Sorry

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry ’bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say “I’m sorry”

~Buckcherry

I have a confession to make. I came clean, with Jackie, first. We had such a great night. We barbecued. We went and swam, in Justin and Jackie’s pool. Then, we came home, and played cornhole. We were all up until after 1:00am. This was our last Saturday night, together, of “Summer”. Justin and Jackie leave for Wyoming, next Friday. They’ll be gone a week. Right when they get home, we leave for our vacation. When we get back, it’s time for school to start back up, again. We’ll all still hang out, of course! It’s just different, when we’ve got the craziness of the school year, with our kids.

Right near the end of school, this Spring, I’d discovered a lump in my left breast. I’d been referred for testing, but I never actually followed up with it. My aunt passed away, last Fall, after her battle with breast cancer. I truly believe my lump is very likely something benign. It could be a cyst, or any number of other explanations, besides cancer. Having said that, it could be serious. And…that scares the hell out of me. I made a decision, in May. I wanted to enjoy this Summer, with my family. If this lump is something unimportant, it wouldn’t matter anyway. If it is something more, I just wasn’t ready to deal with it, yet. I promised myself I would follow through, and get the tests done, after I’d had this time with my favorite people. I didn’t want anyone to worry. I didn’t want to be treated differently. I didn’t want to be pushed into going through the stress and upset of doctor visits, and waiting for results that could possibly completely change the course of our lives. I figure, if it’s nothing, it won’t matter that I waited. If it’s something, I’m glad to have gotten this amazing Summer. Having said all that, I lied. I lied to Adam, and to Jackie.

Last night, the realization that our Summer was coming to its end, hit me real hard. I needed to acknowledge the thing I’ve been ignoring. It’s time to get it figured out. Even though I feel confident it’s nothing serious, I think? I’ve convinced myself that I’m perfectly fine. Still, what if it isn’t fine? I don’t even know what I would do? So, I’ve neglected this issue for long enough. It’s time. It was time to talk to my people. I told Jackie first. She was shocked, I hadn’t said anything to her sooner. She was incredibly supportive, though. We stood in my garage, while the boys sat outside, oblivious to what was happening. They knew we were talking, and they gave us privacy. I cried two months of tears I’ve held inside. All of the emotions I’ve pushed down, bubbled up and out of me. Jackie hugged me, and we made a plan to set up appointments on Monday. She was, as always, the very best friend I could have asked for.

After Justin and Jackie left, Adam and I went to our room. We each had put toothpaste on our toothbrushes, when I began the, long overdue, conversation with him. Our toothbrushes sat beside our bathroom sinks, for hours. I told him everything. I hadn’t been truthful. I’d kept this from him. I’d broken many of the rules we’ve agreed to follow. Not out of malice, or any lack of trust in my husband! I did it, because I just wanted more time. I’m afraid.

Adam was probably angry with me, but he never raised his voice to me. He wasn’t mean. In fact, hearing him explain how hurt he was, that I had kept this in for months, was almost worse than being chewed out. He was crushed. I’d dropped a metaphorical “bomb” on him, at 3:00 in the morning. We talked until nearly 4:00am. I cried so hard, for so long, my eyes are still puffy and my head aches. Adam made love to me, when we finally finished saying all the words that needed to be spoken. He held onto me tight, the whole time we slept.

I want to be around, for a whole lot longer! I love my family more than anything. I certainly do not intend to leave them. I promise, on my family, on God, I will get appointments set up tomorrow. This will not be put off any longer. It’s time to get real, grow up, and figure out whether all this worry is even worth it. I would really love to have many more wonderful Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summers, with the amazing people I’m blessed to be loved by. Whatever happens, there’s no more secrets. I am sorry that I’ve been dishonest. I feel so guilty. I just wanted to have a little more time, in case. In case our lives are about to be turned upside down. At least we had this beautiful Summer, full of memories we’ve made together. I can’t regret that. I only feel sad, when I look into my husband and my best friend’s eyes, and see worry. I’m not very good at all this. I hate to be pitied. I don’t want to be treated as if I’m fragile. I have worked so hard, for so long, to overcome the shit that people have done to me, attempting to knock me down. My strength is what makes me, me. My ability to be here for my people, isn’t just about being valuable to them. It’s something that makes me feel valuable, too. Maybe it’s selfish? I suppose it probably is.

Adam has told me I’ve got 60 spanks coming. One for each day I’ve lied to him. He hasn’t done that, though. He isn’t wrong, for feeling the way he does. He asked me, if it was the other way around, how would I feel finding out he’d kept something from me for two months? I’d be hurt. I’d be pissed off. I’d be scared as hell. So, I get it. I imagine he’s feeling betrayed, and maybe like I didn’t trust him with this heavy “weight” I’ve carried. Although that was never my intention, I do understand why he would feel this way. I’m sure I would, if I were in his shoes. He’s the most loving, generous, caring husband. He never lets me down. He doesn’t shut me out. I kept him out of something that he deserved to know about. It isn’t just about me. That’s what scares me the most. Thinking about the upset this could create in my family. Seeing them hurt, is more painful than anything else. I’m so sorry.