To get everything I wanted in this lifetime
I had to put my beliefs on the front line
In every song that I sing
It’s always been you and me
Tell my baby it’ll be another late night
I left work eight hours after midnight
No breaks, no sleep
And it’s always been you and me

You know it’s always been you and me

~Yelawolf

My poor husband worked so hard, all weekend long. He left work early, Friday afternoon, to go pick up the sand we needed for setting up our pool. They dug up dirt, placed the edging I bought, to go out around the pool, to hold in the sand on the ground. They leveled out the ground. We set up the pool, putting everything together, while following some of the worst “instructions” I’ve ever seen. Adam was planning to grill us supper, yesterday evening. He went to move his pickup truck, and it was having problems. I’ve been telling him he needs a new one, for a couple years now. We’d planned on me getting a new vehicle, this coming Fall. I told Adam, I’d rather get him a nice new truck, and I’ll wait. My SUV is fancy as hell, we just thought it made sense to get something a little smaller now. I’m partial to the Lexus 5 seat SUVs. I’d be happy to wait another year, though, if Adam will go get himself a new pickup. He just got himself a new work truck ordered, a few months ago. He’ll have something reliable and cushy, for work. Now, it’s definitely time for him to trade out his old pickup for a new version. I think he might be convinced to do it, after last night’s issue. He had worked on it, until we got him convinced to just come swim with us, and take a break. So, this evening, he’s outside working on his truck.

I’ve got “Runza casserole” cooking in the oven, for supper. It’s sure feeling like Summertime, lately! Today was the littles last day here, before Summer break. It was a perfect day to spend out back, playing in the water, with them. I set up a little kiddie pool, for them to splash in. We had a great day, before they left for their own Summer break.

We got our pool all filled up, and it’s looking good now! Mj came home, after school, and immediately changed into her swimsuit. Her and one of our neighbor’s little girls swam awhile. Tomorrow is the last full day, of school, before Summer break. They’ll have a half day, Wednesday, and then we’re officially on Summer vacation! Tomorrow, Jackie and I are going to craft some stuff I’ll be using for Mikayla’s graduation party. She’ll graduate this coming Saturday, and we’re having her party afterward. My sister, her husband, and my sweet little niece, Pj, are heading down here, Wednesday! They’ll be here for a week. I’m so excited to see them!

Adam and I talked about how much crap seems to be going on, all at once. We’ve got lots of amazing and wonderful things happening. We’ve also got a whole lot of “life” that seems to be coming towards us faster than anticipated. Besides Mikayla graduating, we weren’t exactly expecting to be spending quite as much money as we have been, and will be. I think we’re doing a pretty good job, handling it all, though.

The truth is, so many of our “problems” are the result of incredible blessings we’ve been given. Our daughter has completed her high school education. She’s about to go onto college, to study and obtain a very exclusive degree. That’s incredible! It’s time for a new pickup truck. Oh wah…. There could certainly be bigger worries. Family and friends are going to be here, this weekend. I’m running around cleaning up the house, as if they’re going to all show up and inspect every nook and cranny, to see if I did a good enough job. We’re okay. Hell, we’re more than okay. We’re fine. We’re wonderfully blessed. There’s just no reason to let these things, we’re so busy concerning ourselves with, distort the reality of how much beautiful and amazing we’ve got, right in front of us. We always come out the other side of the bullshit. We’ve got this. I’m sure of that.

I’m holding onto you, you’re holding onto me
I never thought that I would be in Tennessee
Just tryna kick it with my friends on Broadway
Crazy Town, T Stoner, walking my way
I’m really feeling this, you lean in for a kiss
And before we know it, we’re thinking this is it
With Upchurch on the radio bumping
“Rolling Stoned” and baby I’m buzzing

~Chase Matthew

What a day, today’s been! We’ve worked hard, this weekend, but we’ve all played hard too!

https://videopress.com/v/lLtTawWw?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

https://videopress.com/v/mMqyxOHI?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

It’s been such a busy, yet somehow both long and too quick weekend. I absolutely cannot wait until it’s our Summer break!

I’ve got the littles, tomorrow. It’ll be their last full day, here. Jackie is going to come over, and we’re going to set up the little kiddie pool, for them. Later, after the littles leave we’ll all get into our pool. My babies last day of school, is this coming Wednesday. We’re so close to our Summertime shenanigans! Jackie and my vlogging camera arrived, today, too. We are working hard to figure out producing some vlogs, to coincide with these blogs. I just love all of it. ❤️

~Iris Dement

If I don’t write something, I’ll ruin my streak of writing daily. Today’s been so busy, but a good kind of busy. We all started work, to get ready for our pool, yesterday afternoon. It’s been a very long process, but we’re getting there!

We began to fill it, and quickly realized our calculations were off. We had to move the pool, and backfill some more sand, to level out the ground on one side. We had one neighbor, who lives across the street from us, who drove his lawn mower over here and cut our front grass for us, this morning. Adam had teased him about doing ours, and by gosh if he didn’t do it, then! Our neighbor, beside us, lent us a tool we needed. Another couple, who lives close by, stopped over to chat about their own struggles when they installed their pool. Everyone has been so kind and sweet. It has been a long day, but not a bad one.

… It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call, but I lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

~Lady A

I probably, technically, should’ve gotten a spanking, last night. I hadn’t told Adam about something that I really should have. When we decided to buy a pool, for our house, I’d found one for a certain price, and that was what I’d shown him. We both agreed to go ahead and purchase it. However, when I went to buy it, the pool I’d intended to get, was gone. Rather than explain that to Adam, I just found another one, which did happen to have a more expensive price tag. In the moment, I didn’t even plan to tell him about this. I’m not good at keeping things from my husband, though. Even tiny things, like this. Despite my full awareness in his near complete inability to say “no” to me, when it comes to making purchases for our home, myself, or our children, I neglected to mention this price change, to Adam. Until last night, that is. You see, our pool arrived, yesterday afternoon. Adam and Justin had already made plans to go pick up sand, to level the ground beneath where we’ll be putting our pool. They both seemed so excited about it, too! It made me happy as hell, to see Adam getting excited about something that we know is going to make our kids happy.

Well, last night, while we took our shower, I finally “spilled the beans”. I told him all about the whole pool buying situation, and explained how and why I’d wound up spending more money than we’d originally discussed. At first, I think he was kind of upset with me. Something within me just broke, at that same time, though. I began to bawl my eyes out. I mean, uncontrollable sobbing. I have, and wouldn’t, ever produce some “fake tears”, in an effort to thwart any upcoming consequences I might be about to face. It’s not my style, at all. Crying just isn’t something I ever do, easily. Adam is also very keenly aware of that fact. He pulled me into his arms, and repeatedly asked me to tell him what was the matter? He and I both knew spending a little more money than we’d planned on for an item, was NOT worth those tears being shed. Of course, it’s wrong to keep things like that from him! It’s certainly not something that was going to earn me the harshest of penalties, though. No, that was definitely not what brought on my sudden, overwhelming, emotions. To be truthful, I couldn’t even explain why it was happening, at first. Eventually, I calmed down enough to find the words to explain to Adam, I just so desperately want to do these kinds of things that we’ve talked about doing for and with our babies, because it’s almost too late. They’re growing up. Getting a pool is just one small thing. But, to me, it’s about the entire experience. It’s about giving our kids these opportunities to make as many fun memories with us, as possible, before it’s simply too late. Before they’re gone, living their own lives. They’ll be buying their own pools, for their backyards. They’ll be busy making new memories, with the families they’ll create. So, for me, I’m feeling a sense of absolute urgency, to do as many of the things we can with them, while we can.

I told Adam, I don’t even know who I am outside of being a mama. This is where I’ve cultivated my skills and created the knowledge that helps me to be the best parent I can be. Obviously, I fuck up. I am human, after all. I try so hard, though. And, honestly, I think I’m fairly good at this parenting stuff. I’m more confident in my abilities to manage children, than any other thing in my life. So, what will I be, when our babies don’t need me anymore? What value will I provide? It’s such a daunting and scary realization, for me. I can’t help but feel, I haven’t done enough yet! I need to do better. I need to train my children in this or that thing. We need to make more memories, together. I’m not finished!

All of those thoughts and emotions combined to form the “perfect storm” I experienced, in the shower with my husband, last night. Adam took pity on me. He must’ve understood the sincerity in my outburst. He only gave me his stern voice, and asked me not to do that again. He insisted, he wouldn’t have cared about it being more expensive. I retorted, I couldn’t stand the thought of him losing the excitement and fun he was so full of, if I were to have told him the whole truth. I suppose, deep down, I should be fully aware of the way Adam’s heart works. The man does everything to provide his family with all that we could ever need or want. That seems to be exactly where he finds his own joy. I have such a kind, generous, caring, understanding, gentle, and loving man that I get to call mine. I’m so grateful for all his reassurances, about my own questioning of who I will be, without our babies. He reminded me of all the people, including himself, who will always need me. He pointed to all the ways I contribute to our family, and even our community. I need to know that I will always matter. I need to be needed. At the very least, I hope to be wanted. But, I definitely find my purpose in being useful, skillful, and needed.

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know

I remember I thought you looked like an angel
Wrapped in pink, so soft and warm
You’ve had me wrapped around your finger
Since the day you were born

You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams, but always know the road
That’ll lead you home again

~Tim McGraw

My beautiful girl is about to be in college! Our tour was so good for both of us. She is feeling much more confident, and excited. I’m feeling more assured, that she’ll be okay. As much as any mama could be certain of that, anyhow. They do have fantastic safety and security measures. Looking at the dorms, the cafeterias, the classrooms…that’s going to be her home. I won’t be there. It’s just up to her, soon. As proud as I am, to know she is taking these next steps, ones we planned and did our best to prepare her for, I just cannot stop the pain that comes with being a mama, as I encourage and support my baby to “leave our nest”. She’s “flying” out, on her own. She’s got great big, powerful wings. That kid is so much more amazing than I ever was. I can’t help but be incredibly proud of that. I know her accomplishments are hers, but damn it’s amazing to look at the things she’s doing and be able to say, “She’s mine. I made her. I’m her mama.”

I’m so grateful, Jackie came along with us, yesterday! My emotions were all over the place. I did my very best to remain positive and upbeat. I can’t even describe, in words, how I was feeling. It’s a jumbled mess of emotions, both good and not so good. They all bombard me at once. I’m confident this will grow more tolerable, and acceptable. It’s not as if I wasn’t aware of these coming changes! Still, it all seems sooo sudden. Part of me is screaming I’m not ready! It’s not about me, though. This is one of those times that I, as a mama, have to be brave, strong, and assuring. Because, she’s afraid, too. My feelings are absolutely not her burden to carry!!! In many ways, Mikayla is so much more mature than I was, at her age. She calls me her “best friend”. I don’t think I could call her the same, for me. She’s so much more than that. She’s my daughter. She’s my girl. She’s my pride and joy in life. I’m so proud to be her friend, though. It makes my heart happy, that she wants and needs me to be a part of her happiness, her sorrows, her successes, her fears…all of it.

All in all, Adam and I’ve done a pretty fuckin’ fantastic job. Just look at her…

~Dustin Lynch

I have kept up a good streak, of writing here daily. I don’t intend to mess that up now!!! Having said that, I have lots to say, and not enough time to say it. We went to Knoxville, and toured the University of Tennessee, with Mikayla. It was so much fun, while at the same time, a little scary. As her mama, it’s such a strange concept, having my girl so close to moving into this completely new place. That’s going to be her home. Well, I call it her home away from home. The campus is beautiful. The history is rich with incredible stories and culture. We stopped at Bucees, on our way back home. That, too, was very fun! I have many pictures, and details from today’s adventure, that I intend to share here. I just cannot do it, tonight. I will update tomorrow morning. Goodnight y’all. 😘

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay

I’m afraid I’m about to sound like a total maniac, as I do my best to write this out. I love my family, my babies, more than anything in this world. I don’t talk about it much, maybe because I keep tricking myself into believing I’ve been “healed”? But, I was diagnosed with PTSD, years ago, awhile after my sexual assault. Adam understands and well knows all of my little eccentricities. No shirt collars, blankets, or especially hands, can be touching my neck. No water in my face. I don’t like to kiss for long periods of time, because I get overwhelmed with the feeling of someone in my face. When we’re having sex, Adam moves all the pillows away from my head, because he knows that is a problem for me. My daughters seem to have sort of adapted, or simply grown up, knowing most of the things that their mama doesn’t appreciate. (Well, not the sex stuff, obviously.) My son, though, he just doesn’t understand. He has a habit of coming up behind me, and hugging me. He typically does it, as he’s asking me for something he wants. That only seems to aggravate my senses even more. I do not like to be touched unexpectedly! To say I “don’t like it”, is actually a gigantic understatement. It literally makes my skin crawl. I feel a rush of both fear, and anger. Part of me wants to scream, and smack the shit out of anyone who does it. Even if it’s my own child. I know how that must sound, to most people. I’m a terrible mother, for having that kind of reaction to my child’s touch. I’m frustrated with myself, for not having “gotten over this”, yet. I’ve been choked, held under water, beaten, and raped. In many ways, those experiences are from a lifetime ago. Once in awhile, I’m flooded with such an onslaught of emotions. Ones I’m fully aware of how, when, and why they’re bubbling to the surface. I wonder, am I ruined? Will I be like this forever? Is this just part of who I am?

My brother suffers with PTSD. Its creation, within him, is from something very different from mine, but I knew he would understand…

Ugh, therapy. I’ve had little to zero success, speaking with any therapists, to date. I don’t want to go sit in a sterile, boring room, and tell some stranger about shit I nearly always do my best to hide from the world. Besides that, the perky and very fake feeling politeness that oozes from every therapist I’ve met with is enough to make me also want to smack them in their stupid smiling face. “Uhhh huh. And, how does that make you feeeel?” Gag me. Or better yet, was the hippy lady who suggested I simply “Just put an invisible shield on.” As if that isn’t exactly what I’ve been doing, for most of my God damn life! Didn’t need to pay her $200 an hour to hear this ingenuous and “brand new” idea…

This is where I’m at, this evening. I guess I’m a little bit pissy. I’d hoped writing it out, here, would help to alleviate some of my pissed off. To be honest, I think it has. This, my blog, has been better therapy than any session I’ve had with strangers, anyway.

Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy
Take your time, hurry up
Choice is yours, don’t be late

~Nirvana

I hesitate to announce this, because I was just about to do something like this, some months back, before I started watching the littles everyday. My ideas had gotten pushed toward the bottom of my priority list, until I would be able to commit the time it would require. I’m getting so excited about it, now, though! I have to write about it here. Jackie and I have talked about doing a “vlog”. We would really just be making video blogs of our everyday life. Much like the way I write here, about my days. We’d probably post weekly, sharing our shenanigans, and occasionally doing more of a podcast style chat. Recently, we’ve gotten much more serious about this. I think we’re about ready to give this thing a try!

I would never stop writing, because it truly is like therapy, for me. I need to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and emotions, and I do that best in writing. The video stuff, would simply be a new addition.

Jackie, Mikayla, and I are making another attempt to drive to Knoxville, on Wednesday. We plan to check out the campus, and have a tour scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Tomorrow, I have to take Mj to her Nashville doctor. This evening, Mj has a Spring choir concert. The littles will be here, in about half an hour. It’s going to be a pretty busy week!

Last night, Adam and I were playing around, and he pulled his hand back, to give my butt a little smack. I quickly moved my hand, to block his. My thumb got jammed. He felt guilty, and kissed my thumb. Then, I giggled, held up my middle finger, and told him “good thing it wasn’t THIS finger!” 😆 (I thought it was funny!) Adam wasn’t mad. He tried his best to conceal the grin that escaped from the corner of his mouth. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and swatted my behind a few times.

It sure looks like rain is on its way here, this morning. We definitely don’t need anymore rain, but we’ve got a whole week full of chances for it. This is our kids’ last full week of school, before Summer break! I’m both excited, and sad, because this is Mikayla’s very last days of high school. In just a few more days, I’m going to watch her little white car pull up to the house, and she’ll walk through the door, throw her backpack and lunch bag onto the kitchen floor (which drives me crazy!), and it’ll be the last time. It’s such a strange thing to be here, at this place in time, already. I’m really looking forward to our girls trip, to Gulf Shores, though! It’s only a few more weeks, and we’ll be headed to the beaches of Alabama! I’m confident, we’re gonna have a fan-freakin-tastic Summer. So, I guess I’m this weird amalgamation of mixed up feelings, right now. Happy, proud, sad, afraid, excited, confident, sentimental… A whole lot of things, that contradict one another, all at once. We’re on the precipice of a whole new “normal”, for my family. That’s not a bad thing. I’ve never been a big fan of change, though. Life and God have to push me into these kinds of things. It’s always okay, very quickly. In fact, it’s almost always even better than the place I’d spent so long, feeling so comfortable in. The new “normal” brings lots and lots of amazing things I’d never have experienced otherwise. I will forever cherish all the beautiful memories, from a time that’s over now. Part of our past. I hope to bravely embrace the times to come, and have faith that, just like all the times before, it’s all going to be alright.

It is Sunday 
Just another Sunday…

~Tommy Lee

Happy Mother’s Day, to all the Mamas out there! Today was an absolutely perfect kind of Sunday. We slept in, this morning. Then, I lazily drank coffee outside, listening to the sounds of Summertime. I took a long shower, while I listened to my “shower songs” playlist. I put on a cute sundress, and braided my hair. Justin and Jackie came over. We all sat on the patio, talking and laughing. It was sort of a very impulse buy, but Adam and I ended up buying a pool. We aren’t doing an in ground one. Just a decent sized above ground pool. The boys are excited to get it all set up, next weekend. They need to buy some sand, to level out the ground it’ll be sat on. The kids are pretty excited, too!

Adam grilled us some burgers, brats and hotdogs. I made potato and pasta salads. We all sat out on our deck, and ate supper. Everyone stayed out there, spending even more time telling silly stories, making jokes, and laughing nearly non stop. It was a great afternoon.

The weather was mid 80’s, and sunny. I got to spend the day with most of my favorite people. I have no traces leftover, of whatever sudden rush of sadness I’d been bombarded by, on Friday. It’s only happy, today. My heart is so full. What an awesome Mother’s Day!

Sometimes I’m right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people

~The Forest Rangers

[I realize the original version of this song is by Sly and the Family Stone, but this is my favorite one 😉]

We went over to Justin and Jackie’s place, last night. I cut Justin’s hair, and then we played a card game. It was a lot of fun!

This morning, I woke up to Mikayla, her boyfriend, and Adam making breakfast. Mikayla has to work, tomorrow, so she made me a Mother’s Day breakfast, this morning instead. She made waffles and Adam cooked the bacon. It was delicious.

This afternoon, Adam, Justin, and Mikayla’s boyfriend went to work on a vehicle. Jackie hung out at my house, with me. We sat out on the deck, and had a blast just talking and laughing. MJ’s best friend is here, for the weekend. The little girls are having so much fun together. Wyatt, Mj, and her friend all played baseball, this afternoon.

The boys came home, absolutely filthy.

They all got showered and dressed, and we went over to Mikayla’s food truck, to grab some supper. I am absolutely stuffed, but darn it, that was delicious.

Now, I’m just sitting downstairs, enjoying the sounds of Mj and her friend splashing around in a bubble bath, in Adam and my whirlpool bathtub. Adam is watching the other kids play video games, upstairs.

Tomorrow, we’re all barbecuing some burgers and brats. We’re going to have a fun family “Sunday Funday”, and spend our Mother’s Day together. I think that’s the most perfect kind of weekend I could’ve asked for. It’s amazing. This is me. I am everyday people. I enjoy telling my story, here, but I really am just another girl, living my life. Doing my best to be my best self. Somehow, I seem to have found a whole lot more good, than not. I suppose that’s the same struggle for most of us. We’re all everyday people, doing what we can to get through this life, while spreading a little joy and happiness along the way. Take a moment to step back and appreciate the good in your today, because you just might find there to be more than you even realized. It’s the simple things. All the laughs. The jokes. The people around you, smiling and laughing, too. It’s magical.