Drunk Last Night

I got a little too far gone
The heart was talking way too loud
I don’t remember what I said
I just remember breaking down

I brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It’s off my chest, but never off my mind

I got a little drunk last night
I got a little drunk last night
Thought I could keep it all inside
But I got a little drunk last night

~Eli Young Band

The truth is, I did not, actually, get drunk last night. If I had combined too much alcohol, with the overflow of emotions I was experiencing, that would’ve been a gigantic mess! I was responsible. I was a good mama, I think. I held it all inside, to the very best of my ability. Not only was my baby graduating, but we’d invited her biological father, and his family, to her party. There is some bad history there, with one of those particular family members. Mikayla has an uncle who is just a horrible person. He’s one of them Bible thumping, knows better than everyone around him, kind of people. He’s the definition of homophobic. He’s sexist as fuck. I still have a scar on my hand, from when he took his lit cigarette, grabbed my hand, and held that cigarette down on the back of my hand. All because he was pissed and blaming me, for some stupid reason, that his brother was leaving for a military assignment. This was many years ago now. Back when Mikayla was just a baby. He also attempted to coerce Jackie into spending the night with him. Jackie was just a teenager, back then! He was already in his forties! Not to mention, married with children of his own. He got angry, when I defended Jackie, and I told him to back the fuck off. So, he wound up taking both of us to the pool, and held our heads under the water, for long enough to haunt me to this day. This idiot was inside MY home, yesterday. We allowed it, for Mikayla. We chose not to make a scene, for our daughter. It was her day, after all.

Everyone was on their best behavior, and there really were no issues, whatsoever. Still, the tension was clearly felt. On top of everything, my sister and her family were here. I wanted to spend time with her and my baby niece. We had friends who showed up, to Mikayla’s party, with their gaggle of small children. I tended to about a dozen small children’s needs, as I did my best to entertain and occupy everyone else who was here. One of the parents did imbibe in a bit too many beers. They had SIX little kids here, and I felt responsible for looking out for them. Throughout all of this, Adam was such an amazing and supportive husband and daddy. He was so patient, with me. He recognized my anxieties. He tolerated my short bursts of attitude, directed at him. He knew I was reaching my own limits, so he did everything possible to take care of everything he could, to help me. Even so, I did wind up at a point where my own ability to contain the suppressed feelings I’d done my best to keep hidden all day, spilled over. I just couldn’t “people” anymore. The party was winding down, and I was beyond ready for it to be over. I got a little “short” with Adam, in our kitchen. I don’t exactly remember what I said? I just know he stood in front of me, like the rock he is, and assured me he would take care of all the things I was insisting needed done. I worried about all the dirty dishes, and cleaning up. He promised to handle it. I’d even rolled my eyes, at him, at one point. All he told me was, “Okay, you don’t need to roll your eyes to me. It’s alright. I’ve got it covered.”

As my sister was leaving, with Pj, I began to cry. I felt so guilty, because I hadn’t spent nearly as much time with her as I’d hoped to!

In today’s morning light, I realized some things. I explained to my husband, sister, and best friend, it wasn’t one or two things. I wasn’t angry, or upset. I wasn’t even just sad. I was full with all the emotions, pouring into a “cup”. My “cup” was overflowing. Someone could’ve told a funny joke, and I’d have bawled. I’d held onto so many strong, and conflicting emotions. I simply had no more room inside myself, for even one more drop of happy, sad, mad, or afraid to go. Thankfully, Mikayla was blissfully unaware of this little breakdown I’d had. She had been hanging out in the pool, with friends. Her best friends had come to her party. All the kids got into the pool, and played volleyball.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. Everything went perfectly. I suppose I seem like a great big baby, describing my outburst, at the end of it. I certainly don’t ever mean to sound as if I take any of it for granted. I celebrate and appreciate all of these incredible milestones. I was just so tired. My body and mind couldn’t possibly take on even one more task. I needed to rest.

I woke up, this morning, feeling much better! I’d just poured myself a cup of coffee, and gone downstairs to sit and enjoy a moment to myself, when my phone alerted us about a tornado warning we were in. We had some scary minutes! The wind was whipping past us, as trees blew nearly completely sideways. Our doors were suctioning way in. We took cover, downstairs. This tornado went just past us, and left us mostly unscathed. We only lost some pool things that had been left inside it, and had our yard full of scattered tree limbs and miscellaneous toys. We never even lost power! Our lights flickered, during the worst of it, but that was it. We got lucky, once again. I don’t believe there was anyone seriously injured or killed. It was pretty scary, though!

Tomorrow, we’re all going over to Poppy’s house. We’re going to swim and play there, on Memorial Day. The boys are grilling and smoking some food, for everyone. It should be a relaxing and quiet afternoon. Exactly what I need, right now.

I need to go get Adam, and get him naked in our shower, with me. I can think of a few ways to de-stress, with my husband. They pretty much all involve removing our clothes…