Perfect to Me

Don’t feel like putting makeup on my cheeks
Do what I wanna
Love every single part of my body
Top to the bottom
I’m not a supermodel from a magazine
I’m okay with not being perfect

~Anne Marie

After my last post, I’ve had some questions asked. I wanted to address them. I really do appreciate the concern and suggestions I’ve received! My thyroid is within normal range. Everything else, with the exception of Vitamin D, was normal. I’ve been taking a regular multivitamin, in addition to another vitamin D supplement. I don’t feel bad. I’m not fatigued at all. While it’s great news, seeing healthy results, it is a little frustrating, when I can’t find a reason for my struggles with keeping weight on. I have always had a crazy metabolism. Anesthesiologists have always commented about how hard I am to keep “asleep”, during surgery. When I had my gallbladder removed, a few years back, the surgeon went on and on about how shocked he was when he cut into my stomach. He told us, you’re supposed to have to go through a layer of fat. He said that I didn’t have any, in my belly, and he’s never seen anyone like that. Those shots they put in your mouth at the dentist, to numb you, don’t work for me. Within one to two minutes, the medication is worn off, and I feel everything. I had red hair, when I was young. I’ve been told there’s a “red hair gene”, that affects some people. Apparently, it makes us harder to medicate or anesthetize, due to this? I suppose I just have a ridiculous metabolism?

As a woman, I want curves. I certainly don’t mean to suggest that I’m proud of having the struggle that I do. I’m not “bragging”, here. It’s honestly rather embarrassing. I worry that people will think I have an eating disorder. Or, that I’ve got a problem with meth, heroin, or something like that. Just like every other person, I want to be attractive. I want my husband to always be proud to have me on his arm. People don’t hesitate to comment on the way I look. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been told to “eat a cheeseburger”. It makes me self conscious. I was feeling real good about myself, when I’d gotten up to a more healthy weight. I can’t seem to maintain it, though. I’m venting. I’m being brutally honest. There’s no better word to describe the feeling, than frustrated. Adam has never made me feel unattractive. He’s never suggested that I wasn’t beautiful, to him. He tries to encourage me to do things that will help me achieve my own goals, but he’s not ever insulting. He doesn’t seem to notice the way my eyes get these wrinkles around them, when I smile. He thinks my stretch marks, leftover from carrying our babies, are beautiful. He doesn’t care whether I’m wearing a face full of makeup, or fresh out of the shower. It isn’t him, who creates these insecurities that I’m writing about. I suppose it shouldn’t matter to me, what strangers might think about me? Above all else, I want to be, and to stay, healthy. I intend to be around for another several decades, if I can help it.

I took the kids to swim at Jackie and Justin’s pool, today. Tomorrow, we’re all going to Mj’s best friend “T’s” birthday party. She’s also having a pool party, at her house. It should be a fun day! Adam’s going into work, for a few hours, tomorrow morning. We’re just having a quiet night, at home. I currently have “Judge Judy” on TV. I sort of love her sass. Although, you couldn’t pay me enough to go in front of her.