Disarm

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little [girl]
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a [girl] supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you,my love
I send this smile over to you

~The Smashing Pumpkins

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, four years ago, we went over to my mother’s place. I’d made her gluten free brownies, because she (says) she has celiac disease. Although, I very much doubt most of the illnesses she claimed for herself were ever real. She feigned so many health issues, in her attempts to get her hands on pills, and maintain our sympathy. I would excuse her selfish, cruel behaviors, and blame them on all of her health challenges. I can’t forget how hurt I was, that last Mother’s Day I spent, with my mom. She was angry with me. I couldn’t understand why? I thought maybe she was upset that I only brought her the brownies? She stumbled around, barely able to participate in our outdoor picnic lunch. I left there feeling so incredibly hurt and sad. That’s the last time I really saw her. I saw her during her wild, rage fueled trips to bang on my windows and doors. I saw her in court, when I had to petition for a protection order from her. I shouldn’t be feeling a damn thing for her, now. But, for some damn reason, today I am.

I have the most amazing family. I’m surrounded by people who love and care for me. There are no conditions placed on their time, attention, or their affection. They actually want to be with me. I just can’t understand why then, do I continue to notice the same “holes” within myself. Ones I truly believed I’d succeeded in filling up. Yet, somehow, every now and then, a day comes along and my mind digs back up these empty spaces I’ve so tried to replace with all of the beauty and love I do have. I’m frustrated with myself, because I have to stop this shit. I can’t keep allowing my past to hurt me this way. I’m reopening wounds that should’ve been healed over. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I’m honestly not in a bad mood, today. I’m not sitting here, in a puddle of tears. I’m simply attempting to make these thoughts, haunting my today, go away.

Mikayla, Jackie, and I hung out, this afternoon. Mikayla was out of school early, so we all went out to do some shopping around. Adam seems to be in a real good mood, too. He’s bringing home a pressure washer, so we can clean off my outdoor rug, on our patio. Him and Justin have plans to work on a couple vehicle projects, this weekend. Jackie and Justin invited us over, to play some cards, tonight. So long as Adam’s up for it, I’m totally down to do that! It’s going to be a great weekend, damn it.