Hurts So Good

Come on baby, make it hurt so good
Sometimes love don’t feel like it should
You make it hurt so good

~John Mellencamp

On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on the couch, in our basement, watching TV. Adam came downstairs. He sat next to me, and pulled me close to him. He talked about how he never wants me to keep things from him. He felt awful, I’d been going through this alone. He wants to be here for me. He can’t do that, if I don’t let him “in”. He showed me understanding, about why I hadn’t opened up, until now. He knows me. He’s well aware of all my “quirks”. We’ve had situations, in the past, when I’ve kept something from him. Those times have all ended horribly. I remember, years ago, he told me something. He explained, when I don’t tell him important things, it’s like we’re driving toward a cliff, that only I can see coming. It hurts him, that I could neglect to tell him we need to slow down, or turn around. We’ve both used the “car analogy”, before. I’ve explained, to him, that just because I’m in the passenger seat, I’m also on this journey. I have a right to look at “the map”, and make suggestions. He’s right, to point out when I’m going through anything that could change the road we’ve mapped out, he deserves to know about it. He always wants to be “steering” us in the right direction. He takes his position seriously. With all my heart and soul, I believe that. He just wants me to trust him. Even when I’m afraid that it may hurt him. He’s told me, many times, he can handle anything I throw at him. The thing that makes him upset, is when I’ve tried to carry something all alone. Either it gets too “heavy”, and we both fall down, or he has zero say in how this burden gets relieved. Even when I’m able to deal with a big issue, by myself, he hates when I don’t include him. He has every right to know what’s happening. I expect the same, from him. So, I need to show him the same respect.

After a long conversation, Adam carried me into the guest room. He put me on the bed, pulled down my shorts, and began to spank my behind. His spanks weren’t particularly hard. However, after he counted 15 swats on one side, and another 15 on the other, my butt was red hot. He let me out of his grasp. I turned over, onto my back. I looked up at him, as he looked down into my eyes. I saw many emotions, in his eyes, but not anger. He wasn’t angry with me. He was hurt. He was afraid. He was also going to make certain that I never keep important information a secret, again. This spanking was out of pure obligation. He didn’t want to do it, but he needed to. We talked some more, before he finished with 15 more on one side, and 15 final ones on the other. Although my butt was on fire, the tears that followed weren’t because of that. They were the release of more pent up emotions I’ve held inside, for way too long. He held me in his arms, for a long time. When he told me, “We just need to find out what we’re dealing with. It’s probably nothing! Then, all this secret worry was for nothing.” I looked right into his eyes, and started to say to him, “But…what…IF…”. I couldn’t even finish my sentence. My eyes filled with tears, again. My voice cracked. Adam held my face in his hands, and told me, “Shhh. I know, baby.” We sat together, while he held me in his arms, on his lap, for awhile longer.

Adam and I started to tease each other, and laugh. Then, we kissed. It was a long, meaningful kiss. Adam stood us both up. As we walked toward the couch, he pulled me behind it. He pulled my pants back down, and then his own. He bent me over the back of the couch, and pressed himself inside of me. He was “owning me”, in that moment. He assured us both, I am his. He is mine. We’d said all the words that needed to be. Taking me, like he did, “spoke” to us both, too. We needed each other. In every possible way. He assured me, he wants me. He needs me. It was a passion between us, that’s hard to put down in words.

That was the first time we’d had sex, in our basement. It was also the first time he’d seriously spanked me, outside of our bedroom. We made love again, later that night.

I made the first appointment, to address this concern, on Monday. I go in tomorrow. Jackie is coming with me. I went with her, yesterday, to an important appointment of hers. She’s starting her own journey. She and Justin plan to have children, after they’re married. She’s had her struggles, with infertility issues. So far, things seem very optimistic, though! I’m so very excited and happy, for her! I was proud of her, for taking this important step. It was painful, for her, but she did it. She was brave and strong. Tomorrow, it will be my turn. Having the love and support of people like Adam, Jackie, and all of my family and friends, is what pushes me to find my own strength, and bravery. No matter what, I’ve got this. I’m not alone. It’s probably nothing, anyway. I’ll get this done, and help to hold my best friend’s hand, as she continues on her mission to become a mama. She’s going to make such an amazing mama. Her and Justin will be wonderful parents. I can’t wait to see what their future holds. I definitely want to be around, so I can be in it.