Same boots by the door, same old street,
Same sunrise pulling me outta sleep.
I don’t talk about it like I used to do,
But I still feel everything too.
I learned how to sit in the quiet alone,
Let the nights pass without my phone.
Yeah, I bent, but I didn’t break,
Still standing here, still got faith.
I ain’t perfect, I ain’t brand new,
Just a little more honest, a little less bruised.
I’m still me, just a little more calm,
Still got a heart, still feel it when it’s gone.
I don’t love any less, I just love more slow,
I don’t chase what I already know.
I’ve been hurt, yeah, I’ve been changed,
But I didn’t lose myself in the pain.
I’m still me, if you’re wondering…
I’m still me.
I don’t need closure to sleep at night,
Don’t need answers to know I’m alright.
I let some things fall where they may,
Learned not everything’s mine to save.
I still believe in love that lasts,
Still believe in roots, not just the past.
If I give my heart, it’s still real,
Just a little more careful with how I feel.
I ain’t colder, I just grew

~Rhett Rivers

Call me superstitious. I suppose I am? Everyday, I’ve been wanting to write. I’ve thought of all the ways I might express what’s been whispering so frequently within me. It isn’t that I necessarily noticed, while I’ve been inside the moments. It’s only after, when the quiet comes. My mind replays these simple, yet oh so satisfying, bits and pieces of my day. I realize, I really am still me. The me I relegated to my past. The me my heart has ached for, grieved over, believing she was gone. She’s not, though. In fact, she never left me. I couldn’t entertain the notion that I might somehow manage to hold onto who I was, before. I’d been so convinced she could no longer exist, without those who helped to create her. I shied away from opportunities to shine, again. I hid from everyone, including myself. It was as if I woke up one day, and forgot to pick up the grief, hurt, guilt, shame, and regrets I’d carried everywhere I went, for such a long time. There was no plan, or intention. As I sat alone, pondering over what brought about those first glimpses of this person I remembered, I realized I’d left my mask behind. Slowly, and then suddenly, I gave up on hiding myself away. I said fuck it. And ya know, I feel good. Great, even. I question the idea of celebrating my liberation, though. Will I regret admitting this, now? Is it stupid to be announcing to the world, here I am, come and get me? I’m not sure of the answers to those questions. Well, maybe I am. Maybe, I simply don’t give a shit anymore, about the opinions of anyone who feels somehow threatened by my mere existence. Angry or annoyed, because I just won’t give in, and give up. Well, fuck ‘em, I say! Because, I actually like me, and so do plenty of other people! They appreciate my silly, my sour, my sweet. They looked for me. They asked about me. They couldn’t find me. There’s only one person who could, and all along, that person was myself.

It isn’t easy to explain, but I really and truly, sincerely, am finding joy. I’m bringing it everywhere I go, these days. It’s spreading, too. My husband, my babies, my family and friends, they feel it. I’m downright goofy. I stayed up until the wee hours of morning, making ridiculous TikTok videos with my girls. We laughed til we cried. I don’t even have to choose, or force, or fake, happiness. It’s just, there. Today. I picked my sister, and my little niece, up from the airport. We spent the day talking, giggling, telling stories. I played with my niece. I read her a bedtime story, and got lots of sweet hugs and kisses, from her. Tomorrow, we’re all going to my dad’s house. It’s going to be another beautifully amazing day, filled with the joy that comes naturally, when you’re surrounded by light, love, and laughter.

Adam’s been working, a lot, lately. He’s got a new side hustle he’s been building, alongside one of his friends, and it’s growing. While that’s fantastic, I’m well acquainted with the demands of creating something profitable, and my incredibly goal oriented, driven husband gives so much of his time and energy, when he’s working to build up things he believes in. He leaves the house before sunrise, at least 6 days a week, these days. Then, he finally arrives back home, well after sunset. Some nights, after bedtime even. As tempting as it is, to persuade him to slow down, to take a break, all that accomplishes is arguments. So, I’m doing my best to be supportive. I know what motivates him, and that’s always his desire to provide for his family. I rub his shoulders, keep his supper warm, and leave my body ready and willing for him! He’s staying home with us, tomorrow, so he can spend the day enjoying time with everyone too. I know he’s sleeping, now. I can always hear the way his breathing changes, when he collapses on the couch, and drifts into the rest he so clearly needs. I should sleep, too. I only slept for a couple hours, last night, and it’s almost midnight. Time to bring my exhausted husband to bed, so we’re both ready for tomorrow’s shenanigans.

I also made a few videos, recently. Just some things I’ve been doing, in my kitchen. I’m going to leave one of them, here. I’ll do my best to share the others, and to keep writing, sharing, and spreading more of the pure unfiltered goodness I’ve been so overwhelmed by.

https://youtu.be/QIJUtm2eH3w?si=x8Zkf5nHEYv6HjGJ

It won’t let me embed my link…so that’s the best I can do, tonight!