Last Christmas

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby, do you recognise me?
Well, it’s been a year, it doesn’t surprise me
“Happy Christmas,” I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, “I love you,” I meant it
Now I know what a fool I’ve been
But if you kissed me now, I know you’d fool me again

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I’m hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away You gave me away
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

ll give it to someone, I’ll give it to someone special
Who give me something in return
Hold my heart and watch it burn
I’ll give it to someone, I’ll give it to someone special
I thought you were here to stay
How could you love me for a day?
I thought you were someone special
I gave you my heart
I’ll give it to someone, I’ll give it to someone

~Wham!

My birthday is exactly two weeks before Christmas. I had that day off, and spent it at home. I did some crafting, some baking, some cleaning, and I made a really yummy supper for my family. The following weekend, Adam and I took the kids out to eat, and “celebrated” my birthday. As for birthday wishes, I had only one. Though I can’t see it, don’t know where to look, or really even believe it’s possible anymore, God all I hope for is to find pure joy in my family’s eyes again. Looking at those I loved most in this world, and seeing genuine happiness reflecting off them, was always the source of my own joy. Believing without question that I’d done something right, and that contributed to the comfort and peace shone in the laughter that once filled every corner inside our home. I stare into the eyes of those left beside me, and their pain permeates. I see them doing their very best to smile for me, for each other, but even the occasional moment of spontaneous laughter is still soaked in hurt and grief. We all feel it. We all see it in each other’s faces. I just don’t know how to give them these things we all so desperately need and want. The new televisions, Apple Watches, iPhones, and all the other crap I carefully picked out and wrapped up for them simply can’t fill the emptiness inside any of us. I’ve spent the last seven months pleading with God, heal these wounds! It seems that prayer isn’t meant to be answered. Not yet, anyhow. As these days turned into weeks, and then months that will soon be an entire year, my faith He’ll hear me is dwindling. I wonder, why? What did I do so entirely wrong that this punishment is making everyone close to me bleed? I replay every mistake, misstep, and bad decision I’ve made and I wonder, is this the reason?

My sweet Mj is struggling. I don’t know how to make it better for her. She’s damn near unrecognizable. Her temper is short. Her tears come easily. Her laughter is increasingly more and more rare. I feel tremendous guilt, and partly because I know I’m not here for her like she deserves. I’m not here when she comes home from school. I’m not here when she doesn’t feel well. I’m not there for all her concerts and parties. Besides that, I’m not around emotionally, either. It’s just not possible to pour from a cup that’s bone dry. On some level I’m hyper aware of this, and it stands to reason I should be doing everything I can to fill my empty cup, so I could pour out something for my family again. It also seems selfish and wholly undeserved, to consider doing so. Why should I be allowed to feel better, when it’s me who’s to blame for giant pieces of this damage? If I caused this, or even contributed, it’s ridiculous to assume there should be anything other than what is.

I made a wish, anyway.