about. I went ahead and booked our reservations for shortly after her graduation. We’ll be staying somewhere with a pool, hot tub, a big balcony, a kitchen, and plenty of space for the three of us. We’ll be right by the ocean, too. I can’t wait! Well, maybe I can? Time’s already going way too fast.

Adam and my anniversary is coming up, next Tuesday. That’s the 13th anniversary of our “church wedding”. We were legally married, in secret, April 14, 2009. We were “church married”, in front of our family and friends, March 26, 2011. I truly mean this, I’m more in love with him, after all the years we’ve been together. I’m more attracted to him. I know him better. He knows me better. We’re often able to understand what each other needs and wants, without a word being spoken. I sincerely hope that he feels I’m as good of a wife as I do about him as my husband. I’m pretty certain he’s as crazy about me, as I am about him. While I’m not so naive to believe our marriage won’t require more work than we’ve already invested, I am confident we will be one of the married couples who “makes it”. I imagine us growing old together. We’ve weathered plenty of storms, already. No struggle has ever been so great, that I’ve even considered the possibility of tossing my marriage away. I’m so grateful that I found my very own “Prince Charming”, and he’s all mine.

I’ve been hanging onto my streak of avoiding trouble with Adam. It’s literally been so long, I can’t even remember the last time I was actually in real trouble. Everything has been so happy, and easy. I know it makes for a pretty boring blog, but oh my gosh do I enjoy it!

I also bought tickets for Jackie and I to go to a Nashville “ghost tour and true crime event”, this Summer. I wanted to do something fun with her, in lieu of a “bachelorette party”. She’s a huge true crime fanatic, so I think she’ll love it. I’m excited for all the fun and new adventures to come, but I’m also doing my best to enjoy every moment right now. I just want to soak in the easy, “light” way life feels. Everything is good. My family is good. Everyone is good. What an amazing blessing, to be able to say that.

I could use some back then, right now
’98 Chevy with the tailgate down
Fm only with the gold up loud
Burnin’ up the night
Innocent and wild
I could use a little more wide open
Back when all I wanted was the hand I was holdin’
Livin’ in the moment
With the good time crowd
Makin’ life count
Damn, I could use a little more
Back then, right now

~Tyler Hubbard

This week’s been a fairly typical one. I do have a little bruise on my butt, from a few days ago. Really, Adam and I were just messing around, though. Our shower time shenanigans just led to me playfully slapping Adam, and then him doing the same to my behind. It didn’t even hurt that bad, but I bruise fairly easily. It’s been a great time with my people. This morning, Adam and Wyatt cut down an evergreen tree out in the front of our house. It was just too large for the space it had been put into. It was growing into the house, and we decided it needed to go. Now, we’re going to find something smaller, that fits this space.

Justin came over, and helped my boys load up the remnants of the evergreen tree. They took it away, and went for a stump grinder. Jackie and I went to the store. We got all the stuff for sides, to go with the ribs Adam was grilling later. We all played cornhole, for awhile. Then, while the boys got the grill started, I threw the football with my kids and a few of their friends. We also set up the volleyball net, and decided bad minton would be fun to play. The boys ran to a Dick’s Sporting near us, and grabbed some badminton rackets and birdies, for us. We played badminton until supper was ready. Everything was delicious!

Everyone has gone home, now. I’m just sitting downstairs, watching Sons of Anarchy, (for like the 18th time). My most favorite shows are “I Love Lucy” and “SOA”. Such a crazy contradiction, as far as content goes, but I absolutely love them both.

The weather has been mostly gorgeous. All the trees are blooming. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, last Sunday, for the first time this year. I’m itching to get some flowers to plant, but I feel like I should wait just a little bit longer, so I’m positive there’ll be no more freezing temperatures. We’re almost there, though!

Mikayla got this, in the mail, last week.

My baby is about to “fly” away from our “nest”. She came home from work, a couple nights ago. She walked into my bathroom, while I was getting ready for bed. She asked me for a hug. I looked into her eyes, and saw hurt and sadness in them. I asked her what was the matter?! She started to bawl, and told me it had just hit her, she wouldn’t be able to talk to me everyday like this, much longer. She realized she wouldn’t be here, to eat supper with us all, much longer. She told me she’s afraid. She asked me, “What if I hate it there?” and, “What if I flunk out?!” I reassured her, she most definitely will not flunk out. I told her about my own experience with leaving home, around her age. There are definitely moments that are difficult, but it’s also so much fun. She’s going to grow and learn and become independent. Even so, no matter what, we will always be here for her. And, she can come home and see us all anytime she wants to! In fact, she’d better! Mikayla got into the engineering program. She will be studying to become an aerospace engineer. I find that absolutely incredible! I’m so unbelievably proud of my girl! She’s been busy searching for a dorm roommate, and making a list of the things she’ll be needing. I asked her to start a gift registry, so that we could all pick things she would be able to use, when everyone’s getting her graduation gifts. I’m also thinking of taking her on just a girl’s trip, as a graduation gift from Adam and I. He’s totally on board with the idea, too. So, I think I’m going to plan a fun trip for her and I to take together, before she moves to Knoxville. Even though it’s not that far, it is far enough. It’s far enough to have me worrying. I suppose that’s what every parent likely experiences, when their child goes to college. It’s just a first, for me. I’m so going to miss our daily chats. I’m not going to be able to look out and see her and her friends practicing their color guard flag routine, in our backyard. I won’t have so many extra kids here for supper, most nights. I’m going to miss the hell out of her. But, I’m trying to be strong and brave, because that’s what mothers are supposed to do, isn’t it? I’m also excited for her. I’m proud of her. I’m confident that she will succeed in all the things she’s setting out to do. My girl is a shining star, and she’s about to take all the beautiful light she carries, and share it with the rest of the world. She’ll never not be my baby, but she’s also going to be a whole lot of important things to other people than me. That’s the goal, as a parent. To raise our kids into strong and capable people. For them to arrive at a place where they no longer need their parents. I just hope she never stops wanting to share her life with me, the way she’s always done.

My world is changing. Life is moving forward. The pace seems all too quick, these days, but I’m helpless to change that. My babies are growing up, as I grow older too. I mean it when I say, being their mama is, and always will be, my greatest achievement. I literally beam with pride, when I talk about my babies. As they go out into the world, and show off their amazing abilities, a part of me swells with pride in knowing that I created that amazing person. They’re a part of me, and I’m a part of them. So, everything they do matters to me. Every achievement. Every fear. Every hurt. Every tear. I feel it all deeply. Nobody warned me about this part of motherhood. I’m honestly just “winging it”. I’m doing my very best, and when I look at my babies, I guess I’ve done a pretty good job.

Well hello T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Tell me what in the world
You doin’ A-L-O-N-E
Yeah say “hey” good L-double-O-K-I-N-G
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

~Travis Tritt

Jackie and I got to the hospital, only to learn Biscuit had been sent home. So, we drove to his house. His brother, and his brother’s husband, had just gotten him home. We sat and visited with Biscuit, his brother, his brother in law, and his Mama. They’re all such sweet people! Poor Biscuit was in a lot of pain, and frustrated with his situation, but he was so touched that we showed up for him.

Saturday, Adam helped Justin put a new alternator in his truck. Adam called me, Saturday evening, and asked if I would like to go out to eat with him. I took a shower, did my hair and makeup, and waited for him. When he got home, he showered and got himself ready, and then we went out to eat. Wyatt had had a baseball game, and was passed out in his bed. Mj was spending the night over at Justin and Jackie’s. Mikayla is visiting with her biological dad, for a few days. So, it was just the two of us. It was a lot of fun, spending some time hanging out just me and my husband!

On Sunday, the weather was absolutely gorgeous! Justin and Jackie came over, and we played some cornhole out back. Adam grilled burgers and hotdogs, and we all sat out on the deck. It was a perfect weekend.

Yesterday, I got in a little bit of trouble, with Adam. It’s a long story, but I had overpaid on one of our bills, in January. I hadn’t expected to owe anything again, for awhile. I decided to go ahead and check on that utility bill, yesterday, and discovered that even with my over payment, there was still like $75 left due…and that was due a few days ago. So, it was now late. It was an honest to God mistake! I didn’t have to even tell Adam about it, but I did. Considering I fessed up right away, and he understood how that happened, he wasn’t really upset with me. I’d told him about it, while we showered, last night. When we got out, and were drying ourselves off, he sat on the edge of our bathtub. I gave him my “side eye”, and did my best to talk him out of spanking me. But, he insisted that he had to. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and he had to slowly pry them off of him, so he could move me over his lap. He wasn’t angry with me, but he did give me a few swats that definitely stung. Then, he held onto me awhile, and thanked me for telling him anyway. Despite the fact that it could’ve been much worse, I really hated to get spanked, because I’ve done such a darned great job, for such a long time! I guess I was most frustrated with myself.

When we went to bed, we made love, and Adam kept me wrapped inside his arms all night long. I don’t have the littles this week, until Friday, and it’s my kids Spring Break, so I’ve been able to sleep in. I’m sooo enjoying this little break! I’ve been working on catching up on housework that’s needing done, and hanging out with my babies. As much as I do love the littles that I watch, I’ve missed the time and energy I haven’t had to give to my own family and home. It’s nice to have a little time to “recharge”. Jackie and I are planning to craft, later. It’s been too long, since we’ve had an afternoon to hang out and craft some new things! We picked up an old end table, someone had at the end of their driveway, a couple weeks ago. We need to get that painted and put new knobs on it. It’s so much fun to remake old things into something new and beautiful. Just writing about it has me in the mood to get to work now. I think I’ll give Jackie a call, and see what she’s up to.

You can always put a rain check in his hand 
‘Til you can’t

If you got a chance, take it, take it while you got a chance
If you got a dream, chase it, ’cause a dream won’t chase you back
If you’re gonna love somebody
Hold ’em as long and as strong and as close as you can
‘Til you can’t

~Cody Johnson

I’m having a real hard time, right now, y’all. My friend, Biscuit, isn’t alright. He’s dying. Writing those words, just now, he’s dying, has caused my tears to escape from my eyes. I’ve fought so hard to keep those emotions held inside. When tears threaten to form, I do everything that I can to force those thoughts and feelings away. There’s just something about saying (or even writing) the things I’ve known inside myself, that makes it more real. Admitting it out loud, makes it impossible to ignore the truth. Biscuit’s body is shutting down. He’s in pain, and he’s afraid. Hearing him tell me how scared that he is absolutely breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know what to say, or do. I want to be encouraging. I want to tell him it’s all going to be alright. We know it isn’t true, though. He’s not okay. He’s dying. All the shit he put his body through, when he was younger, is making him pay now. That debt has been called due. Nobody deserves to experience the pain and the sadness, the fear and regrets that he is right now. Well, some people do. But, not him. Biscuit never hurt a soul. He’s a good man. He’s got a great big heart. He’s such an amazing friend to have known.

Jackie and I are about to head over to the hospital he’s at. It’s a selfish motive I have, I suppose. I need to hug him, and tell him I love him. I cannot live with myself if I can’t do that once more. I desperately want him to be certain that he does have people who care. That I’m one of them. That he isn’t alone. That he will be so incredibly missed. All the things we neglect to reassure our loved ones of, until we can’t.

Brave is eighteen wearing army green
Truth is in the words, in red we read
Proud is what you say about where you’re from
Heroes are daddies and mamas are love
Where right is right, and wrong is wrong, yeah we’re
Doing things a little different ’round here

~Riley Green

Mj had a choir contest, and they got first place! She was sooo excited and proud!

Wyatt had his first baseball game, last night, too. He’s getting so grown, and handsome. It makes me teary, just looking at photos like these.

I’ve got the littles, causing mayhem and mischief here, this morning. I’m trying to get some cleaning done, but every time I turn my back, there’s trouble!

We’ve had some gorgeous, Spring fever inducing, weather. I took the littles on a long walk, yesterday. Then, Adam and I took Oliver for a walk, yesterday evening. The warmth and sunshine sure do put me in a good mood! I really don’t have a whole lot else to say. I’m just happy, proud to be at this stage of my life, and grateful for today. If I could only bottle up the joy I feel, during days like these, I swear we’d achieve world peace.

On the dance floor, she had two-three drinks
Now she twerkin’, she throw it out and come back in

When we pull up to the scene, they be filled with jealousy
If a bitch get finicky, she gon’ bring that energy (pop-pop-pop)
I hit her phone with the tea, like, “Bitch, guess what?”

That my best friend, she a real bad bitch…

~Saweetie

We went bowling, last night. I did not bowl very well, at all, but it was fun! Jackie actually did pretty good! The boys weren’t too shabby, either. After we finished a couple games, we decided to migrate over, into the bar area. They had karaoke set up. Jackie was hilarious! She’s so unafraid to go be silly, and make it a great time. We did a little dancing, and she did some karaoke. It was such a fun night!

I shouldn’t have to clarify these things, but due to recent comments, I’m going to. Jackie was really hurt, yesterday, when she read some comments on a blog post she’d made. For anyone wondering, Jackie is working right now. She’s got a job, to help pay for their wedding. I babysit for her sister’s little kids. Not because I feel obligated, but because I choose to. I love these babies! Yes, it’s a lot of work, but I certainly wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t want to. Jackie has given me her blog info. I have the ability to go and read her posts, if I wanted to. I don’t do it, simply because I respect her privacy. I always read the things she shares with me, but she is allowed to have her own space to write. Jackie has every right to her thoughts and feelings. I am not offended by that. She isn’t just some “side kick”, of mine. She isn’t my “costar”. She is her own person, at the beginning of a whole new and beautiful start in her life. Of course, I want to always be a part of her life! But, she isn’t required to consider me in every decision she makes, either. She is a grown up, with her own goals, desires, fears, struggles, annoyances….and she is entitled to all of them! Even if she was frustrated with me, and needed to write about it in her blog, that’s okay. Neither of us are perfect human beings. The friendship, loyalty, trust, and love we have for one another is very very real, though. I care so much about her! It makes me sad, to see her upset. I hate that she’s feeling guilty about sharing her personal thoughts in her own blog. I feel guilty, for encouraging her to begin her blog! Jackie is a beautiful and thoughtful and talented and generous and kind woman. She does do a lot for her sister, too! Things neither of us probably have ever mentioned in our blogs. She isn’t simply my best friend. She’s family. Not because we’re obligated by blood, but because we CHOOSE it to be so.

I realize, I sometimes write out my thoughts and feelings, but can’t possibly include every detail to give context. For example, the post about my frustrations with Adam and our son. I hadn’t mentioned that Adam and I have had several conversations around our son’s attitude and his rude mouth. If I decide to argue, or call Wyatt out, it seems to always lead to an even bigger problem. When Adam does it, Wyatt straightens right up. So, I need Adam’s help. Wyatt’s a teenager full of raging hormones and all the teenage woes. He needs his dad to teach him about being a man. That’s just something I can’t possibly do by myself. My girls have been so much easier, for me. They never sass back to me. They absolutely hate to make any mistakes. If they don’t do well on a test at school, or neglect a chore they were supposed to get done, they wind up beating themselves up about it. It’s almost never even necessary for us to discipline them, because they’re tough on themselves. Wyatt is different. He’s stubborn and he can be a bit arrogant at times. I love him to death, and the truth is, he reminds me so much of myself, at his age. My point is, despite the many many things shared here, there are also so many more that aren’t necessarily written about. It’s impossible to fully put context into a blog post. There’s a lot of history, emotions, and different opinions that go into every single story being told. We’re real people. Our stories are true. They’re incomplete, and told with varying perspectives, but they’re real. It isn’t my job to convince anyone of that, but me and my people all know the truth. I write in this blog because it helps me to process my story. It’s my own online “diary”, and if I’m able to spread some hope, joy, or possibly even some wisdom, that’s a huge bonus! I’m positive Jackie feels the same way about her writing. While we do have a whole lot in common, we’re also like a box of chocolates, as Forest Gump once said. We have our own unique flavors. And, that’s more than okay. It’s necessary. We need the varying energy, ideas, perspectives, strengths, and weaknesses. That’s what makes the relationships we share so strong and powerful. Jackie brings so much light into my world! I hope I’m doing the same for her. We’ve been together for over 2 decades! We’ve written a whole lot of pages in each other’s stories. Life isn’t always easy, or perfect. We aren’t always easy to love, I’m sure. Nothing and nobody will ever convince me that Jackie doesn’t love and care for me in the same ways that I do her, though. We’re “Lucy and Ethel”. Even when we’re mad at each other (which is very rare), we always love each other. There are only a handful of people I genuinely can’t imagine living without, and Jackie’s definitely at the top of that list.

Guess you might say I’m a little intense
I’m on the bright side of being hell-bent
So, take it from me, you’re not the only one
Who can’t see straight (can’t see straight)

If you were ever in doubt
Don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof
Hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed
But you gotta try
And I’m calling out

Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
What’s taking so long?
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Stop stalling, I’m calling out
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
Ain’t nothing wrong
‘Cause I believe you can be whatever
And I agree you can do much better, trust me

~SHINEDOWN

We had so much fun, Saturday evening. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant near us. We came back home, and wound up just sitting around telling stories, laughing and talking.

It was such a shame, after having this great night with everyone, it wound up going bad. Wyatt has had a real bad attitude. Sometimes, he can get way too mouthy and rude. It frustrates the crap out of me! Especially, when he aims his attitude at me. That’s exactly what happened, in the middle of our good time. He said some hurtful things, and worse than that, Adam allowed it to happen. As a result of all that, I was upset. I waited until everyone had left, and Adam and I were climbing into our bed, to let my feelings be known. I called Adam a “pussy”, and eventually told him to just shut up. We went to sleep, after that. The next morning was very quiet. We barely spoke to each other. Eventually, Adam came to talk with me. He apologized for saying nothing, while our son treated me that way. He told me I was just as disrespectful to him [Adam], though, because of the comments I made before bed. While he’s not wrong, I was disrespectful as fuck to Adam, I honestly felt justified, in that moment. It’s such a backwards way to go about things, but I think I honestly do things like that because I know it’ll “wake Adam up”. If I’m willing to cross those lines, something’s wrong. The truth is, he probably did the best thing, immediately after I’d spoken to him that way. He turned over and went to sleep. In the next morning light, though, I almost wanted Adam to punish me for it. Even inside moments like that was, I’m fully aware that I’m saying and doing things I’d normally get my butt whooped for. I also know, in moments like that, he won’t. When I am that angry, and actually justified in my own frustrations, he knows he messed up. This creates a dilemma, in his own mind. How can he punish me, when he has also fucked up? I realized, just yesterday, I believe I push so hard against him, when he’s wrong, because I’m desperately trying to make my Adam come back. I need him to hear me, to understand where I’m coming from. I also so want him to right himself again, asap. I don’t mean to just “kick him when he’s down”. That’s truly not what my intentions are. I feel as if the man in front of me isn’t my husband. My husband wouldn’t let any of this happen. So, if I can find a way to bring him back to me, that’s what I’m going to do. I suppose it’s unfortunate, but saying and doing outrageously disrespectful shit does help to “wake him up”, most always. I do wish to find a better way to handle those kind of situations. I wish Adam wouldn’t let me get away with that shit. At least, I wish that after the “smoke has cleared.” I wouldn’t do that, if it didn’t work. But, it does do the job of grabbing his attention, letting him know I mean it. The worst part is the next day. The next day, Adam’s been knocked down hard, and his confidence is shaken badly. Then, I again just so want to “get him back”, I struggle not to continue to push against him. To keep being defiant and difficult. My quiet hope, so quiet that I hadn’t even recognized this to be the case, until now, is for Adam to stand himself up tall again. I genuinely want him to make it all stop. Even if that means I’m paying consequences for my own actions. I gamble. Either he’ll find his strength and authority, or I’ll “win”. The crazy part is, I don’t want to win. Winning would be getting my husband back. I don’t want to break him. I guess I just know exactly where his weak spots are, and I press against them because I’m hoping that showing them to him will make him better and stronger. That way, we won’t have to do this again. I’m not entirely sure this makes any sense written out here? I do realize how ridiculous it must all seem. Sometimes, I really wish I was capable of picking Adam up, putting him over my knee, and spanking him until he’s sorry. Clearly, that isn’t a possibility. So, I need to find a better way to handle stuff like that. I’m aware the way I can act is the absolute opposite of doing right. But, why does the wrong thing seem to be the best way to accomplish my goal of letting him know I’m serious, and he was wrong?

[…or so]

~Shinedown

This morning, Justin and Jackie came by, and we all made a Costco trip. We just got back home. Jackie went home to take a shower. Then, they’ll be back over here, so we can get ready. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are going out tonight! We’re planning to go eat at a local Mexican restaurant. After that, we’ve made no concrete plans yet, but we’re doing something fun.

It’s cold as hell, today. The last week was gorgeous, but our weather has decided to turn cold, just for the weekend.

I suppose I should update here, on what happened after I decided to inform Adam about the possible issue. The night before last, while we were in the shower, I talked to him. I explained everything, and why I had neglected to tell him about this sooner. I reasoned, there’s nothing we can do to change the outcome anyhow, so there was no need in worrying him with this. At first, he was upset. He can’t stand to think I would keep things from him, because I’m “afraid” of him. He asked me, “Have you EVER told me something, and I’ve just turned into the hulk on you?” The answer is no, of course not! Adam had never once lost his temper with me. As I carefully chose my words, I was able to explain that it isn’t that I am afraid he will lash out at me. I just feel bad for him, when there’s already a lot going on. I feel selfish, dumping more onto him. I asked him, “Don’t you have things that worry you? Things that sometimes keep you up at night, but you see me sleeping peacefully. You think to yourself, she’s got enough going on. I’m not about to burden her with this stupid thing that’s bothering me right now.” At first, he insisted that he tells me everything. I argued, though. I know that’s not true. He’s this big and strong and capable man. He has fears and worries. He has struggles. I know damn well, he doesn’t share all of those with me! When I’m afraid, and I confide in him, he is quick to assure me that everything will be okay. However, I guarantee there are times where he’s also thinking, to himself, how the hell am I going to fix this? Every once in awhile, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, for him. I’m attempting to handle a problem, without asking him to take it on. This conversation immediately softened him. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t even concerned. He said, whatever happens with it, we’ll figure it out just like we always do. He told me he was questioning himself, about what to do with my not sharing this with him. He now understood my intentions clearly, and he was actually touched, knowing I genuinely wanted to help to protect him. However, he was afraid if he let this go, I would take this as permission to continue to leave out information he should know about. I promised him, had this been my mistake, or anything that could be changed or influenced by actions we could’ve taken now, I’d have told him. I hadn’t said or done one darned thing to earn a spanking in nearly half a year. That’s something! In the end, Adam didn’t punish me for this. He did ask me to please not ever feel like I need to keep things from him. He wasn’t angry, though. He knew I truly had the best intentions, and despite this, that I felt guilty about holding onto even the smallest “secret”. I actually debate myself, sometimes. Isn’t it kind of selfish, to have a concern, or a problem, and instantly ask my husband to fix it? Isn’t it selfish, to only share information with him because I don’t want my butt to be sore? I don’t know? There are a lot of questions, like these, that pass through my own thoughts.

When we went to bed, that night, Adam practically ripped off my clothes. He wanted me. I needed him, too. We had the kind of sex that I can still feel in my body the next day. It was amazing.

After all of that, I still managed to find myself in trouble, last night… It was most certainly not intentional, either. I wasn’t attempting to create trouble. It just happened. It wouldn’t be wise to inform Adam of this, but… to be completely honest, the spanking didn’t really hurt. I think he’s been easy on me, because I’ve so obviously been trying hard to avoid trouble. Although I was very nervous, for him to get home from work, after he’d texted me what was coming as a result of my infraction yesterday, it wasn’t nearly as serious as I’d feared. I’d made a mistake. An honest mistake. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a repeat offense. Something I’ve done many times before. But, this time was different. I hadn’t forgotten, or necessarily even procrastinated on this thing I needed to get done. I simply hadn’t prioritized it. There’s been a whole lot happening, and it was on my list of things to do. Unfortunately, I had no idea it mattered when this got taken care of, until I was notified. So, because of my misunderstanding of the urgency to take care of an issue, there were unforeseen consequences. Both for Adam’s wallet, and my behind. Still, I’m able to sit down perfectly fine today 😉

I’m going to go and do my best to make myself pretty, before we go out tonight. I’ve been so looking forward to a night like this one, with my husband, my best friend, and her man. It’s gonna be a great night. I’m going to make sure of it.

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

~Taylor Swift

My babies are growing up so fast, right now. I suppose they’ve been growing at a steady rate, all along, but suddenly…they seem so grown. Wyatt and Mj have added inches, to their heights, this past year. Wyatt’s bigger and stronger than I am, now. His daddy can still take him, though! I was talking to Wyatt, the other day. I told him, when you’re young, your parents are so “old”. Then, one day, you look at them and you think to yourself, my parents aren’t old! And, that’s when you realize you’re getting older, too. Acknowledging the fact that all our lives will have an end, is a tough thing. I know my brother would tease about how, one day, he would be big and strong, and he would be able to win a “wrestling match” against our dad. When the day does come, that it’s obvious you’d be able to “take” your own father, all you’ll wish is for your daddy to be the strong and capable and heroic man you always knew you could count on, growing up. Sure, you could knock him to the ground, but now you wish that weren’t true. You worry about your parents. You pray they can look, feel, and act as “old” as your memories remember them.

We ordered Mikayla’s cap, grown, and tassel, for her upcoming graduation. She’s going to the University of Tennessee, at Knoxville, this Fall. We’re so proud of her! She’s been offered a full scholarship. That kid is the hardest working teenager I’ve ever met. She’s earned this. I remind myself, this is the goal. As a parent, your purpose is to raise up your children. For them to be capable, ready, and willing to spread their own wings, and fly. My babies will forever be my babies, though. I used to love to dance with them. I spent countless hours, dancing in the kitchen, while I held them. When Mikayla was a baby, I listened to a lot of “Michael Buble”, early “Taylor Swift”, and “Kenny Chesney”. I remember the way she smelled. I can still feel her tiny head resting on my shoulder. I would hold her, and dance, and sing, well past the point my arms were aching from holding this small little baby for so long. I remember my own thoughts, please let this moment last just a little longer. Even then, in the middle of the chaos and haze of having new babies, almost no sleep, and the struggles of becoming an adult myself, I was very aware this day would come. Here it is, just over the horizon now. Before I know it, it’ll be my last baby’s turn to grow up. The time will come for her to spread her wings, and begin her own adventure. I’ve pondered thoughts of “what if”. What if, I could go back in time? Could take my babies back to the moments I cherish in my mind. It occurred to me, I’d miss them. I’d miss the people they are, right now. One of the biggest heartaches, of being a parent, is also one of life’s greatest joys. Watching our children show us who they are. They’re their own people. They have their own thoughts, memories, goals, dreams, fears… I guess I’m just hoping they don’t ever stop sharing themselves with me, at least sometimes. I hope they can remember me, their mama, and their hearts swell with the kind of love that mine does, when I think of them. Worrying and wondering about your kids, never stops. As they’re growing up, the worries evolve. Old fears are replaced by new possibilities. But, I can’t keep them safe in the way I used to. Laying on my shoulder, sleeping peacefully, while we danced in the kitchen.

And a lot more action

~Toby Keith

There has been a lot goin’ on, here! Our friend, Biscuit, had a stroke. He’s been in the hospital for a few weeks. He’s improving, and I think he will get through this and do alright, but that was scary. The baby (of the little people I watch here), Emma, was also in the hospital for a few days. She had a scheduled procedure, where they looked inside her airways to determine whether they will need to do reconstructive surgery. It was discovered she will not need to have that done, which is amazing! They have capped her trachea. She is almost exclusively breathing through her mouth and nose! Only when she’s sleeping, do I need to put her trachea “nose” on for her. In mid April, she’s going to have surgery to completely remove her trachea, too! I can’t describe how incredible it is, hearing Emma really talking. She truly is a miracle baby.

Wyatt is starting with Spring baseball training. Mj had a Valentine’s dance, yesterday. Mikayla’s boyfriend took her out, for Valentine’s Day.

Adam went to help a friend replace a part in their vehicle that I can’t name, and don’t have a clue about what it does, except that it took them three days to finally finish that project. He’s been real busy, this week. I’ve been keeping something from him. It’s nothing I did, or didn’t do. It’s just an unfortunate circumstance due to bad timing and unforeseen events. At first, I didn’t say anything because he was having such a good day. I didn’t want to make him worry. I was so enjoying having a fun, quiet evening with him. That was last Thursday… On Friday, Jackie and I were hanging out, talking and laughing. On Saturday, we had company. On Sunday, Adam went to Justin and Jackie’s place, to watch the Super Bowl. I had the other 2 littles here, because Emma was in the hospital. Then, Monday, Tuesday, and yesterday, he was working on that car after he got off work. He was getting home with just enough time to eat some supper, shower, and crawl into bed. Like hell I’m gonna bring up something that’ll stress him out after a long day like these were!!! The thing is, an entire week has now passed. I’m keenly aware of how Adam feels about me keeping things from him. I know he’s going to be upset with me. Not because the issue is my doing, but because I’ve chosen not to share this with him. Stuff like this is so hard for me, though! I genuinely feel like I’m protecting my husband. There’s not a damn thing either of us can do about it, so why dump it on him now? And, when is a good time to do that to him? If he’s had a great day, I don’t want to spoil it. If he’s had a crappy day, I’m not looking to pile more crap on… So, here we are. The thing is, it’s starting to make me feel “heavy”. I’m carrying this by myself, which I can handle. It’s the guilt, over not talking to him about it, that gets to me. Because he’s made it very clear that he does not want me to keep things from him. As much as I know this, I still convince myself that the best thing to do, is hold onto certain things, sometimes, by myself. And, another thing is, there’s a better than not chance that this issue will not even end up mattering at all! It’s very possible it won’t end up changing a thing. So, I can’t decide what to do. Do I tell him about all this crap, despite a complete inability to change anything? I could wait to find out whether it really is a problem at all. Of course, if it is a problem, I would share that with him. If he somehow found out that I’d known about all this though, he would be so upset with me. That’s the risk I’m weighing. I know this is a very vague description I’ve given here, but I don’t want to get into the details. Suffice it to say, it’s an insurance versus contractor issue. Well, possible issue. Our contractor brought it up, last Thursday. If this does become the problem he suggested was possible, although not likely, we’re going to be on the hook for a lot more money out of our pockets. We got our house all fixed up. The damage caused by tornadoes, in December, has been repaired. More than repaired, because we literally put the best roof you can buy on our house this time. Capable of withstanding, I believe, 160 mph winds. With a lifetime (as long as we live here) warranty. Or a 30 year transferable warranty, if we sold our house. Everything looks great! We were so happy with it all! A lot of people around here have had to fight their home insurance companies, since the tornadoes. Ours seemed to be coming through for us, with absolutely no hesitations. I’m hoping they don’t cause us problems now. They probably won’t. So, why am I even stressing it? Anyway, that’s what’s new with me.

Better back down, you’re in my domain
Got the whole crowd screaming out our name
It’s a blowout, it’s a hurricane
It’s over before you know it
Why you shaking, we’re a dynasty
In the making, we’re the royalty
Now we’re breaking down the enemy
Move over for the soldiers

Take a swing, I can take a hit
If we die, it’s fine, we live for this
It’s all for this…

We’re gonna stand on top with our hands in the sky
Gonna raise our cup to the stadium lights
For the glory
For the glory
We celebrate with the city tonight
Hear the hometown cheer, it’s the ultimate high
For the glory
We do it for the glory

~All Good Things featuring Hollywood Undead

Hollywood Undead is one of my favorite bands. Especially when I’m needing to really crank up the music and jam out to a song that helps me to express my frustrations. I’m very frustrated, right now. My brother got a phone call days ago. He’s being sent on his eighth deployment. Well, he’s on it now. He left yesterday morning. He wasn’t supposed to deploy again. He’s done so much, seen too much. He’s 38 years old. He’s just a year from being able to retire from his Navy career! But…our country has decided to call on people just like him, once again. I mentioned this, in my last post, but I’m struggling a lot with all of this now that he’s gone. I’m pissed off!

It’s the most bewildering thing, to me, how my brother can be such contrasting and different people, depending on who it is he’s addressing. I can make him cry. I’ve seen him weak. Yet, he is an incredible badass, too. I’m not sure how much I’m truly “supposed” to say, but he’s a Navy freaking SEAL. He’s been deployed as one of the “Frogmen”. He’s been through training I can’t imagine, let alone the places he’s had to actually use that training in real life situations. He’s a human “lie detector”, which terrifies our sister, because she’s afraid he’ll be able to tell she’s full of it when she insists she’s never smoked pot 😆 I am beyond proud of him. I can’t find the words to even express the admiration and appreciation I have for what he’s been through, sacrificed, done, and seen. The thing is, I’ve also seen what that’s done to him. I’ve witnessed the changes in him. He comes home desperately attempting to convince us that he’s fine. Meanwhile, it’s plainly obvious that he’s not. He won’t talk about most of it. I’ve gotten bits and pieces of stories. They’re enough for me to understand it’s more than I can imagine. When he’s deployed, he exists inside a world that looks nothing like the beautiful happy bubble I live inside. Knowing he’s on his way to this foreign destination, one full of danger and death and destruction, it’s a difficult emotion to describe in words. The best I can say is, I’m frustrated and afraid. My brother is an amazing man, but he’s got scars, both visible and invisible, caused because of the things he’s been asked to do for our country. He barely resembles the boy I grew up with. I only get glimpses of that boy, occasionally. Most of the time, he’s hard, guarded, quiet, and cautious as hell. I see the way he seems to always be watching for something bad to happen. He never truly relaxes. I so want him to be back home again. At the same time, he always says to me that he does this because someone has to. He allows himself to be used like a pawn on a chess board, because he knows someone needs to stand in that place.

I’m so glad he got to be here and spend time with us at Christmas time! I miss him. My heart aches knowing there are new scars about to be made on and inside him. I pray for his safe return, knowing full well what that still means. We’re all thrilled to have him back home, but it’s never quite him. He’s always replaced with a version of the man who left us. He resembles my brother, but isn’t quite the same. How many pieces can be torn from who he is, before we no longer recognize him?

I took up my vocation,
I was called by my nation.
Without hesitation,
My answer I gave.
Now I am not wondering,
The things that I might have been.
No consolation,
To the forgotten brave.

~The Trews Featuring Kid Rock

Jackie’s surgery went very well. She’s been resting, at home. She’s sore, and medicated, but doing pretty good.

Our friend, Biscuit, had a stroke. He’s in the hospital. I’m going to bring the littles, and go visit him, tomorrow. He’s been working so hard to change his life around. He’s staying away from the people and places that tempt him to get back into trouble. He was baptized, just a couple weeks ago. I’m sad for him, this had to happen now. He’s real down about it. I want to go and cheer him up a little bit. Remind him we’re here for him, and he’s not alone.

Our contractors will be here, next Friday, to begin repair work on our house! I’m anxious to get all that done. I’ve been doing a lot of crafting projects, this weekend. I’m working on some Minnie Mouse/Disney themed decorations, for Pj’s bedroom. Pj loves Minnie, so I wanted to make something she would be excited about.

I took down the last of my winter and Christmas themed decor, around the house. I don’t have much for Valentine’s Day, or Saint Patrick’s Day, but I have a lot of Spring and Easter stuff. It’s cool, today, but had been pretty nice out. We’ve slept with our windows open, the last several nights. I’m definitely getting some serious “Spring fever”! We didn’t do much, this weekend. Once Jackie is back to feeling good, we’re looking for fun things to go do. There’s a concert coming up, in April, we’re trying to talk the boys into taking us to. We haven’t gotten out much, lately. I’m getting stir crazy.

I’m sitting downstairs, watching TV, now.

I went to the store, earlier. It felt good to get out, crank up my car stereo, and drive around. There’s still so much tornado damage, around us. So many homes sit empty. Piles of rubble line the ends of people’s driveways.

We also got some more crappy news, this weekend. My brother is being deployed again. He wasn’t supposed to be deployed another time. He’s done 7 deployments, already. They only got the news, Friday. He leaves in one week. I’m not sure whether he truly doesn’t know where he’s going to, or won’t say. All I know, is somewhere in the Middle East. With so much happening around the world, it’s scary. I’m angry and sad, that he has to go. We ask an incredible amount of our service men and women. They, and their families, make tremendous sacrifices. When he’s deployed, anytime my doorbell rings unexpectedly, my heart sinks. My mind races, and I wonder if this is it. Is this the day I open my door to find people standing there, waiting to tell me he won’t be coming home this time. My brother assures me, he’s okay. He insists everything is fine… I know better, though. I play along with him, as if I believe everything he’s telling me, because I know he needs us to.

~Demun Jones

Im sitting at our dining room table, watching the littles nap. The baby sleeps in her crib, in my room, but the other 2 are sleeping in the family room. I usually put the 3 year old upstairs, but Mikayla is home sick today. So, she’s staying upstairs, and we’re attempting to avoid spreading sick germs now.

I went to my doctor, yesterday. I had to load up all three of the littles into car seats, and drive into Nashville. I got an inhaler, steroids, and a cough medicine. I won’t take the cough medicine, because it makes my brain fuzzy, and I don’t like it. The inhaler and steroids are helping, though! I hadn’t had bronchitis for years, but this stupid cold or flu we had really kicked my butt.

We bought Mikayla a new car, a few weeks ago. I think I forgot to mention that. It’s just a 2014 Ford Focus, so nothing “new”. It’s a cute little car, though. Now that she’s got her own wheels again, I get to have my car back. She was pretty excited, when we brought it home for her. We did end up paying for a new car, but she has to get the plates, pay for half of her car insurance, and keep up with maintenance on it. That seems fair enough, I think?

The other night, while Adam and I were in the shower, I rolled my eyes at him. I hadn’t done it in a very long time! He was being so goofy, and I told him it’s like tickling me and insisting I don’t laugh! He smacked my butt a few times, but it didn’t really hurt. We talked about how, things said and done become serious depending on circumstances. If Adam was having a real conversation with me, and I rolled my eyes to him, that would be much worse than doing it while I’m laughing at something silly he’s said. I know we both understand these kind of things. No, I shouldn’t roll my eyes to him at all, but it wasn’t meant in a disrespectful way, and he knew that. While him being consistent matters a lot to me, I’m perfectly capable of understanding when, where, and how I’m being truly disrespectful to my husband.

Jackie is having her surgery, tomorrow! She’s super nervous, which I totally understand. Between 20 and 30 years old, I had 6 surgeries, was also put to sleep to have my wisdom teeth removed, and had 2 endoscopies and a colonoscopy done. If I never have to have another surgery, I’d be more than good with it. Surgery is scary, and it’s no fun knowing you’re going to leave the hospital hurting and feeling crappy for awhile. Jackie and Justin are coming over, this evening. We’re all just going to hang out and help her pass the time between now and tomorrow morning. We all decided, once Jackie is feeling better, we’re making plans to go out and do something. We talked about going to a local place that has ax throwing, cornhole, pool tables, and dart boards. We’re also going to plan a guitar night. It’s been awhile, since we did one of them. Now that the holidays are over, we’re all feeling anxious to get out and do some fun things again. There’s a comedian who I adore, Leeann Morgan. She’s going to be doing a show not far from us, in April. I would love to go watch! Also, once the weather gets nicer, I’m wanting to go see a Monster Jam show. I absolutely love watching those great big trucks drive around the track. I’ve never cared much for tractor pulls, but I’ve always enjoyed demolition derbies and the monster trucks.

I suppose I should go get something done, while the littles are napping. I think I’ve pretty well caught up on all the excitement happening here.

It’s been a long time living this way
Worrying what people say
Feeling like I won’t fit in
But I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
We’re looking for something more
What you’re really looking for
It’s been with you since you were born
Since you were born

You only live once
I’m good with myself
I’m there for my friends
‘Til the very end

I’m good, I’m good, I’m good, I’m good
Living life just like I should
Wouldn’t change it if I could
I’m good, I’m good, I’m good

~The Mowgli’s

What a week it’s been here in Tennessee! The kids were out of school the entire week, due to inclement weather. Adam also stayed home, all week, for the same reason. I had the littles, though. Adam got a touch of this crud I’ve been sick with, but he only felt crappy for a few days. He’s all better now. I am still coughing like crazy. My chest hurts from coughing so hard, for this long. Years ago, I actually cracked one of my ribs from having a nasty cough for several days in a row. I’m paranoid about doing that again. So far, no broken ribs though. Thank gosh. Besides the annoyance of this coughing, I don’t feel too bad.

Last night, Adam and I sat in the basement together. We binge watched a bunch of old episodes of “Roseanne”. Jackie is planning to come over, in a little bit. We’re going to craft for awhile, and just hang out. I haven’t seen her since last Friday! Between this snow and ice, and the sickness going around, we haven’t gotten to spend time together. The roads finally cleared, yesterday afternoon. There’s still some snow, in our yards, and it’s cold as hell, but at least the roads aren’t a concern.

I’m really anxious to get everybody back into our routine again. Monday, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in Nashville. I’m probably going to wind up having to bring all three of the littles along, too. If Jackie is able to work from home, she said she’d watch the 5 and 3 year olds for me, but that’s IF she’s able to work from home. I have to bring the baby with me always, because of her trachea care needs. I recently bought the littles some fun new things. I got them a play grocery cart, along with more play food and dishes. I got them a little wagon, so I can pull them around the neighborhood…if the weather finally decides to warm up again. I also just ordered a new robotic vacuum/mop, for our main floor. I had one, until a couple years ago. It quit working, and I hadn’t replaced it. I decided it would be a worthwhile investment, considering the time and energy I could save myself from having to sweep and mop daily here. It can take care of the day to day messes, leaving me with just a good deep cleaning to do once a week. Wyatt got his hair cut, this morning. I think he looks fresh and handsome, with his new hairdo. Mikayla is hanging out with her friends. It’s her day off from work, so she’s busy spending time with her friends. Adam and I talked about going to eat at the food truck she works at, tomorrow, when she’s working. It’s called Music City Gyros, and they make some darned good food! If y’all are ever in the Nashville area, it’s a great choice for eating out. You get a whole lot of food for your money, too.

I haven’t seriously been in trouble, in months. Last night, Adam was teasing me, and I slightly lifted my middle finger. I tapped it on my leg, as I playfully glared up at him. He noticed. He sat down beside me, pulled me across his lap, and gave me a few swats. Little things like that, are the closest I’ve been to getting a spanking, for a long while. The weather’s been crappy. I’m sick of being sick. All these kids are requiring a whole lot of my energy. Things are good, anyhow. I truly have no complaints. I feel so fortunate. I’m happy inside this place of contentment. I often find myself struggling with, what I call the “winter blues”, this time of year. I’m not, though. I have no need to sit and write out my troubling thoughts. I’m not plagued by emotions related to painful memories that randomly cross into my thoughts. My sister shares her location with me (as I do with her), and I’ve noticed she’s been spending the last few days with our mother. Even so, I can’t say I’m particularly bothered by it. I trust her to keep my privacy guarded from her. I don’t seem to mind the fact that she has a mom, and I don’t. I’m not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing? I just know, it’s how I feel. I’m more than happy with the family I’m surrounded by. I have all the love and support that I need. I don’t require that love come from a person who simply cannot give it to me. There are plenty of people right here, who I never have to ask to be here. They choose to be in my life. For that, I am grateful. I know I’m valuable, to the ones who share themselves with me. I matter to the people around me, and I’m satisfied in that.

Oliver (our dog) just decided it was as good a time as any to vomit on the carpeting. So, I suppose I’m done writing, for now.

~George Strait

I woke up, Saturday morning, sick as hell. I’ve had a horrible headache, body aches, sore throat, with a nasty cough. I’ve also been taking Tylenol every 6 hours, to keep the high fever down. Today, the congestion seems to have settled down into my chest. My fever has finally broken, though. Even with Tylenol, I was running temps over 102 degrees. That was absolutely miserable. I haven’t really gotten to enjoy these snow days, at home.

We did wind up with a lot of snow! Nashville actually broke records. Our average yearly snowfall totals are just over 4 inches. This storm dumped up to 9 inches in some areas! Our kids are still out of school, tomorrow, and Adam isn’t going into work. But, I will have the littles. The roads have cleared enough for us to get them here, and I’m feeling well enough. Today’s the first day I haven’t slept most of the day away, since Friday. Adam took such good care of me, though. He braved the terrible weather, to go out and get some Gatorlyte drinks for me. He and the kids cooked, and cleaned up the kitchen. I laid with my head in his lap, while he put his hand over my forehead, for hours. My head ached something fierce, and having his hand putting some pressure across my forehead helped ease that pain. I almost never wear sweatpants. I own maybe 5-6 pairs of sweatpants, most of which I’ve had for years, but that’s been my attire for several days. Right now, I’m sitting down in our basement, cozy under a blanket, watching an old movie called “Pure Country”. Mj helped me make some scrambled eggs and toast, for supper. Adam warmed up leftover chili, and Wyatt ate some leftover brats. Mikayla is over at Justin and Jackie’s place. We know they let her boyfriend sleep over there, which has been the reason she’s chosen to spend nights there, when there’s no school. I’ve been aware of this, for some time, but Adam just realized it, this weekend. He was not impressed, to say the least. He’s even a little angry at Justin, for allowing her boyfriend to sleep there. It’s tough, because Mikayla is 18 years old, now. She’s always been an incredibly responsible, hard working, driven kid. I suppose I’ve afforded her more freedom, because of that. I think it’s hard for a dad to realize he’s no longer the “man in his little girl’s life”. Adam had set up uno and monopoly games, to play with the kids, before Mikayla told us she was staying over at Justin and Jackie’s. Adam’s feelings were just hurt, since he was looking forward to spending some quality time with the kiddos on these snow days. Teenagers are very selfish creatures. They truly don’t intend to, or realize, the impact their words and actions have on their parents. I know this, because I remember being one myself, what doesn’t seem like all that long ago. As I got older, and became a parent myself, I’ve understood how much of the things I did and said, at that age, could’ve hurt my own family. I am certain that Mikayla will soon enough grow up, and see the same realizations.

I have every intention to get naked with my husband, tonight. It’s been way too long! I sure hope he doesn’t come down with whatever crud I’ve had, now. He’s been so good to me, and he’s such an amazing daddy to all of our babies. I want to love him, that way, tonight. I was recently discussing, with a friend, about the two sexiest things my husband does. One, is when I see him get angry on my behalf. When he stands up for me, even if it means a physical altercation is a possibility. The second, is when he holds a baby. Seeing the way his hands can be so intimidating, hard, and powerful, but also showing me just how gentle, kind, and loving they can be. Jordan Peterson says men should be dangerous, and learn to control it. Joe Rogan mentions about how it’s better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war. I can understand the sense in those statements. As a woman, knowing my husband is capable of being dangerous, while also being certain that will never be directed toward myself, or our children, is immeasurably attractive!

I think I’ll go make myself some of the vanilla cappuccino Adam restocked my cabinets with, for me, and finish this movie I started.

Everybody knows everybody
Everybody calls you friend
You don’t need an invitation
Oh, kick off your shoes, come on in
Yeah, we know how to work and we know how to play
We’re from the country and we like it that way

~Tracy Byrd

It seems like I say this every time I post, but it’s been another super busy couple of weeks here! We made a trip to Kansas, last week. We spent some time with Adam’s family. It was a lot of fun!

We all hung out at the shop, and played pool with some friends. Adam’s brother grilled steaks for everyone. It was so cold there, though!! It snowed, while we were there. Thankfully, it waited to seriously accumulate, until after we’d come back home.

Right after we got home, the littles (small children I look after) got here. We had them all week. By the time I got them to bed, it was time for Adam and I to shower and get ourselves to bed. I actually cried to Adam, the other night, because I felt I was neglecting our babies. I love these little people! It’s just hard to be “spread so thin”. I truly haven’t had even a moment of free time, all week long. They’re with their mama for the weekend. As soon as they left, I vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned all the bathrooms, and put away several loads of folded laundry I hadn’t gotten to yet. I put on some music, and it’s so nice to have a few moments to myself. Mj has a friend over. They’re down in the basement. Wyatt is upstairs, in his room. Mikayla is at work. Adam isn’t home from work, yet, either.

We got another crazy storm, a couple days ago. We had high winds, and it blew the roof up from our backyard shed. It also blew off even more shingles, from our roof. Thankfully, contractors will be here in the next two weeks to put on our new roof, siding, and gutters. They’re calling for possible snow on Sunday night, into Monday. It’s fixing to turn real cold here, too. To be honest, I wouldn’t be opposed to a snow day, Monday. I need to run to the store and make sure we’re stocked up on all our essentials, before the snow blows in. Once we’ve got everything we need, I say bring it on!

Yeah, it’s a Friday night, we circled up
It’s going down ’round these pick up trucks
Yeah, it’s cold cans and Dixie cups
Just out here doin’ what we’ve always done

~Florida Georgia Line

My sister, her husband, and my baby niece (Pj) were all here for the week of Christmas. It was sooo much fun! Adam and I babysat for Pj last Saturday night, while everyone else went out for awhile. We had a blast spending time with our cute little niece. The day before my sister and them arrived, my brother surprised me. I heard a knock on my front door, answered it, and it was my brother standing on the porch! That was such a great surprise!! He spent a few days with us, before he returned to his California home.

Our good friend, Biscuit, was released from jail. He got out just before Christmas. He’s up here visiting us for New Years weekend. He passed out, last night, and Jackie and I decided to have a little bit of fun with him…

I painted his fingernails. We put my bikini on, and took pictures and videos. We used paint to fill in some of his tattoos.

When he woke up, this morning, I heard him ask “What theeee?!” 😂 He thought it was hilarious, though. He even sent a bunch of his buddies the pictures we’d taken.

I know I haven’t written enough, recently. It’s been a time with my family and good friends. I’ve been incredibly busy, but in the best ways! I truly hope everyone reading this has also had as wonderful a Christmas holiday as I did, and wish everyone a very happy new year as well! I still can’t believe it’s going to be 2024?!

~David Lee Murphy

Last night, Jackie and I got one of our Christmas presents. We both loved the same purse, so we now have matching purses. I love it, though! That was a very fun surprise.

Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I went out to eat. I was really surprised how empty the restaurant was. I expected it to be packed full, on a Saturday night, this close to Christmas. There was hardly anyone else in there, though. The waitress told us she thinks a lot of people are displaced by the tornado, and not spending their money going out to eat.

After we finished eating, we drove around awhile. We looked at Christmas lights around the city. We sang along to a bunch of old 90’s country songs.

When we got back home, we all played some games. Justin and Jackie didn’t end their night on a very good note, which made me sad. I won’t get into it, because it’s not really my place to discuss their business. We love them both, and I genuinely just want them to be happy. I’m hoping the light of a new day will help them to solve the issues they’re having. It’s the season of giving. It’s a time for joy, and making memories with your loved ones. I’m determined to make sure that everyone around me has an amazing Christmas. We’ve all had a lot of strain put on us, recently. It can be hard to overlook the stress and anxiety, but there is so much good all around us, if we can only slow down a little bit to take it in.

I’m working on some craft projects I’m making for everyone. I’ve got something for Justin, my brother, and my sister’s husband. They’re similar, but uniquely inspired. All three of those guys were/are military men. So, I’m making something they can hang on their wall to display their coins and ribbons and medals. I sure hope they like them. I’ve also got a wooden height chart, for Pj. We’ve measured her height on the same doorway we’ve kept track of our kids heights. I’m taking those measurements, from Pj, and putting them onto the height chart I’m making, to get it started. I’ve got several little things, like picture frames and personalized decorations, that I’ve made for people. I’m just about finished with everything. Then, it’s time to wrap all these gifts. We “adopted” a handful of children and teens to give Christmas gifts to, also. Mikayla’s friend will be with her family, for Christmas, but since she’s staying with us for a good while, we included her in that handful of kids to find gifts for. I love to give in secret. I prefer not to announce my involvement, when we do things like this. It’s more “magical”, for the receiver, I think. When you suddenly get an unexpected surprise, with no idea who it came from, I believe it helps to teach others to look for beauty and kindness in everyone around them. You never know then, which of the people around you had been your very own “secret Santa”. It could be your neighbor, your teacher, even the grumpy old man at the post office. So, you’re more likely to take a moment to smile, and to spread love. And, that’s a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Saturday, after we emerged from our basement, I heard what I thought was several car alarms blaring. It turns out, it was the smoke alarms, from a complex just down the road from our culdesac. It was eerie, when I saw this video, because I recognized the sounds exactly as I’d heard them, just a few days earlier.

The next video shows arial footage our neighborhood, and the extent of the damage around us.

We had our home inspected for damages, yesterday. Our roof is in very bad shape. The tornado winds and hail ripped more than just shingles off. There are spots where even the wood underneath was torn from our roof, and is merely covered by a few flapping shingles left behind. Our shed, behind our house, lost a chunk of one side. Our gutters and downspouts are dinged up. Our trampoline enclosure was damaged. There’s a spot on the side of our house where some siding was ripped off. A few of our window screens were torn and pulled apart. Our insurance adjuster will be coming out to assess the damages in the next few days. Then, we’ll begin the process of replacing and repairing our home. While I’m not thrilled about any of this stuff, I’m truly unbothered by it. What haunts me, is just how close we were to losing absolutely everything, or worse, losing someone. It makes me sad every time I leave our house, and have to drive past all of the empty pieces of what was people’s homes just days ago. I’m trying to go on about our “normal” lives, but the reminders of devastation loom heavy, and all around me.

We put together a big box of things to donate. We’re also working on putting together some Christmas presents to give to children who need them. Our community is incredible. People line up to volunteer. Restaurants are serving free meals to anyone in need. Businesses are donating clothes, groceries, toiletries, and money. People are helping one another to gather the leftover belongings, and to clear debris. There is so much hope and love being poured out. I hate that this happened, but also have no doubt that everyone will be taken care of. It’s beautiful, seeing the good that can be found in tragedy. Everywhere I go, people have been more courteous, more kind, than even before. And, this is a pretty friendly place to live already!

I’m making us some chicken for supper, tonight. I’ve been happily cooking and baking, since we were able to “move” back home. The kids decorated sugar cookies, yesterday. I’m going to make some homemade candies, this weekend.

It’s been a heck of a long while now, since I’ve found myself in any kind of trouble with Adam. I’m not going to go looking for that, but I am sure missing the playful banter that we typically share. Hopefully very soon, that too will resume. I haven’t been my silly self, either. I almost feel like I’m missing myself, too.

~Ashley McBryde

Yesterday, I got the sweetest birthday card from my daughter, Mikayla.

She also got me a new angel tree topper. The old one we’d had for years, fell apart a couple years ago. I’d just been using a star, instead. She knows I love the angel tree toppers, though, so she got me a new one. That was so incredibly thoughtful! She included a great big pack of my favorite candy, Reeces peanut butter cups, as well.

Mikayla’s boyfriend gave me this beautiful poinsettia plant, too!

I also received a late birthday present, at 9:03 this morning. Our power cut back on! I stood in my kitchen, with tears in my eyes, celebrating the relief that this is finally over…for us. For many families, getting back to normal will take months, or more. For some, their lives will never look the same. I know how blessed I am. I’m very grateful for everything I have. Something as simple as electricity means more than we consider, until it’s gone. Mikayla’s good friend, and her parents, lost their home to the tornado. They lived only a few blocks away from us. They were staying in a hotel, but their reservations have expired, and there are absolutely no available rooms around here, right now. We invited them to stay with us, until they can get into a temporary rental place. Their insurance has already compensated them for the costs of renting another home, and moving whats left of their possessions. However, finding a rental home takes some time. I truly want to do as much as I can, for all of our neighbors who weren’t as fortunate as we were. I’ve seen lots of people volunteering their time, talents, and offering anything they can to help. We’re often bombarded with news reports of people looting, stealing, and scamming. What we’re not often told about, is the thousands of people out here spreading kindness and compassion. The people giving with joyful hearts. These people don’t expect to be noticed. That’s not why they do it. I see them, though. The good deeds outweigh any evil among us, beyond measure. This community has a beautiful spirit, and I’m proud to be a part of it.

~Lifehouse

I took some video of our area, yesterday, while Jackie and I were out. It’s truly hard to comprehend the sheer magnitude of devastation all around us. I battle my own feelings of guilt, because I can’t understand why or how I’ve always managed to be one of the “lucky ones”. I’m no better than my neighbors. I’m no more important. I’m not special. It’s so random, and cruel, the way Mother Nature can indiscriminately destroy homes and businesses. It’s beyond unfair, to think of the lives lost, in a matter of seconds. It hit me, yesterday, as I realized it was just about to be 24 hours since we’d been struck with these tornado outbreaks… There were families who were losing loved ones, losing all their possessions, their homes, their businesses, at that very moment just 24 hours earlier. Two of the deaths were children. A 10 year old, and a 2 year old. The others were adults. There are people who probably had Christmas gifts stashed away somewhere, meant for those who were taken, that will never get to be opened by them. There are hundreds of families who no longer have a home to celebrate the holidays in. There are still tens of thousands of families without power. It’s cold as hell outside. Again, I’m one of the fortunate ones, because I not only have a warm place to go wait out this chaos, but we also have a generator to power some electric heaters inside our home, keeping it warm enough for our pets and to protect our pipes.

Adam and I slept in our bed, last night. We had two dogs and two cats curled up on and around us. It was plenty cozy. It’s not “warm”, inside, but I’ve had the generator off for several hours and the inside temperature is holding steady at 58 degrees. Our kids slept at Justin and Jackie’s place. Adam went into work, this morning. I’m fixing to head over to Justin and Jackie’s, so I can get something to eat and check on my kiddos. I’m holding out hope that our power might still come back on, sometime today. It’s hard to venture a guess on how much longer we will have to wait, though.

It’s my birthday, today. I’ve got no cause to complain at all. I have all of my people, safe and sound. I still have my home, my pets, and my health. It’s not exactly how I imagined spending my birthday, this year, but that’s okay. I have many blessings to count, today. The sun is shining. It’s only just about at freezing temperatures, outside, but the sunshine is nice. I’m going to go make myself and my babies something to eat, in Jackie’s kitchen. Although I’m grateful for the gracious hosts they’ve been to us all, I am so anxious to be able to get everyone back home, and back to our “normal” again. In the meantime, I’ll continue to celebrate the enormous, yet undeserved, gifts I’ve been given. All of the people and things that matter to me are still here, and that’s the best birthday present I could’ve ever asked for. I really need to remember to appreciate all of the gifts I regularly take for granted. My family and friends. My health. My home. These things that I forget to appreciate as often as I should. They are what truly ever matters. The gifts I’ve got stashed away, for my family, mean nothing without the family I’m blessed to give them to. Miracles happen all around us, everyday. It’s just too easy to ignore them, because we grow to simply expect them. We assume we will lay our head down on our own pillows tonight, next to someone we love. We assume we’ll hug our babies again. We assume we’ll all wake up, when the next morning comes. For every single one of us, there will come a day that all changes, though. We can’t predict when, or how. We can’t know why. All we can do, is appreciate this moment, right now.