I’ll Follow You Down

If I could find assurance
To leave you behind
I know my better half would fade
And all my doubts
Is a staircase for you
Opened out of this maze

The first step is the one you believe in
The second one might be profound

I’ll follow you down through the eye of the storm
Don’t worry I’ll keep you warm
I’ll follow you down
While we’re passing through space
I don’t care if we fall from grace
I’ll follow you down

I’ll follow you down to where forever lies
Without a doubt, I’m on your side
There’s nowhere else that I would rather be
I’m not about to compromise
Give you up to say goodbye
I’ll guide you through the deep
I’ll keep you close to me

~SHINEDOWN

I’ve always heard that anger is a secondary emotion. That anger comes from hurt, fear, guilt, sadness. It’s not something you feel on its own. While I do believe that to be accurate, anger seems to be the prevailing emotion taking over all others, right now. At least for me it is. Adam hasn’t expressed any anger around me. I wonder if he allows that to come out when he’s alone? Does he hide it from me? Or is it possible he just isn’t pissed off, like I am? I don’t want “vengeance”. All I really hope for, is to be done. Done with the people who don’t provide any more positive value to me or to my family. Done worrying about what’s going to happen today, tomorrow, and in the months to come. Done lying awake at night, running over and over in mind all of the possible “what ifs” that haunt my thoughts. Done answering questions and giving explanations to everyone texting and calling me to tell me whatever twisted version of this shit they’ve heard, either from Jackie herself, or passed down in this fucked up game of “telephone”. Every time it’s retold, new outrageous embellishments are added. I just want to be left alone. Is that so much to ask?

I barely have it in me to discuss anything other than the superficial with Adam. I so want to be able to put my upset into a “box”, so that I can keep it tucked away and find a little bit of normalcy again. But, it’s like trying to cram a gallon of water into a container that only holds an ounce. It spills out and pours into every other part of my days and nights. There’s nowhere to hide. It’s truly exhausting.

All I know for sure, is that I’ve got my husband’s back. Anybody who doesn’t like it can fuck right off. I will dissolve relationships with anyone who threatens my family. I don’t care how long I’ve known you, or how much I’ve invested in a relationship with you. I can absolutely manage without you. I’m ashamed that I’ve allowed people who’ve already shown me how willing and able they are to hurt me, to be part of my own happiness. I’m choosing to focus on who I have around me right now. The ones who actually love me like I’ve loved them. The ones who smile when I do, and cry when I do. I’ve learned that just because someone matters to me, doesn’t mean it’s reciprocated. I can’t fix anyone else. It isn’t enough to love someone. I have to take my peace back. My joy. My life. It won’t all be solved today, tomorrow, or the next day. It won’t take forever, though. I might not be able to see it yet, but there has to be a time coming when I can stop holding my breath. When I can put my pieces back together. Every time I’ve felt shattered like this, it’s the process of making myself whole again that reminds me of just how capable I am. I figure out again what and who I really want around me. I’m much more careful about who I share myself and my family with. Somehow, this anger is giving me strength. I’m determined to make it to the other side, because I’ll be damned if anyone is going to steal what I’ve spent my life working for. I’m taking back my power.