~Jelly Roll, with Brantley Gilbert & Struggle Jennings

That’s one of the songs on Jelly’s new album. It’s title, Whitsitt Chapel, is the name of an old Baptist church he attended, in Antioch Tennessee. Anyone who knows Nashville, knows Antioch ain’t a place you go and mess around.

We have had such a great time, the last few days. Saturday, we went and swam in Poppy’s pool.

After swimming, we went and got pizza, and came back home. Jackie and Justin sat outside, with us, until about midnight. Sunday, we all went to church. Jackie and Justin went home, and Adam, the kids, and I spent a lazy Sunday afternoon, at home. I cut Adam’s hair. Made pulled chicken sandwiches, for supper. We all went to bed early, Sunday night.

Yesterday evening, Jackie, Justin, Adam, and I went to the baseball game. The Nashville Sounds hosted an event, to benefit veterans and first responders. The baseball teams were made up of musicians, athletes, and some members of the military and first responders. Jelly, Struggle, and Brantley were among them. There were several other artists. Those are just my favorites. I rooted for military team, to win, but it was all in fun. Military did win, though!

Adam’s fixing to head home, from work. He’s going to go work out, with Justin, before supper. I’m tired! We’ve had a lot going on. I love it, though!

Oh, I also got a spanking, last night. We’d had an awesome night. We’d gotten home, gone to bed, and just finished having some great sex. As Adam was putting his boxer shorts back on, he said something, I can’t even remember what?! I flipped him off. I really thought he was turned around, and couldn’t have seen it, but he sure did. He was not amused. He marched over to me, bent me over the side of the bed, and spanked me. I was still naked, when it happened. I’d gotten up, to grab one of his t-shirts to wear to bed. I hadn’t made it to his dresser drawer yet. So, I’ve got a bit of a sore butt, today. Overall, it was still an awesome night. Could’ve done without that part. Otherwise, no regrets!

This is a song title. My dad helped make this one.

I took the kids over to Jackie’s pool, where they live. We got some sunshine, and watched them have fun.

Justin and Adam have been working out together, every evening. Justin and Jackie are coming over, soon. Justin and Adam just have “abs day”, tonight. When they’re finished, they’ll be back here, and we’re all going to hang out.

We’re all going to Poppy’s house, tomorrow afternoon. We’re going to swim, and have fun there. Sunday, after church, Adam and Justin are planning to clean out our garage. We’ve got a whole load of junk, that needs to go to the landfill. Then, Justin is going to store a few totes of their things they aren’t using at their townhouse, in our garage. Monday evening, we have the veterans baseball game, at the Sounds stadium. Mj’s best friend is coming, to stay with us, all of next week. Wyatt’s also got plans to go swimming, with some of his friends, next week. And, I promised the kids I’d take them over to the indoor trampoline park, one day next week. Lots of busy, and tons of fun!

Adam just text me, that he’s heading home. Time to get our weekend started, here!

I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

~James Blunt

It would’ve been Adam’s dad’s birthday, in May. Father’s Day is also coming right up. Last night, I had a bad dream. I was whimpering, in my sleep. I woke up, as Adam rolled over and pulled me into his arms. I don’t even remember what I’d been dreaming? Adam was right there, for me, though. He’s this source of such incredible strength and security, for our family. I’m realizing, he really doesn’t have that, for himself. He doesn’t have the comfort of knowing someone bigger, stronger, wiser, will be there to catch him. He just can’t fall down. The weight of that must be very heavy, especially this time of year.

That’s not to say that I’m not always here for him. I’m not going anywhere. We have different roles, and responsibilities, though. Being the “wife”, is a position I’d never wish to trade, for “husband”.

I texted Adam, a couple weeks ago. I asked him if he ever felt resentful of women. Not in a hateful way. Just, does he ever quietly wish he could switch places with me? I look at my life, and I fully acknowledge, I’m living a simpler existence. My days aren’t as hard. I don’t carry the pressures he does. I’ll have to answer to God, one day, for my own sins. He’ll have to do it, too. When he married me, he vowed to accept responsibility over the family he was creating. That’s a very big commitment to make. He did it, for me. He did it, for our family. He does it every single day, and night. He never lets us down. Even in the middle of the night, when he overhears my bad dreams. He’s there. He’s got me. According to his response to my text, he’s glad to be the man. I’m grateful, that I haven’t made him feel differently.

This was on my mind, today. So, I wanted to write it down.

~Nickelback

I woke up with swollen eyes, from bawling, last night. Jelly’s documentary was amazing. He said some things that hit me hard. I didn’t expect to get so emotional, but boy did I!

Struggle Jennings was also there, with his wife. Jackie and I got to see some of our favorite artists. It was a blast! We made friends with some people around us, and exchanged phone numbers. We’re all going to the Sounds baseball field, next Monday. Adam and Justin got us tickets to an event they’re doing there. Jelly Roll will also be at that one. We’re finding lots of fun Summer activities!

Jackie came over, earlier. She likes to use my Ninja cooker, to steam eggs. She brought a couple dozen eggs, to do here. The best way to hard boil eggs, is steaming them in that cooker. They always come out perfect, and super easy to peel. I’ve got stuff to make Ziti, for supper. I’ve been a little drained, today. It was a blast, last night, but I’m tired! It was after midnight, when I got home. Adam was still up, waiting for me. I expect it’s going to be an early to bed kind of night, for us.

Jackie and I are taking the kids to swim, at Poppy’s, this Friday. Saturday, Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are making a Costco trip, and picking up someone from the airport. We’re definitely keeping busy!

I hung my flags, out on the deck, today.

Tomorrow is already June!? Time really does seem to be flying by. I don’t have much anything serious or deep, to write. I could mention how I saw my sister’s nails were done, after she got back from a trip visiting her mother. I could talk about the way that made me feel, knowing she spent time with someone (our mother) who never wants to spend it with me. I could describe the hurt I feel, about something so small, but I just don’t want to. I’m not in the mood to feel sorry for myself. Things have been going so great. I’m enjoying the happy, and choosing not to let anxiety, or sadness, take over. I’m good.

Ooh baby, ooh baby, proceed with caution
Move baby, move baby, we’re in the darkness
Ooh baby, ooh baby, why I’m so heartless?
Dearly departed, dearly departed

More money more problems no changing that
They pop in when they need you and fade to black
Talking this, talking that but let’s state the facts
So many knives in my back, I can make a map
I woke up and I pray for you man, and I pray for your fam
If a man gets bit for holding a snake in his hand
Who do you blame, the snake or the man?

~Jelly Roll & Struggle Jennings

I have used a bunch of Jelly’s songs as titles, already. This was one I was pretty sure I hadn’t. He’s got a lot of great ones. I just got done taking a shower, and put on a cute dress to wear to his documentary premier, this evening. Jackie and I are heading there around 5:30. Adam and the kids are going to get some pizzas, for supper. I still have to fix my hair and makeup. I’m excited to go out, with Jackie, tonight! We’re going to have a great time.

Besides that, I really don’t have much to write about. My baby niece, Pj, has her first viral infection. Poor baby is feeling awful. She’s got a fever and congestion. She just turned 6 months old, on the 25th. The doctor assured them, it’s just a virus. Still, it’s awful seeing her so miserable!

Everyone, at our house, is doing good. We don’t have much to whine about. Adam told me he was proud of me, last night. I haven’t said, or done anything wrong, in a good while. When I do screw up, and get spanked, I always feel the need to have him make love to me. I want to get that reassurance, in the kind of way only sex can provide me. When it’s been awhile, since I’ve had a sore behind, I get much more aggressive, in our bedroom. I find a confidence that gives me desires I don’t express, when I’m feeling humbled. I want to be on top. I’m willing to tell him exactly what I want him to do to me. Sex becomes more about the physical pleasures, than emotional. Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciate the effect it has on me, emotionally. It’s just a different experience, when I’ve been a “good girl”. I get to be a “bad girl”, in bed. It’s fun.

I’m going to go do my best to make myself cute, for my night out. I need to figure out what I’m doing with my hair. It’s so much work to straighten my curls. I’ll probably just go with my natural curly hair, and do my best to tame it. Pictures from our evening will surely be forthcoming, tomorrow!

Back where I come from
Where I’ll be when it’s said and done
And I’m proud as anyone
That’s where I come from

Some say it’s a backward place
Narrow minds on a narrow wage
But I make it a point to say
That’s where I come from

Back where I come from
I’m an old Tennessean
And I’m proud as anyone
That’s where I come from

It’s a beautiful Summer day, here in Tennessee. The guys are smoking some ribs. We’ve all been swimming in Poppy’s pool. We’re just having a fun family day, thanks to all the men and women we’re honoring on this Memorial Day. I’m truly grateful and blessed to live this life I do. We’re just hanging out, at Poppy’s. Swimming, barbecuing, playing cornhole, and spending time with people we love. It’s perfect.

I started the above, while we were still at Poppy’s house.

It’s been an awesome day, for our “summer kickoff”. It’s officially Summer, now! We’re on our way back home, now. Jackie and I are planning to bring the kids back to Poppy’s soon, to swim again. I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Adam’s truck. He’s “racing”Justin (and Jackie) home. We’ve been swerving in and out of traffic. Men…😆

Jackie and I are going to see the Jellyroll documentary, with him, tomorrow evening. That’s going to be a lot of fun! It’s been a perfectly amazing weekend, here. We’re going to go help Justin unload his smoker, and then head home. Tomorrow is back to the “real world”, for Adam. The kids and I are on Summer break! That will be our first “official” day of our Summer break. I can’t wait for our Summer shenanigans. It’s going to be a great Summer!

Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start and it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
Was the music we danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we’d never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin’ back, it’s just a steppin’ stone
To where we are, where we’ve been
Said we’d do it all again
Remember when

~Alan Jackson

I’m sitting downstairs, watching a documentary about how our country illegally spied on us, following 9/11. Adam and the kids are upstairs, watching a SpongeBob movie. We went to church, this morning. Jackie and Justin rode there with us. When we got back, they went home, and then Adam and Wyatt cut the grass. Mj helped me pull weeds out of the rock bed, in the front of our house. A friend of Adam’s stopped by. We sat on the patio and chatted with him, for awhile. We just ate leftovers, for supper. I got the kitchen cleaned up, made myself some French vanilla cappuccino, and came downstairs. It’s cozy in here.

Tomorrow, we’re going over to Poppy’s house. The kids are excited to swim in his pool. He’s grilling for everybody. It should be a fun afternoon. We’re just having a lazy Sunday evening here, tonight.

Last night, we stayed up way too late. Justin and Jackie hung outside with us. It was a beautiful night, too. Today was much cooler. Only mid 70’s. While we were out back, with Justin and Jackie last night, Jackie had called Justin an “idiot”. She told me she could tell right away, how uncomfortable that made me. It did! I would never say that to Adam! First of all, that’s a level of disrespect that, not even my mouthy self, would consider. Secondly, I can’t imagine the spanking that would follow. I love Jackie, but she really doesn’t show Justin the respect he deserves. He treats her so damn good! I quietly wish like hell he’d stand up to her, sometimes.

I think I’m going to go take a bath. I’ll soak in a warm bubble bath, and get ready for bed. I don’t plan on sleeping, right away, though. I’ll make my skin soft and vanilla scented, with lotion. I’ll put on one of my slinky summer nightgowns. Then, Adam will take it off of me, and I’ll wind up smelling like him. Sounds like the perfect ending to this Sunday.

~Jake Owen

Last night was a lot of fun! We didn’t stay out too late, since Adam had to go into work the next morning. The fajitas were delicious. Jackie and I whooped the boys behinds at cornhole. It was gorgeous outside. Just a perfect Summer weekend kind of night.

I’ve been cleaning, organizing, and decorating. Today, I worked on our basement game room area. I want to hang pictures of the kids in their various sports uniforms, Adam’s college football pictures and jersey, my cheer pictures, and my brother, Justin, and my sister’s husband’s military pictures. I intend to make that whole back wall a family sports themed one. I’ve included some Nashville Preds stuff, and will hang some Husker football things too. It’s fun, figuring out how I want to decorate the space.

Jackie and Justin will be here in about an hour. Adam is snoozing in his chair. We’re going to grill supper, tonight, and then plan to hang outside together. Wyatt’s over at his friend’s house. Mj is mad at me, because I wouldn’t let her go somewhere with no adult supervision, with kids I’ve never met, and not a single parent’s phone number available for me to contact. I’ve had a rule forever, that the kids can’t go anywhere until I’ve met the adults who will be there. That one is non negotiable.

I’m feeling ornery, this evening. I don’t want to cross any lines, but I’m in the mood to get a little rise outta Adam. I guess we’ll just see where this night takes us. 😉

I believe that in years to come
When the mountains have crumbled to dust
And all the oceans have all run dry
And the cars in the street turn to rust

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there

When the rain from the sky don’t fall
And the stars they don’t shine at night
When all the nations have made their wars
And the soldiers have all had their fight

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there

I’ll always love you
No matter what comes in our path
I’ll always need you
Like I have done in the past

So when the days and the nights are joined
And the baby does no longer cry
When man has been to the ocean depth
And reached out his arms for the sky

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there

I’ll always be there
In your ups and in your downs
I’ll even love you if the world stops going ’round

Our love will still be there
Our love will still be there…

~The Shivas

I’ve been hanging out with my kiddos. They had some friends over, earlier. I got laundry done, and cleaned all the floors. Justin and Jackie will be here, in a little while. We’re going to make fajitas for everybody, this evening, and then hang out. Adam has to go into work, tomorrow morning, for a little bit. He’s off Monday, for Memorial Day, though. We’re all going over to Poppy’s house, Monday. We’re going to barbecue and swim. I also got a guitar night scheduled. Everybody teases that I’m the “manager”, because I help facilitate those guitar night get together. We’ve got a “gig” planned, for July 8th, now.

Jackie and I are going to the taping of a documentary on Jellyroll, next Tuesday. We’ll get to watch the whole thing, and then there’s a whole Q & A part, too. That’s going to be a lot of fun!

I haven’t found any trouble, with Adam. We’ve been busy, and happy. No issues to report, right now. My period came exactly on schedule, this month. I just got over it, yesterday. So, last night I was finally able to get my husband back between my legs again. I’d missed him. Oliver ran right into my right ankle and foot, the other day. It’s very swollen and bruised. We aren’t exactly able to perform any gymnastics, in the bedroom, because of it. Still, we made it work. 😉

~Tom Petty

My dad has this title tattooed across his forearm. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers was his most favorite band. He sounds a lot like him, when he sings, too.

We had our annual water balloon fight, this afternoon. It’s become our “Summer kickoff” tradition, for as long as I can remember. Jackie was here, hanging out. Justin came by, when he got off work. Mj attempted to get him, but it didn’t work out too well. When Adam text me he was headed home, she went and hid around the corner, waiting for him. She got him with a couple water balloons. 😊 I have a latex allergy, so I couldn’t throw any of them, but I love watching everybody have fun.

We’re fixing BLT’s for supper, tonight. Jackie went home, to fix supper for her and Justin. She’s coming back here, in awhile. We’re going to drive to the airport, together, at 2:30am. We’ll get back, in an hour or so, and then take a nap. We’re talking about going swimming, tomorrow afternoon. Poppy’s sand filter was having issues, so he had to replace it. He’s hoping to have his pool ready to swim in, by Memorial Day. Jackie’s complex has a pool we can swim in, though. We’re all planning to go to his place, this coming Monday. We’ll swim, barbecue, and hang out.

I’ve got an appointment, Friday after this one. They’re going to run some tests. I’ll have a needle pressed into the lump on my breast, to take a sample of whatever’s inside it. I’m not sure what else they’ll be doing? I’m feeling confident it’s nothing serious, though. The lump has gotten smaller, the last couple days. That makes me feel assured, it’s just a cyst.

Wyatt’s at a Summer baseball practice, already tonight. The chaos never really ends, but I still love Summertime. I so enjoy these days, with my babies. We sometimes go get ice cream, for lunch. We go swimming, and grab a frozen lemonade, from Chick-Fil-A, on our way home. We go hiking, at local caves. We go up to the trampoline park, near us, and jump until our legs our jelly. We find plenty of ways to have fun, together. There aren’t words to describe how much I cherish these days.

I suppose it’s time to get our BLT’s started. I don’t have much else to share, today. It’s just been another beautiful day, with my people. ❤️

~Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

This morning, after I got the kids off to school, I got the whole house picked up, made beds, unloaded the dishwasher, and cleaned up the kitchen. I got myself dressed. I’m feeling real good, today.

Mj had her awards ceremony, last night. She got honor roll, Principal’s list, and a Math award.

Wyatt doesn’t do terrible, in school. He gets mostly A’s and Bs, with occasional C’s thrown in. He just isn’t quite as motivated as his sister, academically. His passion is more in the extra curricular activities. He’s got Summer baseball, beginning tomorrow. His dad was the same way, as a kid. Mj takes after her mama. My lowest grade, when I graduated, was a 104%. It was mostly due to my competitive nature, that I did well in school. I have always had this drive inside me. If one of my friends got a better grade than I did, I would work my butt off, to do best the next time. I know what I’m good at, and what I’m not. The things I can do well at, I make sure I stand out. I suppose that’s exactly how Adam and Wyatt see things. They “show off”, in the things they’re best able to.

Jackie came over, this afternoon. She helped me hang a new sign I got, for the downstairs patio. I love it!

We’re currently on the hunt for more things to decorate the patio walls with. Might have to make another trip thrift shopping?

I’ve got meatloaf in the oven, for supper. I’m making macaroni and cheese, and green bean casserole, to go with. Today was the last day of school, for the kids. They’ve got friends over, and they’re outside playing now. We have a tradition, we’ve had for years. Tomorrow, we will have friends over, and have a water balloon fight. I always buy a bunch of water balloons, for the kids. It is our summer “kick off”. Summer break is finally here! I’m not going to let anything hold us back, from having an amazing one. I absolutely love my summers, with my babies.

Jackie is planning to ride with me, to pick up a friend of ours, from the airport. It’s a ridiculously late flight. We’ll have to leave the house by 2:30am, Thursday morning. She’s going to spend the night here, and stay up with me. Then, we’ll drive over to the airport together. Justin just texted me, being silly.

That’s about all I’ve got, for today. Nothing but joy has been had. That’s my daughter’s middle name. Morgan Joy. That’s where the “Mj” comes from. I had one of those 4D sonograms done, when I was pregnant with her. I have the print off from that. She smiled, in it, from inside my belly. That’s when I told Adam, that I thought “Joy” was a perfect middle name for our baby. He loved it. And, that’s how we came up with our Mj. ❤️

I can’t hide myself
I don’t expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And they don’t care ’bout what you know
It’s not ’bout how you feel
But what you provide inside that home

Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down
You wanna scream but you won’t make a sound Got so much weight that you’ve been holdin’
But won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken
That we can’t cry when life gets hard
Unconditional love’s for women, children and dogs
We know that we just have to play our parts
And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts
As a man, we gotta pave our way
Our only function is to work and slave
There’s no respect for you if you ain’t paid
You’re disregarded as a human and you can’t complain
And if you ever make it up and actually reach that place
And find a woman that you love and give her your last name
You’ll feel the things that you provide is only why she stays
And when you try to explain, you’ll say

I can’t hide myself
I don’t expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And they don’t care ’bout what you know
It’s not ’bout how you feel
But what you provide inside that home

Don’t give up, keep fightin’
As a man, our son is our horizon
And our fathers’ actions play a role and we end up like him
So they can’t let us see them hurt
‘Cause we’ll embody what they do and start a generational curse
No wonder most men are so depressed
All the things that they can’t express
They go to war, get thrown on the shelf
Then go back to war with their mental health
Then grab that bottle and ask for help
Try to pull themselves out of hell
Then fall back down and then realize
That they gon’ have to do it themselves
It’s the circle of life, as a man, you provide
They don’t know what you’re worth ’til the day that you die
And that’s when they start cryin’
Then move on to a man to confide in
That’s why we feel

We can’t hide ourselves
We don’t expect you to understand
We just hope we can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And you don’t care ’bout what we know
It’s not ’bout how we feel
But what we provide inside that home..

~Dax

Dax released this video, about a month ago. The song really hits me. I see my husband, my father, my brother, and so many other amazing men throughout my life. I’m not a man. I can’t ever fully understand their existence, in the way a man does. I do empathize, though. I do recognize they have unique challenges, and experience life differently than I do.

I haven’t said anything here, until now, but I’ve had my own “weight”, I’ve been carrying for several days. I’m so tired of talking about, and making others worry about, my health. It seems like things have been crashing into me. Like waves on a beach, they just keep coming. I’ve been having some discomfort in my left breast. I found a lump, last week. I kept that to myself, until last Wednesday. Adam and I were in the shower, and he noticed I was spending a lot of time touching my own chest. I asked him, “Do you feel this?” I took his hand, and placed it over the spot I’ve felt the lump in. He pulled away, startled. I could see the concern, on his face. Immediately, I shifted my thinking from myself, to him. I can’t stand to give him additional burdens. I wanted to assure him. I explained, it’s almost certainly nothing to stress about. There’s plenty of explanations for things like this.

Our family doctor referred me to a women’s clinic, last Friday. I was told they’d be contacting me, to make an appointment ASAP. I so wanted to have a fun weekend, with my family and friends. When my daughter and I got home, from our appointments, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Adam the whole truth. Instead, I told him the doctor believed it’s just a cyst, and referred me to this other place “for follow up”. That’s not entirely untrue. He did mention, it could be a cyst. He also had enough concern, to refer me to another clinic. I simply played it down, so as to avoid causing additional stress on anyone else. My aunt passed away, after a battle with breast cancer, just months ago. Adam’s lost his dad, and his best friend, to cancer. That word, and the mere idea of it, scares him to death. So, I just cannot put that weight and worry on him, unless (or until) I absolutely have no other choice. There’s still a very good chance, it’s nothing serious. That is the truth.

I got the phone call, earlier today. I’ve been filling out online paperwork, and waiting to find out when exactly I’ll be going in there. It’s lonely, keeping these things to myself. It feels like I’d be so selfish, if I didn’t, though. How much of my bullshit am I really supposed to “dump” on my husband’s shoulders, before it becomes too much? I never want him to hurt. I can’t stand to see the helpless frustration he feels, when there’s nothing he can do to “fix it”. I love my family so much. I want to always be strong, for them. It’s such an awful feeling, being seen as weak, incapable, or as if I must be treated like fragile glass that might break, if anyone puts any weight onto me. I need my husband and family to treat me the same as they always have. I need to know they see me as capable, and able to be the same “me” I’ve always been. We can play cornhole, paint a room in the house, go for walks, talk, and listen. I don’t want pity. No matter what happens, I never want to be seen as anything less than the person they know and can count on. I can take care of the things I need to. I’ve got this. I’ll be just fine, so long as you’re okay. All of this has got me thinking, is this what Dax was speaking about? Holding things inside, because you feel you’re supposed to be useful. Because your self worth is so tied into the value you provide to those you love.

It’s probably nothing, anyway.

~Drive by Lovers

I wanted to add these, yesterday, but I forgot to do it. I’ve had a lot of fun, this week, hanging out with everyone ❤️

I’m sitting in the waiting room, with my daughter. My least favorite thing about going to the doctor, is the waiting. It’s a sterile, chilly room. They always put the shittiest TV show possible, on the screens. No waiting rooms have magazines anymore, since Covid. So, like everyone else here, we just stare at our phones.

I’m anxious to get back home, and start our weekend. Our plans will depend on whether it rains, or not. If it doesn’t, we’ll be outside, playing cornhole, and hanging out. If it does rain, we’ll be inside, playing darts, ping pong, card games, and whatever other stuff we come up with. Either way, it’ll be fun!

Oh my goodness. I’d written all the above, waiting to see the doctor. The appointment took a whopping 10 minutes total. We got back in the car, to head home. Just as we got to moving, down the interstate, traffic slowed to a standstill. At precisely this moment, I received an alert from my news app. I-24 was shut down, due to a tractor trailer fire. It has literally just happened. It took us 3 hours to get home… I was hangry, when we finally walked inside. Adam was already home. We’re having a “fend” night, for supper. I made myself some mozzarella sticks, in the air fryer. The kids wanted spaghettiOs. Those cans of tiny circle shaped pasta, with meatballs. Adam reheated some leftover chicken.

Justin and Jackie will be here soon. Our other friend’s on their way. The sun decided to come back out. So, it looks like we’ll be hanging outside, tonight. I need a beer. It’s been a long day!

A couple days ago, I started to lose my voice. I periodically develop laryngitis, randomly. I’ve been that way, since childhood. I suppose I probably talked and sang too much, over the weekend… I had almost no sound, besides a squeaky, hoarse one, for 2 whole days. Today is much better. Not 100%, but much better!

Jackie and I have been hanging out, most everyday, this week. We worked on some crafting projects, and got my basement guest room painted, finally! I’m sooo happy with the way it turned out!

Tomorrow is Friday, again. I have to take my daughter to a doctor’s appointment. Then, it’s time for our weekend shenanigans. We’re having a couple of friends come here, for the weekend. Justin and Jackie will also be here, of course. It should be a lot of fun. 😊

A couple days ago, I cut my middle finger on tin foil, as I was covering a dish. It was a deep cut. I’d kept a bandage over it, until last night. While Adam and I showered, I removed the bandage. We were playing around, being silly. I asked him if he wanted to see my “wound”? Then, I held up my middle finger to his face. I was, clearly, provoking him. He had just teased me, so I was responding with my middle finger, “not so subtly”. He gave my behind a smack, but that was it. That’s the only infraction I’ve had, for awhile now. We’ve just been having fun, being silly.

It’s been a busy day. The kids have friends over, so the house is a little crazy. I’m just fixing my homemade cheeseburger macaroni, for supper. Adam had to work late, so he’s not even home yet. The kids have only a few more days left, before Summer vacation. It’s almost “officially” Summer time, here. The chaotic fun is my favorite. I will try to do a better job of writing here, in the mornings, once the kids are on their break. It’s just been a whirlwind couple of days. I haven’t had any time, to sit and write out my thoughts. I decided to take these few moments, while I’m cooking supper, to leave an update. I’m good. Everything’s great. Having too much fun keeping busy with the people I love here, is all ❤️

Yesterday, when Justin and Jackie came over, she’d given me a Mother’s Day gift. She also had a card, with a letter she’d written to me, inside. I planned to wait until they’d left, to read it. By the time they went home, I needed to get supper started. I got busy with cooking, cleaning up, getting the kids ready for Monday, and Adam and I needed to take our shower. I had left the card downstairs. This morning, after everybody was gone to work and school, I went down there. I like to clean up things that weren’t put away, and straighten up. I saw the card, sitting on the couch. I sat down to read it. My goodness, I love my best friend. She wrote the most touching things.

When Jackie moved in with Justin, she took a homemade decorative thing that said “EAT”, we’d hung in my dining room. She made me a new one, for Mother’s Day. I love it!

After a very unproductive Sunday, I’ve gotten busy today. I had a lot to do. I needed to get this week’s menu planned, and the groceries I’d be needing. The floors needed swept, vacuumed, and mopped. Bathrooms needed to be cleaned. Bedding needed washed. I’ve gotten all those things accomplished. I’ve got about an hour, before the kids get home from school. I decided to make some brownies. So, I’ve got those baking, now. Jackie text and asked if I’d mind if she stopped by. I told her, of course not! She should be over, soon.

I had a fantastic weekend, with my family. We’re so close to Summer break, for the kids. I can’t wait! We already have lots of fun things planned. Adam and I are great. I think he actually has made progress, helping me to stop rolling my eyes at him. I haven’t done it for days, which is a big deal for me! If I understand, he means it, when he tells me something, I do work to “obey”. He’s definitely working to make sure I understand, when he means it, too. That helps to save us from misunderstandings, hurt feelings, as well as my behind.

It’s been important to me, that we don’t lose our playfulness. Adam and I tease each other. We laugh together. There’s a whole lot of silly, in our relationship. That’s something I love. We’ve had plenty of laughs and sarcasm, the last few days. It can be done, without doing the things he finds disrespectful, it turns out. That makes me happy. I know he feels the same. Progress is being made!

Another summer day, has come and gone away…

~Michael Buble’

I woke up, this morning, and Adam was already up. I got out of bed, and started to walk out of our bedroom, when Adam stopped me. He told me to stay in bed. I could smell breakfast cooking. Adam and the kids made me English muffins with sausage, egg, and cheese. They cut up a bunch of fresh fruit for me, and brought a glass of orange juice, too. I was served breakfast in bed. They even cleaned up all the dishes they dirtied, making breakfast. I also got some pretty flowers, from Adam and the kids.

Jackie and Justin came by, this afternoon. She brought me a homemade gift, and a card. Inside the card, she’d written the most heartfelt and sweet message. I’m so blessed!

It’s hot, today. Between 90 degree temps, and the humidity, the house was growing intolerably warm. I broke down, and we cut on the air conditioning. Justin, Jackie, Adam, the kids, and I sat downstairs. They played some video games, and we all hung out for awhile.

I’m just making chicken strips, fries, and some Kraft Mac and cheese for supper, tonight. It’s been a very quiet, lazy day. We had a great weekend. I haven’t done or said a thing that Adam considers crossing over the line. We’ve just had a lot of fun.

~Niko Moon (Good Time)

Last night, we had a blast playing cornhole outside, with Justin and Jackie. It was a really fun Friday night! The kids played with us, for awhile, and then they went in and turned on a movie. They’re loving the basement space.

We all went to Costco, today. Adam has a Sam’s Club membership, and Justin has a Costco one. We make trips together, so we can all take advantage. We spent way too much money, but it was fun, and we don’t have to buy any meat for a long while now! The kids got an entire meal, eating samples, in the store there. Justin and Jackie are heading over, here soon. We’re going to grill some steaks, brats, and burgers. I imagine we’ll end up getting out the cornhole boards again, later.

It’s just another great weekend, with my favorite people. ❤️

It’s Friday. I got our my bill planner book, and paid or scheduled all the bills I needed to take care of. I’m actually way ahead on our mortgage payments, and I’ve been staying on top of everything. The kids needed more lunch money, for school. The school charges their lunches, if their balance runs out, and then send emails billing what’s owed. I’d forgotten to send lunch money with them, for a few days. Yesterday, Adam saw that I hadn’t gotten that done, and he called me out on it. I had cash ready to go, but it kept escaping my mind. Adam has been asking me to get that done, all week. When he saw that I hadn’t, he told me I’d be getting a spanking. I thought that was excessive, and I didn’t agree with his insistence that it was justified. I didn’t get angry, with him, but I didn’t understand why this was such a big deal, to Adam. When we went into our bedroom, he explained, “It’s like any other bill. You need to be responsible with it. I also asked you specifically to get it taken care of, for days. When I tell you to do something, I expect it to get done.” Hearing Adam lay it out that way, I realized why he felt the way he did. I really didn’t want my butt to be sore. I understood why, though. Honestly, he didn’t spank me nearly as hard as he could’ve. I think he took pity on me, since I’d just gotten a bad one…the worst one. It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t shed any tears.

We had another good shower talk. When Adam and I were fighting, the other night, he’d said something to me that bothered me. In his exasperation, he’d asked me, “What do you want me to do, then? You want me to punch you?” Although I’ve never once been afraid of him hurting me, not ever, that caught me off guard. So, last night, I brought it up. Adam and I have never really had a “boundaries” conversation. He’s never once crossed any of my lines, though. He knows them. Even so, I needed to discuss some of these things. I told Adam, I give no consent for him to punish any part of my body, besides my behind. Sexual things, and parts, are off limits. My face is never to be messed with. He looked at me with such a hurt expression, on his face. I reminded him of what he’d said to me, the other night. He said, “Baby, I would never hurt you. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve never, and would never put my hands on you in anger. If I ever got so angry, that I wanted to hurt you, I would always walk away. I’ve never been that angry, though. I love you. I don’t want you to think I would ever do anything like that. Sex is completely separate from punishments. That’s never going to be something I will do to you, either. I promise you.” Hearing those words, coming directly from my husband’s mouth, that reassured all of my insecurities. We’d had the conversation. We both got to say our peace. I trust what he tells me. We’re good.

This morning, I was wanting to go thrift shopping, with Jackie. I’d texted Adam, to make sure he wouldn’t care.

We found some great stuff! It’s been an awesome day. Justin and Adam are here now, and we’re all just finishing up some pizza. We’re fixing to go downstairs, and play some cornhole. ❤️

Sometimes some girls make it easy on you. Some girls never do…

Jameson Rodgers

Yesterday afternoon, Jackie came over. It was a beautiful, sunny day. We sat outside, and waited for Justin and Adam to get off work. Our new TV had arrived, and I had a few other projects for the boys. They got everything finished, downstairs, and it looks great!

I made a big batch of sloppy joes. We all ate supper, and went out to the patio. Everybody sat out and bullshitted. At 9:00pm, it was time to get the kids to bed, and get Adam and my shower done. Justin and Jackie left. We put kids to bed, and then it was just Adam and me time. I read him my blog post, from both yesterday, and the day before. I felt like explaining my thoughts, from the day he’d messed with our thermostat, would help to give him more of my own perspective. He listened intently, and told me that all made sense, to him. We talked about how he could more easily let me know, when he’s really serious about things. Adam almost never calls me by my name. If he texts or says it out loud, I know he means business. I explained this, and Adam recognized that could be a good way to distinguish between teasing me, versus signaling his seriousness, in any situation. I could tell he’s been pondering over things, and genuinely wanting to prevent another night like the one we’d just experienced.

Adam melts, when I get upset. If I cry, he immediately softens, and wants to understand. If I get angry, and I defy him blatantly, it shakes his confidence. I truly haven’t ever abused this knowledge. I hate crying in front of anyone. I get frustrated with my weak ass self, when I cry! One thing my mama taught me, was to never let them see you cry. If she was angry, and I showed that kind of weakness, it only meant I had shown her exactly how to hurt me most. It gives a perfect insight, into what can be done or said to hurt me. It’s a strange thing, how I can know my tears are actually a weakness, for Adam. But, I can’t untrain my body and brain, from remembering don’t show weakness. The boyfriend I left home for, at 17 years old, was the same as my mom. If he hurt me, and I cried about it, he’d only get angrier. So, I never whip up any “fake tears”, for sympathy. Sometimes, I simply cannot stop them, though. “Puffing up my chest”, and acting “hard” and tough, that is much easier for me to do, when I’m upset. If I’m feeling hurt, or threatened, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they’ve succeeded in doing so. All 5’2” tall, 92 pound me, will step to anyone, if I feel backed into a corner. I honestly realize, Adam knows this too. He understands me on such a deep level. More than anyone, except for maybe Jackie. He knows parts of me that she doesn’t. She probably knows parts that he hasn’t seen, too. When I’ve calmed down, and I see pain in my husband’s eyes, I feel horrible. I know damn well, he doesn’t want to hurt me. He hates to see my tears. He won’t “fight” me, no matter how angry, arrogant, bitchy, mouthy, I get. He isn’t going to harm me. I don’t need to escalate myself to that “fight or flight” level. I think it’s a trigger inside of me that I’m truly not sure I can change? Adam asked me, “Do you know why I spank you?” I think I’d just stared blankly, but he continued, “Because I can get your attention, let you know I’m serious, without actually hurting you.” And, he’s right. I completely agree! I accept it. I appreciate it. I know it’s been a huge benefit, for our marriage, for Adam, and especially, for myself. I’m not an unwilling participant here. I’m not afraid of my husband! My unexpected reactions can stem from things that have nothing to do with anything he’s done to me. I can be frustrated with him, but respond in my old ways, to that frustration. I follow the old script. The one I grew up learning, all those years. I want to “unlearn” those things, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I know I appreciate and love Adam, and all of his patience and understanding, with these things. I couldn’t count how many times he’s dropped everything, to make sure I’m okay. To do his very best to assure me of his love, even if I’ve lost my shit. Even when he’s bringing me into “his office”, there’s a gentleness he never lets go of. He isn’t harsh. He isn’t cruel. He does his utmost, to ensure I understand every why that’s led us here. My God, I have a husband who dearly loves me. Dear readers, please don’t ever mistake what’s essentially just my “diary” here, for a plea for help. I’m human. I need to express myself. I trust my husband, more than any person on this planet. He is the best man I know. I believe he’s the best one in existence, actually.

Last night, I had a wave of exhaustion that hit me hard and fast. I went and snuggled Adam, in his chair, and fell asleep. I woke up, about an hour later, with a horrible stomach ache. I spent the majority of the night tossing and turning, in bed. Adam doesn’t like me to go lay out on the couch, when I can’t sleep. He always says he’d rather I roll around in bed, with him, than go in another room, and do it without him. So, I stayed in our bed, next to Adam, and did my best to sleep through my sickness.

I woke up, this morning, and the nausea and stomach ache were mostly gone. I still felt very sleepy, though. I got the kids up and ready for school, and then I laid on the couch. I turned on an ID channel show. I slept for awhile, and got up around 11:00am. I washed my face, got dressed, and made myself get moving. I made the beds, cleaned the kitchen counters, wiped the appliances down, and put away the clean dishes. I picked Wyatt up, after school. He cleaned his baseball locker out, now that the season has ended. He had a whole bunch of equipment to bring home, so we loaded it into my car. I had this week’s groceries delivered. The kids helped me bring them inside, and put them away. I’m making meatball subs, for supper. I bought pre made meatballs. I’ll just cook them in pasta sauce, and then put them on the sub rolls with some mozzarella cheese. I’ve got a cantaloupe to cut up, too. Meatballs don’t sound particularly appetizing, to me, but the cantaloupe does.

The curtains I ordered, for the basement, arrived. I got them hung in those windows. It’s looking real cute down there! I also have a shelf to set up under where the TV is mounted. Wyatt and Adam will have to put it together. Wyatt loves projects like that. Adam does them, for me, but they’re definitely not exciting for him, the way they are for our son. If I’ve got a loose screw, in a cabinet or a door jam, Wyatt’s always happy to be asked to “fix” it. I’m perfectly capable of most the little odd jobs, but I get a kick out of seeing the pride in my boy, when he fixes things for his mama. 🙂

It rained pretty hard, most of the morning. The sun came out, after lunch, so now it’s nice out. I haven’t cut on our AC, yet. I have it set to “circulate”, so it cycles on and off to move air through the house. It’s a comfortable 75 degrees, in the house. I always wait for as long as I possibly can, to shut our windows. I love to feel and smell the fresh air, and hear the birds and the bugs outside. My “perfect” temps, are between 75-80 degrees. I have to suck it up all winter, and keep our house set to 68 degrees. Winter nights it’s turned down to 62. Adam gives me summer. I set our AC to 78 degrees. Enough to take humidity out, and keep the house comfortable, but not “cold”. I get to be comfy in the summer. Adam gets the winter. That’s our compromise. We run both the heat and AC, as little as we can stand to, this way.

When your wheelhouse is the land of cotton
The first time you leave it can be strange, it can be shocking

Not everybody drives a truck, not everybody drinks sweet tea
Not everybody owns a gun, wears a ball cap boots and jeans
Not everybody goes to church or watches every NASCAR race
Not everybody knows the words to Ring Of Fire or Amazing Grace

~Brad Paisley

We had a lot of fun, with Justin and Jackie, Friday night. We grilled supper, and sat outside. We played cornhole. It wasn’t a particularly rowdy kind of night, but still a lot of fun.

Yesterday, Jackie helped me clean and rearrange the basement. I hadn’t done anything with it, since she’s moved out. It felt so good to get that done! I hadn’t decorated or arranged the basement, since we’ve moved in here, because that was Jackie’s space. Jackie took the TV that was down there, when she moved. We’d given away another one, when we moved here, so we don’t have one for down there, yet. Adam and I shopped around, and we found one today. It was a great deal, too! Just under $200, for a 50 inch smart tv. That’s a good size, for the space downstairs. We got a TV mount, to hang it on the wall, and I found a cute stand to set up below it. I got curtains coming, from Amazon, too. I’m excited to have everything come together, down there.

Today has been a quiet day, at home. My sister brought Pj over, this afternoon. We played with Pj, and chatted with my sister. Later, a storm blew in. We got some big hail! By the time I grabbed my phone, to take pictures and video, it had slowed down. It was crazy, though!

Other than all that, I don’t have much to write about. I put a boneless pork roast in my crockpot, this morning. I shredded it, and added “sweet baby rays” bbq sauce, and we had pulled pork sandwiches for supper. Adam and I took our shower this morning, so we’re just hanging out, tonight. The kids already got their rooms cleaned up, and their showers taken. It’s only 8:30pm, but I’m about ready for bed! The temps cooled down to 66 degrees, so I’ve got windows open. Cool night air is pouring in, along with the sounds of crickets and bullfrogs. We saw a lightning bug, Friday night! I love all of it. ❤️

My little niece is starting to scoot herself around! The original video was a minute and a half long, but I cut it down so I could share some of it here. She got herself all the way across that little play mat. She’s been trying lots of new baby foods. So far, she loves everything. I got a cute picture of her eating sweet potatoes, this morning, from my sister. Pj also insists on holding her own spoon. This baby is in too big a hurry, to get big! She turned 5 months old, on April 25.

I also had some memories from Oliver, two years ago. My sister sent me a couple of pictures that had come up in her feed.

I haven’t been able to carry him around, for a long time! It’s so much fun, watching those I love grow. I think of it like a really good book. Like one of those you can’t put down. A book you’re engrossed in. You want to know what happens in each forthcoming chapter. I sometimes skim past sentences, even paragraphs, that appear mundane and irrelevant. I want to get to the good parts. The thing is, eventually the pages end. You find yourself having finished the last sentence, and the story is over. I can always go find another good book, but the one I’d been so engrossed in, that story has ended. I want to take the time to “read” all of this story I’m living. I shouldn’t be in a rush to find out what’s next, because I know, one day, the pages will run out.

This evening, Adam is going to be grilling ham steaks I bought, and some brats a neighbor of ours gave to him. I’m making scalloped potatoes, fresh green beans with butter and lemon pepper, and I’ve got a watermelon to cut up. Justin and Jackie are coming over. The rain has been removed from tonight’s forecast, so we’re hoping to be outside. I’m sure we’ll have another fun Friday night. The whole weather forecast is showing very summer like temperatures. My most favorite time of the year is here. I’m going to make the most of it, that I possibly can. I’m also telling myself to slow down, and not “skip over” other seasons, anxious to get to summer. Since I’ve written here consistently, I can easily look back at the last year I’ve had. There are hard days, no doubt. But, wow, there are so many beautiful memories I’ve documented, with my people. I don’t feel it, but I’m a year older than I was last summer. My children are a year older. We all are.

I didn’t intend this to be a sappy or sad post! I’m really just hyper aware of how much I need to settle myself, and enjoy everyday I have. The pages in my story are being written, and I need to read every single word carefully. I need to take my time, and bask in the gift that each new day brings. ❤️

I’m damaged goods, I’m complicated

I sure do know how to tell a lie

Some people say, “I ain’t worth savin'”
Sometimes I think they’re right

‘Cause someone else would’ve walked away
Someone else would’ve never stayed
Sure as hell, someone else would’ve left me
A long, long time ago

Someone else would’ve called my bluff
Saying, “I ain’t even worth their love”
No one else could’ve loved me like you do
Thank God, my someone’s you ❤️

~Aaron Lewis

I knew Adam was feeling sad, last night. This grandma he lost, yesterday, was someone he grew up very close to. I get it. It’s never easy to say “goodbye”. Even when it’s time, it’s painful. When he got home from work, he walked into the kitchen. I stopped what I was doing, walked to him, and hugged him tight. We stood there for awhile, arms wrapped around each other, swaying back and forth together. He stayed in the kitchen, and we just talked about a whole lot of nothing, while I finished cooking our supper. As much as my husband knows me, and works to give me what I need when I need it, I know him too. I can find strength, when he can’t. I find the best ways that I can, to help him through. If he needs to stand there, while we hold onto one another, I’ll stay as long as he needs it. If he needs comfort, I’m here. If he needs to hear some things that might be hard to hear, I’ll say them. We don’t always express our love in the same ways, but I think we give each other what we’re needing. I think we do a pretty good job of being the “someone” we each need. We get it wrong, once in awhile, but we get it right a whole lot more.

We had a good evening, despite the lingering sadness that hung in the air. We teased and laughed a lot, while we all sat at the table and ate our supper. It was one of those days we were reminded to enjoy our precious time, with precious people. That’s exactly what we did, too. Although hurt wasn’t fully healed, joy spoke louder.

It was a beautiful evening, outside. Adam helped me water the flowers, and I showed him all the work Jackie had helped me do. We set up the outdoor spaces up on the deck, and down on the patio. Then, we took our shower. We talked a bunch more. When we finished, it was time to tuck the kids into their beds. After, we brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. Our night ended with the most physically intimate way a couple can express love to one another. Although we do have sex most every night, there’s a different closeness that comes from every touch, sometimes. The way we look into each other’s eyes. The way we speak, move, breathe, and touch. I like a good old fashioned “fuck”, as much as anyone. “Making love” isn’t just another name for that, though. Both kinds of sex have their place and time, but they’re not the same.

Adam called me, this morning, just to chat. He doesn’t do that everyday. I thought that was sweet. As much as he is my “someone”, it means the world to me that, for him, I’m his “someone”.

Today, I got some housework done, and then my sister text me. She asked what I was doing, and wanted to come by. My sister and Pj came over, for awhile. I played with Pj, and talked to my sister. Then, Jackie came over. We scrubbed my outdoor rug clean, and hung it over the fence to dry. It looks real nice down on the patio, now!

I’m fixing cube steaks for supper, tonight. I’ve got them browning, on the stove, and then I’ll put them in a baking dish. I put brown gravy over them, and bake them until they’re tender. I love this supper!

The kids have 14 and 1/2 days left of school, before it’s summer break. We’re getting so close. I’m very ready and anxious, for it to be Summer time.

Adam’s grandma passed away, this afternoon. Although it’s hard to say goodbye, I know she lived a long and beautiful life. She was ready for this chapter to come to its close. So, while we will miss her here, we also celebrate her passing into Heaven. She’s most assuredly thrilled to see those people she’s missed, herself.

Time has a way of speeding up, the more time passes. The older I get, the quicker the years seem to go by. I do try hard to take in everything. To bask in the glory of every moment. Beautiful, sunny days, like today. Today, I got to see some of my favorite people. We shared a lot of laughs. We accomplished some tasks I’ve been wanting to get done. Supper is cooking. My kids are upstairs, playing with friends. Adam should be heading home soon. It’s one of those nothing particularly worth documenting, but nonetheless incredibly special to me, kinds of days. I’ve watched, from our downstairs patio, as the baby robin eggs have hatched, and they’ve grown in their feathers. Soon, their mama is going to push them from their comfy nest, so they can fly. They’ll go on, and begin their own journey. It’s the cycle of life, and I’m watching it. I see it in these little birds. I see it, when loved ones pass away. I see it, in my own children, as they’re growing and planning their futures. This is, after all, God’s design for us. We’re all writing our own pages, in this book called life. Make yours count. ❤️

These last weeks of school are always super busy. Award ceremonies, baseball games, field day, concerts, and end of year testing. This evening, Mj has a choir concert. Wyatt brought home information about a wrestling camp he wants to go to, this summer. It’s a 2 week long camp, like 700 miles away from here. I’m struggling with letting my boy leave for so long, so far from home. I’ve never spent more than a couple days without my kids. He really wants to go, though. It’s not easy letting them “spread their wings”, and begin to take trips from our “nest”.

Adam’s grandma is in her last days of life. We got the phone call that she’d been transferred to the hospital, on Saturday. Today, Adam’s mom told me his grandma is no longer responding to them. Although it’s incredibly difficult to say goodbye, she’s had a long and beautiful life. I’m so sure she’s excited to see her husband and son (Adam’s dad), again. Both life and death are challenges we all have to navigate. It seems, the older we get, the more often we’re faced with these harsh realities. I like to think of death as a new beginning. Not an end, but the start of something new and great. A day in Heaven is like 1000 years on earth, so none of us have to wait for long, to see our loved ones again. That has always comforted me.

When I was having issues with my period and my lady parts, Adam was concerned. He so fears cancer, in those he loves. He watched both his dad, and his best friend lose their battles with cancer, way before it should’ve been their time to leave us. I wasn’t really worried that anything like that was going on, with me. I was more afraid my body was beginning to go through menopause. Although I should be at least a decade from those changes beginning in me, it is possible. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to stop being me. I have such a deep fear, that I could become my mother. I told Adam, I don’t ever want to not want to have sex with you! Symptoms of “the change”, include lower sex drive. Adam held my face in his hands, lifted me so that I was looking into his eyes, and assured me that he would never have sex again, as long as he had me here, with him. I don’t imagine I’ll ever forget that moment, with him, and how loved he made me feel. Mercifully, my hormones are all great, and I just need some extra vitamins. I should be back on track, very soon. No menopause. No cancer. Nothing to stress out about. Me and my people are all healthy and happy. Adam’s grandma is going through a natural part of life, death. I’m grateful she’s not in any pain, and she’s lived out such a full life. She’s surrounded by people who love her. She’s got prayers being poured out for her. I hope that is how my own story goes. Not anytime soon, but one day, when it’s that time in my life.

I’m going to embrace this chaos that is the end of the school year, and soak in all of the memories. I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember to enjoy all of it. To be grateful. To appreciate everyday that I get to spend with these people who make my life so beautifully blessed.

Saturday evening, and into the night, we had a blast. Justin and Jackie ate supper here, with the kids, Adam, and I. Then, the kids put on a movie, and we went downstairs. It had started raining, so we cleared a space in the basement, and brought our cornhole boards inside. I had just gotten new cornhole bags, and for some reason they are leaving this powdery stuff everywhere. The floor was covered in it. It was worth the annoying clean up, though. We had a lot of silly fun.

Sunday, we all went to church. It was beautiful out, when we went in. When we came out, an hour and a half later, temps had dropped by about 25 degrees. It was so chilly! A storm had blown in, bringing heavy rain and winds. By the time we got home (about a 10 minute drive), the sun was shining again, and air was warming back up. It was the strangest thing! After all that, we spent the rest of our Sunday being lazy, at home.

It’s been a busy Monday here, for me. These last weeks of school get super hectic. One of the kids seems to have something going on everyday. A friend of mine had tried to call me, while I was busy doing school activities. When I got home, I returned the phone call. That wound up being over 2 hours I spent, chatting with an old friend. I washed and hung out all our bedding. I brought it inside, and made the beds. I baked some cookies. Then, I made the meatloaf we’re having for supper. I’ve got that in the oven, along with green bean casserole. I’m fixing mashed potatoes, too. Adam’s on his way home. Wyatt’s outside cutting the grass. Mj is pulling weeds from out front of the house. It’s just another day in my paradise. ❤️

I had my appointment, with the OBGYN doc, yesterday. She was awesome. She had my blood drawn, and tested for a bunch of things. I already got results, today. My lady hormones are perfect. My iron was also perfect, which is amazing! I’m not even a little bit anemic. Everything, except my vitamin D levels, was great. My vitamin D was scarily low. I haven’t felt bad, though! Apparently, this can cause period problems. Also, I have an autoimmune disease that makes it harder for my body to absorb nutrients from foods. I just have to take a high dose vitamin D pill, and should get back to good. I was very happy to know what’s going on.

Jackie and I went shopping around, today. I found some cute things, for around the house. I wanted some gerber daisies, for my deck. I found those, and some. We had a fun afternoon!

I’m making beef and noodles, for supper. Then, Justin and Jackie are coming over. We talked about playing cornhole, or maybe ping pong. We’re going to do something fun, anyhow!

That about catches up on all the excitement, here in my world.

I was thinking about this Bud Light controversy. When they decided to sponsor Dylan Mulvaney, of all people, I did take issue with it. Not because Dylan is “trans”. Truthfully, I couldn’t care less about that part. They could’ve put a whole host of other trans people on a can, and it wouldn’t have bothered me a bit. Caitlyn Jenner. Blaire White. Buck Angel! I could roll with any of them, and plenty of other trans folks. The thing is, being a woman isn’t just about what you put on. Many trans women have a deep appreciation for what it is to be a woman. Dylan, on the other hand, literally seems to just want to wear “woman face”. It’s not a costume to put on. The very first video of “days of girlhood” Dylan made, was insulting. Dylan claimed, “First day of being a girl, and I already cried 3 times, for no reason. Told someone I was fine when I wasn’t. And, purchased unnecessary items.” Shortly after, Dylan made a ridiculous video in the woods, “hiking” around in high heels. Appeared to see a “bug”, and proceeded to freak out, scream like a 5 year old, and fell over. Another insult, as far as I was concerned. The final straw, was when Dylan began to publicly advocate for medically and surgically “transitioning” children. There’s a reason kids aren’t allowed to sign a contract. Hell, they can’t even watch a PG movie at school, without a parent’s permission. Child molestation, and statutory rape are crimes, because children cannot consent to sex. They lack the foresight adults gain, through age and time. Their brains are literally not even fully developed yet. Their bodies aren’t, either. I sincerely believe that giving children drugs that alter their bodies, and especially permanent surgeries to do so, is outright evil. What an adult decides to do with their own body is their own choice to make. I’m not ever going to spread any kind of animosity or hate for them. In fact, that’s my whole philosophy…live and let live. I’ll not be convinced that children can grasp the realities of these mind and body altering things we’re experimenting on our bodies with. I have my own babies, who I love more than life itself. That love will never ever change, when they grow up and show me who they are. Regardless of what that looks like. They will get to grow up, though. They will be encouraged, supported, and most assuredly loved, as they develop. They will be given many opportunities. One thing I will not do to them, is change them in any way that can’t be reversed. If they want to color their hair, or cut it, or grow it out, that’s fine. They may wear the things they like to. They can play the games they enjoy. They will be allowed to figure out just who they are, without fear of losing my affection for them.

I am not hateful. I don’t consider myself to be particularly judgmental. We are all allowed to make up our own minds and form opinions. I will always advocate for children. I’m unashamed of my desire to protect them from something that I believe to be absolutely wrong. It’s an adult’s right to decide what’s right, for themselves. A child simply cannot understand the gravity of adult decisions. Anyway, that’s where I stand. And, this is why I do. I come from a place of love and concern. My thoughts aren’t formed from hate or malice. I genuinely believe what I’m saying, to my very core.

On another note, I started my period. This morning, I was very relieved to discover my body had resumed its normal functioning. I am going to an appointment with my OBGYN, on Thursday. Jackie’s even coming with me. Just wanting to make sure everything is good. So, now my family and friends will be able to rest easy, knowing I’m taking the steps to assure everyone that I’m alright. 😊

Yesterday, I decided to take all of our air vents, from around the house, and wash them. I scrubbed them, and even got the return air vent looking like brand new. I’ve tried, several times, with no success. This time, I brought everything out on the deck. I had hot, soapy water, a bottle brush, a nipple brush, and some Gain “power blast” spray. All of that, mixed with a lot of “elbow grease”, got everything cleaned up great! It’s been sunny and beautiful weather, so I’ve been in the mood to find things to deep clean, around the house. I cleaned both our kitchen fridge, and the garage one, inside and out. I had planned to wash the outsides of my washer and dryer, today, but I didn’t wind up getting to it. Maybe tomorrow? I’m fixing to brown some ground beef, and mix in taco seasoning. I’m making fiastadas for supper, tonight. I’m pretty sure I’ve already shared that recipe? Growing up, our school made them for lunch, sometimes. I got my fiastada recipe, and sloppy joe, from the same lady who made them for our lunches.

Justin and Jackie are going to come by here, in a little while. We’re just planning to sit outside, enjoy the weather, and chat about nothing and everything. Jackie and I are also going shopping, this Friday. I want some gerber daisies, for my deck. I’m also hoping to find some summery decor, to put on my fireplace mantle. It’s getting to be time to take the Easter stuff and put it away, til next year. Woohoo, though! Inching closer and closer to summertime! And, that’s about everything I have, for today. Adam’s been kinda treating me like I’m “fragile”, recently. I haven’t done anything to upset him, but he also isn’t teasing me as much as he normally does. When I text him, this morning, I asked him “guess what?”

I’m anxious to get myself back to normal. Whatever that is! 😆

I’m sorry I haven’t updated here. It’s been a busy couple of days. Also, I was not feeling very good, yesterday. I text Jackie, Saturday night. I’d told her I was fixing to take a darned pregnancy test.

Jackie got here right as my delivery driver was bringing me one of those magic sticks to pee on, so I could figure out whether I’d be able to actually drink the beer I’d opened, or not. Y’all, I’ve never taken a negative pregnancy test. Every time I did, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. This amped up my anxiety about whether I’d see one line, or two. Jackie came into my bathroom with me, and read the instructions, while I did my part of the test taking. I put the cap on the little stick, sat it on a paper towel, right on the bathroom counter, and we waited.

I’m not going to lie, I was seriously relieved to see the result. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m scared to have another baby. I almost died, having Mj. I hemorrhaged, passed out, and woke up with a team of doctors and nurses working over me. I lost my first baby boy, in my second trimester. My next was born over 2 months early. My last, I had to go in and get shots in my hip, every single week, to help me keep her in longer. I still wound up spending 5 months on bed rest, and half a dozen trips to the hospital, because I’d started having contractions. Don’t get me wrong, my babies are WORTH IT! If I found out another one was coming, I would immediately love him or her, too. It’s just, I have taken several steps to ensure that another baby doesn’t happen. The only thing I was sorry about, was Jackie’s disappointment. Also, Adam had seemed to be expecting a positive result. I’m not sure whether he was being encouraging, and sounding like he might be pretty okay with it, because he wanted to comfort me? Or, was he disappointed, when my test wasn’t positive?

My relief lasted a whole day. Yesterday, I felt “off”. Bloated, moody, and my boobs ached bad enough, it had kept me up during the night before. Wyatt had a baseball game, and I was scheduled to work in the concession stand. I sucked it up, put on a smile, and went to his game. Adam came, after he’d gotten off from work, to relieve my concession duties. Mj and I went home, and made supper. I just heated up some frozen pizzas. It was almost 9:00pm, by the time Adam and Wyatt got home. Adam knew I was feeling crummy. He held me, and rubbed my back, in the shower. When we got in bed, he pulled me over, on top of him, and softly ran his fingertips up and down my back. I couldn’t stay like that for as long as I’d have liked to. My dang boobs are sore. That’s when Adam realized they were bothering me. He told me he wants me to go see the doctor.

This morning, I felt crappy enough that I’d fully intended to call and make an appointment. After I’d been up a few hours, I’d started feeling better. The only thing is, I’m still a little crampy. Also, my boobs still hurt, but I don’t think it’s as bad as the last couple days. I don’t feel tired and miserable, though, like I did yesterday. I suspect it’s just a weird month, and my period will come any day. I have one more pregnancy test. If I haven’t gotten my period, by Friday morning, I’m going to take it. Then, providing the test is negative, I’ll go see the doc if I don’t get my period by the time the next one is due. It’s TMI, but I am incredibly “regular”. I’ve kept track on my health app, since 2014. 24-26 days between periods, like clockwork, always. I did have some weird “spotting” for a couple days, about a week and a half after my last period, though. I honestly attributed that to the vigorous sex Adam and I’d had, the night before it began. It wasn’t anything like a typical period is, so I was sure that was the cause? Maybe that’s why I’m late? Maybe it wasn’t caused by what I’d thought it was, and my body is just out of whack, all the sudden? I’ve also had no problems providing natural lubrication, in the bedroom. Vaginal dryness is a sign you’re starting to run low on eggs, and beginning menopause. My sex drive is 100% in tact. I’ve never had a “hot flash” before. On the contrary, I’m cold until it’s at least 75 degrees. So, who knows what’s goin on with me??

I’m definitely not pregnant, for now.

I haven’t mentioned it here, but I’ve been slightly concerned. My period is more than a week late. I feel like I’ve been PMS’ing. I know I’ve been hormonal as hell. I’ve even been a little crampy. Still, not even a hint of the period I was expecting to arrive. I’m just past my “mid 30’s”, now. I’m too young for menopause. I’m also not exactly prepared to be pregnant, again. My period is always like clockwork, though. I’ve kept track, through an app on my phone, for years. This is the first time it’s been off. I haven’t taken any pregnancy tests. Adam is aware, because he knows my cycle, probably better than I do. Still, I’m convinced it’s got to be a weird month. Maybe I’m messed up because of Jackie and my sister? I should probably go ahead and schedule a doctors visit. I guess I’m in denial, right now. Neither of the options explaining my period’s absence are particularly appealing, to me. All I know, is this is not at all “normal” for me.

Justin and Jackie came over. We played cornhole, out back. Jackie and I won, of course. I found a bird nest, up under our deck, that had baby birds in it.

It’s barely 7:00pm, and I’m exhausted. Yet another reason I’m concerned. This is certainly not like me. I’m absolutely convinced this is just a weird hormonal thing. There’s no way I could be pregnant. No freaking way…

And I’mma live it up for the weekend
Pour it up, have the time of your life
Take a shot for the regrets
Double up and it’s bound to get buck wild
Hey ladies, let your hair down
We know ain’t nobody scared now, hell nah
Just do your thing like it’s spring break
Wake and bake and we’re at it again
We live it up for the weekend

~Brantley Gilbert

We played games downstairs, with the kids. After they went upstairs, Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I played ping pong awhile. Then, we went up and played a card game. Adam and Wyatt are outside cutting the grass. I ran a couple errands, and now waiting for Justin and Jackie to get here. We’re going to sit outside, hang out, play cornhole, and then find some mischief (as usual).

I also got my dining chairs recovered. I didn’t remember to take before photos, but here’s the after.

Also, my baby niece, Pj, is getting SO big!! She’s starting to sit herself up.

I don’t have much else to write about. Thought I’d share some pictures to speak words for me 😊

~Neal McCoy

This song came on, and I always think of my babies, when I hear it! It was their last day of school, a couple years ago. They’d had a “field day”, where they played outdoor games, water balloon fights, just a fun last day before summer break. I always come to play and watch, with them. When we left, my soaking wet kiddos sat in the back of the car, wrapped in a “Paw Patrol” beach towel, and a sports themed one. We were jamming out to music, and they were just so happy. I can still see and hear them singing their hearts out, “Slam bam I’m feelin’ alright. Troubles take a hike in the blink of an eye. No need to psycho analyze or have a stiff drink. All she’s gotta do is just gimmie that wink.” My son’s favorite song, is Morgan Wallen, “Sand in my Boots”. Mj’s is “My Truck”, or anything by Jason Aldean. Still, every time we hear “Wink”, we all have to sing it together, and remember that magical day.

We’re already fixing to end the kids’ school year. Only one more month of school left, before it’s summer break, again. I absolutely love spending summers with my babies. Still, I can’t be wishing time away. There’s so precious few summers we get with our kids. If I measure our time into summers, it’s just not long enough. I really do hope that they will hear the song “Wink”, and always think back to the same day that I do. I know I will never forget. I just love those beautiful babies so damn much!

It’s been a rainy, cool day. Only mid 60’s outside, but it’s still 78 inside, and humid as I’ll get out. I’m just making fried chicken sandwiches for supper, tonight. I’ve got some French fries, to go with. It’s just going to be Adam, the kids, and I hanging out, tonight. I think we’re going to play a family card game, with the kids. Stay home and have a quiet evening. Tomorrow, we’re planning to hang outside here, with Justin and Jackie. It’s supposed to be sunny, and around 70 degrees. We’re hoping to play some cornhole games, and maybe a card game or two, later on.

I’ve got some potatoes that I need to use up. I think I’m going to make potato salad. Maybe we can have it with whatever we decide to make for supper, tomorrow. I’ll share how I make my potato salad in a separate post. Pretty sure I haven’t done that, yet?

I sure don’t have much else to write about, today. It’s been a fairly mundane kind of day here! I got excited, when Adam noticed how tan my legs were looking, last night. I’m sooo ready for it to be summer! We’re definitely getting summer humidity back. I don’t mind it. I love everything about summertime. Swimming pools. Tanned legs. Nights out back. Lots of barbecuing. Spending everyday with my babies, and finding fun with them. It’s all my favorite. Christmas is my most favorite holiday, but July 4 (Independence Day) is a very close second. We’ve already talked about what we’re planning to do, this July.

I like the way you keep it simple
Light shining in through the window
Waking me up

Hey, let’s go, walking on the sidewalk
I’ll listen to you talk, whenever you want

You are my person, You are the light of a thousand suns
You are everything I ever wanted
You are the one that I love

~Kyle Andrews

Yesterday ended up being crazy busy. I decided to seriously deep clean Adam and my bathroom. I scrubbed every tile, and the grout in between them. I cleaned the jets in our bathtub. I washed walls, and all the baseboards. I cleaned the cabinets, counter, and sinks. I wiped the mirror clean. I cleaned every surface of that bathroom. It wound up taking me two hours. Just as I was finishing up, Jackie, my sister, and baby Pj walked in. They decided to pop over. I talked to them, and played with Pj. After they left, I washed all the main floor windows. Then, the kids got home from school. I’d promised my daughter I’d take her up to a store near us, so we went there. When we got back home, it was time for me to start supper. After supper, Adam and I sat out on our deck. I watered all my flowers, we took a shower, and went to bed.

Today’s a little less hectic. I picked up some groceries, cleaned the kitchen, put away some laundry. It’s kind of stuffy, today. It says it’s only 84 degrees out, but it’s humid. My favorite thing to wear, when it’s hot, is a sundress. I just got some new ones, too. I’d mentioned how I wanted more of them, to Adam. He told me to go get some. He didn’t have to tell me twice!

We’re having BLT’s tonight, for supper. I do love to cook, but bacon is always Adam’s thing. I hate cooking bacon. Adam doesn’t mind. So, that’s become his job, when we need some bacon cooked. Jackie and Justin are planning to come by, later this evening. They’d asked if we wanted to sit out, if they stopped by, last night. It was already getting late though, and Adam and I were both tired. We asked if we could reschedule that for tonight, instead.

If you’ve ever seen that TV show, “Roseanne”, you’ll know who “Jackie” was. We’ve called my Jackie “Jackie”, for years, because of that show. Although it’s not her real name, it’s used a lot. I get so much joy in seeing my best friend happy. Justin has been such a blessing. We love him like family now, too. He’s one of “my people”. I’m ready for it to be the weekend again, so we can find some new shenanigans together!

We’ve been SO busy! Last night, Justin and Jackie hung out with us. We played some cornhole. Jackie and I won most all the games, of course. Then, we came inside and played some new games they’d brought. It was a lot of silly, and loads of fun!

Adam and I got up, and he took Oliver for a run. Then, we took showers, and got ready to head into Nashville. Our friend was having an egg hunt, for all the kids. He used to live behind us, before we moved. Mj’s best friend (T), is his daughter. Wyatt is staying the night, in our old neighborhood, with a friend of his. We brought T home with us. We just got home. Now, Adam is lighting the grill. We’re fixing to have Justin and Jackie over and BBQ. I’m hoping to play cornhole again. The weather is iffy. It was 86 degrees all afternoon, but a storm looks to be rolling in. If we can’t be outside, I’m sure we’ll find fun inside.

That’s about all the excitement I have to write about, for today!

Yesterday was a rough one. Mj’s best friend, I’ll call her “T”. She’s had a hard childhood. Her mama wasn’t in her life, until recently. Her dad has been a single father, raising her since birth. While I know he loves her, he’s not a great daddy. If he’s not at work, he’s in his garage, chain smoking and drinking. T was at our house most everyday. She ate supper with us most nights. Her and Mj aren’t in the same school, anymore. We don’t get to see her everyday, like we used to. When T was here, a couple weeks ago, we noticed cuts up both of her arms. She had taken a razor blade, and cut into herself. I talked with her. I told her how much we love her. I told her, she can talk to me anytime. I won’t ever repeat things she tells me, unless I’m afraid for her safety. I offered to help her reach out and ask for help. I talked to her dad. He, clearly, did nothing. He called me in tears, yesterday afternoon. He told me T was with social services. She had tried to hang herself. T had tied a bunch of string together, wrapped it around her neck, and attempted to end her life. That absolutely shatters me. I’m also livid. Her dad claimed they wouldn’t tell him anything. He called me from his garage. I could hear the beer cans being opened. I could tell he was lighting up cigarette after cigarette. If that was my baby, I’d be up there beating down doors and begging to see my daughter. I’d be desperately searching for help for her. I’d be asking so many questions, trying to figure out what I could do for her. He got drunk.

T called me, last night. We had a long talk. I don’t know what I can do, but I so badly want to help that little girl. Adam and I, Wyatt and Mj, we love T like family.

Today, someone else pissed me off. Compared to the situation with T, it’s nothing. But, I have had my fill of tolerating idiots and assholes. I do our taxes every year. This year, I had done everything, put all the numbers into the forms, and come up with a final number. It was way different than what I’d anticipated. Adam and I talked about it, and decided to have an accountant look over everything. We just wanted to double check I’d done everything correctly. I brought everything I’d done to her, last week. She told me she’d have it looked at, by that same evening. It took several days, and several messages and phone calls from me, before she finally bothered to call me back. This morning, she informed me that my figures are correct. Then, she tried to charge me $425. $425 to LOOK OVER my own paperwork?! We have paid less than half of that amount, to have our old accountant do ALL the paperwork. I’d learned what I was doing, a few years back, and been doing it myself. I told this lady, it took me 7 minutes and 19 seconds to plug these numbers into the same system she did. That’s literally all she did, too. She couldn’t answer my questions. She’s been dodging me for days. Uhh, no. I’m not having it today. I haven’t said anything to her, yet. I was so angry, I needed time to cool off. I haven’t even talked to Adam about it. Maybe I’m making too big a deal out of it? I just get so sick and tired of people assuming they can price gauge me, and overcharge for things, as if I’m too stupid to notice or care. If I drive up in my cush SUV, or hand over paperwork showing our income, and someone assumes I’m not intelligent with money, that sets me off. The nice things we have are because we know the value of things, and chose to spend our money on them. The value of the work this lady did is absolutely not what she’s trying to charge. She did our friends taxes, start to finish, for $80. Their taxes were no less complicated than ours, either. Ours ain’t even that difficult! I only wanted to make certain I was right with my figuring. Anyhow, I’m a little turnt up, this afternoon.

To add to all this, Adam told me his elbow has been hurting real bad. He says it’s been a few weeks, and not gotten better. He never said a thing to me, until a couple nights ago. He doesn’t complain, especially about pain. He’s had this issue before. Playing high school, and then college football, did take its toll on his body. He had to have surgery, last time this happened. He’s worried he’s going to wind up needing surgery again. I told him he needs to go see the doctor! He refused. He insists we wait it out longer, to see if it won’t feel better. He’s worried about his work, if he has to go through all the crap he did the last time his elbow felt like this. It’s several weeks of rest and then rehab. He had no problem, whatsoever, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. He’s been able to swing his hand down onto my behind, just fine. So, I can’t know whether he’s being a tough guy, and ignoring pain? Or, maybe he’s paranoid about a pain that will end up being no big deal?

It’s not the day to piss me off. I’m not grouchy. I’m just not in any mood to be dealing with anymore bull crap. It’s gorgeous out. I’m playing music, and writing here. I need to call and tell Adam about my “accountant” frustrations. I wanted to find a better attitude before I talked to him, though. I suppose I’ll get it over with. Maybe. I don’t know? We’ll see. I might wait til he’s home, this evening.

“Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

~Semisonic

We had a great weekend. Saturday evening, Jackie and Justin played some games with Adam and I. We didn’t get too wild, or stay up super late, since the next day was Easter. We had a blast, though.

I got up early, yesterday. I needed to let my dough, for the dinner rolls, rise. I had a 12 pound ham to cook in the oven, too. Jackie, Justin, my sister, her husband, baby Pj, Jackie’s sister, Jackie’s baby niece, Poppy, and his girlfriend all came over for Easter dinner. It was gorgeous out. We sat outside, after we ate. The guys hid eggs for the kids to find. It’s always the dads (and uncles) job, to hide eggs. We had a couple of “golden” eggs, with money inside them. The rest just had candy in them.

After everybody (except Justin and Jackie) left, we played cornhole. It was such a perfect Easter Sunday. Lots of sunshine, family, food, and fun!

I decided to break down, and tell my sister I know. I know you’ve let [our mother] back into your life. I still love you.

I feel like these screenshots sum up my thoughts pretty darned perfectly. My sister and I are good. I truly have no animosity toward her. I worry. I’m afraid, certain actually, she’s going to get hurt. But, that’s just not my decision to make. Regardless, I’m always going to be here, for her. I gave her a big hug, yesterday, and told her I love her. She got teary. I knew she’d been so worried about how I’d react. I need my people to understand and believe, I’d never turn my back on them, because they upset me. I can be angry, hurt, sad…but my love for them isn’t something I can simply “turn off”. It really hurts my heart, to think they wouldn’t know that.

“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”

“Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again”

~Danny Gokey

I’m not going to pretend like it’s been easy, knowing my mother was here. She was somewhere so close, but the distance between us cannot be traveled. Even if she’s only minutes from me. I’ve seen pictures and videos, from social media. Even though I don’t have it, I have friends who do. They send me things. I’ve had to answer questions from well meaning people, who know me. They’ll ask me if my mom is here, and whether she’ll be coming to Easter dinner with my family. I have to explain, over and over again, that no, my mother will never be in my life again. That’s not particularly easy to do, either. I don’t even care if it makes me seem like a horrible daughter. I’m protecting myself, and most importantly, my family. We had an unexpected knock on our door, the other night. My heart sank into my stomach. Adam got the door. It was just a package, being dropped off. I have had to live guarded, much more than usual, until she’d gone back to where she came from. She’s gone now, and I’m glad for it.

I wasn’t wallowing in my sorrows, while I knew she was close by. I actually had a pretty great week. Although my “circle” seems to have gotten smaller, the ones who belong here are my loyal family and friends. They’re the ones who understand me. They know the reasons for my “whys, whats, and hows”. They don’t question my choices, because they’ve been here with me, through my struggles. They love me. That means so much more to me, than having 1000 “friends” who don’t care to know me, unless there’s gossip they’re curious about. I’m just so grateful for “my people”.

It was a busy last several days. I had to get our taxes finished. I had a whole bunch of errands. The kids have been very busy, at school. There’s been some sort of activity, everyday. I also woke up with a raging kidney infection, a couple days about. They come on super quickly, and always angry as hell. It’s not a slow, gradual buildup. Just, bam. So, I wasn’t feeling the best. Getting much better now, though.

Mj is spending the night at Justin and Jackie’s place. She’s been wanting to have a sleepover. Tomorrow, Jackie and I are going to steam eggs, for deviled eggs. I’ve got to pick up a few things for Easter dinner, but we’re mostly prepared for it. Wyatt, Mj, and I are going to make the desserts tomorrow, too. Adam’s going to grill some chicken for us, tomorrow evening. I’ve already got potato and pasta salads ready for us to have with our chicken. This way, I won’t have to do much cooking, for supper. I can get everything I need to ready for Sunday. Our Easter dinner will consist of a honey ham, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, corn, green bean casserole, rolls, deviled eggs, a veggie tray, Oreo and banana cream pies. I always think back to what my grandma served us, on holidays. That’s how I plan our holiday menus. Tonight, I just made Mj’s favorite hot ham and cheese sandwiches, and onion rings.

I’m exhausted! I need to go to bed. I just wanted to write here, and catch up on the last two days here. I will definitely write more, tomorrow. I had a small incident, with Adam, but it’s fine now. I’m too tired to explain tonight, though. Goodnight!

Jackie and I went flower shopping, today. I got lots of my planters filled with annuals! I’m so happy!

I also got some for the front of our house. It’s looking so nice! I’m really happy with the way it’s turned out. Jackie and I turned on some music, and got busy planting flowers, and making everything look nice. I had a great afternoon, with my best friend ❤️

We also made a TikTok. It’s one of those “if you know, you know”. We think we’re pretty hilarious, though.

I’m making beef and noodles, for supper. I had dinner rolls I let rise, all afternoon. I’m about to put those in the oven. Everything else is just about ready.

I really don’t feel like talking about how nervous I was, that we might bump into my mother, while we were out shopping. Or, how afraid I was to even leave my house, on the off chance she came by here. Jackie has been the most amazing friend, while this has been an issue. She came over last night, and we talked and laughed in the kitchen. I picked her up, this morning. We did our flower shopping, and she helped me get everything planted. We were our typical goofballs. There were lots of laughs. It really helped me to not focus on the worry I’ve been feeling. Instead, it’s been an awesome day. I don’t think I have the words to describe how thankful I am, for the people who truly love me like this.

Today has been darned near too warm. My house says it’s 83 degrees inside. Still, I’m so excited summer is coming! I’ve got windows wide open. We have fans blowing. I’m comfortable, but the kids are complaining. I’m feeling so content, happy, loved, and grateful. It would take an awful lot, to ruin my good mood!

I hope everyone else has had as blessed a day, as I have ❤️

Lights go down, wheels go around
I’m taking you home
Hoping for a slow song to come on the radio now
I’m not ready to shut it down
The way the dashboard glow
Is hitting your eyes making me lose everything on my mind
And the only thing I wanna do is find a spot
Stop this car and throw it in park and get just…

Slow dance with you
Spinning you around by the Walmart sign
And moving our feet over the painted white lines
Getting close to you
Making the most of whatever we got
Even if it’s just a slow dance in a parking lot

~Jordan Davis

Adam loves this song. If it comes on, and we’re in the car, he always reaches for my hand. If it plays, while I’m in the kitchen, he comes in and dances with me. It’s not that I don’t like this song. I do! I just think it’s sweet that Adam thinks of me, when it comes on. It’s an indescribably amazing thing, having someone who loves me the way Adam does.

We didn’t do much, yesterday. Adam took Oliver for a walk. Mj’s friend was still here, so the kids played outside. The weather here has been great. I can leave bedroom windows open, all night long, and it feels so good. I washed all the bedding, today, and hung it out to dry. I vacuumed, swept, and mopped all the floors. There’s something about having fresh air and sunshine pouring in, that just makes me happy. I bought a plug in air freshener refill. It’s “vanilla lavender”. Ohhh my goshhh, it made my whole house smell amazing! I’ve got some cucumbers soaking in vinegar water, and onion, in the fridge. So, it also smells great, when I open our fridge. I’m fixing my cheeseburger macaroni recipe for supper, tonight. We’ll have sliced cucumber, and I’ve got corn on the cob.

I finally replaced my measuring cups. The ones I’d had, I’ve had for several years. They’re so worn, we can’t read them anymore. I ordered new ones on Amazon. They just arrived. The measurements are engraved into the handles, so we won’t wear them off like my old ones. I also got some material for our dining room chair seats. They’re in desperate need of a facelift. I’m excited for it to get here, and recover my chairs. I’ll take before and after photos, when I do them.

And that’s pretty much all the excitement at my house, today! Been a quiet, peaceful kind of Monday. My behind still hurts, from Saturday night. I’m not trying to find anymore trouble.