So, a few weeks ago, I ordered these really cool sheer window blinds that don’t need cords or knobs to move them up and down. They just stay wherever you want to push or pull them. We needed something like this in our eat in area in our kitchen and I’ve looked for just what I wanted since we moved in here. I finally found exactly what I wanted for only $50 a piece. I just needed 2 of them. We finally hung them a couple weeks ago and it turned out, one of them was broken. I contacted the company who sent out a replacement, but I needed to ship back the defective one or else we’d be charged for the replacement. Y’all probably know where this is going now.

I had the blind in the box and ready to take to the UPS store, but I kind of sort of put that off. I went to do it yesterday, and discovered I’d waited too long and we’d been charged. I doubted I could even still send this broken one back now. I seriously debated whether to tell Adam about this. He would never ever notice a relatively small amount of money missing from one of our accounts anyway. I was very quiet and he kept asking me why I was so distant. Finally, while we were getting ready for bed, I told him. Guilt got to me and it felt too much like lying. I just knew how frustrated he would be considering we’d just addressed my bad habit of procrastinating a few weeks ago. I told him the whole situation. Then I giggled nervously, waiting for him to respond. I did not think it was funny. I just get like that when I’m nervous. Also, my ears turn bright red, which Adam commented on. He sighed and asked me “What am I going to do with you???” I replied “Accept me for the way I am?” He smiled and he pulled me into him. My face is right at his chest when he holds me because he’s about a foot taller than I am. I knew he wasn’t happy. He was showing me he loved me, anyway. He told me that I am not allowed to buy anything else for the house or for fun for 2 weeks. No more Fall candles that I love. No new lotion or makeup or whatever thing I would’ve gotten. Things the kids NEED or food, that’s it. Then, he informed me that I needed to still try to contact the seller and see if there’s any way I can still return this blind. He told me that, if not, I would have a second punishment to deal with the following night. I knew what he was saying. I slept in his arms, like normal. Except, I didn’t sleep particularly well because I was so nervous they wouldn’t take the blinds back now and Adam would be upset all over again tomorrow. So, this morning, I sent Adam a very long text message explaining that I swear I’m not just trying to get into trouble, or to piss him off. I hate doing that. I just think I can get away with putting off some things and it bites me in the ass, again. And again. I explained how nervous I was to even try to see if they’d take them back because it was easier for me to not call and hear them say yes, than it was to think of calling and hearing them tell me no. And then know I was going to be in more trouble with him tonight. And then, I asked him if I could still have Biscuit (a friend of ours who details our vehicles for us) come do my car this week. I asked if that counted as money I can’t spend. He told me yes, that counts. He told me I could clean my car myself. Awhile later, he called. He said that if I contacted the seller, AND they’d still take them back and refund me, I could still have Biscuit come do my car. Otherwise, he’d better see me with a clean car in the driveway when he gets home. I was so excited when I finally got ahold of the sellers and they said I could still return them!! I text Adam and I asked him to pleeeeease print off the label I needed for the box at his work for me because our printer still isn’t even set up since our move. After a little back and forth texts, he text back that yes, he would print it for me. This is when I told him thank you and that I won’t ask Biscuit to do my car this week even.

I think I’ve dodged a bullet today. I’m pretty sure Adam isn’t going to feel the need to spank me or to ground me from anything else tonight now. I still haven’t asked if this means I can buy fun things again? I suppose that wouldn’t be a good idea, yet. I honestly respect Adam even more when he handles my shit this way sometimes. Sometimes I need him to punish me with a spanking. Sometimes, I need him to be more creative. I know danged well that if I hadn’t obeyed him with this more creative punishment, I’d have not sat down comfortably for several days. I didn’t want that. I fully intend to obey him in this. I’m so, so glad that things worked out this way today. I can breathe and the sinking feeling in my belly is all better now. I was especially afraid of the spanking he might give me if they wouldn’t have taken them back. Not that he’d hurt me in any extensive kind of way, just that I already had a lot of guilt and felt foolish. I was totally willing to accept these other things he has punished me with. Now I’m excited for him to come home and I can have a clear conscience tonight!

I am taking a break. Been up since 5:00am. I got kids up and off to school. Planned out this week’s supper menu and bought all the groceries I need to make them. I got breakfast dishes washed and threw a load of laundry in the washer. Made our bed. Got myself ready for the day. Fed the dogs. Swept all the hardwood floors and dusted the front room. Still need to vacuum, but I decided to sit for a minute and take a break. I’ve been searching for these frozen egg noodles I use to make chicken noodle soup and beef and noodles. Tried every store near us and nobody seems to ever have them. So, I looked online and found I can order a big ol case of them for like $63. I showed Adam yesterday and said I know it’s ridiculous, but I really want these so I can make those things again. We can put them in the deep freezer and I won’t have to worry about buying them again for awhile. This morning I text him and asked “Can I buy those frozen egg noodles?” He wrote right back, “Sure!” My hubby’s so good to me ❤️

Saturday morning, Jackie could not stop talking about the night before when Adam picked me up off the ground, lifted his knee in the air, threw me over it, and spanked me. He wasn’t even upset, really. Just sort of reminding me to watch my mouth with him. She has asked me so many questions, but not out of shock and horror, she’s intrigued. She’s seen him slap my butt. I’ve told her bits and pieces of situations and arguments. She mentioned how she was proud of Adam because she didn’t know he really did “wear the pants”. Until I opened up and really explained our relationship, she believed it was all a game. Like Adam was pretending to be in charge sometimes. She invited her guy friend over. We call him “Super Trooper” because he’s a cop. He really likes Jackie and he’s a nice guy. Maybe too nice, though? Adam and I watched her pushing and testing him all evening. My mouth dropped open in absolute shock at some of the things she was saying to him! I told Adam, I cannot even begin to imagine trying to talk to you like that! He told me exactly what I knew he’d do if I tried it. Jackie was so obviously just begging this guy to stand the fuck up to her. It’s an interesting thing to observe from the outside. He did slap her behind a few times and put her into one of those “cop holds” so she couldn’t move for a minute. She so clearly wanted to know if he would do anything. And if so, what?

This afternoon, we talked some more and I gave her the best analogy I could come up with to describe why I’m good with Adam taking charge and spanking me, even when I’m not enjoying it.

Let’s say Adam and I are walking down a sidewalk alongside a busy highway. We start to argue and we’re both getting pissed off. I decide to pull away from him and step off the curb into oncoming traffic. Adam has 3 options now. 1) He can do nothing. If I get hit by a car, that’s on me. 2) He could push me further into the street because he’s angry. 3) He could grab my arm and pull me right the heck off the damn street and back onto the sidewalk where it’s safe. Of these three options, which one makes you feel most loved and protected? Which would give you reason to seriously respect your man? Well, that’s how I look at it. No, it isn’t always fun. It isn’t always easy. We don’t always get it right.

My best friend is taking in all of this, and she’s never had good luck with men. She either dated someone who is abusive and cruel. Or she goes out with really nice guys who let her walk all over them. I would love for her to find what I have. It has blown her mind to learn that Adam isn’t just a pushover. He adores me and he wants to give me the world, but he will not let me walk all over him. Thank God. Because watching her speak to Super Trooper like that was torturous.

I have known my best friend, Jackie, for nearly 20 years. We were still kids when we became neighbors and we met as teenagers. We used to sneak away so we could hide somewhere and smoke cigarettes. We told each other everything. Still do. She has been with me through my marriage, my babies being born, losing my mom. She has always been my kids cool aunt. She hasn’t had much luck with relationships. Her childhood was riddled with trauma and abuse causing negative patterns that continued well into adulthood for her. She’s working on herself and I’m very proud of who she’s becoming recently. She finished the lease on her apartment and has moved into our house. We have a walk out apartment area in our basement and she is staying there hoping to save money for a house of her own. Adam doesn’t mind her staying here and I love having her around.

Last night, we set up corn hole (an outdoor game with bags you throw into a hole). We hadn’t done that in awhile because it’s been way too hot, but it was beautiful out last night. Jackie, a guy friend of hers, Adam, and I threw the bags and, as always, Jackie and I were kicking ass and taking names. This is the one game where I can beat Adam consistently. Not always, but most always. We had my little bose speaker playing music and a fridge full of beer in the garage. Everybody, except Adam, had a pretty good buzz going from the drinks. He enjoys sitting back and watching me get a “beer buzz” because I’m a silly, happy kind of drunk. I don’t get sloppy and wasted. Just loosened up and goofy. Somehow, the conversation went to a couple of weeks ago when I’d told Jackie that I hadn’t done several things Adam had warned me to get done. She laughed and told me to stomp on the floor real hard 3 times if I needed her to come busting into our room. It was just a joke. Then, the other night when Adam was away and her and I stayed up talking until nearly 4:00am, she asked me what ever happened with that. I told her the truth. Adam spanked me! She just giggled and said we were “so kinky”. She isn’t necessarily wrong. We are pretty great together in bed. That was that. Until last night. I was getting a little bit too “mouthy” toward Adam and I called him an asshole for what I perceived as cheating in our game of corn hole. He leaned over me and gave me a few hard swats on my behind and told me “Keep it up”. That’s a clear and obvious warning for me to not “keep it up”. Jackie says “Holy crap! Did that hurt??” I laughed and told her that was nothing! This lead to a whole explanation about why I’m ok with it, but yes, it does hurt. I think she had just then realized that Adam isn’t always just playing with me. Sometimes, he means it. And, he really is “the boss”. I told her some things I’ve already written here about how literally every other relationship I have with my family and friends, even strangers most times, I am the bossy one. I have naturally been the one who leads since I was a child. Adam is the one and only person who usurps my leadership role and I’m so grateful for it. I don’t think it occurred to Jackie that maybe I need somebody like me. I even mentioned Adam had been making me call him “sir” sometimes. It blew her mind that I can be made to do anything! I think I’ve been afraid to say too much about this stuff because I was afraid that I could lose the respect of “my people”. When I say my people, I mean my family and friends. The people who matter to me. I knew Jackie assumed it was just us being kinky, and I left it that way. For some reason, maybe the alcohol, I decided to let her hear the truth. It felt good to do that. I don’t have secrets from her. I could immediately see that it didn’t change the way she thinks of me, but it did change the way she thinks of Adam. She has a new level of respect for him now, too. Like, if he can tell me what to do, he must be one hell of a leader himself! I’m okay with that. I like for people to see what I do in my husband. To respect him. To understand what he is to me.

I’m a little tired today after staying up late and drinking. Adam went into work for awhile this morning. I think tonight is going to be a quiet night. Adam can grill some pork chops, I’ll make some pasta salad and my famous lemon and pepper green beans. We can sit on the deck and just hang out. ❤️

Adam and I have been having really good conversations the last few nights. It occurred to me that it might almost seem as if I’ve done or said things because I actually wanted Adam to spank me. Like it’s just a sexy, fun game we’re playing. Adam slaps my ass all the time. That is sexy and fun. I’m never out doing stupid shit because I want to make him angry, though. Teasing, playing around, yes. Being disrespectful and not following through with things, that’s never because I think a spanking would be fun. I got to thinking about it. Let’s say you’re not wearing your seatbelt, you speed through a work zone and nearly rear ended the car in front of you. You see the red and blue lights come on in your rear view mirror, and you have to pull over. Would any of us have been doing those things specifically because you wanted to get pulled over? Heck no! You’ve been reckless, and you’ve been caught now. Here are your options. You could get a speeding ticket, OR you can go to prison. If you had to pick, which one would most of us prefer? I know I’d take the speeding ticket. I don’t want one. Now my insurance rates will increase. I have hundreds of dollars I have to pay in fines. However, that’s most definitely the better alternative to being sent to prison.

Adam and I had one of those WW3 kind of fights last weekend. That’s “prison”, for me. 10 out of 10 times I would tell you I’d prefer the “speeding ticket”. Did I want him to spank me? No. I wanted to give him hell and to get away with it. At least, I did in the moment. Looking back, I so wish he’d have just spanked me for the way I acted and then I could’ve calmly explained my own upset in our situation. I’d have been remorseful for my part in it, he would no longer be angry or need to punish me, and I could then talk to him about the reasons I was feeling hurt and frustrated.

We don’t always handle ourselves well. These WW3 type fights are very rare. In these instances, I would most definitely prefer a “speeding ticket”. Hell, a “warning” has worked before! Adam and I have talked a lot about this over the last few days. I don’t give him serious reasons to want to spank me very often. Maybe I get mouthy every few weeks. I am a smart ass most of the time. I usually use my wit for good, but I can be disrespectful toward him with my attitude at times. I hadn’t neglected my “job” here at home for a very long time, until recently. I’ve been on track and haven’t let anything else slide so far. I’ve done very good with that lately. There are times, probably like once a year, if not longer in between, when I just go all in. I’m being a bitch, and I know it. I don’t care. I know I’m not handling myself the way I should be. I know I’m not helping the situation by continuing to poke and prod at Adam in an effort to get him as angry as I am. I want him to feel what I feel. To see what I’m seeing. Once I have sufficiently pissed him off, it’s game on. The truth is, I never want it to go that far. Inside, I am screaming for him to make this stop. To end this. To assure me that he is still in control and this isn’t going to happen again. I’ve talked to him about these things plenty. I’ve told myself that I won’t let it get like that next time. I remind myself how deeply I really do desire to show my husband respect. I still fail sometimes. The very best thing to have come out of this is the brutal and unwavering honesty that has followed. I tell Adam everything. I don’t have secrets from him. The biggest reason for my upset when we fight is that I feel he doesn’t care about the things I’ve opened up about during many previous conversations. He knows everything to do and say that will rip my heart out in the moment. But, I won’t give up. I refuse to. One day, we will successfully navigate even the biggest arguments so well that they’ll never be allowed to grow into tremendous fights that hurt us both. I love that we have spent every evening this week talking. We’ve talked about all of these things. My confidence has been restored. I believe in my husband. I have faith in us. I am not going to go forward and try to screw up because I prefer it when Adam is proud of me. Inevitably, I will do something or say something stupid again, and I really do have complete confidence in my husband’s ability to handle it well, like he does most always.

I wrote awhile ago about when Adam had required me to answer him with “yes sir” during a somewhat stern discussion he was having with me about my failure to get some important things done. I wrote about how those two little words created this obvious energy between us. He is in charge right now. He means it. I need to acknowledge to him that I understand that. It’s incredibly sexy. It reassures me that he’s got me and I know he is going to hold me accountable so I need to do what I’m told right now. It isn’t about being a bully. It’s about him looking out for my best interests. For our well being.

Sex also has this effect on me. Adam is in charge. He controls how, when, where he is going to pleasure himself and me. I always know that I can ask him to change position, to go slower or harder. Often, he knows what I want without a word having been spoken, and he’s happy to oblige me. It isn’t as if I don’t have any power or say in what we are doing. Ultimately though, he is the deciding factor. Even when I’m on top of him, he will grab my hips and move me himself. In bed, Adam is the boss. He’s got the final say. He deeply desires to please me. He won’t do anything to harm me. I fully trust him.

I believe that when Adam spanks me it is a very similar experience for both of us. He is much bigger and stronger than I am. Without exhausting much energy at all, he can bend me over, pull down my panties, and bring his hand (or a spoon, hairbrush, belt, whatever) down on my behind. He doesn’t have to stop until he is satisfied. Again, there is an unspoken energy happening between us that brings me back down to earth. I have no choice but to recognize that I am absolutely not in charge right now. And it’s sexy as hell to me. Even when he is upset with me, so long as he has himself under control, I feel safe. I would always much prefer this over seeing my husband lose his shit and handle me without care. As long as I know that he is saying or doing something in love, I accept it. I appreciate it. I admire him for it. I respect him.

In nearly all other areas of my life, I am in charge. I run the house. I take care of our kids, our pets. I am the “strong one” in my family most always. So many people who matter to me count on me to be the one with a clear, calm, level head. Adam is the only person who I don’t have to always be those things with. I can lean into him and count on him to be looking out for me. I crave the security that comes from having him hold me accountable. Watch out for me. Protect me. These times when he and I are showing each other that we understand our places in this moment, he is leading, I am following. They make this all real. We aren’t just playing out a fantasy. This isn’t pretend. I do have so much power in our relationship. I understand how much Adam does simply because his goal is always for me to be healthy and happy. Things he doesn’t want to do, but he does for me. If I need something, he will provide it. If I want something, he wants to give it to me. If I am wrong, he calls me on it. He is the head. I am the neck. I truly wouldn’t ever wish it to be any other way.

I write here about my real life. I talk about real feelings and emotions, the good and the bad. I just word vomit all of it out on here because it’s been good for me. All of this to say, I really don’t have much to say today. Last night was a great night. Adam and I sat out on our deck and talked. We teased and laughed. He grabbed my ass and gave me a squeeze a couple times through the evening. We stayed up a little later than usual, but he wanted to. I think it was helpful to both of us being able to hang out alone together. We made love again when we went to bed. After, I laid on his chest and I said I was sorry for hanging up on him and ignoring him. He told me that meant a lot to him having me say that. He held me in his arms all through the night.

I had a lot of errands to run today. My kids first full day back to school is this coming Thursday, so plenty of things to do getting ready for that. We had no more than walked into the door when a storm popped up out of nowhere so it’s pouring rain and thundering out now. I’m in a pretty good mood. Just there isn’t a whole heck of a lot to talk about yet. I’m very glad to have my husband home now and to have our recent troubles behind us. I can’t wait for it to be the weekend so we can spend some more time together than only the few hours we get between when he gets home from work and bedtime. ❤️

Saturday morning, Adam was supposed to be heading home at 9:00am. I made supper plans expecting him to be home. They decided to go have breakfast and ended up not leaving until 11:15am. I was not happy. It genuinely felt like he wasn’t in any hurry to come home. Meanwhile, I’ve been over here counting down the days, hours, and minutes til his return. So, I hung up on him when he called and didn’t reply to his texts until hours later. He had text me asking “are you excited because I’m ready to be home”. A couple hours later I replied with “take highway 41 off 24 to go around the construction”. They’re doing road construction right at the Kentucky Tennessee border, so I knew it would shave off time. However, I also knew that he wouldn’t appreciate that being my only response. He almost instantly text back “well that answers that”. There were no more phone calls or texts until he got home. I stood in the kitchen and didn’t come to the door to greet him. All week, I had pictured jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist to give him the biggest hug and kiss. Unfortunately, that wasn’t how it played out. He came into the kitchen and tried to give me a kiss, but I turned and just gave him my cheek. It was nearly 10:00pm, so kids gave him some love and then it was time for bed. As soon as Adam and I climbed into bed…all hell broke loose. He said some things. I said some things. I wound up crying myself to sleep at 1:00am. Woke up at 5:00am with a headache from hell. We barely spoke to each other most of Sunday. Polite enough to not arouse suspicion with the kids, although I’m certain they heard our raised voices Saturday night. Finally, last night, while I was fixing supper, he came up behind me and spun me around and kissed my lips for the first time in over a week. I let him this time. He had really hurt my feelings, but I also can’t stand it when we’re fighting. I was feeling more alone since he’d gotten home than I had that entire week he was away. We didn’t talk about it all until bedtime. We sat in bed and both apologized for stupid shit we’d said. More tears that I couldn’t stop from forming began to fall down my face. He hates when I cry. I hate when I cry! I feel weak and pathetic. I honestly don’t cry very often at all. Once we had talked it out, I laid in his arms and kept my head on his chest. He asked me if a spanking would help. I said “No, not tonight please. I need you to love me right now.” He gently kissed me and rolled over on top of me. He made love to me in that typically boring, slow, soft, missionary position way and it was exactly what I needed.

I know that very soon, I will be getting spanked for ignoring him, twice. It just wasn’t the right time last night. I sometimes think what about him? I don’t get to spank his ass when he screws up. I realize, though, that he does get punished. He has the responsibility to fix it. He has the weight of his failure. He lost my respect and a piece of my heart, even if temporarily. That kills him. He has to work to regain my full trust. I told him what that does to me. Having this assurance that he would never be hateful toward me, even in anger. His words cut me like a knife. It takes time for me to truly trust that he will not do this again the next time he’s upset with me. It makes it so much harder to come to him and confess anything. I put up a wall. I don’t mean to, it isn’t what I want, but I worry that I can’t trust him to protect me when he’s the one who has caused me this kind of hurt. It isn’t like I didn’t say or do anything that wasn’t nice. I definitely did. I suppose it isn’t fair then, but that’s my point. These things are his punishment, even if it isn’t necessarily meant to be. I don’t distance myself emotionally because it’s what I want. I’m protecting myself.

Today is a brand new day. He went to work this morning. I got my kiss before he left. The knots in my stomach are nearly all gone. The hurt has lessened significantly. We will get back to us very soon. Maybe a spanking would help now?

I really can’t write much yet. To be honest, we have a lot going on today. It’s going to be busy here. I have so much to say, but it’s just not finished yet. I can’t talk about the hard stuff until I’m through it. Adam made it home late last night and I am glad for that. We were both exhausted and drained and a healthy conversation couldn’t possibly come out of that. When it’s settled, over, done, I will be able to put words down here. I know I’m probably being too sensitive. I let too much bottle up and wanted to throw it at him as soon as he got home. Not the best choice. I’m not good at pretending I’m fine when I’m not, though. Part of me is already so looking forward to tonight, when the kids are in bed and we can finally get whatever needs to be said and done over with. Part of me dreads tonight because I don’t want it to look like last night. Neither of us did a good job being husband and wife. I woke up with a splitting headache and my stomach is in knots. We have my family coming by this afternoon. We’re helping my sister get moved into her new place. The kids want to see their dad. My husband is home, but I still miss him like crazy. I hate this feeling more than anything.

I’m not going to suggest that I always give Adam an enthusiastic “yes sir”. I rarely call him “sir” if I’m being honest. It’s a skill you learn well living down where we do. Our kids know when their Mama hollers for them, “yes ma’am” is the correct response. They don’t necessarily use that phrase in every conversation between us, though. There are times when it is called for. Adam has only recently began to demand it from me during said times it might be called for. As I have mentioned before, I can be stubborn. If I’m in a cooperative mood, I might freely give him the expected “yes sir”. Other times, I attempt to refuse. The phrase “Do you understand?” Is a great example. It might take a few more smacks on my butt to even get the “yes” out of me, let alone a “yes sir”. I find it incredibly sexy when he holds me to it. Even if I might be feeling stubborn and refusing (at first) to say it. Expecting, even demanding a “yes sir” is one of the ways Adam establishes his authority in those moments. Whether I want to admit it or not, he is in charge right now and I need to let him know I recognize that. “Yes sir” is a simple, yet powerful way to do this. I think the most attractive thing Adam can do is to put me in my place when I need it. The truth is, I don’t want to be in charge of him. If I’m doubting his ability to lead well, things as small as requiring me to address him as an authority lets me know that he has, in fact, still got this.

I actually have some pretty good ideas sometimes. And I’m right about things from time to time too! I don’t want him to belittle or ignore my opinions. I just love when he absolutely requires me to share them with a respectful attitude rather than one of “authority”. I can convince him of damn near anything if I do it sweetly, respectfully. Being a rude or bitchy wife shouldn’t get me anywhere, and I recognize this when I’m calm. Reasonable, sane me understands how important all this is to me. Unreasonable me, the one filled with rage and adrenaline me, struggles. I might still believe I am right with my idea or my opinion, but I don’t believe I should “win” any arguments by belittling, insulting, or disrespecting Adam. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of crap where I need him to take charge and “put me back”. Remind me that he’s my husband, I’m his wife. He isn’t talking to me like I am to him. He isn’t belittling me in front of anyone. I shouldn’t be doing that either.

Well, I did respond to Adam’s texts yesterday afternoon. I just text him “Oh sorry, got busy and forgot about you”. He apologized about a dozen different ways and has been much better at communicating since! Things are much better today. I’m so ready for him to be home tomorrow. I realize I am probably going to pay for ignoring him, but it seemed worth it at the time.

My aunt has battled cancer for the last 2 and a half years and she passed away today. I’m feeling a little down so it’s hard to write. I have something I’ve been working on so I’ll try to finish it and post tomorrow.

Yesterday evening, Adam called for a whole 20 seconds to let me know he was done early and he and some of the guys were playing pool. I didn’t mind that at all. He told me “I promise I’ll call you at bedtime to say goodnight.” Clearly, he did not wind up following through on that. I have not answered about a half dozen phone calls from him or replied to messages yet. I fully intend to respond in awhile with “Oh, I’m sorry. I got real busy and forgot about you!” Am I mad?? Nooo why would I be upset 🙄

So anyway, this is my day, so far.

It’s happened before and it’ll almost certainly happen again. Adam has done something or said something that sets me off. Or maybe, not done something or not said something when I felt he should’ve. Typically, in situations where this results in a big argument, I’ve built myself up to that point of no return. My anger button’s been activated and there’s no turning it off for myself now. I’m not going to suggest that Adam has always handled this well. There have been times where he’s decided to “climb in the ring and box with me”, rather than just remove me from the damn boxing ring and refuse to let it go there. He has said things intended to hurt me, and he accomplishes that goal easily. However, it’s the furthest thing from de-escalating a situation that he could possibly have done. Naturally, I throw something nasty or disrespectful right back at him and we proceed to trade “punches” back and forth. As I’ve made clear, I can be incredibly sassy. I can argue like a lawyer in a Supreme Court case. By the time things have begun to simmer down, none of our words can be taken back. The hurt we’ve caused each other is irreversible. You never forget things said out of anger, even if you understand they were said in anger. Often, Adam will bring up things I’ve done or said days to weeks ago when we’re arguing. Usually, these are things even I suspected would’ve upset him at the time, but he said nothing then, so why now?? Why didn’t he do something before we got to this point? I’m left with a deep sense of disappointment both in Adam and in myself. I’ve failed to give my husband respect. He’s failed to demand it from me. I’m left lying in bed, alone, crying tears that won’t stop. I don’t have my one and only person in this world who can put his arms around me and fix this. My thoughts run wild. “Will he come back to me?” “He could’ve ended this before it was allowed to begin, but he didn’t.” “Why didn’t he just take control of the situation before we got here?” “It’s because he doesn’t care enough.” This is not our normal, but it has happened. It can take weeks, even months before I’m back to a point where I fully trust and respect my husband as the head of our home. As a leader.

In situations like this, the relief that could’ve come from him simply using his authority to tell me “enough”. And if that doesn’t work, to take me somewhere alone and show me he means it. When I’m angry, especially when he gets angry, I have this panic inside me start to bubble up. I’ve lost control, he’s lost control, and we’re never going to be good again. By forcing an end to this and requiring a calm discussion to be the only thing going further, he is reassuring me that he loves me way too much to actually let me hurt myself, him, or us. There is nothing I can do or say to push him away. The relief, the security, and the intense assurances of his love can leave such a positive impact. Rather than anger, fear, and hurt remaining after this has ended, there is a sense of resolve. It’s over. No more needs to be said. I can come away with a reminder that Adam is in charge. Whether or not I appreciate these things in the heat of the moment, it means the world to me when calmer heads have prevailed. I’m not ever thinking “Why doesn’t he just spank me til I’m sorry?” in the heat of the moment. In fact, I’m almost always doing my best to race, climb, claw my way to the “top” of this mountain so I can declare victory for myself. I’m convinced that to just get up there would be a win for me and he will grovel at my feet and accept defeat. Forgetting, ignoring the fact that, even if I do get a “win”, it’s never a win. We both lose. I should always be cheering for my husband. He should always be rooting for me. We’re on the same team! The things coming out of our mouths, the actions we take, should always be in a valiant effort to bring each other UP, not down. I am fully willing to accept Adam doing what he needs to do to prevent this from happening. In fact, I love him so much more for it. I can come away with a genuine respect and admiration for how well my husband loves and leads. This is why I write this blog. Not because I want to convince anyone that our way is the only way to live happily. Because I believe in the possibilities. I want others to see both how great things can be, and to share our struggles as well. Are we perfect, heck no! I believe with all my being that we are pretty freakin’ great together, though.

I was texting Adam last night and it was nearly 9:00pm and he was still working. Thought maybe I’d get something started. Plant the seed anyway. Unfortunately, by the time he was back to his room and able to call me, it was after 11:00pm and he was exhausted. So, I didn’t get where I was hoping to go.

I was up way too late. Found myself standing in the kitchen with a bowl of fruit loops at about 1:00am. I watched Bill Burr’s latest stand up comedy on Netflix and got some laughs. When I finally went to bed, I sent Adam one last message just to say one more goodnight, I love you. He surprised me by responding goodnight baby, why are you still up?? Apparently, he wasn’t sleeping well either. Woke up this morning to a text from Adam sent hours before I was awake good morning beautiful. I hope you got some sleep. I’m counting down the days! I’m never staying home while he’s gone for this long ever again. The kids and I could’ve gone, but my brother and his wife are here visiting for the first time in 2 years. He’s stationed in California, and away a lot, so we don’t get to see him often.

I’ve been working on a couple of other blog posts I’ll share soon. It’s harder to write with Adam away. Sort of using this like a journal or a diary this week! I’ll try to post something more relevant and interesting tomorrow 🙂

Adam calls me honey (although he always writes it “hunny”), sweetie, boo, baby, and occasionally, woman. That last one is a signal he’s annoyed or frustrated with me! Boo is the most common one, followed by Hunny. There’s something about Baby that I’ve noticed. He mostly calls me that when he’s comforting me. Maybe that’s why it means so much when he refers to me as Baby? That one always hits me different. Boo is the way he addresses me out loud. Hunny is most texts, with an occasional Sweetie thrown in. Baby is deeper. It’s what he calls me when he’s doing his best to make me feel safe, loved, and know he hears me and he’s here for me. He’s not annoyed. He’s not asking me for anything. He isn’t simply chatting about the weather. No, when he calls me Baby, he’s pulling me into his arms and holding me tight, whether he’s physically present or not. I miss him like crazy, but every text with Baby in it makes my heart happy.

It’s been years now, but sometimes, when he was away, we would send each other naughty texts. I’m considering it. Maybe I’ll tell him everything I’m going to do when he’s back and talk about all the things I want him to do to me. Maybe I’ll step it up a notch and just try phone sex? He’s much better at that stuff than I am, but it’s worth a shot!

Have I adequately described who my husband is on here? He’s easy on the eyes, of course I may be biased, but plenty of evidence has shown I’m not alone in my thinking. There’s always a girl when we’re out who’s trying to get too close to my man. I’m not the jealous type. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home with me. He never hides the fact that he’s happily married, either. He’s got great hair, although it’s thinned in the back the last few years and he’s self conscious about it. He has a beard and I love it. He has perfect teeth. A sexy voice. He is a big sports guy, particularly football. He was a local hometown football hero in high school and went on to play college football. He’s super outgoing and friendly. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like him. Although, it’s always crazy to see or hear him at work because he’s kind of a hard ass there. One of his old co workers dated my best friend for awhile and he questioned her “Adam is kind of mean! Is he like that at home with her??” Of course her answer was “NOO. He’s wrapped around her finger.” He’s never raised his voice to me, ever. He gets upset, angry even sometimes, but never mean and always calm. He is a man of his word, and everyone who knows him knows that. He’s about 6’1”, so nearly an entire foot taller than me. He’s strong and stays in shape. I’ve only seen him lose an arm wrestling match once, and he’s always being challenged. We once did one of those “punch measuring” machines where you punch the bag and it measures how hard you hit it. He won, but I actually beat out a couple of the guys…gotta brag on me for a minute here quick, too 😉

Adam works harder than anyone I’ve known. He knew from the start that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he’s always made that possible for me. He doesn’t like to sit still very often. Our favorite TV show was “Sons of Anarchy” and he would sit and watch that every week with me. Our daughter was born on the premier of one of the seasons and we watched from the hospital that night! He enjoys a beer or two, but doesn’t get drunk. I’ve never seen him hit anyone before. A couple of times, he’s made it known he would if an idiot didn’t knock it off, but it’s never come to that. He’s never out looking for a fight with anyone. He absolutely loves his GMC Duramax pickup truck. He’s bought me every vehicle I’ve wanted. He didn’t even see our new home until we came to sign papers and get the keys. My best friend and I came to look at some houses and this one was “it”. He asked me “Is it your dream house? Is it what you want?” When I said yes, that was all he needed. He told them go ahead with the offer on it. He has loved me through some very rough shit. Some of it I put him through with my own stupidity. Some of it was just life. His college roommate committed suicide in his room and that’s haunted him to this day wondering, why didn’t I see any signs? His dad passed away of cancer the day before our wedding. His best friend passed away from cancer at 26 years old, just months after his dad. His mom is amazing. I love her so much! He has brothers. One has a small business and the other is a pilot for a regional airline. He is a great big softie when it comes to babies and baby animals, just like me. We are considering fostering children soon. We have the space and the love, so we have talked a lot about it recently.

Adam is a little more involved in the political world than I prefer to be. He’s not hateful or in any way racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. but he’s more “conservative” than I consider myself. He quit using tobacco just about 2 months ago and I’m soooo proud of him for it! He loves my cooking. I pack him lunch and snacks for work everyday, too. The guy can eat! I don’t know how he puts down so much food and stays looking like he does.

Adam is away for work this week. The first time he’s ever been gone for an entire week. I miss him like crazy. He left yesterday morning and I sent him a text about 5 minutes after he pulled away saying “I changed my mind. I don’t think you should go.” I was obviously kidding. I can’t make him stay, as much as I’d have loved to. He doesn’t want to be away anymore than I want him to be. The kids and I are eating lots of macaroni and cheese, homemade pizza, and ice cream sundaes this week since it’s just us. My son has to be the little “man of the house” while his daddy’s away so he’s responsible for cutting the grass and making sure trash gets put out on the curb for trash day. He’s so sweet, loves to take care of his mama and sister. Adam is teaching him well 🙂

Adam left this morning. It’s way too quiet.

Reading my story and my thoughts here, I wonder what you picture? A buttoned up, uber conservative, straight laced, “Olivia Walton” type? For the record, The Waltons is one of my favorite TV shows. I am certainly no Olivia, though. I’m an adrenaline junkie. I love driving fast cars, water sports, riding horses, riding on the back of a motorcycle, cliff diving, rip cord jumping. I own several guns, and I’m a real good shot. I have tattoos. One on the inside of my arm between my wrist and elbow that my brother and sister got matching. One just above my hip for Adam (pictured above), and one on my back for my kids. In what seems like a whole lifetime ago, I was an addict. My biggest insecurity is my boobs. Babies and breastfeeding has left me where I’m looking to have them fixed. I have a 144 IQ, but was always complimented for my looks, never my intelligence. “Music City” is my home, where country music reigns. I do enjoy me some good country hits, but I also have lots of rap, hip hop, hard rock, and classic rock on my playlists. The most relaxing thing I can do is to get in my car, turn up a good song on my kick ass car stereo and drive around the city. My favorite artists are local independent ones. We actually live minutes from a couple of great artists. Jelly Roll has been my current favorite on my playlist, although Upchurch “How Can You Blame Us” is a great representation of Nashvillians. We’re good friends with a few local singer/songwriters and we all get together and sit outside in a circle while a bunch of us play guitar and sing songs. I don’t curse everyday, but I do occasionally throw an appropriate fuck, shit, damn or hell into a sentence. I’m a bit of a neat freak. I like things to be in their place. I can be a procrastinator, as I’ve written about here. I am very sassy. Not in a rude way, mostly, but more of a silly, funny sassy. I will always fiercely defend my family and friends. I’ve lost my shit on 2 people in my life. One sorry excuse for a man who beat the hell out of my best friend. I’m 5’2” and about 95 pounds, but he ran his mouth as we were about to pull away after I’d come to get her out of there. I didn’t even put my car in park. I jumped over my best friend sitting in the passenger seat and out the car window and proceeded to punch him and slap him repeatedly. In retrospect, I suppose what saved me from retaliation was the fact that he knew who my husband was and what he’d do to him if he hurt me. The other time was a sorry excuse for a woman who was inebriated and angry and picked up a shoe and threw it right at my then 3 year old daughter. Yep, Adam had to tear me off that crazy bitch. I don’t like to fight, and it takes a LOT to get me that angry, but I ain’t afraid to scrap. My mom is not in our lives. I wrote a little on here about her and I said she passed away, or we “lost her”. We did lose her, but she didn’t die. She is an addict and it got so bad that we had to step away for ours and our children’s safety. She did a lot of cruel and unbelievable things to me, and I’m not healed enough to talk much about it yet. My dad is the best human on this earth. I am so blessed to have him and so are my kids. My dad is also semi famous. Locally, very well known, but also many folks around the world know who he is. I’m a Christian, but I am not religious. One of my closest friends is a lesbian. My sister has dated both men and women. The God I pray to would not condemn them to hell because of who they love. I’m not that kind of Christian. I certainly don’t believe that every marriage should look like mine does, either. I’ll never judge anyone for living out their relationships the way they’re meant to. Politically, I suppose I’m somewhere in the middle, libertarian leaning area. I love my country and have several family members currently serving in our armed forces. I don’t want war. I love my 2A rights, but I hate the violence. I was raped by a cop in my early 20s who ultimately only got demoted for it. Despite this, I don’t hate all cops. I want us to do a better job of holding bad ones accountable. I don’t appreciate having to pay $5 a gallon for gas, but I don’t want to support evil leaders who torment their own people just so that we can get some of their oil for cheap. Where does this put me? Who knows? I guess I’m kind of a “don’t tread on me” kinda gal. I’m not uninformed, I’m just aware that I don’t have all the answers. I’m a pretty good cook. I enjoy coming up with new recipes and feeding my family home cooked meals every night. I don’t love baking so much, though. Summer is my favorite season, by far. Gerber daisies, particularly the orange ones, are my favorite flowers. I’m a dog person, but I don’t dislike cats. I especially have a soft spot for pit bulls. Our youngest dog is a pit/lab mix. We have 2 dogs and one cat. Even our cat is trained to do high fives, “beg”, sit, lay down, and wave. My daughter had 2 pet “dumbo” rats. One of them passed away last month. They’re over 2 years old, so in rat years, old men. I don’t like to kill anything, even flies. I feel guilty if I have to do it. I am a fan of most insects and not afraid to let them crawl on me. Large spiders and snakes are my only nemesis. I’m a beer drinking kinda girl. I’ve never much cared for wine or any of the sweet stuff. I like to think I’m a pretty good Mama. Our kids are easy, well behaved kids. And clearly, I am absolutely, madly in love with my husband.

A lot of people will scream when they’re startled, or especially scared. You get up in the middle of the night, round the corner, and bump into someone who shouldn’t be there. Many people would scream in that instance. Me? I freeze. I always go mute when I’m startled by something unexpected. This is also something I do when a spanking is starting to really hurt. I yelp and give an “owwwwie” to playful swats and even the first of the not so playful ones. Once it starts to be actually painful, I rarely make any sound. I wonder if that’s weird? Adam knows me very well, and he definitely knows this about me, so I’m sure it has helped to guide him in how effective he’s being during discipline. He was in a much better mood last night, although I was already feeling a little sad knowing he’s going to be leaving soon. Not grouchy, just more quiet than usual I suppose. At bedtime, after our typical routine, I was just rounding my side of the bed, about to get into bed, when Adam came up behind me. He told me he wanted to get a little use out of the belt he’d left laying on the floor all week. He spun me around to face him and I instinctively threw my arms around his neck. He started to spank me with the belt and I did my yelping after the first few swats with it. He was smiling and I was giggling too. Then, he gave me one good one and I immediately stopped making noise and grabbed him even tighter. That was his clear signal that that one had hurt. He laid me down on the bed and used his belt to tie my hands above my head so he could explore me with his hands and eyes. We made love and I spent the night tucked into his arms. I’m as sexual a being as my husband is. I don’t know how I’m going to make it a whole week without feeling him on top of me, inside of me. I fully intend to make the most out of our last night together before he leaves. I love to feel the places he’s been on and in my body ache the next day just enough to remind me that Adam was here.

Adam is going to be out of town for work soon. He has to leave this Saturday and won’t be back home until the following weekend. We’ve never had to be separated for that long. A couple of days here and there, but even then, I miss him like crazy! I imagine this next week will feel like an eternity.

Adam had a rough day yesterday, so I was very glad that I had done all the things I’d agreed to. I didn’t add any fuel to his fire. He has always been so good at coming home and not bringing his troubles with him. Even so, I could feel his frustrations. My vacuum cleaner had gotten clogged with something while I was cleaning, so he worked on that. A napkin was the culprit. I’d been using the hose behind and around furniture and it appeared someone had dropped a napkin where it didn’t belong. I’d prepared a very southern meal for us. Smothered pork chops, green bean casserole, and macaroni and cheese. Despite my cooking, miraculously, no one in our home is overweight 😆 So, I spent the rest of the evening quietly cleaning the kitchen and giving Adam some space to relax and recover from a long day that hadn’t gone so good.

By the time we went to bed, Adam had shaken his bad mood. I felt a little sad that he was leaving in just a few days and we’d had a whole evening with very little conversation or silliness. I’m hoping that tonight we can get “back to” us again.

I finished writing this one today, and since I’m bored, I thought I’ll go ahead and post another for y’all. It’s a rainy, dreary day here so I’ve been writing and finishing some blog posts 🙂

I was contemplating about the differences between respect and fear. While both have the potential to change someone’s behaviors, the motivation is so very different. When you fear someone, you are acting out of genuine, anxiety riddled, fear at the thought of what they might do. Likely, because they’ve done it before. Maybe you fear a dog who has bitten more than once. People fear an abusive spouse, parent, etc. They stay within the boundaries their tyrant has set for them because they know that stepping outside those lines equals terror inducing “punishment”. Days are spent walking on eggshells, fearing what their tyrant is going to say or do next.

Respect is much different. When you respect someone, you are acknowledging that they are worthy and deserving of your respect. They have shown you time and again they’re worthy and have earned your willingness to listen, share, open yourself up to them. In the case of a husband and wife, a wife respects her husband because he has shown himself to be a dependable provider and protector. She submits to him, not out of fear, but out of genuine respect. Yes, there are boundaries, but your protector is there to keep you safe. He might correct you, or “discipline”, but the motivation is key. Being chastised in love is very different from being beaten up mentally, physically, or emotionally by a hateful tyrant. Adam honors me as his wife and as the mother of his children everyday when he puts our needs first. The very best way to show my appreciation is to be respectful toward him.

When I have to confess something to Adam, I sometimes use the word “afraid”. I might tell him “I was afraid to tell you this…”. The truth is, I do not in any way fear him. He has never shown himself to be a bully or tyrant. He isn’t unreasonable or unkind, even when I’ve really screwed up. I know that the things he does, whether I enjoy it or not, are always because he is working to guide, love, and protect me.

It’s such a blessing to find someone who always has your very best interests at heart. Someone you fear, is someone who is selfish. Someone you respect, is someone who is giving and often selfless.

First, I’m happy to report that I’ve been checking all the “to do’s” off my list this week. 🙂

I was thinking this morning about some times when I’ve spoken to Adam in a horribly disrespectful way, especially in front of other people. It’s such a mystery to even me, but there are moments when I’m saying things and I recognize they’re not appropriate or respectful, but I simply cannot, or will not, stop myself. I never think of it as a “test” for Adam or anything like that. I literally am not sorry for the things coming out of my mouth in the moment. I might be angry, or I might be attempting to convince Adam exactly why I’m right and he’s wrong and in my head I’m saying “He is so stupid sometimes. How can he not know how right I am? He knows I’m right. He is picking a fight. It’s his fault. Im not overreacting one bit.” It can literally be days before I might look back and acknowledge just how irrational and reactionary I had been in that moment. It is almost always the dumbest crap, too! Arguing over how many miles it is to somewhere. Seriously, that was one of the things I refused to back down on once in a conversation with some friends. Adam said it was X miles to somewhere and I insisted he was wrong, it’s only Y miles. It mattered absolutely zero who was right. I couldn’t just let it go, though. I look back and recognize how I belittled and disrespected my husband acting like I did. I know I was wrong to do that. And I wonder, why? Why do I still have days or moments when I absolutely cannot stop myself from being an insufferable bitch? As deeply as I desire to respect, obey, submit to Adam…I fail. I truly can’t say that I have a tight grasp on the why of it all. I think maybe I am subconsciously “testing” him? Maybe I’m just a bitch sometimes? Maybe I feel a strong desire for Adam to stand up to me, stand up for himself, to demand more respect, and to let me know that he is still in charge? Maybe deep down I want reassurance that he can and will take me away, bend me over, and spank me like the child I’m behaving like? Maybe I’m more afraid he won’t do anything? Maybe I’m wondering if he even wants to bother with me? Does he figure I’m worth it? Maybe I am alone in my desires for a husband who wishes to be the leader in his family and he’s given up? Maybe I’m too much? As I already said here, I can’t exactly say why I get those occasional moments when I have very little, if any, self restraint. I do know that the very worst thing my husband could do is to do nothing. That I’m certain of. There is something so primal and so sexy about knowing your man loves you enough to keep you inside the lines y’all have drawn together. Maybe I don’t see it at the time, but I really am just feeling out of control and desperately need for him to set me right again. I have my own insecurities like all humans do. I suspect I’m not alone here. It isn’t something talked about often, but it’s real life, at least for me it is. I sing Adam’s praises here, and he seriously is fucking amazing. But, I am definitely guilty of forgetting that every once in awhile and I wind up convincing myself again of all the reasons I can think of as to why he is not going to do a thing if I act out on my bitchy mood, because, he doesn’t really care that much anymore anyway.

I know many many men and women use what is called “maintenance” spankings and also practice “warning” spankings. Maintenance is to remind us who is in charge and what will happen if we forget that. Adam has never really done that. He slaps my behind many times daily, playfully. Sometimes it stings a little, but certainly not on the same level as when I’m actually getting a deserved spanking. He’s also never done anything like a reminder or warning spanking. I believe this is to be done before a situation where you’ve been known to slip up occurs. A warning or a reminder to behave. All of this to say, it appears he’s taken on the latter one of these types now, 13 years into our marriage.

To start at the beginning, I did call the pest control company as I said I would do. Unfortunately, I was told the lady who handles the billing was on vacation and wouldn’t be back until the following day. The man I spoke with asked me to call back tomorrow and ask for Jenny. “Ok, great.” I thought, “Now I have to tell Adam this issue was not, in fact, resolved.” I knew that I could explain and that Adam would trust what I said. I wanted to back up what I said as well, though. So, I sent him a screenshot of the phone call I’d made and texted the situation to him. He was proud of me for making the call, but reminded me to make sure to call again the next day since we didn’t get our issue corrected with them. I assured him that I would call back the following day. All was well.

We had a nice evening. It rained and thundered for a solid hour while we ate supper and we all enjoyed the sounds because it had been a very long time since we’d heard or seen a good rain here. It was a quiet, relaxing evening with no lectures or looks from Adam. When it was time for bed, we both do our bedtime routine. Adam brushes his teeth while I unmake the bed and set aside the throw pillows. Then I brush my teeth, put lotion on, chapstick, and usually throw on one of his t shirts from his dresser to wear as a nightgown to bed. By this time, Adam is almost always waiting for me in bed. So, I climb into bed and snuggle into his waiting arms. He asked me what all was on my agenda for tomorrow. I told him about an appointment for our daughter at a doctor nearly an hour from us that I need to take her to as well as making the repeat phone call to our darned pest control company. He reminded me that I will need to go and get our car tags renewed on Wednesday. I had this pit in my stomach. I’m not afraid to be honest with Adam. It’s very cathartic to know I can share any and everything with him and get it all out so I don’t have to carry the weight of anything by myself. So, I told him the truth. “I’m real nervous that I won’t get it done on Wednesday. I want to do it. I want to make you proud. I’m just not sure how motivated I’m going to be on Wednesday to have to go through all of that after having to drive to [our daughter’s] appointment tomorrow.” Adam was quiet for a second, contemplating. His hand continued to softly caress my arm like he’d been doing this whole time. Finally, he speaks. He says that he thinks he knows how to motivate me. He sits up in bed and pulls me over his lap, lifts the t shirt I’m wearing and pulls my panties down, and spanks me with his hand. It wasn’t as hard or as long as the last time he’d spanked me, but it stung. When it was over, he pulled me back down to lay in his arms. He pointed to his belt, still lying on the floor from the weekend, and said that tomorrow he would motivate me with that if he needed to. Then, he took my hand and placed it over the left side of his bare chest. He asked me “Do you feel that? This is yours. You have all of my heart and I will never hurt you. Maybe your behind sometimes, but I will never do anything to hurt you. I love you.”

I understand that I’ve been neglecting a lot of things I needed to do, and he is only helping me to get back on track. I realize that everything he does, everything he says, is because he is loving, protecting, and providing for me to the very best of his abilities. I respect it. I accept it. I am grateful.

Well, today is Monday. Adam asked me last night to tell him again what I was going to get done today. I told him I would call the pest control company. He asked me, “what else?” I knew he meant the car tags, so I gave a long dramatic “ughhhhh”. I argued (sweetly, because I can be very persuasive when I want to be) that Mondays are the worst days to go to places like the DMV. Those are their busiest days. He thought about it and told me he would give me til Wednesday to get the tags renewed. So now, I’ve technically got until he gets home from work on Wednesday to make that trip. However, he has left the belt he brought out on Friday night right there on the floor on my side of our bed and told me to leave it there because it would be a good reminder to make sure I get these things done. Every morning when I get out of bed, when I make our bed, and when we go to bed, it’s right there. I haven’t called our pest control company just yet, but it’s still morning here, so I have some time to knock that off my list. I truly don’t ignore my duties in our home just for the hell of it. I don’t do it to push Adam’s buttons. I don’t do it to be a stubborn and unreliable wife. I occasionally go through periods of time when I find it incredibly hard to make myself do chores that involve dealing with strangers. I can’t quite explain it. I’m normally very outgoing and social. There are just times when I find it nearly impossible. I also understand that Adam doesn’t get up early every morning excited for another long day at work. He doesn’t feel like doing all of the things he has to get done, either. So I know that my actions seem childish and irresponsible. I am fully intending to make this phone call today. It may be this afternoon, but I want to get it done because I do not want to feel that belt on my behind tonight. I want to make Adam proud and have a quiet, relaxing evening with him tonight. Disappointing him is just about the worst feeling in the entire world for me. Tomorrow, I will report back and fully intend to write about how I did do the things I said I’d do 🙂

This weekend, we had some friends drive down to see us. The kids got to play with his daughter and his older son and daughter hung out with us out back playing cornhole and “water pong”. That’s beer pong but with water in the cups and nobody has to drink. It’s been a lot of fun.

This morning, I’m reflecting on things and thought about how open we are with most everyone in our lives. I see many couples who practice some form of DD who feel they have to quietly shield their family and friends from that aspect of their relationships. We certainly don’t share everything with everybody, but Adam makes shameless comments like “you want another spanking?” He slapped my behind yesterday (playfully) and asked if it still hurt. Our friends were around, and nobody ever seems to think a thing of it. He’s only ever really spanked me once in front of my best friend, years ago. Even then, I was fully clothed and it was just several quick hard swats. My best friend was over a couple of days ago and I’d told her about the things I’d been procrastinating on and that I was pretty sure Adam was going to punish me. The thing is, in all other relationships I have with family and friends, I’m the strong one. I’m the one they lean on. I’m the one who has to keep it together when stuff happens. Adam is the only person on this earth who I submit to and can always count on to have my back when stuff goes bad. My friends and family see me as a strong and capable woman. They look to me when they need help. They understand that Adam is my husband, that I am under only his authority, and that’s never taken away any of the respect they have for me. I think our men friends actually treat me more respectfully knowing that Adam takes my well being very very seriously, so they’ll also be answering to him if anything happens while I’m with them. It’s a security that’s hard to explain in words, but I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone. I love my husband. I’m not afraid to let everyone know that I respect him. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that this is how we do things in our home.

We’ve had a lot of changes the last several months. Adam and I bought a big beautiful house a little further outside the city in a quiet neighborhood with some great new neighbors. Our kids love our new home and their new schools. Adam now has about a 40 minute drive into work everyday, so that part isn’t so fun, but otherwise, we’re all very happy here.

I didn’t have much to report on here for quite some time. I’m normally very positive and energetic and happy to get things done. Recently, I’ve not been so energetic about doing certain things. Our car tags need renewed, and have needed it for months now. I have a large amount of cash I’ve been meaning to put in our bank account, but haven’t gotten around to. I need to call our pest control company because they billed us wrong. And, I was late paying a bill that simply wasn’t paid because I had to make phone calls and go through all that automated crap until you finally get to a human and I just…didn’t feel like it. I actually confessed about the late bill before Adam found out. He was super understanding and wasn’t angry, but he told me to make sure I got it done the next day (it was late evening when I told him). He also mentioned calling the pest control company. I even gave him a “yes sir”. The next day (yesterday) I did get that bill paid, however I was in a hurry because I had plans to meet up with my sister and take the kids swimming and she was waiting for me. By the time I got myself and kids ready, I needed to get going. I thought “It’s fine. I’ll just make the phone call when we get back home.” Well, by the time we got home it was after 5:00 and I figured they were closed anyway now. I assumed I could use that as my excuse anyway. When Adam got home, he asked me about this and I told him exactly what I’d planned to tell him about not getting home in time. He actually asked me to show him on my phone where I had attempted to call them. I couldn’t, because I hadn’t attempted to. He questioned why I hadn’t done it that morning. I had no good answer. He pulled out one of my wooden spoons from the kitchen counter and swatted my behind a handful of times. The kids and dogs started coming to my rescue and trying to take the spoon or get new ones to spank their dad with. They figure we’re just playing, like he often does when he swats my backside in the kitchen. Things settle down and I begin to get supper ready. Adam comes in and then starts to ask about the car tags and a few other things I’d been meaning to get done. I told him “you’ve already spanked me now, so you can’t get mad”. He says “Ohhh no. That was just a warm up until the kids are in bed.” Let me say, my heart skips a beat hearing that! This whole time, Adam has been very calm and even grinning at me while I’m trying to talk my way out of it. There’s no real anger coming from him, although I know he isn’t happy with me. Later on, we went out on the deck and each had a drink. We talked and laughed. Then, he starts to bring up everything I’d been trying to avoid again. He very gently asked me “What’s going on with you?” “This isn’t like you.” I admitted that I’ve truthfully, just been lazy. I don’t want to do some of that stuff, so I procrastinate. After about half an hour of the third lecture in a row I’d gotten for the same things, he said he was ready for bed. We brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. When I came out of our bathroom, he was already laying in bed. I wasn’t sure what to expect. In a complete surprise move, he made love to me! When we’re finished, he gets up and puts on his basketball shorts, walks over to our bedroom door and locks it, and then goes into our closet. I can hear what he’s doing. He’s taking one of his belts off the hook. I’m sitting up in bed, wide eyed, waiting for what I’m sure is to come. He says “we need to get this over with”, sits on the bed, and turns me over. I then see him throw his belt down on the floor just below the view I had from my position before I start feeling spank after spank after spank on my bottom. He was only using his hand, but it hurt! I have no idea how many times his hand came down on my sore behind before it was over. I don’t think it could’ve been more than a few minutes, realistically, but it felt like he was never going to stop. Finally, no more spanks. He pulls me up and lays down next to me. I lay my head on his shoulder, and we both fall asleep. He woke me up two separate times throughout the night to initiate sex. Today, I have a sore behind, sore lady parts, and a renewed respect and admiration for my husband. He did mention to me later when I saw the belt still laying on the floor, “Next time I get that out, I won’t be playing.” I think I’ve been well enough motivated to get some shit done on Monday now.

I’m laying by the pool, watching my kids splash in the water. I’ve got a nice tan started and a couple new bikini swimsuits to wear. Every afternoon that it’s not raining, I go out to the pool and swim with the kids for awhile and then lay out on a floatie in the water or a lounge chair by the pool and work on my tan. I am so incredibly blessed…spoiled even.

I have been hurting this last year and life hasn’t been this carefree every moment. Any second now, something will come along to slap me out of my happy bubble. I’m not exaggerating how difficult it’s been. I might be focusing too much on that, though. As I sit here by the pool, I’m reminded just how good I still have it. I text Adam a picture of the kids splashing and asked him how his day is going. He wrote back “HOT. It’s hot as hell!” Adam will tease me about lounging by the pool all day, but he knows I also keep up with all the things I need to get done at home and with the kids. He’s not really angry that I get to swim on a hot afternoon. I actually think he’s proud that his wife and kids can have a fun summer swimming and playing outside. He’s proud that he is able to provide for our family and allow me to be here with our kids everyday. He’s a great husband and daddy. I sure do have it made. Despite the issues I can’t escape, I still have a pretty fantastic life.

Submission is a gift. I wouldn’t say I was naturally “submissive” before I met Adam. Adam had a confidence that sort of commanded that those close to him follow his lead. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made in the beginning to submit to my husband. The words submit and obey still leave a bad taste in my mouth when I say them out loud. I think society teaches girls that submitting to and obeying a man is to betray womankind altogether. Women fought so hard for equal rights, for the same opportunities as men. I’m absolutely for those things. I chose this man I’m married to. I chose to allow him to lead when I followed him from the start. Some women are born leaders. Some men are submissive. We’re all in charge of our own destiny. I wouldn’t suggest that everyone reading this should think the way I do. I’m only speaking for myself and my relationship. Having said all of that, if you find you’re frustrated with your significant other because they aren’t getting things done, aren’t standing up for you, aren’t throwing you down on the bed and conquering you like you’re the only thing they’ve ever wanted, I have some ideas that might help.

Number 1. Decide you’re going to let go of your need to be in control. If you’re afraid to let him call the plumber about the leaky faucet because he won’t pick the right guy for the job, he won’t be able to explain the problem as well as you, he will just get overcharged…etc. Give him the opportunity to do it his way. Adam never loads the dishwasher my way, but if he loads the dishwasher, and the dishes get done, who cares! Don’t wait expectantly for him to fail either. If he doesn’t get it right, give him the chance to fix his own mistake. If he loves you, if he wants the best for his family, he is not going to make bad decisions just to piss you off.

Number 2. Remind both of you who’s calling the shots. I need Adam to put his big strong arms around me. I need him to hold me down and show me he can get what he wants. I want him to pin my hands above my head and ravish every inch of me. I need him to put me over his knee and leave some handprints on my ass. I find myself tiptoeing over the line sometimes just to find out whether Adam will stop me. Will he notice? Will he punish me? I don’t really want to get away with it. I want him to keep me safe and to notice me when I’m crossing the line. I want him to do something about it when I go too far. By him doing that, I’m reminded that Adam is calling the shots. He’s looking out for me and he isn’t going to let anything bad happen to me.

Number 3. Show him how much you appreciate him. It is fuel for their engine when you acknowledge what they do and say thank you in even the smallest of ways. You can write a note telling him how sexy he looked while he was cutting the grass last night. You can say thank you for working for (x amount of) hours so that I could get this new (thing). Cook his favorite supper for him. Those little acts of encouragement can make all the difference to Adam. He wants to be noticed just like I do.

These are just a few things that work well for Adam and I when we have been “stuck” for awhile. It’s important to me that Adam leads well. It’s at least as important to Adam that he leads well. He wants to make me happy. He wants to do right by his family. It does me good to remember that when I’m feeling frustrated with him.

Friday afternoon, I got a phone call that changed my life forever. I’m not ready to write about the details, but it has to do with my son. He was immediately taken to the closest hospital and then transferred to a children’s hospital. I’d been having a great day. I got out my fall scented candles and started to change out my summertime decorations with fall ones. My house smelled like cinnamon apples and pumpkin spice. I was sitting in the kitchen talking with a friend when my phone rang. It was his school. I don’t even remember the drive to him. Seeing my little boy like he was, I just can’t write about it yet. He’s alive, he will recover, but our life is going to look different for a very long time while we help him to heal. He’s still in the hospital, but he’s in good spirits. I managed to keep it together all but once in front of him. The frustration, anger, and fear got to me as one of the doctors explained something I didn’t understand and I couldn’t stop the explosion of tears and the angry words that flew from my mouth. My sweet boy tried to comfort ME. He told me “it’s okay mama, I’ll be okay.” I love him so much my chest is literally aching as I’m writing this.

I’m sorry for the cliffhanger, I’ll try to give more information as I’m able to, but I can’t make words out of the emotions I’m feeling right now. One miracle I can share today, my cousin is going to be going into rehab on September 4th and has pulled through after we didn’t think he would make it several times over the last couple of weeks! I believe in the power of prayer y’all.

It’s been HOT and HUMID here the entire month of August so far. I love summertime, but this heat is taking a toll on all of us. Adam’s been coming home grumpy and I hate it. He doesn’t yell or anything like that, he’s just more distant and quiet. He isn’t as playful or sarcastic and silly. He’s exhausted and drained from yet another day spent out in this triple digit weather. I can’t blame him. I understand. I miss my husband, though. This week has been the worst. I’m also PMS’ing, so my hormones are wrecked. For all of these reasons, I’ve struggled to find anything creative or interesting to write about. I have a few saved drafts that I started when I had good ideas pop up, but not enough time to finish my thoughts. Maybe I can work on those?

Last week, when I was in the doctor’s office for my leg injury, he asked me the question I always dread to answer. “Do you smoke?” The answer is (was) yes. I started smoking a few years ago. A nasty stupid habit to pick up and I don’t know why I ever decided it was a good idea. Like every drug addict ever says, you think you will be the one who can just do it for fun every once in awhile. I won’t get hooked on that, I told myself. Of course, that was a lie. So, I told the doc the truth and he asked if I wanted help to quit. I absolutely hate the way antidepressants make me feel. I told him I did not want to take anything like that. He had another idea for me, though. He told me to go buy a vape pen and don’t ever buy another pack of cigarettes. He said the next time I’m there to see him, then he’ll start giving me heck about how much nicotine I’m using, but for now, try the vape pen. I was extremely skeptical. I really thought I’d hate it and just keep on smoking, but I was willing to give it a good try. My mom got so excited when I told her what I was going to do, she drove over and picked me up and took me to the vape store and bought the pen and the nicotine stuff for me! Now I knew I really had to give it a good try because I didn’t want my mom to waste her money or to be disappointed in me. I didn’t even tell Adam what I was doing right away. I am happy to report, I have not smoked a single cigarette since last Wednesday! A whole week!! I call my vape pen my “binky” (that was our daughter’s name for her pacifier as a toddler). It’s shocking even to me that I’ve been able to do this! Adam is so proud of me and it makes me feel so good.

I’ve been almost too well behaved lately. Adam has had no good reason to spank me or anything. I’m almost considering finding a way to cross the line, just a little bit. I’m craving his touch. I want to feel him on me, in me. We finally got to have sex last night, but it seems it only made me want him even more. We’re both still recovering from our trip last weekend too, so I’m sure Adam will be able to quench my “thirst” for him once he’s caught up on his sleep and his work settles down a bit. He’s always super busy after he’s been off for a few days.

Today’s been a good day overall. I helped my mom clean her house and get it ready for company coming tomorrow. Her sister and brother in law (my favorite aunt and uncle) are coming to visit. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen them, so I’m excited they’re coming. We have church this evening. We’ve missed the last couple of Wednesdays. I’ve missed it, actually. Church always helps me to refocus and center myself again. I leave feeling like my “batteries” got recharged. Speaking of recharging my batteries, I’m in need of some caffeine. Despite the 91 degree heat outside, I’m going to go make myself some hot tea. I’ve got about an hour until my kids will be home from school. Maybe I can sit and enjoy my tea while I fold the rest of this laundry.

I’m not great at confrontation. I will put up with a lot from family, friends, even strangers just to avoid causing any upset. I mentally check out when someone is yelling at me. As much as I hate admitting this, insults and assumptions people make about me can really get to me. I’d like to be the kind of person who can shake it off and not be bothered by the things other people say or think about me. Unfortunately, my feelings are easily hurt when I’m offended.

In a conversation with some women I met recently, we were discussing what everyone does for a living. When it came my turn to say, I told them I’m a wife and mom, a homemaker. One of them asked me how old my youngest child is and I told her, eight. She was confused, almost annoyed when she heard that. She wanted to know why I’m not working since my youngest is school aged. I was put in a tough spot because these are all working women. Some of them are parents, too. I would never want to offend any mother for her choices when it comes to her career or how she’s best taking care of her family. The truth is, I genuinely believe that a lot of the problems our children struggle with today are closely linked to having absent parents. So many kids leave for school by themselves and return home by themselves. Very few families that I know regularly have supper at the table together. When I am taking my kids to a game or a recital, I am always asked to give a handful of other children a ride whose parents aren’t able to make it. I absolutely understand that there are parents out there who are working just to provide the most basic essentials for their children. They would love to be at their daughter’s recital, but don’t have the luxury of that option. I have so much respect for single parents who are doing everything they can to give their children a better life. I do not fault families for their circumstances in life that force us all to make tough decisions. I know I’m blessed to have a husband who is willing and able to support our family on only his income. I appreciate all of the things I’m able to do with and for our kids and the sacrifices he makes that make that possible. I’m not sitting at home watching soap operas all day though. I’m volunteering at a women’s crisis center. I’m at school eating lunch with my kids or helping out in their classrooms. I’m helping my sick mom. Cleaning her house, taking her to and from doctor appointments. I’m doing our laundry, grocery shopping, scrubbing floors and bathrooms and walls and doors. I’m making my family breakfast, lunch, and supper everyday. I’m carpooling to and from my children’s various extra curricular activities. I’m standing at the bus stop with my kids in the morning and waiting there for them in the afternoon when they come back home. I’m making them snacks for after school. I’m scheduling and taking them in for haircuts, dentist appointments, doctor check ups. I’m up with a sick kid at 2am holding their hair back and cleaning up vomit. I’m the splinter getter outer. I’m the referee. I’m the always available hug when they need one.

Since I was a small child myself, I’ve wanted to be a wife and a mother. These years with them are so precious and fleeting. I spend everyday trying to soak up all of the moments that won’t last. I’m not lazy, unwilling, or unable to get a job. One of the women even made a point to tell me “everyone’s hiring right now”. Lady, kindly fuck off please.

Whether you’re a working or a stay at home mom, you’re awesome in my eyes as long as you’re doing what you feel is right and best for your family. And to the women out there like my grandma, who spent her whole life being a homemaker long before and after her children, you rock too. Don’t let ignorant people get you down like I did. They got to me with their rude comments. I walked away feeling worth less than I know I am. I felt like a failure of a woman or something. Instead of standing up for myself like I should have, I let them say their opinions about me and left the conversation feeling vulnerable and hurt. Why do women do this to each other so often? I’m sure they’re out there, but I’ve never had a man say nasty things about me being a homemaker/stay at home mom. It’s always been other women with big mouths sharing their big opinions.

Anyway, I’ll stop ranting now.

We had a great time visiting Adam’s family in Kansas last weekend. We went to a tractor pull and got our redneck on. We got back home Sunday night around midnight and then had to be up at 4:15am for an early morning appointment downtown. The appointment went the best it could have! She is officially in remission!!!

Today, we are finishing up school shopping and my daughter needs one immunization that we’re currently in the waiting room for. My injured calf is doing great, too! I’m already back to walking almost normally again. I’ve been on a sort of emotional rollercoaster lately, and I’m very excited to finally be getting off of it. The stress of everything piling up and nothing going as expected had been taking a heavy toll on me. It appears we are finding our way back to our normal again. Poor Adam was exhausted last night, so I didn’t get to spend much time with him. By the time I got home from all the stuff I’d had to do yesterday, it was almost 8:00pm and he’d already gone to bed and then he left before I got up this morning. It’s literally been almost a week since Adam and I had sex, which is almost totally unheard of for us. With everything going on, injuries, stress, being at his mom’s house with our kids in the same room…I think we’re both looking forward to bedtime tonight! I’m excited for the possibility of being able to share something more interesting than the hum drum, mundane details of my domestic life. I’ll report back as soon as there’s something to share 😉

I wanted to post a picture of my dog, Scrappy in the comments, but it won’t let me do that. This was my handsome fur baby who I got long before I had any kids. He was with me through both of their births and a miscarriage. He got me through the best and worst of times for all 13 years I was blessed to have him here with me ❤️ He had just gotten a haircut in this picture, but his hair was usually about like your dog, Ruffi’s.