Fix You

Uncategorized 3 Minutes

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay

I’m afraid I’m about to sound like a total maniac, as I do my best to write this out. I love my family, my babies, more than anything in this world. I don’t talk about it much, maybe because I keep tricking myself into believing I’ve been “healed”? But, I was diagnosed with PTSD, years ago, awhile after my sexual assault. Adam understands and well knows all of my little eccentricities. No shirt collars, blankets, or especially hands, can be touching my neck. No water in my face. I don’t like to kiss for long periods of time, because I get overwhelmed with the feeling of someone in my face. When we’re having sex, Adam moves all the pillows away from my head, because he knows that is a problem for me. My daughters seem to have sort of adapted, or simply grown up, knowing most of the things that their mama doesn’t appreciate. (Well, not the sex stuff, obviously.) My son, though, he just doesn’t understand. He has a habit of coming up behind me, and hugging me. He typically does it, as he’s asking me for something he wants. That only seems to aggravate my senses even more. I do not like to be touched unexpectedly! To say I “don’t like it”, is actually a gigantic understatement. It literally makes my skin crawl. I feel a rush of both fear, and anger. Part of me wants to scream, and smack the shit out of anyone who does it. Even if it’s my own child. I know how that must sound, to most people. I’m a terrible mother, for having that kind of reaction to my child’s touch. I’m frustrated with myself, for not having “gotten over this”, yet. I’ve been choked, held under water, beaten, and raped. In many ways, those experiences are from a lifetime ago. Once in awhile, I’m flooded with such an onslaught of emotions. Ones I’m fully aware of how, when, and why they’re bubbling to the surface. I wonder, am I ruined? Will I be like this forever? Is this just part of who I am?

My brother suffers with PTSD. Its creation, within him, is from something very different from mine, but I knew he would understand…

Ugh, therapy. I’ve had little to zero success, speaking with any therapists, to date. I don’t want to go sit in a sterile, boring room, and tell some stranger about shit I nearly always do my best to hide from the world. Besides that, the perky and very fake feeling politeness that oozes from every therapist I’ve met with is enough to make me also want to smack them in their stupid smiling face. “Uhhh huh. And, how does that make you feeeel?” Gag me. Or better yet, was the hippy lady who suggested I simply “Just put an invisible shield on.” As if that isn’t exactly what I’ve been doing, for most of my God damn life! Didn’t need to pay her $200 an hour to hear this ingenuous and “brand new” idea…

This is where I’m at, this evening. I guess I’m a little bit pissy. I’d hoped writing it out, here, would help to alleviate some of my pissed off. To be honest, I think it has. This, my blog, has been better therapy than any session I’ve had with strangers, anyway.

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Published by femininitist

I’m a wife and mom trying my best to live out my marriage in submission to my husband. I’m NOT a silent doormat, I’m sassy and I’m a 615 (Nashville) girl. I love to write and this blog thing is really therapeutic for me. I love “my people” fiercely. This is my story.

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12 thoughts on “Fix You”

  2. I don’t ever feel you fully recover from PTSD as you can never take away something that has happened, it’s not like a broken arm that heals. I have found that you just find ways to understand who you are, what can trigger an issue and ways to limit the damage that can come from your feelings. I have had therapy, and it helps sort out all the boxes in my head to tidy it up and give me some thinking space, but it is always work in progress. My mantra is always “It’s not my fault I am down, but it’s my responsibility to get back up again” It may not work for you but as a military man it helps me to get back on with life and live what i have. Its strange but some of these feelings i have manged to turn around to help others yet my feeling will still make me run scared and cry for no reason i can find. It is now who i am.

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    2. Thank you for sharing all of this! “It’s not my fault I’m down, but it’s MY responsibility to get back up”…. That’s absolutely perfect ❤️

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  3. Let’s discuss the events, the emotions and the link to this blog. (Yes, I can be blunt but I bet it helps. Besides, aside from 10k words it’s the only option. Anyway…)

    You didn’t volunteer for those events did you. A question that’s more of a statement gets a period instead of a question mark.

    You mention the neck, why attack there? It is an instinctive effort to overwhelm and silence. The fear it causes is the fear of succumbing and the fear (more importantly ironically) of losing one’s voice.

    In silencing yourself you continue the submission thereby ensuring the assailant’s power and role in your life. Use your voice. Defeat the memory and use your voice. It’s YOUR soapbox so say what you wish but don’t muzzle yourself. They hold no sway now so use your voice freely and without free.

    Yes, a bit blunt but I am an uncultured redneck so….

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      1. I hope it was akin to hitting your funny bone. One moment it “isn’t there” but you are suddenly aware of it the next. I didn’t want to hurt anew or offend yet I want you to see such an affront from my point of view and I want you to see how YOU can break their psychological grip and regain your voice both figuratively and literally. This is just my opinion though. There is another that parallels it but I’m not sure I should blurt it out. Regardless, hope y’all are having a good weekend.

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      2. I truly appreciate your insight and opinions. I feel a strong connection to your writing. You have a way of saying things that makes so much sense, to me. We’re having a fantastic weekend, too. Thank you!

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  4. Praying for you honey 🙏. I’ve been through some similar things and understand very well. It took me years to deal with what happened but eventually with a lot of praying I have been able to deal with it as much as possible. Without God I would never have made it to today. He’s the only one who can keep me sane. God bless you and be with you ❤️🙏

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