~Uncle Lucius

We went for a drive in “The General”. It’s their 4 seat side by side ATV. I’m helping my brother in law make some sweet corn and sides, for supper. Adam’s grilling the steaks, while he finishes the brisket on the smoker. What a freakin’ FUN day!

My papa taught me how to work and Lord, he was mean
Working all day in that August heat
He taught me how to fish
My uncle taught me how to drink

~Chayce Beckham

My taste in music is literally all over the place 😆

We left for our trip, Saturday morning. We got here around 5:30, last night. Adam’s mom had made BLTs for us. I took a quick shower, and then we went fishing. Wyatt and Adam each caught a fish. After that, the kids went back to Grandma’s house (Adam’s mom’s), and we went into the family’s shop. Adam’s brother, and a couple friends of theirs came over. We all played pool, talked, and had a few drinks. We’re heading out to do some target practicing, with some guns. This evening, there’s a local parade. They had a car show, and then there’s a parade down Main Street. We’re taking the kids to watch. Plus, they’ll get a ton of candy thrown out to them. So, that’s fun 😊

This week, Adam will be helping his brother with their family business. He’ll be working hard. Adam’s mom took this coming week off work, so we’re going to be hanging out with the kids. My niece and nephew are here. Mj and Wyatt are super close to them. They always have a blast! The boys camped out, in a tent, last night. The girls slept inside. We’re here through this entire next week. We’ll leave for home, around 8:00am, next Saturday.

I’m having a real nice little “vacation”, here with Adam and his family. They’re good people, and they’re all so happy we’re here.

The night before we left, Adam and I were brushing our teeth. I started to roll my eyes at him. I truly didn’t mean to! I caught myself, and stopped halfway through. Adam caught it too, though. He gave me a few stinging swats, but I could tell he wasn’t really upset with me. He said he didn’t want my butt to hurt, when we were fixing to spend an entire day in the car. Besides this little “slip”, we’ve had no troubles.

When we got back, after our fun at the shop, Adam and I told the kids goodnight, and went to our room. We made love, and went to sleep. I woke up, about an hour later, to Adam removing my panties again. We had another “round”, and slept until 9:00am, this morning! I asked him, what brought that on? He said that, he loves the way I love to be a part of his family. He told me, he likes to “show me off”, and that it’s sexy, that I’m down to go do whatever it is they want to, while we’re visiting them. I really do love his family, and friends.

I’m removing the American flag design I’d painted on my toenails, a few weeks ago. I’m putting a different color on them. I’ve got my short overalls on, and my hair tied into a half updo. I’m ready to go shoot a bunch of guns, and spend some more time immersed into Adam’s world, here.

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
May you stay forever young

~Audra Mae & The Forest Rangers

Adam and I spent yesterday evening arguing through text messages. Our son had his “girlfriend” over here, yesterday afternoon and evening. While I was fixing supper, they had gone and asked Adam if they could go on a walk. When he got back home, I saw his neck looked like he’d survived a vampire attack… Hickeys covered his neck. Adam and I talked about it, and he informed me, he’d seen these hickeys on our son, before they’d even gone on their little “walk”. My frustration boiled over. I went and ran myself a hot bath. Then, I began to send Adam some angry texts. As you’ll see, I didn’t exactly hold my opinions in.

Wyatt hadn’t ever gotten physical, with a girl. He hadn’t even kissed anyone, in any real way. He’s moving way too fast, and I’m not liking it one bit. I also feel frustrated as hell, that Adam seems to have this double standard, between our girls and boy. He would FLIP OUT, if that had been a daughter, instead of his son. When we went to bed, we continued a long conversation about all of this. Wyatt’s much too young to be thinking about sex. It absolutely terrifies me. I just want my babies to get a chance to live out their entire childhoods. I didn’t get to do that. It’s been one of the most important things I’ve aimed to give my children. I understand, they have to grow. I don’t want them to have to grow up, any sooner than they should, though. He’s barely a teenager. There’s still plenty of growing and maturing to be done.

This morning, Wyatt asked me if his girlfriend could come over. I told him, not today. Shortly after, I received a couple of text messages from him.

This parenting stuff isn’t for the weak! I love my babies so much. I desperately want to do the right and best things for them, always. We’ve had rules, about friends the kids have over. They’re not to close their door, when someone else is over. They’re not to have anyone over, unless Adam or I are home. I have their locations, on my phone. I’m trying to navigate this line, between giving them space to learn and even to make mistakes, but not allowing them to go too far. It’s my job to keep them safe.

We’re heading over to swim at Poppy’s, here soon. Wyatt, Mj, and me. Poppy will be there, too. I’m making shepherd’s pie, for supper tonight. I already cooked the ground beef, and I’m going to get the casserole ready to go, before we leave. This way, I can take it out of our fridge, and put it right into the oven, when we get back home from swimming.

I’m feeling nostalgic, for when my kids were little. It was so much easier to protect them.

My parents brought me up to treat everyone as an equal
I refuse to feel ashamed ’cause of my pretty blue eyes
Fuck a Nazi, fuck a white supremacist
Fuck anyone who labels me as that because of my family genetics

I’m not the white devil, neo-Nazi, cop tryna pull the trigger
You can call me what you want but I’d still never say
The white race as a whole ain’t the enemy
There’s racist white people but we’re far from that collectively

White boy, white noise
Sayin’ shit I can’t say with my white voice
White boys, white lies
Don’t tell me how to see it through my white eyes

White people that you hate aren’t your neighbors or lawyers
They’re the Rockafellers, Rothschilds, Bushes, and royals
They’re the people who monopolize the water and oil
And injected your communities with drugs ’til they spoil
Got no patience for Nazis, I think they’re better off dead
They’re fighting hatred with hatred makin’ the hate more intense
I don’t want nothing to do with either side of the fence

Bein’ white and bein’ racist aren’t the same man, I promise
Know it’s hard to tell the difference if I’m just being honest
I deserve the chance to show you I’m not part of the problem
And you owe it to yourselves, we got so much in common

~Tom Macdonald

A couple months ago, a neighborhood near us woke up to discover flyers on their doors, the “KKK” had left them. It’s sickening, to know that kind of hatred exists so near us. I’ve never claimed that racism isn’t a thing. I see it, too. My husband’s best friend is Hispanic. We have a lot of Egyptian American friends. My daughter, Mj’s, best friend is Native American. Mikayla and Wyatt have friends of many different races, ethnicities, and sexualities. We welcome all of our friends into our home. It scared me, when those flyers were put up so close to us. It’s scary, because those assholes who hide behind hoods, certainly wouldn’t find me to be any ally of theirs. It’s terrifying, for our friends. I’m afraid to let my teenager’s black male friend walk home alone, after dark. It shouldn’t be that way! It’s wrong. I have absolute compassion for the people who experience this kind of hatred, just because of the way they exist in our world. For how they look, speak, dress, or love. I promise to never stop challenging discrimination. My only ask, is for the same things I give to everyone I meet. I am who I am. I look how I look. I’m a Christian. I’m in a very “traditional” marriage. I’m outspoken as hell. I’m always open to opinions and conversation. My mind has been changed. I’ve never came from a place of hate or any desire to hurt others. Even if I say something that might be offensive to someone, that’s never my intention. It’s impossible to be someone who everyone agrees with. I’d never expect that. I am me. Imperfect and sometimes very wrong. I won’t be ashamed of my own immutable characteristics, though. I can be proud of my heritage, my parents and grandparents, and their struggles that got me where I am today. I won’t hide my identity. And, I won’t ever insist that anyone else hide who they are. Whether I understand it, or not. I’m always willing to listen. Not every conversation is going to end with us being best friends, but I will show respect. That word, respect, isn’t shameful. The action, showing respect, is something everyone should receive. Giving respect nearly always results in you getting it back. There is hate filled crap that hate filled folks say and do. I’ll never be on their side. My skin tone, my Southern accent, and my religion are not what makes me good or bad. We can’t know who each other is, until we ask them.

Love, Me.

On another, completely unrelated note, my doctor’s orders for investigating this suspicious lump in my boob, got messed up. They needed a “diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound” to be ordered, and I guess that wasn’t how it was sent. So, I contacted my doctor, and he told me he’d send in what they needed. I haven’t heard back, yet. Adam wants me to call again, today. I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt anything, if I go ahead and reach out again? So, that’s where I’m at, with that…

Got a gun that my granddad gave me
They say one day they’re gonna round up
Well, that shit might fly in the city, good luck

Try that in a small town
See how far ya make it down the road
Around here, we take care of our own
You cross that line, it won’t take long
For you to find out, I recommend you don’t
Try that in a small town

~Jason Aldean

This song has become very controversial, here in America, since the release of the music video. None of my black friends have felt this was made to express any discrimination, though. It really is more of a culture thing. By culture, I only mean where you grow up. Being brought up in some parts of the country, you are raised in different ways. That creates variation in how folks view lots of issues. Most everyone can agree, there are common issues, we all look to find solutions for. Most of our disagreement, is in how we should go about doing that. Gun violence is a problem. Nobody wants to worry about sending their children to school, going to church, or to the mall. I’m not going to preach my own beliefs, on right and wrong ways to make us safer. It is a shared concern, though. Most of us also can relate to the love and support people have for their towns and cities. For our community. When you grow up going to a school your parents attended, being taught by some of their old teachers, it’s something special. Everyone goes to a local ice cream place, after Friday night football games. A shop that’s ran by generations of family, who’ve worked to make their small business succeed. A place where your neighbors all know who you are. The cops weren’t called, when we got busted having a party in someone’s field. Our parents were, and that was way more terrifying, as a kid! I realize, there are many different places to grow up in. Not every person has those same memories. I think most of us look at where we’re from, and have a deep appreciation for it, though. To me, that’s what Jason’s song meant. Don’t threaten my community. We care about one another. That, to me, should be something all people, of all backgrounds, can relate to? Maybe I’m just biased, because of my own upbringing? I share the sentiment, about looking after my town, and the people who live in it.

Last night, I made the supper Mikayla requested. She’d asked for meatloaf, mashed potatoes with brown gravy, and my lemon pepper green beans. She didn’t get home, until after 8:00pm. So, we didn’t eat supper until much later than usual. She’s either practicing color guard, hanging out with her friends, or at work, most everyday, and into the evenings. Wyatt and Mj are just hanging out at home, with me. Wyatt went through his clothes, and we got a big bag of them to donate. He organized his closet, and folded all of his clean clothes nicely. He cleaned his room up, real good! Now it’s Mj’s turn. I’m going to help her go through her dresser drawers, and closet. We’ll start packing, for our trip, too. Mikayla is staying home, while we go to Kansas. She’s got a camp to go to, and didn’t want to miss work. Kansas is pretty boring, for her, anyhow. I’ll miss her. Her and I really do talk everyday. She tells me most everything. We don’t keep secrets. I can’t say that I did everything right, in raising her, but she turned out pretty damn great. I like to think I’ve done more right, than wrong. She’s told me, she would like to change her last name, after she turned 18. She wants to surprise Adam, and take his last name. I never suggested anything like that. She came up with that idea, all on her own. I support her, whatever she decides to do. She has a relationship with my ex (her bio dad’s) parents. They’re elderly, but they’re good people. Even when her dad wasn’t participating in her life, I always allowed them to. She spent some weekends, with them. They were invited to her school events, and birthday parties. Mikayla sent me a text, late last night, that said SOS. That’s our code. It means, call me. She was up in her bedroom, so I just ran up there. She was on the phone, and gave me a look that told me exactly what I needed to do. So, I called her phone, from my own, while I stood just outside of her room. I heard her excuse herself from the phone call she’d been on. She opened her door, and had great big tears in her eyes. She told me she’d asked her dad about how his trip in Germany was, and for some reason, that angered him. She said he’d yelled at her, because his girlfriend recently broke up with him, and he blames Mikayla for this. His girlfriend was cruel to Mikayla. Mikayla had chosen not to speak to, or visit, her father, for the majority of the last few years. They’d established a somewhat stable relationship, when Mikayla was around ten years old. Unfortunately, that was short lived. Her father had also completely neglected (or forgotten?) to wish her a Happy 18th Birthday. My heart breaks for her. It’s literal torture, seeing my sweet girl feel so unwanted, by someone who should think she’s the greatest thing to ever exist. Well, Adam and I see her. Things, like what happened last night, absolutely piss Adam off. If my ex was close by, I’d be afraid of what Adam might do. It makes me angry, but mostly sad. I hurt for Mikayla. There are many examples of situations like this, I could share. That’s not an isolated event, with her father. He’s a selfish, narcissistic (and I don’t say that lightly), bully. I honestly don’t think he’s capable of loving anyone, in any real sense. People are commodities. They’re tools to be used, to get him where he wants to go. To make an already long story short, this is one of the reasons why Mikayla has chosen to refer to Adam as “Dad”. Why she’s longed to share his family name. I’m so grateful to have been able to give her a man who has treated her like a daddy should treat his daughter. I’m so thankful for my husband. He never shows any favoritism, with our kids. He has one of the kindest hearts of anyone I’ve ever known. ❤️

I suppose I’ll go try to motivate Mj to get to work on her bedroom organization project.

Southern Belle statue
Standin’ in the screen door
Watchin’ her whole world
Head for an old Ford
With a man that can’t look her in the eye

Then I run, to him
Big hug, jump in
And I cry for her
Out the window

Some mommas and daddies
Are lovin’ in a straight line
Take forever to heart
And take a long sweet ride
But some mommas and daddies
Let their heart strings tear and tangle
And some of us get stuck
In a love triangle

I have another secret to reveal. It’s not something that Adam, or anyone in my life, isn’t aware of. It’s actually a beautiful “secret”, I can finally share in my blog now. I have another child. A daughter. She is the product of the boy I left home with, as a teenager. I think I did love him, for awhile. I also clung onto that flawed relationship, because it took me away from my mother. That relationship ended, when I found the courage to leave. It was not a healthy place. It was hard, but I got myself a little two story townhouse, and I made it work, by myself. I had to. My baby, I’m finally writing about now, turned 18 years old, today. She was three and a half years old, when Adam came into our lives. He’s helped me to raise her. He’s loved her like his own. She loves him, too. Her and Adam are very close! He taught her to drive. He’s done all the “dad” things, with her. She does know her biological father. They have a long distance relationship. She talks to him, on the phone some. She visits him, sometimes. Her name is Mikayla. Mikayla is beautiful, incredibly talented, in all AP classes, and still too smart for those. She has gotten straight A’s forever. She’s a hard worker. She’s dedicated to everything she puts her mind to. She will be a Senior, in high school, this year. She wants to be an aerospace engineer. Her dream college is Georgia Tech. My baby is nearly grown.

She wrote Adam and I the sweetest letter! We got her a new stereo, for her little Chevy car. She’ll have something that plays good tunes, and has a backup camera now! I can’t describe just how amazing this kid is. We’ve literally never had to punish her. She’s never raised her voice to us. She’s never disobeyed. She’s earned our trust, and we give her all the benefits that brings. She stayed over at Justin and Jackie’s place, this last weekend.

I have chosen not to include her in this blog, until now, for a reason. This is my personal outlet. Because I’m unwilling to ever risk having to share my writing with lawyers, judges, or especially my ex, I’ve kept Mikayla out of this. No pictures. No mention of her name. I’ve written about her, as “my daughter”, before. Since we have Mj, it could easily be assumed that was who I was talking about. I haven’t had social media, for this very same reason (among others). Legally, anything I post on the internet, that included my daughter, would’ve been open to speculation, had my ex decided to pursue that option, and go to court. Although that hasn’t happened, I chose never to take that gamble. I needed to be able to write, without fear of having my thoughts and feelings violated by someone who has caused me so much pain already. I couldn’t do that. So, now I’m able to include another big piece of my life here. Mikayla has become one of my very best friends. Everyone around us comments on how close we are. I suppose we “grew up” together, in some ways.

Mj had a friend stay the night, last night. Adam and I brought Mj, her friend, and Wyatt over to a local food truck, to get supper. We also stopped by Justin and Jackie’s house, so Mj could feed and check on their kitty (Oakley). After we’d gotten our food, we came home, and ate our supper. Then, the kids went downstairs, to put a movie on TV. Adam and I set our cornhole boards up. We played some rounds, most all of which I won 😉 Jackie and Justin called, over FaceTime. We talked with them, and Justin’s parents, for a long time. It looked and sounded like they’re having a blast, in Wyoming! It was such a great evening, hanging out back.

This morning, I went to turn over, and I cried out. I’d been sleeping on Adam’s chest, apparently for the entire night. Somehow, my neck and shoulders seem to have gotten “stuck”, from that. All day long, I’m still stiff and sore. Adam rubbed some cream on my shoulders. He’s massaged them, a few times. I’ve sat with a heat pad. I’ve tried ice. I’ve taken Tylenol. Although it seems to be better than it was when I woke up, I’m still so stiff and sore! What the hell?! Am I getting old? Is this what happens? Adam’s been so sweet. After we finished supper, he took the kids. They went to take care of Jackie’s cat, and then to get ice cream. Adam knows my favorite. Reeces peanut butter cups. He’s bringing home a “Sonic blast”, with Reeces peanut butter cups in it, for me. Although I’m frustrated to be feeling so stiff and sore today, it’s been a beautiful weekend. I’ve had a great time, hanging out with Adam and our babies. ❤️

~Shania Twain

I woke up at 3:30am, Friday morning. My alarm was set for 3:34, but I actually woke up just before it had a chance to go off. I have always had a “thing”, about setting alarms for random times. If I need to be up at 5:00, I’ll set it for 4:59, or 5:01. It drives Jackie crazy that I do that! 😆

I made myself some coffee, and headed over to Justin and Jackie’s place. We loaded their bags in my car, and headed toward the airport. Jackie had to grab a quick picture, or her and I, right before they went inside. I looked a mess! No makeup on, my hair was not done, and I had my glasses on. Even so, I’m always glad for her picture memories.

Adam had left, for work, just a few minutes before I got back home. It was only 5:00am, and I’d intended to go back to sleep for awhile, but I was wide awake. Instead, I made myself some more coffee, and watched the sun rise over my backyard. I wound up getting a whole lot of housework done, yesterday. I cleaned all the floors, bathrooms, kitchen, and Adam and my bedroom. I dusted around the ceilings of every room, and down into the garage. I swept the garage steps. My sister came by, with Pj, for awhile. I chatted with her, and played with the baby. After they’d gone, I took Mj over to Justin and Jackie’s place. She’s been “hired” to look after their cat, Oakley. She cleans the litter box, refills the food and water bowls, and spends a little time loving on Oaks. They’d set up a “scavenger hunt”, for Mj. There’s a separate envelope, with a card inside, for everyday they’re gone. Mj is to open one, each day. She follows their clue, to find money they’d hidden somewhere. I thought that was the sweetest idea! Jackie is so creative!

I took Mj to a convenience store, where she spent most of her first $5 on treats. Last night, her brother and her played online games, in the upstairs office area, and ate her newly purchased snacks. Adam and I sat in the basement, and watched old episodes of the “Roseanne” show. The first season is my very favorite. After the third season, I never thought it was as good. Those first few, though, they’re iconic! It was a lot of fun, just snuggling my husband, while we laughed as we watched one of my favorite TV shows. Adam was getting sleepy, but I was still wide awake. Around 11:30pm, we compromised. I told him I’d go to bed, once the episode we were watching was over. I turned the TV off, as Adam began to shut off the lights. We went upstairs, and turned off all the lights on the main floor. Then, we went upstairs, to the kids bedrooms, and told them good night. Oliver went straight into his kennel. He was ready for bed, too. Diesel hopped up on our bed. We brushed our teeth, and I changed into one of Adam’s t-shirts. When we finally got settled, in our bed, I asked Adam if he was sleepy. He said that he was, but that he wanted his wife. He kissed and made love to me in such a passionate way. He’s been doing this, all week. It’s a hard thing to describe, in words. But, anytime his hands touch my body, I can literally feel this deep, pure love, radiating from him. I’ve never really doubted his love for me. It’s almost like he’s just expressing his desire for connection, and making absolutely certain that I know it. I have never been loved the way he loves me. I know I’ve got a lot of family and friends, who also love and care for me. The bond Adam and I share, is one that can’t exist anywhere outside of the two of us.

I spoke to Adam’s mom, about what’s going on here. I explained, it’s probably nothing to get worked up about. I don’t want her to worry, about me. I asked her to please check in, with Adam. I worry, about him. He’s lost several very close people, to cancer. I know how tough he is, and how good he can be, at holding in his own pain. I need to know that he has someone who’s there for him, too. His mom is seriously the best mother in law, ever! We talked, for well over an hour. She thanked me, for telling her all of this. She, like everyone, asked me to keep her posted. I asked her, to help me make sure Adam is okay. He’s not going to share his worries, or emotions, with me. Not right now. So, I know he will appreciate having his mom available, if he needs to “vent”. I love him, so much. I appreciate him. I respect him. I want to be a place he can always come to, when he’s needing someone. The same as he always is, for me. Adam’s my safe place. Nothing bad is going to happen, when I’ve got him. I might not be as big and tough, as he is, but I do feel that same devotion, toward him. Nobody will get away with messing with my man, as long as I’m around!

Both of my boys just came inside, from cutting the grass. They did a great job. I’m going to go hop in the shower, with my husband.

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later, it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

~The Goo Goo Dolls

I had my first appointment, with my regular doctor, this afternoon. Jackie came with me. She documents everything, in pictures, and I love that about her! I hadn’t mentioned this lump to my doctor, before. He’d scheduled me for a mammogram, because my family history and age meant it was a good time to do one. He’d told me, it’s a good thing to get a baseline, while you’re still younger-ish, and go from there. Of course, I hadn’t actually gone and done this mammogram. When I explained all of this, my doctor said, “Of course not.” and he smiled at me. He is also keenly aware of my reluctance to follow through with medical shit, when it’s about me. He had me put one of those super sexy paper gowns on, and examined me. He says that this lump is “asymmetrical”. That’s not the best news. He sent an order for me to go get the mammogram, as well as an ultrasound of it. They’ll be calling me, within 48 hours, to schedule those things. My doctor insisted, there’s so much that can be done right now, and it’s still early. He told me, if it’s something, they can cut it out, and I go on with my life. That’s it. If I wait until it gets bad, he says, “You don’t want to wait until you have to go make all your hair fall out, and wear pink for the rest of your life.” That made me laugh! I love his sense of humor, and he knows I get it. After he handed me the paperwork, he looked at Jackie, and he asked her to make sure I get this done. She told him she absolutely will, and she’d already promised Adam she would!

The weather was real stormy, when we left. There were both metaphorical, and literal clouds, hanging over us. However, as we drove toward home, the sky got brighter. The rain ended. By the time we got to my house, the sun was shining again.

Justin and Jackie are eating supper here, tonight. We’re all going to hang out. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be picking them up. We leave here, at 4:00am, for the airport. They’re going on their trip to Justin’s hometown. I’m excited for Jackie to meet his family! They seem incredibly sweet. Adam, the kids, and I leave for our own trip, the same day they’ll get back home from theirs. So, it’ll be two whole weeks, before we see each other again.

They’re on their way here, now. I don’t have a whole lot else to say, anyway. This is my update. I still think it could be there’s nothing to worry so much about. Adam will be home any minute. He’s going to run to the store with me, so I can talk to him about everything the doctor said. Then, we’re fixing my “famous” hot ham and cheese Hawaiian sandwiches. We’re going to have a fun evening, with our people. ❤️

Come on baby, make it hurt so good
Sometimes love don’t feel like it should
You make it hurt so good

~John Mellencamp

On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on the couch, in our basement, watching TV. Adam came downstairs. He sat next to me, and pulled me close to him. He talked about how he never wants me to keep things from him. He felt awful, I’d been going through this alone. He wants to be here for me. He can’t do that, if I don’t let him “in”. He showed me understanding, about why I hadn’t opened up, until now. He knows me. He’s well aware of all my “quirks”. We’ve had situations, in the past, when I’ve kept something from him. Those times have all ended horribly. I remember, years ago, he told me something. He explained, when I don’t tell him important things, it’s like we’re driving toward a cliff, that only I can see coming. It hurts him, that I could neglect to tell him we need to slow down, or turn around. We’ve both used the “car analogy”, before. I’ve explained, to him, that just because I’m in the passenger seat, I’m also on this journey. I have a right to look at “the map”, and make suggestions. He’s right, to point out when I’m going through anything that could change the road we’ve mapped out, he deserves to know about it. He always wants to be “steering” us in the right direction. He takes his position seriously. With all my heart and soul, I believe that. He just wants me to trust him. Even when I’m afraid that it may hurt him. He’s told me, many times, he can handle anything I throw at him. The thing that makes him upset, is when I’ve tried to carry something all alone. Either it gets too “heavy”, and we both fall down, or he has zero say in how this burden gets relieved. Even when I’m able to deal with a big issue, by myself, he hates when I don’t include him. He has every right to know what’s happening. I expect the same, from him. So, I need to show him the same respect.

After a long conversation, Adam carried me into the guest room. He put me on the bed, pulled down my shorts, and began to spank my behind. His spanks weren’t particularly hard. However, after he counted 15 swats on one side, and another 15 on the other, my butt was red hot. He let me out of his grasp. I turned over, onto my back. I looked up at him, as he looked down into my eyes. I saw many emotions, in his eyes, but not anger. He wasn’t angry with me. He was hurt. He was afraid. He was also going to make certain that I never keep important information a secret, again. This spanking was out of pure obligation. He didn’t want to do it, but he needed to. We talked some more, before he finished with 15 more on one side, and 15 final ones on the other. Although my butt was on fire, the tears that followed weren’t because of that. They were the release of more pent up emotions I’ve held inside, for way too long. He held me in his arms, for a long time. When he told me, “We just need to find out what we’re dealing with. It’s probably nothing! Then, all this secret worry was for nothing.” I looked right into his eyes, and started to say to him, “But…what…IF…”. I couldn’t even finish my sentence. My eyes filled with tears, again. My voice cracked. Adam held my face in his hands, and told me, “Shhh. I know, baby.” We sat together, while he held me in his arms, on his lap, for awhile longer.

Adam and I started to tease each other, and laugh. Then, we kissed. It was a long, meaningful kiss. Adam stood us both up. As we walked toward the couch, he pulled me behind it. He pulled my pants back down, and then his own. He bent me over the back of the couch, and pressed himself inside of me. He was “owning me”, in that moment. He assured us both, I am his. He is mine. We’d said all the words that needed to be. Taking me, like he did, “spoke” to us both, too. We needed each other. In every possible way. He assured me, he wants me. He needs me. It was a passion between us, that’s hard to put down in words.

That was the first time we’d had sex, in our basement. It was also the first time he’d seriously spanked me, outside of our bedroom. We made love again, later that night.

I made the first appointment, to address this concern, on Monday. I go in tomorrow. Jackie is coming with me. I went with her, yesterday, to an important appointment of hers. She’s starting her own journey. She and Justin plan to have children, after they’re married. She’s had her struggles, with infertility issues. So far, things seem very optimistic, though! I’m so very excited and happy, for her! I was proud of her, for taking this important step. It was painful, for her, but she did it. She was brave and strong. Tomorrow, it will be my turn. Having the love and support of people like Adam, Jackie, and all of my family and friends, is what pushes me to find my own strength, and bravery. No matter what, I’ve got this. I’m not alone. It’s probably nothing, anyway. I’ll get this done, and help to hold my best friend’s hand, as she continues on her mission to become a mama. She’s going to make such an amazing mama. Her and Justin will be wonderful parents. I can’t wait to see what their future holds. I definitely want to be around, so I can be in it.