Better back down, you’re in my domain
Got the whole crowd screaming out our name
It’s a blowout, it’s a hurricane
It’s over before you know it
Why you shaking, we’re a dynasty
In the making, we’re the royalty
Now we’re breaking down the enemy
Move over for the soldiers
Take a swing, I can take a hit
If we die, it’s fine, we live for this
It’s all for this…
We’re gonna stand on top with our hands in the sky
Gonna raise our cup to the stadium lights
For the glory
For the glory
We celebrate with the city tonight
Hear the hometown cheer, it’s the ultimate high
For the glory
We do it for the glory
~All Good Things featuring Hollywood Undead
Hollywood Undead is one of my favorite bands. Especially when I’m needing to really crank up the music and jam out to a song that helps me to express my frustrations. I’m very frustrated, right now. My brother got a phone call days ago. He’s being sent on his eighth deployment. Well, he’s on it now. He left yesterday morning. He wasn’t supposed to deploy again. He’s done so much, seen too much. He’s 38 years old. He’s just a year from being able to retire from his Navy career! But…our country has decided to call on people just like him, once again. I mentioned this, in my last post, but I’m struggling a lot with all of this now that he’s gone. I’m pissed off!
It’s the most bewildering thing, to me, how my brother can be such contrasting and different people, depending on who it is he’s addressing. I can make him cry. I’ve seen him weak. Yet, he is an incredible badass, too. I’m not sure how much I’m truly “supposed” to say, but he’s a Navy freaking SEAL. He’s been deployed as one of the “Frogmen”. He’s been through training I can’t imagine, let alone the places he’s had to actually use that training in real life situations. He’s a human “lie detector”, which terrifies our sister, because she’s afraid he’ll be able to tell she’s full of it when she insists she’s never smoked pot 😆 I am beyond proud of him. I can’t find the words to even express the admiration and appreciation I have for what he’s been through, sacrificed, done, and seen. The thing is, I’ve also seen what that’s done to him. I’ve witnessed the changes in him. He comes home desperately attempting to convince us that he’s fine. Meanwhile, it’s plainly obvious that he’s not. He won’t talk about most of it. I’ve gotten bits and pieces of stories. They’re enough for me to understand it’s more than I can imagine. When he’s deployed, he exists inside a world that looks nothing like the beautiful happy bubble I live inside. Knowing he’s on his way to this foreign destination, one full of danger and death and destruction, it’s a difficult emotion to describe in words. The best I can say is, I’m frustrated and afraid. My brother is an amazing man, but he’s got scars, both visible and invisible, caused because of the things he’s been asked to do for our country. He barely resembles the boy I grew up with. I only get glimpses of that boy, occasionally. Most of the time, he’s hard, guarded, quiet, and cautious as hell. I see the way he seems to always be watching for something bad to happen. He never truly relaxes. I so want him to be back home again. At the same time, he always says to me that he does this because someone has to. He allows himself to be used like a pawn on a chess board, because he knows someone needs to stand in that place.
I’m so glad he got to be here and spend time with us at Christmas time! I miss him. My heart aches knowing there are new scars about to be made on and inside him. I pray for his safe return, knowing full well what that still means. We’re all thrilled to have him back home, but it’s never quite him. He’s always replaced with a version of the man who left us. He resembles my brother, but isn’t quite the same. How many pieces can be torn from who he is, before we no longer recognize him?
























