I’ve been a walkin’ heartache, I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

‘Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

~Blake Shelton

We had a great weekend. Saturday afternoon, Justin and Jackie came over. I had made chili, in my crockpot. The kids had some friends over. It was gorgeous, outside. Sunny, and mid 60’s. Perfect sweater weather.

Later, the kids all went inside, popped some popcorn, and had a movie night. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I played cornhole for awhile. Then, we started a fire, and sat out around the warmth it provided us, from the crisp Fall chill in the air. Mj brought out her guitar, and serenaded us. She made up a few silly songs, and had us cracking up!

Jackie picked up Mj’s guitar, and attempted to play and sing us a tune. That was also hilarious!

Sunday afternoon, Justin and Jackie came back over. The boys watched football, while Jackie and I cooked some beef tips in broth, to put over egg noodles and mashed potatoes.

While that slow cooked, Jackie, Mj, and I drove over to visit Jackie’s sister. She just got a new house, and I wanted to check it out. I’m so proud and happy for her! After supper, Jackie and I went downstairs, to do some crafting.

It’s another beautiful Fall day, with plenty of sunshine. I’m listening to music, and doing some housework. I’ve got nothing important that needs doing, today. It’s just a quiet, relaxing day at home. I really enjoy these kind of days.

Adam and I have been so good, I don’t have much of anything to say about us! He was so tired, when we went to bed last night, I decided not to make any attempts at getting his clothes to come off. Instead, I took a long bath, this morning, and took the time to make every part of my body look, feel, and smell so tempting, he won’t be able to fall asleep without exploring every inch of me, tonight.

It’s been such a long while, since Adam’s spanked me, besides playfully. The competitive part of me has decided to see just how long I can go, without crossing any boundaries. When I consider doing anything that could wind up with trouble, I choose to avoid it, because I don’t want to end this perfect “streak” I’m on. I think Adam’s proud of me too, when he sees I’m trying. I haven’t so much as cut my eyes at him, in weeks. I’ve been known to occasionally sort of flip him off, quietly, but it’s been even longer since I’ve done that. He rarely realizes, when I do, but I still haven’t, even quietly, in a good while. He’s so patient, gentle, and thoughtful. I can’t help but respect him. Through the recent stressful shit we’ve had, he’s been amazing. Having someone love me, and our babies, the way my husband does, it’s more than I could have imagined possible. Friday evening, when we were at the football game, at MiKayla’s high school, I noticed someone walk past us, carrying a funnel cake they’d purchased from the concession stands. Adam didn’t hesitate to get up, go stand in line, and bring me one. I didn’t even have to ask him to do it! He just did it, because he knew I love them things. Such a tiny, simple thing, means the world to me. Knowing he thinks of me, and seeing his willingness to always give me both things I want and need. Of course, there are times where what I need, contradicts what I think I want, in the moment, but I trust him to know the difference. When people talk about their significant other, and refer to them as their “soulmate”, I used to find it ridiculous. I understand it now, though. There truly is no way there could be another man on this planet, capable of knowing and understanding me, the way Adam does. I’m never bullshitting, when I try to explain about how every year I have with Adam, I grow more attracted to, more in love with, and absolutely certain about having taken his last name.

God’s given me so much more than I deserve. Sometimes, when life gets tough, it’s the little things that make me realize how blessed I truly am. There are gifts handed to me, everyday. I just have to take the time to open them, and appreciate them.

I’d give all I have honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
Just stay this little

Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Oh, I don’t wanna grow up
Wish I’d never grown up
Could still be little

~Taylor Swift

This evening was my baby’s “Senior night”, at her school. Adam and I escorted her, as she took her last steps on her high school’s football field.

Her color guard performed one last half time. She, and her friends, did a fantastic job.

What a bittersweet night we’ve had. I’m so proud of her! I’m also so sad to realize, this chapter of her life is closing. The pages have been written in. It’s time to write a new one.

My eyes are open wide
By the way
I made it through the day

~Shinedown

I woke up to a cloudy, rainy day. It’s cool, mid 60’s. It’s humid, though, so it feels sticky. I was talking with my dad, yesterday. That conversation made me realize, it’s October. October is, historically, a very tough month, for me. I hadn’t even considered it, until he asked me if I was okay. There’s just something about the change in seasons, as we move from Summer, into Fall. I don’t even dislike Fall, to be honest. I seem to have this leftover ick, from an incredibly difficult time in my past, when it comes back again. The smell of coffee brewing, on a cool morning. The way the days grow shorter. Even the change in the clothes I put on, when the weather’s cooler. These things affect me in ways I don’t rightly understand. They just do. Despite this, I’m okay. I really am. I took some time to myself. I needed it. I’m no good at putting on a “mask”, and pretending. I am who I am. I do try hard not to put my own shit onto other people. This is probably why I sometimes need to take a little time, alone. I don’t think I neglect Adam, or our kids? I simply don’t have the energy to give to people beyond them. It’s as if I’ve only got a little bit of oxygen left, and I must conserve it.

I haven’t pissed Adam off, in a good while, either. Now that I think about it, I can see he’s shown me grace. He understands me. He knows when I just need him to give me space. When I need him to hold me. When I need him to call me on my bullshit. There truly hasn’t been much bullshit, lately. Well, maybe I’ve been keeping it all inside, if there is? Either way, there’s been no trouble. I never intend to make anyone worry! It literally becomes a survival mode, to hide inside myself, every so often. I’m letting me out, again. Slowly. I’m opening up, and sharing again.

I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup, for supper. I didn’t feel that exhausted need for rest, this morning. I dusted, vacuumed, swept, and mopped. I went to a couple stores, with Jackie. Then, we spent time down in my basement, crafting. She’s been painting some real pretty pictures! She gave me one. It has sunflowers on it, and I love it.

It’s been a good day, despite the rain.

And that boy, he called his daddy to tell him what he did
As the masses screamed the lyrics of a messed up kid
And then he told that old man he was never coming back
To be cut down again in a town like that

Then he surely came to learn people come to watch you fall
But he’s out to make a name and a fool out of ’em all
They’ll never understand that boy and his kind
All they comprehend is a fucking dollar sign

Don’t stop goin’, goin’ South
‘Cause they’ll let you play your music real damn loud
Don’t stop headin’, headin’ South
‘Cause they will understand the words
That are pouring from your mouth

~Zach Bryan

Adam and I decided, back when our babies really were still babies, they would not be spoiled. We wanted to instill the same strong work ethics that carried us as far as we’ve gotten. In fact, we wanted to see them go much further than we ever will. We all know folks who never appreciated the value of a dollar hard earned. Those who were handed everything they’ve got, and as a result, weren’t ever rewarded with the pride you experience when you’re able to achieve something by yourself. That truly teaches us lessons that are necessary to survive, if you ever find yourself “starting from the bottom”. Life brings the most beautiful and amazing things. It also has a way of slapping you right from your comfy place, and presenting us with challenges that seem damn near impossible. It’s in the “climb”, that we grow to believe in ourselves. We prove, both to ourself and others, I am strong enough. I am capable. I am going to find my way back to good, and then go forward to even better places.

Having said all that, I’m not sure we can stick to those principles, quite like we intended to. We’re considering buying Mikayla a new car. After explaining our “firm” stance, to our children, about why they would not be gifted new cars, but instead would need to work for one, here we are. I’ve never felt this kind of ache, on behalf of one of my babies. I’ve never had to see them fall down this hard. I wasn’t prepared for the guilt, sorrow, and frustration, that comes along with being the parent of a child who’s unjustly victimized by life. Unfortunately, I well understand, this is the first of many times Mikayla is going to find herself here, back at the “start line”. So then, what do we do? There’s a great big part of me that’s yelling to myself, it’s our job, as parents, to help our kids. What kind of mother would I be, if I stood idly by, while my child suffers through such an undeserved punishment, doled out by this cruel world we brought her into? On the other hand, I absolutely do not want to teach our children that we’ll just buy them a new car, if they crash theirs. That would be a very dangerous thing to do. We’ve come to a conclusion, though. We’re going to get her a new car, and she will make payments on it, to us.

I finally slept, last night. I also slept, this morning, after I got the kids off to school. I’ve had a horrible headache, for days. Like the kind you wake up with, after spending the night before, crying your eyes dry. I get an anxious panic, every time one of my kids walks out our front door. It’s a constant adrenaline rush, all day and night. Adam tells me to be good, every time he leaves. My recent response is, I don’t have time to be anything else!

My sister, her husband, and my baby niece moved, a couple weeks ago. I babysat for Pj a lot, while they packed. We had so much fun with her. It was painful as hell, to tell them goodbye, as they left for Texas.

I’ve really thrown my creative energy into crafting things, lately. I suppose it was easier for me to occupy my brain with building something, than to take the time to sit with my thoughts, so I could write them down here. That requires more emotional energy than I was prepared to expend, yet. After my daughter’s car accident, the little compartment inside my head, where I keep the things I’m not ready to deal with, was overflowing. I had to let some of it out. So, I did.

The last couple days were filled with phone calls and appointments. We had MiKayla’s car towed back home. She had just sent off the title, to be put in her name, last Friday. So, we’re stuck waiting for it to come in the mail. We can’t do anything with her car, until it does. There’s a sad reminder of what was, parked in our driveway.

She went back to school, this morning. She’ll be going back to her work, this afternoon. We’re slowly getting back to as normal as possible. That feels good. The kids are on Fall break, all next week. That’ll be a welcome break.

Those are a few of the things I’ve recently done. It’s relaxing, to hang out in the basement, listening to music, and using my hands to create pretty things.

~Jordan Davis

One of my babies was nearly taken from us, yesterday. Mikayla. Saturday, she’d gone to an honor guard competition. Her team had won. She was so proud and happy! She came home and showed off her pictures with their trophies. Justin and Jackie were here. It was such a beautiful Saturday.

Sunday morning, she left for work. I’d heard her walk out the front door, but I was in the other room. She didn’t come to tell me she was leaving, because she thought I was still asleep. I was really just in my bathroom. I knew where she was headed to, though.

Minutes later, I was standing in my kitchen, stirring my coffee, when my phone rang. It was my baby’s number. My heart leapt through my chest, as I answered it. I somehow knew. My words that followed were simply, “Oh my God, what happened?!” Something in me already sensed that I was about to hear a series of words strung together, I’d prayed would never come. My hysterical daughter screamed, “Mama! Mama!” I kept repeating “WHAT?! WHAT?!” Finally, she was able to tell me, through her terrified tears, “I crashed my car!” Adam had already heard her through my phone. We were on our way out the door, as I was speaking to her. She was only blocks from home. Her car, and my baby, were down a steep ditch, surrounded by trees. I’m struggling through my own sobs and tears, just to write this down now. Telling this story, here, is the first time I’ve really allowed myself to replay the whole series of events. The panic and fear that I continue to feel, is unmatched by any other life occurrence. I cannot bear to imagine my life without one of my children here. I didn’t even hug her goodbye. I could have missed my last opportunity to hold onto her. Even though, thank God, she is okay, I can’t stop the flood of emotion that comes when I consider, but what if. I would never, ever, forgive myself.

She is pretty banged up. She’s got a deep bruise down her shoulder and chest, from her seatbelt. She’s got whiplash, a possible concussion, and several other bumps and bruises. She’s been taking pain medication, along with ice packs and rest. Unfortunately, her car won’t be okay. It’s a total loss. That little white car that she worked for two summers to pay for. She was so very proud to have bought her own car, and rightfully so! This kid has been an honor student, through her whole school career. She’s the hardest working teenager anybody’s ever known. She excels at everything she sets her mind to. All the things she has, have been hard earned, and well deserved. In an instant, her prized possession was all gone. Mine (my daughter) is still here. Although I’m grateful beyond words, to have been able to bring our baby back home, I’m devastated this happened to my sweet girl. As I watch our security camera video of her walking out, Sunday morning, tears pour from my eyes. I see my carefree, happy child, with a little bounce in her step, as she left for work. I can feel that a piece of her innocence was lost, after her accident, just moments later. A piece of my daughter’s joy was taken from her, and from the world. I’m certain, she’ll get a new car, and life will go on. She’ll smile and laugh. She’ll have plenty of happiness. But, there’s a part of her that I’m aware will probably never return. I so deeply wish I could go back in time, and run out to stop her from having left just yet. Hug my girl, tell her how much I love her, and ask her to go a different way to work.

My heart is heavy. Emotions are raw. I didn’t get a minute of sleep, last night, so I’m also exhausted. The purest love I have, is for my babies. I hurt when they hurt. I cry when they’re sad. I celebrate their successes. I’ve plead to God so many times, over the last 24 hours, please don’t call any of my children “home”, for many many more years. I never want to miss another opportunity to hold them, and remind them how much they’re loved. I just want to make this all better, for her. I’m so incredibly proud to be her mama. To be all of my children’s mama.

Give your loved ones an extra squeeze, tonight. We truly never know when, or if, our next opportunity to do so will come.

~SMO

Y’all…I’ve got so many projects going, right now! Wyatt stayed home sick Monday and Tuesday. He’s finally back in school, today. I’ve been working on some wood crafts.

I’m also going to be making, and selling/gifting, more decorative signs. I’ve got several round ones, like I used for Jackie’s. I want to buy some other sizes and shapes of unfinished wood. I’d like to make some porch lean signs, too. I’m making Fall themed ones, and going to start on Winter/Christmas ones, to get ahead of the season. I have lots of seasonal stencils, and paints, so I’m excited to play around with these ideas I’ve got rolling around inside my head!

Besides all my crafting, I have been getting ready to make my first podcast episode. I didn’t even have any headphones, microphones, laptop, mouse… I have my iPad, and a wireless keyboard. I ordered headphones, with built in microphones, and a Bluetooth mouse. I’ve designated a spot in the basement, for a small table and a couple of chairs, so there’ll be a comfy place to do this with as little distraction as possible. If anyone has suggestions for things you’d like me to talk about, please share them! I’m not a shy person, and I rarely have nothing to say, but it feels a little silly to me, just talking to myself. I do plan to have Jackie and Adam be part of some podcasts too, though.

Jackie’s coming over, later. We’re going to a few stores, for my craft supplies. We also love to shop around secondhand places, and find things to restore or repurpose. It’s about to be September! I need to start getting busy with Christmas gift ideas. I enjoy making things for my people. I’ve made candles, soaps, ornaments. I’ve had the kids paint coffee mugs and tea towels, to give to family. It’s a lot of fun, coming up with something special and unique, that I can do for somebody.

Adam and I are great. He commented, last night, about how good I’ve been. 😊 He’s looking so fine, these days. I’m crazy about how sexy his neck, shoulders, and arms are. I love running my hands down his neck, and wrapping them around his upper arms. Well, as much as I can wrap them around his arms. My fingers don’t actually stretch that far.

Jackie just texted me. She’s up and about. I guess I should go get myself dressed and ready to go. I was getting distracted and horny, writing about my sexy husband, anyway.

~John Cougar Mellencamp

Although I haven’t posted in a couple days, I have been working on something that I’m excited to get up and running on here! I’m getting very close to having it ready to share with y’all.

We went to Jackie’s pool, Friday, as soon as the kids got home from school. It was her birthday, so we swam and hung out there for hours. It was a lot of fun!

Justin and Jackie flew to attend a Jellyroll concert, yesterday. It looked like a lot of fun, too! My sister and I are also going to be meeting Justin in a couple weeks, to help him pick out Jackie’s engagement ring!!!

Adam, the kids, and I stayed home and watched movies last night. The heatwave finally ended, yesterday evening. We got a good thunderstorm with lots of rain. Today, I’ve been crafting. I have a couple of different things I’m creating. I’m fixing “breakfast” for supper, tonight. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, hash browns, sausage, and bacon.

It’s been a very relaxed weekend, with no trouble found. Wyatt’s not feeling very well. I had gotten a summer cold, last week. Mj got it, next. Today, it made its way to Wyatt. Poor kid’s been sleeping most of the day.

My family is (not so) patiently waiting for me to get supper started. So, I suppose I should get busy. I still need to pack lunches for Adam and the kids, too.