This game of life plays heavy on my heart and
Love is tough, but loneliness is twice as hard and
I’ll carry that ’bout everywhere I go
And they say pressure makes diamonds, how the hell am I still coal?

~Dylan Gossett

I haven’t written about my mother in a good while. The thing is, I haven’t needed to. I feel a vast empty nothing, when she comes to my mind. I’ve talked with Jackie, several times, about how my heart must be (at least) somewhat made of stone? When I make the decision to say “goodbye” to something, or someone, it’s final. There just isn’t any going back again. It’s over. I’ve successfully given up a lot of unhealthy habits. When I chose to do it, that was just it. I was done. And, I stayed done. When I put something down, and decide I’ll never again pick it up, I absolutely mean it. Goodbye is not a word that I use haphazardly. My great grandpa never said it. It was always “see ya later”, when he hung up the phone, or hugged us as we parted. When he died, I was seventeen years old. I had the most realistic, and beautiful, dream. He pulled up in his green Ford Taurus. Funny story about that car. He’d wrecked it, in Arizona. Rather than admit he’d had an accident, he went and bought an identical car, and said nothing to anyone. This was eventually discovered, but I still think that’s hilarious! Anyway, in my dream, he pulled up. He got out of his car, and he talked to me awhile. He told me to “be a good kid”, as he always said to me. He hugged me, and he said “goodbye”, as he walked to his car. As he pulled away, he waved to me. I knew he had come to tell me goodbye. After that dream, I never say “goodbye” to the people in my life. It’s always “see ya later”. Jackie has picked up on this, over the years, and often says the same now. Adam also knows this, so he doesn’t tell me “goodbye”, when he hangs up the phone, or walks out the door. Every once in awhile, he slips, and will say it. He actually did that, just last Friday.

He was helping Justin move a washer and dryer into their place. Then they had to hook it all up. Apparently, that didn’t go as smoothly as they’d expected it to. Jackie tried to text and call Justin, and he wasn’t responding. She was here at my house, hanging out with me, while the boys did that. So, I called Adam. I knew he’d answer. He did. However, he had been grouchy, and he told me “goodbye”, when we hung up. It was kind of funny, because before I could even give him any grief about it, he’d texted me in his attempt to correct his mistake.

All of this to say, I take goodbye very seriously. When I say goodbye to an addiction, or a bad habit, I mean it. I never say it, unless I genuinely mean it. It’s like making a covenant with myself. I don’t break my promises. I had never said those words to someone I loved, until I spoke them to MiKayla’s dad. And, that was it. The only other person I’ve said it to, is my mother. Although, she wasn’t here to hear it. I simply spoke it into my soul. I had to say goodbye to her. I had to let go. Let go of the hurt, the disappointment. To let go of what I wish had been, or would be, and accept what is. There is a freedom in allowing myself to do that. That’s not to say it’s easy for me to do, but so much of my joy was being robbed by my own thoughts being consumed with things (and someone) I cannot change. The serenity prayer says, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference”. The definition of “serenity” is, “the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled”. I suspect this is why my quiet goodbye to her has created the comfort and peace that I’ve felt from within.

This is the best Fall I’ve had, yet! October has always been the toughest month of the year, for me. I had a bad day or two, but nothing like the ones I’ve experienced before. I feel so much relief, and a sense of accomplishment, knowing I have gotten myself to the “other side” of some very deep pain that I’ve had to fight my way out of. I did it. I understand life is most certainly going to lead me into more “holes”, but I am assured I can, and will, get through them. I’m comforted by the people around me, who’ve been here with me through the tough times. The people who never hesitate to climb into the “holes” I’m stuck inside, and help me back out. I know my dad, my sister, and my brother love me. I know they always want the best for me. The people I need though, are Jackie and Adam. They’re my true “ride or die”. I’m missing Jackie this evening. I’ve been so busy, and exhausted, taking care of these tiny children now. I want to go craft shopping. I want to go downstairs and craft. I want to sit in my kitchen, and have the energy to talk and laugh with her. We need a day to hang out again, soon. ❤️

Loved and hated
Extremely motivated
Overcame the pain I feel rehabilitated
Never let the frustration ever get the best of me
At times I would handle most my problems too aggressively
Kept to myself I was sick of people lying to me
Lifestyle of the rich and famous it ain’t all pretty
Glamorize the city lights but damn I love the humble towns
Since I reached that natural high I’m never coming down

What if these broadway lights don’t shine
Like they’re supposed to
When you work so hard that you lose everyone
You’re close to
Can’t stand on stage, can’t sing these songs
When people don’t know the words
Nashville can make you hurt
These dreams should’ve came with a pain pill

~Austin Tolliver & Bezz Believe

My dad texted me, to let me know he won’t be home for Thanksgiving, this year. Nashville has a way of devouring people in the business of music. All your time and energy are put into people who will suck you dry, and then leave you when there’s nothing left to take from you. Meanwhile, the people who’ve been your biggest supporters, through it all, sit in last place. Priorities unravel to the point you forget to remember what (and who) truly matter. So, it’s just going to be Adam, our kids, Justin, Jackie, and me at our Thanksgiving dinner. Oh well. I’m sure we’ll have a great celebration, even if it’s just us.

Closing time, time for you to go out
To the places you will be from…

I know who I want to take me home…

Closing time, every new beginning
Comes from some other beginning’s end.

~Semisonic

This past Saturday, Justin and Jackie came over. Mikayla and her boyfriend also hung out with us. We all played some silly games. I made rotel dip with tortilla chips, for us all to munch on. I had made a lemon cake, a few days earlier, so we snacked on that too. I love that my daughter wants to be part of our shenanigans, and her boyfriend participated too! We all had a lot of laughs.

Sunday, we all went to church. Later, Adam, Mj, and I took Oliver for a long walk, around our neighborhood. It’s been beautiful. Sunny and 70’s. Today, it’s a little warm in our house, but I’m definitely not going to complain! I had made a fried chicken casserole, for supper. I was so sleepy, after we ate last night. I curled up in Adam’s lap, on the couch, and fell asleep. He woke me up, around 10:00pm, and we went to bed. I felt good, this morning! The littles arrived, at 5:00am. They always go back to sleep, which gives me a chance to drink my coffee. Then, I start waking up my kids, so they can get ready for school. The littles usually wake up just after mine leave for school. My time is pretty much consumed, taking care of them, until they leave. They leave just as my kids begin arriving home from school. Of course, then my kids want my attention. Before I know it, it’s time to fix supper. We eat, I clean up supper dishes, Adam and I take our shower, go to bed, and start all over again the next day. Today, I found myself with a little bit of time to spare, so I wanted to write. My energy “tank” still has some gas in it. I find I’m on “empty”, some days. It feels good to feel good.

I’m going to make ziti, for supper, tonight. I’ve gotten two loads of laundry done. I even took a few minutes to do my hair and apply pretty smelling lotion and perfume. I didn’t end last night by having Adam inside me. He did keep me held in his arms, all night long, but I’m looking forward to making up for that lost opportunity, tonight. I’m in the mood to play with my husband. To be silly awhile, and then sexy. His day didn’t start off well. He was stopped along the interstate, where he had to watch as paramedics wheeled the deceased passenger from a horrible car accident, into the ambulance. The driver was taken into the emergency helicopter. I prayed for that person, and for the families of everyone involved. It’s a very sobering thing, witnessing something so tragic and unfortunate. I’ve been looking so forward to giving Adam a big hug, and appreciating him in all the ways I can think of.

~Florida Georgia Line

It’s Friday! I’ve had a busy week. These extra kiddos are a lot of extra time, energy, and work. I love them, but it’s a lot harder to find any time for myself.

This Tuesday was Halloween. Wyatt chose to go to a wrestling practice, rather than trick or treat, this year. Mikayla and Mj dressed up. Mikayla went as Wednesday, and Mj went as Enid.

MiKayla’s boyfriend came over, and they took Mj around the neighborhood trick or treating. Adam and I handed out candy, here at our house. Justin and Jackie came over. We didn’t stay up too late, but it was a fun evening. My kids were out of school, the day after Halloween. They’d scheduled a teacher in-service day. I definitely appreciated that. It’s always so hard, after Halloween. The kids want to trick or treat. They hang out with friends. Then, they have to come home and shower, settle down, and be up early the next morning. This made it much easier on everyone.

On Monday, I had gotten a bill I wasn’t expecting to receive. I wasn’t surprised to see the regular amount, but I was caught very off guard to see there was a late charge attached to it. In September, after MiKayla’s accident, I had messed up on something else. I’d forgotten to schedule the payment on a different bill. Because of that, it was late. I’m usually very good about these things. It was just so chaotic, I completely lost track of time. Adam had sympathy on me. He didn’t get upset, or seriously spank me for it. He was understanding. When this new bill (for something else) arrived, this Monday, I was really confused. I hadn’t done anything wrong, that I’d known about!? It turns out, since I’d scheduled the payment for this bill on a Saturday, it didn’t actually go through until the following Tuesday! Because of this, it was considered late. It was due on the day before it processed, which then made it late. I think that’s bullshit. If I’d have submitted that same payment on Monday, rather than Saturday, it would’ve been on time! Now that I’m aware of this, I will definitely be more careful, but I truly had no idea! So, this Tuesday, Halloween, I explained all of this to Adam. Again, he wasn’t angry with me, but he kept insisting that he was going to spank me for it. Beings it was Halloween, with constant trick or treaters at our door, and Justin and Jackie here, nothing more was mentioned. Until, we got in the shower, later that night. I’m honestly proud of myself, for expressing my feelings without becoming disrespectful or raising my own voice. I was upset. I was upset for a few reasons. Adam hadn’t punished me for the issue in September. Even though, in all fairness, that one was my own fault. Threatening that he was going to, over something that I did not feel entirely responsible for, seemed incredibly unfair. I never lied to him. I wasn’t hiding anything. I had no awareness, whatsoever, there was an issue. Until, that stupid bill arrived, with a “late fee”. I did my very best “lawyering”, and I explained to him, I didn’t feel it was fair to put me “in prison” for “stealing a piece of bubblegum”, after he’d just recently let a “murder” slide. Even though, neither of those things was ever done intentionally, I do accept that it was my responsibility for the one bill being overlooked. However, I did not forget, or overlook, this recent one. I had no knowledge of an issue. Had I known, I’d have done things differently. I absolutely thought I’d done everything right. It just isn’t all on me, that they didn’t process a payment I made for several damn days! Adam did begin to get a little bit frustrated with my arguments, and he raised his voice a little bit to me. I told him “Keep it up, Adam. Raise your voice and get mad, because that’ll make sure you don’t come out of this one on top”. That statement was enough to settle his frustrations. He knew I was right about that part, at the very least. If he lost his cool, he’d no longer maintain his authority. I said what I said, in my best efforts to save him from slipping. It wasn’t about me, in that moment. It was about helping to remind my husband not to step down from his position. I will not, and cannot, accept anything he might say or do, if he isn’t maintaining his own composure. Adam has never put his hands on me in anger. Nor do I believe he ever would. But, anything he might try to say to me, out of anger, will never be heard by me. It only serves as kindling for the fire that’s already begun. Things get heated, and nobody feels good about the results. I also told Adam, I had tried hard to give him my perspective of this situation, in a respectful way. I had not insulted him. I hadn’t raised my voice. I simply stated my opinions. After this, he stepped back, and I could see he was considering all of the things I’d said to him. Finally, he told me, “You’re right.” I smiled. Not out of malice, but because I realized he was understanding where I was coming from, now. He listed out his “rules”. The ones that would, from now forward, always result in a serious spanking. They essentially amounted to disrespect, disobedience, and dishonesty. I’m not going to argue against those things. I agree, I should be accountable for breaking those rules. As I’ve said before, I just get frustrated when he decides he’s going to bust by butt over something “little”, while ignoring another thing that I understood to have been a “big” issue. Obviously, there are going to be considerations. Life isn’t predictable. It’s hard sometimes. Shit happens. I know Adam and I both agree, that intent has a lot to do with what consequences are delivered. An accident, or a mistake, is not the same thing as deliberately breaking a rule. Consistency matters, a lot. Understanding, patience, and trust matter most, though. It isn’t as simple as writing down a list of “do’s and don’t’s”. This stuff requires a deep love and understanding about the people participating. Adam knows me better than anyone. Because of this, I trust him. I trust that he knows me well enough to always do his best at providing whatever it is that I need the most, in any given situation. I believe that he does exactly that, too. We’re both human. We can’t possibly always be right. We learn and grow from mistakes, and then we move forward.

It should be a great weekend. I’m excited to spend it relaxing with my favorite people. ❤️