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Controlling Ourselves

We had our neighbors and their kids over Friday evening. We made s’mores with the kids and let them all play outside on the trampoline and swing set while we sat out and talked. They’re very nice people, and their daughter is good friends with our daughter. They are “dog people” who’ve just adopted their third dog. However, I couldn’t help but feel some type a way when he kept going on and on about how pit bulls are such bad dogs. They know Oliver is a pit/lab mix. He insists it’s because he’s a mix that he’s a good boy… I so strongly disagree with that sentiment! It frustrates me to hear people who claim to love dogs not understand that pit bulls are not “bad dogs” simply because of their breed. They’re great big babies! They love kids. They’re playful and sweet. Oliver jumps on the trampoline with the kids. He understands to play more gently with our daughter when they’re doing tug of war. He absolutely loves when our friend’s 3 year old son is here. He cuddles next to him whether he’s playing or napping or watching TV. Oliver has a few pit bull friends he gets to play with sometimes, and they always play so good together! I swear…some people are idiots. I’m sorry to be so drastic, but they have no idea what they’re missing out on by writing off an entire breed of dog like that! Ok, rant over.

Saturday evening, we had a friend come by and Jackie was home. We played cornhole and then sat out around the fire pit. I’d finally talked to Jackie about how I felt about that new guy that I just don’t feel right about. This friend who was here Saturday night is a great guy who likes her a lot. She likes him too, but she has treated him crappy simply because he has allowed it from her. Adam has had conversations with him about his needing to stop being afraid to stand up to Jackie. I’ve even made a few comments while we’ve been hanging out and Jackie says or does something disrespectful. Well, Saturday night, we were playing cornhole. Jackie and I are always a team, while the other guy plays on Adam’s team. Adam and I stand on one end to throw the bag to our partners side, where Jackie and “super trooper” (that’s his nickname) stood. I didn’t catch it, but Adam had heard Jackie say something and the next thing I knew, I turned around and Adam’s pulling his belt out through his jean’s belt loops. I know that sound… I said “Wait, what? Wh…why do you have that?!” He held it up in the air and Jackie shut right up. Super trooper started to take his belt off (mostly playing around) and Jackie yelled at Adam for teaching super trooper to stand up to her. Super trooper smacked her once with his belt and she marched over to Adam to chew him out. She asked him if he knows how bad that thing hurts? He assured her that he does. She wanted to swing his belt down on him once, so he handed it to her. I warned her that it just isn’t very satisfying because he always only laughs at me when I try that! She swung and got him on the back of his thighs. He asked her if that was the best she had. I told her “SEE”!! Then, last night, I was in the shower with Adam and I saw this dark purple bruise on his leg and asked him what the world he did there!? He had no idea where it came from. Later, Jackie had mentioned when she smacked Adam and how he just laughed at her, and it finally occurred to me, that’s where that bruise came from! Then, I considered how much damage that damn belt could do if he swung it down hard on me. Adam is a hell of a lot stronger than Jackie is! I don’t know why it suddenly occurred to me that Adam is actually very gentle, even when he’s being firm. I have never, ever had a bruise like that from a spanking! Small, “finger bruises” sometimes, but nothing close to how his thigh looked. This gave me two thoughts at once. One, that is beyond scary to think what damage that belt really could do!!! Two, Adam has clearly been very in control, even when he’s upset with me, because he’s never spanked me that hard. I don’t want to be, either. I’m both more afraid of the belt, and less afraid of Adam. Not that I’ve ever been afraid of him. I just mean that it reassured me that he knows exactly what he’s doing, even when I’ve pushed so hard that he’s angry with me. He will never seriously harm me. I already knew that he wouldn’t, but that proved it to me. This does not mean he wouldn’t make it hurt hella bad! This does not mean I’m no longer afraid of his hand, belt, whatever he’s got to punish me with! Just…holy shit my husband is strong. Mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s kind of incredible to me.

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Kings & Queens

The thing I, personally, felt I needed to work on the most, was my attitude and my choice of words. When I’m grumpy, irritated, just feeling pissy, I can be incredibly disrespectful towards Adam. Every so often, I get this overwhelming “energy” that takes over me and I am convinced that he is definitely not strong enough to “fight” me on something if I really fight back hard enough. I believe that I’m right, he’s wrong, and I’m not going to let it go. I wind up treating Adam like he’s an idiot. The look on my face, the tone of my voice, and the words that I choose are all disrespectful as hell. I am on a “high” and I am not intimidated or ashamed, in the moment. It’s typically very stupid stuff I choose to argue, too. I once refused to drop an argument about how many hours he’d worked and been gone the prior year…on our anniversary…in front of a group of our friends and family. Yep. He should’ve whooped my ass. This is the thing I most felt I needed to do better. The thing I felt would be what most often got me into trouble when Adam started getting serious about consistently holding me accountable again.

I was not expecting that what has been the exclusive issue I’ve found myself in trouble for (the last several months) has been dishonesty. Or, mostly “side stepping the truth”. I was not aware that this was such a big problem for me. I never thought of myself as dishonest, especially with Adam! I find it’s the stupid crap I’m not truthful about, much like the stupid reasons I lose my shit and get disrespectful about. It’s been eye opening for me. For Adam, also, I believe. It appears I have an even bigger challenge to work harder on. I haven’t been in a situation where I got disrespectful towards Adam in a long time. Probably, since he got home from his work trip out of state in the beginning of August. That situation was not handled well by either of us. Adam has done an amazing job of dealing with my shit without it becoming a big fight between us. He stays right the hell on point. This leaves me with no way to “win” if I’m fighting him. He doesn’t insult me. I never doubt that he’s saying and doing this out of love for me. I don’t get left alone to cry myself to sleep. I might cry, but I’m not going to feel unloved and alone. There’s no fear that he won’t come back to me. I truly wonder what will happen the next time I’m overwhelmed with that disrespectful “energy” and I start up my attitude again. I’m never going to try to set that situation up. I’m not looking forward to it. I just know it will happen, one of these days. It’s not like I want another spanking like I received not long ago, I just wonder if he might still “back down” if I show him my tough, hard, fighter self again sometime. I still sort of believe I could argue my way out of something, if I really really wanted to. I’m an excellent defense attorney for myself when I need to be! I don’t mean to doubt him, I’ve just not been in this situation in a very long time where he handled it without either “stooping” down to my level and losing his authority, or backing the heck down because, let’s face it, I can be decently intimidating.

I really have worked at my attitude now for years. I have been aware of this issue within myself. I think I do a much better job of containing my inner bitch around Adam. Every once in awhile, she sneaks her way out, though.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend with my husband and have absolutely NO intention of causing any problems that might interfere with that fun. It’s Adam’s birthday today! He’s going to have to settle for a birthday blowjob, because I started my damn period this morning. I’m making his requested Chili tonight for supper. I got him his favorite candy bar, Twix. I want to show him only love today. I appreciate that he is my king, and I am his queen ❤️

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“Sitting Could be an Issue”…

Yesterday evening, I shared part of my blog post with Adam. I write very honestly here, and he knows that, so I wanted to show him that I really was petrified the other night when I didn’t know if he was ok. I share my posts with him often. Even the ones that don’t exactly make me look the best. I know that it’s been incredibly helpful for him to get these glimpses into my thoughts and feelings through my writing. I am usually much better at writing my thoughts clearly and carefully, rather than saying them out loud, because I often wish I could take back some of the shit that comes out of my mouth to him. I don’t have to worry about that here. I can take my time to say what I mean to say.

I had to drive a friend to work yesterday afternoon and I text Adam about it. I have never in my life actually had trouble sitting after longer than maybe a few hours post spanking. I always thought of that saying “you won’t sit for a week” as being just a metaphor for “you’re gonna get it”. Adam told me, the other day, that it wasn’t a good week to plan on activities that required sitting down. I knew he was just trying to make sure I was understanding that he wasn’t planning to go easy on me when he got home. It wasn’t pleasant getting spanked, but I must’ve had a lot of adrenaline coursing through me, giving me protection from some of the stinging in my behind, because I’m shocked I could still feel it 2 days later!

Tuesday Evening from Adam
Yesterday Evening from Adam

Today is, FINALLY, Friday! This week seemed endless to me, for some reason. The weather has been gorgeous. Sunny and 70s all week. We have plans with some friends for Saturday evening. Tonight, we’re just staying in. Probably go sit out on the patio and hang out. Adam has been extra sweet and thoughtful the last couple of days. I really thought maybe I could convince him that spanking was the worst ever and to save those for the biggest offenses. It seems to have worked the opposite, because he feels like he was effective, so I’m afraid my days of getting only those half hearted smacks on my ass might be over now. Except, of course, the ones he playfully gives to me regularly. He keeps slapping my butt exactly where I’ve told him hurt the worst. I don’t think he feels guilty… That’s ok, though. I’m pretty certain that, next time, it’ll be at least as bad, if not worse. So, I’m also certain that I don’t want to find myself facing that again anytime soon. Maybe he was effective, I suppose? I’ve been extra sweet and thoughtful since then, too. Adam and I are great. It should be just a fun, playful, happy weekend!

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Bruised Ego

I bruise easily. I get, what I call, “finger bruises” often. If I’m picked up under my arms, I can get them where I was held from. If I’m tickled, I’ll get them, and when I’m spanked, I sometimes get them. I have a few small “finger bruises” near my hip that Adam was noticing last night, in the shower. Likely, they’re from him holding me down when he had me bent over on our bed. I asked him “are you proud of yourself?” He gave me such a sincere look and said “NO. It’s very hard for me to have to spank you like that. I don’t regret it, but I’m sorry it came to that.” I remembered the last text messages we had sent that night, before he got home. I had text him “I love you [Adam] and I don’t want you to be mad at me or especially disappointed.” He responded back to me “I love you too. That’s why it pains me so much to have to do this.” Honestly, my butt is fine. It’s my ego that takes the biggest hit. Mentally and emotionally, there’s a powerful thing that happens to me when Adam spanks me. I feel sorry and ashamed, embarrassed, and “small”. I actually have a whole lot of power in our relationship, but not when I’m in trouble. I am at my husband’s mercy. I know that I’m safe. He would never harm me. I’m always nervous, but not because I worry that he will go too far. If anything, he’s too soft on me! When he had finished disciplining me, he stood back and asked me a question that I did not supply the correct “yes sir” response to. I giggled a little and I said something smart ass-ish. He told me he was trying to decide if the message had gotten through, and clearly it had not. He came back to me and yanked down my jeans (without even unbuttoning them) and pulled me over his lap and gave me two of the hardest hand swats he’s ever given. I pleaded with him that I didn’t mean it! I was just kidding! I’m sorry! I did not continue to give him anymore foolishness. He had successfully humbled me.

Jackie had driven over to my sister’s house to pick her up and bring her back over here for supper with us. My sister’s husband was gone for a couple of days for his work. Jackie knew all about my situation with Adam because I’d talked and texted with her about it most of the afternoon. I text her when Adam pulled into our driveway that I would let her know when to head back here. It was only about 10 minutes later that I text her again to let her know I was fine and come home and eat now. This was the following conversation…

Yesterday, Adam and I had been texting each other like we normally do periodically through the day. Until, right after noon I’d sent him something and got no response. I don’t freak out because his job has him moving from job site to site and he’s driving a lot or else he’s on site with the builders, so it can take a little while to hear back from him sometimes. After a couple of hours, I text him again asking if everything was ok? Still no response. An hour later, I tried to call him and it rang several times and went to his voicemail. Now that is very unusual. He can be in the middle of a meeting and, if I call, he’ll answer. We have an understanding. I don’t call him often. Text everyday, but calls from me always mean it’s something important. He calls me while he’s driving sometimes, but I don’t call him at work unless I need to get ahold of him now. My concern only grew after another hour passed with nothing from him. I thought about calling the office, but there are several locations in Nashville and I had no idea which one he would’ve been at. All I could do was keep trying to get ahold of him and wait. I would get anxious every time the dogs got excited at the window. Part of me panicked thinking, what if someone is here to tell me Adam got hurt really bad? Tears formed in my eyes every time thoughts like that raced through me. I kept thinking about how, just 24 hours earlier, I did not particularly want my husband to walk in the door because I knew he was going to call me into our room and spank me. Now, just 24 hours later, all I wanted in this world was for him to walk through that door. Finally, he pulled in our driveway. I ran out and said “WHAT THE HELL?!?! He showed me his phone. The entire screen was smashed. It had fallen out of his pocket while he was high off the ground and broken. I still lectured him that he could’ve called me from someone else’s phone, or the office!! He insisted he was not trying to make me worry and that he hadn’t gotten back to the office until after closing. He didn’t even go inside. Got into his truck and drove home. He did show me how he’d tried to use his phone through his truck’s Bluetooth and tell it to “call Eve”, but even that wouldn’t work. This morning, he’s getting a new damn phone! He had laughed at how worried I was when he got home, until later, when I tried to explain the overwhelming fear I had about someone showing up to tell me he wasn’t coming home. I don’t cry easily and I couldn’t even spit out the words without tears pouring down my cheeks. He felt terrible then. Promised me he would never do that again if this happens again. He would make sure to have one of the other guys at least call me to let me know what happened and that he was fine. I love that man so much! The thought of losing my one true love is more than I can bear to contemplate.

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Pebbles & Boulders

Yesterday afternoon and evening’s conversation with Adam…

Then, this morning’s conversation.

And, part of my talk with Jackie yesterday before Adam got home.

I really really took time to think about why it’s so hard for me to just tell Adam shit sometimes. Especially knowing he will never be angry or mean to me when I’m just up front. It’s probably a control thing, to be honest. I’m fighting for it, whether I truly want that power or not. I’m still convinced that he will let shit slide the way he used to (at least the last few years). He’s been much more “strict” than he was ever before, too. We talked last night and he never wants to abuse his authority, but he also says he’s not going to back down when he knows it’s time to stand up. Which, I mean, I get that. There are fragments of time, for me, where I just don’t feel like going along with Adam’s instructions. Not because I think he’s wrong, mostly just because I guess I’m that stubborn? I don’t quite know. This morning, something came up that I wasn’t excited to tell him about. Nothing that was my doing, just life crap I didn’t want to dump on him. I did tell him right away, though. I told him I feel like I don’t want to keep handing him these “pebbles”, because even small ones start to get heavy. He told me that he can handle all the shit I give to him just fine, but he’d much rather I hand him pebbles than stand here waiting til I’m throwing a boulder at him. Ok…makes sense. I don’t like to weigh him down with stuff that I think I can handle myself. He tells me that’s his job. I suppose this is my personal struggle to get right with. Well, with Adam’s help, anyway.

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To Tell, or Not to Tell

This is what started the ball to rolling, yesterday. Then, he walked inside after work, and gave me a grin and a kiss and told me “thank you for doing all that today, boo”. Well, how the heck am I going to say anything then?! This is how minor issues become major problems. Stupid, ridiculous crap. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, at the time. I like to hear him tell me “great job”. I really enjoy an evening with him when there’s not one damn thing he’s telling me to make sure I get done. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about crap. Maybe it’s purely selfish? I don’t know. It’s the honest truth, though. I don’t want him to be serious with his damn belt! I absolutely hate to hear him tell me he’s disappointed in me. My God, it’s the worst. I know all of these things, but still feel it’s easier to “sidestep” the truth to him sometimes. Always with stuff that, in the grand scheme of stuff, doesn’t matter. I’ve got to knock this shit off. I should think before I open my mouth (or send a text). I need to stop assuming it won’t matter. It always matters. Clearly, this is something that I recognize isn’t good, or right. Obviously, this is something that Adam has spent time recently trying to get me to figure out. I’m stubborn as hell. I’m still fighting him, even though I know it’s the best thing for him to hold my “feet to the fire”. Even though I understand he’s trying to help me. I don’t think of it as testing him or pushing his buttons. I honestly figure I’m going to get away with it when I “sidestep” something. Because IF it does come up later, I always have the option to say “well, I did get shit figured out. I just didn’t tell you I have more shit to do now, too”. I do not even consider that this might end up bad for me. I seriously need to get it through my thick skull that Adam means it, and he means it always. Not just when I tell him to, or when I want him to. He’s serious, regardless of whether or not I feel like he should be. I’ve gotten away with so much crap using my incredible argumentative skills. I’m either a genius or an idiot, because I have talked so much with Adam that, at this point, he’s aware of every move I’m about to make in an argument, before I even say it. He’s got the “floor plans” of my brain.

I haven’t said anything to him. At least, not yet. I don’t really feel like being in trouble today. I don’t know if I can handle the guilt, though?

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“Sidestepping” the Truth

I kind of, sort of, totally did it again. Now, I’m struggling with what I’m going to do about it. I forgot a damn paper the doctor needs to sign for the school yesterday, and I didn’t get everything I needed on immunization records yet, because we have to do a follow up appointment. It’s a long, boring story, but it ends with me not, in fact, having all this shit done. Adam text and asked if I got this done. I replied, “I’ve got my shit figured out”. Technically, this is true. I know what to do. Adam would probably disagree with how “honest” I was with this reply, though. I know for a fact he would call this “sidestepping”.

I don’t know whyyy I didn’t just explain all this to him yesterday? I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t gotten everything I needed. On the way home, a car in front of me, on the interstate, threw up a big rock from their tires and it cracked my darned windshield. I called insurance right away when I was back home. I handled that. Already have someone coming to replace my windshield tomorrow morning. I had gone into the doctor. Took almost an entire morning and afternoon to do it. I felt good about how much I had gotten done! Maybe I wanted Adam to be proud of me? I swear, it’s like instinct for me to find a way to tell him the truth, without telling the whole truth. At least, it is when it comes to crap like this. I don’t quite know how I’m going to get out of this now. I have to fax a document to the doctor for signature, which requires me sending it with Adam to work. I have to make, yet another, appointment, which is going to be hard to do without him wondering why!

He was suspicious last night. Or maybe I was just giving off my own suspicious vibes that he picked up on? I had an opportunity to tell him what was up in the shower, but I didn’t. He asked me if there was something I wasn’t telling him. I turned around like I was rinsing my face in the water, and I told him “nope”. There may be no way to argue that that wasn’t a whole ass lie, either. So, my hole is dug even deeper. And why?! Why am I so stupid with stupid crap he wouldn’t have gotten upset with me about? I can’t explain my reasoning, because it’s plain stupid. I have got to stop doing this shit! I should’ve, at least, come clean right away last night. I didn’t want to disappoint him. So, I lied to him, making future disappointment that much bigger. Stupid.

I’m literally shaking writing this down here. It seems so much worse when I spell it out like this. Like, fuck I told him a whole ass, plain and simple, no doubt about it, lie. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t ever do that when it’s big stuff. I can’t hold it in, even if I wanted to! Dumb crap like this, though…it’s so easy to convince myself it isn’t a big deal in the moment. Then, I wind up making things so much worse so that I’m at the point where it’s become a big thing. Now I’m to the point where I can’t hold it back anymore. I want him to believe me that I wouldn’t lie to him about important things. This shit isn’t helping me out, though.

I don’t know how mad he’s going to be, but I know it’s not good. I know he would be unbelievably pissed if he found out I did this before I could explain for myself. I know the right thing to do is to come clean before I dig this hole any deeper. I know I have got to learn to stop automatically “sidestepping” the truth when it’s something I don’t want to deal with. I didn’t realize I have been doing this so much until he started calling me out on it. I get it. The little shit, over time, makes it easier to cover up the big stuff later. You can’t tell a half truth, then a lie, and then not wind up telling bigger lies to keep up with the stupid half truth. I didn’t want to admit to him that I’d done that, again. So, now I’m here. Contemplating the best way to tell the truth and save my ass.

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615

My kids call him “Poppy”. My sister and brother and I call him Pops or Poppy most times, too. Occasionally, he’s still called “Daddy”.

My Dad is awesome with a guitar, and even better with a pen and paper, writing songs. He’s an incredible artist, an amazing father and grandpa. It was a lot of fun getting to spend the afternoon and evening here with him ❤️

We have plans to spend the evening at his house October 22. Another friend of ours called me and gave me 2 Saturdays he’s open coming up so we could see if either of them worked for us to get together. I’m usually the one who organizes our shindigs and the 22nd was the Saturday that worked for everybody. One of my most favorite things to do is to sit out and sing, play guitar, and listen to their music. I’m already looking forward to it! We haven’t been over to my Pop’s house in over a month already. It’ll be a lot of fun.

I am taking our daughter to see her doctor this morning! Getting some shit off of my “honey do” list today. Saturday, I took our son to get a new pair of glasses and he’s trying out contacts for the first time now. With baseball, it’s going to be much easier for him to wear contacts than glasses. It’s a good thing Adam’s got perfect vision, because he is the biggest baby about touching his eye and glasses just aren’t his thing! Thankfully, our son is much more like his mama. Zero problems touching his own eyes or using eye drops. I think he’ll do just fine with the contacts.

Back to the weekday grind here. Adam left for work an hour ago. It’s about 5:45am now. I wake up the kids at 6:00am. Figured, since we’ve got her doctor appointment, I’m not going to get my quiet coffee time to write here like usual after they leave for school, so I did it early today.

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Another Week’s End

Today is Sunday. We are having my dad and his girlfriend, my sister and her husband over today for dinner. I made brownies because it was my dad’s birthday last week and I wanted to do something nice for him. Adam and our son are our cutting the grass. My daughter helped me give the dogs a bath. It’s just a nice, easy Sunday and I love it!

I have nothing to report as far as I go. I’ve been great, Adam’s great, life is great. The only “issue” I have going on right now is with Jackie. Not her, specifically, her latest fling. He’s a bad guy. I felt it the first time I met him. I tried to ignore my intuition on this, but every time I meet him, I’m more convinced I’m right about him. I’d told Adam about things I’ve heard and seen while he was here. Last night, he was back here again, and Adam paid attention. He understood exactly what I was talking about. I’ve never had this happen before with Jackie’s “friends”. Even the one who was abusive, I didn’t pick up on it quickly like this. Maybe I’m more cynical now? I can’t decide what to do. Should I tell her? I just don’t know. Adam told me he absolutely trusts my gut and he’s on my side. He actually told me, “I would back you up even if I thought you were wrong, baby. But I think you’re right.” That means a lot to me ❤️

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Integrity

The last few days, I have found myself twice in situations where I had to decide between the raw and honest truth, or to do what Adam calls “side step” the truth. I never flat out lie to him. I choose my words carefully. For example, he wanted me to call a company who’s doing some work on our house to make sure they bill my new debit card instead of trying to pull it from my recently expired one. It just so happened that this company had someone stop by to do some measuring and stuff that very afternoon. I didn’t think I needed to call their office because I could look back and see the most recent bill paid was from my new card, so there should be no reason for worry. When Adam got home and asked me about this, I told him “I spoke to someone from the company today. There should be no issues when they pull the next bill at the end of the month.” Every word I said was truth. However, I knew he would assume that meant I’d called them. He told me “great job, boo”. I immediately followed him into our bedroom and told him the entire truth. He wasn’t thrilled that I’d “side stepped”, but he appreciated that I’d come clean right away and I showed him where they’ve already taken from my new debit card. I assured him that, if there was any problem, I would call them right away. I’ll watch to make sure they get paid by the end of this month. He smacked my butt a few times, but he wasn’t particularly angry with me. I can see in his face, hear in his voice, and feel on my behind when he’s being serious. He appreciates when I come clean, even if he might not like what I have to say. When I’m sincere and genuinely sorry, he never gets angry or disappointed in me like he will when he finds out that I’ve lied or disobeyed him and continue my attempts to hide it from him. If he discovers I’ve done that, the look on his face of hurt and disappointment, the way his voice changes to what the kids call his “dad voice”, and most definitely the seriousness I can feel when his hand, belt, wooden spoon, get brought down on my behind, are obviously different. I only get those type of spankings a handful of times a year. Last week, when he caught me in a lie, was one of those times. Last night, when I came to him and explained about the billing concern he had, was not one of those times. I know that he wants me to always come to him. I know that, when I do, he is never deeply disappointed, hurt, or angry with me. I know that we can talk about it, he might swat my butt a few times, and then we can go on with our day or night. When it’s one of those rare, serious punishments, I’m not going to be having any fun for the rest of the day or evening. Last night, we talked and he swatted my butt, and then we went downstairs to the patio and listened to music while we chatted with some friends. Everything was good. I much prefer this.

I really am trying to remember all of this. It is almost like instinct for me to automatically “side step” the truth if I think he won’t like it. It’s something I need to work harder on. His trust in me is so very important to me. He does know that I can’t look at him and lie. I won’t ever just make up a story to him. My issue is that I often find a way to tell the truth, without telling the whole truth. I know that’s still dishonest. I realize it’s not acceptable and why. I’m proud of myself for, at least, catching myself quickly and telling on myself, though. He sees that I’m putting more effort into this, and he appreciates that. He’s patient with me. He’s not mean to me, even when I’ve done something awful. I think he struggles sometimes with whether or how much to punish me because he doesn’t want me to conceal things next time because I’m afraid of what he’ll do. He’s teaching me that it’s always much better to show integrity and just tell the damn truth.

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Pleasure & Pain

This is the belt. It doesn’t look as scary in this picture as it is to me looking at it. It’s really thick and wide and heavy. He doesn’t even keep it hung alongside all the rest of his belts in the closet. He leaves this one sitting out on a shelf just so I have to look at it everyday when I go into our closet. It had merely been a threat, but was never more than that, until Tuesday night. Last night, Adam and I were talking about it, and he made sure to let me know that was the easiest he would ever go on me with this belt. He assured me that, next time, it will be much worse. I’m not exactly sure whether that’s “merely” a threat, or a promise? I’m not looking to find out, right now, though! I have been “softer”, more careful with my words and my attitude. When Adam tells me something, I’m listening. I don’t want to act a fool and give him the impression that he didn’t punish me hard enough. I want him to know that I heard him, I saw him, and I certainly felt him when he “corrected” me.

It’s so different, lately. It’s only been recently that Adam has been seriously holding me accountable like this. He was never afraid to call me out on my shit before, but he absolutely calls me on all of my shit now. Things I used to get away with. Things I wouldn’t have even felt particularly guilty about before now. He ain’t playin’. I like it, though. It isn’t fun having my husband lecture me and punish me, but it’s like, okay, he’s got me, and I believe that. We went through such a difficult couple of years when my mother lost her damn mind for the last time. I don’t expect her to ever find it back, either. I’ve accepted that she’s gone. In many ways, it would’ve been much less complicated had she had some terrible accident and passed away, instead. I could hang her pictures in our home. I could talk about her with my kids and not have the deep sense of fear and hurt that comes over all of us when she comes up in conversation. My kids wouldn’t have these memories of their grandmother terrorizing us, threatening, and betraying us. I don’t think this will ever just stop hurting. It’s just that, I’ve reached acceptance. While this was all happening and the shit just would not quit coming, Adam did everything he could to comfort me. His heart broke for me and for our kids. He couldn’t take the pain away for us. I’m sure that he felt helpless for awhile. I think this is how I managed to get so used to not having him call me on my bullshit. At least, not very often. Slowly, and then quickly, he’s become the king here. He’s still, and always will be, my kind and generous, my silly and fun, playful and thoughtful Adam. He’s still these amazing things, to me. He’s also my fierce protector. My rock. He can use his big hands to hold me, make love to me, to gently caress my back. He also uses them to “correct” me when I’m wrong. His hands cause me both pleasure and pain. His hands are always guided by his love for me, though. And that is something I absolutely respect. I have a whole lot’a trust and faith in Adam. It’s even still growing, recently. I think this is why I feel like I’m danged near constantly screwing up. I’m not quite used to this version of Adam now. It’s a difficult thing to put into words here, but I’m trying. Stupid crap I do that I wouldn’t have thought twice about last year, I now think over and over about. I want him to keep up what he’s been doing, but I also convince myself he won’t. I tell myself while I’m saying or doing something I probably shouldn’t eh, he won’t really punish me for this. Then, I go ahead and say it or do it. Then, I start to wonder and worry. But, what if he does care? Should I tell him now so it isn’t worse if he finds out? I get a glimpse into his mood when I talk to him and decide whether I should say anything about it. Finally, I either chicken out, or I just come clean. There are 2 reasons for each one of those decisions I make.

1) If I tell him, and he doesn’t punish me, or at least let me know that isn’t acceptable, I’m going to find it much easier to keep doing what I’m doing. I clearly feel some guilt, which suggests that I know I’ve fucked up, but if he doesn’t care, then the next time I find myself in this spot, I won’t have the guilt. I don’t want to see him as “weak”. So, I keep my mouth shut and don’t confess it to him. OR, I go ahead and tell him because, why not? He ain’t gonna be upset!

2) What if I tell him, and he does punish me? What if he brings that god darned belt out of the closet? So, I chicken out. OR, I throw caution to the wind and confess because, dammit, I should be in trouble for this!

Adam has shown me that he does, in fact, mean it. He is like the Adam I knew a few years ago, only stricter now. Maybe he’s making up for lost time? Whatever it is, I’m really trying to understand, believe, and accept that this isn’t temporary. He isn’t going to “go back” to the pushover husband he became while we processed the trauma that was happening because of my mother. I sometimes do “test” him, and I know I shouldn’t. It’s part of my learning how much of my crap he will still actually take now. A lot of the things I screw up aren’t really because I intended to “test” him, though. It’s only that I didn’t expect he would care that much or punish me. That I wasn’t expecting to feel guilty and either tell him, or get caught. I want to be a great wife to him. I truly do! He’s the best thing God ever could’ve given me. Because of Adam, I have these beautiful babies we created together. I have the most amazing life. I have a husband who lives everyday to make things easier, better for me.

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A First for Me With This Belt…

Yesterday afternoon, I had missed a call from a number I didn’t recognize, but looked local. There was no voicemail, so I left it. Then, I started to worry, because I haven’t gotten the paperwork from the doctor that the school needs just yet. I’d intended to do it on Monday, but had forgotten the kids had no school that day. Also, our daughter has been having problems with allergies and breaking out in hives out of nowhere. I decided it’s time to make her an appointment. So, I figured I could make one trip and “kill two birds with one stone”. My worry was that someone from school might’ve been calling to ask about this, and I hadn’t told Adam about what I’d decided to do. I checked in with him to see if I could gauge his mood. He seemed fine. He told me he was just real busy. Perfect, I thought, I can explain when he’s home and prevent any issues coming up now. And, that’s exactly what I did. We’d had a nice evening. We went for an extra long walk after supper. Things were great. While we were in the shower, that was my opportunity to talk alone with him. I told him about my plans and he wasn’t upset about it. As we were just getting out of the shower, he mentioned something about how he was glad I’d told him, and that it’s not an issue when I come to him and tell the truth. Then, he said something I wasn’t ready for. He brought up the doctor and how I’d at least made that phone call… To clarify why this made my heart skip a beat, I had not, in fact, spoken to the doctor. Several days ago, I’d spoken to the school nurse on the phone. When Adam questioned me about whether I’d called the doctor to get this taken care of, I told him I’d spoken to “the nurse”. I implied that, yes, I’d called the doctor’s office. I told him I needed to get something else signed off on by the doctor now and would be going in there on Monday. I didn’t do it Monday for the reasons I’ve mentioned already, which wasn’t a problem. The problem was that he specifically brought up the doctor’s office. It must’ve been written all over my face, because he gave me an intense stare and said “You lied to me? Did you lie to me?” I argued the best I could that I’d implied something. I’d sort of lied. I knew what they’d say to me, so I didn’t make that phone call. Why didn’t I just tell him that in the first place, I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t want to in case it was one of those things he would insist on and I didn’t want to have to do it. It’s the most stupid shit sometimes! Ridiculous crap that winds up becoming such a big issue because I hid it from Adam when it was a tiny issue. He wasn’t having any of my arguments about why it wasn’t exactly a lie. He was upset, maybe angry, but not mean. He went in our closet and brought his belt out. This belt that scares the heck out of me. This belt that he’s only threatened me with before. Playfully smacked me with it, but not punished me! He told me “Now this pisses me off”. I knew I wasn’t getting out of it. He was very serious. He wanted me to put my hands on the bathroom counter, away from where his belt would be swinging down. I could not make myself do that. I told him “I can’t do that.” Then, I sat down on the edge of our bath tub. As if I could’ve really saved myself by doing that… He scooped me up and I stayed in the fetal position with my knees tucked under my chin. It’s a bit of a blur to me what was happening or how, but I know he ended up sitting on the toilet lid with me in his lap. I knew I didn’t want to be swinging my head around. The bruise on my cheekbone is still a little blue from the last time he picked me up and I swung my head around and hit the corner of the wall hard. I was wearing only the towel I’d wrapped around myself after our shower, which slid up and offered my butt zero protection now. Every time he swung that belt down, I squeezed my arms tighter around his neck. My head laying on his shoulder like I’m hugging him. I know he asked me a question. Something along the lines of “Do you understand?” And, I knew the correct response was “yes, sir”. My stubbornness managed to eek out a little, because I only replied “yes”. I knew when he swung his belt back that I needed to tell him what he wanted to hear, so I said “yes, sir”. He asked me what? I said, “yes sir!” He still spanked me one last time. This morning, I can still feel exactly where his belt landed that time, too.

I don’t know if I really believed he’d spank me with that belt. I knew I didn’t want it. I wasn’t convinced he’d use it, though. I’m convinced now. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I found myself standing in front of him with my hand on my hip as if I was in control of the situation now. He was repeating to me that he was hurt that I’d lied to him. He knows it’s a dumb thing to lie about, but it takes trust away. My God, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t give him the “satisfaction” of crying tears or crying out when he spanked me, but having him look at me like that, and how hurt he was, it broke me. Seeing (and definitely still feeling) that he was not messing around was not so easy for me. I could literally feel my chin starting to quiver like a little kid does when they’re trying not to cry. I could no longer stop the tears. I felt like shit. It was also very apparent to me that this wasn’t easy for Adam, either. He felt bad, too. I do understand that position, because I’ve been there with our kids before. It isn’t fun to call out someone you love, and it definitely isn’t fun to punish them for it.

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. Adam held onto me all night. He was never cruel to me. I have zero ability to “win” when he stays calm and refuses to go along with my arguments. I have serious respect for him having the courage and strength to stand up to me. Having the wisdom to not allow me to change the subject or to anger him with my words so that he “stooped down” to my level and lost his authority in the moment. It’s a very attractive thing to see my husband like that. I am overwhelmed with emotions. I felt safe and afraid all at once when I knew he was serious with his belt in his hand. I felt unbelievably guilty when I knew he was serious. I felt quietly proud of him when I knew he was serious. I felt embarrassed and ashamed when I knew he was serious. I never felt anger. I knew he was 100% right for feeling and doing what he did. I knew I was wrong, even if I wouldn’t admit it then. I had these conflicting emotions, last night, in bed. He handled my shit and he did it in a way that worked. We didn’t fight with each other. He didn’t even raise his voice to me. Having seen (and felt) this gives me so much security because I know I can trust him. I know I can screw up, and I’ve seen that he knows exactly how to deal with it. How to avoid losing his authority in the heat of the moment and give away his own power. I don’t want him to get out that belt again. I especially don’t want him to be disappointed in me again. However, I’m fully aware that I’m a flawed human being, and I’m going to do and say stupid shit again. Hopefully not in the near future, but certainly, it’ll happen. When that happens, I do want him to always be able to make me feel this way again. Not because it’s fun. Because it works. He never once made me feel like he didn’t love me. He never once insulted me. I only felt sorry. Not angry or hurt (besides maybe my ass). We went to bed calmly. He didn’t withdraw from me. There was no yelling and nobody slept out on the couch or threatened to leave.

All I want to do now is show Adam how much I love him. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be able to trust me when I tell him something. I don’t like to make him angry. I hate to know he’s disappointed in me. I do not like his belt when he’s serious with it. I am so lucky to have someone who I can always know wants the best for me. He’s never selfish. I am, sometimes, selfish. I admire him. I hope he isn’t still feeling so disappointed in me today. I think he knows I’m truly sorry. I want him to know I’m also thankful for him, and very proud of him, too.

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What it Means to Me

Womanhood, motherhood, and marriage. What are those things, to me? Everything. I am not defined only by these things, but they are my greatest accomplishments. I wake up everyday with a desire to improve myself in those areas. I’m far from perfect. I fail sometimes. I love being a wife and mother. My own mother didn’t show me how to do these things well. I’ve just known since I was very small that I wanted to be a good wife and mama. I love being a woman. I appreciate being treated like one. Not in a sexist, misogynistic way. I’m talking about things like Adam opening the car door for me, always pumping the gas at the station, insisting that he sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he can be first to get to anyone who might enter with intentions to harm us. He lifts heavy things so that I don’t have to. With ease, he opens jars I struggle with. And, of course, he spanks my ass, occasionally with intent to “teach me a lesson”. I crave a dominant man who encourages, even insists, on my submission when it counts. I am most confident and happy when I am reminded that he is never going to let me down. I feel safe when he protects me, even if it’s from myself and my own screw ups sometimes. I’m proud to be called his wife. I’m blessed to be the mother of his children. I appreciate when he treats me like a woman. I’m not a man. That doesn’t make me less valuable. I see it as Adam showing me that he values my happiness, security, safety, and well being even more than his own. Being loved like this is something I never knew was possible.

One day, hopefully a long while from now, when my eulogy is read, if it simply says “beloved wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend”, I am most proud to have been those things.

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Too Little, Too Big

My little man had his first school dance. Last night was their Homecoming game and dance. He asked his sister and me for advice on which shirt to wear, which shoes, asked if he should put some gel or spray in his hair, and which cologne to put on. He went with a very cute little girl and had a blast. Told us all about it when we picked him up after it was over. I can’t believe my boy is getting so grown! ❤️

We have a few friends coming by tonight to sit out and play some cornhole and guitar. Adam’s grilling pork chops for us and I’m making my famous lemon pepper green beans, and some of my chili potatoes to go with. Our daughter has her best friend here for the weekend, so the kids are keeping me busy.

Last night, we sat outside while we waited for our son to call us to come pick him up from his dance. It was just Jackie, Adam, and me. Jackie said “ok, I’m just going to address the ‘elephant in the room’ because I have to tell y’all about the other night.” She told us that when Adam had pulled me into our bedroom, she could hear the dogs barking because they wanted in there with us. She could also hear what was happening in our bedroom. She said that our daughter very casually looked at her and said “oh, it’s just daddy spanking mama and the dogs want to go in there and rescue her.” Now, I don’t know that she suspects it’s anything other than the playful way he slaps my butt all the time. We certainly have never talked with our kids about how daddy punishes mama sometimes. It was so funny to Jackie how normal and casual our daughter was about overhearing us, though! We all had a good laugh about it. I have been a very good girl these last couple of days, now.

I had managed to gain 2 pounds since the start of Adam and my bet we made. He hadn’t lost any weight yet. I weighed myself right after lunch, and now, I’m weighing in at a pound lighter than when we started! That was frustrating. I really have been much more conscious of my eating habits. I make myself eat something several times throughout the day. It’s working, too, because I’m finding myself getting hungry during the day much more often. The auto immune disease I struggle with makes it harder for my body to get the nutrients from food like you’d normally get. It works better for me to eat several small “meals” a day, rather than 2 or 3 big meals. I just have to make myself slow down and take the time to do it. Adam has been working out down in our garage and taking the dog out jogging with him. He is trying, but that guy can put down food like nobody I’ve known. He isn’t overweight. He’s a big guy. He doesn’t have his six pack abs right now, though. If we can both win our bet, we will both “win” each other’s super sexy, healthy bodies! I’m going to keep working at it.

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“You clearly need a spanking”…

Need I write anymore than what’s been said through our text messages? I told him. I actually sent him the post I shared here yesterday morning. It was easier to just do that. I write from my heart on here. It’s not me thinking about what Adam would think, what anyone who reads my stuff will think. It’s me pouring out my heart and soul into a blog I started because it helps me to process my thoughts in a healthy way. I love the input I get from so many great people who genuinely root for Adam and I, too. I really should’ve said something before he was already on his way home from work. As soon as he walked in, he told us all hello, gave me a kiss, and went and changed his clothes. I started to boil the water for the macaroni and cheese I was fixing. I had meatloaf in the oven. He came to the kitchen and grabbed my hand and told me “let’s go get this over with”. I insisted I couldn’t leave, my water would boil over! He told me it would only take a minute. The dogs tried to follow. He made them leave our bedroom. He sat on our bed and pulled me over his lap. I’d made the choice to wear a cute little sundress, making it very easy for him to pull my dress up out of his way. I got spanked, but I’ve certainly had worse ones. Then, I put my face into his chest so I could recover while he held onto me for a minute. It was over. All was good. I didn’t cry. I finished supper. The kids didn’t bat an eye. Jackie heard something, no doubt, because she was helping our daughter with a homework assignment in the dining room. She said nothing, though. Adam did come up to ask her about something shortly after we came out of our bedroom and she jumped and said she thought she was in trouble 😆 She told someone who was over here the other day that there’s only two people she’s afraid of. The first one is me. The second one, she only recently discovered she was afraid of…Adam. If he can get me to mind him, he’s got something in him she’s not gonna mess with! Ever since she moved in with us, it’s impossible to hide everything from her prying eyes and ears. She’s my best friend. I had to tell her what’s up. It’s almost comical to me how Adam doesn’t give a single F*** about who everyone thinks “wears the pants” at our house. If they assume it’s me, he don’t care. He knows what’s up and he don’t care what anyone else thinks. That’s pretty much the story of our life. Most everyone who knows us because they were my friend first, assumes that I’M the pants wearer. His friends know that’s probably not the case. Jackie knows because she’s here. She’s never said anything to anybody else, that I know of? At this point, I don’t really care anymore. I’ve learned that people don’t respect me less when they find out Adam can put me in my place. They respect me the same. They just respect Adam even more because he can stand up to me! Y’all have no idea just how tough and “hard” I can be. The people who’ve known me a long time know. I ain’t no pushover. It took my Adam coming into my life to be “my person”. To be the one who holds ME accountable. The one who can call ME on my bullshit. I’m glad for it. I’m lucky for it. I even think my best friend is happy to know it ❤️

While Adam and I were laying in bed, last night, he told me he was really proud of me for telling him, even though I knew I was wrong, and even though I knew I would probably get spanked for it. I talked to him about how much I appreciate that we can have a problem, he can get upset, and then after he punishes me, it’s over. He doesn’t get angry about it ever again. It only gets brought back up if I was to repeat the same offense. He told me he doesn’t ever hold grudges with me. He wrapped his arms around me and said “I love you too much to stay angry with you.” And then…I gave him a helluva blowjob.

I feel like a weight is off of my shoulders now. I had no idea just how heavy it was getting for me to carry this dumb secret I’d been holding back. Why did I do that?? I mean, I know my own reasons why, but it was stupid. I swear, I understand my kids screw ups sometimes because of being held accountable for my own bullshit. I get it. I’m not a child. I just get why they sometimes do ridiculously dumb crap. Our kids just got progress reports…all As for our daughter and As and Bs for our son. I’m proud of our babies! Our daughter’s best friend is coming over for the weekend. She gets to spend the whole weekend here with Mj. They’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. She actually calls me “Mama” too. Her own mother isn’t her primary caregiver. I’ve helped her through lots of the trials and tribulations of being a little girl her age. It should be a fun weekend for all of us.

T.G.I.F!

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Guilty

I’ve been internally struggling with an issue for a week now. Adam and I both got phone calls from the kids’ schools telling us they need updated immunization records. Records they should already have had transferred when we moved here, but for whatever dumb reason, their old schools failed to transfer them. They asked me to contact their doctor and request their shot records be sent to their school. Unfortunately, I just know it won’t be quite that easy. Our daughter is allergic to one of the ingredients in one of the childhood vaccines kids get. I need another specific form signed by her doctor to excuse this. I’m going to have to take her out of school, drive into Nashville, and get this form filled out by her doctor now. The issue I’m having, is that I neglected to tell Adam about this. I told him I talked to the nurse and left it at that because I knew darned well he would bug me about it everyday until I got this done. I’ve had a lot to do this week, and spending the better part of a day going to the doctor’s office just hasn’t been my top “to do” yet. The worst thing is that I haven’t felt guilty for keeping this from Adam. In a weird way, I feel guilty that I don’t feel sorry. Like, I should probably have this on my conscience, but I honestly haven’t. I’ve justified my actions to myself. I didn’t do anything awful. I simply didn’t want to explain this to him until I got it done. That way, I can do it on my own schedule. Last night, I briefly mentioned something about needing to call the doctor and Adam said he thought I’d already got that done. I told him I need to call again because the school doesn’t have their records yet. I didn’t give any further explanation, though. So now, I’ve doubled down on my “half truth” I’ve been telling him. It’s the dumbest shit to be (less than) honest about. I can’t exactly get out of it now. I’m taking her in on Monday so I can get this done. I’ve debated whether to just tell Adam, or not. I’m not sure whether I’m starting to worry that he’ll be upset enough to punish me, or am I keeping this to myself because I’m pretty sure he won’t care that much and it might make it easier to do this again. I’ve got a sinking feeling starting to come over me as I’m writing this all out. Maybe I do feel kind of guilty now? How wrong am I, really, for not telling the whole truth? Is it worse that I haven’t felt any remorse for it until now, when I’m actually taking the time to write about the whole situation? What if he gets mad at me? What if he doesn’t? I truly have been wanting to give him respect since the last issue that ended with me “winning” that battle. I know it isn’t a win or lose thing. That’s why I wanted to show Adam that I mean it when I tell him I do want him to lead. To command “respect” and “obedience”. It matters to me. I guess that’s why I’ve let it get this far. A whole week of sidestepping the truth because I knew he would hold me accountable and make sure I got it done.

This brings us to my current predicament. What the hell should I do now? I’m having second, third, and fourth thoughts. Outguessing my own self here. Regret growing by the minute. I don’t know if I can bring myself to be truthful at this point. I’ve let it go too far. I don’t know how to unwind this tangled web I’ve managed to weave.

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Planting Flowers & Good Vibes

Took this last night while we went walking again to the end of our neighborhood where the wildflowers grow ❤️

The weather is starting to warm back up here. We got a taste of Fall, but weather in the south is a tease. Last Christmas, we were outside in shorts, playing basketball, and BBQ’ing for supper. I haven’t turned our AC back on just yet. Still got windows open like I’m in denial that it’s getting hot and humid out again. Back into the 90’s after today, so windows will definitely be getting closed and AC cut back on again.

It’s a long, boring story, but someone I know from my past needs my help. Someone who has been nothing but nasty to me. Someone who spent way too much time refusing to “get over” me and accept that I’ve moved on. The thing is, if I don’t help him, he’s going to lose his livelihood. He essentially asked me to sign a form saying he doesn’t owe me money. There was a judgement against him from years and years ago. I don’t want his damn money, anyway. He can’t get a loan now with this judgement showing up against him. So, I spoke with Adam and our attorney and we did some research to try to come up with a solution. It wasn’t quite as simple as signing a paper. I was able to figure out a way to satisfy the court and his bank that he does not owe me money now. I went out of my way to help someone who never would’ve done the same for me. Ya know, I feel pretty good about it. I am being the bigger person here. Adam told me he’s so proud of me, but he worries that my heart is too big. He is afraid that I’m too “soft” sometimes. He just doesn’t want to see me get hurt, and it’s not as easy for him to forgive someone who’s hurt me. The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. I don’t hate people. I tend to believe that karma is a thing that comes back around. I hope this good deed is able to do that.

I went to the store today, and I bought some mums. I’m going to go get them planted in front of our house. I’ve got some decorative pumpkins and lanterns to put out, too. I think mid September is an appropriate time to put out those things? I had left up our American flags until after September 11. They’re coming down until next summer now.

Oliver is watching for the school bus. Kids get home soon and he looks for them everyday about this time.
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Wildflowers

Last night, Adam and I went out for a walk. We’ve been walking in the evenings after supper. I picked a bouquet of wildflowers along the way. There are lots of homes still being built near us, so there is also land that hasn’t been built on yet that has the prettiest variety of wildflowers.

I think I was PMS’ing, because, holy moly did I get a wave of grouchy shortly after we got back home. I did my best to avoid being bitchy toward anyone, and I think I handled myself fairly well, but shoooot. I honestly didn’t even feel like having sex when we went to bed. That is almost unheard of. I am always ready to get it on with my husband. I didn’t deny him or let him know I felt that way. I decided to just go with it, regardless of whether I felt like it. A funny thing happened when I did that. My mood improved. I felt closeness and security from Adam. I enjoyed it in spite of myself. It’s kind of amazing how sex with my man can bring up so many positive emotions. It can take my mind off a bad day. It can bring us back together after an argument. It can assure us both of our love and devotion to one another. It shows me Adam’s strength and his gentleness. It also seemed to cure my premenstrual syndrome blues! I understand why the Bible says not to deprive one another of our bodies. Sex is healing in a way that other things just can’t be.

On Sunday afternoon, Adam and I were playing around and he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. As he was walking through the hallway, I jerked my head up and smacked my face right on the corner wall. I have a not so cute black eye now! When I was in high school, I got a black eye pitching in softball once, but haven’t ever had another besides that, until now. I could probably get away with about anything if I wanted to. Adam feels sooo bad about it.

It’s another gorgeous start to the day here. I’m fixing to go sit outside for a few minutes before I get going for the day. Adam is stuck at a computer at work all day today. He’s usually out and about, so I know he’s going to hate having to sit inside and miss out on this weather. Maybe we’ll go for another wildflower picking adventure tonight 🙂

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Strong Women

It can be hard to reconcile the juxtaposition that is me. I am mighty. I have a whole lot of fight in me. I have felt helpless and alone and afraid. I have clawed and fought my way out of tough places. I have managed to make something of myself, all by myself. Then, I met Adam. Somehow, without my even realizing it was happening, he managed to become someone I couldn’t imagine living without. He has spent years figuring me out, and continues to do so. Hell, I don’t know what it is that I need sometimes. It isn’t always easy for me to let go of the fighter in me. She comes out sometimes. That isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Only Adam can ever quell her, though. I can sink my teeth in and refuse to let go. Why? Your guess is as good as mine! I regret it when I’ve done it to Adam, and especially when I’ve succeeded. I can get a feeling of euphoria at first. Pride in myself, that I am still strong enough. It probably seems evil and manipulative. I don’t intend it to be like that. I absolutely hate to hurt my husband. I suppose, sometimes, the little girl who couldn’t ever stand up for herself comes out fighting mad. It’s both terrifying and intensely freeing to be able to step back and allow my husband to lead. To be my safe place. It’s never that I don’t trust him. I don’t think so, anyway? I think it’s more about feeling like I have to prove something to myself. To prove that, if he leaves me, I can still find myself. What if… What if I turn into my mother one day? What if I do or say something so awful that he does give up on me? You’d think those fears would encourage me to never do or say ridiculous crap. Nope. I’m a hot mess. I think I can best explain it that, when I’m completely confident that he has got this, that is my happy place. When that confidence waivers, I haul ass in the other direction. Not always. Not even usually. Sometimes. Sometimes I do that. I start to think maybe he’s not going to be able to handle my shit, so I “bail”.

I am recognizing that this is a me problem. One I need to work on. I can be motivated so strongly by doubt and fear. I feel great when I park my butt in the passenger seat and allow my husband to drive. Yet, when doubt and fear creep in, I tell myself I need to be able to control the wheel in case he can’t or won’t anymore. The “what if” mentality takes over. What if I let go so fully that I forget how to even drive? It is not all that easy for a strong woman to give in. I worked for years to build my own strength up. It’s almost as if I feel I need to keep doing some “heavy lifting” so that I retain the muscles it takes if I no longer have someone else to help me. I don’t know if this will make sense to anybody but me here? I’ve been reflecting and once again, coming to a better understanding of myself. I’m recognizing where I’m flawed and how it affects my relationship. I’m pondering ways that I can improve and grow.

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9/11

I woke up to a text from my daughter saying “Mama, Panda ate Harry”. I’ve had a moth who hangs out in the kitchen on the ceiling for almost the whole summer. I named him “Harry”. Panda is our cat. Our cat ate my moth friend from the kitchen.

We had a great time last night. I ended up drinking three tall glasses of beer while we were there. I wasn’t sloppy drunk or anything, but had a good buzz going. It definitely helped me to get up and sing when the time came! I couldn’t keep my eyes open on the drive home. We left the bar by 10:30pm, so it wasn’t that late, but I guess the alcohol mixed with the relief of having the performance over had me exhausted.

Jackie came up with me 🙂

My sister’s Jeep needs a part that they can’t get today, so Adam gets to stay home and hang out with us. It’s a rainy day here. Perfect for a lazy Sunday. Today is 9/11. It’s been 21 years since our country was thrown into chaos and terror. I remember being in class and the teacher brought in a TV so we could watch what was happening. They let us out of school early after the first tower fell. I will never forget the things I saw and felt that day. I also have tremendous respect for all the amazing hero’s who stepped up. So many regular people who did whatever they could to help others. I have great pride in the way our country came together that day and in the days following. Queen Elizabeth also passed away this week. She broke tradition and had them play our star spangled banner as a show of love and support for America after the attack. I have no opinion on the monarchy, but I think it was amazing of her to do that.

I have been behaving extremely well these last few days in an effort to give Adam my own show of respect. My writing can be less interesting, I suppose, but I want him to know he’s still my king. ❤️

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Busy Weekend

Last night, we sat out on the patio under the deck for awhile. Adam had to go into work early this morning, so we didn’t stay up super late. He’s going to try to be home by this afternoon so we can get ready for the show tonight. One of our friend’s band is playing at a local place here. He asked me to come sing back up for him. My dad is also doing a cameo performance 😉

Tomorrow, Adam is going to fix my sister’s Jeep for her. I don’t have a clue what the problem is, just know that Adam knows how to fix it. He can work on most any vehicle, even though that has never been a job he’s had or been paid for. It comes in pretty handy having a husband who knows how to fix shit, though! I feel bad for him because he isn’t going to get a break this weekend at all. I tried to talk him into just waiting until next weekend to work on her Jeep, but he insisted he’s going to do it tomorrow. Ain’t gonna argue about it, just feel sorry he won’t get to lay around and watch football on Sunday.

I put a pork roast in my crockpot so that we can have pulled pork sandwiches for supper tonight before we go to the bar for the show. I’ve got a sitter lined up for the kids and popcorn, root beer, and ice cream sandwiches they can all munch on tonight while we’re gone. They always like it when mom and dad go out, because they get lots of snacks and watch movies.

I have been eating as much pastas and bread and protein as I can fit in my stomach, and I’ve lost a pound. Adam has been running in the evenings and working out, and he hasn’t lost any weight yet, either. So, neither of us is winning our bet, so far. Jackie and I were talking about putting some work out equipment down in our garage. I think we would all enjoy it! I used to be ripped. I love weight training. Our son is in baseball and he’s working hard to get stronger, so he was also excited about our work out idea for the garage. Muscle does weigh more than fat, they say. Maybe I could gain me some muscle weight!

I’m thinking I’m going to run a bubble bath and soak in the tub for awhile. My stomach is a little upset, which I attribute to nerves about performing tonight. I have an auto immune disease that really messes with my belly, too. That is why it’s much harder for me to gain weight and keep it on. Hopefully, tonight is a good, fun night out!

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I Won

I felt very strongly that I was not going to spend money for glasses I neither needed, nor wanted. In fact, I was willing to risk consequences for it. I knew with near 100% certainty that Adam was not going to spank me for it. I felt a little guilty for calling him on it, but I also felt I was doing the right thing. I’m not supposed to “brag” about it, but I did succeed at convincing Adam that I was in the right this time. I love him. I want to see him hold his ground (most of the time). I don’t know how the hell to submit when I absolutely disagree with something, though? I don’t want to just bust his balls. It’s sexy and he assures me that he really is the boss, the leader when he doesn’t back down. I don’t know how to explain it, because that’s exactly what I want (most of the time). This time, with this issue, I meant it as much as he thought he meant it. When I was finally able to do a better job of explaining where I was coming from, I think he understood that I wasn’t simply being a disobedient, disrespectful, brat this time. I wasn’t playing him. I could’ve done a better job of getting my side heard while continuing to be more respectful. I could’ve just shut up and did as he told me to. I could’ve. The question for me was, should I? Is this a time when I should stand my ground? I asked myself those questions. I honestly don’t know whether it’s partly because I’m stubborn as fuck, or all because I truly felt like I was right this time. If I had believed he would really spank me, would I have spoken up? I can’t answer that question, either. I think I still would have. I’m pretty sure I would’ve. I know I sincerely felt I was doing the right thing. I wonder then, did he sincerely feel he was doing the right thing? Figuring out how we handle disagreements like this in the future is not going to be easy. It is easy to accept and submit to Adam when I feel like he’s right. I want to be respectful, even when I feel he’s wrong. I want him to demand I be respectful, even when I don’t agree with him. I know I want that. What do I want when I’m sure I’m right, though? Do I want to win? I think so. I’m not exactly sure. I do root for Adam. I very much want him to feel confident and to not allow me to threaten his ability to lead with that confidence in himself. I found myself in a situation where I had such conflicting emotions. On one hand, I don’t want him to let me argue my way out. On the other hand, I want to argue because I deeply feel that I am not wrong! On one hand, I insist on having this go my way. On the other hand, I recognize that I am probably undermining my husband’s authority.

This is all my honest to God truth. I’m conflicted. I’m unsure. I’m doubtful and hopeful at the very same time. I know for sure that I wasn’t simply attempting to “play” on Adam’s emotions so that I could “win” this argument. I’m also sure that I don’t want this to be the beginning of the end of his reign as my king. I want to be his queen. I want to be second in command. It’s a weird thing to truly want those things, meanwhile also fight for his crown sometimes. I believe with all of my heart that every decision he makes is what he believes is best for his family. The next time something like this happens, I know I need to work on more clearly explaining my disagreement. I need to work harder on doing it without making Adam feel disrespected. I’m not going to pretend like the possible threat of my butt being whipped isn’t a deterrent. It can be a big reason for me to avoid doing or saying something. There’s another thing, maybe even worse than a spanking, though. If I feel positive his threats are empty, and then I “win”, his ability to lead is shattered. His confidence is lost. His manhood is damaged. He’s so kind and good to me. I don’t want to take advantage of that. I didn’t mean to do that, if that’s what it seems I did. My goal was to save money I didn’t think I needed to spend on myself. My goal was never to crush my husband. I just pray that isn’t what happened. Whether or not it was my intention doesn’t matter if we come away from this with bad attitudes. If I get cocky and he no longer holds his position as the head of our family, we both lose. I know for sure that I don’t want that, either. So, did I win? Yes and no I suppose.

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It’s Still a NO From Me

Adam keeps telling me to make the stupid eye doctor appointment for myself, and I keep repeating that I’m not going to do that. It isn’t necessary! He insists that I agreed to do it this last weekend, when he punished me for being dishonest about missing our son’s appointment. It’s such a silly thing, but I’m just not gonna do it. I’m feeling seriously grumpy about it. Maybe it’s a dumb “hill to die on”, but dammit, I’m not backing down here. I’m happy to bring our son in. He needs contacts so he can wear them for baseball practice and games this year. That makes sense. It’s nothing but a waste of time and money for me to go in, though. Maybe I am being stubborn, disrespectful, disobedient…but I don’t feel wrong in my decision. I don’t honestly believe his “threats”. No way he’s going to spank me because I refuse to spend money on something I don’t need, or even want!! So, that’s where I stand.

On another note, Adam and I made a bet the other day. I’ve lost weight this last year. I had finally put on a healthy 15 pounds a couple of years ago, getting up to about 108 pounds. It looked good on me. The stress and my belly issues got to me over the last several months, and I’m back down to just about 92 -93 pounds. I would like to gain some healthy weight again, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds to do that. We decided that we’d give each other 2 full months and I would gain at least 10 pounds, while he would lose 10 pounds. We set 15 pounds as both of our goals, but 10 as a minimum requirement for our bet. We’ve got until November 7. Updates forthcoming!

My sister is having a baby girl due in November. Our daughter has a “double name”, nicknamed “MJ”. Her daughter’s will also be a double name, shortened to “PJ”. Jackie and I are throwing her a baby shower soon. We’ve been buying decorations and planning the games and food and all that. It’s been really fun watching my sister grow into her role as a new wife and mama. My wild, crazy sister is domesticated now! Her husband is a great man, too.

I’m going to go get some coffee and to sit out on our deck for awhile before it gets hot out. I have a couple of small errands to run, but otherwise, just staying home and getting some housework done today. I’ll post about it when I win this ridiculous eye doctor appointment debate with Adam.

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🙄

Adam’s the bacon maker at our house. He always cooks it best.

Adam wants me to go into the eye doctor with our son so I can get new glasses. I hardly ever wear them anyway! The ones I have are fine. He told me, when I forgot our son’s appointment, to make myself one too. I don’t need to. He’s being a butthead…

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Bail Money?

I marked out my protest sign to avoid any conflict when I shared this on here 🙂

We had a great time this morning at our little “rally”! Met a lot of cool people. The Army chaplain even came over to tell us he supported what we were doing and he said a prayer with the group of us. When we were finished, Jackie and I decided to call Adam and pretend like I had gotten arrested there. She’s really good at making stuff up for a laugh, so she called Adam and, unbelievably, he wasn’t even upset! She told him she was on her way to bail me out. A few minutes later, he text to tell her work was slow, so he would meet her there. I immediately called him to tell him nooo, don’t do that! We’re just playing! I was seriously starting to panic. It turns out, he knew we were full of it, so he turned the joke around on us… It’s been a wild morning.

Today is my little girl’s birthday. I’ve got an ice cream cake I’m going to make her and she requested “breakfast” for supper tonight. Going to make scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, and hash browns. I don’t make grits. I know we’re in the south, but eew. I don’t drink sweet tea either.

It’s a busy day here at my house, so I don’t have much else to report today.

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Happiness is…

I woke up at 4:30am wide awake and ready to start my day. I got up with Adam and used the hour and a half I had before it was time to get the kids up for school to drink my coffee and make some muffins for the kids. I’ve gotten a load of laundry folded and put away, dishwasher unloaded and reloaded with breakfast dishes, paid bills for the week, planned our menu for the week and ordered the groceries I need for them. Ordered some new baseball pants for our son, picked up the kids play area and made up all the beds. Jackie went into the office today, so I’m home all alone. Put some music on and enjoying this time by myself now.

My Dad’s been filming for a new show that will be coming out about what he does for a living. He’s in the music industry, of course, this is Nashville, Tennessee. I’m really happy for him! He’s the most humble, talented, creative, and amazing person. He’s going to be doing a song this Saturday where we’re playing as well. I’m excited because he’s always asked to play, but never has played at this place. He just comes to support everyone else. We finally talked him into it! My voice is back to nearly 100%. I think it’s going to be a fun Saturday night. I’ll make sure we get pictures 🙂

Yesterday was a quiet day. We didn’t do a whole lot of anything. Adam grilled us some really good spicy chicken for supper. I’m fixing to scrub the floorboards around the house and clean the grout in Adam and my shower. Super interesting stuff like that 😆 It’s a beautiful day, though. I feel awesome and energized. I appreciate the simple days like this. So does Adam…and my behind.

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The Podium We’re Placed On

In our home, we recognize God as being the One who stands on the highest podium. Adam is placed on the second highest, followed by myself, on the third. I’ve realized that we hold those places based on a combination of our own desire and willingness to be there, as well as our unique abilities to keep each other “in our place”. We are accountable to one another. When I attempt to remove myself from my podium, Adam is charged with the responsibility to ensure that I remain where I belong. If Adam steps off his podium, he loses the authority he is charged with, and the respect given to him. I am in danger of jumping off of mine when he isn’t holding his place, also. I have been learning that the best way to ensure that he stays on his podium, is to remain tightly clinging to my own. When I recognize there is a real danger that he might be about to abandon his post, it is like instinct for me to want to jump from mine as well. It takes strength and sheer determination to choose not to do so. I’ve discovered that there is much benefit to this. I can both encourage my husband to either get right back up on his podium, or maybe even avoid him leaving it at all. I confirm to him my devotion to submission. Much like I “test” Adam at times to assure myself that he does “mean it”, I can show him that I, too, “mean it” when I reaffirm my desire to keep him in his role as a leader. I have a different hand in this “card game” we’re playing, but it’s still a powerful one when used correctly. I don’t spank him when he misbehaves. He still has accountability, though. It has only recently began to dawn on me that I have power, too. That I have the ability to, at least, encourage my husband to stay in his rightful place. I know I can’t force it, but I have a very large influence on his ability and willingness to stand tall on his podium. I also have the ability to discourage him in his role. To make him feel weak, powerless, and unwilling. He has never remained in those feelings for long, but my deepest fear has always been that he might give up on me.

It is a lifelong work in progress to learn how best to serve one another. We fail sometimes. We succeed often. These are my thoughts today. Life happens, we learn and grow from it, and our bond is made even stronger as a result.

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I Broke Our #1 Rule

Adam and I slept in on Saturday morning until nearly 8:00am. He and our son cut the grass while our daughter and I did some laundry together. It started to storm and rained enough to put us in a flood advisory by early afternoon. We sat in the family room and watched movies with the kids most of the afternoon. Adam grilled some burgers and brats for supper. I made some pasta salad to go with. It was a really nice, easy day!

Oliver stole my spot when I got up!

Saturday evening, we decided to play some card games with friends. Jackie had apologized earlier in the day and things were fine between us again. We went to bed a little after midnight and all was well, until I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach. I had lied to Adam on Saturday morning about something incredibly stupid. I had scheduled an eye exam appointment for our son that was on Saturday morning at 10:20am. I’d gotten a call confirming the appointment on Friday and then, I received a text Saturday morning at 10:30am telling me the appointment had been canceled and to call to reschedule… because we hadn’t shown up. A little later, Adam had asked me “wasn’t his appointment this morning?” Instead of just being honest, I told him it was rescheduled and that I’d gotten a phone call about it a couple days ago. This wasn’t exactly a “lie”, but it wasn’t the truth, either. I truly didn’t even feel a little bit guilty about it yesterday. When I woke up today, though, I kept thinking what if he finds out? I finally got the nerve to ask Adam to come take a shower with me. This is a big, waving, red flag for him, because he knows I often ask to do this when I need to tell him something that he doesn’t want to hear.

When we got in the shower, I told him “I think I need to tell you about something, but I really don’t want to.” He was in such a good mood, too. I was seriously wrestling with myself about whether to say anything about it. It took me awhile to spit it all out. I kind of tried to lay out my defense as I explained the whole situation to Adam. He stood there looking down at me for an uncomfortably long time. When he finally spoke, he said what I already knew. “If I’d have just told him the truth yesterday, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal”. He told me he was disappointed in me, and that it does piss him off that I lied to him. My behind has purple spots on it now from just his hand being used to spank me. I have never actually gotten bruises before! I think it’s a combination of my immune system being run down, not eating well the last several weeks, low iron, and…his hand can do some damage when he wants it to. It hurts almost as bad as a spanking when he tells me he’s disappointed in me. I do feel sorry for that. When it was over, he wrapped his arms around me and told me how much he loves me and that he never wants to hurt me. He let me stay in his arms with my face buried in his chest for as long as I needed. And then, all was forgiven. It was over. The weight was lifted from my conscience. Later, I showed him the results of the spanking he’d given me, but just a little while after, I was being mouthy, and he grabbed a wooden spoon from the utensil holder in the kitchen and swatted my butt a few times with absolutely no hesitation. He definitely didn’t use as much force as he could’ve, but it still stung like hell! I have come to the conclusion that it would not be a wise choice to do anything more to get myself into trouble right now.

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Not on MY Watch

We got our patio set up last night. It was a lot of fun making it pretty down there.

Screen door over there is a project Jackie is working on 🙂

Jackie had a friend come by and we all played corn hole for awhile. We were having a lot of fun, but Jackie had too much to drink. She tends to get dramatic and then angry when she does that. For some reason, she started to get after Adam. He wouldn’t ever talk to her like she was talking to him, but I sure as hell will. I finally had enough and, I kept my cool, but we went inside and she knew I wasn’t very happy with her. I love her to death, but don’t fuck with my husband. When we went inside, Adam told me thank you for sticking up for him and that he thought it was hot as hell that I did that.

I’m sure she will be sorry. Probably hung over as well. She’s one of the many people who won’t ever step to me because she knows I’m a force to be reckoned with. In high school, I could be a “mean girl”, but I’ve left that behind me. I never want to hurt anyone. I don’t back down, though. I have no doubt that, if she even remembers last night, things will be just fine today. I love to drink a couple beers and hang out with friends and family, but I can’t stand drunkenness. People get so stupid!

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Finally Got Out With Jackie

Jackie took this and I sent it to Adam this morning
And then…I text him this one. I get hell for leaving my car on E 😂

It was a really fun day with a lot of laughs! Just waiting on Adam to get home now so he can help us hang up our patio lights. We found lots of stuff for our deck and patio today. Had my trunk filled!

The results of our shopping excursion today
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“Be Good”?

I got a call from a singer/songwriter friend of ours yesterday. He wants me to come sing back up for him Saturday after this one. We’ve done this several times at this bar, and it’s a lot of fun. My voice is shot right now. I’m so hoarse and squeaky. Surely it’ll be better next week?? He told me to take a couple shots of whiskey and I’ll feel much better. Eew. Nah. As long as my voice returns, it will be a lot of fun, though.

Jackie and I have all kinds of plans today. We got some strings of globe lights to hang under the deck here that will hang over the patio downstairs. I’ve wanted to do this for awhile now. I’ll take pictures when we get them up! We’re also going to a few fun stores today. Adam didn’t have to go into work as early as usual this morning, so I got up while he was still getting ready. As he was leaving, he told me to “be good”. I replied that I’m always good. Then, I laughed and I told him “Actually, Jackie and I have lots of plans today, so maybe you did need to tell me that”. He shook his head and said, “you’d better not”. Today is Friday, and it’s a 3 day weekend for us because Monday is “Labor Day”. Adam and the kids are all home for it. Even though I sound terrible, I feel pretty good, and I’m excited for it to be the weekend.

Adam keeps telling me to “rest my voice”, but it doesn’t seem to help. I sound worse when I haven’t talked for awhile. There’s not a chance in hell I’m going to hang out with my best friend all day and not speak! Jackie and I also have plans to attend a “rally” or “protest” walk next Wednesday. The flyer for it says, “help us be their voice and show them we care!” Hopefully, I can still do that! We’re making signs and I am excited to be a part of something that matters to me.

I don’t have much else to report today. I guess we’ll see how much trouble I wind up getting myself into with Jackie today 😆 I don’t intend to. It’s always a possibility when we’re together, though. We really are Lucy and Ethel sometimes.

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Love Unconditionally

Last night, I was telling Adam about a comment on my post from yesterday. It essentially said that he’s showing me love, even when he gets out his belt. He said “That’s exactly what I always try to tell you!” Of course, I know this. I know he never wants to hurt me. He and I both can enjoy when he gives me a playful spanking. Neither of us enjoy it when he’s not playing. He often tells me that it isn’t fun for him to have to punish me. He has let a lot of shit go for this very reason. He loves me and he hates when I’m sad, afraid, or especially, when I cry.

I was sitting out on our deck last night with Jackie. The weather has been getting cooler in the evenings and early mornings. I love being able to be outside. We were having fun chatting and listening to music. Adam came out to ask me if I was ready to go take a shower with him. I sarcastically told Jackie, “Sorry, my dad’s making me go inside”. I can’t even remember what else I was being a smart ass about once we got in the shower, but Adam told me I was being “mouthy”. I kind of was. We started to (playfully) argue about something I also can’t remember now, and I told him he was lying like a rug”. He smacked my butt and told me “say it again”. Which (to me) clearly means, “fuck around and find out”! So, I said it again. He spanked me harder. This went a few more rounds before he warned me he could keep it up all night. It was silly and playful, but he would not let me “win” this. I am stubborn. I don’t give up easily. I kept it up a little longer. I spelled out L-I-A-R. My behind was red as hell before I finally gave up. He did, eventually, “win”.

This morning, I’m feeling better than I was, but I’m losing my voice. I sound like heck, but feel pretty good. I’ve got the windows open and I’ve got the kids off to school. Going to get me a cup of coffee and go sit outside for awhile before I start my work here at home. Jackie is home the next several days, so I think we are going to clean out the boxes in the garage and get some more storage totes to label and nicely stack some things away. Adam took her car to work and left his truck so we can load some things up and bring them to recycling. Tomorrow, we are going to take our long overdue shopping trip.

She’s enjoying the weather this morning, too.
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Pillow Talk

I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat and my headache had returned. I was pretty grumpy about it. I’m testing negative for covid now, so I don’t know what is going on? Our friend, Biscuit, came over to detail my car. I had to pick him up yesterday because he buys and sells vehicles all the time and he didn’t have one right now. It was super hot out yesterday afternoon, so he worked on it when the sun went down and stayed the night here so he could get up early this morning to finish. It’s actually beautiful out this morning! I’ll have to drive him back home later today, which is going to suck because construction on the interstate here is making traffic even worse than it usually is.

Adam and I were talking last night about how good I’ve been about staying several steps away from “crossing the line”.

I’m sure it helps that I haven’t had but one day where I’ve felt great in the last week. Adam mentioned that I’m probably making my blog pretty boring right now. I told him I don’t do crap to upset him just so I can write about it! I like it when he is proud of me and when I have absolutely nothing giving me a guilty conscience. That doesn’t mean I won’t find a way to get in trouble one of these days, but I do enjoy the nice, quiet evenings with him.

We have sex literally everyday, at least once, most of the time. I couldn’t while I had a kidney infection, obviously, but other than things like that, we both like to get it on! I think we were both exhausted last night. It was one of those rare nights when we just fell asleep together, instead. I slept with my head on his chest all night long. When I’m sleeping on him, and it’s time for him to get up, he always takes his pillow and slides it sideways next to me, under my head, so I don’t wake up. I didn’t ever know about this until awhile back. I told him I notice that I must take his pillow after he gets up, because I wake up a lot of mornings and I’m laying on it. He told me he’s done that for years. I had no idea! I know that seems like such a small thing, but it meant a lot to me. I love how well he takes care of me. That he thinks of things to do for me that I might not even realize he’s done. It is just another way he shows me he loves me ❤️

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Up on my “High Horse”

I might’ve been a little “cocky”, arrogant, “lippy”, last night. I felt so good by yesterday evening. Got my energy back, my appetite’s returning…as well as my attitude. I was being a smart ass and told Adam I’m excited because I’m not standing right on the “edge of a cliff” with him, so I’ve got several steps I can take before I’m near the edge (the belt) again. I’ve got no guilt on my conscience at all right now. He reminded me how easy it seems to be for me to find my way right back to the “cliff” again. I said “I ain’t scared.” He threw me down on the bed and took his shirt off. He quickly removed my clothes and climbed on top of me. It definitely wasn’t the sweet, gentle, making love kind of sex. He was putting me “in my place”. It was sexy as hell, though.

Today, I’m listening to a new playlist I made. I felt like putting on a pretty little sundress and doing my hair and makeup. I’m cleaning and hanging out with my daughter. She’s feeling much better today, too. I think she’ll be able to go back to school tomorrow. I really want to add to the tattoo on my arm that my brother and sister and I have, and I got a great idea that just came to me. I’m feelin’ a bit ornery. Trying to channel it into things that don’t get me into trouble. I guess we’ll see where this magical day takes us?

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Blessed but Boring Sunday

I found this leaf shaped like a perfect heart last night!

We ended up going over to my Dad’s house and listening to some music last night. It was a lot of fun! Kiddos stayed home and Jackie took very good care of my poor sick baby. She’s doing much better today, just needs to be kept on Tylenol and Motrin to keep her fever down. It’s over 90 degrees out and probably 99% humidity, but she’s wrapped up in a blanket. Oliver is watching over her, too ❤️

Between being down with covid and finally getting through the 2 weeks I couldn’t spend money, I haven’t given Adam any reasons to be upset with me. It’s been pretty quiet and uninteresting here I guess! We’ll see how long it lasts, but for now anyway, no cause for any mention of that dreaded belt of his. I’m doing some laundry and cleaned the kitchen. Adam and our son are outside cutting the grass. It’s looking like a blessed, but rather boring Sunday at our house. When I’m feeling 100%, my brain will both come up with ideas for better blog posts, and ways to get into trouble again at some point, I’m sure.

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Stupid GD Covid…

Jackie took this last night when she got home. I was starting to feel crappy and Adam was holding me ❤️

Last night, Adam and I sat out back and set up corn hole. It was fun to just hang out with him. This is the first Saturday he’s taken off work in a long time, so we usually don’t do much on Friday nights. We had plans to go watch a football game with my sister and her husband, and then head to my Dad’s. So, I talked him into staying home today so we could do all of that. We can’t go to my sister’s now because she’s pregnant and definitely doesn’t need covid. There’s still a chance we’ll make it over to my Dad’s house this evening to sit out and watch some friends play guitar and sing their songs.

I have a headache that won’t quit and I’m feeling very tired today, but I’m going to take a nap and try to rally. I’ve been so looking forward to a music night with our friends! Maybe next week, Jackie and I can make our shopping trip that we intended to do this weekend. Adam gave me a budget for our excursion, but it shouldn’t be hard to stick to.

I’m exhausted. I’ll write something more tomorrow if there’s anything to say!

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Y’all…..It Frickin’ Figures

I’ve been feeling kind of crappy the last few days, and I just knew being at the hospital, where sick people go, I would end up with covid again. Darn it if I wasn’t right…. I have been achy in my head and neck and shoulders. My Apple Watch keeps telling me my heart rate rose above 100 while I appear to be inactive, which is a symptom I’ve had every time I’ve had covid. Never happens to me anytime besides with stupid covid. I’ve never been any sicker with it than with a regular head cold, but I get it that not everyone is that fortunate. My son was home yesterday with mild cold like symptoms, but he’s fine now. Still home just in case, but he feels good. My daughter has been perfectly fine and Adam has never had symptoms when we’ve all had covid. So, I guess Jackie and my shopping trip is going to have to be postponed ☹️ It figures…

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Freedom Rings on Saturday!

I pray that my greatest achievement in life is to have given my babies a childhood that they don’t ever have to recover from. I know that they’ve already seen things that hurt them. I understand I can’t shelter them from all of the pain life throws at everyone. I just hope to God that, when they look back, I am remembered as their safe place. That home is always a place they can go to for comfort and love.

I shared yesterday’s blog post with Adam last night. He has witnessed much of it, but I’d never really talked much about that part of my childhood. Just a couple of years ago, he was the one calling 911 while I hid upstairs with our kids because my mother was trying to break a window to get inside our house. He’s seen plenty. I know this is why I didn’t write much here for long periods of time. Not only because I wasn’t in a place where I could write about my life. Also because Adam was so busy trying to protect me and do everything he could to help me get through it, he wasn’t holding me accountable very often. I believe it hurts him almost as much as it hurt me because he can’t make it all better. We moved, which helped a ton. My mother has no idea where we live now. It’s only been recently that Adam has begun to hold me more accountable for things. This, I’m sure, is why I push him lately. We have sort of started over after a long “break”. When Adam called me into our bedroom a few days ago, Jackie had taken the kids downstairs. She told me our son was saying “oh, they’re having one of their talks and made another comment about how Adam was using his dad voice, so he knew mama was in trouble and he felt sorry for me. I thought it was cute. He’s been on the receiving end of plenty of Adam’s “talks” when he’s in trouble as well. It doesn’t bother me if the kids understand that their dad is in charge of everyone, even mama. I used to worry that they might respect me less if they knew Adam could call me into our bedroom and use the “dad voice” on me too. They clearly know that he does, though, and they’re still plenty afraid of their mama!

I have ONE more day until I’m no longer being scrutinized for every single purchase I make!! Adam told me I can go shopping with Jackie on Saturday. Yesterday was her birthday. We already have plans for the places we’re going this weekend. Hobby Lobby, for sure. We’re also going to hit up a few thrift shops so we can hunt for treasures that we can repurpose into beautiful things again. I can’t wait!!!

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Don’t Leave Me

I’ve been alone with my thoughts for awhile this morning, and I just had a very deep realization. My mom has left more than once. She would be angry. I’d have no idea what I did wrong most of the time. I’d think back to something I’d done or said before and explain to myself that this was why. When I was about 11 years old and my brother was 10, she had one of those days. She was angry and yelling and throwing things. We snuck out through the back door and ran about 3 miles, in our bare feet, on a rock road, to our Grandma’s house. This did not turn out to be a wise choice because Grandma called our mother. Fortunately, by the time we were taken home, our dad was home. We got the silent treatment from her. She wouldn’t even look at me. I drew her a picture and wrote her a poem to say I was sorry. I’d made a home made envelope to put my note in and I peeked around the corner when I saw her get up to go get her morning coffee. She threw it in the garbage can without even opening it. She never had any problems calling me a “bitch” a “slut” or plenty of other cruel things. She would yank me out of the bed I was sleeping in and drag me by my hair. Slap my face hard enough she busted my lip open. I walked on eggshells most of my childhood around her. Always wondering what will her mood be now? As a teenager, I completely rebelled. She couldn’t hurt me anymore. I moved out when I was 17 years old. My relationship with her actually got a lot better after my first child was born. She was doing really well and seemed to have completely changed. I think she had, for awhile. About 4 years ago, she started taking a whole variety of prescription meds she got from different “doctors”. She changed into someone I recognized well from my childhood. She could look at me and spew the most hateful things from her mouth and I’d look into her eyes and all I saw was empty nothing. She didn’t give any fucks about me anymore. Or my children. When we finally had to tell her no more, I had to take her to court and ask for a restraining order…against my own mother. Once this happened, she began a war to hurt me in any way that she could. She called child services and claimed I abused my kids. She accused me of still being an addict. I had a brief struggle years ago, but never again. I will never be my mother!!! She turned people who were like family against me with lies she told. She would come over and try to get into our house. Our kids hid in their rooms while she screamed that she would kill everyone inside if we didn’t open the door. She kicked and broke most of my yard lights around my flower bed. Killed a bunch of my flowers by pulling or kicking them out. There was a period of time when I had to prepare my children on where to go hide if my mother came to the house and got inside. There’s so much I could write here, but I think I’ve gotten into it enough for now.

I realized, I have trauma from this. It occurred to me that maybe this is why I’m so afraid that my husband might not love me when I screw up. Maybe this is why I’m so afraid to look into his eyes and not see his love for me in them, even when I’m wrong. Maybe this is also why I so want him to stand up to me before it gets bad. To stop me before I turn into a monster. I need to know that he is looking out for me, for us. I also need to know that he isn’t going to leave me. I have a real fear of that now. One that I didn’t have until the last few years. I never thought of myself as needy or clingy at all. It is so reassuring to hear him remind me that he loves me. To look into his eyes and not ever see hatred. To feel his touch and know that his hands are always guided by love for me. Even when I’m in trouble. Even if he’s got me bent over with his belt on my behind. As long as I always know he loves me, and he’ll never leave me, I feel safe. When he gets upset, even if it comes to the damn belt, he still loves me and wants the very best for me.

I learned this about myself just now. Sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee. I figured out a little more about who I am, what I need, and even why.

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I Saved My A$$ With the Truth

Those stupid stinkin’ dish towels…I really did go online and cancel the order. Unfortunately, I found out they were already prepared for shipping and they arrived yesterday afternoon. I put them in our bedroom, on my nightstand. I decided I’m just going to be honest. My first thought was to put them up somewhere until next week so he never had to know about this. I knew that could backfire, though. When Adam gets home, he always comes into the kitchen to kiss me hello and then to our bedroom so he can change out of his work clothes. I followed him into our room and I shut the door and laid it out for him. I told him I really had tried to cancel it, but I couldn’t even prove that because it doesn’t show that I tried anywhere, but please believe me on this. One thing I don’t do is lie to his face. His trust in that is very very important to me. I can’t jeopardize that over some dish towels. He looked at me with a smirk on his face and pulled me in for a hug. He told me he believed me. Then he got out his belt and came over to me. I could tell he wasn’t angry with me. I was still very nervous about that damn belt, though. He playfully smacked my behind once with it, but not hard. He said he wasn’t upset and again told me he believed me. He also mentioned that I saved my ass tonight because he was actually going to ask me to show him my Amazon account orders. Had I chosen not to tell the truth, he would’ve seen those towels were delivered. He told me if I’d done that, he would’ve “whipped my butt” with this, as he held up his belt. Thank GOD I thought better of ever trying to hide this from him. I’m not using the towels until this week is over, but I can keep them.

We usually shower together in the evening. We get to talk alone in there and I’ve learned that being naked and in an enclosed space together can help a lot when you need to say something. I’m vulnerable. I’m in a shower, inside our bathroom, inside our bedroom. I can’t exactly escape quickly when I have soap all in my hair and 3 doors I’d have to go through to get away. I love our time like this every night. We talked about the previous night quite a bit. Just telling each other how we were feeling about it today now. He reminded me that I only have a few more days left and then I can go with Jackie to all the shops I want to again. I am not going to try to even stretch this “rubber band” anymore. I don’t want the belt. And I don’t want Adam to feel disrespected.

Jackie had to go into the office to work today, so I’m home all alone. She usually gets to work from home and chooses her own hours. It’s a lot of fun being able to go out somewhere for an hour or two and hang out. Next week, we already have plans for the places we’re going to! I’m going to be an obedient and respectful wife and mind my husband for this last few days of no buying anything unnecessary. I can do it!

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The Fallout

Jackie picked up a worn out ottoman from someone in the neighborhood giving it away. We used some fabric and recovered it last night so it looks brand new. We love to repurpose old things and make them beautiful. Sometimes, sell them and make some money. Sometimes, keep things for ourselves. That’s what we were doing last night in the kitchen when Adam got home. I had enchiladas in the oven and they only had about 5 minutes left. Adam came in and told me “hi boo” and kissed my forehead. We talked about the ottoman we had done and he complimented us on it. Supper was ready so I made up the kids plates and then Jackie and Adam filled theirs. Everybody sat at the table, except for me. I couldn’t eat. When everyone was finished eating, I cleaned the dishes and busied myself in the kitchen. Adam walked in and told me to come with him. I said “I don’t think I want to do that”. He used his man voice and calmly, but sternly told me to get in there, as he pointed to our bedroom. Then he asked Jackie to take the kids out back for a little while. My heart was racing as I walked past him into our bedroom and he shut the door. He asked me to sit down on the bed and I shook my head no. I got the look from him as he repeated himself. He wasn’t asking this time. He was giving an order. I was expecting him to sit down beside me so he could pull me over his lap, but instead, he stood in front of me. He began with the lecture. I honestly can’t remember exactly what he started with, but I know I got asked a lot of questions like “Why are we here?” and “What did I tell you would happen?” I really plead my case, too. I kept repeating to him that I never ever imagined this would be something that “broke the rubber band”! I didn’t think he would care. I honestly thought I was being funny texting him that I’d bought myself something and then telling him it was only a payday candy bar. When five minutes went by without another text from him, I asked him if that made him mad?? I didn’t dream that it would. He told me this is the problem. I don’t take him seriously. He wasn’t exactly happy that I couldn’t understand why it upset him today. He’s been too relaxed and he’s not doing that anymore. We have a walk in closet in our bathroom and he disappeared into it. I started to cry and begged him “Adam, no. Please? You’re scaring me now.” From the closet, he softly replied “I’m not going to scare you. I’m going to help you”. I argued, “I believe you Adam! I understand!” as he walked out, through our bathroom, toward me.

I had seriously considered hiding all of the belts. I even pulled them from the closet a couple of times and then returned them because I was afraid that if he wasn’t going to use one of those bastards, he would if I hid them. I imagined he would see it as being even more disrespectful. Also, I canceled the dish towels I’d ordered even before Adam got home because I figured if a candy bar caused all this, dish towels might be a real bad idea right now. I don’t think I have ever taken my husband more seriously before. I can almost always talk my way out of trouble. Some of the time, I don’t even think I am in the wrong. I tried everything before he got home. I was sweet. I argued my point of view. I even got angry toward the end, when I knew he would be home any minute. My emotions were all over the place. I felt shock, fear, confusion, sadness, anger. I also felt proud of Adam. I do want him to be able to stand up to me. I respect him when he stays calm and I am assured that he still loves me, even right now. He text me and called me “hunny” in one of his messages in our back and forth all day. That simple word included in a text from him told me that, even though he’s upset, he loves me. I’m still his Boo, Hunny, Baby… I feel more safe and loved than ever. I know he isn’t going to hurt me. At least, he isn’t going to hurt my heart. He isn’t going to say anything that damages the trust I have in him. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t going low and being cruel with the words he’s saying. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t backing down, either. There’s an older country song that goes “Daddy’s hands weren’t always gentle, but I’ve come to understand that there was always love in daddy’s hands”. I like to think that is Adam, too. Maybe he is upset, but it’s not about taking out his anger on me. It’s about standing firm and never letting me down. Never giving me any doubt that there is love in everything he’s saying and doing. That gives me a security that I can’t describe in words. It means everything to me. I went to sleep in his arms, like any other night. I had a renewed appreciation for my husband. I woke up this morning with a real sense of respect for him. I want to obey. Not just because he can and will pull me over his lap and spank me til I’m sorry! I’d rather not experience that feeling again. At least, not today. But, I also genuinely want to show him that I believe him, and I believe in him. I trust that he means what he is saying. I respect him. I love him forever and a day.

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I Broke the Rubber Band…with a Candy Bar

I didn’t say a darned word about no kitchen towels today. I was screwing around thinking it would be funny if I made Adam think I’d done something I wasn’t supposed to, and then told him I’m just kidding. It was just a candy bar. Apparently, he isn’t laughing. And now I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. At first, I didn’t think he was serious. It doesn’t seem like he’s joking with me, though. First time in a very long time when I am not looking forward to him coming home. Seriously can’t believe this is what pushed him too far!!!

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Good Girl…for now

I’m feeling 1000% better this morning! Cleaned the kitchen, washed our bedding, picked up toys around the house, and finished arranging some of my Fall decorations.

Can’t take a pic without a dog or cat photobombing lol
Don’t mind the patio cushions there in the corner. I brought them in before it rained last night.

Yesterday, I got out my kitchen towels that are for Fall with pumpkins, leaves, and such on them. I realized all of them are worn and look old now. I found a set on Amazon that will match my kitchen perfectly, and I ordered them. It didn’t even occur to me that might not be a good idea? I’m honestly not sure what Adam would say? I had also ordered our groceries for the week last night. I’d been saving various things I can’t buy yet in the cart, so I transferred them into “save for later” and got the grocery items. Almost immediately after I did it, I discovered one of the things hadn’t gotten moved to “save for later”. I seriously debated what to do next. It was an accident. I would not be lying. However, I recognized it and had the ability to edit my order and remove it. Ultimately, I removed it. I told Adam about it later and he asked to see my order. I showed him there’s nothing I can’t have on there and he patted my behind and told me “good girl I’m proud of you”. So, this morning I’m feeling kind of guilty about the towels. He might not even care? If my “Alexa show” in the kitchen doesn’t rat me out, I should be fine. Alexa announces orders sometimes and shows what will be arriving that day right on the screen. She can be a real narc. I only have one more week left. Maybe I can just put them away until next week? I am so programmed to just get on my phone, find what I want, and press the order now button. I’ve gotten things like a new scrub brush for the kitchen and laundry detergent. I got some kitchen shears with my grocery order last night because mine are so incredibly dull it’s ridiculous. Adam didn’t mind any of them. He took such good care of me while I was sick. I just hope some kitchen towels don’t come back to bite me in the ass now. Besides some freakin’ air fresheners and kitchen towels, I really have minded him with this.

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Laid Up

Well, I ended up buying the air freshener refills and a matching pumpkin spice spray for the house. I had felt like I might be getting a UTI (urinary tract infection) when I’d got up Thursday morning, but figured I could drink lots of water and shake it off. Unfortunately, by late afternoon I had a high fever and my pee looked like nothing but bright red blood. I started to get sick to my stomach by evening and my back ached horribly. I had gotten a pretty bad kidney infection. Spent all night at the hospital getting IV fluids and antibiotics. Came home Friday morning and pretty much spent the next couple days laying on the couch. I’m feeling much better now. The air freshener stuff I bought hadn’t gotten brought up at all until last night. I was talking to Adam and he told me he did notice, but he just wasn’t going to be upset with me about it. I guess I get a pass this time on the count of getting deathly ill! He did tell me not to “push it” with him again and buy anything else I’m not supposed to. I have 8 more days left (I think) before this darned punishment of no buying unnecessary things is over.

I have a whole handful of medication I have to take for awhile, and I hate taking anything. Adam is so sweet. He has alarms on his phone set to remind me to take my different meds when I’m supposed to. Besides all of this excitement the last few days, I don’t have much else to write about yet. I’m going to go lay on the couch with my head in Adam’s lap and take a little nap.

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Let Me Explain

I haven’t even put up most of my Fall decor yet. I LOVE decorating for the seasons. I have red and yellow leaf garland to hang on the mantle. I have some cute Halloween things to put up when we get closer to it. I’m all about the sights and the smells when you walk into my home. Anything pumpkin, apple, or maple wood type candles make it feel pretty in here. I literally get about 2 days out of a new candle because I have it burning most of the day. I am down to the last one I had gotten before I got in trouble for procrastinating again. I got the whole “I have to work a whole hour of overtime to pay for that” speech. And I get that. I’m trying to find ways to get creative and get the Fall smells back until 11 more days pass. The wax cubes I had that we put in my friend’s scentsy warmer don’t really do much. I was disappointed. But an air freshener, that might do the job! I have a few of the Yankee candle plug in things, I just need the refills to put into them now. It’s probably ridiculous. I really want our house to look and smell and feel pretty. I keep our place darned near immaculate. I have some ADD and a bit of OCD tendencies. It’s like I need things to be a certain way or else I go crazy. So, Adam does have a lot of patience with me. He’s the only person in this world who could somewhat “tame” me. Not even my parents could do that when I was a kid. That’s why it shocks people who know me to see Adam put his foot down and to ever see me comply. I probably won’t buy the damn air freshener refills today. I’m not trying to “break the rubber band”. I’m trying to find ways to stretch it out a little is all.

Also, meet our pets 🙂
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Crossing the Line?

Yesterday, I was texting with Adam about whether I could order stuff for my sister’s baby shower. I’m in charge of planning and we need to get invites out at least because it’s planned for early October. I asked him because I wanted to make sure that wasn’t breaking the rules for my no unnecessary buying for 2 weeks punishment. He told me I could do that. A few hours later, a friend was here and I mentioned how my old scentsy wax warmer had broken when we moved. I have a huge box full of the wax to put in them, but no scentsy anymore. So, she said she has a ton of them and I could use one for now if I wanted. At least til I can buy one for myself. She went and grabbed it to bring for me. We were setting it up and I realized, I should probably make sure this isn’t breaking his rules now?? Ultimately, he told me it was ok as long as I’m not having friends buy shit for me now.

Last night, he said “No more asking me for stuff. If you have to ask, the answer is no”. Then he brought out a belt and he swung it so that it crashed down on the bathroom counter near me, but didn’t hit me. He told me that would be my butt if I don’t obey him with this. I explained that I’m not “crossing the line” so much as if you think of a rubber band. I had one that stretched out real far before it broke. Now you gave me this tiny little one and I’m just seeing how far it’ll stretch. He said it didn’t matter, that I’m going to break the “rubber band” if I keep it up.

Well y’all, I’m a handful sometimes. I’m aware of this. I need to run to the store for some hair conditioner, Adam’s coffee, and more jalapeños. I opened the junk drawer that I keep note pads in so I could write a list, and I saw my plug in air freshener. I had several pumpkin and apple smelling refills for it at one time, but I can’t find any. So, I’m wondering if that counts. Like, surely I can buy an air freshener refill? I don’t want to ask him because he already told me if I have to ask, it’s a no. Maybe I buy it and if he even notices, and he isn’t happy, I can say “Oh! I didn’t think I needed to ask about something like that!”

I’m probably going to “break the rubber band” if I do it. I’m not certain that it would, though? This is way harder than I imagined it was going to be! I never have to think about buying things like candles or pretty things for myself or for our house. I haven’t gone to the store yet. I guess we’ll see what happens when I get there. I’ll either chicken out, or I’ll talk myself into it.

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What’s in it For Him?

Why would a husband want to be responsible for keeping his wife “inside the lines”? She’s not a child. She knows right from wrong. As a wife, I don’t want to be treated like a child, either. I want to be treated like a wife. Some of my responsibilities mirror our children’s. Respect and obey those in authority over you. Doing those things for my husband makes sense to me. I remember awhile back, I was reading something that said men ranked respect as the top priority they look for in a spouse. Women’s top ranked quality was protect/provider. I asked Adam to rank this list they’d provided with his top 3. Respect also topped his list. I find that interesting. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but hearing my own husband tell me how important it is to him that I respect him was a wake up call. I needed to do better. I wanted to be a better wife for my husband. I will never lose my sass and fiery personality, but if I channel that into places that don’t disrespect Adam, it would be better for both of us. I have craved and so wanted my husband to command my honor, respect, obedience. Command because he holds himself to very high standards. He requires so much of himself to be the protector and provider that I need. Why shouldn’t I give him the thing that tops his list of priorities in me? Command because he is holding me accountable when I fail. The safe and secure feeling that washes over me is overwhelming when he won’t allow me to continue down an unhealthy path. When he says what he means, and means what he says. When he slaps my behind, gives me a look, and tells me to “keep it up”. It’s sexy. Maybe in that very moment I don’t necessarily see that, but I always will later think back to how unbelievably attractive it is to me when Adam rightly tells me no. He is no tyrant. He’s not unfair or unreasonable. He has appropriately dealt with plenty of bullshit I’ve thrown at him, especially the last few weeks. When I feel completely certain that he means what he says, I will usually listen (obey). If and, let’s be real, when I test him and call him on the promises he made earlier, without following through, his threats are meaningless. It’s effective and powerful as hell if I believe he will follow through. I’m terrified of his damn belt. Like, that thing…I do not want to feel it when Adam is upset with me, ever. He holds a decent amount of authority over me because of it.

So, what does he get out of it? The effort and energy it takes to protect and provide for me. Wouldn’t it be much easier to just let me run amuck? Well, I’m not a man, or a husband, but I think he gets a wife who gives him the thing he most wants from her, respect. He gets a wife who is softer, more kind with her words and actions. A wife who thinks a little harder before she acts or speaks. A wife who isn’t ashamed to show everyone who “wears the pants”. A wife who is committed to always being honest, even when it’s not easy. A wife who trusts him more than she ever thought she could trust another person. A wife who absolutely believes him when he tells her something, good or unpleasant. I am so grateful that Adam is willing to be the man I crave him to be. He’s an amazing provider and protector. He is always working to handle all of my bullshit, while never letting me doubt his love for me. I get everything I want from him. I’m hoping he gets the same. At least, overall. I’m not perfect. What fun would I be if I were, though!? Jackie and I are a 21st century Lucy and Ethel. And Adam is the Ricky to my Lucy. Most of the time, we have a lot of fun together.

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I F***ed Up….again

So, a few weeks ago, I ordered these really cool sheer window blinds that don’t need cords or knobs to move them up and down. They just stay wherever you want to push or pull them. We needed something like this in our eat in area in our kitchen and I’ve looked for just what I wanted since we moved in here. I finally found exactly what I wanted for only $50 a piece. I just needed 2 of them. We finally hung them a couple weeks ago and it turned out, one of them was broken. I contacted the company who sent out a replacement, but I needed to ship back the defective one or else we’d be charged for the replacement. Y’all probably know where this is going now.

I had the blind in the box and ready to take to the UPS store, but I kind of sort of put that off. I went to do it yesterday, and discovered I’d waited too long and we’d been charged. I doubted I could even still send this broken one back now. I seriously debated whether to tell Adam about this. He would never ever notice a relatively small amount of money missing from one of our accounts anyway. I was very quiet and he kept asking me why I was so distant. Finally, while we were getting ready for bed, I told him. Guilt got to me and it felt too much like lying. I just knew how frustrated he would be considering we’d just addressed my bad habit of procrastinating a few weeks ago. I told him the whole situation. Then I giggled nervously, waiting for him to respond. I did not think it was funny. I just get like that when I’m nervous. Also, my ears turn bright red, which Adam commented on. He sighed and asked me “What am I going to do with you???” I replied “Accept me for the way I am?” He smiled and he pulled me into him. My face is right at his chest when he holds me because he’s about a foot taller than I am. I knew he wasn’t happy. He was showing me he loved me, anyway. He told me that I am not allowed to buy anything else for the house or for fun for 2 weeks. No more Fall candles that I love. No new lotion or makeup or whatever thing I would’ve gotten. Things the kids NEED or food, that’s it. Then, he informed me that I needed to still try to contact the seller and see if there’s any way I can still return this blind. He told me that, if not, I would have a second punishment to deal with the following night. I knew what he was saying. I slept in his arms, like normal. Except, I didn’t sleep particularly well because I was so nervous they wouldn’t take the blinds back now and Adam would be upset all over again tomorrow. So, this morning, I sent Adam a very long text message explaining that I swear I’m not just trying to get into trouble, or to piss him off. I hate doing that. I just think I can get away with putting off some things and it bites me in the ass, again. And again. I explained how nervous I was to even try to see if they’d take them back because it was easier for me to not call and hear them say yes, than it was to think of calling and hearing them tell me no. And then know I was going to be in more trouble with him tonight. And then, I asked him if I could still have Biscuit (a friend of ours who details our vehicles for us) come do my car this week. I asked if that counted as money I can’t spend. He told me yes, that counts. He told me I could clean my car myself. Awhile later, he called. He said that if I contacted the seller, AND they’d still take them back and refund me, I could still have Biscuit come do my car. Otherwise, he’d better see me with a clean car in the driveway when he gets home. I was so excited when I finally got ahold of the sellers and they said I could still return them!! I text Adam and I asked him to pleeeeease print off the label I needed for the box at his work for me because our printer still isn’t even set up since our move. After a little back and forth texts, he text back that yes, he would print it for me. This is when I told him thank you and that I won’t ask Biscuit to do my car this week even.

I think I’ve dodged a bullet today. I’m pretty sure Adam isn’t going to feel the need to spank me or to ground me from anything else tonight now. I still haven’t asked if this means I can buy fun things again? I suppose that wouldn’t be a good idea, yet. I honestly respect Adam even more when he handles my shit this way sometimes. Sometimes I need him to punish me with a spanking. Sometimes, I need him to be more creative. I know danged well that if I hadn’t obeyed him with this more creative punishment, I’d have not sat down comfortably for several days. I didn’t want that. I fully intend to obey him in this. I’m so, so glad that things worked out this way today. I can breathe and the sinking feeling in my belly is all better now. I was especially afraid of the spanking he might give me if they wouldn’t have taken them back. Not that he’d hurt me in any extensive kind of way, just that I already had a lot of guilt and felt foolish. I was totally willing to accept these other things he has punished me with. Now I’m excited for him to come home and I can have a clear conscience tonight!