Need You Now

… It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call, but I lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

~Lady A

I probably, technically, should’ve gotten a spanking, last night. I hadn’t told Adam about something that I really should have. When we decided to buy a pool, for our house, I’d found one for a certain price, and that was what I’d shown him. We both agreed to go ahead and purchase it. However, when I went to buy it, the pool I’d intended to get, was gone. Rather than explain that to Adam, I just found another one, which did happen to have a more expensive price tag. In the moment, I didn’t even plan to tell him about this. I’m not good at keeping things from my husband, though. Even tiny things, like this. Despite my full awareness in his near complete inability to say “no” to me, when it comes to making purchases for our home, myself, or our children, I neglected to mention this price change, to Adam. Until last night, that is. You see, our pool arrived, yesterday afternoon. Adam and Justin had already made plans to go pick up sand, to level the ground beneath where we’ll be putting our pool. They both seemed so excited about it, too! It made me happy as hell, to see Adam getting excited about something that we know is going to make our kids happy.

Well, last night, while we took our shower, I finally “spilled the beans”. I told him all about the whole pool buying situation, and explained how and why I’d wound up spending more money than we’d originally discussed. At first, I think he was kind of upset with me. Something within me just broke, at that same time, though. I began to bawl my eyes out. I mean, uncontrollable sobbing. I have, and wouldn’t, ever produce some “fake tears”, in an effort to thwart any upcoming consequences I might be about to face. It’s not my style, at all. Crying just isn’t something I ever do, easily. Adam is also very keenly aware of that fact. He pulled me into his arms, and repeatedly asked me to tell him what was the matter? He and I both knew spending a little more money than we’d planned on for an item, was NOT worth those tears being shed. Of course, it’s wrong to keep things like that from him! It’s certainly not something that was going to earn me the harshest of penalties, though. No, that was definitely not what brought on my sudden, overwhelming, emotions. To be truthful, I couldn’t even explain why it was happening, at first. Eventually, I calmed down enough to find the words to explain to Adam, I just so desperately want to do these kinds of things that we’ve talked about doing for and with our babies, because it’s almost too late. They’re growing up. Getting a pool is just one small thing. But, to me, it’s about the entire experience. It’s about giving our kids these opportunities to make as many fun memories with us, as possible, before it’s simply too late. Before they’re gone, living their own lives. They’ll be buying their own pools, for their backyards. They’ll be busy making new memories, with the families they’ll create. So, for me, I’m feeling a sense of absolute urgency, to do as many of the things we can with them, while we can.

I told Adam, I don’t even know who I am outside of being a mama. This is where I’ve cultivated my skills and created the knowledge that helps me to be the best parent I can be. Obviously, I fuck up. I am human, after all. I try so hard, though. And, honestly, I think I’m fairly good at this parenting stuff. I’m more confident in my abilities to manage children, than any other thing in my life. So, what will I be, when our babies don’t need me anymore? What value will I provide? It’s such a daunting and scary realization, for me. I can’t help but feel, I haven’t done enough yet! I need to do better. I need to train my children in this or that thing. We need to make more memories, together. I’m not finished!

All of those thoughts and emotions combined to form the “perfect storm” I experienced, in the shower with my husband, last night. Adam took pity on me. He must’ve understood the sincerity in my outburst. He only gave me his stern voice, and asked me not to do that again. He insisted, he wouldn’t have cared about it being more expensive. I retorted, I couldn’t stand the thought of him losing the excitement and fun he was so full of, if I were to have told him the whole truth. I suppose, deep down, I should be fully aware of the way Adam’s heart works. The man does everything to provide his family with all that we could ever need or want. That seems to be exactly where he finds his own joy. I have such a kind, generous, caring, understanding, gentle, and loving man that I get to call mine. I’m so grateful for all his reassurances, about my own questioning of who I will be, without our babies. He reminded me of all the people, including himself, who will always need me. He pointed to all the ways I contribute to our family, and even our community. I need to know that I will always matter. I need to be needed. At the very least, I hope to be wanted. But, I definitely find my purpose in being useful, skillful, and needed.