We had some storms here, earlier. The lightning was so close, then the thunder was super loud. Oliver went into his kennel. That’s his “safe place”. He sleeps in it, at night. I trained him, from a little puppy, to be comfy in his kennel. He easily goes inside, if I tell him to, but I rarely ever tell him to. He takes himself to bed, when he’s tired.

I was sending pictures of our living room, to a friend. I’m trying to come up with ideas for the walls. I’d like to paint that wall, where the big window is. Make it an accent wall. I’m thinking of a mustard yellow kind of color. I also have some other things I’d like to change. I hate our ceiling fan, in there. I’d like to stain our stair railing and fireplace mantle darker, too. Diesel kept photo bombing my pictures, though 😆

Last night, Adam and I were talking, in the shower. I had questioned whether he seriously gets that upset when I roll my eyes, or flip him off. He said “YES”. Then, he asked me, wouldn’t I be upset if he did that to me? I told him, not if we’re playing around. It would depend. He insisted, it’s disrespectful, no matter what the situation. I disagreed. Adam decided he was going to have to do a better job of letting me know he means it, about not doing those things to him. Again, I didn’t agree with that plan. I guess we’ll see…I didn’t test those waters, last night.

Adam was kind of sweet, while we were getting ready for bed. We were talking about how his brother’s house had been a total bachelor pad, until recently. His brother’s girlfriend has started turning that house into a home. I asked Adam if he actually notices, or cares all that much, about how I decorate and arrange our house? I truly wondered if that mattered to him, because that’s something I enjoy so much. I pay attention to the details. I will have a vision, for something, and get excited about making it happen. Adam never complains about how I do things here. He’s never gotten angry, when I’ve decided to change something. He told me he loves the way I set our home up, and he loves seeing me be so excited and happy about ideas I come up with. I said, “That’s where I wind up spending your money, Adam. On things for our house. Things I wasn’t even sure you particularly cared about!” He told me, “OUR money. And I love it.” I think I’m pretty lucky to have this husband, who works hard to provide for our family, and never complains when I want to buy a new ceiling fan, or Easter decorations. Or, pretty much whatever new thing I come up with. Which happens regularly. He is absolutely not one bit controlling. He has expectations, and boundaries. So do I. He’s never cruel, though. We’ve learned and grown, a lot. I’m sure there’s still a lot of things we have to learn. I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate how awesome my husband really is, to me. He’s an incredibly kind, caring, generous, loving, gentle, and strong man. He’s my rock. He’s my favorite person. I’m grateful that I get to say he’s all mine!

I was a little grouchy, last night. Adam was teasing me, as we got ready to take our shower. He said something silly, to me. I rolled my eyes. He smacked my butt. I was leaning into the shower, adjusting the water temperature. I flipped him off, with both hands, from inside the shower. He was in our closet. I had no idea he could still see me. The way our bathroom is set up, the closet is in it, with its own door leading into it. There’s also a big mirror, above our sinks, across from the shower. Apparently, he’d seen me, in the mirror. He came over to me, spun me so I was facing him, leaned over my shoulder, and spanked me a few times. I dropped my attitude, after that. He’d had a long day, and he was just trying to cheer me up. I was just in a mood, and took it out on him. Well, until I couldn’t. He’s always here, if I need a hug, or to talk. Sometimes I even tell him, I don’t want to talk right now, just give me a little time. He always respects that, too. He’s not allowing me to give him my bitchy attitude, though. Like, at all!

By the time we climbed into bed, I was feeling much better. I began to run my fingers down his chest, past his waistband. He rolled over, on top of me, and started kissing me. Our clothes came off, and he was just about to find his way inside of me, when our bedroom door opened. We hadn’t locked it. Our daughter’s voice spoke to us. She was asking if I had any cough drops. Her throat hurt. Mercifully, we were still covered with our blankets. I sent her into the kitchen, to look in a cupboard that I knew they wouldn’t be in. That bought me time to put my robe on, and get some from the linen closet, where I actually keep them. I got her back to her bed, and rejoined Adam in our bed. We laughed about it all. We also finished what we’d started.

I’m slow cooking a beef chuck roast, with carrots, for supper. I’d forgotten to put it in my crockpot, until almost noon. I turned my slow cooker onto high, for 4 hours. I’ll turn it onto low, for the last 2-3 hours, before we’re ready to eat. I’m going to put some potatoes in the oven, so we can have baked potatoes with. It’s a beautiful day. 70’s and lots of sunshine. Oliver is feeling all better, since his little surgery. Mj and I are going to take him for a walk, when she gets home from school. Wyatt has baseball practice, this afternoon.

Tomorrow evening, Adam and Justin are going to go buy a brisket. Justin is getting a new smoker. They’re going to make that, for Saturday evening. We’re going to go over to their place. It looks like we should have another beautiful weekend. The weather is definitely starting to be more consistently cooperative with our desire to be outdoors.

I think I’ll go ahead and bake the last of my chocolate chip cookie dough. I’ll have some cookies ready, for Adam and the kids. I’ve got about half an hour until Mj gets home.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I’m not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I’m not who I was

You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend it was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it’s a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I’m not who I was

I write about love and such
Maybe ’cause I want it so much
I’m not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know that I am not the same
But I never did forget your name, hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace is the chance to give it out
Maybe that’s what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

~Brandon Heath

I was doing my morning routine. Walking around our house, tidying up, and fixing anything that’s out of place. I made the bed. Arranged the throw pillows on our couch. I folded a blanket the kids had left in the living room, last night, and put it away. They used to make “forts”, out of blankets. It’s been awhile, since they’ve done that. I began to imagine showing my mother who I am now. To show her my style. The way I decorated our new home. How my kids have grown. Their bedrooms are full of their own personal touches. Wyatt’s a little baseball star. He was on the wrestling team, this year. He’s grown, probably a foot, since she last saw him. Mj is a beautiful little girl. The last time my mother knew her, she was very into her dollhouse, and Barbie dolls. Mj insists on keeping the Barbie car my mother gave her. It was her birthday, three and a half years ago. My mother had come to our home, just days earlier. She was high, drunk, or likely both. She’d beat on windows, torn my flowers from their planters. She screamed how she was going to kill everyone inside. Then, she pulled into our driveway, on Mj’s birthday, and the kids were outside playing. Mj screamed, and ran into the house. She sobbed. We went outside, after my mother had gone. She’d thrown a birthday gift into our yard. It was Mj’s little Barbie car. I understand why it’s special to my sweet girl. Anything that makes you feel like my mother might’ve had some love for you, becomes precious. The memory of that day, when she came over with a present, is much harder for me, than most of the ones when she did cruel things. I feel guilty, even though we had such good reason to refuse to go out to her. Somewhere inside her, had she found a moment of clarity, and really just wanted to give my daughter that gift? Mj likes baby Yoda, (Grogu), now. She draws little cartoons. She started wearing a training bra, just recently. They’ve grown, so much. So have I. I’m not who I was. I’m stronger. I’m braver. I’m so much happier. My mother doesn’t know me, or my babies, anymore. I wish it wasn’t how it is, but I can’t make someone be somebody else. I’ve accepted this. Still, I feel a little nostalgic for something I haven’t even experienced. Like showing my mother around my new home.

I didn’t address the horrific Nashville news, from yesterday. We didn’t know anyone who attended the elementary school, where the shooting took place. My dad’s girlfriend has a good friend, who teaches there. She is ok, physically. Any loss of life is tragic. I can’t imagine what the families are going through. My heart breaks for them. I do have to say, I’m proud of our law enforcement officers, for reacting swiftly. While I’m saddened that any innocent lives were lost, I have to give credit to the men and women who eliminated the threat, without hesitation. We are all Nashville strong. Tennessee has made increasing efforts to prevent things like what happened. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world. We can’t predict, or prevent all the people who desire to cause harm. Every man, woman, and child who was thrust into yesterday’s horror will suffer trauma. It isn’t fair. There’s no sense to be made of it all. I’m praying for all of the families. I’m also hugging my own babies, just a little bit tighter.

Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure. And, I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven…Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven? Would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong, and carry on, ‘cause I know I don’t belong, here in heaven.

~Eric Clapton

Lie number one you’re supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you’re doing
Just smile and tell them, “Never better”

Lie number 2 everybody’s life is perfect, except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine but I’m not
I’m broken
And when it’s out of control I say it’s under control but it’s not
And you know it
I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There’s no failure, no fall
There’s no sin you don’t already know
So let the truth be told

~Matthew West

We went to Poppy’s house, last night. My sister, Jackie, and me. He was so cute. I tried to help him peel the potatoes. He told me to sit down, relax, and let him serve us. He plated all our food, and brought it to us. He buttered our corn on the cob, put salt and pepper on our potatoes. He even cut our grilled chicken into slices. My dad is just the sweetest human. We sat out on his porch, talked, and laughed. It was a great evening.

I’ve known, for a few months, that my sister has let our mother back into her life. I know she visited our mother, back in December. I know that they are “friends”, on social media. Just because I don’t use Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, doesn’t mean I don’t have friends who do. They have asked me about some things they’ve seen. Our mother has sent some hateful messages, to our dad, too. She likes to do her best to hurt us, by throwing in our face, that she has my sister back under her “spell”. Although my sister knows what our mother has done, while we’ve been adults, she has no idea the extent of her cruelty. My sister had a very different childhood, from my brother and I. Our mother always treated my sister better. My sister never was hit. She was always allowed to receive affection from our dad, and our mother gave it freely to her, as well. I begged to get my belly button pierced, when I was 15 years old. My mother wouldn’t allow it. When my sister turned 15, our mother took her to get her belly button pierced. That seems like a small thing, but it’s one example of many times she sent the clear message to me, I love your sister more, and I enjoy hurting you. She never supported me when I did cheer, or ran track, or played volleyball. She didn’t wear the pins the school gave parents, with my sports pictures on them. She wasn’t there, when I received academic awards. Not once, did she tell me I did a good job. She never missed my sister’s things. My brother was treated worse than I was. Our dad was the only person who gave us unconditional love. He just wasn’t home, to see our life very often, when we were kids.

I’ve never blamed my sister, for her childhood. I’ve never been angry with her, about the things I didn’t get from our mother. She doesn’t even know so much of these things that my brother and I do. I’m worried, for her. I’m afraid she’s going to get hurt. I’m sure of it, actually. I can’t tell her what to do, though. I can’t describe how uncomfortable it makes me, knowing our mother will be so near, this coming weekend. I’m terrified she’ll show up, at my door. I will have to make certain all doors and windows are locked. I will have to keep a very watchful eye on my children. It’s a stress I didn’t imagine myself having to experience again.

I wish my mother dead. I’m aware of how awful, and unchristian that makes me. It’s the truth, anyway. My ultimate wish, would be for her to be truly sorry, and to be the mother I’ve dreamt she could be. But, that’s not ever going to happen. I understand this, all too well. My only other hope, could be that she didn’t exist. That way, she couldn’t hurt us anymore. She wouldn’t be able to use my sister. My baby niece wouldn’t have to know a “grandma” who’s incapable of ever truly loving her. I’m not sure I can describe the way I feel. It isn’t anger. It’s not hate. I wouldn’t call it sadness, exactly. I want nothing from my mother. I want to enjoy the people who matter. I want to trust that those who care about me today, will care tomorrow. I want to feel safe.

Saturday, we had a blast. Jackie and Justin played cornhole, with Adam and I. Jackie and I are always on the same team. The guys grilled burgers. After supper, we sat outside, and lit the fire pit.

Yesterday, we babysit Pj. My sister and her husband went to see the new “John Wick” movie. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, trimmed all the edges of the yard, and used the leaf blower to clean off the driveway and sidewalk. It looks great!

My dad had been asking for Jackie, my sister, and I to find an evening we could come over to his house, for supper. We’re doing that tonight. I’ve got rotel dip and chips, for Adam and the kids to eat, tonight. I cooked a pound of ground beef, added the taco seasoning, and then 3 cans of rotel diced tomatoes and green chilis. I cut up some Velveeta cheese, and added that into my dip, in the crockpot. I’ll leave it on “keep warm”, so it’s ready for them to eat later on. I also invited Justin and my sister’s husband, to come eat with Adam and the kids.

It’s another sunny and beautiful day. We’ve had some gorgeous Spring weather, the last few days! I’ve got something that’s happening, in the background of my life. I’m just not ready to face it, yet. I’m going to have no choice, in a few days. I will probably end up letting it all out in my writing, tomorrow. All I want to do is enjoy this day, and all the other amazing ones we’ve had. It’s hard to let my brain wander into territory that shakes up my joy. Sometimes, I wish I could escape to somewhere the bad stuff couldn’t find me. As much as I’m trying to put on my happy face, the cracks are beginning to show. My people are noticing. I’m pissed off. I’m hurt, and I’m confused. How could she let this happen? And why the fuck hasn’t SHE been warning me? My sister has been speaking to our mother. Our mother is flying here, to where we live, this coming weekend. I did not learn this from my sister. I’ve known a lot more than she knows I do, because I have people too. I’ve avoided the subject, for the most part. The couple times I’ve brought up our mother, my sister has completely denied all of the things I know are true already. I love my baby sister. I love my sweet niece, Pj. I also feel a whole lot of things at once, knowing what’s happening, behind my back. I’ll get into it, later. Not today. I need to fix my smile on, and let it go for one more day. I can’t do it today.

It’s gorgeous here, today! Sunny, and right around 70 degrees. Perfect jeans and t-shirt weather. Adam went into work. I broke down, and went to T-Mobile and got my kids iPhones. I wouldn’t let them have “smart” phones, until now. They’ve been begging Adam and I, for awhile now. We get the typical. “All my friends have one”, argument. I have a couple of very happy kiddos, now.

I made 17 hamburger patties, for Adam to grill us tonight. I’ve got a package of hotdogs (Mj won’t eat burgers), and some brats. Im making some pasta salad, and have some chips we can eat. Jackie and Justin are coming over soon. Adam just walked in the door. He came into the kitchen, like always, and he kissed me “hello”. He told me I look really pretty. My heart still flutters, when he says things like that to me. ❤️

Oliver is supposed to be taking it easy, but he’s back to my energetic, ornery dog, now. I’m struggling to keep him calm. He just wants to run and jump and play, like usual. I’m very glad he’s healing so well, though! Yesterday, he would not leave Mj’s side. When she came home, from school, he insisted on touching her at all times. It was sweet.

They normally play “hide and seek”, or jump on the trampoline, after school. Mj always says that Oliver is her best friend. Diesel, my old man dog, is a bit of a grouch. He loves me. He obeys me amazingly. He just doesn’t much care for very many other people. Oliver loves every living being! He especially loves the kids, though.

I don’t have much else to write about, today! Well, there is something that’s been brewing, but I’m not in the mood to address it, today. That’s usually how I do things. I push them down, as long and as hard as I can, until they spill over, and I’m forced to acknowledge an issue. It’s nothing I’ve done. It has to do with my mother, and my sister. I just don’t feel like talking about it, yet. Instead, I’m going to enjoy this perfect day, with my beautiful family. I hope all y’all are having as wonderful a Saturday as I am!

That’s the title of the opening song, for Son’s of Anarchy. I have all the “songs of anarchy”, in a playlist, on my iTunes. They had some great music, on that show.

I ordered our groceries, for the next week, yesterday. I’m sitting in the waiting area, waiting for someone to bring them to me. It’s absolutely pouring rain. I’m regretting choosing to pick them up, rather than delivered to my door. I had planned to be running some other errands, so thought I’d save a couple bucks, and just pick it up. Now I’m going to have to carry all these groceries inside, when I get back home. I only did one other errand, because I had to. I’m putting my other plans on hold. I’m already soaking wet, just from getting in and out of my car. It’s warm, and very humid out. I’m glad it’s not cold, but I’m tired of clouds and rain.

I can still smell Adam’s deodorant and cologne, on my neck and shoulder. I slept on his chest, with his arm around me. I can also feel last night’s activities. For our first time having sex, in too many days, we weren’t particularly gentle. I really missed my husband. I love his smell. Running my hands up and down his body, and feeling the “V” shape it makes, from his hips up to his broad shoulders. His hands are rough. Such a contradiction, as he rubs them against my soft skin. I like to put my fingers through his hair, and pull it, just a little bit. When we were finished, I curled up next to him, and twirled my fingers through his chest hair. He has a perfect little tuft of it, right in the center of his chest. It’s just enough for me to play with, before I fall asleep. Adam softly caresses my arm.

We talked about going out to eat, this weekend, to celebrate our anniversary. I would rather grill something at home, with him. We can work on the bonus room area. Maybe do some flower shopping, and start making our outside areas look pretty again. It’s supposed to be sunny and warm, all weekend. Justin and Jackie should come over and play cornhole with us, Sunday afternoon.

Well, my groceries are in my trunk now, so I’m going to head home.

My poor Oliver Twist woke up this morning, sore as heck. He walked out of his kennel, so slow and stiff. I fed him, right away, so I could go ahead and give him his pain medicine. I could tell, fairly quickly, that helped. However, he is also taking a sedative, for the next few days, and he’s loopy as I’ll get out.

Yesterday, my period decided it wasn’t quite ready to be done. Adam and I had some fun, in our shower, though. His fingers wandered down my body, and he pleasured me easily. I didn’t finish him, until we went to bed. My mouth managed to both please him, and piss him off. Earlier, we were talking with some friends, in our kitchen. I rolled my eyes, at Adam. He announced, “That’s one.” I told him to shut up. He said, “That’s two.” When we had gone into our bedroom, getting ready to hop in the shower, Adam told me I had those two spankings coming. I told him, he could fuck right off. He picked me up, sat on our bed, put me over his knees, and proceeded to administer three swats, to my rear end. I think we both were satisfied with the results. I’m not sore. It wasn’t that bad. We just got to share a connection we haven’t, in a long while.

The weather has been nice, today. Sunshine and mid 70’s. I’m making chicken, for supper. I take chicken breasts, and season them. I lightly spray a 9×13 baking dish, and place my chicken inside. Then, I use cream of chicken soup, and smother my chicken in it. If you can find it, the cream of chicken with herbs is my favorite one to use. It can be hit and miss trying to find it in stores, though. I bake it, covered, at 375, for about an hour. Then, take it out, remove the tin foil, and sprinkle french fried onions on top. Put it back in the oven for about 15 minutes. The chicken comes out moist and tender, with lots of flavor. We’re having a lettuce salad with, tonight. I’ve got grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, carrots, feta cheese, croutons, and Italian dressing, to go on the lettuce and spinach leaves. Seems like a good, “summery” meal.

It’s Adam and my anniversary, on Sunday. I want to go flower shopping, with him. I’m anxious to get to filling my outdoor pots with some pretty flowers, again. We’re also going to work on our basement bonus room area, this weekend. Now that Jackie is all moved out, we’ve got to figure out just how we want to set that all up. I’ve got some ideas.

My period has decided to be done, for this month, finally. As excited as I am to eat the supper we’re having, I’m most ready to get my husband in bed, with me…

My goodness, it’s been a busy day! My Oliver dog had his appointment, to get neutered, today. I got up early, got myself dressed, and gulped down some coffee. I got the kids up, fed, and off to school. Then, it was time to bring Oliver to the vet clinic. I felt horrible leaving him. He was very confused. He kept stopping, and looking back at me, as the tech walked him down the hallway. My eyes welled up with tears, as I drove away.

I needed to swing by the grocery store, and pick up a few random things. By the time I got home, it was after 10:00am. I put my groceries away, got a couple loads of laundry done, washed breakfast dishes, made the beds, cleaned all the bathrooms, and straightened up the living room. I made myself scrambled eggs, and wrapped them with chopped green peppers, diced tomato, and some hot sauce, in a tortilla shell. As much as I love cheese, as must be apparent here in my recipes, I actually don’t prefer it with eggs. So, I don’t add any cheese to my breakfast style burritos. Once I’d finished that, it was already time to go get Oliver. Jackie offered to ride with, so she could help me get him home. I picked Jackie up, at her place. Poor Ollie was still so woozy, from the sedation. Jackie helped to hold him, so he wouldn’t tip over in the car, while I navigated traffic, to get home.

I had specifically chosen a pair of men’s boxer briefs, for this occasion. You can put them on the dog, backwards. I pulled his tail through the front hole, and used a hair tie to hold the loose parts up. This prevents him from being able to lick his surgical site. We’ve had to keep a good eye on him, while the anesthesia drugs wear off. They sent me home with pain medication, for him. They also sent some sedative pills, to keep him calm, over the next few days, so he can heal.

Mj had some homework she needed my help with. Wyatt had baseball practice. Adam picked Wyatt up, after he got off work. I needed to make supper. I had an extra pound of cooked ground beef, I’d saved when I made a bunch for another meal. I got that out, and made a hamburger helper boxed meal, for us. I just finished cleaning our supper dishes. Mj is taking a bath. Adam and I are going to hop in the shower, soon. After that, it’s bedtime, and I can’t wait! Although, I wouldn’t mind making a little time to reacquaint myself with my husband’s body…

Oh girl, you stand by me.

I’m forever yours, faithfully.

~Journey

When Adam and I were newly married, and just starting our family, he was also beginning to grow his business. He worked 7 days a week. He might be home, between 10:00pm-4:00am, if I was lucky. While he did an amazing job of getting his small business to take off, and bringing in more money than we ever had before, I was miserable. He missed out on all the memories we were making, without him. Birthdays, holidays, vacations. I dreamed of having him at home, every night, to sit at the table and eat supper with our family. Still, I never once strayed. I never even considered it. That’s not to say that there wasn’t opportunity. More than once, Adam and I were solicited from people from our past, and even a few from the present. Men and women we thought were our friends, who decided to try and push their way in, while they knew we were struggling. It was never permitted, though. There have been people who’ve wanted what Adam and I have. Rather than seek it out, for themselves, they tried to take it from us. I’ve learned that I can trust my husband. I believe he’s devoted to his family. I know he loves me. I have no problem cutting a bitch from my life, if she tries anything with my man, though.

Awhile back, an acquaintance of mine had sent me an innocent seeming text message. I replied. Before I knew it, my phone was ringing darn near daily, with his number flashing on my screen. I ignored him. I figured he’d get the hint. Then, one day, he came to our door, while Adam was at work. When I didn’t answer, he sent me some hateful, threatening texts. I also got a nasty voicemail, after several unanswered calls. Finally, I told Adam about this escalation of events. I had been telling myself I was being dramatic. I thought I would be causing a scene over something that I was just taking the wrong way. This guy was kind of clueless. Maybe he truly didn’t realize he was crossing the line? After he’d come to our house, and started to get angry and mean, I couldn’t deny my gut feelings any longer. Adam is a kind and gentle man, but I’ve seen another side of him, when he’s protecting his family. I have no idea what Adam did, after I told him. He said he would take care of it, and I haven’t heard a thing from that guy, since.

I had a long conversation, with Adam, last night. He had felt me pulling away, recently. He’s not wrong. I haven’t quite been myself. That’s because he hasn’t been himself, either. He’s been emotionally distant. Not listening to things I’ve told him. I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve told him something, only to have him claim he didn’t know the very thing I told him, just days earlier. He’s assured me he would do some things, and hasn’t done them. When it all combines, in such a short period of time, I can’t help but wonder, what the hell? I told Adam about something I heard, not long ago. It was in a podcast. They said, “Women need emotional intimacy from a man, before they want a physical connection. Men need physical intimacy from a woman, to experience emotional connection.” When things get thrown off balance, it can be a circular struggle. I think there’s truth to that. Adam noticed I’d been less physically responsive to him. I’d felt him distant emotionally.

He talked to me about some things, at work. He’s under a lot of pressure. He doesn’t want to take any frustration out on me, so he hasn’t been talking to me as much. I wasn’t hearing from him, through the days, the way I’m used to. He wasn’t really “present”, when he was home. Naturally, I couldn’t feel the connection I needed, to show him physical expressions of love. We were both highly aware that something was “off”.

As we got dressed, last night, after our shower, Adam lifted my chin, so I was looking him in the eyes. He told me he was sorry. I must’ve appeared stone faced, because he looked hurt, and on the verge of frustration. I told him, I couldn’t talk just yet, because I didn’t want to cry. Then, I couldn’t hold back the wave of tears that came pouring out. He pulled me into his arms, and held me. I had one of his t-shirts, in my hand. I was about to put it on, before the flood of tears came. He took it from me, and wiped my face dry. I told him I was going to wear that. He said he’d get me a new one. He brought me another clean t-shirt of his. Then, he put the one he’d just wiped my tears with, on himself. I looked quizzically, at him. He said he needed to own those tears I’d cried, and do better.

I wish I could say we’d made love, last night, but I was on my second day of my period, crampy, and emotional. Instead, I slept with Adam’s arms wrapped around me, all night long. I had told him, I have absolutely no problem with him snooping through my phone, if he wants to. He knows my passcode is “secret”. Yep, spell out secret, that’s my phone’s passcode. I do take issue, if he’s searching for something he’s expecting to find. I never do that to him. I’ve snuck a look at texts he’s sent to friends, out of pure curiosity, but never believed I’d find anything upsetting. Not since we’ve said our marriage vows, anyway. I need him to trust me, the way I trust him. We’re not one another’s possessions. We’re neither disposable, nor can we hang onto each other, if one of us refuses. We have to give ourselves away. When I tell him I’ve given myself over to him, I fucking mean it. And, deep down, I’m sure he knows that.

We had a great time, hanging at Poppy’s, on Saturday night. We played some silly games. We had a lot of laughs.

Yesterday, I put up some Spring/Easter decorations. I took some small magnets, attached stickers to them, and then stuck the magnet stickers on my little blue truck. I can make different ones for all the seasons and holidays. Having them on the magnets will make it super easy to switch them out. I put some things on our mantle, too. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I made my cheeseburger soup for supper, last night. It’s a process, with a lot of steps, but it’s so worth it! Tonight, we’re having BBQ beef sandwiches. I’ve got a chuck roast and an arm roast slow cooking. Later, I’ll shred all the beef, and add in some “sweet baby rays” brand BBQ sauce (my most favorite). I’m going to make funeral potatoes to go with. I can’t remember if I’ve shared that recipe?

Today was my first day all alone, at home. Jackie and Justin are all moved into their new place. Adam’s at work, and the kids are in school. I washed our bedding, and towels. I’ve got them hanging out on the deck to dry. I had to run to Publix (grocery store), and grab some more laundry detergent. Then, I swung through the pharmacy, and picked up my daughter’s medicine refill. I intended to get the floors all vacuumed, swept, and mopped, but haven’t got to it. My car is a darned mess, since our Kansas trip. I need to get our friend, Biscuit, over to clean it for me.

I swear, Adam has been the one doing dumb shit lately. It isn’t me. It hasn’t been me who’s in trouble. Last night, I was waiting and watching, to make sure my sister had made it home safe. Her husband wasn’t home, so I was looking out for her, like big sister’s do. I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, at 1:00am, I grabbed my phone to check. She hadn’t texted me. I decided to check her location, to be sure she was home. I couldn’t go back to sleep, until I knew for sure. Adam woke up. He was real grouchy with me, and I couldn’t figure why? He asked what I was doing. I told him. Then, he accused me of texting someone at 1:00am. He wouldn’t take my word for it at all. There’s absolutely no reason for him to think I’d be doing something shady like that. I slapped his arm, sat up, turned the lamp on, and showed him my fucking phone. He made me so angry and hurt. I’ve never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him. I can’t remember the last time he truly hurt me that bad was. He apologized, but I didn’t want to talk. I cried a few quiet tears, and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up feeling sad, this morning. I haven’t text or called him all day, but he hasn’t reached out, either. This probably seems like a small thing, but it was a serious slap in the face, having him insult my integrity. If he’d have asked what I was doing, and accepted my answer, it would’ve been fine. It’s that he didn’t trust what I’d told him. It shook me up. I’m trying to let it go, but damn it’s hard to do. One thing you can be sure of, accusing me of something I did not do, seriously upsets me. Continuing to question my word, when I’ve been honest, that unleashes fury, from within me.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just writing down my story. Good, bad, and ugly. I almost think I should just go do something stupid. Do something to make Adam have to climb back “on top”. I struggle like hell to follow my husband’s lead, when we’re in this weird dynamic. I don’t want to come down on him. We all screw up. It’s so hard, though. How the hell am I supposed to feel? I guess this is his “punishment”, when he screws up. He has to know that he damaged my respect, for him. It can always be repaired, but it needs to be fixed back up. There’s some work in that. I feel like I’m standing on a tight rope, over the Grand Canyon, and the safety net he always holds for me, he sometimes puts it down. I’m left up here, trying not to look down. Desperately trying to convince myself not to feel afraid. But, I am afraid. It’s lonely. I want my husband to come back. Yet, he can’t even do that until I allow it. So, I want him, but I’m pushing him away, at the same time.

I like my drinks like my roof, on the house
We turnin’ up, got double cups, the sun’s goin’ down
With lagers, I’m a boxer, yeah, I need ’bout twelve rounds
And I could be your sponsor if you like how that sounds
Tell me what you’re drinkin’, buckets for a Lincoln
I could cover you and me and everyone you’re bringin’

Come on down, swing on by
Bring whatever’s been on your mind
Locals on tap and bottles on ice
Livin’ on feel-good standard time
My card’s on the bar, you’ve got nowhere to be
If you don’t come through, buddy, that’s on you
‘Cause the beer’s on me
Yeah, the beer’s on me, the beer’s on me
Gonna save you a seat ‘cause the beer’s on me

~Dierks Bentley

We’re going to Poppy’s house, tonight. He’s making us his famous chicken wraps. Those things are SO yummy! My dad’s a real good cook. Mj and I just made the Oreo cream pie dessert we’re bringing there. It’s just crushed chocolate graham crackers, mixed with melted butter, that forms the crust. The filling is vanilla pudding. We crunch up Oreos and stir them into the filling. Pour it over the crust, and cool in the fridge. Right before it’s served, I add some more crunched Oreos to the top. It’s super easy, but Adam and the kids love it. We were going to have a guitar night, outside. The weather is not cooperating, though. We’ve postponed our outdoor “concert”. Instead, we’re going to play some silly board/card games. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, her husband, Pj, Jackie, Justin, Adam, our kids, and me will all be there. We were supposed to be heading there at 5:00, this evening. Adam told me he’s running behind, so it’s going to be close to 5:00 before he gets home. I guess we’ll be leaving as soon as he can get home and get himself ready. I’m excited. I know we’ll have a great time!

Last night, I had to share something with Adam. It has been a full TWO months, since I seriously got into any trouble. I think that’s pretty damn good!

There’s plenty of little things. A smack on my butt, after I roll my eyes. Lots and lots of playful ones, too. I haven’t had to face his “hard hands” in a good while, though.

Mentally, emotionally, even physically, I’ve been in a real good place. I just feel good. I sometimes spiral down, when I’m not in a secure place, in my head, body, and soul. I’m content. I’m not filled with worries. I’m not full of doubt. I haven’t experienced that deep sense of loss and sadness, that sometimes comes out of nowhere. Usually, that happens when my mother is either thrust into the forefront of my mind due to events around me, or it’s my own intrusive thoughts occurring. It’s sort of like having a shadow that follows me. I know it’s there, but can’t really see it, and certainly don’t look for it. Only once in awhile, the sun aligns in such a way that the shadow is standing right in front of me. I simply can’t escape it. No matter how far I run, it’s still there, taunting me. I love soaking in this amazing contentment that I feel. For me, that’s pure bliss.

It’s been a pretty busy Friday! I helped Jackie and Justin move some things into their new place. It’s a real cute little townhouse! Then, I picked up my grocery order, brought that home, and put everything away. I did a couple loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and got our whole house nice and tidy. I went to look for my Easter/Spring decor, but it’s nowhere to be found. I looked through every single tote I had, in the garage. It was time to get creative. I ordered a pack of Spring themed stickers, and some craft magnets. I’m going to make sticker magnets to put on my little metal decorative trucks. I put some pastel flowers in the trunk of my blue one, and moved it to the center of our table. I’m using a cute woven basket, and filling it with some Easter grass, plastic eggs, and artificial carrots. I had to order the carrots, but I already had some plastic eggs and Easter grass. I’d gotten them early, for making our kids Easter baskets.

My baby got a makeover, last night. Her teenage babysitter wanted to practice her skills on people, and Mj had really wanted to be one of them. Not again til she’s 16! She looked way too grown! Gorgeous, though. Of course. Her iPad syncs with my iCloud, and I found this selfie she took last night. Nope. No more makeup. Mama and Daddy aren’t quite ready for it!

She also talked Wyatt into letting her use his face as her canvas. I was actually proud of him for being so secure in himself, that having a teenage girl plaster his face with makeup didn’t phase him. Jackie told me I handled it well, because when he walked into the kitchen, I patted his back and told him that was very nice of him to let her do that. Jackie thinks if I’d have teased him, he would’ve felt like he’d done something wrong. He’s all boy. He’s also confident enough to allow his friend to give him a “makeover”, just because she asked him nicely. ❤️

I’m pretty darned proud of my babies. They’re good kids. Mj is a straight A kid. Wyatt gets As and Bs, sometimes a C, here and there. They both work hard, though. They’re kind, generous, silly, funny, caring, gentle people. I’ve never had one bad report, from a teacher. When Wyatt was in third grade, he once got into trouble for getting up out of his seat, on the school bus. A couple years ago, him and a buddy were riding their bikes around our old neighborhood. They decided to pick a watermelon from someone’s garden, and then smashed it, further on down the road. The lady knew the boys, and came to our door. She wasn’t terribly upset, but didn’t want them to do it again. We all came up with a plan, and Wyatt and his friend had to go to her house and rake and bag up all of her leaves in her yard. That’s really the only times I can think of, when he’s been in trouble. Mj has never done anything, yet. Awhile back, she kept leaving cups and bowls in her bedroom. After warning her, more than once, I punished her. I had her unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away, and sweep the steps going down to our garage. She not only did those things, she also swept off the whole back patio and driveway, and then she did the front porch, steps, and sidewalk. We don’t have to yell or be particularly hard on our kids. I know how blessed that makes us! They’re just so tender hearted, it don’t take much to get them to straighten up. Once in awhile, Wyatt can get an attitude about something. I’ve learned to let him storm up to his bedroom. I’ll give him awhile, and then go talk to him. I’m honest, and I’ll tell him dude, that really hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that. The last time that happened, his eyes filled with tears, he hugged me, and said he was sorry. We haven’t had an issue for quite awhile now. Anyway, I love my babies a bunch!

I’m fixing fiastadas for supper, tonight. I also got stuff to make an Oreo cream pie dessert, for tomorrow. Poppy is cooking for us, at his house. I thought I’d bring some dessert. The kids want to help make it, tomorrow. Adam is going into the office, for a few hours, in the morning. He’s planning to help Justin move some of the heavy things tonight, when he’s home from work, too. They’ve got a washer and dryer, a deep freeze, Jackie’s desk, and a mattress and box springs. Jackie and I weren’t quite qualified to help haul those things up their steps!

Whew! I feel like I’ve been writing for a long time, this afternoon! I suppose I should shut up, for now.

This one uses Velveeta cheese, so I realize that isn’t available everywhere. I would just substitute with whatever cheese y’all figure would melt well into the soup 😊

Ingredients:

1 lb ground beef or turkey

3/4 cup shredded carrots

3/4 cup diced celery

3/4 cup chopped onion

4 cups diced potatoes

3 cups chicken broth

1 tsp basil

1 tsp parsley

2 Tbs butter

1/4 cup flour

2 cups cut up or shredded velveeta cheese

1 1/2 cups milk

1/4 cup sour cream

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Brown ground beef. Set aside. In large saucepan, combine 1 Tbs butter, onion, carrots, celery, parsley, and basil. Sauté until tender. Add chicken broth, potatoes, and ground beef. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat, cover, and simmer about 15 minutes, until potatoes are tender.

In a small skillet melt remaining butter. Slowly add flour. Cook and stir 3-5 minutes, until bubbly. Add to soup and bring to a boil. Cook and stir for 2 minutes, then turn heat to low. Stir in cheese, milk, salt, and pepper. Remove from heat once cheese is melted. Stir in sour cream.

This stuff is very tasty! I like to make dinner rolls to go along with. I’m planning to make this for our supper, on Sunday. We’re going to Poppy’s house Saturday evening, and he’s cooking for us. This will make a great Sunday meal for us, though!

Last night was a much better one. I made sloppy joes/nachos, for supper. Justin came over. Adam and Justin sat in the living room, while Jackie and I hung out in the kitchen. Jackie moves out tomorrow. I’m a mixture of emotions. I’m so very happy for her. I’m excited to have our downstairs space to decorate and arrange myself. I’m also sad I won’t have Jackie here, drinking coffee in the mornings with me. She won’t sit with us every night, at the supper table. We won’t have her just right downstairs, anymore. We’re going to find our “new normal”, and it’ll be great. I’m sure of that. After all, we gained another amazing friend, in Justin. I couldn’t have hand picked a better match for Jackie.

It was a nicer than expected, today. It warmed up into the low 70’s, and the sun made an appearance all afternoon. It was supposed to be cloudy all day, so that was a nice surprise. I got the kids bedding washed and hung out to dry. I finished washing, drying, folding, and putting away the last of our laundry. I swept and mopped. The house smells so good!

I’m making spaghetti, and garlic sticks, for supper. I’m using one pound of ground pork, and 2 pounds of ground beef. I absolutely love Adam’s mom’s spaghetti. She always has much more meat in her sauce than I do. So, I decided to try something new, and maybe replicate her delicious spaghetti meat sauce. As I was filling out Jackie’s new recipe book, with recipes she’s requested from me, I was reminded of my cheeseburger soup. I haven’t made it in a good while, but it’s so yummy! I’m going to share that one on here, too. It’s not quite as simple as a lot of things I share, but it isn’t too difficult.

My brother is flying to attend his friend Jason’s funeral, tomorrow. I’ve talked with my brother some, but he’s not much of a talker. I just wanted to let him know I’m here, I’m so sorry, and I love him. Our lives are so damn fragile. None of us know when our last day might be. Adam and I came up on a car that had been completely wrapped around a tree, on our way to Kansas. The accident had just happened. Emergency services were only beginning to arrive. It was apparent, the driver almost certainly did not survive. I thought about how there was someone, somewhere, minding their own business. That person was about to receive a phone call that would forever alter the course of their life, and probably many others. We said a prayer for those people. People we would never meet, but knew would be suffering nonetheless.

I always say, we should live our lives out like our dogs do. They wake up everyday, excited to see us. They take in every moment. They enjoy the little things. They’re happy to run and play, if we want to. Or, they’re glad to lay and snuggle, if that’s what we need. I think it’s important to appreciate the people who matter to us. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. Contemplating my own life and death is both comforting and terrifying, to me. I believe very much in an afterlife. I also absolutely do not feel ready for this one to be over. I don’t want to leave my people, yet. I have had the conversation with Adam. The “what if” talk. I told him, I do not expect him to live out the rest of his life alone, if I’m not here. My only demand, is that you are always allowed to love me, too. That our babies would still know their mama loved them, and who I was. And, equally importantly to me, that Adam’s headstone is placed right next to mine. I don’t want to be alone. He’s the love of my life. I’ve teased that, if he gets buried next to some other bitch, I will haunt his ass! As I’ve mentioned, I’m a planner. These conversations aren’t easy to have, but it comforts me. I need to know that the things I care most about are clearly known, because I understand I’m not guaranteed tomorrow. I hope and plan for a whole bunch more tomorrows, though! Life just has a way of reminding me to be grateful for each of them, when I need to be.

Last night was a rough one. I got angrier with Adam, than I have in a very long time. The other day, when I saw our mortgage payment had increased due to escrow, I knew it was taxes, insurance, or both. I told Adam, if our home insurance had gone up, I was going to get quotes from some other places. I already knew we’d been paying more than we should, for insurance. Adam had set that all up, when we first bought our house here. Adam assured me he’d call and figure it out. Awhile later, he told me they had said it was because our state and county have increased our property taxes. I trusted that, and left it alone. Until, last night. I was telling Justin about this tax hike, and Adam spoke up. He said, “Well, like $40 of that is because insurance went up.” Immediately, I started seeing red!! Adam had not bothered to mention this, to me, until just then. I felt like he’d lied to me. I let it be made clear, exactly how upset that made me, too.

I know it seems contrary to popular belief, but I’M the saver. I’m the one who’s always financially planning, investing, and looking for ways to save money. I’m not perfect. I do mess up. Adam just sees his paychecks, and figures it’s more than we could need, so what’s the worry… I, on the other hand, track every dollar in and out of all our accounts. We aren’t “rich”. We have bills, like everyone else. We’re fortunate to be able to have all the things we do. I’m not ungrateful. I’m just cautious. Adam tried to argue that “$40 a month more for our insurance isn’t that big of a deal”, but it is to me! Not only that, but he should’ve told me about it, in the first place.

I made calls today, and got several quotes. It turns out, we can combine our homeowner’s insurance with our car insurance, and spend way less than we’ve been paying for home insurance. Going from $2800 a year, down to $1040 a year, is a good chunk to save!

Adam ain’t perfect, y’all. I really chewed him out, last night. I told him it isn’t fair to bust my chops about something that he turns around and does too. I can’t hold him down and spank him, but I’m a damn good “attorney”. I know how to argue, when I’m in the right. I don’t like to be upset with him. I get no pleasure from all of this. He was wrong, though. It mattered a whole lot, to me. I know how to make the dollars stretch. I’m paying half our mortgage every other week, rather than the whole amount just once per month. Doing that will have us paying off our house 1/3 quicker. Rather than it taking 30 years to pay off our home, we can do it in 20. I’m a forward thinker. It’s how I feel safe. I need to know there’s a plan for the important things.

Adam has been pretty quiet, today. I don’t want to be mad at him anymore. I hate to have a crappy evening. I really don’t want to do it again, tonight. All I need is for him to understand and acknowledge the reasons why I was so hurt and angry. I hope we can have a better night.

~Collin Raye

I just finished peeling and dicing potatoes, for our supper tonight. I’ve got ham and cheesy potatoes cooking, in the oven. I’m listening to “90’s Country” music, on my Spotify. This song came on. I haven’t heard it in a long time, but I love it.

Adam’s busy as heck, catching up at work. It was after 7:00pm, when he got home last night. Probably be late again, tonight. I’ve got a sick daughter, too. I got a phone call from the school nurse, yesterday. She had gotten sick to her stomach, so I picked her up. She’s still not feeling very well, today. If she’s still throwing up, tomorrow, I’m taking her into the doctor. Usually these stomach bugs only last 24 hours, max. I hate that she’s feeling so crummy. Also, I do not want whatever she has!

I need to vacuum the floors, but I was trying to stay quiet, so Mj could rest. She’s slept near constant, since I picked her up from school. I did dust all the ceiling fans, and around the house, where the walls meet the ceiling. There’s so much construction, all around us. We get a lot of dust, and cobwebs that form super quickly, too. Wyatt has a baseball game, this evening. It’s real cold here. The high was only 43 degrees. I would be miserable, if I was him. But, he’s fine with it. Adam and I can’t be in the stands, watching, tonight. I can’t say I’m upset that Mj gave me a good excuse to stay inside, where it’s warm and cozy.

While we were in Kansas, it was freezing cold! We didn’t get to spend any time outside, or get out the ATVs. The kids had a lot of fun, anyhow. We went to their family’s shop, and played pool. Several of Adam’s brother’s friends came by, too. Adam had more beer than he’s used to drinking, so I didn’t drink. I volunteered to be the designated driver. It was still a lot of fun, though. I really like his brother’s girlfriend! She is such a sweetheart. I spent a lot of time talking with her. I accidentally gave my nephew a big ol’ goose egg on his head. He was sitting at the top of the steps, trying to be sneaky, so he could scare one of the other kids. I snuck up behind him, and said RAWWWR, as I touched his shoulders. He jumped so hard, he smacked his head on the stair railing. Thankfully, he thought it was funny. I loved spending some time with my niece and nephew, and seeing all the kids have a blast, together.

Jackie is moving out, this weekend! I’m so happy for her. They’ll still live close, so she won’t be hard to see. I’m kind of excited to have the whole basement. Adam’s family wants to come down, this summer. That’s a perfect guest space to have, for them. My sister, her husband, and baby Pj are going to be moving to Texas, this Fall. I love that I can have somewhere for them, when they come home to Tennessee, too.

Aside from a couple eye rolls, and once when I flipped him off recently, Adam hasn’t had any reason to bust my butt. He gives me a smack, when I do those things, but it isn’t that serious. If I rolled my eyes, or flipped him off when we weren’t joking around, that would be very different.

Mj is requesting some chicken broth. I’m going to fix some, and pray it stays down in her belly. Wish us luck!

We made it home! I drove about half of the drive back home, and I averaged 80 mph all the way. Even going through St Louis, 5 lanes of traffic…There I was, in the very most left lane, following the cars before me, who were also in a hurry to get home. I was ready to get out of that car!

I was opening our mail, and our mortgage bill was in there. I opened it, and got an unwelcome surprise. Our property taxes have increased by $140 a month, now!! I think that is absurd. I was very very grumpy about it.

My brother had a friend he had gone through boot camp with. He’s been close to this guy for all these years. His name was Jason. Jason’s wife called my brother, on Friday, to inform him of some tragic news. Jason had an asthma attack, that led to cardiac arrest, and he was in the hospital. He was unresponsive, and they were going to be doing brain scans, to see if he still had any brain activity. I talked with my brother, awhile ago. Jason did not have any brain activity, and he passed away today. He leaves behind a wife and a 2 year old daughter.

As aggravated as I am, about discovering our monthly mortgage payments are increasing because our stupid government decided to raise our taxes, that news was a big reality check. I’m heartbroken for everyone who will have to live without Jason. I need to step back, and thank our Lord above, that my worries are nothing more than a few dollars. Our lives can forever change, in an instant. I am so grateful for the people, and the blessings that I have. We will deal with the stuff life throws us, and be just fine, as long as we have each other.

We made it to Kansas, about 4:45pm, this afternoon. We made pretty good time! Adam’s mom is Catholic, and since it’s Lent, she cooked everybody fish filets, mixed fruit, and macaroni and cheese, for supper. our niece and nephew were here, waiting for us. The kids are all downstairs playing, now. Adam, his brother, his mom, and I are watching a movie. Well, they’re watching…I’m not, clearly. It’s COLD here! It’s about 32 degrees, and the wind just bites through your clothes and into your skin. The kids really want to ride 4 wheelers tomorrow, but it needs to be warmer! Everybody will freeze, if it’s still like this out.

I’m fixing to go put on my cashmere sweatpants, and get cozy. Adam’s mom always has all kinds of hot cocoa and coffee stuff here, for me. I think I’m going to make a cup of hot cocoa.

If y’all haven’t seen “The Wizard of Oz”, that title probably made no sense… Dorothy, from that movie, is trying to get back to Kansas.

Well, it looks like plans have changed. We’re not leaving until tomorrow morning, now. Adam is going to be working late, tonight. I was grouchy about it, and I kind of got an attitude. I checked myself, though. As I mentioned before, I do not want to sit on a freshly spanked ass for 10 hours. Oh well. Now Jackie and I will be able to hang out, in the kitchen, tonight.

I baked some cookies. It helps to warm me up, when I bake something. It’s chilly, today. High was only 59 degrees, and it’s cloudy and dreary. Adam’s mom said they got snow there, earlier this morning! Yuck. I hope it isn’t intolerably cold, when we’re there, because I’d like to shoot some guns. The kids love riding 4-wheelers, and taking “the general” out riding. It’s a 4 seater ATV, and it’s a lot of fun. We’re planning to get something like it, for here, this summer. To Mj, a million dollars is more money than she could spend. She was telling us, the other day, if she won a million dollars, what she’d do with it. She says she’d buy all the houses on our block. She’d have one for Jackie and Justin. One for her best friend and her dad. One for her grandma (Adam’s mom). And, one for her cousins to stay in. She told Jackie she’d buy her a truck with a “snorkel” on it, so Jackie could take it out on the water. She also said she’d hire a driver, so if Jackie and I wanted to get “woozled” (her words), we could still go somewhere. That one made me laugh! My kids know, I won’t ever get behind the wheel if I’ve had, even ONE, alcoholic drink. I’m very particular about that. I always try to drill that into their heads, as well. It’s just not worth it. Obviously, one million dollars could never buy all of those things, but it was cute how all her plans were for everyone she loves! ❤️

I’m hoping to be on our way, by 7:00am, tomorrow morning. Adam suggested leaving at 5:00am, but ugh…I’d rather aim for 7:00. We could be there by evening, and not be too tired to enjoy it with everyone. I honestly prefer driving at night. There’s less traffic. The kids sleep through most of the trip, so we have way less potty breaks. Oliver also doesn’t require as many of them. We don’t want to be leaving here late tonight, and not arriving until after sunrise, because that’s so much harder on us. We’d need to sleep, and then we’d be trying to recover all weekend. If we leave in the morning, we should be able to have a fun Saturday and Sunday. Still, I wish we could’ve left here this afternoon, so we could have all day Friday there, too. I’m doing my best to adjust my attitude.

I’m going to boil some chicken, and throw it in my crockpot with some BBQ sauce. We’ll have pulled chicken sandwiches for supper, tonight. I’ve got leftover pasta salad, and I’m going to make some fries. I’m planning to bake some muffins to bring with us, for breakfast, tomorrow. Adam and the kids like chocolate chip, but I like fruit muffins. So, I’m making both. I need to finish packing, too. Guess I’ll go get started on those things.

Pj got here at 7:30am, this morning. Then, my sister and her husband went to the hospital. He had shoulder surgery, today. I had Pj until almost 5:00pm. My sister picked her up just a little bit ago. Her husband’s surgery went well, though.

I didn’t get much else done, today! I need to pack for our trip. I’m going to get my oil changed, tomorrow morning. Adam’s working for part of tomorrow. Then, we’ll leave for Kansas.

I’m making some cheeseburger macaroni, and corn on the cob for supper, tonight. Wyatt had baseball practice. We’re waiting on him to call and tell us he’s ready to be picked up. Jackie and Justin are heading to buy a washer and dryer. They’re getting the keys to their new place, next Friday!

The last time we made a Kansas trip, Adam spanked me, the night before we left. I am not going to do that again, so long as I can help it! It’s been a busy, but great day, here. Not much to write about, but it was fun having Pj. Mj is so good with her, too.

“We’re just holding it down here in BFE
Still rolling around with a burnt CD
Free Bird, five minutes deep
Head bopping up, down, up, down, up, down
We got what we got, we don’t need the rest
Can turn this parking lot into a party
With an ice chest, dancing, cold beer
Man, we live it up, down, up, down
We live it up down
Here”

Morgan Wallen (feat: FGL)

My poor hubby had one truck break down. It won’t be done getting repairs until Friday. He tried to replace it with a temporary one, so everything could stay on track. This truck, it turns out, can’t be driven until it’s inspected…So it’s utterly useless.

I do my best, to lighten the mood, when he’s having a crappy day! That seems to have done the trick, even if temporarily 😉

Mj and I took the dogs for a walk. I got the pasta salad done. I’m not going to bake the cornbread until later. It’s best when it’s warm, fresh out of the oven. Mj helped me wash off all the doors and baseboards, around the house. Wyatt’s been outside practicing baseball. He’s supposed to vacuum his bedroom, before the end of today.

I’m having a great day, so even if Adam isn’t, I’ll make sure that changes when he gets home, tonight. I’m not sure if we’ll see Justin, or not?

That’s about all I’ve got to write about! Hope everyone else is having a wonderful day, as well.

May we all get to grow up in a red, white, and blue little town
Get a won’t start, hand me down Ford to try to fix up
With some part time cash from drivin’ a tractor
Find a sweet little thang, wears your ball cap backwards
Kinda place you can’t wait to leave but nobody does
‘Cause you’d miss it too much

May we all get to see those fields of green turn gold
Watch a marching band play with the harvest moon comin’ up
And know that fifteen minutes of famous
Ain’t gonna be what makes us or breaks us but
We’ll all be watchin’ the TV the day that it comes

May we all do a little bit better than the first time
Learn a little somethin’ from the worst times
Get a little stronger from the hurt times
May we all get to have a chance to ride the fast one
Walk away wiser when we crashed one
Keep hopin’ that the best one is the last one
Yeah, you learn to fly, and if you can’t, then you just freefall

May we all know that nothin’ ain’t cool ’til you wear the new off
The sound of a quarter rollin’ down the jukebox
Play the Travis Tritt right above the 2Pac
‘Fore you get lost down some road
Slow rollin’ with the top off the back of a Bronco
Buy a cold sixer with a cashed in lotto
She’s smilin’ with her hair blowing out the window
Where you ’bout to go?
Yeah, you learn to fly, if you can’t, then you just freefall
May we all

~Tim McGraw

When I was about 13 years old, my dad had this old, restored, 1986 Chevy pickup truck. He would let me drive it around the back 40 acres. I thought I was the shit, driving that thing around there, by myself. That’s what I learned to drive in. When I was 16, I got a new car. I loved that old blue Chevy pickup, though. I called her “Ol’ Blue”.

It’s cooler, today. Only around 63 degrees, but it’s sunny. I just finished vacuuming the stairs, and washing the wall all alongside them. The kids get that wall covered in fingerprints and, Lord only knows, what else.

I’m hoping that Adam will be home in time to grill chicken for us, this evening. I’m going to make a summery style pasta salad. It’s got tri color (white, green, and orange) spiral noodles, olive oil, bread crumbs, bell pepper, onion, and tomato in it. Everybody’s been asking for more honey cornbread. So, I’m going to go ahead and make that, too.

Last night, as Adam and I were getting ready to take our shower, he smacked my ass a couple times. Normally, I’d know it was playful silliness. It hurt, though. I told him so. Then, he asked me about something. He was questioning me about something that I did not do, and I told him so. I got a little frustrated and overwhelmed, and I started to cry. I asked him if that was why he spanked me so hard? He put his arms around me, pulled me into his chest, and told me he believed me. He said he was sorry, he didn’t mean to make it hurt. Then, he asked me if I wanted him to show me how much it could hurt? I told him absolutely not! Later, when we went to bed, he made love to me. He held me in his arms all night, too. I could tell that he felt bad, for making me feel bad, over something I didn’t do.

It’s been a good day today. We’ve been our goofy selves. He ended up taking an extra day off work, so we can leave for Kansas a little sooner. I’ve got Pj tomorrow, and then we leave for Kansas, Thursday. We’re bringing Oliver with us, because he can be a handful. Diesel is staying here, with Jackie. He’s super easy. Just let him out to pee once in awhile, and put some food in his bowl, twice a day. Maybe some pats in the head, and back scratches, but otherwise, he’s not a very needy dog.

Jackie just came upstairs, for lunch. I’m going to go sit with her.

“I know
We take it to the limit sometimes
Our friends get caught up in it sometimes
But can you tell me, who goes Good as it gets sometimes
Wish we never met sometimes
I’m not understanding”

“The things you say
They hit me with a right sometimes
Hit me with a left sometimes
I’m still standing
We’re still standing”

“No you are not alone
I am in this too,
This is us
This is me and you
So go, turn and walk out that door
Hope you find what you’re lookin’ for
Just know only God could love you more
Than I do”

This song just came on. Adam has said that to me, before. “Only God could love you more than I do”. ❤️

Jackie’s sister stopped by, with the baby, today. We sat on the deck and talked. Mj played with the baby. I had just baked some chocolate chip cookies. I was trying to bribe the baby into walking, using a cookie. She took one full step! That was her first step, too!

I also made some deviled eggs, just because.

Adam ended up having to work late, tonight. I’m making Ziti tonight, instead. Hopefully he’ll be home to grill our chicken tomorrow night, now.

Jackie and Justin just got approved to rent out a townhouse just a couple miles from us. They’re going to be moving there April 1st. I’m so happy for her! Selfishly, I’m sad she won’t be here all the time, but I truly am so thrilled for her. We love Justin. They’re a great match, and they’ll be close by.

Im babysitting for Pj, on Wednesday. My sister’s husband is having surgery on his shoulder. I told them I’d be glad to watch my sweet baby niece! I get plenty of help from Wyatt and Mj, too.

I suppose I should get my ziti started. All I do for that, is take a pound of ground beef and brown it. Add in pasta sauce. I boil my ziti noodles on the stove, and then mix noodles with the sauce and ground beef in a casserole dish. I top with shredded Parmesan, mozzarella, provolone, Romano, and Asiago cheese. Then I bake, uncovered, for about 15 minutes at 350. Just long enough to melt all the cheeses. I’m making my “homemade” garlic bread, too. I also made those deviled eggs, so we’ll have those.

We always go out target shooting, when we visit Adam’s Mom’s place. I realize this is a very American (particularly southern/Midwest) thing to do, but it is how we do. I grew up around guns. I’m actually a real good shot, too. I really enjoy it. Later, when the sun goes down, we go to their shop, play pool, listen to music, and have a blast. Adam’s dad owned a small business, back in Kansas. Adam’s brother still runs it. Adam started his own thing, here in Tennessee. He did it for me. I missed my family so badly. He promised he’d move me home to Tennessee, and he kept his word. I got to raise my babies, where my home is. They do love to go visit Kansas, though. We always have a great time!

We’re heading to visit Adam’s mom, end of this week. His brother will be there, with our niece and nephew. Wyatt and Mj are super close to them, too. They’re all close in age, so they have a blast together.

It’s another beautiful day here. About 80 degrees and lots of sunshine. It looks like it’s going to be a cold weekend for us, in Kansas. This weekend is only supposed to be in the 50’s here in Tennessee, though, so we’re not missing much by being gone. I have super sensitive ears, and Kansas is windy. Any cool breeze gives me horrible earaches. I have to wear a toboggan or ear muffs, unless it’s the middle of summer there.

Mj and I went grocery shopping, earlier. Adam’s planning to grill us some chicken breasts, tonight. Im making ziti, tomorrow night. The next night is my homemade cheeseburger macaroni. Thursday, I’m making pulled BBQ chicken sandwiches. After that, we’ll be at Adam’s mom’s. His middle brother is dating someone. We’re going to be meeting her, while we’re there. His youngest brother will be there, too. I’m actually pretty excited to see everyone.

Wyatt and Mj are across the street, playing outside with the neighbor kids. I’ve got some music playing, dishes drying, and fixing to sweep and mop the kitchen and entryway floors. I need to wash the windows. The dogs get their nose prints all over them. I tried to look cute, in jeans and a tank top, but I’m too warm. I ended up changing into some shorts. I think the kids and I will take the dogs for a walk, later on. As of last night, my dad still didn’t have power back. His neighborhood was hit much harder. A woman was killed by a falling tree, just a couple of streets over from him. I’m grateful we didn’t end up having any serious damage, and especially that we’re all safe.

Jackie will be up for lunch, soon. I’m going to make her some chicken broth. Her belly is much better, but still not great. I’ve never had food poisoning, but it sure does look miserable!

~Shenandoah

It’s such a small thing, but I always smile when we get a letter addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Adam [Last name]. Someone we know is getting married. We got a “save the date”, in the mail. My grandma always addresses our Christmas cards to us that way, too. Adam brought the mail inside, and I saw our wedding invite. That’s such an “old fashioned” way of doing things, but I love it. I love being Mrs. Adam.

Jackie got real sick, last night. She was feeling crummy all day, and then we ate supper. It only aggravated her upset stomach. They believe she had food poisoning. Justin and her had eaten out, Friday night. Justin went to the store, and bought everything he could think of to help her get better. It was very sweet. She’s still trying to recover, today. I feel so sorry for her!

Adam and I sat out on the deck, this morning, enjoying the beautiful day. I talked him into playing a couple games of cornhole, with me. We walked around the backyard, and cleaned up some trash that had blown into our yard. We laughed and had fun, just us. Mj and Wyatt played baseball, for awhile. Then, they jumped on the trampoline, with Oliver.

I’m just having leftover steak, brats, and burgers for supper, tonight. I’m also making some macaroni and cheese. It’s been a really good day, with my family. Jackie is feeling better, but still very tired. She sat out on the deck with us, for awhile, but then she went back downstairs. I’m glad she’s getting better, though. We were going to play ping pong, last night, but Jackie got so sick. We ended up having a quiet night, instead. Next weekend, Adam, the kids, and I are going to visit Adam’s family. The following weekend, we have our guitar night, at Poppy’s house. I’m excited for all of it!

That’s the title to a playlist, on my phone. I’ve got all of our favorite “weekend” songs on it.

The clip was empty…just so everyone knows. I racked it, emptied it, and then played around a little. It was Justin’s 45. I know guns. My dad taught us how to be responsible. I knew there was nothing in the chamber, and it was safe. Just making that clear!

We played cornhole. Grilled burgers, brats, and steaks. Jackie made some squash, in butter and lemon pepper. We’re fixing to go play some ping pong. My dad said they still don’t have power at his place. They got hit even harder, where his house is. Bless all those guys out there still working to get everything from the storm cleaned up. It’s insane all the trees down. Jackie and I drove around, and saw so many downed trees. Im grateful we’re all good.

Last night, we all watched Morgan Wallen’s live concert, from my kitchen. Jackie brought her TV up, and the sound bar, for extra surround sound. It was a lot of fun. He has a lot of great songs. “Tennessee Fan” was a new favorite of ours. MJ’s favorite Morgan Wallen song is, “The Way I Talk”.

Justin and Jackie ran to the store. They got some burgers, brats, and steaks. We’re going to grill those up, later on. It’s a beautiful day. Only in the 60’s, but very sunny, and no wind! We’ll get the cornhole boards out, here soon, too.

Last night, Jackie rolled her eyes at Justin. Adam saw, and he said “That would’ve earned my wife a spanking.” I guess that made me feel the need to get a little mouthy. I made some snarky comments. When we went to bed, later, Adam came over to my side of the bed. He pushed me over the bed, yanked my pants down, and spanked me a few times. I protested, and argued about it. He decided I wasn’t taking him seriously, and pulled me over him. He gave me a very painful, hard smack, on my ass. I am not giving him any attitude, today. We took a shower, this morning. I gave him a blowjob. I asked him if I could roll my eyes today, after we’d finished. He told me NO. It was worth a try, anyhow.

We lost power, this afternoon, for a couple hours. It’s back on, now. That wind was nuts! We were in a tornado warning, for a little while, too. We had several shingles blown off our roof. The trampoline blew into the fence, but seems undamaged. Just glad it’s over.

The sun’s out, now. It’s supposed to be a warm, sunny weekend. We’re going to have a quiet evening. Tomorrow, we’ll get out the cornhole boards, and BBQ something. I’m sitting in the kitchen, with Jackie. We’re listening to Morgan Wallen’s new album. It just dropped. Justin is picking up a few things from the store. Adam should be getting off work in the next hour. I’m planning on a “fend” night, for supper.

That’s pretty much the entire day’s worth of excitement, here!

I don’t usually write on here, this late, but… They just called off school. I expected that to be coming. Now they’ve got our meteorologist telling everybody to have water for people and pets, and to be prepared to have a place in the basement we can go. They’re talking about 92mph winds. I’m getting afraid!

I’m baking some orange sweet rolls, for us to have ready to eat in the morning. Justin is staying here, tonight. He brought his little camp stove, just in case. At least we’ll have coffee!

I just hate knowing it’s fixing to get nasty. It’s exactly 3 years ago, tomorrow, we had the big Nashville tornadoes. We had no power for 6 days, at our house. It was a mess. If I don’t write for awhile, it probably got bad here. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get on tomorrow, and report all good things. I’m not counting on it, but I’m praying for it!

Well, that’s just great… Don’t look like we’ll be doing much of anything outside, tomorrow. Gosh, I hope we don’t lose power!! They’re saying to expect them. Ughhhhhhh

Every Monday, we complain the weekend went too fast. It feels like we blink, and we’re saying, tomorrow’s Friday again, though! Jackie and I were just talking about that. Can’t believe it’s almost another weekend!

That big ol’ bruised thumb there, is from attempting to block Adam’s hand from connecting with my behind, last night. Not wise. I know better. He had held my arms out of the way, and swatted me a few times. We were just getting ready to take our shower, and after he’d spanked me, I was kind of ignoring him. He said something to me, and my response was snarky. He spun me around, to face him, and knowing what was coming, I threw my hand behind me. My finger is fine, just swollen and bruised.

I had text Adam, yesterday evening, shortly before he got home from work. I had to find out what was coming.

We had supper, and a normal evening. When Adam told me he was ready to go take a shower, I figured that’s when I’d be answering to him. I figured right. If I would’ve kept my mouth shut, and then, if I hadn’t have reached my hand back, I’d be perfectly fine. He really wasn’t grumpy with me. It just took me a little too long to let go of my own attitude…

Adam’s had a good week. He’s getting a pretty big award, for his work. I’m very proud of him!

It’s cooler, today. Only mid 60s, and mostly been cloudy. It stormed, last night. We got lots of thunder and lightning. It rained hard, for awhile.

I haven’t gotten a whole lot done, today. I baked some chocolate chip cookies, yesterday. Haven’t baked anything today, though. I put on some cute jeans, that make my butt look good. I did my hair and makeup. I’ve done all my regular chores. Pick up the house, make the beds, clean the kitchen. I’m making the tater tot casserole for supper, tonight.

It was Oliver’s second birthday, yesterday! He got some extra treats, a lot of love and games of tug of war with us, plus Mj and I took the dogs for an over 2 mile walk. Oliver has his appointment to get fixed, coming up. After many conversations with our vet, we’d decided to wait on that. For bigger dogs, it can be better for them, to let them finish growing, before getting them neutered. Studies suggest that it helps with their bones and joint health. He’s 2 now, so it’s time to get it done. I already got him a soft cone, kind of like a neck pillow, because he would go crazy if he had to wear one of those big ol’ “cones of shame”.

Justin waited in line, this morning, for almost 4 hours. He was trying to get us all tickets to Morgan Wallen’s impromptu concert, tomorrow night. He was SO close, too!! They ran out of tickets, just before he got up there. It was so sweet of him to try that hard for us, though!

After tomorrow, the kids are on Spring Break, for a whole week. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are planning to play some cornhole, this weekend. We’re deciding what we all want to BBQ. The kids voted for chicken. I’m good with whatever. Anything Adam grills is delicious!

That’s about all I know, for today.

They did an echocardiogram, and met with the specialist. Pj is GREAT! That makes me sooo happy! I just wanted to let all my readers who’ve been following along know, we got some great news, today ❤️

Yesterday evening, Justin came over and hung out with us. Jackie got the flowers he had ordered for her. They’re beautiful!

We had a great time, just sitting around, talking about everything and nothing, at the same time. Jackie and I wanted to stay up, a little bit longer, so she asked Justin to keep Adam entertained.

We went to bed, around 10:30pm. Adam was tired, but I still got laid. As we were laying in bed, I rolled my eyes, after Adam had said something. He caught me. We’d just been teasing and laughing, seconds earlier. I didn’t like how serious, and grumpy he got. Then, he accused me of doing it again. But, I hadn’t, that time! He said, “That’s two.” It made me mad, so I said, “Fine, then I’m gonna do it again”, and I looked right at him, glared, and rolled my eyes. He said, “That’s three”. That’s when I really lost my shit. I told him, “Ya know what? Fine. Fuck it…Fuck it. Fuck off. And, fuck you.” That’s when Adam informed me that tomorrow, when he gets home, he’s going to give me a spanking. He was calm, but I was frustrated. I said, “Whatever”. He said, “You say that tonight, but about 2:00 tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to get a text from you asking questions, trying to figure out if you’re still in trouble.”

Dammit if he wasn’t right… It’s not 2:00 yet, but I’m wondering whether he was serious serious, or maybe he forgot? Should I say anything? Should I just keep quiet, since he’s expecting me to be questioning him, now? I was in such a good mood, yesterday! It was just something about Adam’s smug tone of voice, that set me off. We’d gone from joking around, to serious, in seconds. There are plenty of times, when I know and accept that I’ve screwed up. Last night, I didn’t feel like I deserved to be in trouble. Well, not until I really went off the rails, and told him exactly what I thought, and where he could go. That crossed the line. I do accept that much. I regret the way I handled myself. If I’d have just calmly spoken to him, and told him what was frustrating me, that would’ve made a world of difference. I have done a much better job of containing my attitude, when my brain wants to go full bitch mode. I didn’t do so good, last night, though.

I felt Adam give me a kiss, before he left. He’s replied to my texts, and seems fine. I haven’t brought up what happened, last night.

It’s another beautiful day, here. Sunny, and around 80 degrees. I’ve got our bedding hanging out to dry, on the deck. Another neighbor was outside cutting his grass, so the whole house smells like fresh cut grass and clean laundry. They’re calling for thunderstorms, later this evening. I’m going to take the dogs on another walk, after Jackie’s lunch break. I like to sit on the deck, and eat lunch with her.

My sister, her husband, and baby Pj are on their way to Vanderbilt children’s. Pj is going to see the pediatric cardiologist specialist, today. I’m really anxious to find out what he has to say!

“The longer I live, the more I believe, you do have to give if you want to receive. There’s a time to listen, and a time to talk. And, you might have to crawl, even after you walk. Had sure things blow up in my face. Seen the long shot win the race. Been knocked down by the slamming’ door. Picked myself up and came back for more. Life’s a dance. You learn as you go. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. Don’t worry ‘bout what you don’t know. Life’s a dance. You learn as you go.”

~John Michael Montgomery

I often tell Adam, I can’t know what I don’t know. I suppose that’s how I’ve lived, all my life. People tell me, I always insist on learning things “the hard way”. I know I’m prone to taking chances. I’m careful about things I’ve learned better about. I’m responsible with money. I don’t ever put my children at risk. For myself, I can be kind of a risk taker. There’s this need to know, what if, that speaks so loudly to me. I need to find out, for myself. It’s like I’ve fallen so many times, I’m not particularly afraid of it anymore. I’m not sure whether it’s stupidity, courage, or maybe a mixture? I guess, it’s just who I am.

While there have been a series of unfortunate events, and people, who’ve failed me horribly, I mostly have been blessed to have people I know will be there, if I fall. If I make a mistake, there are people who I can count on. They will help me back up, onto my feet. Of course, I’d do the same for them! I love “my people” fiercely.

I automatically give “ my people” the benefit of doubt, until there’s irrefutable evidence to the contrary. I might view the rest of the world through skeptical eyes, but not “my people”. I pretty much expect the world is lying to me. Not “my people”, though. That can be devastating to me, when that deep trust gets broken. Despite being beaten down before, I always have faith in the people I love. It isn’t a half faith, either. It’s all in. This might be the risky side of me? It’s how I operate. If you’re in my circle, you’ve got my utmost trust. When that’s been tested, even in small ways, it shakes me. It’s hard for me to ever believe anyone I love would lie to me.

I’m not anywhere near perfect. I have told “half truths”. I do, what Adam calls, “sidestep”, sometimes. I always tell on myself, though. I can’t stand knowing I haven’t told the entire truth to someone I love. I’m not a liar. I absolutely can’t do that. I’ve lived this out for so long, “my people” always trust what I tell them. Having their trust is what keeps me honest. I won’t betray it. I’m a horrible liar. Even when it’s a silly thing, like a surprise, my ears turn beat red if I have to tell a fib, to keep the surprise a secret. So long as nobody specifically asks me about it, I can keep quiet. If I’m questioned, though, it’s game over.

Justin ordered flowers, for Jackie. He text me, and asked me to keep an eye out for them. I haven’t said a word about that surprise, to Jackie!

I’ve been paying my sister’s mobile phone bill, for almost 3 years, now. I finally gathered the courage to tell her, she’s going to have to do her own thing. She’s married. I really shouldn’t have to feel responsible for her bills. When our mother disappeared, my sister had been on her phone plan. When that got cut off, I invited her to get on mine. She was supposed to pay for her part of the bill, but it never happened. I’ve spent over $3,000 paying for her iPhone and Apple Watch bills. I told her, I’ll pay off what’s left of her iPhone, so she can keep it. She can take it and do whatever she wants with it. I can get a new phone, a new watch, and still spend less than I’ve been paying for hers and mine together. That was hard for me to do, though. I love my sister. I feel a responsibility toward her, beings I’m the “older”, sister. Adam never complained about her being under my phone plan, but I think it’s past time to give her the opportunity to “adult”, for herself. I love her to death, but it isn’t fair for Adam and I to be taking care of my married, grown sister’s bills. Even though I know all of these things I’m saying are true, I still felt guilty and nervous to tell her. She took it better than I’d worried she might. Thank goodness!

I think I’m going to go take the dogs for a walk, now that I’ve got all my “to do’s” checked off the list. It’s gorgeous, today! 72 degrees, sunny, and zero wind blowing. We heard someone cutting their grass, awhile ago. We also noticed our neighbor’s AC cut on, while Jackie and I sat on the deck, during her lunch break. I think it feels perfect. Lots of windows open, and the house is just right.

“Don’t blink. ‘Cause just like that, you’re 6 years old and you take a nap. Then you, wake up and you’re 25, and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife. Don’t blink. You just might miss your babies growing like mine did…”

I remember dancing with my son, Wyatt, when he was a little baby. This song specifically takes me back to those memories. I loved to dance with my babies. I always have music playing. I’d hold my babies, in my arms, and dance with them, until they fell asleep. Then, I’d keep dancing, because I so wanted to hang onto that moment. This song always got to me, because it’s so true. You wake up, and he’s 13…

The kids will be on Spring Break, next week. We’re going to go visit Adam’s mom, at the end of that week. March 18th, we’ve got a guitar night, at Poppy’s, planned. In April, we’re going to Florida, for a family vacation. Justin and Jackie are coming along, too. We’ve got some fun stuff coming up!

It’s sunny and warm again, today. The birds are singing. The trees are all starting to get green. Mosquitos are coming back to life, because I’ve gotten bit up, the last week or so.

I’m fixing my taco lasagne for supper, tonight. I’m planning to clean all the main floor bathrooms, and wash the kids bedding. It was rainy and crappy, on Sunday, so I waited until I knew it would be sunny and warm, so I can hang their blankets and sheets out. Earlier, Jackie helped me pull my stove out, so I could clean under and behind it. Kind of doing the “spring cleaning” thing, now! I need to run to the store, again. We need coffee, laundry detergent, and sour cream. I forgot to grab sour cream, for tonight’s supper. I swear, the minute I bring home groceries, I’m starting a new list of things we need…It never ends!

I’m going to grab myself one more cup of coffee, sit out on the deck, and then get myself ready to go to the store. I want to get that done, so I can be home when Jackie is on her lunch break. We want to sit out on the deck, and enjoy the weather. 😊

I don’t think I’ve shared this recipe, yet. I’m planning to make this, later this week. All you need is

A bag of frozen tater tots

1 pound ground beef or turkey

2 cans of sweet corn

2 cans of creamed corn

Velveeta (or your choice) cheese

Brown the ground beef. Shred the cheese. Mix corn, cheese, and ground beef in a 9×13 casserole dish. Top with a layer of tater tots. Bake at 425 degrees for about 20 minutes.

And we have another very simple, filling, and yummy supper 😊

“We’re up when the rooster crows
Clock in when the whistle blows
Eight hours ticking slow
And then tomorrow we’ll do it all over again”

“I’m a member of a blue collar crowd
They can never, nah they can’t keep us down
If you gotta, gotta label me, label me proud”

“I belong to the drinking class
Monday through Friday, man we bust our backs
If you’re one of us, raise your glass
I belong to the drinking class”

“We laugh, we cry, we love
Go hard when the going’s tough
Push back, come push and shove
Knock us down, we’ll get back up again and again”

“I’m a member of a good timing crowd
We get rowdy, we get wild and loud
If you gotta, gotta label me, label me proud”

“I belong to the drinking class
Monday through Friday, man we bust our backs
If you’re one of us, raise your glass
I belong to the drinking class”

“We all know why we’re here
A little fun, a little music, a little whiskey, a little beer
We’re gonna shake off those long week blues
Ladies, break out your dancing shoes
It don’t matter what night it is, it’s Friday
It’s Saturday and Sunday
I just want to hear you say
I just want to hear you sing it
Y’all sing it with me”

“We belong to the drinking class
Monday through Friday, man we bust our backs
If you’re one of us, raise your glass
We belong to the drinking class”

~Lee Brice

Jackie is starting to develop some real love, for Justin. It makes me so happy to see her this happy! He is amazing, to her. He’s become a great friend, to Adam and I. They’re planning to go meet his family, in Wyoming, this summer. Justin told Adam, if all keeps going this well, he wants to propose when they get back. It’s incredible, how when you find “your person”, everything just works. All of the pieces start to come together, and it’s such a beautiful thing to see happen for my best friend.

We have plans, for summer. We’re all going to get a 4 seater side by side, that we can take out driving, together. Jackie and Justin want to find a house in our subdivision. We have quickly all become great friends, and I believe it will stay this way. I can’t describe how excited I am, that Jackie has found Justin, and that we have all grown to be such close friends. Adam enjoys hanging out, with Justin. He gets silly, and laughs. They can do their own thing, while Jackie and I do ours, and we all have fun. We can all hang out together, and have the best times, too. The lives of every one of “my people”, have grown and changed in the most beautiful ways. This last year has brought an unbelievable amount of blessings to me, and to all the people I love. My sister got married, and had a beautiful baby girl. My dad met the sweetest woman, who we all love as family now. Everyone is healthy, and happy, and we’ve all had some wonderful things come to us. I’m taking a moment to celebrate how amazing that is. How lucky I am. How thankful I am. I honestly have never felt this deep sense of peace, like I do lately. God is so good. ❤️

“I’m in a hurry to get things done. Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun. All I really gotta do is live and die, but I’m in a hurry and don’t know why…”

~Alabama

It was only supposed to be low 70s, today. It’s 80 degrees outside, right now. It started off cloudy and rainy, but the sun came out, around 10:00am. It’s windy, but it’s a warm wind. I’m loving it!

I had to grab a few things from the store, this morning. I’ve got a couple loads of laundry done, wiped down all the kitchen counters. I cleaned out the sink, the stove and oven, and wiped down the fronts of all the appliances. I swept, vacuumed, and mopped. Now, I’m taking a break. Decided to come sit on the deck, and enjoy the warm sunshine.

I’m making meatball sub sandwiches, for supper. I have some frozen Italian meatballs, ready to go. All I have to do is heat them up. I cook them in the pasta sauce, on the stove. We put the meatballs and some sauce inside sub rolls, and top with mozzarella cheese. I’m going to make onion rings, to go with.

Most every morning, I send Adam a picture of Oliver passed out, in our bed. He sleeps in his kennel, at night, but he always goes for a nap on our bed, after the kids leave for school.

I suppose I’ll go back inside, and get back to work. I want to make some muffins, for the kids. They like to eat them, for breakfast. This way, I’ll have some ready for them to eat, tomorrow morning. They’ll be getting home, in about an hour. I frosted some graham crackers, with cream cheese frosting in the middle, for them to have for snack. I need to get more fruit. I sometimes make this fruit dip. It’s just one part marshmallow fluff to one part cream cheese. Mix together well, and you can dip grapes, apples, pineapple chunks, strawberries…anything you like. It’s delicious!

Whether we’re having a guitar night at Poppy’s, going out driving around, looking for dirt roads to explore, playing cornhole or ping pong, or just standing around in my kitchen, we always laugh and have a great time. I think that’s an amazing thing, to have people who I can be silly and share laughter with. I’m just thinking about how blessed I am. I love “my people” so much.

We’ve had another awesome weekend. We’re already making plans for a ping pong night, next weekend. Tomorrow, it’s back to the “grind”. I’m feeling so happy, though. I’m so grateful for these people around me, my family, and friends who are family.

I haven’t had a bad day, for a good while. I haven’t been in trouble, with Adam, in a good while. I know it makes my writing a little less intense, but I’m loving it. We share much more joy than sadness, in our home. There’s way more sweet, than sour. I haven’t felt this “light”, in a very long time. Sharing the silly, the fun, the good here, rather than just the hard stuff, has really helped me to recognize how many more good days I have, than bad.

Well, we ended up going to the pink elephant, last night. It was a lot of fun, though! We also drove backroads around the “Bell Witch” caves. We didn’t stay out as long as the last time. We were in bed by midnight.

Adam and Justin had a great time, too! We were jamming to songs from the 50’s, 80’s, 90’s, and 2000’s.

The weather is cloudy, again. It’s low 60s, but I miss the sunshine. I’m making chili dogs tonight, for supper. Adam’s going to grill some hotdogs and brats. I have chili, nacho cheese, and jalapeños we can pile on top of them.

I’m sitting in the kitchen, with Jackie. We’ve been looking through pictures and videos. We’ve had so many fun times, just since January! It’s fun to look back at all the memories we’ve made. Justin fits right into our crazy, too. It’s awesome.

I was listening to a podcast. They were suggesting that sexual assault, for women, is a very rare thing. Some of the panel even went so far as to state that many women are lying, when they talk about this having happened to them. I do recognize that some women have lied. *cough*….Amber Heard. That’s so wrong, on every level, and should be punished. I know, for a fact, that the women in my life are not lying about what’s happened to them. I will never believe that all, or most men, are out here harming women. I do have to say, I don’t know many women, in my life, who haven’t been abused. Physically, sexually, or both. I am not one of the new generation of, so called, feminists, who believe all men are evil. I do know a whole lot of women who’ve been assaulted, though.

I don’t subscribe to the “believe all women” notion. I recognize that we live in a society where we should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. That never negates the fact that way too many women have been assaulted.

I don’t think women should lay hands on a man, either. I absolutely believe a man should be able to defend himself. Most men are bigger and stronger. Most men are raised to never hit a woman. If a woman is hurting a man, he has every right to use necessary force, to get away from her.

We need to shame men and women, who abuse. We can recognize that these things do happen, much too often, without saying all men, or all women. Most men and women are not abusive. Some are. It happens. Most of us would never lie about something as serious and devastating as sexual assault. For me, it’s almost embarrassing. I continue to look back, and wonder how I could have done things differently, so that hadn’t happened. There’s nothing wrong with teaching boys to respect women. I also believe it’s our responsibility to teach our girls to be wise and be cautious. That doesn’t mean that wearing a low cut shirt is inviting men to assault you. I only mean that, we have to be aware of our surroundings. We have to be prepared, and on “guard”, because as unfortunate as it is, evil still exists in our world, and it ain’t ever going to go away. I learned, the hard way, you never accept an open drink from someone you’re out with. I cannot blindly trust that people are good. I have a lot of faith in humanity, but I will not let my guard down unless I’m with my husband, my father, my brother, or a sober Jackie and my sister. Those are pretty much the only people I would ever accept an open drink from. I have already spoken to my kids, multiple times, about the importance of this. I’m doing my best to train them in the realities of life. If I could wave a magic wand, and make the world a completely safe place for them, I would. But, I can’t. So, I realize how important it is for me to teach them about the best ways they can protect themselves. You can do everything right, and still get taken advantage of. It happens. But, prevention is our first line of defense. I love my son. I never want him to be in a situation where he could possibly be accused of something he didn’t do. I love my daughter. I never want her to be in a situation where someone does something she doesn’t want them to. It goes both ways. Discussing these things does not mean that I think one sex is right, and the other is wrong. I simply do not ever want another person I love to get hurt.

My sister, Jackie, our dad, his girlfriend, and I all have iPhones. We always share our locations with each other. Sometimes, we play around with that. We can always see when Poppy is spending the night at his girlfriends, or when he’s at home. When one of us is making a trip somewhere, or heading to each other’s house, we can follow along. Last night, Jackie, my sister, and I were checking on everybody’s locations. I think it’s crazy how it can even show WHERE, in the house, we each are! I hadn’t ever realized that, until Jackie had me switch to the 3D map. Poppy was at his girlfriend’s place. We text them a screenshot and teased them about which room it was they were in? 😆

Baby Pj started a medication for her hemangioma, a few weeks ago. They were gradually increasing her dosage. A couple days ago, she was increased to the maximum dose that they were wanting her on. It can cause hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), so my sister is to feed her within half an hour after she is given this medicine. Pj was refusing to eat, for the entire 6 hours they were here. She was irritable, and sleepy. Normally, that wouldn’t be a huge worry, but because of this medicine, it was concerning. She took Pj home, and called their doctor. Fortunately, she did finally decide to start eating again, later that night. She’s a little congested, today. We’re wondering if she might not be getting a little cold? My sister’s such a good little mama! She is always asking me for advice, but she does an amazing job looking after her baby. I’m so proud of her!

We’re going to grill those steaks for supper, tonight. Jackie really wants to go out driving, later on. There’s this little town, not far from us. They have this giant pink elephant statue, and another giant black and white cow one, wearing pink glasses. She wants to show Justin. I’m not sure if we’ll end up going, or not? I’d kind of prefer to stay home. Maybe play some ping pong or card games. I guess we’ll see how the evening plays out.

I’ve been on my period, the last several days. I think it’s finally done, now. I miss my husband! I’d really like to get laid, later on! Whatever we end up doing tonight, I know that’s my plan for the end of it.

It’s been a pretty lazy day. The weather is cool, only mid 50s, and cloudy. I swear, the weather seriously messes with my energy levels! Give me a warm, sunny day, and I’m ready to take on the world. When it’s cold and dreary, I just want to snuggle under some blankets. It would be nice to do something fun, with Justin and Jackie, though.

It’s almost 4:00pm. I suppose I should fix my face, and get the scalloped potatoes going. I’ve got the pasta salad ready. We love to grill things. Adam doesn’t cook much of anything, but he’s awesome with his charcoal grill. Everything he makes is delicious. He always knows just how I like things, too. Which seasonings I prefer. How done I like my meat, (well done). It’s funny, when we first met, he didn’t eat anything spicy. After being introduced to several spicy dishes, being with me, he has now come to enjoy much hotter spices than even I do! He adds jalapeños to almost everything. Adam is down 11 pounds now! He’s been working hard to get that extra weight off. I have consistently remained between 96-98 pounds, which is 6-8 pounds more than I was last Fall. On my body, even a few pounds makes a big difference. My boobs are bigger. My jeans fit tighter. I don’t particularly mind it, but I’m not sure I’d like to put on anymore weight, now. My grandma, on my mother’s side, was a very very heavy set woman. I loved her so much, but there were so many things she couldn’t do, because of her obesity. I have such a fear of not being able to do things I once could. I still do the handsprings, one handed cartwheels, and headstands that I used to do, back when I was a cheerleader. I make sure I can still do random things, like that, because I don’t want to “lose” it. I want to run and play, with my kids. One day, with my grandkids. I want to be healthy. I’m terrified of living in pain, or addiction, so I work hard to make sure that doesn’t happen. I do not want to become my mother, or her mother. Even my grandma became addicted to pain medication. I try to be responsible, and careful. We drink a beer or two, when we’re hanging out. I never drink when im upset, though. I rarely drink too much. I don’t even like to be drunk, and I absolutely never take drugs of any kind. I don’t even like weed. I am going to do everything I can, to make sure that I don’t fail my family, or myself. We only get this one life to live. I am determined to live it up, healthy, happy, and to make my family proud.

To make the white gravy, you only need butter, flour, and milk.

Melt about half stick of butter in a saucepan, over medium heat. Add about 1/4 cup flour, slowly. Stir constantly, using a whisk, until bubbly. Mix in milk, slowly. Adding about 1/2 cup at a time, to total about 2 cups of milk, and stir well.

I use 6 packages of Buddig brand corned beef. I just slice it into pieces and add it to the gravy.

Once everything’s been heated and mixed, remove from heat. Gravy will thicken as it cools.

I bake some biscuits in the oven and make mashed potatoes. If you don’t have biscuits, take a slice of bread, and split it in half, instead. Split the biscuits in half, put a scoop of gravy in the middle (or on top of them, whichever you prefer), and top with the corned beef gravy. There’s another name for this, we had growing up…”Shit on a Shingle”. No clue where that comes from, but that is another name for this meal 😉

It’s very very filling! My family all enjoy it, though.

When we were playing cornhole last weekend, at that first place we all went to, someone walked in front of Jackie and I. There were other people watching us, and one guy yelled at the person who walked in front of us, “Dude! They’re professionals! Go around!” 😆

Adam didn’t get home from work, until nearly 8:00pm. He played a couple of games, and then we went inside, got the kids in bed, got showered, and went to bed. Since Adam ended up being stuck late at work, we just made pizza, instead. We’re going to grill, tomorrow evening. Tonight is just going to be a quiet night, with the kids, at home.

My sister is bringing Pj over, in a little bit. We’re just going to hang out awhile. I love to spend as much time as I can get, with those two!

Tonight, I’m making corned beef gravy, for supper. I serve it with mashed potatoes and bread or biscuits. We sort of sandwich the mashed potatoes, between biscuits, and pour the gravy over them. It’s rainy, and much cooler, today. I think the high is only supposed to be 55 degrees. I even heard the furnace cut on, this morning. It hadn’t ran for several days. Oh well. I am grateful for the breaks in cold weather, like we’ve had this week.

It’s Friday, so I’m going over my “book”. I have a little planner, where I keep track of all our bills. I know I’ve messed up, a few times, but I’m usually very on top of things like this. I’m a weirdo who actually enjoys accounting. After that’s done, I’m going to finish putting away this laundry, so I can have a couple hours to spend with my sister and baby niece.

Dierks Bentley sings a song called, “What Was I Thinkin”. There’s a line in it, where he says, “I was thinkin bout a little white tank top sittin right there in the middle by me. I was thinkin bout a long kiss, man just gotta get goin where the night might lead…”

Well, it’s another tank top and shorts kind of day, here in Tennessee! That’s my favorite thing to wear. Either a tank top, or a sundress. Anything you wear when warm weather permits, is always my preferred choice. Summer is my season! I hate being cold. I’m in such a good mood, now that days are getting longer and warmer. The trees are blooming. Flowers are popping up. I love it! I spent the whole morning running errands, so I’m happy to be home, where I can enjoy this beautiful weather.

Our son got his baseball pictures back, yesterday. He looks SO grown!

Justin is coming over, this evening. We’re going to grill some steaks and play a few games of cornhole. The weather drops back down into 50s and 60s for the next several days, so we’re making the most of this last amazing day! I’m making a pasta salad, and some scalloped potatoes, to go along with the steaks.

It’s honestly so warm inside the house, I’m not sure how much housework I’m going to be doing, today. It’s 81 degrees, inside. It’s humid. I’m absolutely not complaining, and I’m certainly not about to turn on the AC, yet. I’m just saying it’s a little stuffy, which makes it kind of hard to get much done! I put off turning the AC on, every single year. I love to have windows open, letting fresh air inside. I love to be outside. I tolerate heat, way better than cold. Adam is just the opposite. In the winter, we argue over how warm I can set the thermostat. In the summer, we argue over how warm I can set the thermostat. 😆 I do 68 degrees, in winter. And, I do 78 degrees, in summer. Enough to cut humidity out of the air, but not cool enough it’s running constantly. Plus, I think we spend more time outdoors, when we’re not spoiled inside a house as cool as the freezer in a grocery store.

Mj was trying to play volleyball with her friend, yesterday. They only had a basketball, because Oliver has eaten all the other balls we had. I picked up a volleyball, so everybody can play, today. I also grabbed some ice cream cones. We’re going to have those after school, for a treat. I found a Twix ice cream bar, for Adam. I think he’ll definitely enjoy it, since Twix is his favorite candy.

I’ve only got a little more than an hour, until my kiddos get home. I suppose I should get something done. Jackie washed her bedding. I’m going to go hang it out, for her. I think I’ll go ahead and make the pasta and potatoes, so I don’t have to be inside cooking, when everybody’s hanging out, outside. Hopefully my good mood can be “contagious”, and y’all have a wonderful afternoon/evening, too!

~Percy Sledge

Listening to some oldies, now.

I just can’t with that little baby girl! She turns 3 months old, on Feb 25th. She’s already teething! She has been holding her head up from the day she was born. She reminds me of my daughter. She did everything early, too. She was saying “mama, dada”, “baba”(bottle), “caca” (cracker), and “hi” by 5 months old. She walked at 9 months, ran by 10 months.

A few years ago, we really considered another baby. I’d spent a couple years, before that, not so subtly hinting that I wanted another. Then, one night, Adam said to me, “If you really want to, let’s do it”. That’s when I walked that idea back. I hope I made the right choice. I think I did. I love being a mama, but I’m also enjoying this season of our lives. The kids are pretty self sufficient. We can play card games. They help with the chores. It’s been months since we’ve had our daughter climb into bed with us. She occasionally has a bad dream, gets sick, or thunder scares her. We get to sleep, all through the night. We can give our kids all the things they need, and a whole lot they want. I absolutely adore Pj! I just know, it’s easier when Adam tells me no, to having more babies. I know, if I truly wanted it, he would make it happen. He’s an amazing daddy. I think I’m content, though. I would like to get back into caring for foster children, one day. We had a baby boy for about a year and a half, about 8 years ago. We also took care of a 12 year old boy, for over a year, back in 2018. His parents had become homeless. He had no way to get to school, and didn’t have regular meals. We found out through some friends of friends, and offered to let him stay with us. I took him to school, everyday. We tried to give him some happiness. His parents were able to get back on their feet, and he’s with them now. I would definitely do that kind of thing, again.

Last night, Jackie and I were talking, in the kitchen. Adam came in, around 8:15pm, and wanted me to go shower with him. I asked him to wait a little longer. When it got to 9:30pm, he wasn’t waiting any longer. Jackie was worried I was going to be in trouble for messing around for so long. He wasn’t upset, though! If he didn’t want to wait on me, he would’ve just went in and showered, without me. When we finally did get in the shower, I was in a silly mood. We were laughing and goofing around. I ended up rolling my eyes, at Adam, which is why Jackie sent this to me…

The stubborn in me told him, it was worth it, after he slapped my butt for rolling my eyes. That wasn’t a good idea. It ended up costing me a much harder slap on my ass. He ain’t playin’ around, about me rolling my eyes. Just figured I’d mention this little “slip up”.

I’m making chicken sandwiches, for supper. I’ll make some French fries, to go with. It’s a good “summery” meal, since it’s so warm out.

Kiddos should be getting off their school bus, any minute now. I’m going to get some snacks ready for them. We’ve got grapes and apple slices, today.