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Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

If I never get put over our bed, and spanked like I was last night, it’ll be too soon…

I pay most all of our bills through our banking app, or Apple Pay. For some reason, every once in awhile, something goes wrong. I scheduled one of our utility bills to come out of our account, weeks ago. I didn’t think about it again, until we got a notice that it hadn’t been paid. I went online, scanned all of my scheduled and past payments debited from our main account, and it wasn’t there. I’m still not sure how, but it disappeared. Adam didn’t doubt me, when I told him I know I had scheduled it. What he lectured me on, was not checking to make sure it had come out. This has happened before, several months ago. I agreed, I’m going to have to be more vigilant about double checking, but I didn’t feel like it was fair to get punished. Adam disagreed. He wasn’t grouchy, when he got home. We ate supper. I cleaned the kitchen. Jackie and I talked, for awhile. Adam came in, around 8:30pm, and asked me if I was ready to go take a shower. We walked into our room, and he announced, “Alright, let’s get this over with.” I protested! He swatted my butt a couple of times. It didn’t even hurt that bad. I was angry, though. I looked up at him and asked, “Are you done yet?!” He said, “Apparently not.” I refused to surrender, this time. I was mouthy. I wouldn’t give him the yes sir, he was looking for… I couldn’t begin to guess how many times his hand connected with my behind, before I finally gave in. I was struggling to contain the tears trying to escape from my eyes. Adam’s voice softened. His hands gently held onto me. He told me that, this hurts him too. Believe me, I wanted to say something snarky, but I held back.

I didn’t sleep well, last night. I couldn’t get comfortable, no matter what position I tried. My butt ached. I’d lay on my belly. My neck didn’t appreciate that. It was a long night, tossing and turning. Adam asked me, this morning, how I slept? I just groaned, because I knew that he knew I’d been rolling around, all night. He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me he loved me.

I texted him, awhile ago. I wanted to show him that I’d paid another utility bill.

Despite my sore, achy body, I’ve gotten a lot accomplished, today. The sun is shining. That helps. I can’t explain why I’m so stubborn, sometimes? I just have a very hard time accepting or admitting fault, once in awhile. When I’m seriously angry, my inner sarcastic bitch is unleashed. Until the last several months, even Adam didn’t choose to go up against her.

We’re having Jackie’s baby niece’s first birthday party here, tomorrow. After that, we’re heading to my dads. I really want it to be a fun, easygoing kind of weekend. I have absolutely zero intention of doing anything to find myself bent over this bed, unless I’m enjoying it!

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Real Life (Featuring Me)

“…so much pressure I can barely breathe. My demons branding me like Yellowstone. Mama ain’t here no more to pray for me. I’m surrounded by hate, fake fame, and greed. The dark days always seem to find a way. I’ve been dealing with pain, but keep a smile on my face….I keep on goin’, cause that’s all I know. Turning off every emotion, I’m in airplane mode. I keep my past in the rear view, with my middle finger up screaming fuck you. I broke down, tore into pieces. Black clouds raining on me again. I can’t get away. Trying to get all this time I lost. I can’t get it back. One foot in, the other outside the door. I can’t make a mistake. This is real life today.”

~Seth Anthony

I know it probably isn’t the right thing to do, but I often build walls, when I’m afraid. If I’m feeling insecure, I will push Adam away. I don’t want him to move away from me. I want him to stand firm. I need to know he is still going to be there. The worst thing he can do, is move. If he doesn’t stay right where he says he’ll always be, I crumble. It isn’t fair for me to make Adam “pay for” the damage my mother has done to me, but the wounds she left have affected me deeply. I can’t help but worry that, if I fuck up, he might leave too. I think I have this fear that, if I’m not “good enough”, he might not want me anymore. I spent so many years of my life desperately trying to find ways to get affection from my mother. I tried so hard to be the daughter she expected me to be. To please her. To earn her love. And, when I failed, I felt her wrath. She could look at me with pure hatred in her eyes. Genuine, hatred. She knew all the ways to hurt me. At the same time, a part of me craves boundaries. I appreciate when Adam is willing to step up, and protect me. To make sure that I don’t cross lines that I shouldn’t. I’m ok with that. I need it. As long as I never look into his eyes, and see the look my mother used to give me. As long as he continues to do and say everything out of genuine love. I can see, hear, and feel the difference, easily. I’ve been brave and open enough to share, with Adam, so much of the things I keep hidden from the world. The things that would give him a perfect insight into how to destroy me, if he ever decided to. My mother often talked about how she intended to “destroy” me. She’d do everything she could to accomplish her goal, too! I’ve shown Adam those weak spots. That’s scary! I wore a “mask” for so long. One that pretended not to be afraid of anything. One that portrayed nothing but confidence. Admitting my weaknesses, forces me to take off that “mask”. I’m left raw and real, and very vulnerable.

I’ve given Adam a roadmap into my heart and soul. I can’t travel the path to something great, without remembering the heartache I experienced, along the way. I can tell him all of the best ways to help, but that also gives him access to all of the ways to hurt me. I explained it to Adam like this, Imagine you’re training for a big fight. You lift weights in the gym everyday. You practice how to duck away and how to throw a punch. You’re asking me to stop training. Promising me that you’ve got me. If you let me down, I’ve stopped preparing. I’m no longer ready to fight. I can’t lift weights like I used to. I can’t throw a punch like I used to. I don’t even know how to avoid the punches from other people, the way I used to.

The hardest part is convincing myself that I’ll never have to defend myself against the people I’m supposed to trust to love me. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He wants honesty. He wants me to be vulnerable with him. To trust him. I need to know I’m always going to be safe with him. I need to believe that he won’t ever use the “road map” I’ve drawn him, to crush me. To destroy me.

I love Adam so much. It’s a very difficult and trying process, getting through the bullshit. It’s hard work, building something real and intimate. I think it’s worth it. I think our progress is amazing. It’s scary and emotional and it hurts real bad sometimes. It’s also brought on a whole new level of relationship that I didn’t even know was possible. I didn’t know I could let someone in the way I’ve been allowing Adam to be. I can’t describe the comfort and security that washes over me when Adam shows me that “he’s got me”. Even when I screw up, and he gets upset with me, and punishes me. When I can hear his love for me in the way he speaks, see his love for me in his eyes, and feel his love for me in the way he comforts me, even if he’s upset with me… This makes me sure I can trust him with the key to my heart.

I’ve began to open myself up to other people that I love. My brother asked me recently, “are you ok? You’ve been opening up a lot more lately.” My friends have been so willing to listen and support me. I’ve sort of been shocking everyone, because they know, it’s not like me to really talk. I think it’s good, though. I never intended to have only superficial relationships. I’ve just always been the one who listened. The one doing the consoling. Not the vulnerable one. It’s new, but it’s good.

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Around the Corner?

The kids went back to school! They had a 2 hour late start. It was nice getting to sleep in a little longer, but I’m glad the weather has decided to cooperate. We can start getting back to “normal”, again. I ran some errands, this morning. The roads were all perfectly fine. It’s several degrees above freezing, so all the ice has melted away.

My son has a training thing, tonight. He volunteered to help serve at a local charity event. They’re putting on a “prom”, for special needs students. He will be learning how to best help the kids with special needs, while he’s there. Of course, this training is almost 8 miles away, at 6:00pm. So, right during rush hour. An 8 mile drive across the city, at rush hour, ends up taking about 45 minutes. I’m proud of him for volunteering, but I really don’t feel like fighting traffic, this evening.

I’m making chili, for supper. I figured I’d get it done, so I can leave it simmering in my crockpot, while I take my son across town. Jackie is coming home. I haven’t hung out with her in days! I am so happy for her, that she’s found a great guy. I keep encouraging her not to self sabotage this.

Today was Groundhog Day. I never did hear whether he saw his shadow, or not? I’m ready for Spring to arrive! I’m starting to think about all the flowers I’d like to plant. I’ve got some landscaping ideas. Once we get through February, I should be able to start working on those plans.

Last night, I was texting with a friend I grew up with. We were always together, in high school. She knows what’s happened, with my mother, but we don’t talk much about it. For whatever reason, we did, last night. I was blown away, when she said this to me…

I shared a couple of my older blog posts, with her. She wanted to know where to find my blog, but I explained, there’s a lot of shit I write, that she don’t need to read! I had no idea she hadn’t fallen for the perfect facade I so carefully played out, when we were kids. I just think that’s interesting. My mother could put on quite the show, for others. It never occurred to me, that maybe they weren’t buying her bullshit, either.

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Never Gonna Change

“Made a little money, I ain’t never gonna change
Still drinking Jim Beam, still wear them dirty jeans. Get up every morning, ’cause them bills don’t go anyway. Got something to say, then bubba say it to my face….Times change people change but not me My hands on my heart ’cause these colors don’t bleed…This is the land I love. You can’t take this from me. From the city to the country, everybody raised southern…”

~Seth Anthony

I am a very proud Tennessean. I know that it’s not for everyone. Not everybody who visits will agree. I just think this is an amazing place to raise my babies. I appreciate our culture, our community, our uniqueness. I’ve visited lots of other states. The only place that I would say is somewhat comparable, is Texas. My grandparents lived in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I had friends, Chuck and Amber, back in Texas. My brother is a huge Dallas Cowboys fan, because of our time spent there. They also had a vacation home, in Tucson, Arizona. My strongest memory of Arizona, is when I decided to touch one of the cactus they told me not to, and I had a whole bunch of needles stuck inside my hand. I was mad, because we didn’t get to go for the walk we were supposed to. My grandma spent forever pulling those tiny cactus needles from my hand. I spent a lot of time with them, when I was a kid. I loved spending time with them. We also vacationed in Colorado. I loved roaming the mountains, playing in the creek, and the crisp, cool air. Still, I’m a Tennessee girl. Nashville will always be the city I call home. Adam and I don’t even “technically” live in Nashville, anymore. When we moved, we left Davidson county. We’re in another “county”, now. I do love it here, too. Adam’s wanted to live here for years. We have great neighbors and community. When I drive through Nashville, and see the same skyline I’m so tied to, I feel nostalgia, though. I wouldn’t want to leave my state.

I lived where my mother moved to, for awhile. She’s in the Midwest. It isn’t a bad place, but it doesn’t feel like home. I met Adam in the Midwest. He played football and went to college there. We actually lived there together, for awhile. I longed for Tennessee, though. He knew this. Every time we came to visit, I cried when we had to leave. He promised me we would move down here. He kept his promise. My babies are Tennessee babies, because Adam honored his word, and I’m so grateful. They love to go visit his Mom, in the Midwest, but they know the same love that I have for this place. It’s all they know. They have my accent. They have these roots. My family, “my people”, are all here. This is home.

Making plans for our guitar night, Saturday

My dad is going to make supper for all of us, on Saturday evening. I love him so much. Sometimes, when I think too much, I consider what life will be like, when I don’t have all of “my people” here. It scares the hell out of me. Adam has this friend from work. He was in a car accident, a couple nights ago. They did an MRI, and discovered he had terminal cancer. He had no idea. It’s spread into his brain. They don’t anticipate he will ever even leave the hospital now. I can’t imagine! Life is so unpredictable. It’s cruel! We can’t always wait for “someday”. There’s never any guarantee there’ll be a tomorrow. I never say “goodbye”. I tell my family and friends, see ya, when I leave, or hang up the phone. It’s always love you, see ya. Goodbye is just too permanent a word, for me. I won’t say it. I’ve rubbed off on Adam, to the point, he says it to people, too.

I didn’t have a plan, for where this writing was going. I just started it, and this is where I’ve ended up. It’s been a good day. It felt so cold. I needed to warm up. So, the kids and I baked cookies. Adam made it home safe from work. The kids have a 2 hour late start, tomorrow, but it appears they’ll be going to school.

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Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day, is one of my all time favorite movies! It’s starting to feel like that, here…

They canceled school for today, yesterday evening. My kiddos are home, again.

My son got his room looking much better! He arranged it so that it looks nice. Except, I can’t explain why he has the nightstand facing backwards? We got new license plates, awhile ago. He took our old ones, and Jackie’s, and hung them on his wall. Whatever…it’s his room?

Even his bathroom is an improvement

I get so annoyed with “Yankees” coming to the south, and then griping how we overreact about the weather. -45 in Michigan, or wherever the fuck you’re from might be bad, but we don’t have 10,000 salt trucks running up and down our roads, clearing them off for us. We might only be just below freezing, but when ice is covering everything, and the power goes out, that’s still cold! Someone I know moved here, recently. She didn’t listen to the forecast. She didn’t have enough diapers or food, for her baby, because in her words, “southerners are big babies”. She didn’t bother to get supplies, before this storm began. Then, she asks one of us “southerners” to use our 4 wheel drive truck to come and rescue her! We’re not “big babies”. We know what the hell to do, when the forecast tells us bad weather is coming. Anyway, rant over.

We all stayed up late, last night. We watched as the icy rain weighed down the willow tree, across the street. The power lines sank lower, and then even lower. We could hear the ice pelting down on our roof. I was so glad that no one I loved was out on the roads. We said a quiet prayer for anyone who was out there. There were lots of accidents. The traffic cameras were frozen over so bad, we could barely see what the roads even looked like. Jackie stayed over at Justin’s, again.

Adam went into work at 9:00am, this morning, just like yesterday. Like yesterday, I did my very best to talk him out of going, but he’s stubborn. He told me to stay home, but won’t heed his own words. Now I get to worry, until he’s back home safe, again.

Everything outside looks like this

Besides all that excitement, there isn’t too much else going on. We’re just spending another snow/ice day inside. We got lucky, and never lost power. I saw a lot of other people, around the area, had lost it, but ours hasn’t cut off once! They’re calling for, yet another round of snow/freezing rain, tonight…

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Another Snow Day, Sort of

We got notified, last night, there would be no school, today. We ended up with freezing rain. It left a decent amount of ice covering everything. Adam decided he would go into the office around 9:00am, this morning. I wished he wouldn’t, but he didn’t listen to me. I’ve been checking in on him. He made it to work safely. He said the roads were ok, but were re-freezing now. So, that’s just great.

Since the kids are home, I got my son cleaning his bedroom. We made tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches together, for lunch. My daughter wanted to make some muffins, so we made those, this morning. Adam just text and asked me if we’re staying warm. I told him I’d just vacuumed the stairs and hallway upstairs, so I was actually kind of hot!

Jackie had gone over to Justin’s place, last night. He made her supper, and they hung out. She stayed over there, since the weather was starting to turn bad. It’s just me and my kiddos, today. My baby niece, Pj, is doing great. The doctor believes it was just a viral thing causing her rash. That was good news!

My watch says it’s only 28 degrees, outside. They’re calling for some snowflakes, later on this evening. Seems like a good kind of day to make some hot cocoa for everybody. I think I’ll go surprise the kids with some hot cocoa and marshmallows 😊

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Need a Favor…

“I only talk to God when I need a favor. And I only pray when I ain’t got a prayer. So, tell me who the hell am I to expect a savior, if I only talk to God when I need a favor? But, God, I need a favor…”

~Jelly Roll

I really do try to be grateful for the good, and remember to thank God for it. I’m not always the best kind of Christian. I know I curse. I find plenty of ways to sin. I do have a deep love for Christ, though. There’s been plenty of times where He’s shown His love for me.

I was pregnant, with a baby boy, after my first born, but before I had my daughter. For awhile, I thought one child was enough. I had this little buddy, who was always with me. Then, I found out I was, unexpectedly, pregnant again. I started planning and buying things. We started work on a nursery, for him. When I was 12 weeks along, I went in for an appointment, and they couldn’t find his heartbeat. I went in for a sonogram. They told me he had died. I was sent home. Told I’d miscarry him in the following days. Only, I didn’t. I still felt pregnant. A week later, I felt my baby move. I felt my babies pretty early, in pregnancy. I had no bleeding or cramping at all. I went back to the doctor. They did blood work and another sonogram. Miraculously, he was still there. Strong heartbeat. That’s when I found out he was a boy. At fifteen weeks pregnant, I was on the phone with a friend of mine, from church. They’d been praying so hard for us. I was explaining that God had performed this miracle, and our baby was good. Suddenly, I felt this “pop”, inside, and started to gush blood down my legs. For some reason, I kept quiet, and just politely ended the phone call. I ran into the bathroom. I didn’t know what to do? It was a Saturday. We rushed to the hospital, only to be told, once again, that he had died. I couldn’t accept it. Even with all the bleeding. It couldn’t be! Why would God do this to me???

They assured me, my baby was gone. I insisted we wait and see. They gave me a few days, and did more blood work and sonograms. He was definitely gone, this time. It still makes me cry, after these years, remembering that ache I felt in my heart and soul. I had genuine anger at God. We had celebrated and thanked God for answering all the prayers! How could He?!

I had to go into surgery, because he was too big for my body to miscarry on its own. It was so incredibly hard to allow doctors to remove the life that once moved and grew inside of me. After testing, we discovered his placenta had not attached well, and it had slowly pulled away, taking the very thing that was sustaining life, from him. Although there was nothing I could’ve done, and I do know that, I still have so much guilt about it.

Days later, I was sitting on my couch. I was a mess of tears and anger. I grabbed my Bible, and opened it to a random page. The verse I came upon, was Ecclesiastes 3


There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I was overcome with this realization, that God had answered a prayer of mine. When they’d first told me my baby had died, I hadn’t gotten any sonogram images of my baby. I kept praying and crying that I hadn’t even gotten to see my baby. I had nothing to remember him by. I believe God gave me the opportunity to hear his heart beating, and to get the sonogram pictures that I still hold so dear. That was a gift. A blessing. I felt God’s love and comfort just envelope me, as I came to understand this. The sadness remained, but the anger was gone.

That night, I had the most amazing dream. We were sitting at a picnic table. My husband, our living child, and myself. This blonde haired little boy ran to me and called me “mama”. I knew he was my son. I called him “Blake”. This is what we decided to name that baby, after that dream. His name was Blake. I hadn’t ever even considered that, as a baby name, but this was so assuredly known, in my dream.

God is very real, for me. As real as the ground we stand on. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve never been angry with Him again. I no longer question Him. Sometimes, I ask Him to show me why. I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. He always shows me, though. Sometimes it’s immediate. Sometimes, it takes awhile. I always understand why, eventually.

We need to celebrate our lives. Be grateful that you woke up, this morning. Be glad you have a job to do. Be thankful your belly is full, you have people who love you, you have a bed to climb into, when you need rest. It’s those things we so often take for granted. He performs miracles, everyday. We just have to open our eyes to see them.

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Comfort Food for Cold Weather

Tonight, we’re having fried chicken, mashed potatoes, with country gravy, and green bean casserole.

Tomorrow, I’m planning to make some rotel dip and chips. You just take a couple cans of rotel, some cheese (I use velveeta), and brown ground beef or turkey seasoned with taco seasoning. Melt all those together. Serve with tortilla chips. We like to add sour cream on top, too. I’m already figuring everyone will be home, tomorrow, because of the winter weather. Wednesday is chili soup night. Thursday is my daughter’s favorite. Hawaiian hot ham and cheese sandwiches. For those, you need Hawaiian rolls (or buns), sliced ham (not honey ham, though), sliced Swiss cheese, worstershire sauce, melted butter, garlic and onion powder. I’m not much of a measurer, I’d guess I use about a 1 tsp of both the garlic and onion powder, and 1 Tbs of the worstershire sauce. Mix those into a stick of melted butter. Then brush onto the tops of your ham and cheese sandwiches. Bake at 350 for about 10-15 minutes. That’s Mj’s request for her birthday supper, every year. I always ask my family what they’d like for supper, on their birthday, and make it for them. 😊

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Generation “Alpha”

I’m told that “gen alpha”, is known as the “iPad babies” and for loving to play with “slime”. I can confirm. We have a big basket of slime and slime accessories, on top of our fridge. My kids have all the electronic devices. They do go out to play. They still jump on the trampoline, mess around on their swing set, play with the dog. They’re loving the ping pong table, downstairs. I just wonder how they’ll remember their childhood? I played outside, every single day. We rode bikes all over. We built forts, went fishing, hiking. We played kickball. We shot a lot of nerf guns. My son used to have an insane collection of Nerf guns and accessories. He’s only recently started to outgrow those. He now has more powerful ones. They’re locked away, and he can’t use them without adult supervision. His BB gun looks like an AR rifle, so he thinks he’s pretty cool with that thing. My babies are growing up fast.

They were supposed to have their bedrooms cleaned, yesterday. My son assured me he would get it done. I went upstairs, after Pj left, and he was passed out asleep. His room did not get cleaned…

This is all the further I’d walk in, this morning. Ugh. Boys…

My daughter’s room, on the other hand…

They’re calling for some winter weather, tonight into tomorrow morning. Freezing rain/snow mix. I went to the store and got the “milk and bread”. We’re ready for whatever, now!

Last night, Adam was teasing me, as we got ready for bed. He was smacking my butt (playfully), saying he needed to keep me on track, since my behind is all better now. I told him that I was considering telling him he could fuck right off, but I wasn’t going to do it. I repeated, I was thinking you could fuck off, but didn’t say it. I was pushing it! It was silly, but he knew I was wording it that way, intentionally. I did earn a couple of “not so playful” smacks, but we mostly just mess around with each other. He’s really been on me about rolling my eyes or cursing at him, though.

We had a blast hanging out with baby Pj, last night! She slept in my arms, in the big comfy living room chair. I couldn’t keep my own eyes open, snuggling a warm sleepy baby! The poor thing had to get some immunizations, on Friday. She seemed to be doing well, but my sister FaceTimed me, this morning. Pj was developing a rash that had spread all over her body. They’re taking her into the doctor. We’re hoping it isn’t a delayed reaction to her shots.

Now that I’ve got all my errands run, I’m hunkering down, inside, just waiting for the cold storm to blow in. I thought about reorganizing my pantries, in the kitchen. I’ve got my house clean, laundry all done, groceries put away. There isn’t much that needs doing, today. I just heard the furnace cut on. The cold air is definitely arriving.

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Nothing Much

My sister and her husband went out, for the first time since Pj came along. They’d asked us to babysit. Of course I said absolutely! They get a nice evening, as a couple. We get to hang out with baby Pj.

Yesterday, we played cornhole, and Adam grilled us some burgers. Today has been a lazy Sunday, at home. We haven’t had much excitement, besides spending our evening with Pj. I hear her getting a little fussy, in the other room. I’m going to go see if I can help 😊

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Hallelujah

“Hallelujah g*d damnit, can I get a amen. I been blessed by our country. Had to work to get the win. Had me kickin’ doors down. They ain’t wanna let us in. Hallelujah g*d damnit, can I get a amen…They say when one door closes, another one’s gon’ open. Foot to the deadbolt, leavin’ the hinges broken. Hopin’ there’s no casualties, but fuck all the formalities. I had to make my way up, they said the top’s at capacity. Is it really bad of me to want my family to get to see the possibilities and build a family dynasty?”

~Adam Calhoun & Struggle Jennings

My taste in music is all over the place. My parents never censored my music choices, when I was a teenager. I don’t really listen to my more inappropriate stuff, in front of my kids, though. I grew up in a family of artists. Music artists, a children’s book illustrator, a painter, a couple people who do wood burning and exclusive carvings, an aunt who drew comics for the newspapers, a cousin who builds unique archery bows for high end clients, architects…lots of “artsy” people surround me. I find that I tend to appreciate all forms of “art”. Music is just my favorite. I used to draw, but I haven’t drawn in years. I like to paint finger and toenails, and do designs on them. I also enjoy playing with makeup and hair, and trying out new things.

Jackie and I are heading to some craft stores. We’re finding some things to make decorations for her sister’s baby’s birthday party, next weekend. We’ve got some cool ideas! I guess crafting is another one of those “artsy” hobbies I enjoy?

Last night, we hung out down in Jackie’s apartment. Justin and Adam played ping pong with us, for awhile. Then, they sat and talked to each other, while Jackie and I hit the ball back and forth. We’re getting pretty good at it! As the night went on, Jackie wanted some fries. Justin offered to go get her some, at a fast food place. Adam went along with him, on their “french fry run”. Earlier in the day, I’d had a couple packages arrive. After I opened them, I realized, they were 2 of the cashmere leggings that Jackie and I ordered. They’d come separate from the big box of things we’d gotten, last week. I resealed the bag, and Jackie was going to get them returned. While the guys were out, we got a wild hair, and decided to just try them on. When the guys got back, there we were, in matching cashmere leggings. I was a little afraid Adam might be mad, but he just shook his head. He told me to keep them, if I like them that much. He’ll pay for them. It turns out, I did get some new cashmere!

We’re grilling some burgers, later on. It’s a beautiful day. Warm and sunny. We talked about getting out the cornhole boards, and play a few games. It’s been a fun weekend, so far 😊

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Fiastadas

This is a very easy meal! Adam and the kids all enjoy it. All you need is,

1 pound ground beef (or turkey)

Taco seasoning

2 pizza crusts (I buy the Pillsbury dough that you get in those cans and then roll out onto a pan)

Pizza sauce

Shredded cheddar cheese

I make the pizza crust, as directed. Brown the ground beef and then add the taco seasoning. Spread pizza sauce over your crusts. Spread your seasoned ground beef over that. Top with shredded cheese. Bake until the cheese is melted.

It’s sooo easy, but so yummy! You can also add taco sauce, if that’s your thing 😉

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Shit was Fuckin’ Cool

I woke up, this morning, to my neck feeling so much better! A little sore, when I look up and down, but otherwise, I feel great!

I was limited, in what I could do, yesterday. I’m happy to be able to do my “normal” things. I got breakfast dishes washed. Made beds. I cleaned the bathrooms, on our main floor. I make my kids do their own bathrooms, upstairs. Every Sunday, their rooms get cleaned, they clean their bathrooms, and bring their bedding and hampers, of laundry, to get washed. I cleaned the inside of the fridge out. I washed all the main floor windows. I’m planning to get some cookies baked, this afternoon. I like to time it so that they’re coming out of the oven, right when my kids get home, after school.

I’m listening to Tom Macdonald’s new album, “The Revolution”. There’s a couple of songs that I like, so far. “Shit was fuckin’ cool”, is a great one. He’s had this new song, “Ghost”, blow up. I have to admit, it’s just not my thing. I’m glad for him, but it’s not my jam.

I’m not sure what we’re doing, this weekend. Jackie and Justin are going out to eat, tonight. Adam, the kids, and I are having pizza, at home. I’ve been craving French toast. I got all the stuff I need to make it, so I’m going to make it for breakfast, tomorrow. I’m in the mood to put out my Spring decorations, but it seems just a bit too early. It was super cold, yesterday. Today, the sun’s shining. It’s only supposed to make it to the upper 50’s, but the sunshine helps me feel better.

Next weekend, we’ve got a music night, at Poppy’s house. I’m excited to do that, again! We haven’t had one of those, since October. Jackie’s sister’s baby turns one year old, next Saturday, too. Her place isn’t big enough for a birthday party, so I offered to have it here, at our house. Jackie mentioned, I should tell Adam that I’d volunteered to do that. It was sweet because when I told him, he said, “Absolutely! You want me to grill something for everybody?” He loves that baby, too! We’ll have a birthday party, for a one year old, and then go party at my dad’s house. 😆

My sister took baby Pj over to visit our dad (Poppy), yesterday. I’m in love with this picture.

Pretty smiles for Poppy ❤️

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Raw Thoughts

Chris Webby has several installations of his “raw thoughts”. Not exactly child appropriate, but very good, nonetheless. In my personal opinion.

I’m trying to allow myself to get “raw”. I’m feeling “heavy”, but I haven’t quite given myself permission to get a good look at the shadow that’s been following me around. I’m a grown ass woman, but I still sometimes get the feeling there’s a monster under my bed. I will stand several steps back, and jump into the bed. Imagine that feeling, and choosing to stand next to the bed, bend down, and peer underneath it, knowing there’s something there. It’s like that, for me, acknowledging some of the things that I know are lingering around me. Easier to just close the door and walk away. I don’t need to go in that room anymore, anyway…right?

I wrote the above, a few days ago. There’s no real “conclusion”. I still wanted to share it, anyway.

Last night, Adam and I were goofing around. I said something smart ass-ish, and he lifted me over his shoulder, intending to flip me over, on our bed. Neither of us was angry. We just like to wrestle around and be silly. Unfortunately, I overcorrected, attempting to land on my back, rather than my belly, and I landed on our bed in a way that hyperextended my neck. I heard the loudest crrrrack. For a moment, I thought, “oh my God…did I just break my neck?!” Adam was freaking out. He was super worried about me, and he felt absolutely terrible. To the point, he was very angry with himself. My neck is relatively fine, though. I just have, what’s commonly known as, “whip lash”. To top that off, like an idiot, I took an Aleve, hoping to relieve the ache. I am not really supposed to take nsaids, due to my chronic stomach ulcers. I can get away with taking a very occasional, small dose, but it was a dumb thing to do, considering I’m currently battling an ulcer. I wound up with horrible belly pain, for several hours. After taking just about every one of my medications meant for treating the stomach pain I get, I’m finally feeling a lot better. Jackie rubbed some cream on my neck for me. It has CBD in it. It helped my neck a ton! It’s been a long last night and day today, though. I’m sleepy.

I remembered to get the roast in the crockpot, for supper tonight. I’ve got carrots and potatoes cooking along with it. Adam is checking on me every hour, on the hour. I assure him I’m alright. He got me a Diet Mt Dew, to drink. I almost never drink soda. Ice water is my favorite drink. Specifically, crushed ice with tap water. That, and coffee. A Diet Mt Dew sounded good, to me, so he got me whole case of them.

Our daughter is learning to twirl, throw, and dance with flags. They call it “color guard”, but I’m not sure if that’s what it’s called everywhere? Our son is fixing to start baseball practice. Wrestling season has come to its end. His elbow is all healed, and back to normal.

I think that’s about all the excitement, for today.

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One whole Hundred K?!

Y’all, I hit 100,000 views, on my blog, today. I didn’t start out intending to be seen or heard. I have continued to only write my story. I know some days are not the most interesting, but it’s my life. This blog has been like therapy, for me. It’s helped me to process and get through a lot. To everyone who’s contributed to my views, I truly hope it blesses you, even in some small way. It touches me, when I see comments from people saying they can relate. Or, from folks who simply leave words of encouragement. I have some “regulars”, who I feel I’ve gotten to know here. I worry, when I haven’t heard from them in awhile. Thank you to anyone who’s reading this. Thank you for supporting me in this journey. It really does mean a whole lot to me ❤️

There’s still plenty of story yet to tell here. I appreciate all of y’all.

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Don’t Tread on Me

“Don’t tread on me. Those are words that I stand by homie. It doesn’t mean I’m gangster. It doesn’t mean I’m country. It means that my life is in my hands only”… “That’s dandy and fine if you trust Uncle Sam, but I for one, fuckin’ don’t”….

~The Real Samson

I’m so sick and tired of seeing our media tell us lies. They keep us all so busy arguing over things that don’t matter, and then we’re too busy to notice the real bullshit they’re doing. It’s on both political sides. All I want to do is live my life, the way me and my family decide. We’re not hurting anyone. I respect everyone’s right to do the same. We don’t have to all look, think, feel, speak, love, or hate the same things. I’m just exhausted by the back and forth. It’s literally all we see on TV. It’s all we hear on the radio, podcasts. It’s plastered all over social media. My damn Alexa show scrolls “news” on the screen, all day long. It’s become inescapable. I’m gonna sound like a hippie here, but why can’t we just spread a little more love? At the very least, less hate. The vitriol that’s poured into our ears and minds, on a constant basis, it’s driving us all insane. Anyway, rant over.

Jackie and I did hang out, in my kitchen, last night. It was exactly what I needed. Her boyfriend came by, later in the evening. I really like him. He’s a great guy. He wants the same things Jackie does. I love seeing this finally happen for her. It’s an extra bonus that Adam has become friends with Justin. We can all hang out and have a lot of fun.

It’s chilly here, today. Only about 44 degrees. The sun is fighting with the clouds. It peeks out, occasionally, and then the clouds quickly recover the light and warmth it’s attempting to shed on us. The wind is blowing the wind chime I have hanging under our deck. I can’t hear that sound, and not think of the movie “Twister”. Still, I think it’s beautiful. I’m struggling to find much motivation. There’s a basket of clean laundry, that needs folding. I should vacuum the floors. I’m very “orderly”. I can’t stand having dishes in the sink, or beds unmade. I like everything to be in its place. I can be very particular about that. Chairs must be pushed in, under the table. The couch pillows go a specific way. My keurig coffee maker gets pushed into the corner of the counter, just so. I can always recognize when someone’s messed with my things, too. I know where everything goes.

Adam has been incredibly busy, at his new location. He’s taken on more responsibilities, here. He says he’s enjoying it, but I don’t hear from him as much. It isn’t even the busy season. He’s involved in the construction industry. He doesn’t build things. He just moves things, organizes, schedules, and manages other people and things. This time of year is typically slower. The economy also plays a big role in how busy his company is. We hardly saw him, through 2018 and 2019.

I suppose I’ll go fold and put away this pile of laundry staring at me, insisting I put it where it goes.

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Easy Quesadillas

You’ll need:

Soft tortillas (I use the large ones)

Shredded cheese (I use “fiesta” or “taco” blends)

Chicken breasts

Fajita sauce (I buy it pre made, or in packets that you mix with water)

Optional: chopped green peppers, red peppers, jalapeños, onions

I boil the chicken breasts until they’re tender and come apart easily. Drain the water. Shred the chicken breasts. I just use 2 forks to pull the chicken apart.

Mix shredded chicken and fajita sauce together in a pan. Simmer for 15-20 min.

Lay out one tortilla. Spread some chicken, cheese, and any veggies you like over it. Top with another tortilla. Heat over medium low on a square griddle, until cheese is melted. This takes 3-5 min.

Slice your quesadilla with a pizza cutter, like you’d cut a pizza. Repeat with as many quesadillas as you’d like to make. Serve with guacamole, sour cream, taco sauce…whatever y’all prefer!

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Heartless

I was having a rough afternoon, yesterday. I’m not prepared to get much into it, but it has to do with my mother. My mother and someone else who I love so fiercely. I’m struggling internally, with how to move forward, with this girl, now that she’s built a “relationship” with my mother. I cannot let my mother worm her way into my family’s lives. I can’t have her gathering information about our lives, that Adam and I have decided she is no longer privy to. At the same time, I can’t turn my back on this girl. I won’t do it.

I’m not cold hearted. Making the choice to remove my mother from our lives, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When I make a decision, I mean it, though. I can’t imagine going through this again. It’s just hard. Really, really hard.

I woke up, during the night, with a horrible stomach ache. I’m not sick. Emotional pain and stress manifest into physical aches, for me. I also have a condition which gives me chronic ulcers, in my stomach. I started a two week course of medications, today. Hopefully they’ll help get my belly to feeling better.

I intended to have a roast slow cooking, for supper tonight, but I forgot about it. It’s too late now. I’ve got leftover shredded chicken I had made, for chicken Alfredo, last night. I’m going to just go ahead and make some quesadillas, instead.

I turned on my little bose speaker, and I’m playing some music. I have lots of playlists. The one I’m currently listening to is titled, “shower songs”. It’s full of songs that make me happy. Jackie is going to be here, soon. Maybe we can have one of our “kitchen dates”. Just sit around and talk about any and everything. Throw in some laughter. Sometimes, some tears. It always helps, though.

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Can You Hear Me Now?

Jackie was given a survey, from the shipping company, where we returned the items she had, very cheaply, purchased. The first question was, What was your reason for visiting our store today? I told her to put down, Returning stolen goods. 😆💁‍♀️

It’s just in my nature to be a smart ass. I have a hard time controlling that part of me.

I honestly think I get more sarcastic, when I’m struggling not to feel sad or angry. I’d prefer to laugh, than cry. I have this idea that, I look stronger, if I come off “bitchy”, than if I show my injury to people. Like, if I share my weak spots with someone, they’ll now know exactly where to kick me. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to expose myself. I’m afraid to rip the bandage off of a bleeding wound, revealing its existence. What if they pour salt on it? It already hurts so much. I can’t risk more pain. I’m recognizing this fear that I have. I can’t say that I was particularly aware of it, before. I suppose I must’ve made this pattern, in my behavior, obvious to those around me. It’s just, I’ve never looked at it, myself.

I’m having a hard time with someone I love, very much. Someone I’ve never written about. She matters to me, though. I’m helpless, as I watch her seek comfort in someone who has done nothing but hurt everyone else around them. It’s heartbreaking. She’s grown. I can’t forbid her. I have to sit back, and wait for this person to give her the kind of wounds I’m still doing my best to cover with bandages. It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated. I don’t love her any less, because of the things she’s doing. She’s searching for someone to love her. I get it. I know the feeling all too well.

Why is it, when you’re young, you feel as if no one is listening to you? But, when you’re grown, you’re desperate for someone to tell you what to do? I wish she could hear me. I’m listening. I’m searching for a way to tell her the truth. She neither talks to me, nor listens. All I can do is wait. I pray she finds me again.

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Playing With Fire

I neglected to mention something that happened, Friday night. We went to bed around 10:30, because Adam had to work Saturday morning. As we were brushing our teeth, Adam said something to me. I can’t remember what. I wasn’t seriously angry. I replied, “you can fuck right off.” Adam reached over, and smacked my ass. For some reason, I decided to continue to challenge him. I repeated, “fuck off.” Again, smack. This back and forth continued, several more times. I finally had to give in, when I recognized that I was never going to win this one.

I woke up, during the night, with a very sore behind. Even while we sat at the table, on Saturday night, playing games, I couldn’t stay comfortable. Adam ended up bringing me a pillow to sit on. While we were in the shower, on Sunday, he spun me around, so he could see what my butt looked like. There are marks leftover. I turned back around, and told him to “stop admiring his work.” I was also soooo sore, from the “rage room” the previous day. Adam pulled me into his arms. He insisted, he does not enjoy giving me a sore behind. He told me, he doesn’t feel sorry for spanking me, but he feels sorry that he had to do it. He says he will not let me talk to him like that. I guess he means it.

I grew up watching my mother treat my dad like an accessory. I saw her control his entire world, easily. I know how easy it can be, to manipulate a man who genuinely loves you. That’s a dance, most all women learn to perform. I don’t actually want to be able to do it, though. I find indescribable comfort in knowing that Adam will not, in fact, fall for my bullshit. I never intend to be malicious. It’s almost an unconscious thing. I am well aware that I wield a significant amount of power, in our relationship. Adam would do just about anything, if I asked him in the right way. I honestly believe love is a dangerous game for a man to play with a woman. I have to possess a fairly significant amount of trust, in my husband. I have to always know, without a doubt, that he will never harm me. His strong hands could literally squeeze the life from me in seconds. He won’t do that, though. In that same sense, Adam must have an equally significant trust, in me, because I could drain the life from him, too. Maybe not with my hands, but with my choices in words, my attitude, my tone of voice. His “evil”, would land him in handcuffs. My “evil” would either leave him trapped in a miserable marriage, or divorced. Spending every other weekend with his children, while I live off of alimony and child support, in the house he’s still paying for. I think we all know that somewhere inside of us, there’s a certain amount of “evil”, which we are vaguely aware of, but also know we must contain, lest we end up alone and unloved. Maybe it’s wiser to make sure we’re acquainted with the evil that resides inside us? Maybe that’s what love is? Calling out each other, when their “evil” is showing.

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Chess Pie

Someone requested that I share some desert recipes. This is a very popular one, here! You’ll need:

Unbaked pie crust

1 Cup granulated sugar

1 Cup brown sugar

Pinch of salt

2 Tbs flour

5 eggs

2/3 Cup buttermilk

1/2 Cup unsalted butter

1 tsp. vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350. Mix sugars, salt, and flour in a large mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk the eggs, buttermilk, melted butter, and vanilla. Add to the dry ingredients, and whisk until creamy. Pour filling into pie crust. Bake for 50 minutes.

And there you have it. A rich, delicious, southern pie 😉

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Recovering

Jackie and I had a blast, yesterday! She took me to this local place that has a “rage room”. We got to use bats and crowbars to smash bottles, TVs, boards. We had 20 minutes to “rage”. It was really really fun!

Adam and Justin grilled their marinated ribs and a few steaks. I had made potato salad, and some baked beans. Supper was delicious. Later, we played some games. One called “stir the pot”, and another called “tell me without telling me”. It gets silly!

Can’t remember what they were trying to act out here, but the picture makes me laugh!

Both Jackie and I woke up, this morning, soooo sore! Hitting something as hard as you can for 20 whole minutes turns out to be one hell of a work out. My daughter says we look like old ladies, walking around moaning and holding our backs. It’s worth it, though. That was an amazing experience. We’re definitely doing that again!

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Making The Hard Choice

There’s an interesting dichotomy, to my relationship, with Adam. On one hand, I do get very turned on, when he slaps my ass. I love the random smacks across my backside. When it comes to a serious spanking, I don’t enjoy it. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate it. I wouldn’t say that I want those, though. If I’m honest, I don’t even prefer getting a spanking, over the alternative. The alternative being, we argue, ignore one another, hurl insults, and ultimately, never really resolve the problem. Of course, I do not want that! Is it the easy choice, to accept having my husband hold me down and spank me until he’s satisfied I’ve learned my lesson? No. That isn’t easy. If you were to ask me, in the moments before Adam comes home, when I know I’m in for it, I would absolutely say that I’d prefer not to get spanked. When I’m rational, reasonable, and calm, I know damn well that submitting to my husband, and accepting discipline sometimes, is the better choice. I do know that. I do understand it. That’s the hard choice. I’ve made the hard choice, to give over a significant amount of control, to my husband. I’ve done it, because I trust him. I’ve done it, because it works. I’ve done it, because I feel “lighter”, knowing he’s got me.

It isn’t easy, to quit fighting for the “steering wheel”. It isn’t fun, getting called out, when I screw up. It isn’t about those things, though. The whole process, it’s a learning and growing experience. Adam “steers the wheel” even better, the more I stop fighting him for it. I feel safer, and most content, when I’m not fighting him for control. Does that mean it’s easy? Absolutely not. It’s just right, for us. It works.

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Millionaire

“They say love is more precious than gold. It can’t be bought, and it can’t be sold. I got love, and love to spare. That makes me a millionaire…” ~Chris Stapleton

Adam and I are going out to eat with Jackie and Justin (new guy), tonight. When we get back home, Justin and Adam are marinating some ribs. They’re going to smoke them for supper, tomorrow. When I told the kids they would be having a “fend night”, because daddy and I are going out to eat, they were so sweet! Mj was excited her mama and daddy are getting out. She is always getting on us about going out more often. They won’t be unsupervised, while we’re gone, but our son is always down to make the popcorn and help get a movie night set up. He was checking our popcorn kit, making sure we had everything he needs.

Looks like we’re stocked up!

Jackie has set up a secret special “date” for her and I, tomorrow. I’m told to dress comfortably, and be ready to go before 2:00pm. I have a vague idea that it’s about “healing” from past experiences. I just don’t know what exactly we’re doing??

My sister and baby Pj came over, yesterday. I snuggled the baby, while my sister and I chatted. The kids were very excited to see their baby cousin was here, when they got home from school. Both my daughter and my son are just in love with her! I see the “gentle” in my son, when he’s holding the baby. It’s the most precious thing! I wish I’d have taken pictures.

Jackie has a new job lined up already. She’s a real good worker. Everybody loves her. Even her old supervisor told her, she couldn’t believe they went so hard on her about the discounts, because they all do it!? No matter now. She’s still going to be doing similar work, for a different company. Adam always says I’d make a great lawyer. I am very good at forming impenetrable arguments! In another life, where it wasn’t most important for me to be here for my family, I’d have definitely been a defense attorney. I’m just not looking to be anywhere but home, when my babies need me, or when Adam is here. I’m not disappointed in myself, that I didn’t choose a career. Jackie’s dream is to be a wife and mama, much like I’m able to be. I really love that Justin is looking for the same things. I truly hope this guy works out. He seems like the best fit!

I suppose I’ll get my eggs steaming, so I’ve got hard boiled eggs ready to add to the potato salad I’m making, for tomorrow. I’m also going to try to make myself look especially cute, before we go out, tonight. Jackie and I will probably get ready together. Today feels like it’s flying by!

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Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Time

This song is by “Panic at the Disco”. Jackie and I use this song to describe our youth, together 😆

We have known each other for about 20 years. There’s a lot of stories to tell. We’ve had so much fun. We’ve found some trouble. We’ve had some rough times. We’ve always found our way back to each other, though. She really is the kind of best friend who’s more like a sister. I love her to death. She’s my “ride or die” girl.

Jackie’s 18th Birthday Party
We took a “girls trip”. Our flight was delayed, so we killed time, before our flight, at a thrift store.
Painting Mj’s nursery, before she was born ❤️
The night we met our old neighbors. He had a pool. We borrowed swimming trunks 💁‍♀️
Sam Hunt concert in 2019. This picture makes me miss having bangs. Maybe I should try it again?
“Booze cruising”, right after Adam got his last pick up truck. We had to go test it out! Adam and I “broke it in”, after we dropped off our friends.

We’re real people. This is the real story. These are real shenanigans, real pain, real laughter, real life. I told Jackie I wanted to make a post like this, so she sent me a whole bunch of our old pictures. I can always count on her to have our memories saved somewhere!

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Cube Steaks

I’m pretty sure the way I make these, is very typical. I just put about 1 cup of flour into a mixing bowl. Mix in some salt and pepper with the flour. Cover each of the cube steaks in the flour mixture. Fry them in a pan with oil over medium high heat, just browning the tops. A few minutes on each side. Put the steaks into a 9×13 pan. Top with beef gravy and some onion. Bake at 300 for about an hour. They come out so tender and perfect!

I’m making macaroni and cheese, and some green beans, for sides. This is supper at our house!

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Sassy AND Submissive?

The other night, after the spanking was over and it was time for Adam and I to take a shower, I got just a little sassy. I rolled my eyes. Adam didn’t appreciate it. He gave me one quick smack, on my ass, and told me I can answer him with yes and no sir, for the rest of the week. I wasn’t quite sure if he meant always I needed to do it, or just when it makes sense. It’s hard to explain the “rules” in the southern part of the United States, but you just grow into them, understanding how they work. You say yes sir and no ma’am, but not necessarily every time you’re talking to someone. So, yesterday evening, Adam had called me. We talked for a few minutes. He had asked me if I was still making ziti for supper. I was in a good mood, and I happily said, “Yep!” He teased me, that I hadn’t said “sir”, just then. At least, I assumed he was teasing. We had a perfectly pleasant conversation, but after we hung up, I started to question myself. Was he kidding with me? So, I text him. I asked if he was really serious? He replied, “you’re good 😉. Thank goodness!

Later, after Adam was home, I got to wondering. I wondered which of my “personalities” he prefers. I don’t have multiple personalities, but I do have different “moods”, like most everyone does. Different situations call for different responses. Although, I’m one of those weirdos who will crack a joke at a funeral.

It honestly surprised me the way Adam answered my texted question! I had to ask some more about it, when we got in the shower. He explained that, when I bring out my attitude, shortly after I’ve been in trouble, it looks like I don’t appreciate the seriousness. I get that, but the reason I get silly, is because I’m nervous or sad. I understand that he wishes I would be a little more “contrite”, after I’ve screwed up. I don’t exactly know why I react the way I do? I learned that I need to work harder to show Adam that I understand the gravity of a situation. I’ve decided I will try to incorporate more respect for my husband, even in my sass.

After this really great talk, I had asked Adam a question. I was frustrated that he didn’t take me seriously. I said “forget it”, in a very bitchy tone. Next thing I knew, his hand had connected with the spot where my upper thigh meets my behind. The spot that, when spanked, will instantly make me drop to the floor, in a desperate attempt to avoid any further ouch. As I knelt, on the shower floor, I looked up at Adam. My eyes asked the question my mouth hadn’t formed yet. What the hell? Adam reached his hand down, to help me back up. He told me not to get an attitude. I was getting an attitude.

It will be a very difficult weekend, if I can’t contain my inner bitch. We have plans for Friday evening, Saturday afternoon, and Saturday evening. We’ll be spending lots of time with friends. It appears that I have a challenge ahead of me. I understand why Adam is demanding my compliance, here. I know he wants me to accept that I screwed up, and I need to remember that. Every time I want to be sassy, and I can’t, I’m reminded. He doesn’t want to be grumpy with me. He just wants to know that I took him seriously. He’s sort of requiring me to remain in the the same “submissive mindset” that I am, when I’m in trouble with him. He’s in charge, and I need to recognize that, even when we’re not in “his office”.

It’s a beautiful day, here! The sun is shining brightly. It’s only mid 60s, but it feels comfortable. Adam’s in a really good mood. His transfer here has been completed. They wanted him to take a week to decide if he wanted to stay at the office here. He loves it. The other branch offered him several perks, to go back, but he refused. I’m so happy to have him this much closer to home!

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Sentenced to a Spanking

It was only Adam’s second day, at this office, and he ended up working late, last night. He didn’t get home until after 7:00pm. The kids had already eaten supper. I couldn’t eat. The kids were downstairs playing ping pong, while I watched and waited for Adam to get here. It was honestly a relief, when I finally saw his truck pull in our driveway.

Even when he’s upset with me, Adam always strolls into the kitchen, and gives me his sideways grin. You’d think it was an ornery type of smile, if I didn’t know better. I smile when I’m nervous. Adam smiles when he’s keeping himself calm, and holding back something. We obviously have “real” smiles, most always. These smiles, last night, were not them, though. He looked at me. I blurted out, “Jackie went out to eat with new guy. The kids are downstairs, playing ping pong.” I went on, “New guy brought Jackie beer. He took her out to eat. How’s come Jackie gets beer and food and I’m in trouble?” Adam replied, “Jackie isn’t really my concern, right now. And, besides, give them some time. Remember when [you did the first really stupid thing, after we’d just started dating]?” He was referring to an incident, years ago. He did not punish me, that time. I wasn’t getting a “get out of jail free card”, this time.

Adam pointed towards our bedroom, and said, “let’s go”. I put my head down, and walked to our bedroom, with Adam following closely. He shut and locked our door. There wasn’t much conversation. He just bent me over our bed, pulled my pants down, and spanked me. I’ve only had one spanking worse than the one I received last night. After a round of perfectly aimed swats landed on my backside, he paused. Then, he began to lecture me about how irresponsible I had been. He still worried there could end up being some form of legal trouble, at least for Jackie. I should’ve used my better judgement, and never gone along with our stupid plan. After he’d finished lecturing me, he put me back over our bed, and gave me a whole new round of very attention getting swats.

Adam held me in his arms, while I clung tightly to him. He reassured me that he loves me, and there’s nothing I could ever do to change that. He came out to the kitchen, to grab his supper. He told me to eat, too. I couldn’t eat, though.

I had told Jackie I would text her when it was “safe” to come back home. She and new guy walked in, shortly after I sent her the “all clear” message. Adam was sitting in the living room, and Jackie walked over to him. She asked him if he was mad at her? Adam told her no. She asked him if he’s disappointed in her. He said yes. She got teary eyed, and Adam gave her a hug. New guy cheered everyone up. He is a really good man. We all talked for awhile, and the mood was much better, all around.

When we went to bed, Adam started to run his hands over my body. As he began to remove my shirt, I asked him to love me. He gently replied, “What do you think I’m doing?” Then, he made love to me. I slept in his arms, although I had to stay on my belly. My behind still hurts.

Jackie and I are heading over to ship this damned box of crap back to the company.

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Lucy & Ethel Go To Jail…

Jackie and I did something incredibly stupid. Last Friday, Jackie was informed that the account she handles is being transferred to another country, to save the company money. She was salty about it. They sell some expensive ass shit, and she had the ability to give out discounts and free shipping. She had something she’s been wanting, and we decided I would “call in” and order it through her. She ended up adding on something for me, and for my sister. She heavily discounted this stuff. Well, it arrived this afternoon, and almost immediately after, Jackie got a call from their headquarters. She was in big trouble. She heavily discounted these things, and they caught on. She’s sending everything back now. They threatened her with “fraud” charges. It was scary! We already spoke with our attorney, who was very reassuring, but still…

I had to tell Adam about all of this. He was not impressed. After I laid it all out, I didn’t hear from him for awhile. I ended up texting, please talk to me. He responded, can’t right now, I’m too pissed. I knew then, I was in for it. I proceeded to send him a string of texts explaining my side. He said, We will discuss this when I get home. I asked if that meant we will talk about it, or we’re going to “his office”. His response,

Jackie’s new guy friend came by and picked her up. They went driving around, went out to eat, and killed time while I wait for Adam to get home. My daughter asked me, “Soo, should we stay upstairs for awhile, when Daddy gets home?” The kids know Jackie and I screwed up!

Y’all, I haven’t been in this much trouble for such a long time! I’m just anxiously awaiting Adam’s arrival home now…

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Castles

This title is a Tom MacDonald song 🙂

Adam made it home at 5:25pm, last night! We had so much more time together. Our evening wasn’t rushed. I love it!

I shared my post, from yesterday morning, with Adam. He was sitting on the couch, and I was in the kitchen, when I sent it. He didn’t text anything back. He just walked into the kitchen, smacked my butt, and spun me around so he could kiss me. When we went to bed, he immediately began to remove my clothing. As we lay together, in the afterglow, I asked him, “did my blog post turn you on?” He replied, “uh, yea.Obviously.” Then, he told me that his favorite part was reading about how much I love him. He said that it’s the sexiest thing to know that he turns me on so much. I looked up at him and said, “uh, yea. Obviously.” ❤️

My kids were out of school, yesterday. This morning, I got a text and phone call, from the school’s automated system, announcing there would be no school today, either. A water main broke, so there’s no school all over our county. I had intended to get laundry done today, but we’re supposed to be conserving water, so I guess it’ll have to wait until tomorrow. The sun is shining. It’s going to be low 70’s for highs, this afternoon. It’s already 62 degrees. I’m thinking of taking my kiddos and going for a hike, later. There are some really great trails, near us. Oliver loves them, too!

Jackie met someone, recently. Adam and I really like him. I say that he “fits into the herd”, here. Easy to talk to. He’s polite. He treats Jackie well, but also has a confidence about him that says, I won’t take your shit. Jackie told me I was right on point, when I tell her that your man won’t “come out of the box” as absolutely everything you’re wanting. If you don’t like his hairstyle, that’s easily changed. If he’s got a bit of a “dad bod”, get a gym membership, bring him to work out with you, and start cooking healthy meals. If the basic needs you’re looking for are there, build on that! He’s coming over, Saturday, and we’re going to marinate and BBQ some ribs. Adam gets along real great with this guy, too. He’s looking forward to us all hanging out. The neighborhood we’re in is still in the process of being built. There’s a fancy looking entrance, with a gate announcing the name of our little cul de sac. We have several streets that are paved, but no houses, yet. We constantly hear the sounds of houses near us being constructed. Jackie and I have this dream, that she could live up the street, and grow her own family. That would be so much fun!

My sister sent me a sweet picture of baby Pj, napping in her crib, for the first time. I’ll end today’s post with some of her cuteness.

Baby Pj
And this is my Mj, when she napped in her crib for the very first time!
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Taco Lasagne

This is a recipe I have perfected, over the years. I have a secret ingredient, that I’m going to share with my friends here in “blogland”.

You’ll need:

2 pounds ground beef or turkey

2 packets taco seasoning

Large soft tortillas

Shredded cheese (I buy the “fiesta” or “taco” blend sold in all the grocery stores here)

Nacho cheese

Lettuce

Diced tomatoes

Tortilla chips

Catalina dressing

Enchilada or taco sauce

To prepare:

Brown ground beef/turkey. Add the taco seasoning, following the directions on the packet. Simmer for a few minutes on low heat. Place one tortilla inside of a baking pan. The pie pans work perfectly, but you could use a square one. I make ours using 2 pie pans. Spread about 1/2 cup of the ground beef onto tortilla. Top with about 1/4 cup of the shredded cheese. Layer on another tortilla. Repeat the beef and cheese. After you’ve got 3-4 tortillas layered in the pan, spread beef and cheese, and add the enchilada sauce and nacho cheese on top, as well. Bake at 350 for about 10-15 minutes. While it’s baking, shred the lettuce and mix it with about 1/2 to 3/4 cup of the Catalina dressing, coating all of the lettuce. Once it’s out of the oven, spread the lettuce and diced tomato over the top. Take a handful of the tortilla chips and crunch them up with your hands. Then spread those over the top. Your taco lasagne is ready to eat! This is Adam’s most favorite thing that I make 😊

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Multiple Orgasms *NSFW*

This one’s not quite the wholesome, innocent, sweet kind of post I usually make. It’s on my mind, this morning, and this is my story to tell. I’ve used my blog like a journal. I am married, after all, and sex is frequent in my marriage. Wanted to give fair warning, though. So, here goes…

Adam and I have some form of sex, most every single day. If I’m on my period, I’ll service my man orally. Occasionally, he decides to use my “back door”. I’m pretty open about my opinion of anal sex, when I talk with my girlfriends. It can actually be really fun! It’s naughty. It feels very different than vaginal sex. It isn’t painful, if done right.

I was fighting off a UTI. If I don’t make myself go pee, after sex, I am in danger of developing one. When I was younger, I had so many UTI’s, I was put on a low dose antibiotic everyday, for 6 months. I miscarried a baby, because of my constant UTI’s. I’ve learned how to (mostly) avoid them. Peeing after sex is a big one. Occasionally, I fall asleep naked, in Adam’s arms, and I don’t make it to the bathroom. This is exactly what happened, this weekend. So, I was drinking lots of water, and doing my best to avoid needing antibiotics.

When we went to bed, I was eager for any form of sexual intimacy, with my husband. I kissed his neck, his chest, his inner thighs, until my mouth found its way to his waiting manhood. When we were finished, I curled up in Adam’s arms, and went to sleep. I was awakened, a few hours later, when I felt him sliding my panties down. He was kissing the back of my neck, while his hands wandered over my body. I purred a little, alerting him that I was now awake. He reached over me, opening the drawer in our nightstand. He pulled out a bottle of lubricant, and readied himself. I moaned, as he began to find his way inside of me. He was “spooning” me, as we lay on our sides. His fingers touched me, moving in exactly the right ways to make me orgasm. I felt him climax. He pulled himself from inside of me, and we went back to sleep.

I woke up with my panties still down to my knees. A reminder of what we had done, hours earlier. We don’t do anal sex very often, which makes it even more of a turn on. I’m already fantasizing about tonight. The UTI has been averted. I’m feeling great. I can’t wait to get my husband between my legs again.

I truly believe good sex is a sure way to keep a relationship strong and healthy. Fourteen years with this man, and I still can’t get enough of him. I love to be wanted. I enjoy giving over my body to this one man. I wasn’t exactly “experienced”, when I met Adam. I lost my virginity to my ex. He was the only other man I’ve ever been with. I feel safe with Adam. His confidence and ability, in the bedroom, have shown me just how much fun sex can be. My comfort in knowing and trusting this man who is taking me, that’s the reason I’m so happily willing to give myself over to him. I’m his. And he’s mine.

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Vienna

“Slow down, you crazy child, take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile. It’s alright, you can afford to lose a day or two…..Slow down, you’re doin’ fine, you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time…..You know you see when you’re wrong, you can’t always see when you’re right….Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true…” ~Billy Joel

Spent the day hanging out with Adam and the kiddos. We got the last of our Christmas decorations packed away, until next year. Everybody pitched in. We organized everything into totes, vacuumed the floors, and put some new things up. I got a Nashville skyline picture, for Christmas. We hung it today.

The middle one needs to come up a little bit…

The kids don’t have school, tomorrow, because it’s a holiday. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Adam will start his first day of work, here. Going from an hour drive, to work, to a ten minute one. Jackie and I plan to take the kids thrift shopping, tomorrow. She wants to find some projects to work on. It’s fun to buy something old and worn, and make it into something beautiful again.

The sun is shining. It’s only in the 50’s, so not particularly warm out, but the sun feels good. Adam grilled some hotdogs and brats, last night. We used chili and some nacho cheese, to make chili dogs. Tonight, I’m making some homemade cheeseburger macaroni. I realize, I make things with cheese a lot! We do love our pastas and cheese, here at our house. If anyone is interested in the cheeseburger mac recipe, I’ll share it here.

1 pound ground beef or turkey

Minced onion

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon garlic powder

2 cups water

2 cups elbow macaroni noodles

1 cup processed cheese (like Velveeta)

I just brown the ground beef/turkey with the minced onion. Add the garlic and onion powder. Then add water and macaroni noodles. Turn heat to high and boil for about 11 minutes. Reduce heat to low, add cheese, and stir until cheese is melted. Wah-Lah!

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The Good Ones

“You’ll know him when you see him by the way he looks at me. You’d say he hung the moon, I’d say he hung the galaxy….A love me like he should one. Like he wrote the book one. The kind you find when you don’t even look one. Anybody can be good once, but he’s good all the time. He’s one of the good ones, and he’s all mine…We should all find us one. They’re out there, minus one.”

I truly believe Adam and I were made for each other. I could never find another Adam. God knows, there ain’t a replacement for me, either! I’m sure I’m one of a kind, for good or bad.

When I’ve talked with friends, about men, I often tell them, “Do you think Adam came out the box like this?!” It takes a lot of time, work, devotion, and love, to get there. Adam and I are certainly not perfection! When my friends complain that they haven’t found their “Adam”, though, I have to take the time to explain, this don’t happen overnight. We know each other, inside and out. Through trial and error, we’ve learned what works, and what doesn’t. We’re still learning about each other. I think that’s what commitment and marriage is. Promising to continue loving, supporting, and learning about one another. When people talk about marriage being work, they’re not kidding! It isn’t always easy. It’s not always glamorous. Sometimes, you look at your spouse and say to yourself, what the hell is wrong with him/her?! Occasionally, a new revelation, about your partner, shakes you. You wonder if you really even know them? I know I’ve done this to Adam. Learning something monumental, about someone’s past, does not mean they’re not the same person, standing in front of you. I’ve had times, when I’ve told Adam about some part of my past, and I’ve been so afraid that he might look at me differently. Would I be “damaged”, as far as he’s concerned? The truth is, he learns about things, and he understands so much more about the why of it all. He knows me better. He sees that innocence in me, that has been tainted by someone’s cruelty, and then he figures out how to help me handle that shit. I’ve grown so much, because of my husband’s love and support. I’ve shared secrets, with him, that I told myself would stay locked away forever. I’ve discovered, I can open up. He doesn’t judge me. I’m never “too much”.

Most of my life, I pretended. I needed everyone to know me, and see someone who wasn’t damaged. I let everyone believe that my privileged childhood was everything they imagined. To look at the smiling happy faces we wore, and never doubt that it was real. Adam didn’t know who my mother truly was, until the last 3-4 years. Despite my best efforts, the truth came out. Through a mixture of my mother’s brutal words and actions, and my own opening up and sharing my history, Adam and Jackie have learned a lot. It isn’t easy to admit that you’re damaged. It’s hard to explain that the image I had portrayed, for so long, was mostly a fabrication. I’d made my childhood into what I’d wished it had been. I’d painted my mother into someone she never was. I lied. Not out of malice. It was both for self preservation, and to protect my mother. I was deeply bothered at the thought of someone seeing her for who I knew she could be. I so desperately wanted to believe the perfect family I’d described myself growing up in, was real. I think I almost had convinced myself that it was, in fact, real. Her secrets, my secrets, would’ve died with me, having never been unearthed, had she chosen a different path. Had my mother only continued to be the pretend one who everyone else saw, I’d have never told on her. That’s the truth.

For better or for worse, I’ve exposed myself to Adam, and to Jackie. I’ve admitted the things I kept to myself, for so long. There’s more. It’s amazing how many pages of my story there are to read. There are chapters, most of which I’ve shared. There are still some pages I’ve skipped over. I imagine that, with time, my entire story will be known to the people I trust the most. I’m just not the kind of book you can read without the help of someone transcribing it. A mixture of exhaustion, frustration, pain, and trust, are how I’m able to read them my story. The fact that I have people who are willing to stick around for it, that’s what makes me sure I matter. I know I could never have been who I am today, without the love of people like my husband and my best friend. I pray that everyone reading this now, has someone in their life, who they trust to share their story with.

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Reckless

(This is a Seth Anthony song.)

I can pretty much find a song title that I love, to use as a title on any blog post, that suits me. Today, “Reckless” seemed appropriate.

I used to care a whole lot less about my tomorrows. I could be wild and stupid. I’ve cliff jumped, in a rock quarry, where people have died, doing the same thing. I’ve gotten in the passenger seat of cars, driven by people who were in no condition to drive. I’ve rode on the backseat of motorcycles, driven by guys who cared nothing about the laws or speed limits. I had a brand new, V8 Mustang GT, when I was just 18 years old. I don’t even like to admit how fast I found out I could make that car could go…

The moment my first baby was born, I found there was no more reckless within me. Suddenly, I had something to care about, that mattered enough for me to knock off the dumb shit. I’ll be damned if my babies are going to grow up without their Mama! Not if I can help it, anyway. So, it appears those days are long since past. My husband and my babies have “civilized me”. If someone had told me what my life would look like, in my thirties, back when I was reckless, I would’ve laughed in their face. Even though I always knew I wanted this to be my life one day, I never really believed it could be. My family gives me something I didn’t see before. There’s this value, in me, that I didn’t know could exist. It’s amazing that I can matter this much. Knowing that I matter to the people I love, is everything to me, when I’m struggling. To know that there are people who genuinely need me, that makes me press on. I will not fail my family.

That’s not to suggest that I’m perfect. I fuck up. I make my share of mistakes. The difference is, those screw ups matter to me, because they matter to my favorite people. If “my people” disappeared tomorrow, I don’t think I would care anymore. I’m not quite sure if that’s healthy or normal? I just know it’s my truth. I care about my own safety, because I love my family, and they need me. They’re the entire reason I wake up every morning. I don’t wear my seatbelt or take my vitamins, because I give a shit. I do it because they do!

I love my family from the deepest, purest part of my heart. A part of me that I didn’t even know existed, before they did. I have the best time, hanging out with Jackie in my kitchen. I treasure the afternoons, when my kids walk in the door, after school, and they throw their backpacks down, ask me what’s for snack, and hang out with me to chat about their day. I look forward to Adam coming in the door after work, everyday. With those occasional exceptions of nights he’s walking in, and I know I’ve done did it, and he’s going to be calling for a meeting “in his office”. Even then, I always need him to come home. It makes my day, when my Dad texts or calls me, just to check in on me.

I spent my day hanging out with my sister and my niece, Pj. She came over, with the baby, and we hung out, talked, and laughed. I held baby Pj most of the afternoon, except when Adam held her while they took a little nap together, in his chair. It was a lot of fun. My kiddos even had a blast hanging out with their aunt and their newest cousin. I wouldn’t trade days like today, for anything.

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Chili

I got supper started, as soon as my son and I got home. I like to let my chili soup simmer, for a few hours. I don’t make mine very spicy, like some folks do. It’s the recipe my family made, for generations, though.

1-2 pounds of ground beef or turkey. You can also add in cut up pieces of steak.

Minced onion (as much as y’all like.)

4 cans chili beans (I use 1 hot, 1 medium, and 2 mild. I like to use pinto and kidney chili beans, too.)

4 Tbs chili powder

1/4 to 1/3 Cup of granulated sugar (this adds some sweet to the spicy.)

Diced tomato

48-64 ounces tomato juice

Optional: shredded cheese, and/or corn chips, and/or saltine crackers

I use my Ninja cooker from start to finish, with chili. Brown the ground beef/turkey with minced onion. Once that’s cooked, add chili powder, then sugar, then beans, and then tomato juice. I add some diced tomato into our chili sometimes, too. Let it simmer on low heat, for 1-4 hours.

Adam has to have frito corn chips, with his chili. Him and the kids add them into their chili, along with some shredded cheese. I like to add cheese and saltine crackers to my bowl.

Additionally, this is a Midwest thing, I’ve discovered, but we make cinnamon rolls when we have chili. You can dunk your cinnamon roll into your chili. I know it sounds so weird, but if you give it a chance, you won’t regret it!

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Workin’

That’s a song by “Bug Smo”. We made an old TikTok of Adam, with this song playing in the background, during the Covid madness. He was playing with our kids and their toy trucks, on a play mat of pretend highways. It was pretty cute! We teased that he missed his job 😆

Adam is transferring to the office near us, on Monday. I’m so excited he’ll be closer to home! He’s doing the exact same job, for the same company, just much closer to home now. Instead of getting home at 6-7pm, he’ll be walking in between 5-6pm. Instead of leaving home at 5am, he’ll be leaving closer to 6am. I love that he will be around a little more, now!

When we were first married, especially after the babies started coming, I would complain to Adam about being away from home so much. I hated the long hours. I got angry when he missed supper with us. Somewhere, somehow, my mindset changed. I realized that, he isn’t missing time with his family because he wants to! He’s working long hours, because he loves his family. I learned to appreciate the sacrifices he was making. I changed my mindset, so that I understood his better. I supported him in growing his business. I stuck it out. We made it work. With time, he’s been able to be in a position where he brings in a great income, and isn’t away quite as much. Adam has also come to appreciate the value in family time, because I stopped nagging him about it. I want home to be his happy place. I want him to feel love and appreciation from his family. I send him random texts, sometimes. I texted him, yesterday. I sent a screenshot of him leaving our house at 5am, and another of him coming home at 6:30pm, the night before. Our doorbell camera catches him coming and going. I put the two pictures together, and I told him, “This man who leaves before the sun is up, and gets home after it’s gone down, is the reason I’m standing here baking chocolate chip cookies, dancing with my babies, and listening to music in my kitchen, where we’re all warm and dry. I love you”.

Adam has come to know, if I call him, it’s important. I don’t call and bug him all day long, everyday. We text often, but I understand he will respond as soon as he’s able. He always replies as soon as he can. If I call his phone, during work hours, he answers. I only call when I need him now. I don’t nag him about making it home for every little thing. If I do mention something important to me, that he should be here for, he does his absolute best to be here. I’ve learned to “pick my battles”. We’ve come to a place in time, where Adam trusts that, when I tell him something matters, it matters. This arrangement works great, for us. I can’t even remember the last time we argued about him working too much, or missing something important to me.

I wanted to take my son in to see his doctor, yesterday. His elbow injury had started to bruise all down his arm. His PE coach wouldn’t allow him to skip out on any exercises that hurt his elbow, unless we had a doctor’s note. My poor kid couldn’t even do a push up and was getting chewed out by the PE teacher! I expected that we would get him looked at, get a note so he can rest his elbow, and go on our way. I tried to get an appointment yesterday, but couldn’t get him in with the doctor until today. They’d done x rays, last weekend, when the injury happened, but his doctor wanted to do their own. So, we got more x rays done. Imagine my shock, when the doctor came in and announced that “his elbow is busted”!! My son can bend his elbow. He hasn’t complained of pain, other than when he’s putting too much weight on it. He doesn’t screech when we touch him. I was absolutely not expecting to hear that!

We were then sent over to an orthopedic specialist. This office wasn’t able to read the x rays we had just gotten, so had to do their own. We were told that surgery was the most likely outcome, because my son is still growing. They explained a bunch of medical mumbo jumbo, but it sounded like he was going to end up having surgery. To my complete surprise, their x rays were read, and my son does not, in fact, have a broken elbow! Well, they’re almost certain he doesn’t. They believe that, what looked like a broken elbow, is actually just his growth plates. They are still not fused together, the way an adult elbow would be. Therefore, what looks like pieces of a broken elbow, is likely just his growth plates. They applied a fresh ace bandage to his elbow, and made an appointment for us to come back in two weeks. The doctor said, if something they aren’t seeing does happen to be broken, they will be able to see it starting to heal, when we come back. Needless to say, it was a hell of a day!

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Ham & Cheesy Potatoes

This is an easy supper! I have lots of potatoes left, so I’m peeling and slicing potatoes to use for tonight’s supper. All you need is

4-6 medium/large potatoes (I just have the plain ol’ Russet Idaho potatoes)

Diced ham

About 1/3 of a 32oz box of velveeta cheese. For my non American friends, I would recommend any cheese you prefer that will melt nicely together with the potatoes.

1 stick of butter

I peel and then dice each of the potatoes into about 8-10 pieces. I like to spray the baking pan with non stick cooking spray, to prevent the potatoes sticking to the pan. Put your diced potatoes into 9×13 baking pan. I cheated, and bought pre diced ham. When I’m using leftover ham, I just cut it into pieces myself. I slice the stick of butter into 12-16 pieces. Mix the ham, butter, and cheese into potatoes. Cover. Bake at 375 for about an hour.

Yum 😋

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You Are Loved

(This title is a Christian song, by “Stars Go Dim” 😉

I shared my last post with Jackie. This was some of our text messages, after.

This morning, as I waited in the pharmacy drive thru, I got a random text from my Dad.

I’m not alone. There are great people, who truly care for me. I know this, and I spend most of my time focusing on these people. There are just some hard days. I can’t help feeling sad for who isn’t here, sometimes. As a mother myself, it’s so impossible for me to understand how my mother doesn’t see me the way I look at my babies? I tell them all the time, if they could look in the mirror, and see themselves the way I do, they would never have a second of doubt. They’re beautiful, inside and out. When they hurt, I hurt. When they do something amazing, I’m so proud. When they need a hug, or some reassurance, I’m here. I’m not a perfect mama. My babies know how loved they are, though. They will never have to doubt their mama’s love for them, ever. I will not let myself become my own mother. She has definitely helped to motivate me, to be the very best mama that I can be. Missing out on some important things a child is supposed to get from their mother, that’s made me hyper aware of what my own children need from me. And, to tell the truth, I hope they grow up taking it all for granted. I pray that they can grow up and become great parents, spouses, human beings, simply because they don’t know any different.

Adam and I hear all the time, from people, that the way we look at each other is magical. The way we love each other, and our children, is literally felt by the people around us. I couldn’t count how many times I’ve heard our friends tell us they would die to have what we do. It’s not a “show” we’re putting on, here. We argue, sometimes. I know we can seriously piss each other off, but there’s never even a thought about leaving. We’ve never thrown out the “D word” (divorce). It isn’t even an option. Even when we’re angry, it’s because we love each other. I want our children to grow up with memories about how amazing their childhood was. I hope they can always look back and see all of the love.

You ARE loved ❤️
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Everything Changes

~ “If you just walked away, what could I really say? And would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel?”…. “I am the mess you chose. The closet you cannot close. The devil in you I suppose, because the wounds never heal.”… “But everything changes, if I could turn back the years, if you could learn to forgive me, then I could learn to feel.” ~

I know that song is written more about a failed romantic relationship, but it also makes me think of my mother. These lyrics speak to my soul. A lot of different song lyrics can do that to me. Music is a big part of how I express myself. It can be a huge “release”, when I’m full of pent up emotion. It can express words I’m not yet able to form for myself, in the moment.

I still consider reaching out to my mother. I’ve thought of writing her a letter. Then, I think of how that worked out when I was a child. She threw away letters I’d written, without even reading them. She read one poem I wrote her, on Mother’s Day, when I was about 10 years old, and she never stopped making fun of me about how dumb the rhymes were. I never wrote her any poems, after that. I imagine writing a heartfelt, emotional letter. I picture myself addressing it. Applying a stamp in the right corner. I would carefully put it in my mailbox slot, with the flag up, alerting the mail carrier to take my letter. It would travel several states, until finally, it landed in her mailbox. She would see it was from me, her oldest daughter. In my fantasy, she would excitedly open it, and read my words. She’d have tears in her eyes, as she felt and understood my words. She would feel something. Sorry? Maybe she would miss me? Or, maybe she might sit and write me back a truly heartfelt expression of her feelings. She might describe a version of her story that could help me to understand her. Words that I could read that would give me a sense of security, that she does love me. At the very least, some closure.

My realist brain is aware of how this would actually play out. I’d spend days pouring my heart and soul into a letter to my mother. She would see it in her mailbox. She’d probably open it, because her curiosity wouldn’t be able to prevent that. She would probably laugh at me. Then, if I heard anything back, it would be hateful. She would rip my heart into pieces even smaller than she already has made it into.

Adam, my beautiful babies, Jackie, my Dad, my sister…they have helped me to put the pieces back together. If you imagine a torn piece of paper. You could glue or tape it back together. The image is still there, but there’s marks where it’s been ripped apart. The tape is showing, where it’s been pieced back together. You can still see the original drawing, but you also know it’s been damaged, and repaired. I can’t allow myself to give my mother the opportunity to damage my picture anymore than has already been done. For this reason, I simply hang onto the fantasy. It helps me to get through, on the tough days.

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Homemade Meatballs

My family love when I make my meatballs for supper. I’m not a big measurer. I kind of just throw things together, but I’ll do my best to guesstimate the amounts here!

2 pounds ground beef or turkey

1 cup breadcrumbs

1/2 cup of milk

1 egg

BBQ sauce (our favorite is “Sweet Baby Rays”)

Grape jelly

Mix the ground beef, bread crumbs, milk, and egg in a bowl. Shape into round meatballs. I usually make my meatballs pretty small, but you can do them however size you like. Place your meatballs in a large baking dish. Mix equal parts grape jelly and BBQ sauce. I’d say it’s about 1/2 cup grape jelly and 1/2 cup BBQ sauce. Pour your jelly and BBQ sauce mixture over meatballs. Bake at 350 for about an hour.

I’m making mashed potatoes, to go with. I peel my potatoes, boil them, mash them with a hefty amount of butter and some milk. I also like to throw in some cream cheese. It makes your mashed potatoes sooo yummy!

I also had some bread dough I shaped into small rolls and let rise, this afternoon. I’m going to make that into our dinner rolls.

This is tonight’s supper, at our house 😊

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Charm ‘Em

Yesterday evening, I was talking to Adam. He was heading home from work, and I told him I needed to call the billing department at our daughter’s doctor’s office tomorrow. Several weeks ago, I’d gotten a bill claiming we owed money for her visit’s copay. I knew I’d paid her copay. I always do, before we even go back to see the doctor. I emailed them two separate statements of proof that it had come out of our bank account. It was only $25, but it was the principle of it that made me fight. The lady I’d spoken to had been an arrogant bitch, so that had me arguing even louder. Well, we got another statement, in mid December, again claiming we owed this $25. Adam wanted me to just go ahead and pay it. I wasn’t willing to give in, though. I assured him that I’d handle it. Then, the holidays and all the craziness that those bring, came along. I kind of just pushed it aside. I realized that I am going to need to schedule our daughter an appointment to see her doctor soon, and it reminded me that I needed to get back in touch with their billing department. When I mentioned all of this to Adam, he said “damn it, Eve, that’s a spanking”. He told me that should’ve been taken care of by now. While I hear what he’s saying, I still felt frustrated because that wasn’t my fault they couldn’t get their shit together!

Adam walked in the door just as I was putting supper into the oven. He scooped me up, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me into our bedroom. He spanked me a few times, but he wasn’t seriously angry. He just told me to get it done. Awhile later, when we were in the shower, I’d rolled my eyes at him. He has not been tolerating that, lately! I do it a lot, without even realizing it. This is one thing he’s decided I can’t do to him, anymore. He will instantly give me a hard smack on my behind, when I roll my eyes at him. Besides these little incidents, things have been pretty quiet here.

I got my hair cut today, finally! I was overdue for a haircut. I love the way freshly cut hair feels and looks. I also got the billing situation solved with the doctors office. I put my southern charm on, and I managed to get it figured out, with the help of the woman on the other end of the phone. I was right, I did pay the copay, as I knew I had. It’s settled, thank gosh.

I sent Adam a happy text earlier 😊

Jackie had a rough day, yesterday. We didn’t get to hang out much last night, and I was gone most of this morning, so I finally got a chance to talk with her this afternoon. I’m in a good mood, so I was able to help cheer her up.

I sent this to Jackie, to make her smile 😆
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Runza Casserole

One of my husband’s old friends had a wife from Nebraska. She made this casserole she called “Runza Casserole”. It’s named after a restaurant chain only in Nebraska, or maybe some surrounding states? They have vendors who sell Runzas at the Nebraska Huskers home games, too. Anyway, it’s really good!

Brown 2 pounds ground beef or turkey. Add minced onion. Mix ground beef with about 1 cup of shredded cabbage and 1 cup of mild shredded cheddar cheese. Spread inside a 9×13 baking dish. Top with crescent roll dough. Bake as directed on the crescent dough. It only takes around 15 minutes in the oven. We serve this with onion rings, French fries, or tater tots. I like to add ketchup. Adam adds ranch dressing to everything, including Runza Casserole.

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Real Housewives

Have you ever seen the Real Housewives series? I used to watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I have watched some others, but not very often. I used to like Gretchen, from old RHOC episodes. Most of those middle aged bitches drove me nuts, though! The most self centered, egotistical, fake women. They waste so much time and money simply trying to look better than each other. I have the biggest house. My boat’s bigger. My Rolex has more diamonds. My boob job looks better. It never ends. I have had the misfortune of meeting plenty of women who’d be perfect for a “Real Housewives of Nashville”. I’m just not interested in their ridiculousness. I can’t stand the fake friendliness that exudes from some people. To the point that, I will call it out and make my way to the nearest exit. In my teens and early twenties, I will admit I could be one of the “mean girls”. I’m way past that shit. These people usually wind up with children who act just like their parents. That’s the last thing I want to teach my own kids to emulate. I keep my circle tight. I have plenty of acquaintances, but I only have a handful of real, ride or die, friends. I’m perfectly happy with that. I never have to compete with my friends. We celebrate each other’s successes, grieve each other’s losses. We never brag about our bank account balances. We don’t judge one another based on superficial bullshit that doesn’t really even matter. We’re the “REAL housewives”.

I hate the socialite scene. It’s boring. It’s fake as hell. We all can’t stand each other. My polite wears thin real fast, when I have to participate in one of these “let’s brag about who has what, and gossip about who doesn’t now” events. For this reason, Adam and I rarely go to these kinds of things. We were at a Christmas party, a few years ago, and I met a friend. She doesn’t come from money, fame, or live a life of privilege. She got tired of a woman insulting her, to her face, and she wound up telling this lady off. A fight began, but quickly ended, when their husbands pulled them apart. Adam is friends with her husband, so we walked out with them, while they waited for their car. I met a friend for life, that night! That was a fun party.

I don’t hire a maid or a cook. I enjoy cooking and cleaning, actually! I’ve never had a nanny for my kids. I do my own hair and makeup, most always. I drive myself everywhere, with rare exceptions. Most of my wardrobe is from stores you’d find in a local shopping mall. I’m just not a prissy kind of girl. I like to look pretty. I enjoy dressing up. I just don’t give a crap about what anyone other than my people thinks, when it comes to how I talk, dress, parent my kids, and live my life. Blue collar, “rednecks”, make the best friends you could ever have. And, I couldn’t care less about what “Bimbo Barbie” has to say about it. She can spend her time with people who will never truly care for her. I’ll stay over here drinking a Bud Light with people who would give me their last dollar, if I needed it. Those are my friends.

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The Best Sloppy Joe Recipe

1 pound ground beef or turkey

1 1/2 cups ketchup

1 tablespoon worstershire sauce

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

Brown ground beef/turkey. Stir in remaining ingredients. Cook over medium low heat, stirring occasionally for 10-30 minutes.

(I double, even triple this recipe for my family). I got this recipe from the baseball field’s concession stand, where my brother played baseball, years ago. I loved their “sloppy nachos”. I got in touch with one of the ladies I volunteered in the concession stand with, who gave me their “secret recipe”. When we do “sloppy nachos”, I take tortilla chips, pile on the sloppy joe meat, and top with nacho cheese. Not exactly a “health conscious” meal, but it’s delicious, and my family love it!

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Make Up Sex

It wasn’t the weekend I’d expected. Friday afternoon, our son had a wrestling competition. He got hurt. There was concern he might have broken a rib, at one point. They determined that he was fine, just had gotten the wind knocked out of him. Then, his last match, he hurt his elbow. This time, he wasn’t as lucky. His elbow swelled way up. It was bruised all the way around. Thankfully, nothing is broken, but I insisted that he could not wrestle until his elbow has healed. Our son wasn’t very happy about this. He was crying, so I tried to explain that it’s because I love him, and I don’t want him to hurt himself even worse, if he wrestles again before he’s healed. Adam felt that I was over exaggerating, and argued that “boys get hurt playing sports”. Because this disagreement occurred, right in front of our son, I was really pissed off. It wasn’t even about the issue of whether or not he should wrestle again yet. It was because Adam chose to argue with me, right in front of our son. I felt like it made it seem as if I was just being mean to my son. I would never do or say anything to him out of anything other than love for him! If Adam disagreed, he should’ve done that privately. That’s how I feel, anyway. All of this created a lot of tension and turmoil, all weekend. I gave Adam the “silent treatment”. Our son gave ME the “silent treatment”. It was a mess.

Adam and I were finally able to have a healthy conversation, on Saturday night. He told me his thoughts, I told him mine. In the end, he apologized for doing that in front of our son. He understood why that bothered me so much. I told him that I wouldn’t have been so upset, had he had this discussion with me privately. In the end, we agreed, he should give his elbow time to heal. He could go to the practices as long as he wasn’t participating, until his elbow is better. His darned elbow is still very bruised and swollen. I don’t believe I was wrong! It doesn’t matter now, because we came to an agreement. I was just very angry and hurt that our son had to witness us argue about this. That shouldn’t happen. Him seeing his dad take his side, while I was arguing the other side, made it look like I was being mean to him. That broke my heart. Adam did have a conversation with our son. He told him that his mama loves him and only wants to protect him. That helped, because our son came downstairs and gave me a big hug. Everything was fine by last night.

The kids got this new game, for Christmas, called “The Chameleon”. We played that, yesterday evening. It was a lot of fun! Adam and I have “made up”, too. Bless his heart, he’s having a tough day at work, today. He is always in the top 3 people grossing the company money, every month. The office he’s in doesn’t want to see him go. He will still be with the same company, just a different location, but this branch is struggling with his decision to move. Some of the other guys are starting to panic, now that word has gotten out about his transferring. Adam is feeling both guilty, and ticked off. Guilty for leaving, and angry because some of the guys are so upset, they’re treating him crappy now. His transfer won’t happen for another week or two. In the meantime, these guys need to respect Adam and continue to get the job done. It’s a bit of a mess. I’m sorry for Adam, that some of the guys he considered friends, are so unsupportive. I can’t wait until he’s working closer to home.

I was on my period until Friday evening. That’s the same evening our son got injured. It wasn’t until last night, before Adam and I had our “make up sex”. So, it had been an entire WEEK! Why is that sooo good?! Oh my goshhh. I hate to fight, but I love making up!

I’m fixing my “famous” sloppy joes for supper, tonight. We make sloppy joes and sloppy nachos. My recipe is the best sloppy joe meat ever! (If I do say so, myself 😉) I baked some chocolate chip cookies, this afternoon. This morning, I went with my sister to a local coffee place. We sat inside and drank our coffees, while we chatted for awhile. Pj was with us, too, of course.

❤️

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Heavy

Last night, when Adam got home, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. Then he gave my behind a slap, and spun around in circles, while we both giggled. Not only will he be transferring to the office close to our house, he’ll also be making a significant amount more. I’m sooo happy that it worked out!

We were supposed to be spending this weekend with Adam’s family, but they’ve got influenza now. My poor mother in law sounds miserable. Adam had already taken today off from work, and since our plans didn’t work out, he checked off some of his “honey do” list. He got a lot of things done today that he’s been meaning to. I’m not sure what we’ll do this weekend? Tonight, he’s going to grill us some ham steaks. I’m making “funeral potatoes”, and my lemon and pepper green beans. My family love my green beans! I just boil fresh green beans, add a bunch of butter and sprinkle lemon and pepper seasoning over them. You can add some chopped onion in with the boiling green beans too. Lots of people like to also add bacon, but I’m a weirdo. I don’t like bacon mixed into my food. I will eat plain bacon strips, even BLT’s, but I think bacon overtakes the flavor of most all the things it’s added to, and I don’t prefer it.

Jackie and I hung out in my kitchen, last night. She showed me her last blog post, and that sparked a whole conversation. It was good. I think we both felt a little bit “lighter” because of it. We were teasing and laughing about “666 men”. Adam heard this, and asked what a “666 man” is? I explained, 6 figure income, 6 feet tall, and 6 inch….ya know. Adam laughed and told me, “oh honey, it’s more like 6-6-9, let’s be honest.” I was laughing so hard! He isn’t usually that quick witted. He was in a real good mood. It makes me happy to see him a little “lighter”, too.

My sweet babies, right before he picked her up and showed off his wrestling moves 😆

My son is growing so fast, right now! I bought him new jeans, like a couple months ago, and he’s outgrown them. I got him a bunch of new jeans today, again. He’s officially bigger than me now. He weighs a few pounds more, and stands an inch taller. It’s the strangest thing to have my kid be taller, bigger, and stronger than I am. It’s a lot of fun seeing my babies growing into their own unique people. I’m so very proud to be their mama.

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The Same Changes

We bought plane tickets, this week, for a couple of our family members to come down here. They’ll be here this coming weekend. It was a last minute thing, but Adam was all for it. I know I’ve mentioned this before, I’m a saver. I budget and I put away as much money as I can. I had enough money left in our main account, after the plane tickets were purchased, to cover anything we might need. Tomorrow is payday. This morning, I saw that the stinking check I’d written weeks ago, was finally cashed. It was a larger amount than I’d left in the main account. It wasn’t a huge deal, because I could just transfer money over from another account, but I told Adam about it anyway. We didn’t get charged for it or anything. Our bank knows we’ve got other linked accounts, and as long as I covered it today, it was fine. So, that’s exactly what I did. Adam wasn’t angry with me. He was giving me hell about it, but not grumpy. He insisted that was going to be a spanking, though.

Adam is in a meeting, as I’m writing this. It’s a good one. Good things are coming out of it. Basically, Adam is the head of his department, in the area he’s currently in. He was offered the same position, for the same company, closer to our house, for more money. The office he’s at doesn’t want to lose him. So, he’s in a bidding war between the locations. I’m really hoping he will take the position close to our house! It would only be a 10-15 minute drive, versus nearly an hour drive, everyday. He’s negotiating right now, though.

Jackie came upstairs and gave me a big hug, yesterday evening. She was so sweet. She told me she is here, and I could talk to her about anything. Just a hug from my best friend, and an hour goofing around in my kitchen with her, has really helped my spirit! Today has been much easier than the one before. ❤️

Adam was very sweet to me last night, too. I didn’t even tell him that I was having a hard day. I guess he just knew it. I had a moment, when I was about to crack under some pressure, but I walked into our bedroom to calm down. I don’t want to talk about what it was, specifically, but it hurt my heart, a lot. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t lose my cool. Adam walked in and wrapped his arms around me. He held me while I cried for a few minutes. He assured me that he won’t ever let anyone hurt his family. That “release” saved me. I needed it.

I’m just pacing my house, anxiously waiting to hear about the results of Adam’s meeting. I’m going to get the enchiladas I’m making, for supper, started. I’ll update tomorrow!