Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I’m all grown-up now
Can you still help somehow?
I’m not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here’s my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth

There’d be
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

~David Foster

Today is the eve of Christmas Eve. I’m not quite sure I’ll be able to find the right words, here. I think I’m supposed to be consumed by the pangs of sadness that do sometimes wash over me. Especially during the holidays. I’m not, though. I’m doing alright.

I really needed to take a break. I needed to step back from my need to express the overwhelming emotions that cycled through me. Some days were made of mostly anger. Some grief, and a hurt I can’t begin to describe. Some days, I wanted to scream out to the whole world, telling everyone exactly how much malice lies within those feigning innocence. The denials I’ve heard, while I kept quiet about what I actually knew, understanding there was no way of them knowing just how many of their secrets and lies had been exposed to me. So much I’d seen and heard, for myself. There’s simply no way to escape the truth, even when it breaks your heart. Even when you believed you’d buried it deep enough where no one would ever find it.

Instead, I let go. I don’t need recompense, retribution, or to retaliate. None of those things can change what was and is now. My marriage reached a crisis point, a few months ago. Adam and I couldn’t even find ourselves, let alone each other. If something didn’t change, and soon, our relationship would also fall into disrepair. So, I decided to let go of things I’m powerless myself to erase, change, undo, redo, and stop from happening. I put my energy into what it is that I can do. I went to God. I forgave, and I asked Him for forgiveness.

Slowly, at first, things began to change. Until, one day, it was as if my world had gone from dreary black and white, to bright and vivid colors again. I can honestly say, I don’t give a damn what anyone else says or thinks. I can’t forget, but I also won’t survive if all I do is remember. I’m choosing to find the good, and to rejoice in it. I’m truly happy, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. For me, contentment equals happiness. Not living in regret and fear, but for today. Giving love to those sat around me, today.

Things with my husband are starting to feel a lot like they did, before. I’m learning to trust in him, while he’s learning to trust in himself.

Today, I’ve been baking all kinds of cookies and candies. I’ve got my favorite Christmas music playlist on. I’ve got all the gifts wrapped. I’m giggling with my girls. I’m excited for Adam to get home from work, this evening, and to spend the rest of this week with my family.

Merry Christmas, y’all ♥️