I’m a little bit redneck, mother
Little bit six-piece swimming in hot sauce
Little bit, “Y’all”, little bit, “Brother”…

A little Tennessee with some Hennessy, call me
[Ms.] Misunderstood
With a toolbox shotgun and a chrome piece
Underneath the truck seat
Little bit country, little bit hood

~Colt Ford

Jackie came over, this morning, and she’s been working her tail off. She’s helped me get the house looking great! We went through all our craft stuff, downstairs, and organized everything. It looks so good, now! Our garage fridge decided to die on us, a couple days ago. We just found a new one, to replace it. Jackie searched the Facebook marketplace, and found us a good ol’ used garage fridge. The boys went, and picked that up. We’ve got someone coming by here, tomorrow, to pick up our old one. Jackie helped to organize and arrange all of that! Adam pressure washed the whole driveway, and patio, out back. We also got the outdoor rug looking brand new, again. We’ve got some family heading here, in the morning. It’s fixing to be a busy weekend! It’ll be lots of fun, though. I can’t wait!

Mikayla’s graduation ceremony will be Saturday morning. Following that, we’re having her party here, at our house. I’ve got lots of decorations to set up. I’m also making TWO ice cream cakes. I’ve got really cute cake topper stuff, to add on the top of them. I picked up some chips and salsa, and queso dip. We’ve got everything ready…I think!

This morning was so amazing. I felt Adam kiss me, before he left for work. Next thing I knew, it was 9:00 AM!!! I didn’t even realize I could sleep that long?! Adam and I went to bed around 11:00pm, last night. Which wasn’t even my choice. He was watching this new TV show him and the kids are into now. He fell asleep almost immediately. Then, sometime during the night, I was awoken. He was running his hands over my body. The next thing I knew, we were both naked. He slid over, behind me, and entered me from behind. I just finished my period a couple days earlier. So, I was definitely horny. When we were finished, we both fell back to sleep. He still had his naked body pressed up against mine. I’m never upset about being woken up, during the night, for some midnight sex.

I just cooked a couple of frozen pizzas, for our supper, because everybody’s still out here working. It’s a busy day, as I fully anticipated. It’s a great day, though. As I also predicted. ❤️

I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me…

I set fire to the rain

Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name
Your name

~Adele

In many ways, Adam is the rain to my fire. I would venture to say, in our relationship, I’m most definitely the more unpredictable one. I’m nearly always keen to find new and exciting adventures. I can be surprisingly brave, in the face of challenges. At least, I’m fairly good at putting on a brave face, anyhow. I’m able to project confidence, even when I might not truly be as sure of myself as I appear to be. I’m a damn good “lawyer”, when it comes to arguing my case. There are also so many areas of our life, where Adam’s strengths shine. Despite my love of exploring new ideas, I’m not so much a fan of any real change. I tend to keep most of my fears to myself. Of all people, Adam knows when I’m hiding something, though. Jackie is always here for me, if I expose my troubles, but Adam just knows. I don’t have to keep my inner demons secret from him, because he sees them anyway. Sometimes, even before I do. Adam is the predictable one, between us. I need that. Adam is able to assure me that everything will be alright, when big changes are inevitable. I believe him, when he tells me I’ll be okay. He’ll be okay. They’ll be okay. Or, we’ll be okay. I completely trust him to make sure of it.

Adam is able to listen to my needs, even unspoken ones. He reads my body language, my tone of voice, and hears my words. Sometimes, it’s my lack of words that trigger his senses. He does seem to always recognize when anything is bothering me, though. He doesn’t let me hide from him. Not for long. If I tell him, I’m not ready to talk about it, he respects that. Eventually, though, he’s going to remind me that he’s waiting for an explanation. He’s good at pulling the truth from me. He manages to do it in ways that don’t feel like he’s pressuring me, or judging me. Even if I have to tell him about something that makes him upset with me. Even then, he never raises his voice to me. He doesn’t immediately get angry. He and I figure out the source of this problem, and how we can remedy it. And then, how we’re going to prevent it from happening again.

Adam knows my favorite foods. My favorite flowers. My favorite colors. He does his best to avoid my getting carsick, when I’m in the passenger seat. He knows that weaving in and out of traffic, and too closely to other vehicles, is one of the things that aggravates my carsickness. So, he tries not to do that. He knows what I like, in bed. He knows how to hug me, kiss me, and when I need him to let go for a moment. He knows when I’m lying, and when I’m telling the truth. He sees me, when I’m overwhelmed, afraid, or sad. He does his best to make me happy, and is very good at it. He knows when to hold me, when to lecture me, when to spank me, and when to give me grace.

All of these things, that work so wonderfully for me and in my marriage, I’d never suggest to be some magic cure for everyone else. I’m a unique and complicated individual. I never meant for my blog to seem like the prescription for everyone’s happiness. Adam and I have spent years figuring out one another. We’re still learning! Adam takes such good care of me. I like to think I return the favor, for him. I know I do try hard, and that he’s a pretty happy husband. I must do a fairly good job? That’s what he tells me, anyway.

Our problem solving skills are ours. That’s the point. Others are welcome to their opinions. I share intimate details of my life, here, so it’s understandable there would be people who have questions and disagreements. I’m mostly unbothered by indirect, or even blatant insults. Unless, they’re meant for my husband, or any of my family really. I never intend to speak negatively about the people I love. I’ll write about allll of my own shit, but I care deeply for my people. I also have enough respect, for myself, not to tolerate cruelty and abuse. Adam is so far from “abusive”! Just putting him and the word “abusive”, within the same sentence, feels wrong. I have written extensively, about my love and adoration, for my husband and family. I suppose I felt the desire to write some more about the ways my husband loves, cherishes, protects, and provides for me. I swear, God designed us for one another! I didn’t know this kind of love existed, before Adam. I couldn’t have trusted in anyone else’s faithful loyalty, before Adam. I can’t even imagine where and who I’d be, without Adam. He makes me a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Not because he forces me to be! Because he is such a great example of a husband, father, son, brother, and friend. The trust he has, in me, gives me a burning desire to live up to his expectations. He expects from himself all of the things he does from me. In fact, he demands so much more of himself, than he ever has of me. He’s never harsh with me, when I fall short. He does too, occasionally! I’m simply a much better human, with and because of him. Adam’s the love of my life.

I just needed to say that, in case I haven’t said it enough. ❤️

Roughnecks don’t fall in love, but that pretty face got my heart messed up…

Don’t know where we’re goin’, but girl I’m all in

Looks like roughnecks they fall in love

~Seth Anthony

Adam and I had yet another conversation, about getting him a new truck, before I get my new car. He was trying to talk himself into waiting another year or so, but I have plenty of reasons to argue why that’s not the best choice. For one, I will need a new car, within the next year or two. So, would he rather buy his truck now, and mine then, or have to buy TWO new vehicles at the same time? Secondly, we’re dumping a shitload of money into this truck of his, as it is. If I wanted to be selfish, I’d tell him to keep his truck, so I could go get my new Lexus now! Shoot, I was already gonna be getting my new SUV, in the next few months! I’m the one insisting I’d rather wait, and go find him something new! I did a great job, not raising my voice, or getting too sassy, as I argued these points to Adam. He relented. He looked at me and said, “you’re right.” I believe he may finally be talked into going shopping for a new pickup truck, for himself! For anyone who’s ever known my husband, this man is not one to be told what to do. I’ve learned to persuade him, using skills I’ve picked up over these years I’ve been with him. Despite that, there’s never any guarantee that even my best strategic moves will actually sway him. This one has been a challenge, for sure. At the very least, I’m confident he sees my side of this, and I think he might even agree with me now.

Yesterday was busy as heck. Jackie came over, and helped me shampoo my carpets. We cleaned up the basement, and worked on a craft project for Mikayla’s graduation party, too. I also had a weird reaction, to a few mosquito bites I’d gotten, on my ankle. It swelled up all down my leg and into my foot. It was bright red, and very hot to the touch. Similar to having a bad infection would’ve looked and felt. I also was queasy, and just “off”, all day long. I limped, every step I took, because it hurt like crazy. It was all because of some rare condition called “skeeter syndrome”?! My body’s immune system overreacted, to the bites, and caused all this trouble for me. Because I do have an autoimmune disease, I’m aware my own immune system is pretty much in hyper drive, at all times. I imagine that played a part in this reaction. Our pest company came by here, yesterday afternoon. They sprayed down our yard real good, and put out a couple of “mosquito traps” on each end of our backyard. It did seem to make a difference, already. Today, my ankle is both looking and feeling much better. At some point, during the night, Adam had moved around in bed, and his leg brushed up against mine. It woke me straight up out of a dead sleep! So, I’m pleasantly surprised to be feeling this much better, now.

We’re in a severe thunderstorm warning, right now. I’m hoping this passes by, quickly. I’m definitely not in the mood for scary weather.

Mj had her school award ceremony, yesterday evening. She won an award for being on the honor roll, all year long. She also won an award for her excellence in choir. ❤️

Jackie, Wyatt, and I swam in the pool, for awhile. She took a couple of silly pictures, of me and Wyatt.

I’m working on some laundry, and plan to get some deep cleaning work done. I’ve got baseboards, walls, and outdoor furniture to scrub. The kids had just a half day of school, so we’re planning to do our annual water balloon fight, weather permitting. I’ve got the balloons all ready to go, for later this afternoon. It’s thundering, and awful dark out. We’ve never had bad weather, on their last day of school before! I just realized that. We’ve never missed our water balloon fight. I sure hope we can still do it.

To get everything I wanted in this lifetime
I had to put my beliefs on the front line
In every song that I sing
It’s always been you and me
Tell my baby it’ll be another late night
I left work eight hours after midnight
No breaks, no sleep
And it’s always been you and me

You know it’s always been you and me

~Yelawolf

My poor husband worked so hard, all weekend long. He left work early, Friday afternoon, to go pick up the sand we needed for setting up our pool. They dug up dirt, placed the edging I bought, to go out around the pool, to hold in the sand on the ground. They leveled out the ground. We set up the pool, putting everything together, while following some of the worst “instructions” I’ve ever seen. Adam was planning to grill us supper, yesterday evening. He went to move his pickup truck, and it was having problems. I’ve been telling him he needs a new one, for a couple years now. We’d planned on me getting a new vehicle, this coming Fall. I told Adam, I’d rather get him a nice new truck, and I’ll wait. My SUV is fancy as hell, we just thought it made sense to get something a little smaller now. I’m partial to the Lexus 5 seat SUVs. I’d be happy to wait another year, though, if Adam will go get himself a new pickup. He just got himself a new work truck ordered, a few months ago. He’ll have something reliable and cushy, for work. Now, it’s definitely time for him to trade out his old pickup for a new version. I think he might be convinced to do it, after last night’s issue. He had worked on it, until we got him convinced to just come swim with us, and take a break. So, this evening, he’s outside working on his truck.

I’ve got “Runza casserole” cooking in the oven, for supper. It’s sure feeling like Summertime, lately! Today was the littles last day here, before Summer break. It was a perfect day to spend out back, playing in the water, with them. I set up a little kiddie pool, for them to splash in. We had a great day, before they left for their own Summer break.

We got our pool all filled up, and it’s looking good now! Mj came home, after school, and immediately changed into her swimsuit. Her and one of our neighbor’s little girls swam awhile. Tomorrow is the last full day, of school, before Summer break. They’ll have a half day, Wednesday, and then we’re officially on Summer vacation! Tomorrow, Jackie and I are going to craft some stuff I’ll be using for Mikayla’s graduation party. She’ll graduate this coming Saturday, and we’re having her party afterward. My sister, her husband, and my sweet little niece, Pj, are heading down here, Wednesday! They’ll be here for a week. I’m so excited to see them!

Adam and I talked about how much crap seems to be going on, all at once. We’ve got lots of amazing and wonderful things happening. We’ve also got a whole lot of “life” that seems to be coming towards us faster than anticipated. Besides Mikayla graduating, we weren’t exactly expecting to be spending quite as much money as we have been, and will be. I think we’re doing a pretty good job, handling it all, though.

The truth is, so many of our “problems” are the result of incredible blessings we’ve been given. Our daughter has completed her high school education. She’s about to go onto college, to study and obtain a very exclusive degree. That’s incredible! It’s time for a new pickup truck. Oh wah…. There could certainly be bigger worries. Family and friends are going to be here, this weekend. I’m running around cleaning up the house, as if they’re going to all show up and inspect every nook and cranny, to see if I did a good enough job. We’re okay. Hell, we’re more than okay. We’re fine. We’re wonderfully blessed. There’s just no reason to let these things, we’re so busy concerning ourselves with, distort the reality of how much beautiful and amazing we’ve got, right in front of us. We always come out the other side of the bullshit. We’ve got this. I’m sure of that.

I’m holding onto you, you’re holding onto me
I never thought that I would be in Tennessee
Just tryna kick it with my friends on Broadway
Crazy Town, T Stoner, walking my way
I’m really feeling this, you lean in for a kiss
And before we know it, we’re thinking this is it
With Upchurch on the radio bumping
“Rolling Stoned” and baby I’m buzzing

~Chase Matthew

What a day, today’s been! We’ve worked hard, this weekend, but we’ve all played hard too!

It’s been such a busy, yet somehow both long and too quick weekend. I absolutely cannot wait until it’s our Summer break!

I’ve got the littles, tomorrow. It’ll be their last full day, here. Jackie is going to come over, and we’re going to set up the little kiddie pool, for them. Later, after the littles leave we’ll all get into our pool. My babies last day of school, is this coming Wednesday. We’re so close to our Summertime shenanigans! Jackie and my vlogging camera arrived, today, too. We are working hard to figure out producing some vlogs, to coincide with these blogs. I just love all of it. ❤️

~Iris Dement

If I don’t write something, I’ll ruin my streak of writing daily. Today’s been so busy, but a good kind of busy. We all started work, to get ready for our pool, yesterday afternoon. It’s been a very long process, but we’re getting there!

We began to fill it, and quickly realized our calculations were off. We had to move the pool, and backfill some more sand, to level out the ground on one side. We had one neighbor, who lives across the street from us, who drove his lawn mower over here and cut our front grass for us, this morning. Adam had teased him about doing ours, and by gosh if he didn’t do it, then! Our neighbor, beside us, lent us a tool we needed. Another couple, who lives close by, stopped over to chat about their own struggles when they installed their pool. Everyone has been so kind and sweet. It has been a long day, but not a bad one.

… It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call, but I lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

~Lady A

I probably, technically, should’ve gotten a spanking, last night. I hadn’t told Adam about something that I really should have. When we decided to buy a pool, for our house, I’d found one for a certain price, and that was what I’d shown him. We both agreed to go ahead and purchase it. However, when I went to buy it, the pool I’d intended to get, was gone. Rather than explain that to Adam, I just found another one, which did happen to have a more expensive price tag. In the moment, I didn’t even plan to tell him about this. I’m not good at keeping things from my husband, though. Even tiny things, like this. Despite my full awareness in his near complete inability to say “no” to me, when it comes to making purchases for our home, myself, or our children, I neglected to mention this price change, to Adam. Until last night, that is. You see, our pool arrived, yesterday afternoon. Adam and Justin had already made plans to go pick up sand, to level the ground beneath where we’ll be putting our pool. They both seemed so excited about it, too! It made me happy as hell, to see Adam getting excited about something that we know is going to make our kids happy.

Well, last night, while we took our shower, I finally “spilled the beans”. I told him all about the whole pool buying situation, and explained how and why I’d wound up spending more money than we’d originally discussed. At first, I think he was kind of upset with me. Something within me just broke, at that same time, though. I began to bawl my eyes out. I mean, uncontrollable sobbing. I have, and wouldn’t, ever produce some “fake tears”, in an effort to thwart any upcoming consequences I might be about to face. It’s not my style, at all. Crying just isn’t something I ever do, easily. Adam is also very keenly aware of that fact. He pulled me into his arms, and repeatedly asked me to tell him what was the matter? He and I both knew spending a little more money than we’d planned on for an item, was NOT worth those tears being shed. Of course, it’s wrong to keep things like that from him! It’s certainly not something that was going to earn me the harshest of penalties, though. No, that was definitely not what brought on my sudden, overwhelming, emotions. To be truthful, I couldn’t even explain why it was happening, at first. Eventually, I calmed down enough to find the words to explain to Adam, I just so desperately want to do these kinds of things that we’ve talked about doing for and with our babies, because it’s almost too late. They’re growing up. Getting a pool is just one small thing. But, to me, it’s about the entire experience. It’s about giving our kids these opportunities to make as many fun memories with us, as possible, before it’s simply too late. Before they’re gone, living their own lives. They’ll be buying their own pools, for their backyards. They’ll be busy making new memories, with the families they’ll create. So, for me, I’m feeling a sense of absolute urgency, to do as many of the things we can with them, while we can.

I told Adam, I don’t even know who I am outside of being a mama. This is where I’ve cultivated my skills and created the knowledge that helps me to be the best parent I can be. Obviously, I fuck up. I am human, after all. I try so hard, though. And, honestly, I think I’m fairly good at this parenting stuff. I’m more confident in my abilities to manage children, than any other thing in my life. So, what will I be, when our babies don’t need me anymore? What value will I provide? It’s such a daunting and scary realization, for me. I can’t help but feel, I haven’t done enough yet! I need to do better. I need to train my children in this or that thing. We need to make more memories, together. I’m not finished!

All of those thoughts and emotions combined to form the “perfect storm” I experienced, in the shower with my husband, last night. Adam took pity on me. He must’ve understood the sincerity in my outburst. He only gave me his stern voice, and asked me not to do that again. He insisted, he wouldn’t have cared about it being more expensive. I retorted, I couldn’t stand the thought of him losing the excitement and fun he was so full of, if I were to have told him the whole truth. I suppose, deep down, I should be fully aware of the way Adam’s heart works. The man does everything to provide his family with all that we could ever need or want. That seems to be exactly where he finds his own joy. I have such a kind, generous, caring, understanding, gentle, and loving man that I get to call mine. I’m so grateful for all his reassurances, about my own questioning of who I will be, without our babies. He reminded me of all the people, including himself, who will always need me. He pointed to all the ways I contribute to our family, and even our community. I need to know that I will always matter. I need to be needed. At the very least, I hope to be wanted. But, I definitely find my purpose in being useful, skillful, and needed.

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know

I remember I thought you looked like an angel
Wrapped in pink, so soft and warm
You’ve had me wrapped around your finger
Since the day you were born

You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams, but always know the road
That’ll lead you home again

~Tim McGraw

My beautiful girl is about to be in college! Our tour was so good for both of us. She is feeling much more confident, and excited. I’m feeling more assured, that she’ll be okay. As much as any mama could be certain of that, anyhow. They do have fantastic safety and security measures. Looking at the dorms, the cafeterias, the classrooms…that’s going to be her home. I won’t be there. It’s just up to her, soon. As proud as I am, to know she is taking these next steps, ones we planned and did our best to prepare her for, I just cannot stop the pain that comes with being a mama, as I encourage and support my baby to “leave our nest”. She’s “flying” out, on her own. She’s got great big, powerful wings. That kid is so much more amazing than I ever was. I can’t help but be incredibly proud of that. I know her accomplishments are hers, but damn it’s amazing to look at the things she’s doing and be able to say, “She’s mine. I made her. I’m her mama.”

I’m so grateful, Jackie came along with us, yesterday! My emotions were all over the place. I did my very best to remain positive and upbeat. I can’t even describe, in words, how I was feeling. It’s a jumbled mess of emotions, both good and not so good. They all bombard me at once. I’m confident this will grow more tolerable, and acceptable. It’s not as if I wasn’t aware of these coming changes! Still, it all seems sooo sudden. Part of me is screaming I’m not ready! It’s not about me, though. This is one of those times that I, as a mama, have to be brave, strong, and assuring. Because, she’s afraid, too. My feelings are absolutely not her burden to carry!!! In many ways, Mikayla is so much more mature than I was, at her age. She calls me her “best friend”. I don’t think I could call her the same, for me. She’s so much more than that. She’s my daughter. She’s my girl. She’s my pride and joy in life. I’m so proud to be her friend, though. It makes my heart happy, that she wants and needs me to be a part of her happiness, her sorrows, her successes, her fears…all of it.

All in all, Adam and I’ve done a pretty fuckin’ fantastic job. Just look at her…

~Dustin Lynch

I have kept up a good streak, of writing here daily. I don’t intend to mess that up now!!! Having said that, I have lots to say, and not enough time to say it. We went to Knoxville, and toured the University of Tennessee, with Mikayla. It was so much fun, while at the same time, a little scary. As her mama, it’s such a strange concept, having my girl so close to moving into this completely new place. That’s going to be her home. Well, I call it her home away from home. The campus is beautiful. The history is rich with incredible stories and culture. We stopped at Bucees, on our way back home. That, too, was very fun! I have many pictures, and details from today’s adventure, that I intend to share here. I just cannot do it, tonight. I will update tomorrow morning. Goodnight y’all. 😘

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay

I’m afraid I’m about to sound like a total maniac, as I do my best to write this out. I love my family, my babies, more than anything in this world. I don’t talk about it much, maybe because I keep tricking myself into believing I’ve been “healed”? But, I was diagnosed with PTSD, years ago, awhile after my sexual assault. Adam understands and well knows all of my little eccentricities. No shirt collars, blankets, or especially hands, can be touching my neck. No water in my face. I don’t like to kiss for long periods of time, because I get overwhelmed with the feeling of someone in my face. When we’re having sex, Adam moves all the pillows away from my head, because he knows that is a problem for me. My daughters seem to have sort of adapted, or simply grown up, knowing most of the things that their mama doesn’t appreciate. (Well, not the sex stuff, obviously.) My son, though, he just doesn’t understand. He has a habit of coming up behind me, and hugging me. He typically does it, as he’s asking me for something he wants. That only seems to aggravate my senses even more. I do not like to be touched unexpectedly! To say I “don’t like it”, is actually a gigantic understatement. It literally makes my skin crawl. I feel a rush of both fear, and anger. Part of me wants to scream, and smack the shit out of anyone who does it. Even if it’s my own child. I know how that must sound, to most people. I’m a terrible mother, for having that kind of reaction to my child’s touch. I’m frustrated with myself, for not having “gotten over this”, yet. I’ve been choked, held under water, beaten, and raped. In many ways, those experiences are from a lifetime ago. Once in awhile, I’m flooded with such an onslaught of emotions. Ones I’m fully aware of how, when, and why they’re bubbling to the surface. I wonder, am I ruined? Will I be like this forever? Is this just part of who I am?

My brother suffers with PTSD. Its creation, within him, is from something very different from mine, but I knew he would understand…

Ugh, therapy. I’ve had little to zero success, speaking with any therapists, to date. I don’t want to go sit in a sterile, boring room, and tell some stranger about shit I nearly always do my best to hide from the world. Besides that, the perky and very fake feeling politeness that oozes from every therapist I’ve met with is enough to make me also want to smack them in their stupid smiling face. “Uhhh huh. And, how does that make you feeeel?” Gag me. Or better yet, was the hippy lady who suggested I simply “Just put an invisible shield on.” As if that isn’t exactly what I’ve been doing, for most of my God damn life! Didn’t need to pay her $200 an hour to hear this ingenuous and “brand new” idea…

This is where I’m at, this evening. I guess I’m a little bit pissy. I’d hoped writing it out, here, would help to alleviate some of my pissed off. To be honest, I think it has. This, my blog, has been better therapy than any session I’ve had with strangers, anyway.