~Breaking Benjamin

There are a handful of my “regulars”, people who often comment on my posts, who I genuinely feel connected to. I’m sharing such intimate details of my own life here, and over time, I gather bits and pieces from my followers comments. I had an older gentleman, “AZpop”, who would comment after every single one of my blog posts. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. I think of him, and worry and wonder what’s happened in his life. There are a few more folks I feel I’ve gotten to know, that I often wonder about as well. For what it’s worth, I wanted to say that you, my readers, mean a whole lot to me. I genuinely hope that everyone is doing well, and I pray for y’all when I’m made aware of your struggles. Paddlefan, Nora, Vickie, Annie, and all who come across my writing here, please know you matter to me. I appreciate all the support and encouragement I’ve received so much. I truly do look forward to hearing from everyone, and enjoy learning about you, your lives, and your opinions. I needed to say this, tonight.

Love, Me

So bum me a cigarette, buy me a beer till i’m happy to be here,
Happy to be here.

~Noah Gundersen

I just don’t have a whole lot to say! It was a pretty good week. I had the littles, of course. It’s been nice weather, so we’ve been outside a lot.

My sister sent me a video of Pj, a couple days ago. She’s getting soooo big!!

Wyatt had a baseball game, this afternoon. There’s some great pictures, from it. He’s been pitching, recently. He’s doing a great job, too!

My dad (Poppy) was in a recent TV episode that came out. I’m so damn proud of him! He’s had several magazine articles written and short pieces done about him, but this was an entire episode dedicated to him and his work. It was so cool! I would love to share more about him here, but I just don’t want to destroy any last semblance of anonymity I have left, with this blog.

I went to the store, this afternoon, to grab a few things we still need for our Easter dinner. Poppy, his girlfriend, Justin and Jackie, Adam, our kids, and me will all be here. A friend of our daughter also asked to come participate in our egg hunt, next Sunday afternoon. Of course, I told her she’s welcome to!

It’s been a quiet weekend. We’re planning to play some badminton, tomorrow afternoon, with the kids. This evening, Adam is watching a movie upstairs, and I’m in the basement, watching TV. We had a big supper. All the kids were here, plus Mikayla’s boyfriend. It was fun, sitting around the table and being silly with everyone. I told Mikayla, a couple days ago, about her graduation present. I didn’t want her to make any plans over the time I’d booked for our trip. So, I informed her. Mikayla, Jackie, and I are going to be staying on Alabama’s Gulf Shores for 4 days. There’s tons of fun stuff to do. Mikayla was super excited about it, too! I’m so happy to have been able to give her a graduation gift that she’s this thrilled about. I went ahead and booked our reservations for shortly after her graduation. We’ll be staying somewhere with a pool, hot tub, a big balcony, a kitchen, and plenty of space for the three of us. We’ll be right by the ocean, too. I can’t wait! Well, maybe I can? Time’s already going way too fast.

Adam and my anniversary is coming up, next Tuesday. That’s the 13th anniversary of our “church wedding”. We were legally married, in secret, April 14, 2009. We were “church married”, in front of our family and friends, March 26, 2011. I truly mean this, I’m more in love with him, after all the years we’ve been together. I’m more attracted to him. I know him better. He knows me better. We’re often able to understand what each other needs and wants, without a word being spoken. I sincerely hope that he feels I’m as good of a wife as I do about him as my husband. I’m pretty certain he’s as crazy about me, as I am about him. While I’m not so naive to believe our marriage won’t require more work than we’ve already invested, I am confident we will be one of the married couples who “makes it”. I imagine us growing old together. We’ve weathered plenty of storms, already. No struggle has ever been so great, that I’ve even considered the possibility of tossing my marriage away. I’m so grateful that I found my very own “Prince Charming”, and he’s all mine.

I’ve been hanging onto my streak of avoiding trouble with Adam. It’s literally been so long, I can’t even remember the last time I was actually in real trouble. Everything has been so happy, and easy. I know it makes for a pretty boring blog, but oh my gosh do I enjoy it!

I also bought tickets for Jackie and I to go to a Nashville “ghost tour and true crime event”, this Summer. I wanted to do something fun with her, in lieu of a “bachelorette party”. She’s a huge true crime fanatic, so I think she’ll love it. I’m excited for all the fun and new adventures to come, but I’m also doing my best to enjoy every moment right now. I just want to soak in the easy, “light” way life feels. Everything is good. My family is good. Everyone is good. What an amazing blessing, to be able to say that.

I could use some back then, right now
’98 Chevy with the tailgate down
Fm only with the gold up loud
Burnin’ up the night
Innocent and wild
I could use a little more wide open
Back when all I wanted was the hand I was holdin’
Livin’ in the moment
With the good time crowd
Makin’ life count
Damn, I could use a little more
Back then, right now

~Tyler Hubbard

This week’s been a fairly typical one. I do have a little bruise on my butt, from a few days ago. Really, Adam and I were just messing around, though. Our shower time shenanigans just led to me playfully slapping Adam, and then him doing the same to my behind. It didn’t even hurt that bad, but I bruise fairly easily. It’s been a great time with my people. This morning, Adam and Wyatt cut down an evergreen tree out in the front of our house. It was just too large for the space it had been put into. It was growing into the house, and we decided it needed to go. Now, we’re going to find something smaller, that fits this space.

Justin came over, and helped my boys load up the remnants of the evergreen tree. They took it away, and went for a stump grinder. Jackie and I went to the store. We got all the stuff for sides, to go with the ribs Adam was grilling later. We all played cornhole, for awhile. Then, while the boys got the grill started, I threw the football with my kids and a few of their friends. We also set up the volleyball net, and decided bad minton would be fun to play. The boys ran to a Dick’s Sporting near us, and grabbed some badminton rackets and birdies, for us. We played badminton until supper was ready. Everything was delicious!

Everyone has gone home, now. I’m just sitting downstairs, watching Sons of Anarchy, (for like the 18th time). My most favorite shows are “I Love Lucy” and “SOA”. Such a crazy contradiction, as far as content goes, but I absolutely love them both.

The weather has been mostly gorgeous. All the trees are blooming. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, last Sunday, for the first time this year. I’m itching to get some flowers to plant, but I feel like I should wait just a little bit longer, so I’m positive there’ll be no more freezing temperatures. We’re almost there, though!

Mikayla got this, in the mail, last week.

My baby is about to “fly” away from our “nest”. She came home from work, a couple nights ago. She walked into my bathroom, while I was getting ready for bed. She asked me for a hug. I looked into her eyes, and saw hurt and sadness in them. I asked her what was the matter?! She started to bawl, and told me it had just hit her, she wouldn’t be able to talk to me everyday like this, much longer. She realized she wouldn’t be here, to eat supper with us all, much longer. She told me she’s afraid. She asked me, “What if I hate it there?” and, “What if I flunk out?!” I reassured her, she most definitely will not flunk out. I told her about my own experience with leaving home, around her age. There are definitely moments that are difficult, but it’s also so much fun. She’s going to grow and learn and become independent. Even so, no matter what, we will always be here for her. And, she can come home and see us all anytime she wants to! In fact, she’d better! Mikayla got into the engineering program. She will be studying to become an aerospace engineer. I find that absolutely incredible! I’m so unbelievably proud of my girl! She’s been busy searching for a dorm roommate, and making a list of the things she’ll be needing. I asked her to start a gift registry, so that we could all pick things she would be able to use, when everyone’s getting her graduation gifts. I’m also thinking of taking her on just a girl’s trip, as a graduation gift from Adam and I. He’s totally on board with the idea, too. So, I think I’m going to plan a fun trip for her and I to take together, before she moves to Knoxville. Even though it’s not that far, it is far enough. It’s far enough to have me worrying. I suppose that’s what every parent likely experiences, when their child goes to college. It’s just a first, for me. I’m so going to miss our daily chats. I’m not going to be able to look out and see her and her friends practicing their color guard flag routine, in our backyard. I won’t have so many extra kids here for supper, most nights. I’m going to miss the hell out of her. But, I’m trying to be strong and brave, because that’s what mothers are supposed to do, isn’t it? I’m also excited for her. I’m proud of her. I’m confident that she will succeed in all the things she’s setting out to do. My girl is a shining star, and she’s about to take all the beautiful light she carries, and share it with the rest of the world. She’ll never not be my baby, but she’s also going to be a whole lot of important things to other people than me. That’s the goal, as a parent. To raise our kids into strong and capable people. For them to arrive at a place where they no longer need their parents. I just hope she never stops wanting to share her life with me, the way she’s always done.

My world is changing. Life is moving forward. The pace seems all too quick, these days, but I’m helpless to change that. My babies are growing up, as I grow older too. I mean it when I say, being their mama is, and always will be, my greatest achievement. I literally beam with pride, when I talk about my babies. As they go out into the world, and show off their amazing abilities, a part of me swells with pride in knowing that I created that amazing person. They’re a part of me, and I’m a part of them. So, everything they do matters to me. Every achievement. Every fear. Every hurt. Every tear. I feel it all deeply. Nobody warned me about this part of motherhood. I’m honestly just “winging it”. I’m doing my very best, and when I look at my babies, I guess I’ve done a pretty good job.

Well hello T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Tell me what in the world
You doin’ A-L-O-N-E
Yeah say “hey” good L-double-O-K-I-N-G
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

~Travis Tritt

Jackie and I got to the hospital, only to learn Biscuit had been sent home. So, we drove to his house. His brother, and his brother’s husband, had just gotten him home. We sat and visited with Biscuit, his brother, his brother in law, and his Mama. They’re all such sweet people! Poor Biscuit was in a lot of pain, and frustrated with his situation, but he was so touched that we showed up for him.

Saturday, Adam helped Justin put a new alternator in his truck. Adam called me, Saturday evening, and asked if I would like to go out to eat with him. I took a shower, did my hair and makeup, and waited for him. When he got home, he showered and got himself ready, and then we went out to eat. Wyatt had had a baseball game, and was passed out in his bed. Mj was spending the night over at Justin and Jackie’s. Mikayla is visiting with her biological dad, for a few days. So, it was just the two of us. It was a lot of fun, spending some time hanging out just me and my husband!

On Sunday, the weather was absolutely gorgeous! Justin and Jackie came over, and we played some cornhole out back. Adam grilled burgers and hotdogs, and we all sat out on the deck. It was a perfect weekend.

Yesterday, I got in a little bit of trouble, with Adam. It’s a long story, but I had overpaid on one of our bills, in January. I hadn’t expected to owe anything again, for awhile. I decided to go ahead and check on that utility bill, yesterday, and discovered that even with my over payment, there was still like $75 left due…and that was due a few days ago. So, it was now late. It was an honest to God mistake! I didn’t have to even tell Adam about it, but I did. Considering I fessed up right away, and he understood how that happened, he wasn’t really upset with me. I’d told him about it, while we showered, last night. When we got out, and were drying ourselves off, he sat on the edge of our bathtub. I gave him my “side eye”, and did my best to talk him out of spanking me. But, he insisted that he had to. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and he had to slowly pry them off of him, so he could move me over his lap. He wasn’t angry with me, but he did give me a few swats that definitely stung. Then, he held onto me awhile, and thanked me for telling him anyway. Despite the fact that it could’ve been much worse, I really hated to get spanked, because I’ve done such a darned great job, for such a long time! I guess I was most frustrated with myself.

When we went to bed, we made love, and Adam kept me wrapped inside his arms all night long. I don’t have the littles this week, until Friday, and it’s my kids Spring Break, so I’ve been able to sleep in. I’m sooo enjoying this little break! I’ve been working on catching up on housework that’s needing done, and hanging out with my babies. As much as I do love the littles that I watch, I’ve missed the time and energy I haven’t had to give to my own family and home. It’s nice to have a little time to “recharge”. Jackie and I are planning to craft, later. It’s been too long, since we’ve had an afternoon to hang out and craft some new things! We picked up an old end table, someone had at the end of their driveway, a couple weeks ago. We need to get that painted and put new knobs on it. It’s so much fun to remake old things into something new and beautiful. Just writing about it has me in the mood to get to work now. I think I’ll give Jackie a call, and see what she’s up to.

You can always put a rain check in his hand 
‘Til you can’t

If you got a chance, take it, take it while you got a chance
If you got a dream, chase it, ’cause a dream won’t chase you back
If you’re gonna love somebody
Hold ’em as long and as strong and as close as you can
‘Til you can’t

~Cody Johnson

I’m having a real hard time, right now, y’all. My friend, Biscuit, isn’t alright. He’s dying. Writing those words, just now, he’s dying, has caused my tears to escape from my eyes. I’ve fought so hard to keep those emotions held inside. When tears threaten to form, I do everything that I can to force those thoughts and feelings away. There’s just something about saying (or even writing) the things I’ve known inside myself, that makes it more real. Admitting it out loud, makes it impossible to ignore the truth. Biscuit’s body is shutting down. He’s in pain, and he’s afraid. Hearing him tell me how scared that he is absolutely breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know what to say, or do. I want to be encouraging. I want to tell him it’s all going to be alright. We know it isn’t true, though. He’s not okay. He’s dying. All the shit he put his body through, when he was younger, is making him pay now. That debt has been called due. Nobody deserves to experience the pain and the sadness, the fear and regrets that he is right now. Well, some people do. But, not him. Biscuit never hurt a soul. He’s a good man. He’s got a great big heart. He’s such an amazing friend to have known.

Jackie and I are about to head over to the hospital he’s at. It’s a selfish motive I have, I suppose. I need to hug him, and tell him I love him. I cannot live with myself if I can’t do that once more. I desperately want him to be certain that he does have people who care. That I’m one of them. That he isn’t alone. That he will be so incredibly missed. All the things we neglect to reassure our loved ones of, until we can’t.