Brave is eighteen wearing army green
Truth is in the words, in red we read
Proud is what you say about where you’re from
Heroes are daddies and mamas are love
Where right is right, and wrong is wrong, yeah we’re
Doing things a little different ’round here

~Riley Green

Mj had a choir contest, and they got first place! She was sooo excited and proud!

Wyatt had his first baseball game, last night, too. He’s getting so grown, and handsome. It makes me teary, just looking at photos like these.

I’ve got the littles, causing mayhem and mischief here, this morning. I’m trying to get some cleaning done, but every time I turn my back, there’s trouble!

We’ve had some gorgeous, Spring fever inducing, weather. I took the littles on a long walk, yesterday. Then, Adam and I took Oliver for a walk, yesterday evening. The warmth and sunshine sure do put me in a good mood! I really don’t have a whole lot else to say. I’m just happy, proud to be at this stage of my life, and grateful for today. If I could only bottle up the joy I feel, during days like these, I swear we’d achieve world peace.

On the dance floor, she had two-three drinks
Now she twerkin’, she throw it out and come back in

When we pull up to the scene, they be filled with jealousy
If a bitch get finicky, she gon’ bring that energy (pop-pop-pop)
I hit her phone with the tea, like, “Bitch, guess what?”

That my best friend, she a real bad bitch…

~Saweetie

We went bowling, last night. I did not bowl very well, at all, but it was fun! Jackie actually did pretty good! The boys weren’t too shabby, either. After we finished a couple games, we decided to migrate over, into the bar area. They had karaoke set up. Jackie was hilarious! She’s so unafraid to go be silly, and make it a great time. We did a little dancing, and she did some karaoke. It was such a fun night!

I shouldn’t have to clarify these things, but due to recent comments, I’m going to. Jackie was really hurt, yesterday, when she read some comments on a blog post she’d made. For anyone wondering, Jackie is working right now. She’s got a job, to help pay for their wedding. I babysit for her sister’s little kids. Not because I feel obligated, but because I choose to. I love these babies! Yes, it’s a lot of work, but I certainly wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t want to. Jackie has given me her blog info. I have the ability to go and read her posts, if I wanted to. I don’t do it, simply because I respect her privacy. I always read the things she shares with me, but she is allowed to have her own space to write. Jackie has every right to her thoughts and feelings. I am not offended by that. She isn’t just some “side kick”, of mine. She isn’t my “costar”. She is her own person, at the beginning of a whole new and beautiful start in her life. Of course, I want to always be a part of her life! But, she isn’t required to consider me in every decision she makes, either. She is a grown up, with her own goals, desires, fears, struggles, annoyances….and she is entitled to all of them! Even if she was frustrated with me, and needed to write about it in her blog, that’s okay. Neither of us are perfect human beings. The friendship, loyalty, trust, and love we have for one another is very very real, though. I care so much about her! It makes me sad, to see her upset. I hate that she’s feeling guilty about sharing her personal thoughts in her own blog. I feel guilty, for encouraging her to begin her blog! Jackie is a beautiful and thoughtful and talented and generous and kind woman. She does do a lot for her sister, too! Things neither of us probably have ever mentioned in our blogs. She isn’t simply my best friend. She’s family. Not because we’re obligated by blood, but because we CHOOSE it to be so.

I realize, I sometimes write out my thoughts and feelings, but can’t possibly include every detail to give context. For example, the post about my frustrations with Adam and our son. I hadn’t mentioned that Adam and I have had several conversations around our son’s attitude and his rude mouth. If I decide to argue, or call Wyatt out, it seems to always lead to an even bigger problem. When Adam does it, Wyatt straightens right up. So, I need Adam’s help. Wyatt’s a teenager full of raging hormones and all the teenage woes. He needs his dad to teach him about being a man. That’s just something I can’t possibly do by myself. My girls have been so much easier, for me. They never sass back to me. They absolutely hate to make any mistakes. If they don’t do well on a test at school, or neglect a chore they were supposed to get done, they wind up beating themselves up about it. It’s almost never even necessary for us to discipline them, because they’re tough on themselves. Wyatt is different. He’s stubborn and he can be a bit arrogant at times. I love him to death, and the truth is, he reminds me so much of myself, at his age. My point is, despite the many many things shared here, there are also so many more that aren’t necessarily written about. It’s impossible to fully put context into a blog post. There’s a lot of history, emotions, and different opinions that go into every single story being told. We’re real people. Our stories are true. They’re incomplete, and told with varying perspectives, but they’re real. It isn’t my job to convince anyone of that, but me and my people all know the truth. I write in this blog because it helps me to process my story. It’s my own online “diary”, and if I’m able to spread some hope, joy, or possibly even some wisdom, that’s a huge bonus! I’m positive Jackie feels the same way about her writing. While we do have a whole lot in common, we’re also like a box of chocolates, as Forest Gump once said. We have our own unique flavors. And, that’s more than okay. It’s necessary. We need the varying energy, ideas, perspectives, strengths, and weaknesses. That’s what makes the relationships we share so strong and powerful. Jackie brings so much light into my world! I hope I’m doing the same for her. We’ve been together for over 2 decades! We’ve written a whole lot of pages in each other’s stories. Life isn’t always easy, or perfect. We aren’t always easy to love, I’m sure. Nothing and nobody will ever convince me that Jackie doesn’t love and care for me in the same ways that I do her, though. We’re “Lucy and Ethel”. Even when we’re mad at each other (which is very rare), we always love each other. There are only a handful of people I genuinely can’t imagine living without, and Jackie’s definitely at the top of that list.

Guess you might say I’m a little intense
I’m on the bright side of being hell-bent
So, take it from me, you’re not the only one
Who can’t see straight (can’t see straight)

If you were ever in doubt
Don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof
Hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed
But you gotta try
And I’m calling out

Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
What’s taking so long?
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Stop stalling, I’m calling out
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
Ain’t nothing wrong
‘Cause I believe you can be whatever
And I agree you can do much better, trust me

~SHINEDOWN

We had so much fun, Saturday evening. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant near us. We came back home, and wound up just sitting around telling stories, laughing and talking.

It was such a shame, after having this great night with everyone, it wound up going bad. Wyatt has had a real bad attitude. Sometimes, he can get way too mouthy and rude. It frustrates the crap out of me! Especially, when he aims his attitude at me. That’s exactly what happened, in the middle of our good time. He said some hurtful things, and worse than that, Adam allowed it to happen. As a result of all that, I was upset. I waited until everyone had left, and Adam and I were climbing into our bed, to let my feelings be known. I called Adam a “pussy”, and eventually told him to just shut up. We went to sleep, after that. The next morning was very quiet. We barely spoke to each other. Eventually, Adam came to talk with me. He apologized for saying nothing, while our son treated me that way. He told me I was just as disrespectful to him [Adam], though, because of the comments I made before bed. While he’s not wrong, I was disrespectful as fuck to Adam, I honestly felt justified, in that moment. It’s such a backwards way to go about things, but I think I honestly do things like that because I know it’ll “wake Adam up”. If I’m willing to cross those lines, something’s wrong. The truth is, he probably did the best thing, immediately after I’d spoken to him that way. He turned over and went to sleep. In the next morning light, though, I almost wanted Adam to punish me for it. Even inside moments like that was, I’m fully aware that I’m saying and doing things I’d normally get my butt whooped for. I also know, in moments like that, he won’t. When I am that angry, and actually justified in my own frustrations, he knows he messed up. This creates a dilemma, in his own mind. How can he punish me, when he has also fucked up? I realized, just yesterday, I believe I push so hard against him, when he’s wrong, because I’m desperately trying to make my Adam come back. I need him to hear me, to understand where I’m coming from. I also so want him to right himself again, asap. I don’t mean to just “kick him when he’s down”. That’s truly not what my intentions are. I feel as if the man in front of me isn’t my husband. My husband wouldn’t let any of this happen. So, if I can find a way to bring him back to me, that’s what I’m going to do. I suppose it’s unfortunate, but saying and doing outrageously disrespectful shit does help to “wake him up”, most always. I do wish to find a better way to handle those kind of situations. I wish Adam wouldn’t let me get away with that shit. At least, I wish that after the “smoke has cleared.” I wouldn’t do that, if it didn’t work. But, it does do the job of grabbing his attention, letting him know I mean it. The worst part is the next day. The next day, Adam’s been knocked down hard, and his confidence is shaken badly. Then, I again just so want to “get him back”, I struggle not to continue to push against him. To keep being defiant and difficult. My quiet hope, so quiet that I hadn’t even recognized this to be the case, until now, is for Adam to stand himself up tall again. I genuinely want him to make it all stop. Even if that means I’m paying consequences for my own actions. I gamble. Either he’ll find his strength and authority, or I’ll “win”. The crazy part is, I don’t want to win. Winning would be getting my husband back. I don’t want to break him. I guess I just know exactly where his weak spots are, and I press against them because I’m hoping that showing them to him will make him better and stronger. That way, we won’t have to do this again. I’m not entirely sure this makes any sense written out here? I do realize how ridiculous it must all seem. Sometimes, I really wish I was capable of picking Adam up, putting him over my knee, and spanking him until he’s sorry. Clearly, that isn’t a possibility. So, I need to find a better way to handle stuff like that. I’m aware the way I can act is the absolute opposite of doing right. But, why does the wrong thing seem to be the best way to accomplish my goal of letting him know I’m serious, and he was wrong?

[…or so]

~Shinedown

This morning, Justin and Jackie came by, and we all made a Costco trip. We just got back home. Jackie went home to take a shower. Then, they’ll be back over here, so we can get ready. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are going out tonight! We’re planning to go eat at a local Mexican restaurant. After that, we’ve made no concrete plans yet, but we’re doing something fun.

It’s cold as hell, today. The last week was gorgeous, but our weather has decided to turn cold, just for the weekend.

I suppose I should update here, on what happened after I decided to inform Adam about the possible issue. The night before last, while we were in the shower, I talked to him. I explained everything, and why I had neglected to tell him about this sooner. I reasoned, there’s nothing we can do to change the outcome anyhow, so there was no need in worrying him with this. At first, he was upset. He can’t stand to think I would keep things from him, because I’m “afraid” of him. He asked me, “Have you EVER told me something, and I’ve just turned into the hulk on you?” The answer is no, of course not! Adam had never once lost his temper with me. As I carefully chose my words, I was able to explain that it isn’t that I am afraid he will lash out at me. I just feel bad for him, when there’s already a lot going on. I feel selfish, dumping more onto him. I asked him, “Don’t you have things that worry you? Things that sometimes keep you up at night, but you see me sleeping peacefully. You think to yourself, she’s got enough going on. I’m not about to burden her with this stupid thing that’s bothering me right now.” At first, he insisted that he tells me everything. I argued, though. I know that’s not true. He’s this big and strong and capable man. He has fears and worries. He has struggles. I know damn well, he doesn’t share all of those with me! When I’m afraid, and I confide in him, he is quick to assure me that everything will be okay. However, I guarantee there are times where he’s also thinking, to himself, how the hell am I going to fix this? Every once in awhile, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, for him. I’m attempting to handle a problem, without asking him to take it on. This conversation immediately softened him. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t even concerned. He said, whatever happens with it, we’ll figure it out just like we always do. He told me he was questioning himself, about what to do with my not sharing this with him. He now understood my intentions clearly, and he was actually touched, knowing I genuinely wanted to help to protect him. However, he was afraid if he let this go, I would take this as permission to continue to leave out information he should know about. I promised him, had this been my mistake, or anything that could be changed or influenced by actions we could’ve taken now, I’d have told him. I hadn’t said or done one darned thing to earn a spanking in nearly half a year. That’s something! In the end, Adam didn’t punish me for this. He did ask me to please not ever feel like I need to keep things from him. He wasn’t angry, though. He knew I truly had the best intentions, and despite this, that I felt guilty about holding onto even the smallest “secret”. I actually debate myself, sometimes. Isn’t it kind of selfish, to have a concern, or a problem, and instantly ask my husband to fix it? Isn’t it selfish, to only share information with him because I don’t want my butt to be sore? I don’t know? There are a lot of questions, like these, that pass through my own thoughts.

When we went to bed, that night, Adam practically ripped off my clothes. He wanted me. I needed him, too. We had the kind of sex that I can still feel in my body the next day. It was amazing.

After all of that, I still managed to find myself in trouble, last night… It was most certainly not intentional, either. I wasn’t attempting to create trouble. It just happened. It wouldn’t be wise to inform Adam of this, but… to be completely honest, the spanking didn’t really hurt. I think he’s been easy on me, because I’ve so obviously been trying hard to avoid trouble. Although I was very nervous, for him to get home from work, after he’d texted me what was coming as a result of my infraction yesterday, it wasn’t nearly as serious as I’d feared. I’d made a mistake. An honest mistake. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a repeat offense. Something I’ve done many times before. But, this time was different. I hadn’t forgotten, or necessarily even procrastinated on this thing I needed to get done. I simply hadn’t prioritized it. There’s been a whole lot happening, and it was on my list of things to do. Unfortunately, I had no idea it mattered when this got taken care of, until I was notified. So, because of my misunderstanding of the urgency to take care of an issue, there were unforeseen consequences. Both for Adam’s wallet, and my behind. Still, I’m able to sit down perfectly fine today 😉

I’m going to go and do my best to make myself pretty, before we go out tonight. I’ve been so looking forward to a night like this one, with my husband, my best friend, and her man. It’s gonna be a great night. I’m going to make sure of it.

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

~Taylor Swift

My babies are growing up so fast, right now. I suppose they’ve been growing at a steady rate, all along, but suddenly…they seem so grown. Wyatt and Mj have added inches, to their heights, this past year. Wyatt’s bigger and stronger than I am, now. His daddy can still take him, though! I was talking to Wyatt, the other day. I told him, when you’re young, your parents are so “old”. Then, one day, you look at them and you think to yourself, my parents aren’t old! And, that’s when you realize you’re getting older, too. Acknowledging the fact that all our lives will have an end, is a tough thing. I know my brother would tease about how, one day, he would be big and strong, and he would be able to win a “wrestling match” against our dad. When the day does come, that it’s obvious you’d be able to “take” your own father, all you’ll wish is for your daddy to be the strong and capable and heroic man you always knew you could count on, growing up. Sure, you could knock him to the ground, but now you wish that weren’t true. You worry about your parents. You pray they can look, feel, and act as “old” as your memories remember them.

We ordered Mikayla’s cap, grown, and tassel, for her upcoming graduation. She’s going to the University of Tennessee, at Knoxville, this Fall. We’re so proud of her! She’s been offered a full scholarship. That kid is the hardest working teenager I’ve ever met. She’s earned this. I remind myself, this is the goal. As a parent, your purpose is to raise up your children. For them to be capable, ready, and willing to spread their own wings, and fly. My babies will forever be my babies, though. I used to love to dance with them. I spent countless hours, dancing in the kitchen, while I held them. When Mikayla was a baby, I listened to a lot of “Michael Buble”, early “Taylor Swift”, and “Kenny Chesney”. I remember the way she smelled. I can still feel her tiny head resting on my shoulder. I would hold her, and dance, and sing, well past the point my arms were aching from holding this small little baby for so long. I remember my own thoughts, please let this moment last just a little longer. Even then, in the middle of the chaos and haze of having new babies, almost no sleep, and the struggles of becoming an adult myself, I was very aware this day would come. Here it is, just over the horizon now. Before I know it, it’ll be my last baby’s turn to grow up. The time will come for her to spread her wings, and begin her own adventure. I’ve pondered thoughts of “what if”. What if, I could go back in time? Could take my babies back to the moments I cherish in my mind. It occurred to me, I’d miss them. I’d miss the people they are, right now. One of the biggest heartaches, of being a parent, is also one of life’s greatest joys. Watching our children show us who they are. They’re their own people. They have their own thoughts, memories, goals, dreams, fears… I guess I’m just hoping they don’t ever stop sharing themselves with me, at least sometimes. I hope they can remember me, their mama, and their hearts swell with the kind of love that mine does, when I think of them. Worrying and wondering about your kids, never stops. As they’re growing up, the worries evolve. Old fears are replaced by new possibilities. But, I can’t keep them safe in the way I used to. Laying on my shoulder, sleeping peacefully, while we danced in the kitchen.

And a lot more action

~Toby Keith

There has been a lot goin’ on, here! Our friend, Biscuit, had a stroke. He’s been in the hospital for a few weeks. He’s improving, and I think he will get through this and do alright, but that was scary. The baby (of the little people I watch here), Emma, was also in the hospital for a few days. She had a scheduled procedure, where they looked inside her airways to determine whether they will need to do reconstructive surgery. It was discovered she will not need to have that done, which is amazing! They have capped her trachea. She is almost exclusively breathing through her mouth and nose! Only when she’s sleeping, do I need to put her trachea “nose” on for her. In mid April, she’s going to have surgery to completely remove her trachea, too! I can’t describe how incredible it is, hearing Emma really talking. She truly is a miracle baby.

Wyatt is starting with Spring baseball training. Mj had a Valentine’s dance, yesterday. Mikayla’s boyfriend took her out, for Valentine’s Day.

Adam went to help a friend replace a part in their vehicle that I can’t name, and don’t have a clue about what it does, except that it took them three days to finally finish that project. He’s been real busy, this week. I’ve been keeping something from him. It’s nothing I did, or didn’t do. It’s just an unfortunate circumstance due to bad timing and unforeseen events. At first, I didn’t say anything because he was having such a good day. I didn’t want to make him worry. I was so enjoying having a fun, quiet evening with him. That was last Thursday… On Friday, Jackie and I were hanging out, talking and laughing. On Saturday, we had company. On Sunday, Adam went to Justin and Jackie’s place, to watch the Super Bowl. I had the other 2 littles here, because Emma was in the hospital. Then, Monday, Tuesday, and yesterday, he was working on that car after he got off work. He was getting home with just enough time to eat some supper, shower, and crawl into bed. Like hell I’m gonna bring up something that’ll stress him out after a long day like these were!!! The thing is, an entire week has now passed. I’m keenly aware of how Adam feels about me keeping things from him. I know he’s going to be upset with me. Not because the issue is my doing, but because I’ve chosen not to share this with him. Stuff like this is so hard for me, though! I genuinely feel like I’m protecting my husband. There’s not a damn thing either of us can do about it, so why dump it on him now? And, when is a good time to do that to him? If he’s had a great day, I don’t want to spoil it. If he’s had a crappy day, I’m not looking to pile more crap on… So, here we are. The thing is, it’s starting to make me feel “heavy”. I’m carrying this by myself, which I can handle. It’s the guilt, over not talking to him about it, that gets to me. Because he’s made it very clear that he does not want me to keep things from him. As much as I know this, I still convince myself that the best thing to do, is hold onto certain things, sometimes, by myself. And, another thing is, there’s a better than not chance that this issue will not even end up mattering at all! It’s very possible it won’t end up changing a thing. So, I can’t decide what to do. Do I tell him about all this crap, despite a complete inability to change anything? I could wait to find out whether it really is a problem at all. Of course, if it is a problem, I would share that with him. If he somehow found out that I’d known about all this though, he would be so upset with me. That’s the risk I’m weighing. I know this is a very vague description I’ve given here, but I don’t want to get into the details. Suffice it to say, it’s an insurance versus contractor issue. Well, possible issue. Our contractor brought it up, last Thursday. If this does become the problem he suggested was possible, although not likely, we’re going to be on the hook for a lot more money out of our pockets. We got our house all fixed up. The damage caused by tornadoes, in December, has been repaired. More than repaired, because we literally put the best roof you can buy on our house this time. Capable of withstanding, I believe, 160 mph winds. With a lifetime (as long as we live here) warranty. Or a 30 year transferable warranty, if we sold our house. Everything looks great! We were so happy with it all! A lot of people around here have had to fight their home insurance companies, since the tornadoes. Ours seemed to be coming through for us, with absolutely no hesitations. I’m hoping they don’t cause us problems now. They probably won’t. So, why am I even stressing it? Anyway, that’s what’s new with me.

Better back down, you’re in my domain
Got the whole crowd screaming out our name
It’s a blowout, it’s a hurricane
It’s over before you know it
Why you shaking, we’re a dynasty
In the making, we’re the royalty
Now we’re breaking down the enemy
Move over for the soldiers

Take a swing, I can take a hit
If we die, it’s fine, we live for this
It’s all for this…

We’re gonna stand on top with our hands in the sky
Gonna raise our cup to the stadium lights
For the glory
For the glory
We celebrate with the city tonight
Hear the hometown cheer, it’s the ultimate high
For the glory
We do it for the glory

~All Good Things featuring Hollywood Undead

Hollywood Undead is one of my favorite bands. Especially when I’m needing to really crank up the music and jam out to a song that helps me to express my frustrations. I’m very frustrated, right now. My brother got a phone call days ago. He’s being sent on his eighth deployment. Well, he’s on it now. He left yesterday morning. He wasn’t supposed to deploy again. He’s done so much, seen too much. He’s 38 years old. He’s just a year from being able to retire from his Navy career! But…our country has decided to call on people just like him, once again. I mentioned this, in my last post, but I’m struggling a lot with all of this now that he’s gone. I’m pissed off!

It’s the most bewildering thing, to me, how my brother can be such contrasting and different people, depending on who it is he’s addressing. I can make him cry. I’ve seen him weak. Yet, he is an incredible badass, too. I’m not sure how much I’m truly “supposed” to say, but he’s a Navy freaking SEAL. He’s been deployed as one of the “Frogmen”. He’s been through training I can’t imagine, let alone the places he’s had to actually use that training in real life situations. He’s a human “lie detector”, which terrifies our sister, because she’s afraid he’ll be able to tell she’s full of it when she insists she’s never smoked pot 😆 I am beyond proud of him. I can’t find the words to even express the admiration and appreciation I have for what he’s been through, sacrificed, done, and seen. The thing is, I’ve also seen what that’s done to him. I’ve witnessed the changes in him. He comes home desperately attempting to convince us that he’s fine. Meanwhile, it’s plainly obvious that he’s not. He won’t talk about most of it. I’ve gotten bits and pieces of stories. They’re enough for me to understand it’s more than I can imagine. When he’s deployed, he exists inside a world that looks nothing like the beautiful happy bubble I live inside. Knowing he’s on his way to this foreign destination, one full of danger and death and destruction, it’s a difficult emotion to describe in words. The best I can say is, I’m frustrated and afraid. My brother is an amazing man, but he’s got scars, both visible and invisible, caused because of the things he’s been asked to do for our country. He barely resembles the boy I grew up with. I only get glimpses of that boy, occasionally. Most of the time, he’s hard, guarded, quiet, and cautious as hell. I see the way he seems to always be watching for something bad to happen. He never truly relaxes. I so want him to be back home again. At the same time, he always says to me that he does this because someone has to. He allows himself to be used like a pawn on a chess board, because he knows someone needs to stand in that place.

I’m so glad he got to be here and spend time with us at Christmas time! I miss him. My heart aches knowing there are new scars about to be made on and inside him. I pray for his safe return, knowing full well what that still means. We’re all thrilled to have him back home, but it’s never quite him. He’s always replaced with a version of the man who left us. He resembles my brother, but isn’t quite the same. How many pieces can be torn from who he is, before we no longer recognize him?