Haunted

Wakin’ up in cold sweat
California King bed
Got the diamond ring set
Shoes that ain’t released yet
Maserati sports car
Singin’ songs that everybody knows
On a guitar
They say I’m a superstar

But, oh
I still got this feeling in my bones
Happens every time that I’m alone
Part of me is feelin’ like a ghost

If I’m bein’ real
I spent my whole life escapin’ the pills
If I’m bein’ real
I think I was happier when I couldn’t pay the bills
If I’m bein’ real
I’m searchin’ for purpose
I feel wealthy but worthless
If I’m bein’ real
I don’t know if it’s worth it

‘Cause I’m haunted by the voice in my head
I’m haunted by the taste of that lead
I wanted too many times to jump off of the edge
Thinkin’ I was better off dead
I’m haunted only every other night
I’m haunted, and I wish I knew why
I wanted too many times to be gone by the mornin’
If I’m honest
Yeah, I’m haunted
Oh
I’m haunted

~Kane Brown & Jelly Roll

I got word, last Friday, my car is officially a total loss. I was that day years old, when I learned that, in Tennessee, a vehicle under 10 years old is considered “totaled” if damages are 75% or more of its current market value (pre accident). Honestly, my car had just turned 8 years old. I got her with 2 miles on the odometer. I put 100k more miles on it. She took us on so many trips and who knows how many school drop offs and pick ups. Even in our accident, she did an absolutely fantastic job keeping B and me safe. I know it’s JUST a car, but I can’t help this guilt I feel, like I killed her. I wasn’t able to save her. Somehow, that seems to be happening with the things I love, at an accelerating pace, and I feel powerless to stem the inevitable waves of chaotic uncertainty, change, fear, and loss.

I’ve never been one to readily embrace life changes. I generally have to be pushed from that ledge. That’s probably why, in those rare times that I do choose to make or keep ahold of particularly unpleasant changes, I mean it. We are where we are, though. I guess it is what it is…

Adam and I are going to go new car shopping, this weekend. I wish it was because I decided to, rather than I have to. I am excited, though. Last year, I was considering my next vehicle purchase. I just really wish some other family was going to be able to love my old one, the way we did. That car was a time capsule, full of so many beautiful memories. It makes me sad to know it’s on the way to a junkyard. Like a representation of so many other people, places, and things I so loved, it’s gone forever.

The other morning, as I was flipping over the next page on my perpetual calendar, it dawned on me what day it was. It was May first. May Day. Instantly, memories flooded through my mind. I remembered exactly what I was doing, exactly one year earlier. I remembered what I’d been doing, the evening before May Day, the year earlier, too. Jackie, Mj, and I went to Kohls. We made May baskets, for the littles to have and hand out, the next morning.

I’m not heartless. If only I could be so “cold” as I’ve been accused. It hurts more than I knew I could hurt, remembering. It’s painful as hell, realizing how much has changed, and how much I just can’t change. Still, it is a beautiful day. Jandrel has been coming over to hang out a lot, lately. We got our pool all ready for Summer. The kids can’t wait to swim. B will be graduating, in just a couple weeks. Mikayla will be moving back home, for the Summer, end of next week. There is a whole lot of good. I just have to remind myself to remember that, some days.

I’m okay.

I’m worthy.

I’m valuable.

I’m beautiful.

I’m loved.

I just need to convince my heart, so I can find the strength to let go of what haunts me.