Don’t you dare try and reappear

After you already got me standin’ here

I can’t believe you would come at me

Lookin’ for a little bit of sympathy

Like I wasn’t the one you left all alone cryin’

Lookin’ like a hot mess

Don’t show your face ’round here anymore, honey

This is somethin’ you better get through your head

That I’m givin’ you up

Just like I did them Marlboro Lights

And I’m givin’ you up

The same way I did the whiskey on ice

And it’s all so tough

You turned me into a [woman] I don’t even recognize

I’m givin’ you up

The same way you did me out in the moonlight

~Dylan Wolfe

Grief is such a fickle emotion. I can testify, with way too much experience, losing someone you dearly loved and cared for, is in many ways, even more painful than saying goodbye to those who’ve actually passed away. What do you do with all the photographs? What about the hoodie I borrowed? I can’t wear it, anymore. And then, randomly, there’s the things all around the house, you sort of forgot had memories attached to them. Cleaning out a drawer, reorganizing your closet, opening the storage bins filled with holiday decorations…BAM, a flood of emotions slam into you like a fuckin’ tsunami.

This past Fall, I was helping my Mj organize and redecorate her bedroom. I noticed photos she’d tossed into the trash bag. They’d captured moments frozen in time, of her with Jackie. I asked her, was she sure she wanted to throw them away? She told me, I don’t want ‘em, and shrugged. She showed me the one photo she’d kept, where she’d cut Jackie out from it. She said she loved that one, and the other people in it. I can’t explain what exactly it was, that compelled me, but I couldn’t help but pull all those photos out from the trash. They’re stored in a box, alongside more photos, cards, and letters I haven’t been able to bring myself to get rid of. I don’t want to look at them, or to read the words written to me that feel completely insincere, in the bright light of today.

I don’t share details. Not because I’m ashamed, or afraid. In part, it’s because it’s incredibly painful. When I use words like betrayal, it fits. Betrayed is an exact description. The larger part of the why I choose not to disclose, is simply because I’m better than that. I mean, what would be the point? I’m not interested in argument or excuses. There is, and could never be any justification, whatsoever. As brutally open and sincere as I’ve always been, in my writing here, I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. After all, this is my story. I share my perspectives on my own life. With all I’ve seen, heard, done, and learned, the feelings I’ve grappled with are absolutely valid. I don’t say this to sound cold or uncaring, but I truly have no interest in whatever might or might not be happening in the lives of those I’ve said my goodbyes to. I don’t wish ill on virtually anyone at all. Where and how they are is just none of my concern, anymore. I didn’t get to this place overnight, by any means! It takes so much time and tears to find healing. I remember when I realized I’d gotten there, with my mom. Now, I believe I’m finally arriving there, with Jackie. The enormous storm cloud that followed me everywhere I went, for a significant portion of my days, has dissipated. I don’t think there ever comes a time when there won’t be occasional sprinkles and raindrops, but they’re manageable. I no longer get soaked in the downpours that I used to. I’m not weak, exhausted, and scared anymore. That feels like the best kind of okay there can be!

I woke up feeling a lot better, this morning. I went to sleep with earaches, a headache, sore throat, and my nose running. Today, all that remains is the scratchy sounds my voice still makes. Even that’s not as bad, though.

I made some peach cobbler. Well, to be fair, it’s more like a knockoff of peach cobbler. It’s good, anyhow!

https://youtu.be/xtMQ7Kha6o8?si=GikHwGXY9AYFBojQ

It’s already past time for Adam and I to get in the shower, so I guess it’s as good a time as any to end this rambling post. We’re supposed to have some sunshine and warmer temps on the way. It’s been gloomy and cold, the last few days, and I’m anxious for some vitamin C and warm weather, again!

Anyway, goodnight y’all. Xx

There ain’t nothin’ like a Tennessee mountain top 
Some straight shootin’ neighbors that don’t name-drop 
With a preacher man prayin’ for peace but still packin’ a gun (you better ask somebody) 
Singing karaoke in a double wide with smoke so thick it’ll burn your eyes 
Oh-oh, my sweet Lord, I’ll warn ya 
Fall in love with an angel, you’ll end up in California

~Kid Rock

I made two versions of the video I’m going to share, here. One for my blog, and one for our family. We were singing this song, but with “you’ll end up in California, or Texas”, haha! My sister and her husband are so happy, building their lives in Texas. We miss them like crazy, but it truly makes my heart happy, seeing her flourishing in their new home. My sister’s seriously grown more in the last few years than most of us do in a decade, or more! She’s a great wife, an exceptional mama, and a beautiful woman, inside and out. Her twenties were a stark contrast to my own. I became a mama, before I was even out of my teens. She was a little wild, sometimes reckless, and mostly unconcerned with any ideas of becoming a wife or a mother, the way I’d always known I wanted to be. She met her husband back when they both were still children, themselves. Then, they grew up and lost touch. Until, he was stationed with the 101st Airborne Division, just across state lines, in Kentucky. The very first night Adam and I spent in our new house, she’d gone to a bar to watch the Super Bowl. Her childhood friend, and future husband, also went to that bar. She became unexpectedly pregnant, soon after that encounter, and the rest is history! They’re a fantastic couple. He’s good to my sister, and also an awesome daddy and provider. It’s been a lot of fun, watching her transform into her new self. She’ll always be her. She’s just a much calmer, settled, content, healthy, and genuinely happy version of herself, now. We swap recipes, clothes, and parenting advice. I sometimes wish we’d been able to have babies closer in age, so they could grow up together. My kids adore Pj! She’ll just grow up with very protective, but cool, older cousins.

It was hard to say “goodbye”, yesterday. I don’t actually say goodbye to people I love. Instead, it’s always, See ya! Hopefully, this “see ya later” won’t be nearly as long as the last one was. I needed the random conversations in my kitchen, the giggles, and the hugs from my sister and my niece! We went out for coffee, no less than half a dozen times, over the week she spent here. Mj and I got to bring her to another little independent coffee shop. They’ve got fish that look just like Dory and Nemo, from the kids’ movie Finding Nemo. I was excited to show them to Pj. We most often took her to our favorite spot, though. Dutch Bros. That’s my girls and my usual choice, for coffee drinks. We also went to a place near our dad’s, where they have a really cute play area for little kids. Pj had a blast! She even made a friend or two, there.

We all went out to a Mexican restaurant, on their last night here. My dad, his fiancé, her daughter (who’s only a year older than my Mj is), Adam, Mj, my sister, Pj, and of course myself, were all there. My big girls are just sooo busy these days, they couldn’t be there. We did all FaceTime, though, one evening. There was a group of older folks seated at a table near us. Towards the end of the evening, it was only them and us, left there. Apparently, they were celebrating a birthday. They sang Happy Birthday. One was adorned with a sombrero, courtesy of the waiter. They began to sing along with music playing overhead, and danced. The waiter joined in. We clapped, and cheered. It was pure shenanigans. That last night ended with a lot of tear filled eyes, as my sister and niece hugged our dad and them goodbye. The next morning, Adam, Mj, and I drove my sister and Pj to the airport. Not before one last trip over to Dutch Bros, of course. At the airport, more tearful hugs were exchanged, and then we watched and waved as they walked toward their gate.

I suppose I should address the cliffhanger I left my last post on…

To be honest, there’s not a whole lot to tell. I actually chickened out, the night I first planned to talk to Adam about it. It probably sounds silly, but he was just so sweet, that night! I couldn’t bring myself to pull that metaphorical trigger. I’d asked him, earlier in the evening, if I could show him my latest blog post? He’d gotten home fairly early, but was still working on some things he could do from home. He’d told me, “Of course! Just as soon as I’m finished with this.” Finally, when he came to me, he said, “Okay sweet girl, let me see it.” I looked up at him, and asked him to give me a minute. He replied, “I’ll give you two.” (Meaning, take your time. Whenever you’re ready.) Later, as we stood at our bathroom sinks, brushing our teeth, he reminded me he still hadn’t gotten to see my blog post. I sort of brushed it off with a shrug, and told him we’d just do that tomorrow. It wasn’t until our nightly shower together, that he again brought up the blog post he’d yet to set his eyes upon. Only then, had he begun to suspect there might be something I needed to share with him inside my writing, and that it may be something to spank my butt for. His suspicions became abundantly clear, after we got out of the shower, when he sat himself on the side of our bathtub, and waited for me to reveal whatever it was to him. That damn bathtub edge is a familiar spot he’s chosen to pull me across his lap. Besides his choice of places to sit and wait, his face wore obvious determination, that I was not getting out of sharing whatever it was he needed to know. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew there was something.

I rubbed lotion on my arms and legs, combed my hair, and applied the various products my curly hair requires, as I finally shared that blog post. I hadn’t divulged any details concerning what it was that I would come clean about. Only that there was something I needed to. So naturally, after he finished reading, I knew it was time to start talking, when his eyes shifted up to look into my own. His expression was now a more stern, serious one, but not angry. More anxiously curious. He listened without a single interruption, as I explained. It truly wasn’t anything intentional, or even one where fault should be laid at my feet. It was something I likely could’ve avoided, had I known to investigate, but not exactly a foreseeable consequence of the actions we’d both been aware of. The real “crime” was in my decision to withhold information, regardless of my reasons for doing so. And I did have some sympathetic reasons. Which is why Adam chose to approach this in such an understanding way. His words were kind, his voice gentle. As predicted, he spoke on the issue of neglecting to discuss things much sooner, no matter how big or small. We don’t keep secrets. We don’t tell lies. Those are two very serious rules, between us. I’m well aware of them, and expect him to abide by them as much as he does me. When that little lecture was done, he sighed and said, “You know I love you…but you also know what’s gotta happen. Right?” My heart raced, knees buckled, as I began to plead with him. He picked me up. It’s embarrassingly easy for him to manipulate my body into any which way he desires, in these situations. I’m incapable of resisting against his strong arms, in any meaningful way. When he’d maneuvered me across his lap, as he began to pull my pajama pants down to expose my bare behind, I repeated “Nooo! Pleeeease!” Then he simply patted me on my ass, and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face into his chest, and told him “Thank you”. Adam lifted my chin, so my eyes met his. In a soft, but very serious tone, he promised me he would not be letting me off the hook, next time. I lowered my head, to rest it on his shoulder. He ended by asking if I understood? I nodded. He once again lifted my eyes toward his, as he said for the second time, “Do you understand?” I knew the words he expected from me, so I said them. Yes sir.

~Koe Wetzel

Today’s been yet another super fun filled, but busy one! I got up early, and got Mj off to school. My sister and Pj were up early with us. We got ready, and then headed over to our dad’s. He made us a gigantic breakfast. We had biscuits, hashbrown potatoes, bacon, sausage, eggs, and some chocolate chip pancakes, (Pj’s special request).

When we finished eating, we played in the living room, with Pj, and chatted. My dad brought out an old photo album, from when he was just a teenager. He showed us all the motorcycles and muscle cars he used to have. Plus a whole bunch of his old girlfriends, nearly always wearing bikinis. 😆

My sister and niece will be staying with our dad, for a couple days. I’m planning to go back over there, tomorrow morning. Our dad’s gonna make us another yummy breakfast, and then we’re all going to go check out a new coffee shop, near his place. There’s a kids play area there, so Pj could play while we drink our coffees.

I headed home, this afternoon, and stopped off at the grocery store for a few things. I made a chicken casserole recipe, for supper. I’ll include the video I recorded, while I cooked it, this evening.

There’s something I’ve avoided mentioning to Adam, the last several days. There’s a better than not chance I’ll be in trouble, over it. What I’m most sure of, is the “you need to tell me these things, before days have already passed” lecture that’ll follow my admission. It’s literally been more than a year and a half, since I’ve had this anxiousness over a conversation that could end with an aching backside! Admittedly, there’ve been a small handful of things that likely would’ve, between then and now, but neither Adam or I were in a great place. We spent such a long time just doing our best to survive, mistakes and white lies just seemed wholly unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. Only the last few months, has life truly begun to feel normal. New and different normal, but nonetheless, the baseline has become mostly tolerable. Good, actually. Life is mostly good, again. It’s this fact, that assures the odds of escaping accountability aren’t likely to be high. I certainly do not wish to find trouble! However, it’s situations like this one now, that really prove we’ve found our way through the worst of things. At least, for now. That’s pretty frickin’ awesome. Even though it means my husband’s gonna hold me to those expectations that he’d let slide for a long while.

I fully intend to come clean with this thing I’ve neglected to talk to him about, tonight. So, I guess we’ll find out?

https://youtu.be/Mw2nfpWhWK4?si=scS6PmVhwAvRYTtH

If I just breathe 
Let it fill the space between 
I’ll know everything is alright 
Breathe, every little piece of me 
You’ll see, everything is alright 
If I just breathe 
Breathe

~Michelle Branch

I’ve been soo busy, hanging out with my sister and my niece! Today, it was sunny and warm, so we played with Pj, outside. This afternoon, I drove Mj and her friend over to a local bookstore, and they hung out there. School was out, for President’s Day. My sister and I made our third trip over to my favorite coffee shop. I swear, there’s absolutely zero silence, when my sister and I get together. We fill every space with conversation and laughter! Her and Pj went to bed, so I’ve got a few quiet moments, before I go shower with Adam.

We had a fun Sunday Funday, over at my Dad’s place. My sister and I are planning to drive over to our Dad’s again, tomorrow morning. He’s going to make us a big breakfast, and we’ll just get to spend more time together. My sister and niece are here, until Saturday. We FaceTime often, but gosh I’ve so missed her and Pj! I just love having them here! They’re doing great, in Texas, though. My sister’s husband recently graduated the police academy, so he’s a full fledged cop, now. He couldn’t make the trip, this time. Adam and I are planning to go visit them, sometime in the next year, after they buy their own house.

I really don’t have much else to report, right now. It’s just been a whole lot of fun, right now!

Adam’s getting on me about getting my butt in the shower, with him, so I’m going to end my ramblings.

I’ll drop another video here, that I made last week. My sister specifically requested I make her some ice-cream bread, so I recorded it, on Friday. Goodnight y’all!

https://youtu.be/jsDvpOnEpJk?si=6w0gKlur65lmzpSi