I’ll keep the pictures saved in a safe place
Wow, I look so weird here
My face has changed now
It’s a big shame

So many feelings, struggling to leave my mouth
And it’s not that rare for me to let myself down
In a big way
But I had enough time and I found enough reason to accept that

It’s not the same anymore
I lost the joy in my face
My life was simple before
I should be happy, of course

But things just got much harder
Now it’s just hard to ignore
It’s not the same anymore
It’s not the same anymore
It’s not the same, but, it’s not a shame ’cause

I spend a long time putting up with people
Putting on my best face
It’s only normal when you stop things in the wrong way
It’s only four o’clock and still, it’s been a long day
I just wanna hit the hay
People knocking on me like every day
I’m tired of taking stress

If only there could be another way
I’m tired of feeling suppressed
And when they want me the most
I’m tired of acting like I care, but I do
And I can’t wait to hit the bed
But tomorrow makes me scared

‘Cause it’s not the same anymore
I lost the joy in my face
My life was simple before
I should be happy, of course

But things just got much harder
Now it’s just hard to ignore
It’s not the same anymore
It’s not the same anymore
It’s not the same
It’s not the same

I kept the feelings inside
I open up when shit gets built up this high
[They] make it easy to cry
The words fall out of me and there’s no more disguise

I miss the days when I was someone else
I used to be so hungry
Right now, my stomach’s full of air
And I’ve spent many months just hating on myself

I can’t keep wishing things will be different
Or leaving problems on the shelf
I wish I didn’t need to get help
But I do
But I do

I’ve been so hard on myself
Even my family can tell
And they barely saw what I felt
I wouldn’t wish this on my enemy or anyone else

It’s not the same
It’s not the same as before
It’s not the same anymore
And it’s fine because

I’ve learned so much from before
Now I’m not sure on advice
There’s no excuses at all
No point in feeling upset

Won’t take my place on the floor
I’ll stand up straight like I’m tall
It’s up to me, no one else
I’m doing this for myself

It’s not the same anymore
It’s better
It got better

~Rex Orange County

I’ve thought often, over the last few weeks, about writing here in my blog. I’ve wanted to. My days have been incredibly FULL, though. I start my day when my alarm wakes me, at 5:01am. 5:01, because I refuse to set alarms for times in increments of fives. Not 5:00, and not 5:05 or 4:55. All of my alarms are set for random times, like my 5:01 wake up alarm.

EXIBIT A (see above photo)

My 5:01 alarm snatches me from my sleep, and I drag myself into our bathroom, where I throw on a hoodie and some shorts. I know it’s the middle of summer and hot as hell, but I’m literally always cold first thing in the morning. Once I’m dressed, I make my way into the kitchen. I pour some coffee into my travel mug, and then I drive Adam to his work. His pickup truck has been at the dealership being worked on for OVER A MONTH! He’s pretty frustrated about it, and I’m sick of it too. I get home a little before 6am, and go back inside to change into my work clothes.

I do my hair and make-up, while I finish my coffee. I almost always put some music on while I’m getting ready for work. The kids are still sleeping, at least for one more week. School starts soon. My work schedule is very flexible. We have meetings every Monday and Friday, so I need to be in the office a little earlier on those days. I typically leave the house between 8:15-9:15am, depending on what’s on my calendar for that day.

I’m really enjoying my job, and I get along great with everyone. Our branch manager has been training me, and we’ve already become friends. She’s my age, and a single mom to a little girl the same age as my Mj. My training was supposed to take 8 weeks. There was to be 5 weeks of learning through a BUNCH of reading and testing, followed by 3 weeks of actually using these learned skills and practicing them. I finished all of the computer learning and tests in the first four days I was there. Last week, I was already handling loan applications from start to finish. I pre-qualified customers who requested it, and then discuss our lending options with them. I run our credit inquiry once they decide to proceed. Then, it’s time to go over everything again, and have them sign and initial about a zillion forms. Once they’ve got their money and I’m finished with the customer, it’s time to print, scan, fax, e-mail, share, send, and file everything. I’ve got all the passwords and codes memorized now. I’ve assigned and de-assigned our cash drawers, balanced them, and open/closed and balanced our safe. I take care of deposits, withdrawls, and take incoming and make outgoing calls. No part of my job is particularly difficult. I love working both with customers and my co-workers. I love having my own desk and workspace. I also kinda love that I’m doing something that gets me out and takes me from the worries, stress, and sadness I felt at home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home and family! It’s just too easy to trap myself inside and dwell on so many things I can’t control. My body and brain are forced to focus on something else, somewhere else, when I go to work.

I come home sometime between 12:30-1:30 for my lunch break. I hang out with my kids for awhile, before it’s time to get back to work.

The girls baked some brownies the other day, right before I got home for my lunch break 🙂

Finally, I get home from work. I usually get home anywhere from as early as 5:30, to as late as 7pm. Most evenings I have to pick up Adam from his work, too. I remove my heels and blazer jacket, untuck my shirt, and get started making supper.

Once everyone has eaten supper, and the kitchen is cleaned up, I usually get about an hour to talk and text with my friends and family. Then, Adam and I take our shower and get ready for bed, so we can do it all over again the next day. This weekend, I’m working on our laundry and cleaning all the bathrooms. Basically, catching up on all the household chores that used to get done during weekdays.

We will be moving Mikayla into her dorm in just a little over a week! I don’t think I’ve accepted the fact that my girl won’t be home everyday anymore. There’s still a whole lot of shit happening in my life, but I do have to be grateful for my ability to take it in strides recently. The fears and the stress and the sadness exist, but they don’t consume me these days. Between the daily antidepressant I’ve been on since June, and my new job, I’m definitely doing better. I’m feeling better. Not ALL better. Not necessarily “good”. Better, though. I’m better than I was, and that’s enough for me to celebrate. Adam and I have even been silly and playful, lately. He snags any opportunity to give my butt a slap or a squeeze. I’m enjoying sex again. I even catch myself smiling sometimes. Am I happy? Not exactly. I do get moments of what feels very much like happiness. There are these times where I almost forget why I’m not supposed to be ok. Why things aren’t ok. It’s not as if things are terrible. There are deep concerns troubling us and yet, we do manage to steal little pieces and parts of all that’s good around us, and they almost override the negative thoughts of our tomorrows and what they could bring. I have to remember to look for the joy that surrounds me. Remind myself that neither tears nor laughter will have any effect on the things I have no control over. It’s okay to put away my worries for awhile. Joy is permissible. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, or that I don’t remember where we are and what weighs on all of our minds so heavy. I’ve found myself planted inside a very different garden, but it’s okay to grow here too. I loved the garden I had. I invested so much into it. Wilting away where I’m at won’t change what’s been done. I can’t have some of the flowers that once grew inside my old garden with me, but I can choose to make this new garden beautiful, too. So, that’s what I’m hoping for these days. I just have to believe that God has got this. God is my gardener. He’s working to pull the weeds, water, and provide sunlight for this garden. It’s only right that I should recognize and readily accept these gifts that can help me to grow strong and healthy again. After all, He never promised anybody tomorrow. Each and every day that I get to wake up is an opportunity to show gratitude for what I’ve been given today. Crying over yesterday, or tomorrow, only hurts my today. Nothing I do can change yesterday or tomorrow. I only have today, and today wasn’t so bad.