I Lost a Friend

I lost a friend
Like keys in a sofa
Like a wallet in the backseat
Like ice in the summer heat

I lost a friend
Like sleep on a red-eye
Like money on a bad bet
Like time worrying about every bad thing that hasn’t happened yet

I know I’ll be alright
But I’m not tonight
I’ll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I’ve made
Replaying fights
I know I’ll be alright
But I’m not tonight

I lost a friend
I lost a friend
I lost my mind
And nobody believes me
Say, “I know that [she] don’t need me,
‘Cause [she] made a little too much money to be twenty and sad.”
And I’ll be fine without [her]
But all I do is write about ’em
How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?
Never had

I’m on the mend
Like I’m wearing a neck brace
Like I’m sleeping in my own place
Like I’m pulling all the stitches out of my own face

I’m on the mend
Like I’m icing a new sprain
Like I’m walking on a new cane
Like it’s been a couple days since I slipped and said something sorta like your name

I know I’ll be alright
But I’m not tonight
I’ll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I’ve made
Replaying fights
I know I’ll be alright
But I’m not tonight

I’m on the mend
But I lost a friend
I lost my mind
And nobody believes me
Say, “I know that [she] don’t need me,
‘Cause [she] made a little too much money to be twenty and sad.”
And I’ll be fine without [her]
But all I do is write about ’em
How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?

I’d apologize 
If I thought it might 
Make a difference 
Or make you listen
I’d apologize 
If it was black and white
But life is different
Just try to listen 
To me now

I know I’ll be alright
But I’m not tonight
I lost a friend

How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?

Never had

~Finneas

I’m down in my basement, surrounded by gifts I need to finish wrapping before Christmas. Every single part of everything I do by myself now leaves me with this empty and hopeless feeling. I ache as I look at pictures of my family when we were all happy. When life was simple, smiles weren’t forced, and happiness was a given. The holidays are hard, now. I’m not wrapping gifts for people I should be. I don’t hear the sounds of laughter around me, as I plan and prepare everything for Christmas. There’s no pictures being taken with genuine grinning faces of those that I love. It hurts real bad. I’m trying so fucking hard, too. I want to be me again. I want to see my husband and children filled with joy. I feel as if… Actually, scratch that. I know I’ve failed my babies spectacularly. They will forever be haunted by pain and trauma that leaves them spending their adult lives desperately trying to heal. My greatest goal was to give them a childhood they would never have to recover from. I always wanted so much to give them a home and family filled with love and memories of an amazing time growing up with people that never let them down. So much of what’s happened to them is because of me. While I can’t control anyone else’s actions, it was me who made the choice to allow people into my children’s lives. It is a serious mind fuck realizing how much of my family’s pain is my fault. How much of my own pain is caused by my inability to protect not only myself, but most especially my family, from the very same things I wasn’t protected from. I can’t rewind or undo anything, although I spend a lot of my time replaying things and wonder sometimes, if I could, how far back would I actually need to go? What could I have changed? What should I have done differently, exactly? As wrong as I was, I didn’t ever mean to be! I never intended to land here, or to have brought the people who trusted me down right alongside me. All I wish for now, is to know how to be the person my family deserves, and to give them at least something good and right. I don’t trust myself, though. It’s almost as if this whole time I believed that down was up, backward was forward, good was bad. And if that’s the case, is wrong right? Would hurting help? So, if that’s the best things for them, how do I do that? Maybe it’s me? What if the only consistent thing that underlies every one of their heartaches is…me?

I bought an obscene amount of gifts for my family, this year. I understand I’m trying to fill voids that won’t ever be replaced with expensive new things, but I do it anyway. I haven’t seen my husband or my babies truly content and “whole”, in as long as I myself have been broken into these tiny unrecognizable pieces. Everyday I fight to suppress the voice inside my head whispering, I’m miserable. I’m miserable to be around. I’m worthless. I’m a failure. I’m not a good person. If I almost forget these things for even a moment, and I almost begin to allow myself to find the smallest amount of hope, the voices in my head echo with urgency these “affirmations” of things I must remember so that I could maybe avoid letting my family down again. I want more than anything to contribute something positive. Positive for my family, and for everyone. I honestly believed I was capable of changing the world. I never cared to have my name or my face remembered, but that I could impact others in even the smallest ways, and that would create a chain of events that made the world a better place because I had been here. I was a narcissistic moron, to have thought I was actually that special. That important. I’m left with sort of an existential crisis, wondering where I belong. My intentions matter little, when my children are paying the price for my choices. However well intended, I was a fool. I made mistakes I fear one day they’ll all realize, and understand I am to blame for. I’m responsible for these consequences they have and will spend their lives paying for. I pray they can heal, and find their own paths that lead to something much better for them. I pray they can forgive me, when they learn how miserably I’ve failed them. The job I cared most about, that I put all the best of me into, was being a wife and mama. My best was not even close to good enough, though. For Christ sake, how many people had to leave me before I realized that?

I want to go home. I miss even people and things that are still here. Nothing’s like it was. None of us are who we used to be. It’s like we’re all strangers just existing alongside each other everyday. Pretending to be the people we were as much as possible, but fooling no one. I want to be a wife again. A mom again. A daughter, sister, friend. I want to live, not just exist. I have absolutely no idea how to do that, though. I want my life back. I want me back. I want my family to look and feel like mine. I want to belong. I want to matter. I want to believe it’s possible. To be able to see some sort of road map that might guide me towards finding my way back home. I’m not sure that place even exists anymore? My entire being yearns for the comfort that never failed to embrace me inside my favorite places, with my favorite people.