Sister cries out from her baby bed 
Brother runs in, feathers on his head 
Mama’s in her room learnin’ how to sew 
Daddy’s drinkin’ beer, listenin’ to the radio

Now, sisters usin’ rouge and clear complexion soap 
Brother’s wearin’ beads, and he smokes a lot of dope 
Mama is depressed, barely makes a sound 
Daddy’s got a girlfriend in another town

The south moves north, the north moves south 
A star is born, a star burns out 
The only thing that stays the same is 
Everything changes, everything changes

Time marches on
Time marches on,
Yeah, time marches on…

~Tracy Lawrence

And yet again, another year has come and gone. The clock struck midnight, fireworks boomed, Adam and I kissed. It’s 2026.

I made chili, and set out a tray, filled with cookies and candy, the kids and I made. We played board games, with friends.

Everyone has gone home, and I’m tired!

I think I’m actually looking forward to this new year. It’s just incredible, how much change comes with the passage of so relatively little time. Sometimes, it’s gradual, and we hardly even notice it. Others, not so much. Some change is deliberate, some is accidental, and some change is thrust upon us. We don’t have to like it, God knows I’m no great fan of it, but eventually what’s new grows to become normal. We’re all so wired for resilience. It’s amazing what we can get accustomed to, with just a little time. With some patience, we persevere. I’ve accepted the place I’m at, now. With quiet anticipation, I welcome the new year. In spite of my apprehension, in those long, difficult steps to get here, I’ve arrived at what feels like a place I can be okay in. Scratch that. A place I will be okay in. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll love it here. One thing I understand all too well, wherever I’m at, whether it resembles a nightmare or a pleasant daydream, I won’t be there for all that long. So, take comfort in that knowledge, when life gets hard. And, cherish the moments that bring joy. Both are fleeting, because time really does “march on”, regardless.

Happy New Year, y’all. I’m going to bed! Maybe I’ll get lucky?

I’ve been sitting in the deep end 
Confiding into my demons that I’ve neglected healing 
I’ve been chasing this version of me that I’ve been hating
Years wasted mistakes I feared that I’m making and it’s a

Hard swallow that lingers and stings 
When you’re screaming out but nothing’s leaving your teeth 
And the bottle’s heavier the more that I drink 
I tried everything on my knees…

I’ve been giving so many second chances 
Circumstances, relationships that are damaged 
And now I’m making, my mask can’t carry this weight 
I’ve been so ashamed, okay not being okay

And it’s a hard swallow that lingers and stings 
When you overlook flowers to dwell on the weeds 
And I can’t point my fingers when my fingers aren’t clean 
It’s on me, there’s just one thing I need

Somebody take me to church

Somebody take me to church, I need to find peace 
Accepting my wrongdoings are part of what’s me 
If you’re up there, send a sign to see 
I lost myself, I need something to believe 
Somebody take me to church

~Coey Redd

This song was frequently featured on a playlist I titled simply, It Hurts. My favorite line, in that song, is the one I put in bold. And it’s a hard swallow, that lingers and stings, when you overlook flowers just to dwell on the weeds. I’ve got another playlist titled, Bad Days. There’s one titled Cornhole Nights. One called Faves. One called For My Babies. To name just a fraction of my many playlists! I’m not exaggerating, when I say, music is my way of bookmarking throughout my life’s story. There are lyrics that often express so perfectly exactly what I can’t, or shouldn’t. It’s therapy, for me, to get in my car and crank my music up loud. It’s a very big part of how I heal, but not only that. Music is for celebrating, for motivation, for pretty much any and every occasion imaginable, really. I made a little sign that says, Some days I want the music, some days I need the lyrics, and it’s absolutely accurate.

I watched my Apple Music 2025 replay, and it’s so interesting. Looking back to last year’s, and comparing it to this one. My song choices have documented this journey I’ve been on. It defines so clearly my ups and downs, as I’ve walked through the past couple of years. Something as “mundane” as my music review, at the end of the year, truly has shown me just how far I’ve come. I went from being inside the darkest place, only finding sporadic and limited moments that didn’t hurt, to where I’m at now. There were not so bad days, and sometimes days I could even call good. I’d begin to feel like maybe the worst ones were behind me, only to once again wind up back inside the oppressive darkness I’d briefly escaped. For awhile, I honestly didn’t think there was any reason to keep fighting to get out. I was critically low on hope needed to fuel the determination to continue. It seemed that everything that had mattered had either been taken, or it was only a matter of time until what was left would be. The frustration that comes, feeling entirely powerless against forces much stronger than I was, it left me nearly empty. Void of any emotions at all. I grew to be somewhat reckless, as it just didn’t seem to make a difference whether I did or didn’t do things. What was going to happen, was. I had no control over my own life, and no one could take things from me if there was nothing left to take. It was within that radical “indifference” that I discovered it was, in fact, possible for even more profound damage and hurt to find me. I nearly walked away from Adam, in the midst of that indifference. I’d given up on not only myself and the possibility for a meaningful future, but on our ability to build the fire necessary to sustain our marriage and our family. It was from there, that I made the decision to stop overlooking flowers to dwell on the weeds. Somewhere deep inside me, I found the strength to hold on, when letting go was somehow more comforting than the thought of spending another day with this death grip on something already collapsing. Every single thing depended on what it was that both Adam and I did next. I was done being sorry and miserable. I was not going to continue taking responsibility for choices that were never my own, or for what resulted from them. As for the parts and pieces that were mine and our burden, we’d done enough apologizing for our mistakes. I would no longer allow anyone to dictate when, if, and how I’d get up off my knees. I’m not ashamed of the person I was, nor am. Not anymore. I’m not proud of every single choice I’ve made in life, but I do know exactly where my heart was and is. My motives have never been ugly. My intentions have always been well meaning. My mistakes and my failures are not born of selfish desires, fulfilled by the price of causing irreparable harm to those closest to me. I’m better than that. I’ll not stay down, riddled by guilt and shame, while any other person casts stones at me or my family. I will hold my head up, do my very best to keep far away from those who cannot be trusted, and I’m finished with being afraid of anything they might still manage to throw in my direction. Each step forward is another step out and away from the horrible place I spent so long in. Being happy doesn’t mean I’m never sad. Healing doesn’t mean there won’t be scars. But, I am happy and healing. I understand things will forever look different, but different does not have to mean worse. I’m better, in spite of everything.

I have a few friends, from where I had worked. I’m especially close with one of them, Brittany. On Christmas, we each shared some photos, and wished each other Merry Christmas. That evening, she had sent me a text asking if she could call me. I told her, of course! She was upset and crying, when I answered her phone call. Her family’s as far from perfect as anyone else’s, and there’d been some unexpected drama, on a day supposed to have been a fun and relaxing one, for her, with them. She was hurt and disappointed, frustrated and feeling alone. So, she called me. I listened, offered my best advice, and then said some silly things that made us both giggle. We updated each other on all the latest gossip, and made plans to get together for lunch, on Monday. Before we hung up, she told me love you! I hear those words often, from Adam, my kids, and my family, but it hits different coming from a relatively new friend. I matter to a friend. I’m someone that somebody can count on. Somebody who’s only known me as this version of myself, in the time since who I used to be was dismantled. I’m not just putting myself back together, I am. I am a whole person. I’m not merely my broken pieces. I’ve stitched together the parts I salvaged from before, but with new pieces sewn into the me that people like my friend Brittany know. And, ya know what? I’m enough. Here’s somebody who values who I am, today. Not someone who’s waiting for me to be more like the person I was, but who sees and knows, and can even love this me. I’m giving myself permission to love me, too.

I really and truly am genuinely content in my own skin again, thanks to my family and friends like Brittany. ♥️

And my last name 
Is a whole lot bigger than I thought it’d be 
A lotta things changed 
Except one thing, me

I’m still the same old redneck fuck, don’t give a damn 
Ain’t afraid to throw a dead buck on my Instagram 
Grain alcohol in my cup, got the whole house 
Wall to wall and I still ain’t sold out 
Wall to wall and I still ain’t sold out

Middle finger to the sky ’til I’m gone and dead 
.44 in the Ford for the copperheads 
Alcohol in my cup, got the whole house 
Wall to wall and I still ain’t sold out

~Hardy

This year, Christmas was just perfect. It was sweet, silly, and a whole lot of fun.

I’d seen a trend on TikTok, awhile back. Everyone was pretending to receive a basic garden rock, indistinguishable from any other, as a gift. I formed a plan, with Mikayla, for Christmas morning. She and I grabbed a rock, from the backyard, and wrapped it up. We recorded me opening it, feigning excitement and surprise, and then Adam’s reaction to this. It was hilarious!

Immediately prior to opening my “gift”, from Mikayla, I’d opened the one Adam had under the tree, for me. I was absolutely stunned! My husband’s never been much for big romantic gestures. This was the most unexpected gift I could’ve ever gotten, from him! Inside an envelope, he’d made a fake “boarding pass”, with my name on it. Behind that, was a letter from him. He wrote incredibly thoughtful words to me, explaining exactly why he wanted to do this for me. He’s sending me, along with my girls, on a “girls trip”, to anywhere I want to go. He’d already talked with my sister about coming with us, and will fly her out to wherever it is we decide to go. As much as the actual gift means to me, it wasn’t what brought me to tears. I was so moved by his words in the letter, and the effort he put into giving me something special.

When he saw the tears in my eyes, and I climbed into his lap, I wasn’t the only one with teary eyes. I could see how much love he’d poured into me, through this gift.

The tears after opening Adam’s present definitely helped “sell” the rock gag gift I opened right after!

We had family and friends over, Christmas afternoon and evening. I made my big breakfast casserole, and we had a tray filled with candy and cookies to snack on. We played games. We laughed a lot. I decided to put a twist on our “white elephant” gift exchange, this year. I passed out $1001 in Monopoly money, to each person. I held up each wrapped gift, and everyone “bid” on them. After the last one was “sold”, whoever still had the most cash leftover, got a bonus surprise gift.

I genuinely couldn’t have imagined this happiness and joy would be possible, again. It absolutely was and is, though. I’m finding myself doing a whole lot more thanking God, with a grateful heart, rather than pleading with Him. The relief in realizing that healing really is possible, even now, even for me, is overwhelming. I’ve never hurt so badly, for so long. I had never experienced true hopelessness, like I did. I felt utterly worthless, and much more like a burden. One thing I’ve learned, among many others, is that there will be some who fight to keep me on my knees. As I attempted to stand, and regain my balance, I’d be shoved back to the ground. It takes a whole lot of courage and determination to keep getting back up. I’m much stronger, now. I’m standing ten toes down, and fuck anybody who doesn’t like it. Fuck em all. I’ve got an army beside me, and thanks to the war we’ve been through, we’re a hell of a lot tougher than anything thrown at us, now. I’m not going to wage any wars on anyone. I’m much too busy celebrating with my people.

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I’m all grown-up now
Can you still help somehow?
I’m not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here’s my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth

There’d be
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

~David Foster

Today is the eve of Christmas Eve. I’m not quite sure I’ll be able to find the right words, here. I think I’m supposed to be consumed by the pangs of sadness that do sometimes wash over me. Especially during the holidays. I’m not, though. I’m doing alright.

I really needed to take a break. I needed to step back from my need to express the overwhelming emotions that cycled through me. Some days were made of mostly anger. Some grief, and a hurt I can’t begin to describe. Some days, I wanted to scream out to the whole world, telling everyone exactly how much malice lies within those feigning innocence. The denials I’ve heard, while I kept quiet about what I actually knew, understanding there was no way of them knowing just how many of their secrets and lies had been exposed to me. So much I’d seen and heard, for myself. There’s simply no way to escape the truth, even when it breaks your heart. Even when you believed you’d buried it deep enough where no one would ever find it.

Instead, I let go. I don’t need recompense, retribution, or to retaliate. None of those things can change what was and is now. My marriage reached a crisis point, a few months ago. Adam and I couldn’t even find ourselves, let alone each other. If something didn’t change, and soon, our relationship would also fall into disrepair. So, I decided to let go of things I’m powerless myself to erase, change, undo, redo, and stop from happening. I put my energy into what it is that I can do. I went to God. I forgave, and I asked Him for forgiveness.

Slowly, at first, things began to change. Until, one day, it was as if my world had gone from dreary black and white, to bright and vivid colors again. I can honestly say, I don’t give a damn what anyone else says or thinks. I can’t forget, but I also won’t survive if all I do is remember. I’m choosing to find the good, and to rejoice in it. I’m truly happy, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. For me, contentment equals happiness. Not living in regret and fear, but for today. Giving love to those sat around me, today.

Things with my husband are starting to feel a lot like they did, before. I’m learning to trust in him, while he’s learning to trust in himself.

Today, I’ve been baking all kinds of cookies and candies. I’ve got my favorite Christmas music playlist on. I’ve got all the gifts wrapped. I’m giggling with my girls. I’m excited for Adam to get home from work, this evening, and to spend the rest of this week with my family.

Merry Christmas, y’all ♥️

Ay, I got homies that I love to death I’ll never see again
I lost my brother as a youth, that man was like my only friend

…
And ever since I fought depression I feel like I never win, but I’m content
Battlin’ these demons, laughing at my weakness, I repent
Try not to act a heathen, pray before I sleep, and don’t resent
My opps for any reason, I was always deep, and my regrets
Will one day set me free, I know right where I’ll be

When I wake up I wash away my sins and hop up out the shower
Dry my body as I ask forgiveness of the higher power
Tell the Lord I know he know I’m weak and demons, they devour
All the positives I manifest get eaten in an hour

I won’t represent bandanas unless it’s made outta Louie
So depressed deep down inside, I try to shine by rockin’ jewelry
Caught some charges, they got dropped, but it don’t change how people view me
All the people that I lost is what it cost to make the new me

~New Me (FJ Outlaw)

If you See me in the streets understand I got a strap 

I aint even got a lay a word I’m thuggin

Slanging that wood hot damn paul bunyan 

I aint gotta bike but I’m constantly stuntin

Got Os in the back of the deal like Onions 

Coolin in a louis bandanna

Pourin that mud in a orange cream fanta

Groupies tryna fuck but them hoes be outta luck 

Because you can’t touch this like MC hammer

Way from out the country you can’t even understand her

Everywhere I go you know I fucking keep a hammer 

Cuz I’m killin shit for real motherfuckers they say a lot 

I say my prayers

And I go to sleep 

And I toss and turn because of who I used to be 

As I live my life 

And I try to be 

Who momma raised but I just can’t catch it’s so deep 

Please stop asking for the old me 

Because I swear that you don’t me 

You don’t want to call the police

I don’t want to make your throats bleed

When I was young my PaPaw told me 

I can’t let nobody hold me

Please stop asking for the 

Load together unloaded

You know the pistol is holding your pictures

If I pull it out Ima blow it 

And I don’t need 100 I know Ima hit cha

Its felony I’m parolling

I’m crimin schemin and planning to take over planets 

With all that I am

I’m Trying to get rich for the fam

And once I finish I’m going to hell and 

I say my prayers

And I go to sleep 

Old Me (FJ Outlaw)

I should feel “lighter”. I convinced myself the heaviest things I’ve carried, over the last year and a half, were the very things I no longer have to hold. The legal worries, lawyer fees, and the uncertainty around all that bullshit, are over. All the stress of not knowing, wondering whether my husband would be seen for the man I’ve known all along he is. Wondering if we’ll have enough money, time, or even enough motivation left to fight. That battle is over, and yet, things are still so heavy. I won’t claim we won, because there simply is no winning here. We didn’t lose even more, though. We can keep what’s left. I know I should be grateful…

I saw someone describe a lesson from eagles and crows. He said, crows dare to peck at the eagle. They’ll scream and torment the eagle, but the eagle doesn’t respond to the crow. Instead, he spreads his wings and flies. As the crow clings to the eagle’s back, incessantly pecking at him, the eagle elevates. He climbs higher, and eventually, the arrogant crow gasps and tumbles. The crow runs out of oxygen, as the air thins up there. The eagle knows he can breathe just fine, and the crow won’t be able to. The crow actually knows it, too. The crow becomes so focused on its torment of the eagle, it doesn’t realize until it’s too late. I’m sure I want to be like the eagle, but fuck it’s hard sometimes. I possess enough information to cast my crows into their own pits of hell. I could perch on a tree limb, and watch their panic and desperation, as they reckon with the realization of not only where they’re trapped now, but who put them there, and why. Some days, the temptation to do exactly that, nearly overwhelms my determination not to. My struggle is complicated, because to defend myself and my husband, would also reveal truths that will certainly ensure our crows find themselves stuck in the very traps they once built for me. The thing is, I understand that, as tempting as it can be, the satisfaction I’m imagining will never manifest. Instead, I have to keep looking up. I will not allow myself to give into my desires for retribution. I will not lower myself to the sort of standards those crows can live by. I will retain something no one else can ever take from me, my soul. My convictions in my faith remind me of who I am. I won’t have to hurt my crows. Their foolish pride has already begun to send them where they’re going. I truly hope, when they do get there, I’ve resolved this lingering anger. I don’t want to be the kind of person who laughs as crows hit the ground with a satisfying thud. I’d like to be so far removed, when that happens, I will neither know nor care about the outcome of a crow’s foolish choices.

Oh, they tell me of a home far beyond the skies,
Oh, they tell me of a home far away;
Oh, they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise,
Oh, they tell me of an unclouded day.

Oh, the land of cloudless day,
Oh, the land of an unclouded sky,
Oh, they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise,
Oh, they tell me of an unclouded day.

Oh, they tell me of a home where my friends have gone,
Oh, they tell me of that land far away,
Where the tree of life in eternal bloom
Sheds its fragrance through the unclouded day.

Oh, they tell me of a King in His beauty there,
And they tell me that mine eyes shall behold
Where He sits on the throne that is whiter than snow,
In the city that is made of gold.

Oh, they tell me that He smiles on His children there,
And His smile drives their sorrows all away;
And they tell me that no tears ever come again
In that lovely land of unclouded day.

~Audra Mae & The Forest Rangers

(Written by Josiah K. Allwood, published 1885)

I’m not really sure how or where to begin, here.

Last Wednesday, September 10, Mj and I had taken our cat (Gary) for an appointment at the vet. Afterward, we stopped at PetCo. As we were giggling about the variety of catnip options, and the hilarious way they labeled them, a news alert made my phone ding, and my Apple Watch buzzed. I looked at my watch, and saw the headline, “President Trump announces death of Charlie Kirk”. I audibly gasped, and Mj asked me what happened? I read her the headline I’d just read. I don’t know if it was shock, or whether I’m actually just a shitty human, but we finished our shopping, went for coffee at our favorite spot, and then went home. Awhile later, my sister text me, to ask if I’d heard the news about Charlie Kirk. I had forgotten. I mean, I didn’t forget that I’d been made aware, back at PetCo. I just, somehow, completely blocked it out. Only after my sister reminded me, did I begin to search for more information. Within minutes, I saw what would haunt my mind for I’m still not sure how long, because it’s still stuck on repeat inside my memory. I can’t make it stop. I didn’t know Charlie Kirk. I’d seen conversations he’d had over the years, on podcasts. My opinions on his opinions, frankly, have not one fucking thing to do with the fact that he was assassinated. Murdered brutally, in front of the world, and in front of his wife and their babies. I’ve got zero tolerance for anyone who attempts to justify taking a man’s life, over his political or religious beliefs. I’m horrified to see the sheer amount of hatred and callousness being spread in the supposed name of tolerance, democracy, or whatever bullshit excuses the most wretched of people are giving. I’m beyond disgusted. It’s induced a fury within me. Anger that I’m praying for God to quell, before I do or say the UN-Christian things being provoked from me. I truly used to believe most people were good. I’m not convinced, anymore. We’ve lost our humanity. We’re a bunch of fools. Like animals, caged and bored, so we just slaughter and devour one another.

I need to go and “touch grass”, as they say. Stay away from the cesspool located inside the World Wide Web, for awhile. I swear, I’m gonna wind up being one of those people standing on a street corner, holding up a sign that reads, REPENT! The end is near! Because, to tell the truth, I’m genuinely beginning to think they’re not the crazy ones. It’s people like me, who wander through life as if monsters aren’t lurking around damn near every single corner.

RIP Charlie Kirk. RIP to all victims of this senseless depravity by the hands of far too many people who seem to readily embrace it. I’m sick and tired of making myself weak, attempting to avoid offending others. I need God right now, to help me to choose the right words to speak. I’m so damn overwhelmed by a seething anger, with a heap of hopelessness thrown on top. I’m not sure how to make a real difference, right now. I want to, though.

This mornin’ I got up at 6:01
I walked out and saw the rising sun
And I drank it in like whiskey
I saw a tree I’ve seen a thousand times

A bird on a branch and
I watched it fly away in the wind
And it hit me
It’s a beautiful world sometimes I don’t see so clear

Some days you just breath in
Just try to break even
Sometimes your heart’s
Poundin’ out of your chest

Sometimes it’s just beatin’
Some days you just forget
What all you’ve been given
Yeah, some days you just get by

And some days you’re just alive
Some days you’re livin’

Like you never die
Blue’s a little bluer up in the sky
You’re high’s a little high
You feel that fire you’ve been missing
Some days you’re living

~Dierks Bentley

Well, July was another rollercoaster ride of a month, but we made it through. Here we are, in August. School has began, again. We moved Mikayla down to Knoxville, for her Sophomore year of college. Brooklyn is just planning to take some online classes, and continue to work. Mj had her first day back to school, yesterday.

A few weeks ago, I got what is the scariest phone call I’ve ever received, to now. Someone from the office at Adam’s work called me just after noon, on a Friday. As soon as I saw the name of his work on my screen, my heart dropped. I immediately knew, Adam was hurt, and it was bad enough that he wasn’t able to be the one to inform me. His colleague told me that paramedics were with Adam, after he’d been found unconscious out on the yard of another job site. He gave me the name of the hospital they’d be taking Adam to, and I raced there. When I arrived, Adam was awake, but very disoriented. They ran a bunch of tests, an MRI, and had an IV pumping fluids quickly into him. His heart rate was incredibly high, too. In the 140’s when I got there. They determined he’d passed out of heat exhaustion. He also had a concussion from hitting his head when he’d collapsed. He had a couple of nasty gashes on his head. He was going to be okay, though.

B had an appointment, with her orthopedic surgeon, recently. She’s healing and doing amazing. He says she will need to avoid running or jumping for a whole year, but is otherwise cleared to do regular activity.

We made pudgie pies, on Mikayla’s birthday.

Adam’s mom has been having terrible headaches, that pain meds don’t help. Her doctors are concerned her cancer has spread into her brain.

I sometimes get emotionally exhausted, and I can’t even talk through all the reasons why. I just need to be alone, and process by myself. I go for drives, every now and then. I get in my car, heading anywhere but here. I crank up my music, and let myself get mad, sad, and finally, I feel a little bit better.

I went on a drive, the other day. When I got home, Adam and I went out back and played cornhole. Some of the heaviness, from the weight of all the things I’d carried around, had lifted. I’m notorious for allowing my worries to pile up, as I attempt to keep moving so no one else notices. Eventually, it always reaches a point where I realize I’m about to collapse under the pressure. I have an overwhelming urge to flee, in those moments. To run far and fast from all the people who might see me so weak and tired. As soon as I’ve sorted through all the piles of shit I’d been holding onto, and lightened my load, I want nothing more than to return to my family, knowing I can enjoy and participate. I can contribute something meaningful, again.

It’s a “cool” 97 degrees, outside, but I’ve started putting my Summer decorations away, and replacing them with some Fall ones. I spent some time on FaceTime, with Mikayla. I washed windows and folded laundry. I picked up groceries, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, and mopped floors. I’ve got music playing. I decided it was time to sit down for a few minutes, and write here.

Some folks whispered, some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day

Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right or it’s wrong
But maybe it’s the only way
Talk about your revolution
It’s Independence Day

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day

~Martina McBride

I play music nearly every waking moment of my days. It helps me through the hardest times. It motivates me, when I have shit to do. It plays in the background of practically every single memory, as it’s made. From the happiest celebrations, to quiet reflection when I’m alone, to the toughest goodbyes, I’ve got playlists for every occasion. There’s song lyrics able to express exactly what I’m feeling, always. My anger, hurt, and sadness practically screamed out through its lyrics, Today, this song has morphed into an anthem expressing my acceptance. Grasping even the harshest realities by no means equates to gratitude over them. It simply confirms that I do, in fact, possess the strength and courage to keep going, in spite of things I truly believed I’d never recover from. I was never more convinced of my inability to survive, or just how unworthy I was of healing. I don’t say that flippantly, either. It’s absolutely the truth. Until one day, with time, I realized I’d begun to actually see that what seemed so obviously impossible was suddenly possible. Possibilities I’m discovering myself embracing, because I refuse to continue on accepting that the cruelty, contempt, and pain are exactly what I deserve. Nobody knows my heart, my intentions, or motivations, better than I do. What anyone thinks of me just isn’t my business, if the truth they choose to accept of who and what I am is formed based on lies. Someone willing to condemn me, while refusing to consider who I’ve always shown them I am, cannot possibly claim to have loved me. If it was easy to trust the deceit filled words of another, carelessly able to betray those who’ve only tried to give them love and support…I can’t have mattered very much. Sure, I could seek retribution, but why? What exactly would be the point? Proving myself to anyone requiring evidence that I’m not a monster, what purpose would that serve? If you’re so easily persuaded, and I’m so easily dismissed, I really don’t deserve you. I will not fight to include anyone in my life, who’s blatantly shown me exactly how much they valued me, my word, my actions and opinions, our experiences, promises, expectations, and especially my family. I won’t again make myself vulnerable to anybody capable of exploiting those vulnerabilities, with virtually no concern for the damage that causes. Eventually, truth seems to have a way of making itself known. Its acceptance honestly seems utterly unimportant to me, anymore, from any one unwilling to take the time to search it out, or to have bothered to give me any benefit of doubt in the meantime.

Please don’t mistake my sentiment as attempts to throw a pity party of one, here. I’m much stronger than before. I don’t need or want sympathy, condolences, or apologies. All I want, is to cling tightly onto what’s left here with me. To live without fear. I’m tired of glancing carefully over my shoulder, anytime I begin to feel safe. Checking for knives aimed at my back, held by hands I used to trust. I’m utterly exhausted from all the energy I’ve wasted on vain attempts to preserve fruits that rotted long ago. I only reflect on my past, so that I can better prepare for my future. A gangrenous limb must be amputated. The only options are to do so, or to allow the infection to spread over my entire body, ensuring my own destruction. I’m hoping to more clearly recognize the symptoms, before I’m forced to cut off anything more.

It’s Independence Day, and I’m finally beginning to feel free. I truly will die on my feet, before I’d live on my knees.

Happy Birthday, United States of America 🇺🇸

One year older, wiser. And, so am I.

It’s the joy of Grandma laughin’
And Grandpa’s funny jokes
It’s the rumble of those ol’ baseball cards
Flappin’ between the spokes
It’s a Fourth of July picnic
It’s farm-made and rock and roll
From town to town
You can hear the sound of the American soul

Oh, say can you see
Flag that you wave
Freedom ain’t free
In the home of the brave
It’s the roots and the boots
From the hard hat to the steel toe
It’s the hustle and bustle
Blood, sweat, and tears that build the backbone
Of the American Soul

~Aaron Watson

I picked up my Mj, yesterday. We got her a direct flight, from KC to Nashville. It was her first time ever flying all alone. Even though her older sisters had done it, since they were much younger than Mj, I was still anxious about it. She did great, though. She regaled me with all the stories of her adventures, over the past two weeks. She’s become quite the expert at dirt biking. Yikes.

I truly am so glad she was able to go and spend time with her grandma, uncles, and cousins. She’s got memories she’ll carry with her always.

Today, Mj and I went and got some Dutch Bros iced coffees, and went to the grocery store. I always seem to come home with much more than anticipated, anytime I bring along my husband or kids. We had fun, though. I’ve got meatloaf in the oven, for supper. It’s a much cooler 88 degrees outside, right now. We had temps over 100, all the past week. I’m probably the only person who isn’t complaining about those heat waves! I just love everything Summer brings, even the hot weather.

We’re going to Poppy’s, on the Fourth. I’ve got everything to make Mj and my annual “flag cake”, and Jell-O shots.

Things at my house are pretty much what’s grown to become our normal. I’m enjoying the quiet joy that the consistency brings me. Looking at the smiling happy faces that surround me is where I find my peace. Life isn’t quite so hard to do, these days. Everyday, I flip my daily calendar over. For years, I’ve had the same one. I flip the calendar over, and I now think to myself, look how far I’ve come. That’s a very welcome change, from an entire year of mornings flipping those same calendar pages and wishing I could go back. Instead, I now feel grateful I’ve gone forward.

I’m okay as fuck, today.

Before this battlefield
We were on our way to better days
Rolling like a freight train with no brakes into the future like we had it made

I can see the smoke rolling off your gun
And them lips tellin’ me we’re done
Sometimes some of them shots you just can’t outrun

When you’re living in a warzone
With a heart full of bullet holes and boarded up windows
We’ve been riding out this storm for way too long

How we gonna call this house a home
Living in a warzone

~Bailey Zimmerman

Adam went into work for awhile, this morning. After he got home, I cleaned out both of our fridges, and Adam loaded the back of his truck up with things to take to recycling, and then to the dump. Our garage was full of Amazon boxes, and we just recently got a new mattress for our bed. I had loved the one we’d had, but it was losing its appeal after having it for over eight years. One night, I’d tossed and turned, attempting to finally get comfortable, but to no avail. Adam had woke up to me sitting up in bed, with my head resting on my knees. The next morning, I texted him and asked “Can I buy a new mattress?” I got an immediate response from him that said simply, “Yes”. Beings I’d already anticipated that would be his reply, I’d already spent a couple hours researching. I sent him a few options I’d found. Of course, I knew which of them would be my first choice, but naturally my number one pick was the most expensive. I explained my reasons for each of the options I’d presented, and he surprised me by telling me to get the best one, because he wanted me to be able to sleep comfortably again! It took a few days for it to be delivered, and let me tell you, I’ve slept amazing ever since we got it! I only regret that I waited so long to replace our old one.

Adam hauled off our boxes, everything I’d cleaned out of our fridges, and our worn out old mattress. Where we live, there’s a specific recycling center to bring things like old mattresses and box springs. For a small fee, they’ll take them off our hands. Later, he got to be the “passenger prince”, when he came along with me to the grocery store. He almost always drives anywhere we go together, but every once in awhile I sneak into the driver’s seat before he can. We ended up goofing around, and picked up some unnecessary things, like the Reeces ice cream I grabbed and soft serve cookies and cream he wanted. He had the leftover pizza we still had from last night, and then I made us each a big bowl of the ice cream we brought home for ourselves.

I made a couple of craft projects, while I watched TV. I’d finished the reality show I’d been watching, and browsed Hulu, Netflix, Paramount Plus, Prime TV, and all the other various apps we subscribe to. I wound up settling on The Nanny. When I was a kid, I’d seen a few episodes, but never really watched since. I’m already totally invested! I absolutely love these old TV series. They don’t make much these days that’s anywhere near as good as old classics.

I’ve been listening to fireworks being lit all around our neighborhood. I can hardly believe it’s going to be the 4th already! I’m excited, this year. Last year was mostly a blur, for me. Trying to remember in any detail is like attempting to decipher the plot in a book with 2/3 of the pages missing. It’s as if the previous year was 12 entire months of one long cold winter. My very least favorite season. Dreary, cloudy, freezing, and trapped inside while doing my best to keep warm. I’m finally enjoying and even participating in my favorite time of year, this year.

Adam has babied the hell out of me, the last year. Even when I’m sassy, lashing out, or screwing up. He gives me so much grace. Mostly because he understands my harsh tone and words are an expression of my fears, hurt, and sadness. Misplaced emotions, being delivered to him, because there’s no one else I feel safe enough to fall apart with. He also carries guilt. He feels sorry for me, while blaming himself, even though I’ve never held him responsible for the shitstorm. To be completely honest, I do believe part of the reason for our mess lands on him. Not in the ways some people would think, though. He waited too long. He should’ve taken action much sooner. Maybe we could’ve prevented at least part of the mess. I wish he could’ve recognized the significance of many of the issues we’d been struggling with for far longer than the one evening when the pressure valve finally burst, and he could no longer pretend we weren’t in trouble. We’d been in over our heads, with behaviors we couldn’t manage, tolerate, or convince his son to change. We’d lost any semblance of power over what was happening far earlier than really either one of us would’ve admitted. It’s not as easy as you’d imagine, to admit. Part of me had heard alarm bells ringing for months. Part of me would also question the warning bells. He’s a boy, and boys aren’t always going to be like my girls in their actions, choices, or responses. Am I being too harsh? Do I tolerate things my girls do, but not him? Am I a good mom? Have I given him enough love? Do I weigh his actions heavier because I’m afraid he’ll wind up following in his birth mom’s footsteps? I’d argue with my persistent concerns, and insist his behaviors were still normal. Teenagers lie, after all. They can be rude, disrespectful, and particularly teen boys have been known to be aggressive at times. He’ll grow up, I told myself. Clearly, Adam was not the only one with his head buried in the sand. We both failed.

I’m going to sit here and watch one more episode of The Nanny. I didn’t intend to write the paragraph above, when I decided to write here tonight. It just sort of came out. It’s been a good day. I’ve felt pretty peaceful and content. I’m also very much looking forward to getting my sexy husband between my legs.