Rise Up

You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again

For you
For you
For you

~Andrea Day

This morning, Mj came with me to my doctor’s appointment. We sang along to music, on the drive, and had fun just spending some time together. Even if it was just going to a boring appointment.

What we had no way of knowing, was that someone we love was also at a doctor’s appointment, at the very same time. Only, hers didn’t go like my mundane checkup visit went.

This evening, after Adam and I both got home from work, we got a phone call. It was his mom. His mom, his 2 brothers, and our niece and nephew had just been here with us, over Thanksgiving. We all had a great time together. His mom had been keeping a secret, waiting to find out whether it was one worth sharing, because she didn’t want us to worry. She’d found a lump in her breast. This morning, she drove herself to the appointment for the biopsies. I say biopsies, because they’d discovered more than one tumor in her breast. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer. These biopsy results will be in, in a few days, and will determine exactly what her treatments will look like. She is going to be starting chemotherapy, radiation, and will also likely have surgery.

His mom is genuinely one of the toughest people I’ve ever known. Her courage is unmatched. She and I spoke, after she talked with Adam, and she told me she has had zero anxiety over this. She says she knows the next two years are going to be hell, but after that, it’s going to be alright. She’s going to be okay.

I’ve mentioned it before, but Adam lost his dad to cancer, when Mj was just a baby. Three short months later, his best friend since childhood also died of cancer. His dad had only just turned 50 years old, when he passed away. His best friend was only 25 years old. He left behind his wife and baby girl, who is actually just a few months older than our Mj is. My husband has had enormous pressure on him, these last several months. He had, and has, an incredible amount of shit, really painful shit, he’s carrying on his shoulders. Learning of his mom’s cancer diagnosis certainly must add more weight than I can imagine. I don’t know how he does it.

I don’t mean to make any of this about me, not at all! But, what I’m realizing is that I’m going to have to put my big girl britches on. He needs me. The very last thing I should be is another burden he has to carry. It’s time for me to put myself back together, and be strong enough to be able to be the wife he needs and deserves. We’re partners. Sure, he’s the husband, with husband roles and responsibilities. That does not mean that I, as his wife, can’t or shouldn’t be willing and able to provide the tenderness, comfort, strength, and care for him like he always does for me. It doesn’t mean he won’t, or shouldn’t, need me sometimes. I can’t physically carry him the way he does me, but I sure as hell can support him in any and every other way he needs me to. He never shows it, but he’s hurting too. He’s been just as heartbroken as I have, maybe more. Adding on the news about his mom absolutely cannot be easy on him. Though he doesn’t admit it, I know him, and I can feel the heaviness in his heart. I see the concern he’s hiding behind his tough exterior. I love him so much. That love propels me forward, with speed and strength I couldn’t possess otherwise. I have to be okay. No more excuses to remain parked inside my own sadness. It’s time for me to get it together, and allow him the security of at least knowing he doesn’t need to carry me too, right now.

As for Adam’s mom, she wouldn’t ever ask, but I’m going to do whatever I can to be there for her, also. If she needs someone to take her to appointments, to take care of her, or just to listen, I’ll always be available. Like every other obstacle that’s been thrown at us, we will get through this. All of us.