Second Chance

My eyes are open wide
By the way
I made it through the day

~Shinedown

I woke up to a cloudy, rainy day. It’s cool, mid 60’s. It’s humid, though, so it feels sticky. I was talking with my dad, yesterday. That conversation made me realize, it’s October. October is, historically, a very tough month, for me. I hadn’t even considered it, until he asked me if I was okay. There’s just something about the change in seasons, as we move from Summer, into Fall. I don’t even dislike Fall, to be honest. I seem to have this leftover ick, from an incredibly difficult time in my past, when it comes back again. The smell of coffee brewing, on a cool morning. The way the days grow shorter. Even the change in the clothes I put on, when the weather’s cooler. These things affect me in ways I don’t rightly understand. They just do. Despite this, I’m okay. I really am. I took some time to myself. I needed it. I’m no good at putting on a “mask”, and pretending. I am who I am. I do try hard not to put my own shit onto other people. This is probably why I sometimes need to take a little time, alone. I don’t think I neglect Adam, or our kids? I simply don’t have the energy to give to people beyond them. It’s as if I’ve only got a little bit of oxygen left, and I must conserve it.

I haven’t pissed Adam off, in a good while, either. Now that I think about it, I can see he’s shown me grace. He understands me. He knows when I just need him to give me space. When I need him to hold me. When I need him to call me on my bullshit. There truly hasn’t been much bullshit, lately. Well, maybe I’ve been keeping it all inside, if there is? Either way, there’s been no trouble. I never intend to make anyone worry! It literally becomes a survival mode, to hide inside myself, every so often. I’m letting me out, again. Slowly. I’m opening up, and sharing again.

I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup, for supper. I didn’t feel that exhausted need for rest, this morning. I dusted, vacuumed, swept, and mopped. I went to a couple stores, with Jackie. Then, we spent time down in my basement, crafting. She’s been painting some real pretty pictures! She gave me one. It has sunflowers on it, and I love it.

It’s been a good day, despite the rain.