Castles

I know one day we’ll finally make it but right now it’s a struggle
The bills piled up on the counter got us drowning in troubles
Another bottle of red, for the anxiety and thoughts in my head
No helping hands, everyone we loved left us for dead
Feel like I’m dying in this living room
Feel like I give all I can give
Feel like I want to quit until I look at you
Realize I live for you
This broken heart, I’ll mend for you
Don’t care how this story ends, long as it ends with you
We’ll make it through, we’ll make it out, we’ll make it better way
If I got you, I got no doubt that we’ll see better days
I know it’s scary, but how we’re living’s just momentary
Boy, I swear

One day we’ll dance in castles
And right now won’t mean a thing
When we break shackles
Imagine life with no chains
A thousand battles, a millions scars
Broken arrows inside our hearts
Pain’s a candle that’ll burn away
So none of this’ll matter one day
We’ll say it was you
It was me
A fairy tail no one believed
It was you
It was me
One day the world’s gonna see us dancing in castles

So many problems I don’t know what to solve first
A bottomless bottle is what I need ’cause it all hurts
A bunch of empty promises from people, just all words
Feel like I hit rock bottom, but yet some how I fall worse
I’ve sent up a million prayers, but I feel like I’m not heard
Supposed to be a man, but I feel like I’m not hers
‘Cause I can’t provide all things she deserves
If I was her, I’d throw me to the curb
But some reason she stays and loves me through the hard times
Might not have much, but her love is all mine
Right now we’re scared, how we’re living’s just momentary
Girl, I swear

One day we’ll dance in castles
And right now won’t mean a thing
When we break shackles
Imagine life with no chains
A thousand battles, a millions scars
Broken arrows inside our hearts
Pain’s a candle that’ll burn away
So none of this’ll matter one day
We’ll say it was you
It was me
A fairy tail no one believed
It was you
It was me
One day the whole world’s gonna see us dancing in castles

~Brabo Gator & Savannah Dexter

Truth be told, I don’t have to work. Adam makes more in one week than I do in a month. I don’t hate my job, but I do seriously miss my old one. Most importantly, I’m having a hard time knowing I’m not here for my girls like they need. Mj worries me so much. I’m afraid for her to be left alone here all day, while I’m at work. She’s hurting and feeling all the fear and uncertainty, the heartache and loss, that we are. I’m having an inner battle with myself about what to do. Adam is supportive of whatever decision I make. He’s encouraged me to quit my job, or to at least cut back, if that’s what I want. He assures me that he’s got us. He tells me all the things he misses from when I was at home, and how much he’s realized he’d taken for granted before. I think my greatest concern is that if I really did quit working, what if I just couldn’t be the wife and mama I used to be? What if they’re expecting for me to dance in the kitchen, while I’m baking something yummy, but there’s no music and I’m not able to dance anymore? I guess, in my mind, it’s less painful knowing I’m not taking care of them because I’m not home to, than to think of being home but still not there for them. I don’t know. This is just something I’ve been weighing on. I’ve actually been approached by some advertisers who’d like to buy ad space here on my blog. If I could continue to make the “fun money” I’ve been using on my kids, and be here for them, that would be amazing! Still, my anxiety reminds me of all the what if scenarios that plague me anytime change of any sort is contemplated. So, I’m not quite sure yet what I’m going to do.

In my job interview, I described myself as an “introverted extrovert”. I enjoy talking with people, and challenging myself, but I reach a point where I need to be alone so I can recharge. It sort of exhausts me, if I can’t find the time I need to do that. I’m often so desperate for a little time to be alone with myself, where I don’t need to entertain anyone or be interrupted, I’ll find myself avoiding things I normally would’ve participated in with my family. If they’re playing a board game, or watching a movie, many evenings I simply don’t have the mental and emotional energy to join in. That leads me on a spiral of feeling guilty and ashamed, and then unable to get that rest and recharge I need, even if I am “hiding” alone downstairs.

Adam consistently does any and everything he possibly can to help me. I don’t know how he can be so strong and brave? How he manages to always be here for us, and never makes me feel like a burden. He’s unquestionably devoted to us, to me. I’ve no doubt whatsoever that his family, that I, am his priority number one. Somewhere within me remains a spark I’m fighting to ignite into the flames that once provided those same assurances about my devotion to my family, to him. One thing that hasn’t faltered for one single moment, is my burning desire to show my love for my family, so that they can always find the comfort from me they deserve. I sometimes wonder, why do they want me? What needs am I even meeting, for them? Why would anybody as good and pure and incredible as they are pour so much love onto me? I wish it were possible to know for certain which paths I should take. Which direction is right for my family, for me. I’m afraid there will come a day when their patience and grace for me run out. That I’ll make the wrong choices, or be unable to measure up, and end up completely alone.

I did some crafting, today. I made a Christmas countdown for my sister, because she mentioned wanting one. Then, I just played with some other ideas. I find it rewarding, to take these plain and bare things, and turn them into something beautiful.

I miss making my house feel like home. I miss the texts from Adam every evening, telling me he’s heading home, and already having supper cooking. I miss the smell of our clean home, after I had done the cleaning. I miss having scented candles burning. I miss the pride I always had, knowing I was taking care of my family.

❤️