I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry ’bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say “I’m sorry”

~Buckcherry

I have a confession to make. I came clean, with Jackie, first. We had such a great night. We barbecued. We went and swam, in Justin and Jackie’s pool. Then, we came home, and played cornhole. We were all up until after 1:00am. This was our last Saturday night, together, of “Summer”. Justin and Jackie leave for Wyoming, next Friday. They’ll be gone a week. Right when they get home, we leave for our vacation. When we get back, it’s time for school to start back up, again. We’ll all still hang out, of course! It’s just different, when we’ve got the craziness of the school year, with our kids.

Right near the end of school, this Spring, I’d discovered a lump in my left breast. I’d been referred for testing, but I never actually followed up with it. My aunt passed away, last Fall, after her battle with breast cancer. I truly believe my lump is very likely something benign. It could be a cyst, or any number of other explanations, besides cancer. Having said that, it could be serious. And…that scares the hell out of me. I made a decision, in May. I wanted to enjoy this Summer, with my family. If this lump is something unimportant, it wouldn’t matter anyway. If it is something more, I just wasn’t ready to deal with it, yet. I promised myself I would follow through, and get the tests done, after I’d had this time with my favorite people. I didn’t want anyone to worry. I didn’t want to be treated differently. I didn’t want to be pushed into going through the stress and upset of doctor visits, and waiting for results that could possibly completely change the course of our lives. I figure, if it’s nothing, it won’t matter that I waited. If it’s something, I’m glad to have gotten this amazing Summer. Having said all that, I lied. I lied to Adam, and to Jackie.

Last night, the realization that our Summer was coming to its end, hit me real hard. I needed to acknowledge the thing I’ve been ignoring. It’s time to get it figured out. Even though I feel confident it’s nothing serious, I think? I’ve convinced myself that I’m perfectly fine. Still, what if it isn’t fine? I don’t even know what I would do? So, I’ve neglected this issue for long enough. It’s time. It was time to talk to my people. I told Jackie first. She was shocked, I hadn’t said anything to her sooner. She was incredibly supportive, though. We stood in my garage, while the boys sat outside, oblivious to what was happening. They knew we were talking, and they gave us privacy. I cried two months of tears I’ve held inside. All of the emotions I’ve pushed down, bubbled up and out of me. Jackie hugged me, and we made a plan to set up appointments on Monday. She was, as always, the very best friend I could have asked for.

After Justin and Jackie left, Adam and I went to our room. We each had put toothpaste on our toothbrushes, when I began the, long overdue, conversation with him. Our toothbrushes sat beside our bathroom sinks, for hours. I told him everything. I hadn’t been truthful. I’d kept this from him. I’d broken many of the rules we’ve agreed to follow. Not out of malice, or any lack of trust in my husband! I did it, because I just wanted more time. I’m afraid.

Adam was probably angry with me, but he never raised his voice to me. He wasn’t mean. In fact, hearing him explain how hurt he was, that I had kept this in for months, was almost worse than being chewed out. He was crushed. I’d dropped a metaphorical “bomb” on him, at 3:00 in the morning. We talked until nearly 4:00am. I cried so hard, for so long, my eyes are still puffy and my head aches. Adam made love to me, when we finally finished saying all the words that needed to be spoken. He held onto me tight, the whole time we slept.

I want to be around, for a whole lot longer! I love my family more than anything. I certainly do not intend to leave them. I promise, on my family, on God, I will get appointments set up tomorrow. This will not be put off any longer. It’s time to get real, grow up, and figure out whether all this worry is even worth it. I would really love to have many more wonderful Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summers, with the amazing people I’m blessed to be loved by. Whatever happens, there’s no more secrets. I am sorry that I’ve been dishonest. I feel so guilty. I just wanted to have a little more time, in case. In case our lives are about to be turned upside down. At least we had this beautiful Summer, full of memories we’ve made together. I can’t regret that. I only feel sad, when I look into my husband and my best friend’s eyes, and see worry. I’m not very good at all this. I hate to be pitied. I don’t want to be treated as if I’m fragile. I have worked so hard, for so long, to overcome the shit that people have done to me, attempting to knock me down. My strength is what makes me, me. My ability to be here for my people, isn’t just about being valuable to them. It’s something that makes me feel valuable, too. Maybe it’s selfish? I suppose it probably is.

Adam has told me I’ve got 60 spanks coming. One for each day I’ve lied to him. He hasn’t done that, though. He isn’t wrong, for feeling the way he does. He asked me, if it was the other way around, how would I feel finding out he’d kept something from me for two months? I’d be hurt. I’d be pissed off. I’d be scared as hell. So, I get it. I imagine he’s feeling betrayed, and maybe like I didn’t trust him with this heavy “weight” I’ve carried. Although that was never my intention, I do understand why he would feel this way. I’m sure I would, if I were in his shoes. He’s the most loving, generous, caring husband. He never lets me down. He doesn’t shut me out. I kept him out of something that he deserved to know about. It isn’t just about me. That’s what scares me the most. Thinking about the upset this could create in my family. Seeing them hurt, is more painful than anything else. I’m so sorry.

~Rhett Akins

It’s been a fairly boring week, here. The kids and I went swimming. The kids have had friends over to play, most everyday. I went and got my haircut, today. I didn’t take any real length off. I just got it trimmed, and textured. My curly hair can be a challenge, especially when it’s overdue for a trim. The lady who took care of it, today, did a fantastic job.

I made fiastadas, for supper. Adam has been working late, most every night. By the time he got home, from working out, it was after 8:00pm. It’s been so humid and hot, outside! I tease that “the air is water”. Our humidity has been more than 80%. We decided to just stay inside, tonight. Adam has been upstairs, watching TV. I’m hanging out in our basement, watching old episodes of Roseanne.

I got some new tea light candles, for the wall down here. They’re battery powered, so no fire hazard risks. I think it looks real pretty.

My old man pup is hanging out with me.

Also, my sister sent the most adorable little video of my baby niece! Ahhh! I just love her!

Tomorrow, we’re grilling some kabobs. Justin and Rose are coming. My sister, her husband, and miss Pj will be here, too. It should be a fun Saturday.

I’ve been doing some school shopping, for the kids. I got Wyatt a couple new pairs of shoes, several pairs of pants, shirts, socks, and boxers. I’ve gotten Mj a few things, but she wants to go shopping with me, and pick out more. I can’t believe we’re already nearing the end of their Summer vacation. School will be starting in just a few weeks! We still need to go get new backpacks and school supplies. I’m not ready to “give back” my babies, to their schools.

I’m very proud to say, I still haven’t found any trouble. I’m sitting comfortably. I just finished with my period, today. I’m ready to get my husband back inside of me. I don’t think he knows it, just yet? I’m going to be climbing on top of him, and let him know, soon.

I’m just enjoying the quiet down here, with one of my dogs, for the moment. I love the old Roseanne show. That’s where Jackie got her nickname from! Dan and Roseanne are Adam and I. Our kids even remind me of the kids characters, once in awhile. Sometimes, I wish I could’ve raised my babies in a simpler time. Life just seems so much less complicated, through the TV screen, watching stories from bygone eras.

Anyway, that’s about everything I’ve got to write about, for now. I had a brief moment, this morning, where I caught myself drifting into a mindset that I don’t prefer to. Listening to music, while I got ready, a song came on. It was one that makes me remember things that bring me to a place that hurts real bad. Tears began to sting in my eyes, but I got myself out of it. I didn’t want to let myself go to that place inside my head. So, I didn’t. I’m fine now. It’s been a good day. It’s another great week. Joy wins.

The South moves north, the North moves south
A star is born, a star burns out
The only thing that stays the same is
Everything changes, everything changes

~Tracy Lawrence

I’ve got cube steaks in the oven. I cover them with a mixture of flour and pepper, then fry them in oil, on the stove, until browned. When they’re browned, I put them in a 9×13 baking pan, pour beef gravy over them, and bake at 350 degrees for about 1 hour. They come out so tender and yummy! I’m making mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese, to go with. Adam, Wyatt, and Justin are at the gym, working out.

We were supposed to have a guitar night, Saturday evening, but it didn’t work out. My poor girl ended up getting diagnosed with “hand foot and mouth disease”. Where that came from, I have NO clue! I thought it might be impetigo, but took her to see the doctor, to be sure. That’s when we were told it was actually something else, and she should “quarantine” for 5 days. I felt horrible, telling everyone we couldn’t make our guitar night plans. I’d been so excited for it, too! My baby needed to stay home though, so we were staying with her. We wound up watching some funny old movies. We made popcorn, had some Coke, (which I never buy!), and had a fun night, anyway.

Our friend, Biscuit, was here. He’d come up on Friday. He spent the weekend detailing my car. It’s a 7 passenger SUV, so it’s a lot of work. It had been nearly 6 months, since it was detailed, so it was a mess. It was also hot as heck outside, so it took a couple days. Bless his heart, he worked real hard on it for me, though! My car’s looking great!

I’ve spent the day cleaning. After Biscuit left, I washed the guest bedding, and hung it out to dry. I have done 2 loads of dishes. Some because I didn’t do them last night, and the rest, from lunch and the mess I’ve already made cooking supper. The way I do cube steaks requires a lot of dishes, and makes the kitchen a bit of a disaster area, but it’s worth it. I’m going to wash the kids bedding, tomorrow. Wednesday, I told Mj I’d bring her and a friend over to the indoor trampoline park. This coming weekend is our last “Summer” weekend, with Justin and Jackie. They’re going to visit his family, in Wyoming, the following one. Right before they’re back home, we leave for a week long trip, to visit Adam’s family. It should be a lot of fun, though. One of my friends lives in Iowa, now. She’s going to drive to where we’ll be, in Kansas, so we can hang out. I’m really excited to see her! I also love Adam’s brother’s girlfriend. I talked with her, on the phone, this afternoon. She’s such a sweetheart! The kids will get to spend the week with their cousins. Adam’s brother has twins. A boy and a girl. They’re right in between our kids’ ages. They always have a blast together.

I have still managed to avoid any trouble, with my husband. It’s truly been nothing but good, here! I miss Jackie. We haven’t spent much time together, since last week. It’s just been busy for the both of us. I can’t believe school will be starting back up, in just a few weeks. As soon as we get home, from our Kansas trip, I’m taking them school shopping. Then, it’ll be time for this next school year to begin. My baby is a middle schooler. Just today, she discovered that Krispy Kreme donuts gives out a half dozen donuts, to kids with straight A’s. So, she’s asking me to bring her, and her report card, over there! 😆 I suppose we’ll likely be making a trip over to Krispy Kreme, one day soon…

~Kid Rock

We had an amazing Fourth of July, with family! Every last one of the Jell-O shots I made were finished off, by our silly group of people. My dad’s girlfriend loved them! We swam, when we got there, Monday evening. The guys grilled hamburgers. We went to bed, around midnight. Adam and Justin had alarms set. They got up at 2:45, to put the briskets on the smoker. They got back up, around 5:45am, to spray them, and check on them. We all got up, just after 9:00am. Poppy cooked us breakfast. He made fried potatoes, with onion. He fried eggs, sausage patties, and I made the toast. It was so delicious. I haven’t had my dad’s breakfast cooking, for a long time. After we finished breakfast, Jackie and I left, to go pick up our friend Biscuit.

Wednesday was a day of recovery, for us. Yesterday, I took the kids over to Poppy’s. He’s off this whole week, so he’s been at his house. We swam awhile, and hung out. Today, I got groceries, did a bunch of laundry, and trying to get all the things I need done. Biscuit will be here, this evening. He’s going to clean my car, for me. Tomorrow, we’re going to Poppy’s again, for our guitar night. We’ve got a whole bunch of friends coming, for that. It should be another great time.

I haven’t done a thing, to find trouble, with Adam. We were laughing, and teasing, last night. I said “mothaaa fuckaa!”, to him. That comes from an old movie, we love. He busted out laughing, because he understood the reference. I can, and do, still manage to find ways to give my husband hell, without crossing the line. I’m certain our rules wouldn’t work for everyone, especially in a DD relationship. It’s really just about maintaining our silly playfulness, without it becoming disrespectful. We’ve been laughing together a whole lot, lately.

~Kid Rock

Jackie came over, and we finished getting everything ready for tomorrow. I was going to make jello jigglers, with our blue, vodka laced, jello. That wasn’t working. Instead, I mixed it with whipped cream, and made jello salad. It’s dangerously delicious! We’ve got a cooler full of red Jell-O shots. I’ve cut up a bunch of cucumbers fresh from our neighbor’s garden. I made the ice cream cake.

It looks like we’re going on a long road trip, with how packed the back of my car looks!

We’re headed to Poppy’s house! It’s time to start our Fourth of July fun!!

We got our older dog, Diesel, sheared today. He’s been needing a haircut, badly. He’s a miniature Australian Shepherd. His long hair gets hot, in the Summer. So, Adam helped me, while I used the trimmers on him. He’s loving his new hair do!

Justin and Jackie had supper with us, tonight. Adam grilled chicken. I made a pasta salad, and some cucumbers soaked in vinegar, water, and onion. Jackie helped me make our Jell-O shots, for the fourth, too. We ended up with 53 red Jell-O shots, and we’ve got a bunch of blue jello I’m making star “jigglers” out of. I also got Mj’s hair trimmed. She was happy with it.

Justin, Jackie, Adam, our kiddos, and I are going to spend the night at Poppy’s, tomorrow night. The boys need to smoke the briskets super early in the morning, so we decided it’s easier to just stay there. My dad was excited for us to stay with him. I’m sure we’ll take advantage of his swimming pool, too! I love July 4th. It’s my second favorite holiday, after Christmas. Adam and Justin bought a whole bunch of fireworks. I think it’s going to be a great time.

I’m trying to do better, about writing everyday. Life’s been so full, lately. I love to look back, and see the progress, and all the happy memories. I started this blog intending to write about the “DD” part of my relationship, but it’s sort of morphed into an all encompassing “story” reflecting my everyday life. It’s been good for me. It’s so much fun, looking at all of the different things I’ve felt, seen, and done. Jackie and I talked about how God sends us “signs”, all the time. One of the things I’d said, as we chatted, was that these song lyrics reminded me of what we were talking about, “didn’t you say church should look more like a hospital.” After they’d gone home, I got this text from Jackie.

I truly hope everyone who takes the time to read this is as happy, content, and “full” as I feel right now. God is good, and He’s blessed me with such an amazing group of people I get to call my family. My people.

~John Cougar Mellencamp

Jackie, Mj, and I went and swam in Justin and Jackie’s pool, yesterday evening. The boys went to the gym. When they got back, we all went to Jackie and Justin’s house. The boys trimmed and marinated the briskets they’re going to grill, on the Fourth of July.

Later, we all went back to our house. We hung out on the back patio, and played some cornhole games.

My sister and her husband brought Pj over, this morning. They went to brunch, with Justin and Jackie. Then, they all went to a place where they bowled, go kart raced, and had a good time. We got to spend most of today with Pj. She was a pretty happy baby, all day! This evening, I gave her a bath. She loves to splash in water. After, I rubbed Baby Magic lotion on her, same as I used to do with my own babies. Then, I took her for a walk, outside. I ate a popsicle, while Adam was holding her. I decided to share with Pj. She LOVED it! I teased my sister, I was sugaring up their baby right before they picked her up 😆

It’s a little after 9:00pm, on a Saturday night. I hear lots of fireworks going off, in the neighborhood. Adam and I are just having a quiet night. It’s been a long, but fun, day! Tomorrow, we are going to make Jell-O shots, to bring to Poppy’s on the fourth. Mj and I are also going to make an ice cream cake. Mj asked me to cut her hair, so I’m going to do that for her tomorrow, too.

That pretty much sums up all the excitement here, since yesterday! I’m ready to lay on the couch, and zone out to something on TV.