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I F***ed Up….again

So, a few weeks ago, I ordered these really cool sheer window blinds that don’t need cords or knobs to move them up and down. They just stay wherever you want to push or pull them. We needed something like this in our eat in area in our kitchen and I’ve looked for just what I wanted since we moved in here. I finally found exactly what I wanted for only $50 a piece. I just needed 2 of them. We finally hung them a couple weeks ago and it turned out, one of them was broken. I contacted the company who sent out a replacement, but I needed to ship back the defective one or else we’d be charged for the replacement. Y’all probably know where this is going now.

I had the blind in the box and ready to take to the UPS store, but I kind of sort of put that off. I went to do it yesterday, and discovered I’d waited too long and we’d been charged. I doubted I could even still send this broken one back now. I seriously debated whether to tell Adam about this. He would never ever notice a relatively small amount of money missing from one of our accounts anyway. I was very quiet and he kept asking me why I was so distant. Finally, while we were getting ready for bed, I told him. Guilt got to me and it felt too much like lying. I just knew how frustrated he would be considering we’d just addressed my bad habit of procrastinating a few weeks ago. I told him the whole situation. Then I giggled nervously, waiting for him to respond. I did not think it was funny. I just get like that when I’m nervous. Also, my ears turn bright red, which Adam commented on. He sighed and asked me “What am I going to do with you???” I replied “Accept me for the way I am?” He smiled and he pulled me into him. My face is right at his chest when he holds me because he’s about a foot taller than I am. I knew he wasn’t happy. He was showing me he loved me, anyway. He told me that I am not allowed to buy anything else for the house or for fun for 2 weeks. No more Fall candles that I love. No new lotion or makeup or whatever thing I would’ve gotten. Things the kids NEED or food, that’s it. Then, he informed me that I needed to still try to contact the seller and see if there’s any way I can still return this blind. He told me that, if not, I would have a second punishment to deal with the following night. I knew what he was saying. I slept in his arms, like normal. Except, I didn’t sleep particularly well because I was so nervous they wouldn’t take the blinds back now and Adam would be upset all over again tomorrow. So, this morning, I sent Adam a very long text message explaining that I swear I’m not just trying to get into trouble, or to piss him off. I hate doing that. I just think I can get away with putting off some things and it bites me in the ass, again. And again. I explained how nervous I was to even try to see if they’d take them back because it was easier for me to not call and hear them say yes, than it was to think of calling and hearing them tell me no. And then know I was going to be in more trouble with him tonight. And then, I asked him if I could still have Biscuit (a friend of ours who details our vehicles for us) come do my car this week. I asked if that counted as money I can’t spend. He told me yes, that counts. He told me I could clean my car myself. Awhile later, he called. He said that if I contacted the seller, AND they’d still take them back and refund me, I could still have Biscuit come do my car. Otherwise, he’d better see me with a clean car in the driveway when he gets home. I was so excited when I finally got ahold of the sellers and they said I could still return them!! I text Adam and I asked him to pleeeeease print off the label I needed for the box at his work for me because our printer still isn’t even set up since our move. After a little back and forth texts, he text back that yes, he would print it for me. This is when I told him thank you and that I won’t ask Biscuit to do my car this week even.

I think I’ve dodged a bullet today. I’m pretty sure Adam isn’t going to feel the need to spank me or to ground me from anything else tonight now. I still haven’t asked if this means I can buy fun things again? I suppose that wouldn’t be a good idea, yet. I honestly respect Adam even more when he handles my shit this way sometimes. Sometimes I need him to punish me with a spanking. Sometimes, I need him to be more creative. I know danged well that if I hadn’t obeyed him with this more creative punishment, I’d have not sat down comfortably for several days. I didn’t want that. I fully intend to obey him in this. I’m so, so glad that things worked out this way today. I can breathe and the sinking feeling in my belly is all better now. I was especially afraid of the spanking he might give me if they wouldn’t have taken them back. Not that he’d hurt me in any extensive kind of way, just that I already had a lot of guilt and felt foolish. I was totally willing to accept these other things he has punished me with. Now I’m excited for him to come home and I can have a clear conscience tonight!

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Good Morning!

I am taking a break. Been up since 5:00am. I got kids up and off to school. Planned out this week’s supper menu and bought all the groceries I need to make them. I got breakfast dishes washed and threw a load of laundry in the washer. Made our bed. Got myself ready for the day. Fed the dogs. Swept all the hardwood floors and dusted the front room. Still need to vacuum, but I decided to sit for a minute and take a break. I’ve been searching for these frozen egg noodles I use to make chicken noodle soup and beef and noodles. Tried every store near us and nobody seems to ever have them. So, I looked online and found I can order a big ol case of them for like $63. I showed Adam yesterday and said I know it’s ridiculous, but I really want these so I can make those things again. We can put them in the deep freezer and I won’t have to worry about buying them again for awhile. This morning I text him and asked “Can I buy those frozen egg noodles?” He wrote right back, “Sure!” My hubby’s so good to me ❤️

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Observations

Saturday morning, Jackie could not stop talking about the night before when Adam picked me up off the ground, lifted his knee in the air, threw me over it, and spanked me. He wasn’t even upset, really. Just sort of reminding me to watch my mouth with him. She has asked me so many questions, but not out of shock and horror, she’s intrigued. She’s seen him slap my butt. I’ve told her bits and pieces of situations and arguments. She mentioned how she was proud of Adam because she didn’t know he really did “wear the pants”. Until I opened up and really explained our relationship, she believed it was all a game. Like Adam was pretending to be in charge sometimes. She invited her guy friend over. We call him “Super Trooper” because he’s a cop. He really likes Jackie and he’s a nice guy. Maybe too nice, though? Adam and I watched her pushing and testing him all evening. My mouth dropped open in absolute shock at some of the things she was saying to him! I told Adam, I cannot even begin to imagine trying to talk to you like that! He told me exactly what I knew he’d do if I tried it. Jackie was so obviously just begging this guy to stand the fuck up to her. It’s an interesting thing to observe from the outside. He did slap her behind a few times and put her into one of those “cop holds” so she couldn’t move for a minute. She so clearly wanted to know if he would do anything. And if so, what?

This afternoon, we talked some more and I gave her the best analogy I could come up with to describe why I’m good with Adam taking charge and spanking me, even when I’m not enjoying it.

Let’s say Adam and I are walking down a sidewalk alongside a busy highway. We start to argue and we’re both getting pissed off. I decide to pull away from him and step off the curb into oncoming traffic. Adam has 3 options now. 1) He can do nothing. If I get hit by a car, that’s on me. 2) He could push me further into the street because he’s angry. 3) He could grab my arm and pull me right the heck off the damn street and back onto the sidewalk where it’s safe. Of these three options, which one makes you feel most loved and protected? Which would give you reason to seriously respect your man? Well, that’s how I look at it. No, it isn’t always fun. It isn’t always easy. We don’t always get it right.

My best friend is taking in all of this, and she’s never had good luck with men. She either dated someone who is abusive and cruel. Or she goes out with really nice guys who let her walk all over them. I would love for her to find what I have. It has blown her mind to learn that Adam isn’t just a pushover. He adores me and he wants to give me the world, but he will not let me walk all over him. Thank God. Because watching her speak to Super Trooper like that was torturous.

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My People and Me

I have known my best friend, Jackie, for nearly 20 years. We were still kids when we became neighbors and we met as teenagers. We used to sneak away so we could hide somewhere and smoke cigarettes. We told each other everything. Still do. She has been with me through my marriage, my babies being born, losing my mom. She has always been my kids cool aunt. She hasn’t had much luck with relationships. Her childhood was riddled with trauma and abuse causing negative patterns that continued well into adulthood for her. She’s working on herself and I’m very proud of who she’s becoming recently. She finished the lease on her apartment and has moved into our house. We have a walk out apartment area in our basement and she is staying there hoping to save money for a house of her own. Adam doesn’t mind her staying here and I love having her around.

Last night, we set up corn hole (an outdoor game with bags you throw into a hole). We hadn’t done that in awhile because it’s been way too hot, but it was beautiful out last night. Jackie, a guy friend of hers, Adam, and I threw the bags and, as always, Jackie and I were kicking ass and taking names. This is the one game where I can beat Adam consistently. Not always, but most always. We had my little bose speaker playing music and a fridge full of beer in the garage. Everybody, except Adam, had a pretty good buzz going from the drinks. He enjoys sitting back and watching me get a “beer buzz” because I’m a silly, happy kind of drunk. I don’t get sloppy and wasted. Just loosened up and goofy. Somehow, the conversation went to a couple of weeks ago when I’d told Jackie that I hadn’t done several things Adam had warned me to get done. She laughed and told me to stomp on the floor real hard 3 times if I needed her to come busting into our room. It was just a joke. Then, the other night when Adam was away and her and I stayed up talking until nearly 4:00am, she asked me what ever happened with that. I told her the truth. Adam spanked me! She just giggled and said we were “so kinky”. She isn’t necessarily wrong. We are pretty great together in bed. That was that. Until last night. I was getting a little bit too “mouthy” toward Adam and I called him an asshole for what I perceived as cheating in our game of corn hole. He leaned over me and gave me a few hard swats on my behind and told me “Keep it up”. That’s a clear and obvious warning for me to not “keep it up”. Jackie says “Holy crap! Did that hurt??” I laughed and told her that was nothing! This lead to a whole explanation about why I’m ok with it, but yes, it does hurt. I think she had just then realized that Adam isn’t always just playing with me. Sometimes, he means it. And, he really is “the boss”. I told her some things I’ve already written here about how literally every other relationship I have with my family and friends, even strangers most times, I am the bossy one. I have naturally been the one who leads since I was a child. Adam is the one and only person who usurps my leadership role and I’m so grateful for it. I don’t think it occurred to Jackie that maybe I need somebody like me. I even mentioned Adam had been making me call him “sir” sometimes. It blew her mind that I can be made to do anything! I think I’ve been afraid to say too much about this stuff because I was afraid that I could lose the respect of “my people”. When I say my people, I mean my family and friends. The people who matter to me. I knew Jackie assumed it was just us being kinky, and I left it that way. For some reason, maybe the alcohol, I decided to let her hear the truth. It felt good to do that. I don’t have secrets from her. I could immediately see that it didn’t change the way she thinks of me, but it did change the way she thinks of Adam. She has a new level of respect for him now, too. Like, if he can tell me what to do, he must be one hell of a leader himself! I’m okay with that. I like for people to see what I do in my husband. To respect him. To understand what he is to me.

I’m a little tired today after staying up late and drinking. Adam went into work for awhile this morning. I think tonight is going to be a quiet night. Adam can grill some pork chops, I’ll make some pasta salad and my famous lemon and pepper green beans. We can sit on the deck and just hang out. ❤️

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The Case for Domestic Discipline

Adam and I have been having really good conversations the last few nights. It occurred to me that it might almost seem as if I’ve done or said things because I actually wanted Adam to spank me. Like it’s just a sexy, fun game we’re playing. Adam slaps my ass all the time. That is sexy and fun. I’m never out doing stupid shit because I want to make him angry, though. Teasing, playing around, yes. Being disrespectful and not following through with things, that’s never because I think a spanking would be fun. I got to thinking about it. Let’s say you’re not wearing your seatbelt, you speed through a work zone and nearly rear ended the car in front of you. You see the red and blue lights come on in your rear view mirror, and you have to pull over. Would any of us have been doing those things specifically because you wanted to get pulled over? Heck no! You’ve been reckless, and you’ve been caught now. Here are your options. You could get a speeding ticket, OR you can go to prison. If you had to pick, which one would most of us prefer? I know I’d take the speeding ticket. I don’t want one. Now my insurance rates will increase. I have hundreds of dollars I have to pay in fines. However, that’s most definitely the better alternative to being sent to prison.

Adam and I had one of those WW3 kind of fights last weekend. That’s “prison”, for me. 10 out of 10 times I would tell you I’d prefer the “speeding ticket”. Did I want him to spank me? No. I wanted to give him hell and to get away with it. At least, I did in the moment. Looking back, I so wish he’d have just spanked me for the way I acted and then I could’ve calmly explained my own upset in our situation. I’d have been remorseful for my part in it, he would no longer be angry or need to punish me, and I could then talk to him about the reasons I was feeling hurt and frustrated.

We don’t always handle ourselves well. These WW3 type fights are very rare. In these instances, I would most definitely prefer a “speeding ticket”. Hell, a “warning” has worked before! Adam and I have talked a lot about this over the last few days. I don’t give him serious reasons to want to spank me very often. Maybe I get mouthy every few weeks. I am a smart ass most of the time. I usually use my wit for good, but I can be disrespectful toward him with my attitude at times. I hadn’t neglected my “job” here at home for a very long time, until recently. I’ve been on track and haven’t let anything else slide so far. I’ve done very good with that lately. There are times, probably like once a year, if not longer in between, when I just go all in. I’m being a bitch, and I know it. I don’t care. I know I’m not handling myself the way I should be. I know I’m not helping the situation by continuing to poke and prod at Adam in an effort to get him as angry as I am. I want him to feel what I feel. To see what I’m seeing. Once I have sufficiently pissed him off, it’s game on. The truth is, I never want it to go that far. Inside, I am screaming for him to make this stop. To end this. To assure me that he is still in control and this isn’t going to happen again. I’ve talked to him about these things plenty. I’ve told myself that I won’t let it get like that next time. I remind myself how deeply I really do desire to show my husband respect. I still fail sometimes. The very best thing to have come out of this is the brutal and unwavering honesty that has followed. I tell Adam everything. I don’t have secrets from him. The biggest reason for my upset when we fight is that I feel he doesn’t care about the things I’ve opened up about during many previous conversations. He knows everything to do and say that will rip my heart out in the moment. But, I won’t give up. I refuse to. One day, we will successfully navigate even the biggest arguments so well that they’ll never be allowed to grow into tremendous fights that hurt us both. I love that we have spent every evening this week talking. We’ve talked about all of these things. My confidence has been restored. I believe in my husband. I have faith in us. I am not going to go forward and try to screw up because I prefer it when Adam is proud of me. Inevitably, I will do something or say something stupid again, and I really do have complete confidence in my husband’s ability to handle it well, like he does most always.

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Power Dynamics

I wrote awhile ago about when Adam had required me to answer him with “yes sir” during a somewhat stern discussion he was having with me about my failure to get some important things done. I wrote about how those two little words created this obvious energy between us. He is in charge right now. He means it. I need to acknowledge to him that I understand that. It’s incredibly sexy. It reassures me that he’s got me and I know he is going to hold me accountable so I need to do what I’m told right now. It isn’t about being a bully. It’s about him looking out for my best interests. For our well being.

Sex also has this effect on me. Adam is in charge. He controls how, when, where he is going to pleasure himself and me. I always know that I can ask him to change position, to go slower or harder. Often, he knows what I want without a word having been spoken, and he’s happy to oblige me. It isn’t as if I don’t have any power or say in what we are doing. Ultimately though, he is the deciding factor. Even when I’m on top of him, he will grab my hips and move me himself. In bed, Adam is the boss. He’s got the final say. He deeply desires to please me. He won’t do anything to harm me. I fully trust him.

I believe that when Adam spanks me it is a very similar experience for both of us. He is much bigger and stronger than I am. Without exhausting much energy at all, he can bend me over, pull down my panties, and bring his hand (or a spoon, hairbrush, belt, whatever) down on my behind. He doesn’t have to stop until he is satisfied. Again, there is an unspoken energy happening between us that brings me back down to earth. I have no choice but to recognize that I am absolutely not in charge right now. And it’s sexy as hell to me. Even when he is upset with me, so long as he has himself under control, I feel safe. I would always much prefer this over seeing my husband lose his shit and handle me without care. As long as I know that he is saying or doing something in love, I accept it. I appreciate it. I admire him for it. I respect him.

In nearly all other areas of my life, I am in charge. I run the house. I take care of our kids, our pets. I am the “strong one” in my family most always. So many people who matter to me count on me to be the one with a clear, calm, level head. Adam is the only person who I don’t have to always be those things with. I can lean into him and count on him to be looking out for me. I crave the security that comes from having him hold me accountable. Watch out for me. Protect me. These times when he and I are showing each other that we understand our places in this moment, he is leading, I am following. They make this all real. We aren’t just playing out a fantasy. This isn’t pretend. I do have so much power in our relationship. I understand how much Adam does simply because his goal is always for me to be healthy and happy. Things he doesn’t want to do, but he does for me. If I need something, he will provide it. If I want something, he wants to give it to me. If I am wrong, he calls me on it. He is the head. I am the neck. I truly wouldn’t ever wish it to be any other way.

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Real

I write here about my real life. I talk about real feelings and emotions, the good and the bad. I just word vomit all of it out on here because it’s been good for me. All of this to say, I really don’t have much to say today. Last night was a great night. Adam and I sat out on our deck and talked. We teased and laughed. He grabbed my ass and gave me a squeeze a couple times through the evening. We stayed up a little later than usual, but he wanted to. I think it was helpful to both of us being able to hang out alone together. We made love again when we went to bed. After, I laid on his chest and I said I was sorry for hanging up on him and ignoring him. He told me that meant a lot to him having me say that. He held me in his arms all through the night.

I had a lot of errands to run today. My kids first full day back to school is this coming Thursday, so plenty of things to do getting ready for that. We had no more than walked into the door when a storm popped up out of nowhere so it’s pouring rain and thundering out now. I’m in a pretty good mood. Just there isn’t a whole heck of a lot to talk about yet. I’m very glad to have my husband home now and to have our recent troubles behind us. I can’t wait for it to be the weekend so we can spend some more time together than only the few hours we get between when he gets home from work and bedtime. ❤️

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Fresh Start

Saturday morning, Adam was supposed to be heading home at 9:00am. I made supper plans expecting him to be home. They decided to go have breakfast and ended up not leaving until 11:15am. I was not happy. It genuinely felt like he wasn’t in any hurry to come home. Meanwhile, I’ve been over here counting down the days, hours, and minutes til his return. So, I hung up on him when he called and didn’t reply to his texts until hours later. He had text me asking “are you excited because I’m ready to be home”. A couple hours later I replied with “take highway 41 off 24 to go around the construction”. They’re doing road construction right at the Kentucky Tennessee border, so I knew it would shave off time. However, I also knew that he wouldn’t appreciate that being my only response. He almost instantly text back “well that answers that”. There were no more phone calls or texts until he got home. I stood in the kitchen and didn’t come to the door to greet him. All week, I had pictured jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist to give him the biggest hug and kiss. Unfortunately, that wasn’t how it played out. He came into the kitchen and tried to give me a kiss, but I turned and just gave him my cheek. It was nearly 10:00pm, so kids gave him some love and then it was time for bed. As soon as Adam and I climbed into bed…all hell broke loose. He said some things. I said some things. I wound up crying myself to sleep at 1:00am. Woke up at 5:00am with a headache from hell. We barely spoke to each other most of Sunday. Polite enough to not arouse suspicion with the kids, although I’m certain they heard our raised voices Saturday night. Finally, last night, while I was fixing supper, he came up behind me and spun me around and kissed my lips for the first time in over a week. I let him this time. He had really hurt my feelings, but I also can’t stand it when we’re fighting. I was feeling more alone since he’d gotten home than I had that entire week he was away. We didn’t talk about it all until bedtime. We sat in bed and both apologized for stupid shit we’d said. More tears that I couldn’t stop from forming began to fall down my face. He hates when I cry. I hate when I cry! I feel weak and pathetic. I honestly don’t cry very often at all. Once we had talked it out, I laid in his arms and kept my head on his chest. He asked me if a spanking would help. I said “No, not tonight please. I need you to love me right now.” He gently kissed me and rolled over on top of me. He made love to me in that typically boring, slow, soft, missionary position way and it was exactly what I needed.

I know that very soon, I will be getting spanked for ignoring him, twice. It just wasn’t the right time last night. I sometimes think what about him? I don’t get to spank his ass when he screws up. I realize, though, that he does get punished. He has the responsibility to fix it. He has the weight of his failure. He lost my respect and a piece of my heart, even if temporarily. That kills him. He has to work to regain my full trust. I told him what that does to me. Having this assurance that he would never be hateful toward me, even in anger. His words cut me like a knife. It takes time for me to truly trust that he will not do this again the next time he’s upset with me. It makes it so much harder to come to him and confess anything. I put up a wall. I don’t mean to, it isn’t what I want, but I worry that I can’t trust him to protect me when he’s the one who has caused me this kind of hurt. It isn’t like I didn’t say or do anything that wasn’t nice. I definitely did. I suppose it isn’t fair then, but that’s my point. These things are his punishment, even if it isn’t necessarily meant to be. I don’t distance myself emotionally because it’s what I want. I’m protecting myself.

Today is a brand new day. He went to work this morning. I got my kiss before he left. The knots in my stomach are nearly all gone. The hurt has lessened significantly. We will get back to us very soon. Maybe a spanking would help now?

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Unhappy Homecoming

I really can’t write much yet. To be honest, we have a lot going on today. It’s going to be busy here. I have so much to say, but it’s just not finished yet. I can’t talk about the hard stuff until I’m through it. Adam made it home late last night and I am glad for that. We were both exhausted and drained and a healthy conversation couldn’t possibly come out of that. When it’s settled, over, done, I will be able to put words down here. I know I’m probably being too sensitive. I let too much bottle up and wanted to throw it at him as soon as he got home. Not the best choice. I’m not good at pretending I’m fine when I’m not, though. Part of me is already so looking forward to tonight, when the kids are in bed and we can finally get whatever needs to be said and done over with. Part of me dreads tonight because I don’t want it to look like last night. Neither of us did a good job being husband and wife. I woke up with a splitting headache and my stomach is in knots. We have my family coming by this afternoon. We’re helping my sister get moved into her new place. The kids want to see their dad. My husband is home, but I still miss him like crazy. I hate this feeling more than anything.

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Yes Sir

I’m not going to suggest that I always give Adam an enthusiastic “yes sir”. I rarely call him “sir” if I’m being honest. It’s a skill you learn well living down where we do. Our kids know when their Mama hollers for them, “yes ma’am” is the correct response. They don’t necessarily use that phrase in every conversation between us, though. There are times when it is called for. Adam has only recently began to demand it from me during said times it might be called for. As I have mentioned before, I can be stubborn. If I’m in a cooperative mood, I might freely give him the expected “yes sir”. Other times, I attempt to refuse. The phrase “Do you understand?” Is a great example. It might take a few more smacks on my butt to even get the “yes” out of me, let alone a “yes sir”. I find it incredibly sexy when he holds me to it. Even if I might be feeling stubborn and refusing (at first) to say it. Expecting, even demanding a “yes sir” is one of the ways Adam establishes his authority in those moments. Whether I want to admit it or not, he is in charge right now and I need to let him know I recognize that. “Yes sir” is a simple, yet powerful way to do this. I think the most attractive thing Adam can do is to put me in my place when I need it. The truth is, I don’t want to be in charge of him. If I’m doubting his ability to lead well, things as small as requiring me to address him as an authority lets me know that he has, in fact, still got this.

I actually have some pretty good ideas sometimes. And I’m right about things from time to time too! I don’t want him to belittle or ignore my opinions. I just love when he absolutely requires me to share them with a respectful attitude rather than one of “authority”. I can convince him of damn near anything if I do it sweetly, respectfully. Being a rude or bitchy wife shouldn’t get me anywhere, and I recognize this when I’m calm. Reasonable, sane me understands how important all this is to me. Unreasonable me, the one filled with rage and adrenaline me, struggles. I might still believe I am right with my idea or my opinion, but I don’t believe I should “win” any arguments by belittling, insulting, or disrespecting Adam. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of crap where I need him to take charge and “put me back”. Remind me that he’s my husband, I’m his wife. He isn’t talking to me like I am to him. He isn’t belittling me in front of anyone. I shouldn’t be doing that either.

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Friday

Well, I did respond to Adam’s texts yesterday afternoon. I just text him “Oh sorry, got busy and forgot about you”. He apologized about a dozen different ways and has been much better at communicating since! Things are much better today. I’m so ready for him to be home tomorrow. I realize I am probably going to pay for ignoring him, but it seemed worth it at the time.

My aunt has battled cancer for the last 2 and a half years and she passed away today. I’m feeling a little down so it’s hard to write. I have something I’ve been working on so I’ll try to finish it and post tomorrow.

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Am I Mad???

Yesterday evening, Adam called for a whole 20 seconds to let me know he was done early and he and some of the guys were playing pool. I didn’t mind that at all. He told me “I promise I’ll call you at bedtime to say goodnight.” Clearly, he did not wind up following through on that. I have not answered about a half dozen phone calls from him or replied to messages yet. I fully intend to respond in awhile with “Oh, I’m sorry. I got real busy and forgot about you!” Am I mad?? Nooo why would I be upset 🙄

So anyway, this is my day, so far.

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Knock Down, Drag Out Fights

It’s happened before and it’ll almost certainly happen again. Adam has done something or said something that sets me off. Or maybe, not done something or not said something when I felt he should’ve. Typically, in situations where this results in a big argument, I’ve built myself up to that point of no return. My anger button’s been activated and there’s no turning it off for myself now. I’m not going to suggest that Adam has always handled this well. There have been times where he’s decided to “climb in the ring and box with me”, rather than just remove me from the damn boxing ring and refuse to let it go there. He has said things intended to hurt me, and he accomplishes that goal easily. However, it’s the furthest thing from de-escalating a situation that he could possibly have done. Naturally, I throw something nasty or disrespectful right back at him and we proceed to trade “punches” back and forth. As I’ve made clear, I can be incredibly sassy. I can argue like a lawyer in a Supreme Court case. By the time things have begun to simmer down, none of our words can be taken back. The hurt we’ve caused each other is irreversible. You never forget things said out of anger, even if you understand they were said in anger. Often, Adam will bring up things I’ve done or said days to weeks ago when we’re arguing. Usually, these are things even I suspected would’ve upset him at the time, but he said nothing then, so why now?? Why didn’t he do something before we got to this point? I’m left with a deep sense of disappointment both in Adam and in myself. I’ve failed to give my husband respect. He’s failed to demand it from me. I’m left lying in bed, alone, crying tears that won’t stop. I don’t have my one and only person in this world who can put his arms around me and fix this. My thoughts run wild. “Will he come back to me?” “He could’ve ended this before it was allowed to begin, but he didn’t.” “Why didn’t he just take control of the situation before we got here?” “It’s because he doesn’t care enough.” This is not our normal, but it has happened. It can take weeks, even months before I’m back to a point where I fully trust and respect my husband as the head of our home. As a leader.

In situations like this, the relief that could’ve come from him simply using his authority to tell me “enough”. And if that doesn’t work, to take me somewhere alone and show me he means it. When I’m angry, especially when he gets angry, I have this panic inside me start to bubble up. I’ve lost control, he’s lost control, and we’re never going to be good again. By forcing an end to this and requiring a calm discussion to be the only thing going further, he is reassuring me that he loves me way too much to actually let me hurt myself, him, or us. There is nothing I can do or say to push him away. The relief, the security, and the intense assurances of his love can leave such a positive impact. Rather than anger, fear, and hurt remaining after this has ended, there is a sense of resolve. It’s over. No more needs to be said. I can come away with a reminder that Adam is in charge. Whether or not I appreciate these things in the heat of the moment, it means the world to me when calmer heads have prevailed. I’m not ever thinking “Why doesn’t he just spank me til I’m sorry?” in the heat of the moment. In fact, I’m almost always doing my best to race, climb, claw my way to the “top” of this mountain so I can declare victory for myself. I’m convinced that to just get up there would be a win for me and he will grovel at my feet and accept defeat. Forgetting, ignoring the fact that, even if I do get a “win”, it’s never a win. We both lose. I should always be cheering for my husband. He should always be rooting for me. We’re on the same team! The things coming out of our mouths, the actions we take, should always be in a valiant effort to bring each other UP, not down. I am fully willing to accept Adam doing what he needs to do to prevent this from happening. In fact, I love him so much more for it. I can come away with a genuine respect and admiration for how well my husband loves and leads. This is why I write this blog. Not because I want to convince anyone that our way is the only way to live happily. Because I believe in the possibilities. I want others to see both how great things can be, and to share our struggles as well. Are we perfect, heck no! I believe with all my being that we are pretty freakin’ great together, though.

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I Gave it My Best Shot

I was texting Adam last night and it was nearly 9:00pm and he was still working. Thought maybe I’d get something started. Plant the seed anyway. Unfortunately, by the time he was back to his room and able to call me, it was after 11:00pm and he was exhausted. So, I didn’t get where I was hoping to go.

I was up way too late. Found myself standing in the kitchen with a bowl of fruit loops at about 1:00am. I watched Bill Burr’s latest stand up comedy on Netflix and got some laughs. When I finally went to bed, I sent Adam one last message just to say one more goodnight, I love you. He surprised me by responding goodnight baby, why are you still up?? Apparently, he wasn’t sleeping well either. Woke up this morning to a text from Adam sent hours before I was awake good morning beautiful. I hope you got some sleep. I’m counting down the days! I’m never staying home while he’s gone for this long ever again. The kids and I could’ve gone, but my brother and his wife are here visiting for the first time in 2 years. He’s stationed in California, and away a lot, so we don’t get to see him often.

I’ve been working on a couple of other blog posts I’ll share soon. It’s harder to write with Adam away. Sort of using this like a journal or a diary this week! I’ll try to post something more relevant and interesting tomorrow 🙂

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Baby,

Adam calls me honey (although he always writes it “hunny”), sweetie, boo, baby, and occasionally, woman. That last one is a signal he’s annoyed or frustrated with me! Boo is the most common one, followed by Hunny. There’s something about Baby that I’ve noticed. He mostly calls me that when he’s comforting me. Maybe that’s why it means so much when he refers to me as Baby? That one always hits me different. Boo is the way he addresses me out loud. Hunny is most texts, with an occasional Sweetie thrown in. Baby is deeper. It’s what he calls me when he’s doing his best to make me feel safe, loved, and know he hears me and he’s here for me. He’s not annoyed. He’s not asking me for anything. He isn’t simply chatting about the weather. No, when he calls me Baby, he’s pulling me into his arms and holding me tight, whether he’s physically present or not. I miss him like crazy, but every text with Baby in it makes my heart happy.

It’s been years now, but sometimes, when he was away, we would send each other naughty texts. I’m considering it. Maybe I’ll tell him everything I’m going to do when he’s back and talk about all the things I want him to do to me. Maybe I’ll step it up a notch and just try phone sex? He’s much better at that stuff than I am, but it’s worth a shot!

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Adam

Have I adequately described who my husband is on here? He’s easy on the eyes, of course I may be biased, but plenty of evidence has shown I’m not alone in my thinking. There’s always a girl when we’re out who’s trying to get too close to my man. I’m not the jealous type. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home with me. He never hides the fact that he’s happily married, either. He’s got great hair, although it’s thinned in the back the last few years and he’s self conscious about it. He has a beard and I love it. He has perfect teeth. A sexy voice. He is a big sports guy, particularly football. He was a local hometown football hero in high school and went on to play college football. He’s super outgoing and friendly. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like him. Although, it’s always crazy to see or hear him at work because he’s kind of a hard ass there. One of his old co workers dated my best friend for awhile and he questioned her “Adam is kind of mean! Is he like that at home with her??” Of course her answer was “NOO. He’s wrapped around her finger.” He’s never raised his voice to me, ever. He gets upset, angry even sometimes, but never mean and always calm. He is a man of his word, and everyone who knows him knows that. He’s about 6’1”, so nearly an entire foot taller than me. He’s strong and stays in shape. I’ve only seen him lose an arm wrestling match once, and he’s always being challenged. We once did one of those “punch measuring” machines where you punch the bag and it measures how hard you hit it. He won, but I actually beat out a couple of the guys…gotta brag on me for a minute here quick, too 😉

Adam works harder than anyone I’ve known. He knew from the start that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he’s always made that possible for me. He doesn’t like to sit still very often. Our favorite TV show was “Sons of Anarchy” and he would sit and watch that every week with me. Our daughter was born on the premier of one of the seasons and we watched from the hospital that night! He enjoys a beer or two, but doesn’t get drunk. I’ve never seen him hit anyone before. A couple of times, he’s made it known he would if an idiot didn’t knock it off, but it’s never come to that. He’s never out looking for a fight with anyone. He absolutely loves his GMC Duramax pickup truck. He’s bought me every vehicle I’ve wanted. He didn’t even see our new home until we came to sign papers and get the keys. My best friend and I came to look at some houses and this one was “it”. He asked me “Is it your dream house? Is it what you want?” When I said yes, that was all he needed. He told them go ahead with the offer on it. He has loved me through some very rough shit. Some of it I put him through with my own stupidity. Some of it was just life. His college roommate committed suicide in his room and that’s haunted him to this day wondering, why didn’t I see any signs? His dad passed away of cancer the day before our wedding. His best friend passed away from cancer at 26 years old, just months after his dad. His mom is amazing. I love her so much! He has brothers. One has a small business and the other is a pilot for a regional airline. He is a great big softie when it comes to babies and baby animals, just like me. We are considering fostering children soon. We have the space and the love, so we have talked a lot about it recently.

Adam is a little more involved in the political world than I prefer to be. He’s not hateful or in any way racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. but he’s more “conservative” than I consider myself. He quit using tobacco just about 2 months ago and I’m soooo proud of him for it! He loves my cooking. I pack him lunch and snacks for work everyday, too. The guy can eat! I don’t know how he puts down so much food and stays looking like he does.

Adam is away for work this week. The first time he’s ever been gone for an entire week. I miss him like crazy. He left yesterday morning and I sent him a text about 5 minutes after he pulled away saying “I changed my mind. I don’t think you should go.” I was obviously kidding. I can’t make him stay, as much as I’d have loved to. He doesn’t want to be away anymore than I want him to be. The kids and I are eating lots of macaroni and cheese, homemade pizza, and ice cream sundaes this week since it’s just us. My son has to be the little “man of the house” while his daddy’s away so he’s responsible for cutting the grass and making sure trash gets put out on the curb for trash day. He’s so sweet, loves to take care of his mama and sister. Adam is teaching him well 🙂

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Tattoos & Scars

Reading my story and my thoughts here, I wonder what you picture? A buttoned up, uber conservative, straight laced, “Olivia Walton” type? For the record, The Waltons is one of my favorite TV shows. I am certainly no Olivia, though. I’m an adrenaline junkie. I love driving fast cars, water sports, riding horses, riding on the back of a motorcycle, cliff diving, rip cord jumping. I own several guns, and I’m a real good shot. I have tattoos. One on the inside of my arm between my wrist and elbow that my brother and sister got matching. One just above my hip for Adam (pictured above), and one on my back for my kids. In what seems like a whole lifetime ago, I was an addict. My biggest insecurity is my boobs. Babies and breastfeeding has left me where I’m looking to have them fixed. I have a 144 IQ, but was always complimented for my looks, never my intelligence. “Music City” is my home, where country music reigns. I do enjoy me some good country hits, but I also have lots of rap, hip hop, hard rock, and classic rock on my playlists. The most relaxing thing I can do is to get in my car, turn up a good song on my kick ass car stereo and drive around the city. My favorite artists are local independent ones. We actually live minutes from a couple of great artists. Jelly Roll has been my current favorite on my playlist, although Upchurch “How Can You Blame Us” is a great representation of Nashvillians. We’re good friends with a few local singer/songwriters and we all get together and sit outside in a circle while a bunch of us play guitar and sing songs. I don’t curse everyday, but I do occasionally throw an appropriate fuck, shit, damn or hell into a sentence. I’m a bit of a neat freak. I like things to be in their place. I can be a procrastinator, as I’ve written about here. I am very sassy. Not in a rude way, mostly, but more of a silly, funny sassy. I will always fiercely defend my family and friends. I’ve lost my shit on 2 people in my life. One sorry excuse for a man who beat the hell out of my best friend. I’m 5’2” and about 95 pounds, but he ran his mouth as we were about to pull away after I’d come to get her out of there. I didn’t even put my car in park. I jumped over my best friend sitting in the passenger seat and out the car window and proceeded to punch him and slap him repeatedly. In retrospect, I suppose what saved me from retaliation was the fact that he knew who my husband was and what he’d do to him if he hurt me. The other time was a sorry excuse for a woman who was inebriated and angry and picked up a shoe and threw it right at my then 3 year old daughter. Yep, Adam had to tear me off that crazy bitch. I don’t like to fight, and it takes a LOT to get me that angry, but I ain’t afraid to scrap. My mom is not in our lives. I wrote a little on here about her and I said she passed away, or we “lost her”. We did lose her, but she didn’t die. She is an addict and it got so bad that we had to step away for ours and our children’s safety. She did a lot of cruel and unbelievable things to me, and I’m not healed enough to talk much about it yet. My dad is the best human on this earth. I am so blessed to have him and so are my kids. My dad is also semi famous. Locally, very well known, but also many folks around the world know who he is. I’m a Christian, but I am not religious. One of my closest friends is a lesbian. My sister has dated both men and women. The God I pray to would not condemn them to hell because of who they love. I’m not that kind of Christian. I certainly don’t believe that every marriage should look like mine does, either. I’ll never judge anyone for living out their relationships the way they’re meant to. Politically, I suppose I’m somewhere in the middle, libertarian leaning area. I love my country and have several family members currently serving in our armed forces. I don’t want war. I love my 2A rights, but I hate the violence. I was raped by a cop in my early 20s who ultimately only got demoted for it. Despite this, I don’t hate all cops. I want us to do a better job of holding bad ones accountable. I don’t appreciate having to pay $5 a gallon for gas, but I don’t want to support evil leaders who torment their own people just so that we can get some of their oil for cheap. Where does this put me? Who knows? I guess I’m kind of a “don’t tread on me” kinda gal. I’m not uninformed, I’m just aware that I don’t have all the answers. I’m a pretty good cook. I enjoy coming up with new recipes and feeding my family home cooked meals every night. I don’t love baking so much, though. Summer is my favorite season, by far. Gerber daisies, particularly the orange ones, are my favorite flowers. I’m a dog person, but I don’t dislike cats. I especially have a soft spot for pit bulls. Our youngest dog is a pit/lab mix. We have 2 dogs and one cat. Even our cat is trained to do high fives, “beg”, sit, lay down, and wave. My daughter had 2 pet “dumbo” rats. One of them passed away last month. They’re over 2 years old, so in rat years, old men. I don’t like to kill anything, even flies. I feel guilty if I have to do it. I am a fan of most insects and not afraid to let them crawl on me. Large spiders and snakes are my only nemesis. I’m a beer drinking kinda girl. I’ve never much cared for wine or any of the sweet stuff. I like to think I’m a pretty good Mama. Our kids are easy, well behaved kids. And clearly, I am absolutely, madly in love with my husband.

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The Belt Got Some Use

A lot of people will scream when they’re startled, or especially scared. You get up in the middle of the night, round the corner, and bump into someone who shouldn’t be there. Many people would scream in that instance. Me? I freeze. I always go mute when I’m startled by something unexpected. This is also something I do when a spanking is starting to really hurt. I yelp and give an “owwwwie” to playful swats and even the first of the not so playful ones. Once it starts to be actually painful, I rarely make any sound. I wonder if that’s weird? Adam knows me very well, and he definitely knows this about me, so I’m sure it has helped to guide him in how effective he’s being during discipline. He was in a much better mood last night, although I was already feeling a little sad knowing he’s going to be leaving soon. Not grouchy, just more quiet than usual I suppose. At bedtime, after our typical routine, I was just rounding my side of the bed, about to get into bed, when Adam came up behind me. He told me he wanted to get a little use out of the belt he’d left laying on the floor all week. He spun me around to face him and I instinctively threw my arms around his neck. He started to spank me with the belt and I did my yelping after the first few swats with it. He was smiling and I was giggling too. Then, he gave me one good one and I immediately stopped making noise and grabbed him even tighter. That was his clear signal that that one had hurt. He laid me down on the bed and used his belt to tie my hands above my head so he could explore me with his hands and eyes. We made love and I spent the night tucked into his arms. I’m as sexual a being as my husband is. I don’t know how I’m going to make it a whole week without feeling him on top of me, inside of me. I fully intend to make the most out of our last night together before he leaves. I love to feel the places he’s been on and in my body ache the next day just enough to remind me that Adam was here.

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7 Long Days

Adam is going to be out of town for work soon. He has to leave this Saturday and won’t be back home until the following weekend. We’ve never had to be separated for that long. A couple of days here and there, but even then, I miss him like crazy! I imagine this next week will feel like an eternity.

Adam had a rough day yesterday, so I was very glad that I had done all the things I’d agreed to. I didn’t add any fuel to his fire. He has always been so good at coming home and not bringing his troubles with him. Even so, I could feel his frustrations. My vacuum cleaner had gotten clogged with something while I was cleaning, so he worked on that. A napkin was the culprit. I’d been using the hose behind and around furniture and it appeared someone had dropped a napkin where it didn’t belong. I’d prepared a very southern meal for us. Smothered pork chops, green bean casserole, and macaroni and cheese. Despite my cooking, miraculously, no one in our home is overweight 😆 So, I spent the rest of the evening quietly cleaning the kitchen and giving Adam some space to relax and recover from a long day that hadn’t gone so good.

By the time we went to bed, Adam had shaken his bad mood. I felt a little sad that he was leaving in just a few days and we’d had a whole evening with very little conversation or silliness. I’m hoping that tonight we can get “back to” us again.

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Respect VS Fear, Punishment VS Discipline

I finished writing this one today, and since I’m bored, I thought I’ll go ahead and post another for y’all. It’s a rainy, dreary day here so I’ve been writing and finishing some blog posts 🙂

I was contemplating about the differences between respect and fear. While both have the potential to change someone’s behaviors, the motivation is so very different. When you fear someone, you are acting out of genuine, anxiety riddled, fear at the thought of what they might do. Likely, because they’ve done it before. Maybe you fear a dog who has bitten more than once. People fear an abusive spouse, parent, etc. They stay within the boundaries their tyrant has set for them because they know that stepping outside those lines equals terror inducing “punishment”. Days are spent walking on eggshells, fearing what their tyrant is going to say or do next.

Respect is much different. When you respect someone, you are acknowledging that they are worthy and deserving of your respect. They have shown you time and again they’re worthy and have earned your willingness to listen, share, open yourself up to them. In the case of a husband and wife, a wife respects her husband because he has shown himself to be a dependable provider and protector. She submits to him, not out of fear, but out of genuine respect. Yes, there are boundaries, but your protector is there to keep you safe. He might correct you, or “discipline”, but the motivation is key. Being chastised in love is very different from being beaten up mentally, physically, or emotionally by a hateful tyrant. Adam honors me as his wife and as the mother of his children everyday when he puts our needs first. The very best way to show my appreciation is to be respectful toward him.

When I have to confess something to Adam, I sometimes use the word “afraid”. I might tell him “I was afraid to tell you this…”. The truth is, I do not in any way fear him. He has never shown himself to be a bully or tyrant. He isn’t unreasonable or unkind, even when I’ve really screwed up. I know that the things he does, whether I enjoy it or not, are always because he is working to guide, love, and protect me.

It’s such a blessing to find someone who always has your very best interests at heart. Someone you fear, is someone who is selfish. Someone you respect, is someone who is giving and often selfless.

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Sorry, Not Sorry

First, I’m happy to report that I’ve been checking all the “to do’s” off my list this week. 🙂

I was thinking this morning about some times when I’ve spoken to Adam in a horribly disrespectful way, especially in front of other people. It’s such a mystery to even me, but there are moments when I’m saying things and I recognize they’re not appropriate or respectful, but I simply cannot, or will not, stop myself. I never think of it as a “test” for Adam or anything like that. I literally am not sorry for the things coming out of my mouth in the moment. I might be angry, or I might be attempting to convince Adam exactly why I’m right and he’s wrong and in my head I’m saying “He is so stupid sometimes. How can he not know how right I am? He knows I’m right. He is picking a fight. It’s his fault. Im not overreacting one bit.” It can literally be days before I might look back and acknowledge just how irrational and reactionary I had been in that moment. It is almost always the dumbest crap, too! Arguing over how many miles it is to somewhere. Seriously, that was one of the things I refused to back down on once in a conversation with some friends. Adam said it was X miles to somewhere and I insisted he was wrong, it’s only Y miles. It mattered absolutely zero who was right. I couldn’t just let it go, though. I look back and recognize how I belittled and disrespected my husband acting like I did. I know I was wrong to do that. And I wonder, why? Why do I still have days or moments when I absolutely cannot stop myself from being an insufferable bitch? As deeply as I desire to respect, obey, submit to Adam…I fail. I truly can’t say that I have a tight grasp on the why of it all. I think maybe I am subconsciously “testing” him? Maybe I’m just a bitch sometimes? Maybe I feel a strong desire for Adam to stand up to me, stand up for himself, to demand more respect, and to let me know that he is still in charge? Maybe deep down I want reassurance that he can and will take me away, bend me over, and spank me like the child I’m behaving like? Maybe I’m more afraid he won’t do anything? Maybe I’m wondering if he even wants to bother with me? Does he figure I’m worth it? Maybe I am alone in my desires for a husband who wishes to be the leader in his family and he’s given up? Maybe I’m too much? As I already said here, I can’t exactly say why I get those occasional moments when I have very little, if any, self restraint. I do know that the very worst thing my husband could do is to do nothing. That I’m certain of. There is something so primal and so sexy about knowing your man loves you enough to keep you inside the lines y’all have drawn together. Maybe I don’t see it at the time, but I really am just feeling out of control and desperately need for him to set me right again. I have my own insecurities like all humans do. I suspect I’m not alone here. It isn’t something talked about often, but it’s real life, at least for me it is. I sing Adam’s praises here, and he seriously is fucking amazing. But, I am definitely guilty of forgetting that every once in awhile and I wind up convincing myself again of all the reasons I can think of as to why he is not going to do a thing if I act out on my bitchy mood, because, he doesn’t really care that much anymore anyway.

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Maintenance/Warning Spanking

I know many many men and women use what is called “maintenance” spankings and also practice “warning” spankings. Maintenance is to remind us who is in charge and what will happen if we forget that. Adam has never really done that. He slaps my behind many times daily, playfully. Sometimes it stings a little, but certainly not on the same level as when I’m actually getting a deserved spanking. He’s also never done anything like a reminder or warning spanking. I believe this is to be done before a situation where you’ve been known to slip up occurs. A warning or a reminder to behave. All of this to say, it appears he’s taken on the latter one of these types now, 13 years into our marriage.

To start at the beginning, I did call the pest control company as I said I would do. Unfortunately, I was told the lady who handles the billing was on vacation and wouldn’t be back until the following day. The man I spoke with asked me to call back tomorrow and ask for Jenny. “Ok, great.” I thought, “Now I have to tell Adam this issue was not, in fact, resolved.” I knew that I could explain and that Adam would trust what I said. I wanted to back up what I said as well, though. So, I sent him a screenshot of the phone call I’d made and texted the situation to him. He was proud of me for making the call, but reminded me to make sure to call again the next day since we didn’t get our issue corrected with them. I assured him that I would call back the following day. All was well.

We had a nice evening. It rained and thundered for a solid hour while we ate supper and we all enjoyed the sounds because it had been a very long time since we’d heard or seen a good rain here. It was a quiet, relaxing evening with no lectures or looks from Adam. When it was time for bed, we both do our bedtime routine. Adam brushes his teeth while I unmake the bed and set aside the throw pillows. Then I brush my teeth, put lotion on, chapstick, and usually throw on one of his t shirts from his dresser to wear as a nightgown to bed. By this time, Adam is almost always waiting for me in bed. So, I climb into bed and snuggle into his waiting arms. He asked me what all was on my agenda for tomorrow. I told him about an appointment for our daughter at a doctor nearly an hour from us that I need to take her to as well as making the repeat phone call to our darned pest control company. He reminded me that I will need to go and get our car tags renewed on Wednesday. I had this pit in my stomach. I’m not afraid to be honest with Adam. It’s very cathartic to know I can share any and everything with him and get it all out so I don’t have to carry the weight of anything by myself. So, I told him the truth. “I’m real nervous that I won’t get it done on Wednesday. I want to do it. I want to make you proud. I’m just not sure how motivated I’m going to be on Wednesday to have to go through all of that after having to drive to [our daughter’s] appointment tomorrow.” Adam was quiet for a second, contemplating. His hand continued to softly caress my arm like he’d been doing this whole time. Finally, he speaks. He says that he thinks he knows how to motivate me. He sits up in bed and pulls me over his lap, lifts the t shirt I’m wearing and pulls my panties down, and spanks me with his hand. It wasn’t as hard or as long as the last time he’d spanked me, but it stung. When it was over, he pulled me back down to lay in his arms. He pointed to his belt, still lying on the floor from the weekend, and said that tomorrow he would motivate me with that if he needed to. Then, he took my hand and placed it over the left side of his bare chest. He asked me “Do you feel that? This is yours. You have all of my heart and I will never hurt you. Maybe your behind sometimes, but I will never do anything to hurt you. I love you.”

I understand that I’ve been neglecting a lot of things I needed to do, and he is only helping me to get back on track. I realize that everything he does, everything he says, is because he is loving, protecting, and providing for me to the very best of his abilities. I respect it. I accept it. I am grateful.

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Monday

Well, today is Monday. Adam asked me last night to tell him again what I was going to get done today. I told him I would call the pest control company. He asked me, “what else?” I knew he meant the car tags, so I gave a long dramatic “ughhhhh”. I argued (sweetly, because I can be very persuasive when I want to be) that Mondays are the worst days to go to places like the DMV. Those are their busiest days. He thought about it and told me he would give me til Wednesday to get the tags renewed. So now, I’ve technically got until he gets home from work on Wednesday to make that trip. However, he has left the belt he brought out on Friday night right there on the floor on my side of our bed and told me to leave it there because it would be a good reminder to make sure I get these things done. Every morning when I get out of bed, when I make our bed, and when we go to bed, it’s right there. I haven’t called our pest control company just yet, but it’s still morning here, so I have some time to knock that off my list. I truly don’t ignore my duties in our home just for the hell of it. I don’t do it to push Adam’s buttons. I don’t do it to be a stubborn and unreliable wife. I occasionally go through periods of time when I find it incredibly hard to make myself do chores that involve dealing with strangers. I can’t quite explain it. I’m normally very outgoing and social. There are just times when I find it nearly impossible. I also understand that Adam doesn’t get up early every morning excited for another long day at work. He doesn’t feel like doing all of the things he has to get done, either. So I know that my actions seem childish and irresponsible. I am fully intending to make this phone call today. It may be this afternoon, but I want to get it done because I do not want to feel that belt on my behind tonight. I want to make Adam proud and have a quiet, relaxing evening with him tonight. Disappointing him is just about the worst feeling in the entire world for me. Tomorrow, I will report back and fully intend to write about how I did do the things I said I’d do 🙂

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Unashamed

This weekend, we had some friends drive down to see us. The kids got to play with his daughter and his older son and daughter hung out with us out back playing cornhole and “water pong”. That’s beer pong but with water in the cups and nobody has to drink. It’s been a lot of fun.

This morning, I’m reflecting on things and thought about how open we are with most everyone in our lives. I see many couples who practice some form of DD who feel they have to quietly shield their family and friends from that aspect of their relationships. We certainly don’t share everything with everybody, but Adam makes shameless comments like “you want another spanking?” He slapped my behind yesterday (playfully) and asked if it still hurt. Our friends were around, and nobody ever seems to think a thing of it. He’s only ever really spanked me once in front of my best friend, years ago. Even then, I was fully clothed and it was just several quick hard swats. My best friend was over a couple of days ago and I’d told her about the things I’d been procrastinating on and that I was pretty sure Adam was going to punish me. The thing is, in all other relationships I have with family and friends, I’m the strong one. I’m the one they lean on. I’m the one who has to keep it together when stuff happens. Adam is the only person on this earth who I submit to and can always count on to have my back when stuff goes bad. My friends and family see me as a strong and capable woman. They look to me when they need help. They understand that Adam is my husband, that I am under only his authority, and that’s never taken away any of the respect they have for me. I think our men friends actually treat me more respectfully knowing that Adam takes my well being very very seriously, so they’ll also be answering to him if anything happens while I’m with them. It’s a security that’s hard to explain in words, but I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone. I love my husband. I’m not afraid to let everyone know that I respect him. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that this is how we do things in our home.

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I Screwed Up

We’ve had a lot of changes the last several months. Adam and I bought a big beautiful house a little further outside the city in a quiet neighborhood with some great new neighbors. Our kids love our new home and their new schools. Adam now has about a 40 minute drive into work everyday, so that part isn’t so fun, but otherwise, we’re all very happy here.

I didn’t have much to report on here for quite some time. I’m normally very positive and energetic and happy to get things done. Recently, I’ve not been so energetic about doing certain things. Our car tags need renewed, and have needed it for months now. I have a large amount of cash I’ve been meaning to put in our bank account, but haven’t gotten around to. I need to call our pest control company because they billed us wrong. And, I was late paying a bill that simply wasn’t paid because I had to make phone calls and go through all that automated crap until you finally get to a human and I just…didn’t feel like it. I actually confessed about the late bill before Adam found out. He was super understanding and wasn’t angry, but he told me to make sure I got it done the next day (it was late evening when I told him). He also mentioned calling the pest control company. I even gave him a “yes sir”. The next day (yesterday) I did get that bill paid, however I was in a hurry because I had plans to meet up with my sister and take the kids swimming and she was waiting for me. By the time I got myself and kids ready, I needed to get going. I thought “It’s fine. I’ll just make the phone call when we get back home.” Well, by the time we got home it was after 5:00 and I figured they were closed anyway now. I assumed I could use that as my excuse anyway. When Adam got home, he asked me about this and I told him exactly what I’d planned to tell him about not getting home in time. He actually asked me to show him on my phone where I had attempted to call them. I couldn’t, because I hadn’t attempted to. He questioned why I hadn’t done it that morning. I had no good answer. He pulled out one of my wooden spoons from the kitchen counter and swatted my behind a handful of times. The kids and dogs started coming to my rescue and trying to take the spoon or get new ones to spank their dad with. They figure we’re just playing, like he often does when he swats my backside in the kitchen. Things settle down and I begin to get supper ready. Adam comes in and then starts to ask about the car tags and a few other things I’d been meaning to get done. I told him “you’ve already spanked me now, so you can’t get mad”. He says “Ohhh no. That was just a warm up until the kids are in bed.” Let me say, my heart skips a beat hearing that! This whole time, Adam has been very calm and even grinning at me while I’m trying to talk my way out of it. There’s no real anger coming from him, although I know he isn’t happy with me. Later on, we went out on the deck and each had a drink. We talked and laughed. Then, he starts to bring up everything I’d been trying to avoid again. He very gently asked me “What’s going on with you?” “This isn’t like you.” I admitted that I’ve truthfully, just been lazy. I don’t want to do some of that stuff, so I procrastinate. After about half an hour of the third lecture in a row I’d gotten for the same things, he said he was ready for bed. We brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. When I came out of our bathroom, he was already laying in bed. I wasn’t sure what to expect. In a complete surprise move, he made love to me! When we’re finished, he gets up and puts on his basketball shorts, walks over to our bedroom door and locks it, and then goes into our closet. I can hear what he’s doing. He’s taking one of his belts off the hook. I’m sitting up in bed, wide eyed, waiting for what I’m sure is to come. He says “we need to get this over with”, sits on the bed, and turns me over. I then see him throw his belt down on the floor just below the view I had from my position before I start feeling spank after spank after spank on my bottom. He was only using his hand, but it hurt! I have no idea how many times his hand came down on my sore behind before it was over. I don’t think it could’ve been more than a few minutes, realistically, but it felt like he was never going to stop. Finally, no more spanks. He pulls me up and lays down next to me. I lay my head on his shoulder, and we both fall asleep. He woke me up two separate times throughout the night to initiate sex. Today, I have a sore behind, sore lady parts, and a renewed respect and admiration for my husband. He did mention to me later when I saw the belt still laying on the floor, “Next time I get that out, I won’t be playing.” I think I’ve been well enough motivated to get some shit done on Monday now.

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What’s in it for Me?

I have probably discussed this in some form already here, but I’ve been thinking about the things that Adam has brought into our marriage and how I now feel I couldn’t possibly live happily without them.

Just what do I get out of my relationship with my take charge, alpha husband? So, so much. The trust we’ve built didn’t happen overnight, but it has developed so beautifully into this deep and solid security knowing that Adam is never going to leave me stranded, alone, or afraid. I can be confident that, no matter what mess I find myself in, I won’t be stuck there by myself. There is also such a relief that comes from the well deserved spankings that I can count on. The guilt, the sadness, the remorse, the frustrations, it sort of readjusts my attitude in a way that makes me feel certain that Adam will be helping to right my wrongs. I feel confident that everything will be ok. I can let go of anger and hurt I’ve put out there. There is a tremendous relief that comes from all of these assurances. Life can get hard. Sometimes, it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. For me, though, I never have to carry a burden by myself. In fact, most often, Adam completely removes from my shoulders all of the weight I carried. Im not a naturally “submissive” person. It took time for me to have this confidence I do now. I used to refuse to give over any of my problems or worries for fear that they wouldn’t be handled right, or would be made worse somehow. It takes a hefty heap of trust to take the passenger seat and allow your partner to figure out where you’re going, and how you’re going to get there. None of this means that I’m never in the “driver’s seat” for myself. Of course I’m capable, willing, and happy to tackle many things on my own. It’s the big stuff I’m talking about. The stuff that keeps you up at night worrying. The stuff that makes your stomach tie in knots. There is such a beautiful thing that happened for me when I finally allowed myself to give Adam these worries. The better I got at sharing my problems, the better he got at helping to solve them. I truly believe it takes real strength to follow your partner, especially in the beginning. The uncertainty about whether and how he’ll go about leading. Questioning every move he makes for awhile. It’s amazing what happens when you finally just step back and have a little faith in him ❤️

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Self Discipline

Apparently, my recent trips across Adam’s lap have revived my ability to self censor my words and choices beautifully. Twice over the last week, I’ve felt that burning desire to say something disrespectful because I was frustrated and didn’t agree with his opinion on the matter. Twice, I have crept up toward crossing the line, and twice, I stopped myself before I got there.

Last night, I passionately disagreed with something. I’m vehemently against sharing personal information with anyone without a darned good reason. By “personal information”, I mean things as simple as giving PetCo my phone number. But, I also am talking about allowing any company to access my medical or financial records, etc. Our health insurance company suddenly required a crazy ridiculous amount of crap to verify our eligibility for Blue Cross. We’ve never had to provide such documents before now, and we’ve always had health coverage. They wanted our birth certificates, our children’s birth certificates, our marriage license…which I was already reluctant about until I heard good reasons for these things. Those documents prove that we are married and our children are ours. I guess I get that, but it’s strange all of the sudden to require things we’ve never been asked for before. It isn’t just us, either. Adam’s entire company asked this of every employee. After providing all of that, they then wanted a copy of our TAX RETURN. Why, pray tell? Well, according to the first representative I spoke to, it is required to show that Adam is not insuring his sister or a relative masquerading as his wife. Ok, but…. they have our marriage license. And they have our birth certificates. Our parents are not the same people. They have our kid’s birth certificates, proving their father and mother are, indeed, Adam and I. I argued these points and they then said it was to verify Adam and I live at the same address. I said, mail me a letter and I’ll mail it back to ya then! Besides all that, we’re clearly married, what difference does it truly make whether we live at the same address as each other? Which, of course, we do. It’s the principle of it all that grinds my gears so badly. They were willing to accept a joint bank statement with our names, address, and the date printed on it. I took the time to edit our statement to block access to our account number, our credits and debits, and our balance because it’s frankly, none of their damn business. Adam was perfectly willing all along to fax our health insurance providers all of the information they asked for, but I clearly wasn’t. This is where I get to report on how well I handled my disagreement, despite having such a guttural reaction to being violated so personally, for reasons that make no sense to me. I did not raise my voice. I did not curse as I explained my position on the matter. I calmly, but very seriously, laid out my reasoning and opinions. This was when Adam finally picked up the phone and called them. This is how we finally resolved the issue by turning over a bank statement with personal information blocked out, rather than our freakin’ income tax return.

I’m sure this will seem petty to some folks. I know I’m a little overboard at protecting my privacy. I won’t allow anything to be handed over without definite and clear reasons to do so. That’s just who I am. I guess I have some trust issues with the world, but can you blame me? Look at how many people are devastated because of leaked personal information! Surely, I’m not completely alone in feeling the way I do. Either way, this was our most recent disagreement, and I think I handled myself well. After we’d finished dealing with Blue Cross, Adam pulled me into his arms. For a brief moment, I was afraid he was about to give my behind some attention. Instead, he hugged me and told me he was proud of me and thanked me for not losing my cool. He might not agree with the extent at which I protect myself from prying eyes, but he understood that this was something I feel strongly about and is important to keeping me feeling safe. We worked it out. Although, I’m still super annoyed about the supposed reasoning for the request from Blue Cross, I’m fully content with my husband and we managed to stay on the same team through it all. ❤️

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Danger ⚠️

When we talk about the 4 Ds (disobedience, disrespect, disobedience, and danger), I almost never do anything in the “dangerous” category. I’m pretty responsible and love my family way too much to do anything that puts them at risk in some way. I need to be a good example to my children, too. I wear my seatbelt always. I never text and drive. I don’t always go exactly the speed limit, but never had a speeding ticket and always go along with the flow of traffic at about 5-10 miles over the limit. Danger is just not normally something that gets me into trouble. Except yesterday. Curiosity got me, I did something stupid, and I knew better.

There’s one guy in our neighborhood who hangs with some shady characters. One of which, has been in a lot of trouble lately for things like stalking, domestic abuse, harassment, threats, and then last weekend, he ended up having the police and an ambulance take him out of the yard due to suicidal/homocidal threats. We were out back at our house and witnessed all of this, and spoke to our neighbor after the they had left so we learned all the details. Well, after he returned, both our neighbor and Mr dangerous walked across the back yards into ours and Adam kicked Mr dangerous off our property. Told him he needs help. Go get help. But stay away from his family.

This brings us to yesterday’s incident. The day before yesterday, we were informed that Mr danger had been to court and then put in jail. When I saw him over at neighbor’s just the very next day, I was curious. I walked over and made some small talk because I wanted to hear Mr dangerous side of things. Everything I’d heard was second and third person. How did he get out of jail? Why was he actually even sent to jail? It was stupid. I don’t know why I cared. I was out in my back yard with our puppy and saw Mr danger and our neighbor and, at the time, it seemed like a good idea to go chat them up. By now, y’all can probably see where this is going…

I was only gone for about 45 minutes, and Adam doesn’t usually get home from work until later. Yesterday, of course, he happened to be home early. I walked in the back door and bumped right into him. He asked me where I was. I told him, over at the neighbor’s house. He asked who was there. I knew he knew the answer to that question, and it was only then that I stopped to realize I had gone so far over the line. Adam made it clear he doesn’t want this guy around his family. I didn’t respect that. I disobeyed. I disrespected. And I was crossing the line right into dangerous. I typically get defensive when these things happen, even when I know I’m not going to win. I tried to downplay the situation. It didn’t work. Then, I tried admitting it was wrong and apologizing. It didn’t prevent me from being punished, though. I can go for months without getting spanked for punishment. I have somehow managed to find myself bent over my husband’s knees, crying and begging, twice in just the last week or so. This was also the first time he’s ever used his belt on me during a serious spanking. That sucker HURTS like HELL! I screwed up. It wasn’t undeserved. But, my gosh I’m fixing to be on my very best behavior for at least awhile because I don’t want that belt ever again.

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Love Hurts

Adam and I had a big argument a couple of weeks ago. It all started when a neighbor asked Adam if he would be interested in buying his zero turn lawn mower and named the price. Adam said yes, he was interested and I immediately started to fume!! We don’t have a yard so big here that we need a darned mower like that, AND there’s been some uncertainty around Adam’s company and its future, post corona. I felt it was extremely irresponsible to go spending thousands of dollars on a completely UNnecessary piece of yard equipment. I got a little dramatic because I said, to Adam and our neighbor “seriously? We don’t even know for sure you’re going to have a job next week, but you’re interested in a lawn mower??” I could instantly see on Adam’s face this mixture of hurt and anger. Rather than drop it, however, I continued to make my opinions clear in ways that (admittedly) belittled my husband. There are these rage fueled moments where I do and say things so out of character for me. It’s almost as if I have temporarily lost control of my own mouth.

After our neighbor left, supper was ready. We ate with the kids and my dad and then went our separate ways. Adam went out back to sit and I went downstairs to wallow in my still simmering frustrations. That’s when I decided it was a good idea to text my husband and let him really know how I felt. (As if that hadn’t been done enough at this point.) I wasn’t exactly respectful or considerate in my texts either. Adam responded with a short text back that read “I will do whatever the fuck I want to. I have never let you or the kids down. Enough.” Well, it wasn’t quite enough for me yet. More heated messages were sent from my phone to him, but no more were received on mine. We ended up going to bed ignoring each other that night. I hate that, but I’m also incredibly stubborn and, when I’m in a mood, I just can’t give up that easily.

About 24 hours later, Adam called me to our bedroom and I repeated my own frustrations while he listened patiently. When I was finished, he told me how embarrassed he was when I said that about his work because he’s always made good money and works very hard. I emasculated him. Having him describe how it hurt to hear me say those things snapped me out of the trance I’d been in. I realized how cruel and insensitive I had been with my words. I knew I had a spanking coming, but I also felt I had earned it.

The catharsis that comes after my husband pulls me over his knee and spanks me to tears is the very reason I’m totally on board with this DD thing. I also had a realization that I shared with Adam later. Every single time I’ve acted that way towards him, there was fear and insecurity brewing in me. It’s like there’s a little man on my shoulder telling me “he doesn’t got you”, “Remember when he screwed up that time?”, “YOU need to take charge because he isn’t going to lead well in this situation.” I begin to doubt Adam and his ability to provide and protect our family. I start refusing to submit in an effort to prove to myself just how right that little man on my shoulder is about Adam’s inabilities and failures. For that moment, I lose the trust and faith that make up the very foundation of our marriage. I need Adam to remind me he’s got this. I need him to take a good hold on the reigns and put me back in the passenger seat. I need him to punish me, and then to forgive me so that we can both move forward. Then, I can finally settle into the cozy place where I feel most at peace, right next to my husband.

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Dependants Day!

I’m laying by the pool, watching my kids splash in the water. I’ve got a nice tan started and a couple new bikini swimsuits to wear. Every afternoon that it’s not raining, I go out to the pool and swim with the kids for awhile and then lay out on a floatie in the water or a lounge chair by the pool and work on my tan. I am so incredibly blessed…spoiled even.

I have been hurting this last year and life hasn’t been this carefree every moment. Any second now, something will come along to slap me out of my happy bubble. I’m not exaggerating how difficult it’s been. I might be focusing too much on that, though. As I sit here by the pool, I’m reminded just how good I still have it. I text Adam a picture of the kids splashing and asked him how his day is going. He wrote back “HOT. It’s hot as hell!” Adam will tease me about lounging by the pool all day, but he knows I also keep up with all the things I need to get done at home and with the kids. He’s not really angry that I get to swim on a hot afternoon. I actually think he’s proud that his wife and kids can have a fun summer swimming and playing outside. He’s proud that he is able to provide for our family and allow me to be here with our kids everyday. He’s a great husband and daddy. I sure do have it made. Despite the issues I can’t escape, I still have a pretty fantastic life.

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[How to] Give him back his pants

Submission is a gift. I wouldn’t say I was naturally “submissive” before I met Adam. Adam had a confidence that sort of commanded that those close to him follow his lead. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made in the beginning to submit to my husband. The words submit and obey still leave a bad taste in my mouth when I say them out loud. I think society teaches girls that submitting to and obeying a man is to betray womankind altogether. Women fought so hard for equal rights, for the same opportunities as men. I’m absolutely for those things. I chose this man I’m married to. I chose to allow him to lead when I followed him from the start. Some women are born leaders. Some men are submissive. We’re all in charge of our own destiny. I wouldn’t suggest that everyone reading this should think the way I do. I’m only speaking for myself and my relationship. Having said all of that, if you find you’re frustrated with your significant other because they aren’t getting things done, aren’t standing up for you, aren’t throwing you down on the bed and conquering you like you’re the only thing they’ve ever wanted, I have some ideas that might help.

Number 1. Decide you’re going to let go of your need to be in control. If you’re afraid to let him call the plumber about the leaky faucet because he won’t pick the right guy for the job, he won’t be able to explain the problem as well as you, he will just get overcharged…etc. Give him the opportunity to do it his way. Adam never loads the dishwasher my way, but if he loads the dishwasher, and the dishes get done, who cares! Don’t wait expectantly for him to fail either. If he doesn’t get it right, give him the chance to fix his own mistake. If he loves you, if he wants the best for his family, he is not going to make bad decisions just to piss you off.

Number 2. Remind both of you who’s calling the shots. I need Adam to put his big strong arms around me. I need him to hold me down and show me he can get what he wants. I want him to pin my hands above my head and ravish every inch of me. I need him to put me over his knee and leave some handprints on my ass. I find myself tiptoeing over the line sometimes just to find out whether Adam will stop me. Will he notice? Will he punish me? I don’t really want to get away with it. I want him to keep me safe and to notice me when I’m crossing the line. I want him to do something about it when I go too far. By him doing that, I’m reminded that Adam is calling the shots. He’s looking out for me and he isn’t going to let anything bad happen to me.

Number 3. Show him how much you appreciate him. It is fuel for their engine when you acknowledge what they do and say thank you in even the smallest of ways. You can write a note telling him how sexy he looked while he was cutting the grass last night. You can say thank you for working for (x amount of) hours so that I could get this new (thing). Cook his favorite supper for him. Those little acts of encouragement can make all the difference to Adam. He wants to be noticed just like I do.

These are just a few things that work well for Adam and I when we have been “stuck” for awhile. It’s important to me that Adam leads well. It’s at least as important to Adam that he leads well. He wants to make me happy. He wants to do right by his family. It does me good to remember that when I’m feeling frustrated with him.

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Who Wears Them Best?

I’m a confident, sassy, highly intelligent woman. I’ve been blessed with good looks and great hair. I’m witty as hell, decently athletic, and hard working. I could “wear the pants” in my home, and there are times when I have put those suckers on and taken over for awhile. The Bible says that part of Eve’s curse is the desire to rule over Adam and that is passed down to all women for all time. It’s a strange dichotomy I’ve got going on here. Part of me wanting to be in charge because it requires a whole lot of trust to let my husband lead. Part of me wanting to be in charge because I know I’m smart and capable too. Then, a larger part of me deeply desires to have, feel, and see my husband lead. It is hot to see him stand up for what he believes, even when that means standing up to me. It is comforting knowing that he’s here to correct me when I’m going in the wrong direction. I have a love/hate relationship with boundaries set before me. “The curse” has me wanting to break every rule, to cross every forbidden bridge. My heart appreciates those rules and understands why they’re there for me. I appreciate the dedication Adam has for keeping me safe and happy. I know that he’s always looking out for me. This isn’t a game we play when we’re both in the mood. Sometimes, I don’t feel like obeying. Sometimes, Adam probably doesn’t feel like leading. On occasion, we shirk those responsibilities we’ve promised each other. I refuse to go where Adam wants me to, or Adam refuses to decide which way to go. Those things happen. We’re flawed humans, after all.

Having said all of that, there is a way to get back on track, and it works like a charm! Ready for it??

Look for my next blog post and I’ll share our secret 😉

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Life, lemons, lemonade..and all that BS

For reasons I’d rather not get into, my dad has moved in with us for awhile. I’m sort of in this weird place of trying to “parent” my parent, while also parenting my children. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Adam. He is the only person in my life who I don’t have to be strong around. I have a younger brother and sister. Being the oldest, I’ve always assumed the role of the leader, the strong one. I’m not much of a crier. I hide my fears, my pain, my sorrow from the world. Adam takes on all of those emotions that I can’t share with anyone besides him. This whole last year has been the roughest year of my life, so far. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly. I guess I’ve been pretty privileged to not have grown up in chaos or experienced loss like I have recently. I look around me, and every person I know is going through something right now. This is such a difficult time for everyone. Knowing and feeling sad that others are hurting still doesn’t stop my own pain. It’s real. It’s here with me all the time.

I really really need Adam to spank me, to fuck me, to tell me exactly what he wants me to do to him, and exactly what he plans to do to me. I need to feel sexy again. I need to escape from all of this responsibility for just a few toe curling, orgasmic minutes. I already feel mostly helpless against the things happening to and around me. It’s different being helpless with Adam, though. I know I’m safe with him. I know he’s got me. I know he isn’t ever going to let me down. He is my safe space in this life. I never thought I’d let myself need a man. Want, yes. Love, yes. Need, noooo. Adam had a very near death experience a few weeks ago while he was working on his truck. In that split second, I saw my future without him, and it terrified me. When did I get so needy? Am I irresponsible for allowing myself to get this deep in? I can’t swim to shore anymore. I’m too far out. My lifeboat is my husband. For better or worse, that’s the way it is.

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Dominated

It’s such a cruel irony how often the very thing I need is what I’ve been pushing away in a naive attempt to protect myself from any additional distress. On some level, I think Adam and I knew what we both needed, both deeply craved but outwardly denied ourselves and each other. There was never any malicious intent. In fact, we were each doing what most anyone would logically conclude was the “right thing”. We had been through hell. We’d stuck by one another, never wavering in our commitment to our marriage and family, but our relationship wasn’t the problem, so it wasn’t getting any attention. We were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was hurting, Adam couldn’t fix it, and he felt guilty, inadequate even. I knew Adam was struggling so I tried not to lean on him or put any additional pressure on him. We were both trying to protect each other but began to slowly wither away as more and more time passed without giving each other the things we couldn’t give ourselves. We would fall into bed and think only of sleep. Adam still kissed my forehead before he went to work each morning. We never hung up the phone before saying I love you. We went through all the motions, continuing in our repetitive and boring daily lives until finally, one night, Adam took me. We climbed into bed like all the nights before, only this time he immediately rolled over on top of me. He leaned down and kissed me long and hard. He undressed me and then slowly, deliberately parted my legs with his. [SIDE NOTE: that is one of the sexiest things my man can do to me! There’s something about the way he uses his legs to spread mine without my even really noticing until he’s already done it…purrr]

That night Adam had his way with me. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he made love to me. It was so much more than sex. He showed me he wanted me, reminded me that I’m his, took back his place as leader and a man, my man. He held me down, pulled my hair, and took his time making sure to give every inch of my body his full attention.

The thing is, I didn’t realize the significance of that night right away. I struggled so much to push away all of the negativity bouncing around in my mind. I didn’t even have an orgasm. Over the next couple of days, though, I kept finding myself daydreaming about Adam. I was noticing him and his body. I wanted to feel his touch again. I felt so much “lighter” as I began to trust and allow Adam to help me take on the chaos and stress. The Bible says not to deny each other our bodies (sex) in marriage. I truly believe there’s a good reason that was put in there and I think I understand it better now. Each night since, we’ve had sex. Everyday, I’m feeling better and we’re growing closer again. Sex in the midst of life’s tragedies can seem inappropriate. We were fooled into believing that during a time when we needed each other most. Adam would’ve let me get away with murder a week ago. Looking back, I was acting out in small ways to test him. I was hoping to push the right button just hard enough that he’d discipline me. I needed him to reaffirm his role and mine. HE was needing to reaffirm his role and mine. Isn’t that ironic?

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Upside down & inside out

Friday afternoon, I got a phone call that changed my life forever. I’m not ready to write about the details, but it has to do with my son. He was immediately taken to the closest hospital and then transferred to a children’s hospital. I’d been having a great day. I got out my fall scented candles and started to change out my summertime decorations with fall ones. My house smelled like cinnamon apples and pumpkin spice. I was sitting in the kitchen talking with a friend when my phone rang. It was his school. I don’t even remember the drive to him. Seeing my little boy like he was, I just can’t write about it yet. He’s alive, he will recover, but our life is going to look different for a very long time while we help him to heal. He’s still in the hospital, but he’s in good spirits. I managed to keep it together all but once in front of him. The frustration, anger, and fear got to me as one of the doctors explained something I didn’t understand and I couldn’t stop the explosion of tears and the angry words that flew from my mouth. My sweet boy tried to comfort ME. He told me “it’s okay mama, I’ll be okay.” I love him so much my chest is literally aching as I’m writing this.

I’m sorry for the cliffhanger, I’ll try to give more information as I’m able to, but I can’t make words out of the emotions I’m feeling right now. One miracle I can share today, my cousin is going to be going into rehab on September 4th and has pulled through after we didn’t think he would make it several times over the last couple of weeks! I believe in the power of prayer y’all.

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Heat wave

It’s been HOT and HUMID here the entire month of August so far. I love summertime, but this heat is taking a toll on all of us. Adam’s been coming home grumpy and I hate it. He doesn’t yell or anything like that, he’s just more distant and quiet. He isn’t as playful or sarcastic and silly. He’s exhausted and drained from yet another day spent out in this triple digit weather. I can’t blame him. I understand. I miss my husband, though. This week has been the worst. I’m also PMS’ing, so my hormones are wrecked. For all of these reasons, I’ve struggled to find anything creative or interesting to write about. I have a few saved drafts that I started when I had good ideas pop up, but not enough time to finish my thoughts. Maybe I can work on those?

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When he falls off his horse

Adam is strong, smart, handsome, generous, and very rarely overtaken by his emotions. I can only think of one life event that brought him to tears in the 12 years we’ve been together. His dad had battled cancer when Adam was in college. He won that battle and remained cancer free right up to the five year mark, and then it came back. It came back with a vengeance. I remember the night his parents asked us all over and his dad rocked nervously in his favorite chair as he did his best to hold back the tears while he explained to us that the prognosis was not good. His dad was dying. Only five short months later, we sat around Adam’s dad in a hospital bed and watched him take his last breath. It was just after 5:00am when we left the hospital. After we got home, Adam went to take a shower and I knew he just needed to be alone for a few minutes. About half an hour later, he re-emerged with bloodshot eyes. It was obvious that he’d been crying. Now, I absolutely do not subscribe to the notion that boys/men should not show emotion. I think it’s unfortunate that we have spent so long teaching little boys that to cry is to show weakness and that it’s a “girly” thing to do. Having said that, I also know that men generally don’t share their feelings in the same way we women do. Men don’t think like we do. Adam is a man. He takes care of business. He is my knight in shining armor ever ready to slay the dragons and save me. Occasionally, even knights fall off their horses, though. Life is hard whether you’re a man, woman, both, or neither. As humans, we all have times in life where we need someone to comfort us and to help us back up after we’ve been knocked down. Even tough guys need help sometimes. I love Adam so deeply. I rely heavily on his ability to be the predictable and stable and responsible man he is. When I saw his heartbreak, his pain that morning, I went into “mama bear” mode. I was the protector. I was the rock for awhile. I laid in bed with Adam and ran my fingers through his hair while more silent tears fell. I understood the hurt and frustration that comes from not being able to fix it. Adam is the fixer, the protector, the calm in every storm. I am absolutely willing and able to step up and be those things for him in those moments when he needs me to. I can be strong and brave. I can hold back my own emotions so that I can be there for him when he needs me more than I need him. I can pick him back up, dust him off, and help him back onto his horse and then Adam can carry on being my knight in shining armor.

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Trouble squared (part II)

I always do my best to time supper so that it’s just about ready when Adam gets home from work. He can get home anytime between 5:30 to 8:00pm, so I’ve learned over the years how to time meals out just right so the food is hot and fresh for him and we can all eat together at the table. We had extra kids over, so the house was noisy and chaotic when Adam got home and I was getting all the kids plates of food dished out. We sat down, said our dinner prayer, and enjoyed our meal. Adam has this thing he’s always done when I’m rinsing the dishes at the sink he comes up behind me, pats my butt, and then reaches his arms around me and gives me a hug and a kiss and thanks me for a good supper. I chose that moment to announce that I had something I had to tell him. We also have a thing between us when it comes to sharing something that makes me nervous or that I know is likely to upset him. We shower together every evening, and that is when we talk about everything on our minds. There’s something about being naked in front of one another. We’re vulnerable and we can’t walk away if we get angry. We have had many a heated discussion standing in the shower together! I knew he wouldn’t be happy about the whole electric bill situation, but I also knew it wasn’t the kind of thing that would cause an argument or make him seriously angry with me.

A few hours later, I told Adam “let’s go take our shower.” He laughed and said I must be excited to get my spankin’ over with. He didn’t yet know what had happened, just that something had. It was finally time to fess up and I felt a little bit nervous all the sudden. I began with “you know how stressed out I was a few weeks ago? And you know I usually do a great job making sure I take care of things at home?” At that point, he probably thought I was about to drop a serious bomb on him because he looked really worried. I told him all about what had happened, but I wasn’t planning to mention the extra fees we had to pay until Adam asked about how much more it cost us. How did he know about that?! He had a serious look on his face at first, but then he grinned a slight little half grin that tells me he’s not too upset. He pulled me close to him and then brought his hand down hard on my behind. I yelped and he announced I had 5 more just like that coming. His hands can touch me in so many different ways. They’re gentle and reassuring. They give a great back massage. They hold me close and make me feel protected from the world. They can also feel hard as a block of wood. His hands were blocks of wood last night. When he finished, he asked me what I’d learned and y’know what I told him??? I told him I’d learned that he has shitty aim because he got my back twice! (He didn’t really get my back, but he typically spanks lower where I’ve got more padding.) This is the reason I titled this blog post, “Trouble squared”. I just had to say something snarky, which landed me in much deeper water. The truth is, Adam laughs at my silliness. He loves me and all my sassy southern ways. He isn’t trying to change me or anything. He has randomly slapped my behind probably 20 times over the last couple of days just to ask if his aim was better that time, but if I ever did or said something that made him truly angry with me, he would never lay a hand on me. This is our thing. Occasionally, there is a more serious message behind the discipline Adam is giving me. This time, the message was “please don’t screw up my credit because you haven’t paid a bill” and that IS something to take seriously. As for my sarcastic response, though, that did not mean that I wasn’t appreciating that I had done something stupid and this was on the more serious side of punishment rather than mostly playful. I did understand that and I did feel bad. Adam knew I felt terrible and that I don’t regularly ignore our bills. I say silly things to lighten the mood sometimes. I sometimes get sarcastic when I’m nervous. For Adam and I, my remark wasn’t meant or taken as blatant disrespect. I did get a much more sore rear end for it, but not because Adam was genuinely angry with me. I never have to be afraid to say something to him. I never have fear in those rare instances when he is truly angry. I know that he would never put his hands on me in anger, even with DD in our marriage. Once things have calmed down, discipline absolutely happens! But, I wanted to make it abundantly clear that he did not and would not spank me if he was really truly mad at something I’d done or said. My butt was sore the next morning, and again last night, but my spirit is not ever bruised or beaten by Adam.

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Trouble squared

Yesterday morning, about 8:00, our power cut off. I didn’t think too much of it at first because they’ve been blasting nearby and it’s been briefly cutting off and then back on again. After about 10 minutes had passed, I got more concerned. I called the electric company to report our outage and was notified via automated voice that the reason our lights were out was because the light bill wasn’t paid! I promptly pushed zero a bunch of times so I could reach an actual human because I knew I had mailed in a check toward the end of July and I was ready to let the incompetent fools have it. They don’t play around here. If your bill isn’t paid by the next months meter reading, they’ll cut ya off, so I’ve always made sure I got a check in on time. As I was waiting for the human I planned to give a piece of my mind, I opened my bill planner notebook to look up exactly when I’d mailed in the check. As I flipped through the pages, an envelope stamped and addressed to the power company fell out… I would have sworn I’d mailed that! I could’ve passed a lie detector I was so sure of it. Clearly, I had not, in fact, put a check in the mail. Mercifully, the elevator music playing through my phone was still going and nobody had answered my call yet. After a couple of minutes, a nice lady answered and I explained my situation. I was thoroughly embarrassed. We’ve never had a utility cut off for non payment before. I have always done a good job staying on top of our bills and payments. Adam also knows when everything is due and often double checks that everything’s taken care of each week. Our system always worked well, until yesterday. I paid the bill over the phone which cost an extra $2.50 for the convenience of using their automated phone pay system plus an extra $37 “reconnect fee”. This was an expensive mistake! I was dreading the evening when Adam would come home and I’d have to tell him. I briefly considered keeping my screw up a secret, but I’m a shitty liar and the guilt always gets to me anyway. It wasn’t punishment I was afraid of. I was ashamed and worried that Adam wouldn’t trust me to take care of our finances anymore. I knew that I had let him down, even if it wasn’t a purposeful mistake. Had I been paying attention, I get bank notifications for every debit and credit on our account and that check should’ve gone through within a couple days of mailing the check.

I have to take my daughter to her bus stop, and this blog is long enough already, so I’m going to end on a cliffhanger and I’ll post a part 2 later today. I called this blog “trouble squared” because had I not chosen to open my great big sassy mouth while Adam was lecturing me, I’d have gotten off relatively easy. Instead, I thought it was a good time to be a smart ass.

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It wasn’t me

This afternoon, some of our neighbors right behind us were having a birthday party for their daughter. There was a bouncy house and pool party and at least 30 kids were there. The adults were outnumbered by quite a bit. I think there were about 10 of us. We live in the south. We’re all at least a little bit “redneck” in my neighborhood, so of course there were adult drinks being served. Maybe y’all have adult beverages at kids birthday parties in other parts of the country/world too, I’m not really sure? I wouldn’t even think of going overboard and getting sloshed at a kid’s birthday party, though. The mom of the kid having the birthday party (I’ll call her L) had a lot too much today. It was pretty embarrassing to be honest. I like L. She’s a fun girl and I know she loves her kids, but she didn’t use her mom brain today at all. She had disappeared inside and I heard some yelling. Next thing I knew, someone else was calling for L’s husband, J, to get inside right away. I kept my butt firmly planted where I was because I was absolutely not getting involved in whatever drama was taking place inside!! I heard some more yelling from L and then it got quiet. A few minutes later, J re-emerged outside. Of course, everyone wanted to know what happened and J casually tells us “I busted her butt. I told her if she didn’t settle down I was gonna bust her butt, and she wouldn’t listen.” Bust your butt here means give someone a spanking. It’s said to kids often. Apparently, L was getting into a heated argument with another person who was inside with her and she was slamming cupboards and throwing things on the floor like a lunatic. Literally no one at the party batted an eye when J told us what he’d done. I was considering sneaking inside to check on L and honestly, I wanted to be nosy and find out what had her so upset in the first place, but Adam grabbed my hand, pulled me back to him, and whispered in my ear, “if you take one step inside there I’ll come bust your ass too.”

So, this was my afternoon! I can’t even imagine how angry Adam would’ve been if I acted like L did today. She is about ten years younger than I am, so I suppose she’s still learning to adult. Her husband is 14 years older than her, so he’s also more settled down and mature. I have heard J make little comments to L about putting her over his knee. Heck, he even said it to me once not long ago (jokingly). I had no idea until today that he was ever serious about his threats to her though. How crazy is it that I actually know people in my real life who are like Adam and I?! Also, how crazy is it that not one single adult there thought anything of it when J announced her just gone inside and spanked his wife? I feel like y’all are going to think I’m telling stories here. Cross my heart, it’s 100% truth! I didn’t get a chance to talk to L alone after all that. I’m still dying to know what the world made her so angry in the first place. If I find out anything else worth reporting here, I’ll update tomorrow. As for me, I am able to sit comfortably tonight because I wasn’t about to get my butt whooped at a neighbor’s party.

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“Dad bods”

Adam played football in college. When we first met, he was ripped. I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t notice or enjoy that, but his body truly wasn’t what attracted me to him at the time. Muscle-y jocks are a dime a dozen when you’re in your 20s. He had packed on a few pounds over the years and had a bit of a gut poking out. I wasn’t any less attracted to him for it. In fact, I grow more crazy about my husband each passing year. However, he has recently lost nearly 40 pounds. He’s been eating better and getting more exercise in. The weight literally seemed to have melted off of him overnight. I suppose we don’t notice small changes over a period of time as easily. This morning, though, I was up before Adam (a rare occasion). I decided to get his coffee started for him and I was just switching it on when he came around the corner into the kitchen. He had teal and blue basketball shorts on and nothing else. His hair was messy, but in a good way. In that moment, watching him walk into the kitchen, I really noticed him. I saw his newly returned washboard abs and broad shoulders. My eyes wandered to my absolute favorite part of a man’s body, their hip bones where they stick out just above their pants in front. My panties are getting wet again just thinking about him. As Adam strode over and gave me a good morning kiss and squeezed my ass, I felt like the luckiest, most happy girl in the world. That sexy man is all mine! I may have to send the kids out to play this evening because I don’t think I can wait until their bedtime to get him back inside me.

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Hump day

Last week, when I was in the doctor’s office for my leg injury, he asked me the question I always dread to answer. “Do you smoke?” The answer is (was) yes. I started smoking a few years ago. A nasty stupid habit to pick up and I don’t know why I ever decided it was a good idea. Like every drug addict ever says, you think you will be the one who can just do it for fun every once in awhile. I won’t get hooked on that, I told myself. Of course, that was a lie. So, I told the doc the truth and he asked if I wanted help to quit. I absolutely hate the way antidepressants make me feel. I told him I did not want to take anything like that. He had another idea for me, though. He told me to go buy a vape pen and don’t ever buy another pack of cigarettes. He said the next time I’m there to see him, then he’ll start giving me heck about how much nicotine I’m using, but for now, try the vape pen. I was extremely skeptical. I really thought I’d hate it and just keep on smoking, but I was willing to give it a good try. My mom got so excited when I told her what I was going to do, she drove over and picked me up and took me to the vape store and bought the pen and the nicotine stuff for me! Now I knew I really had to give it a good try because I didn’t want my mom to waste her money or to be disappointed in me. I didn’t even tell Adam what I was doing right away. I am happy to report, I have not smoked a single cigarette since last Wednesday! A whole week!! I call my vape pen my “binky” (that was our daughter’s name for her pacifier as a toddler). It’s shocking even to me that I’ve been able to do this! Adam is so proud of me and it makes me feel so good.

I’ve been almost too well behaved lately. Adam has had no good reason to spank me or anything. I’m almost considering finding a way to cross the line, just a little bit. I’m craving his touch. I want to feel him on me, in me. We finally got to have sex last night, but it seems it only made me want him even more. We’re both still recovering from our trip last weekend too, so I’m sure Adam will be able to quench my “thirst” for him once he’s caught up on his sleep and his work settles down a bit. He’s always super busy after he’s been off for a few days.

Today’s been a good day overall. I helped my mom clean her house and get it ready for company coming tomorrow. Her sister and brother in law (my favorite aunt and uncle) are coming to visit. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen them, so I’m excited they’re coming. We have church this evening. We’ve missed the last couple of Wednesdays. I’ve missed it, actually. Church always helps me to refocus and center myself again. I leave feeling like my “batteries” got recharged. Speaking of recharging my batteries, I’m in need of some caffeine. Despite the 91 degree heat outside, I’m going to go make myself some hot tea. I’ve got about an hour until my kids will be home from school. Maybe I can sit and enjoy my tea while I fold the rest of this laundry.

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So RUDE!

I’m not great at confrontation. I will put up with a lot from family, friends, even strangers just to avoid causing any upset. I mentally check out when someone is yelling at me. As much as I hate admitting this, insults and assumptions people make about me can really get to me. I’d like to be the kind of person who can shake it off and not be bothered by the things other people say or think about me. Unfortunately, my feelings are easily hurt when I’m offended.

In a conversation with some women I met recently, we were discussing what everyone does for a living. When it came my turn to say, I told them I’m a wife and mom, a homemaker. One of them asked me how old my youngest child is and I told her, eight. She was confused, almost annoyed when she heard that. She wanted to know why I’m not working since my youngest is school aged. I was put in a tough spot because these are all working women. Some of them are parents, too. I would never want to offend any mother for her choices when it comes to her career or how she’s best taking care of her family. The truth is, I genuinely believe that a lot of the problems our children struggle with today are closely linked to having absent parents. So many kids leave for school by themselves and return home by themselves. Very few families that I know regularly have supper at the table together. When I am taking my kids to a game or a recital, I am always asked to give a handful of other children a ride whose parents aren’t able to make it. I absolutely understand that there are parents out there who are working just to provide the most basic essentials for their children. They would love to be at their daughter’s recital, but don’t have the luxury of that option. I have so much respect for single parents who are doing everything they can to give their children a better life. I do not fault families for their circumstances in life that force us all to make tough decisions. I know I’m blessed to have a husband who is willing and able to support our family on only his income. I appreciate all of the things I’m able to do with and for our kids and the sacrifices he makes that make that possible. I’m not sitting at home watching soap operas all day though. I’m volunteering at a women’s crisis center. I’m at school eating lunch with my kids or helping out in their classrooms. I’m helping my sick mom. Cleaning her house, taking her to and from doctor appointments. I’m doing our laundry, grocery shopping, scrubbing floors and bathrooms and walls and doors. I’m making my family breakfast, lunch, and supper everyday. I’m carpooling to and from my children’s various extra curricular activities. I’m standing at the bus stop with my kids in the morning and waiting there for them in the afternoon when they come back home. I’m making them snacks for after school. I’m scheduling and taking them in for haircuts, dentist appointments, doctor check ups. I’m up with a sick kid at 2am holding their hair back and cleaning up vomit. I’m the splinter getter outer. I’m the referee. I’m the always available hug when they need one.

Since I was a small child myself, I’ve wanted to be a wife and a mother. These years with them are so precious and fleeting. I spend everyday trying to soak up all of the moments that won’t last. I’m not lazy, unwilling, or unable to get a job. One of the women even made a point to tell me “everyone’s hiring right now”. Lady, kindly fuck off please.

Whether you’re a working or a stay at home mom, you’re awesome in my eyes as long as you’re doing what you feel is right and best for your family. And to the women out there like my grandma, who spent her whole life being a homemaker long before and after her children, you rock too. Don’t let ignorant people get you down like I did. They got to me with their rude comments. I walked away feeling worth less than I know I am. I felt like a failure of a woman or something. Instead of standing up for myself like I should have, I let them say their opinions about me and left the conversation feeling vulnerable and hurt. Why do women do this to each other so often? I’m sure they’re out there, but I’ve never had a man say nasty things about me being a homemaker/stay at home mom. It’s always been other women with big mouths sharing their big opinions.

Anyway, I’ll stop ranting now.

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Busy busy busy

We had a great time visiting Adam’s family in Kansas last weekend. We went to a tractor pull and got our redneck on. We got back home Sunday night around midnight and then had to be up at 4:15am for an early morning appointment downtown. The appointment went the best it could have! She is officially in remission!!!

Today, we are finishing up school shopping and my daughter needs one immunization that we’re currently in the waiting room for. My injured calf is doing great, too! I’m already back to walking almost normally again. I’ve been on a sort of emotional rollercoaster lately, and I’m very excited to finally be getting off of it. The stress of everything piling up and nothing going as expected had been taking a heavy toll on me. It appears we are finding our way back to our normal again. Poor Adam was exhausted last night, so I didn’t get to spend much time with him. By the time I got home from all the stuff I’d had to do yesterday, it was almost 8:00pm and he’d already gone to bed and then he left before I got up this morning. It’s literally been almost a week since Adam and I had sex, which is almost totally unheard of for us. With everything going on, injuries, stress, being at his mom’s house with our kids in the same room…I think we’re both looking forward to bedtime tonight! I’m excited for the possibility of being able to share something more interesting than the hum drum, mundane details of my domestic life. I’ll report back as soon as there’s something to share 😉

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Summer’s end

We’re leaving tomorrow evening for the Midwest. Adam’s mom lives out in the middle of nowhere in a town smaller than our culdesac. Think oz, as in Wizard of Oz. Small town Kansas. It’s our last trip of summer before our kids start school and the chaos begins again. I have so enjoyed having my kiddos all to myself this summer. I always feel a twinge if sadness when they start back to school because I lose them a little more each year. They have their friends to play with, they ask their teachers what the moon is made of, they don’t need their mama as much. My kids are 8 and 10 years old. I know every parent says it, but I really do have great kids. They’re kind, polite, respectful, helpful, sweet as can be. I get told regularly how well behaved my kids are. Watching them grow is such a bittersweet privilege. I’m blessed to be their mama and it’s amazing seeing the kind of individual people they’re becoming. I sometimes wish I could keep them little just a little longer.

I’m nervous to make this trip with my leg out of commission. A 12 hour car ride is going to be miserable I think. Wish me luck y’all, I’m probably going to need it! The one positive this injury has given me, is that Adam is babying the heck out of me. He just got back home from the store to get me some mint chocolate chip ice cream I was craving. He came home from work and cooked us all supper too. I do miss his playful smacks on my bottom and our typical back and forth with tickles and any excuse to touch each other. He’s afraid to hurt me, so of course he’s not picking on me right now. Last night, he even shaved my legs for me and he painted my toenails! My son keeps asking me “Are you okay mama? Can I get something for you?” And my daughter played with my hair and laid next to me on the couch for hours today. I truly have the best family a girl could ask for ❤️

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For Mrs Mcdaddy :)

I wanted to post a picture of my dog, Scrappy in the comments, but it won’t let me do that. This was my handsome fur baby who I got long before I had any kids. He was with me through both of their births and a miscarriage. He got me through the best and worst of times for all 13 years I was blessed to have him here with me ❤️ He had just gotten a haircut in this picture, but his hair was usually about like your dog, Ruffi’s.

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TTWD

TTWD, This Thing We Do, is sort of an all inclusive term for couples who incorporate any kind of “kink” into their lives. At least, that’s what I’ve understood it to mean anyway. I’ve been thinking, aren’t we all a little bit kinky? Who doesn’t have a fantasy or fetish? There are so many different things people can be into. From the common ones like playing “naughty nurse” or dressing in a sexy French maid’s uniform, to foot fetishes and beyond. I’m certainly not one to judge others for their own kinks, whatever they may be. It is rather annoying how judgmental some folks are about what other consenting couples are doing. I’ve received zero criticism for anything I’ve blogged here, and I’m grateful for that. However, I have seen plenty of online conversations where others have chimed in with their holier than thou attitudes concerning other couples and their turn ons. I feel genuinely sorry for those people because their sex lives must be absolutely bland or non existent. Now I’m not suggesting that we can’t share our own preferences or talk about why something others are into just isn’t your flavor. I’m talking about the buzz kills who do their best to shame and belittle people for opening up about what they’re into. Clearly, I like to discuss my own take on incorporating DD and a little BSDM into Adam and my relationship. I expect there to be very few (if any) folks who always agree with how I like to do things. That’s okay! I subscribe to and read a lot of other couple’s stories about their lives. Just because I’m not into all of the same things they are, that doesn’t mean I don’t find enough in common to find their writing interesting. Do I find some things to be a little weird? Sure. Feet gross me the hell out! You’ll never hear about me sucking someone’s nasty toes. To each their own though. We’re all a little weird, aren’t we?

To all my fellow kinksters in blog land, don’t worry about what other people think. Share your thoughts and don’t be afraid to talk about your secret fantasies. I have a theory that the people claiming to be the most horrified by our openness about what heats us up, are actually just really frustrated with their own inability to admit they’re kinky too. I mean, why else would they be reading your blog?

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Safe words

Adam and I have never actually had “safe words”. When it comes to sex, “no, stop, please” are all words that will put an immediate halt to things. I rarely say any of them, but it has happened, and Adam has always respected my requests. When it comes to spanking, there are also no safe words, however I realized just yesterday that there is one tiny phrase that Adam will pause for. “I’m scared.” I have only ever said it a few times before, but when he pulled a hairbrush out of the drawer, I was afraid. It’s been months since I’ve felt the sting of a hairbrush. He’d gotten me into position and had his arm raised when I said it, I’m scared. He brought his spanking hand down and used his other one to hold my hand he’d already pinned behind my back. I didn’t get out of the spanking, but that small gesture made me feel safe and comforted. Obviously, there’s an element of fear when you know your butt’s about to get whooped, but Adam would never want to do anything emotionally damaging to me. It’s important to him that I feel secure in those vulnerable moments. I honestly have never consciously thought to vocalize those words as an attempt to stop, or even pause, a spanking. It’s always genuine when I’ve said it. I guess I just hadn’t ever really thought about their impact. I love that Adam knew exactly what I needed. I love that he listens to what I’m expressing in words and in my actions. I’ve never felt the need for a safe word with Adam. We are so deeply connected to one another, he can always read my body language. He gets me.

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Practical submission

What does submission really look like? Have you ever been stopped by the police? Maybe you were going too fast. Maybe you had a taillight out. When you see those lights flip on in your rear view mirror, you know exactly what you’re supposed to do next. You find a place to safely pull over and you fumble through the glovebox for your insurance and registration. The first question every officer asks is “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Now, there is always a dilemma going on in my mind when I’m asked that question. Do I admit I knew I was speeding? Do I feign surprise when he tells me I’ve got a tail light out that I’ve actually known about for months?

I was once pulled over when I was 16 years old for running a stop sign. Thing was, it wasn’t me. I had a cousin who looks more like my twin who also happened to drive a car very similar to mine, same in color, and with the same style license plate. We were both driving in the same town around the same block at the same time. When the officer told me he’d seen me run the stop sign, I was frustrated because I knew that I had not done that! I tried to argue that it was not me who’d done that, but the officer was having none of it. I realized quickly I wasn’t going to win this argument and if I didn’t shut my mouth, it was only going to get worse for me. He gave me a verbal warning and let me go.

Things like that happen in marriage sometimes too. Adam will come to me with “Do you know why I’m upset with you?” I have to quickly decide how I’m going to answer that question. How much does he actually know? Is he talking about what happened yesterday, or does he know about that other thing? Sometimes, I’m genuinely not sure what I’ve done. Occasionally, I completely disagree that what I’ve done was in any way wrong. Rarely, but it happens, I didn’t do what he’s accusing me of. I have choices to make in every situation like these. I can get angry and defensive. I can cry and plead. I can play dumb about it. Or, I can humble myself and listen carefully to what he’s saying whether or not I agree with him. Adam is always willing to listen to my side of the story. He gives me the benefit of doubt much more often than not. He’s never cruel. We do not always agree, though.

Submission does not mean I can’t give my opinions. It doesn’t mean I can’t disagree. Submission is pulling over when you see those red and blue lights flashing behind you. There’s a right way to disagree. If you choose to argue your case, you can go to court and do so, respectfully. If you get belligerent and angry at the officer, it’s not going to end well. That officer has the authority to put you in handcuffs and throw you in jail if you decide to escalate the situation. In the same way, my husband has the authority to discipline me if I refuse to cooperate respectfully. I can still be in submission and argue my case if I just do it in the right way.

It isn’t always easy to submit. It can get ugly real fast if I get indignant and uncooperative because I know I’m right and he’s wrong. Submission is something we all do everyday. We submit to the laws and the people who uphold them. We submit to our bosses. Submission is not something only weak or mindless people can do. I think it takes strength to submit. It takes humility to admit when you’re wrong. It also takes integrity and good character to be worthy of submission. A tyrant can force others to physically submit to their will, but only those who have earned trust and respect are worthy of true submission of the heart, mind, and body.