Guess you might say I’m a little intense
I’m on the bright side of being hell-bent
So, take it from me, you’re not the only one
Who can’t see straight (can’t see straight)

If you were ever in doubt
Don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof
Hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed
But you gotta try
And I’m calling out

Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
What’s taking so long?
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Stop stalling, I’m calling out
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
Ain’t nothing wrong
‘Cause I believe you can be whatever
And I agree you can do much better, trust me

~SHINEDOWN

We had so much fun, Saturday evening. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant near us. We came back home, and wound up just sitting around telling stories, laughing and talking.

It was such a shame, after having this great night with everyone, it wound up going bad. Wyatt has had a real bad attitude. Sometimes, he can get way too mouthy and rude. It frustrates the crap out of me! Especially, when he aims his attitude at me. That’s exactly what happened, in the middle of our good time. He said some hurtful things, and worse than that, Adam allowed it to happen. As a result of all that, I was upset. I waited until everyone had left, and Adam and I were climbing into our bed, to let my feelings be known. I called Adam a “pussy”, and eventually told him to just shut up. We went to sleep, after that. The next morning was very quiet. We barely spoke to each other. Eventually, Adam came to talk with me. He apologized for saying nothing, while our son treated me that way. He told me I was just as disrespectful to him [Adam], though, because of the comments I made before bed. While he’s not wrong, I was disrespectful as fuck to Adam, I honestly felt justified, in that moment. It’s such a backwards way to go about things, but I think I honestly do things like that because I know it’ll “wake Adam up”. If I’m willing to cross those lines, something’s wrong. The truth is, he probably did the best thing, immediately after I’d spoken to him that way. He turned over and went to sleep. In the next morning light, though, I almost wanted Adam to punish me for it. Even inside moments like that was, I’m fully aware that I’m saying and doing things I’d normally get my butt whooped for. I also know, in moments like that, he won’t. When I am that angry, and actually justified in my own frustrations, he knows he messed up. This creates a dilemma, in his own mind. How can he punish me, when he has also fucked up? I realized, just yesterday, I believe I push so hard against him, when he’s wrong, because I’m desperately trying to make my Adam come back. I need him to hear me, to understand where I’m coming from. I also so want him to right himself again, asap. I don’t mean to just “kick him when he’s down”. That’s truly not what my intentions are. I feel as if the man in front of me isn’t my husband. My husband wouldn’t let any of this happen. So, if I can find a way to bring him back to me, that’s what I’m going to do. I suppose it’s unfortunate, but saying and doing outrageously disrespectful shit does help to “wake him up”, most always. I do wish to find a better way to handle those kind of situations. I wish Adam wouldn’t let me get away with that shit. At least, I wish that after the “smoke has cleared.” I wouldn’t do that, if it didn’t work. But, it does do the job of grabbing his attention, letting him know I mean it. The worst part is the next day. The next day, Adam’s been knocked down hard, and his confidence is shaken badly. Then, I again just so want to “get him back”, I struggle not to continue to push against him. To keep being defiant and difficult. My quiet hope, so quiet that I hadn’t even recognized this to be the case, until now, is for Adam to stand himself up tall again. I genuinely want him to make it all stop. Even if that means I’m paying consequences for my own actions. I gamble. Either he’ll find his strength and authority, or I’ll “win”. The crazy part is, I don’t want to win. Winning would be getting my husband back. I don’t want to break him. I guess I just know exactly where his weak spots are, and I press against them because I’m hoping that showing them to him will make him better and stronger. That way, we won’t have to do this again. I’m not entirely sure this makes any sense written out here? I do realize how ridiculous it must all seem. Sometimes, I really wish I was capable of picking Adam up, putting him over my knee, and spanking him until he’s sorry. Clearly, that isn’t a possibility. So, I need to find a better way to handle stuff like that. I’m aware the way I can act is the absolute opposite of doing right. But, why does the wrong thing seem to be the best way to accomplish my goal of letting him know I’m serious, and he was wrong?

[…or so]

~Shinedown

This morning, Justin and Jackie came by, and we all made a Costco trip. We just got back home. Jackie went home to take a shower. Then, they’ll be back over here, so we can get ready. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are going out tonight! We’re planning to go eat at a local Mexican restaurant. After that, we’ve made no concrete plans yet, but we’re doing something fun.

It’s cold as hell, today. The last week was gorgeous, but our weather has decided to turn cold, just for the weekend.

I suppose I should update here, on what happened after I decided to inform Adam about the possible issue. The night before last, while we were in the shower, I talked to him. I explained everything, and why I had neglected to tell him about this sooner. I reasoned, there’s nothing we can do to change the outcome anyhow, so there was no need in worrying him with this. At first, he was upset. He can’t stand to think I would keep things from him, because I’m “afraid” of him. He asked me, “Have you EVER told me something, and I’ve just turned into the hulk on you?” The answer is no, of course not! Adam had never once lost his temper with me. As I carefully chose my words, I was able to explain that it isn’t that I am afraid he will lash out at me. I just feel bad for him, when there’s already a lot going on. I feel selfish, dumping more onto him. I asked him, “Don’t you have things that worry you? Things that sometimes keep you up at night, but you see me sleeping peacefully. You think to yourself, she’s got enough going on. I’m not about to burden her with this stupid thing that’s bothering me right now.” At first, he insisted that he tells me everything. I argued, though. I know that’s not true. He’s this big and strong and capable man. He has fears and worries. He has struggles. I know damn well, he doesn’t share all of those with me! When I’m afraid, and I confide in him, he is quick to assure me that everything will be okay. However, I guarantee there are times where he’s also thinking, to himself, how the hell am I going to fix this? Every once in awhile, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, for him. I’m attempting to handle a problem, without asking him to take it on. This conversation immediately softened him. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t even concerned. He said, whatever happens with it, we’ll figure it out just like we always do. He told me he was questioning himself, about what to do with my not sharing this with him. He now understood my intentions clearly, and he was actually touched, knowing I genuinely wanted to help to protect him. However, he was afraid if he let this go, I would take this as permission to continue to leave out information he should know about. I promised him, had this been my mistake, or anything that could be changed or influenced by actions we could’ve taken now, I’d have told him. I hadn’t said or done one darned thing to earn a spanking in nearly half a year. That’s something! In the end, Adam didn’t punish me for this. He did ask me to please not ever feel like I need to keep things from him. He wasn’t angry, though. He knew I truly had the best intentions, and despite this, that I felt guilty about holding onto even the smallest “secret”. I actually debate myself, sometimes. Isn’t it kind of selfish, to have a concern, or a problem, and instantly ask my husband to fix it? Isn’t it selfish, to only share information with him because I don’t want my butt to be sore? I don’t know? There are a lot of questions, like these, that pass through my own thoughts.

When we went to bed, that night, Adam practically ripped off my clothes. He wanted me. I needed him, too. We had the kind of sex that I can still feel in my body the next day. It was amazing.

After all of that, I still managed to find myself in trouble, last night… It was most certainly not intentional, either. I wasn’t attempting to create trouble. It just happened. It wouldn’t be wise to inform Adam of this, but… to be completely honest, the spanking didn’t really hurt. I think he’s been easy on me, because I’ve so obviously been trying hard to avoid trouble. Although I was very nervous, for him to get home from work, after he’d texted me what was coming as a result of my infraction yesterday, it wasn’t nearly as serious as I’d feared. I’d made a mistake. An honest mistake. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a repeat offense. Something I’ve done many times before. But, this time was different. I hadn’t forgotten, or necessarily even procrastinated on this thing I needed to get done. I simply hadn’t prioritized it. There’s been a whole lot happening, and it was on my list of things to do. Unfortunately, I had no idea it mattered when this got taken care of, until I was notified. So, because of my misunderstanding of the urgency to take care of an issue, there were unforeseen consequences. Both for Adam’s wallet, and my behind. Still, I’m able to sit down perfectly fine today 😉

I’m going to go and do my best to make myself pretty, before we go out tonight. I’ve been so looking forward to a night like this one, with my husband, my best friend, and her man. It’s gonna be a great night. I’m going to make sure of it.

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

~Taylor Swift

My babies are growing up so fast, right now. I suppose they’ve been growing at a steady rate, all along, but suddenly…they seem so grown. Wyatt and Mj have added inches, to their heights, this past year. Wyatt’s bigger and stronger than I am, now. His daddy can still take him, though! I was talking to Wyatt, the other day. I told him, when you’re young, your parents are so “old”. Then, one day, you look at them and you think to yourself, my parents aren’t old! And, that’s when you realize you’re getting older, too. Acknowledging the fact that all our lives will have an end, is a tough thing. I know my brother would tease about how, one day, he would be big and strong, and he would be able to win a “wrestling match” against our dad. When the day does come, that it’s obvious you’d be able to “take” your own father, all you’ll wish is for your daddy to be the strong and capable and heroic man you always knew you could count on, growing up. Sure, you could knock him to the ground, but now you wish that weren’t true. You worry about your parents. You pray they can look, feel, and act as “old” as your memories remember them.

We ordered Mikayla’s cap, grown, and tassel, for her upcoming graduation. She’s going to the University of Tennessee, at Knoxville, this Fall. We’re so proud of her! She’s been offered a full scholarship. That kid is the hardest working teenager I’ve ever met. She’s earned this. I remind myself, this is the goal. As a parent, your purpose is to raise up your children. For them to be capable, ready, and willing to spread their own wings, and fly. My babies will forever be my babies, though. I used to love to dance with them. I spent countless hours, dancing in the kitchen, while I held them. When Mikayla was a baby, I listened to a lot of “Michael Buble”, early “Taylor Swift”, and “Kenny Chesney”. I remember the way she smelled. I can still feel her tiny head resting on my shoulder. I would hold her, and dance, and sing, well past the point my arms were aching from holding this small little baby for so long. I remember my own thoughts, please let this moment last just a little longer. Even then, in the middle of the chaos and haze of having new babies, almost no sleep, and the struggles of becoming an adult myself, I was very aware this day would come. Here it is, just over the horizon now. Before I know it, it’ll be my last baby’s turn to grow up. The time will come for her to spread her wings, and begin her own adventure. I’ve pondered thoughts of “what if”. What if, I could go back in time? Could take my babies back to the moments I cherish in my mind. It occurred to me, I’d miss them. I’d miss the people they are, right now. One of the biggest heartaches, of being a parent, is also one of life’s greatest joys. Watching our children show us who they are. They’re their own people. They have their own thoughts, memories, goals, dreams, fears… I guess I’m just hoping they don’t ever stop sharing themselves with me, at least sometimes. I hope they can remember me, their mama, and their hearts swell with the kind of love that mine does, when I think of them. Worrying and wondering about your kids, never stops. As they’re growing up, the worries evolve. Old fears are replaced by new possibilities. But, I can’t keep them safe in the way I used to. Laying on my shoulder, sleeping peacefully, while we danced in the kitchen.

And a lot more action

~Toby Keith

There has been a lot goin’ on, here! Our friend, Biscuit, had a stroke. He’s been in the hospital for a few weeks. He’s improving, and I think he will get through this and do alright, but that was scary. The baby (of the little people I watch here), Emma, was also in the hospital for a few days. She had a scheduled procedure, where they looked inside her airways to determine whether they will need to do reconstructive surgery. It was discovered she will not need to have that done, which is amazing! They have capped her trachea. She is almost exclusively breathing through her mouth and nose! Only when she’s sleeping, do I need to put her trachea “nose” on for her. In mid April, she’s going to have surgery to completely remove her trachea, too! I can’t describe how incredible it is, hearing Emma really talking. She truly is a miracle baby.

Wyatt is starting with Spring baseball training. Mj had a Valentine’s dance, yesterday. Mikayla’s boyfriend took her out, for Valentine’s Day.

Adam went to help a friend replace a part in their vehicle that I can’t name, and don’t have a clue about what it does, except that it took them three days to finally finish that project. He’s been real busy, this week. I’ve been keeping something from him. It’s nothing I did, or didn’t do. It’s just an unfortunate circumstance due to bad timing and unforeseen events. At first, I didn’t say anything because he was having such a good day. I didn’t want to make him worry. I was so enjoying having a fun, quiet evening with him. That was last Thursday… On Friday, Jackie and I were hanging out, talking and laughing. On Saturday, we had company. On Sunday, Adam went to Justin and Jackie’s place, to watch the Super Bowl. I had the other 2 littles here, because Emma was in the hospital. Then, Monday, Tuesday, and yesterday, he was working on that car after he got off work. He was getting home with just enough time to eat some supper, shower, and crawl into bed. Like hell I’m gonna bring up something that’ll stress him out after a long day like these were!!! The thing is, an entire week has now passed. I’m keenly aware of how Adam feels about me keeping things from him. I know he’s going to be upset with me. Not because the issue is my doing, but because I’ve chosen not to share this with him. Stuff like this is so hard for me, though! I genuinely feel like I’m protecting my husband. There’s not a damn thing either of us can do about it, so why dump it on him now? And, when is a good time to do that to him? If he’s had a great day, I don’t want to spoil it. If he’s had a crappy day, I’m not looking to pile more crap on… So, here we are. The thing is, it’s starting to make me feel “heavy”. I’m carrying this by myself, which I can handle. It’s the guilt, over not talking to him about it, that gets to me. Because he’s made it very clear that he does not want me to keep things from him. As much as I know this, I still convince myself that the best thing to do, is hold onto certain things, sometimes, by myself. And, another thing is, there’s a better than not chance that this issue will not even end up mattering at all! It’s very possible it won’t end up changing a thing. So, I can’t decide what to do. Do I tell him about all this crap, despite a complete inability to change anything? I could wait to find out whether it really is a problem at all. Of course, if it is a problem, I would share that with him. If he somehow found out that I’d known about all this though, he would be so upset with me. That’s the risk I’m weighing. I know this is a very vague description I’ve given here, but I don’t want to get into the details. Suffice it to say, it’s an insurance versus contractor issue. Well, possible issue. Our contractor brought it up, last Thursday. If this does become the problem he suggested was possible, although not likely, we’re going to be on the hook for a lot more money out of our pockets. We got our house all fixed up. The damage caused by tornadoes, in December, has been repaired. More than repaired, because we literally put the best roof you can buy on our house this time. Capable of withstanding, I believe, 160 mph winds. With a lifetime (as long as we live here) warranty. Or a 30 year transferable warranty, if we sold our house. Everything looks great! We were so happy with it all! A lot of people around here have had to fight their home insurance companies, since the tornadoes. Ours seemed to be coming through for us, with absolutely no hesitations. I’m hoping they don’t cause us problems now. They probably won’t. So, why am I even stressing it? Anyway, that’s what’s new with me.

Better back down, you’re in my domain
Got the whole crowd screaming out our name
It’s a blowout, it’s a hurricane
It’s over before you know it
Why you shaking, we’re a dynasty
In the making, we’re the royalty
Now we’re breaking down the enemy
Move over for the soldiers

Take a swing, I can take a hit
If we die, it’s fine, we live for this
It’s all for this…

We’re gonna stand on top with our hands in the sky
Gonna raise our cup to the stadium lights
For the glory
For the glory
We celebrate with the city tonight
Hear the hometown cheer, it’s the ultimate high
For the glory
We do it for the glory

~All Good Things featuring Hollywood Undead

Hollywood Undead is one of my favorite bands. Especially when I’m needing to really crank up the music and jam out to a song that helps me to express my frustrations. I’m very frustrated, right now. My brother got a phone call days ago. He’s being sent on his eighth deployment. Well, he’s on it now. He left yesterday morning. He wasn’t supposed to deploy again. He’s done so much, seen too much. He’s 38 years old. He’s just a year from being able to retire from his Navy career! But…our country has decided to call on people just like him, once again. I mentioned this, in my last post, but I’m struggling a lot with all of this now that he’s gone. I’m pissed off!

It’s the most bewildering thing, to me, how my brother can be such contrasting and different people, depending on who it is he’s addressing. I can make him cry. I’ve seen him weak. Yet, he is an incredible badass, too. I’m not sure how much I’m truly “supposed” to say, but he’s a Navy freaking SEAL. He’s been deployed as one of the “Frogmen”. He’s been through training I can’t imagine, let alone the places he’s had to actually use that training in real life situations. He’s a human “lie detector”, which terrifies our sister, because she’s afraid he’ll be able to tell she’s full of it when she insists she’s never smoked pot 😆 I am beyond proud of him. I can’t find the words to even express the admiration and appreciation I have for what he’s been through, sacrificed, done, and seen. The thing is, I’ve also seen what that’s done to him. I’ve witnessed the changes in him. He comes home desperately attempting to convince us that he’s fine. Meanwhile, it’s plainly obvious that he’s not. He won’t talk about most of it. I’ve gotten bits and pieces of stories. They’re enough for me to understand it’s more than I can imagine. When he’s deployed, he exists inside a world that looks nothing like the beautiful happy bubble I live inside. Knowing he’s on his way to this foreign destination, one full of danger and death and destruction, it’s a difficult emotion to describe in words. The best I can say is, I’m frustrated and afraid. My brother is an amazing man, but he’s got scars, both visible and invisible, caused because of the things he’s been asked to do for our country. He barely resembles the boy I grew up with. I only get glimpses of that boy, occasionally. Most of the time, he’s hard, guarded, quiet, and cautious as hell. I see the way he seems to always be watching for something bad to happen. He never truly relaxes. I so want him to be back home again. At the same time, he always says to me that he does this because someone has to. He allows himself to be used like a pawn on a chess board, because he knows someone needs to stand in that place.

I’m so glad he got to be here and spend time with us at Christmas time! I miss him. My heart aches knowing there are new scars about to be made on and inside him. I pray for his safe return, knowing full well what that still means. We’re all thrilled to have him back home, but it’s never quite him. He’s always replaced with a version of the man who left us. He resembles my brother, but isn’t quite the same. How many pieces can be torn from who he is, before we no longer recognize him?

I took up my vocation,
I was called by my nation.
Without hesitation,
My answer I gave.
Now I am not wondering,
The things that I might have been.
No consolation,
To the forgotten brave.

~The Trews Featuring Kid Rock

Jackie’s surgery went very well. She’s been resting, at home. She’s sore, and medicated, but doing pretty good.

Our friend, Biscuit, had a stroke. He’s in the hospital. I’m going to bring the littles, and go visit him, tomorrow. He’s been working so hard to change his life around. He’s staying away from the people and places that tempt him to get back into trouble. He was baptized, just a couple weeks ago. I’m sad for him, this had to happen now. He’s real down about it. I want to go and cheer him up a little bit. Remind him we’re here for him, and he’s not alone.

Our contractors will be here, next Friday, to begin repair work on our house! I’m anxious to get all that done. I’ve been doing a lot of crafting projects, this weekend. I’m working on some Minnie Mouse/Disney themed decorations, for Pj’s bedroom. Pj loves Minnie, so I wanted to make something she would be excited about.

I took down the last of my winter and Christmas themed decor, around the house. I don’t have much for Valentine’s Day, or Saint Patrick’s Day, but I have a lot of Spring and Easter stuff. It’s cool, today, but had been pretty nice out. We’ve slept with our windows open, the last several nights. I’m definitely getting some serious “Spring fever”! We didn’t do much, this weekend. Once Jackie is back to feeling good, we’re looking for fun things to go do. There’s a concert coming up, in April, we’re trying to talk the boys into taking us to. We haven’t gotten out much, lately. I’m getting stir crazy.

I’m sitting downstairs, watching TV, now.

I went to the store, earlier. It felt good to get out, crank up my car stereo, and drive around. There’s still so much tornado damage, around us. So many homes sit empty. Piles of rubble line the ends of people’s driveways.

We also got some more crappy news, this weekend. My brother is being deployed again. He wasn’t supposed to be deployed another time. He’s done 7 deployments, already. They only got the news, Friday. He leaves in one week. I’m not sure whether he truly doesn’t know where he’s going to, or won’t say. All I know, is somewhere in the Middle East. With so much happening around the world, it’s scary. I’m angry and sad, that he has to go. We ask an incredible amount of our service men and women. They, and their families, make tremendous sacrifices. When he’s deployed, anytime my doorbell rings unexpectedly, my heart sinks. My mind races, and I wonder if this is it. Is this the day I open my door to find people standing there, waiting to tell me he won’t be coming home this time. My brother assures me, he’s okay. He insists everything is fine… I know better, though. I play along with him, as if I believe everything he’s telling me, because I know he needs us to.

~Demun Jones

Im sitting at our dining room table, watching the littles nap. The baby sleeps in her crib, in my room, but the other 2 are sleeping in the family room. I usually put the 3 year old upstairs, but Mikayla is home sick today. So, she’s staying upstairs, and we’re attempting to avoid spreading sick germs now.

I went to my doctor, yesterday. I had to load up all three of the littles into car seats, and drive into Nashville. I got an inhaler, steroids, and a cough medicine. I won’t take the cough medicine, because it makes my brain fuzzy, and I don’t like it. The inhaler and steroids are helping, though! I hadn’t had bronchitis for years, but this stupid cold or flu we had really kicked my butt.

We bought Mikayla a new car, a few weeks ago. I think I forgot to mention that. It’s just a 2014 Ford Focus, so nothing “new”. It’s a cute little car, though. Now that she’s got her own wheels again, I get to have my car back. She was pretty excited, when we brought it home for her. We did end up paying for a new car, but she has to get the plates, pay for half of her car insurance, and keep up with maintenance on it. That seems fair enough, I think?

The other night, while Adam and I were in the shower, I rolled my eyes at him. I hadn’t done it in a very long time! He was being so goofy, and I told him it’s like tickling me and insisting I don’t laugh! He smacked my butt a few times, but it didn’t really hurt. We talked about how, things said and done become serious depending on circumstances. If Adam was having a real conversation with me, and I rolled my eyes to him, that would be much worse than doing it while I’m laughing at something silly he’s said. I know we both understand these kind of things. No, I shouldn’t roll my eyes to him at all, but it wasn’t meant in a disrespectful way, and he knew that. While him being consistent matters a lot to me, I’m perfectly capable of understanding when, where, and how I’m being truly disrespectful to my husband.

Jackie is having her surgery, tomorrow! She’s super nervous, which I totally understand. Between 20 and 30 years old, I had 6 surgeries, was also put to sleep to have my wisdom teeth removed, and had 2 endoscopies and a colonoscopy done. If I never have to have another surgery, I’d be more than good with it. Surgery is scary, and it’s no fun knowing you’re going to leave the hospital hurting and feeling crappy for awhile. Jackie and Justin are coming over, this evening. We’re all just going to hang out and help her pass the time between now and tomorrow morning. We all decided, once Jackie is feeling better, we’re making plans to go out and do something. We talked about going to a local place that has ax throwing, cornhole, pool tables, and dart boards. We’re also going to plan a guitar night. It’s been awhile, since we did one of them. Now that the holidays are over, we’re all feeling anxious to get out and do some fun things again. There’s a comedian who I adore, Leeann Morgan. She’s going to be doing a show not far from us, in April. I would love to go watch! Also, once the weather gets nicer, I’m wanting to go see a Monster Jam show. I absolutely love watching those great big trucks drive around the track. I’ve never cared much for tractor pulls, but I’ve always enjoyed demolition derbies and the monster trucks.

I suppose I should go get something done, while the littles are napping. I think I’ve pretty well caught up on all the excitement happening here.

It’s been a long time living this way
Worrying what people say
Feeling like I won’t fit in
But I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
We’re looking for something more
What you’re really looking for
It’s been with you since you were born
Since you were born

You only live once
I’m good with myself
I’m there for my friends
‘Til the very end

I’m good, I’m good, I’m good, I’m good
Living life just like I should
Wouldn’t change it if I could
I’m good, I’m good, I’m good

~The Mowgli’s

What a week it’s been here in Tennessee! The kids were out of school the entire week, due to inclement weather. Adam also stayed home, all week, for the same reason. I had the littles, though. Adam got a touch of this crud I’ve been sick with, but he only felt crappy for a few days. He’s all better now. I am still coughing like crazy. My chest hurts from coughing so hard, for this long. Years ago, I actually cracked one of my ribs from having a nasty cough for several days in a row. I’m paranoid about doing that again. So far, no broken ribs though. Thank gosh. Besides the annoyance of this coughing, I don’t feel too bad.

Last night, Adam and I sat in the basement together. We binge watched a bunch of old episodes of “Roseanne”. Jackie is planning to come over, in a little bit. We’re going to craft for awhile, and just hang out. I haven’t seen her since last Friday! Between this snow and ice, and the sickness going around, we haven’t gotten to spend time together. The roads finally cleared, yesterday afternoon. There’s still some snow, in our yards, and it’s cold as hell, but at least the roads aren’t a concern.

I’m really anxious to get everybody back into our routine again. Monday, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in Nashville. I’m probably going to wind up having to bring all three of the littles along, too. If Jackie is able to work from home, she said she’d watch the 5 and 3 year olds for me, but that’s IF she’s able to work from home. I have to bring the baby with me always, because of her trachea care needs. I recently bought the littles some fun new things. I got them a play grocery cart, along with more play food and dishes. I got them a little wagon, so I can pull them around the neighborhood…if the weather finally decides to warm up again. I also just ordered a new robotic vacuum/mop, for our main floor. I had one, until a couple years ago. It quit working, and I hadn’t replaced it. I decided it would be a worthwhile investment, considering the time and energy I could save myself from having to sweep and mop daily here. It can take care of the day to day messes, leaving me with just a good deep cleaning to do once a week. Wyatt got his hair cut, this morning. I think he looks fresh and handsome, with his new hairdo. Mikayla is hanging out with her friends. It’s her day off from work, so she’s busy spending time with her friends. Adam and I talked about going to eat at the food truck she works at, tomorrow, when she’s working. It’s called Music City Gyros, and they make some darned good food! If y’all are ever in the Nashville area, it’s a great choice for eating out. You get a whole lot of food for your money, too.

I haven’t seriously been in trouble, in months. Last night, Adam was teasing me, and I slightly lifted my middle finger. I tapped it on my leg, as I playfully glared up at him. He noticed. He sat down beside me, pulled me across his lap, and gave me a few swats. Little things like that, are the closest I’ve been to getting a spanking, for a long while. The weather’s been crappy. I’m sick of being sick. All these kids are requiring a whole lot of my energy. Things are good, anyhow. I truly have no complaints. I feel so fortunate. I’m happy inside this place of contentment. I often find myself struggling with, what I call the “winter blues”, this time of year. I’m not, though. I have no need to sit and write out my troubling thoughts. I’m not plagued by emotions related to painful memories that randomly cross into my thoughts. My sister shares her location with me (as I do with her), and I’ve noticed she’s been spending the last few days with our mother. Even so, I can’t say I’m particularly bothered by it. I trust her to keep my privacy guarded from her. I don’t seem to mind the fact that she has a mom, and I don’t. I’m not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing? I just know, it’s how I feel. I’m more than happy with the family I’m surrounded by. I have all the love and support that I need. I don’t require that love come from a person who simply cannot give it to me. There are plenty of people right here, who I never have to ask to be here. They choose to be in my life. For that, I am grateful. I know I’m valuable, to the ones who share themselves with me. I matter to the people around me, and I’m satisfied in that.

Oliver (our dog) just decided it was as good a time as any to vomit on the carpeting. So, I suppose I’m done writing, for now.

~George Strait

I woke up, Saturday morning, sick as hell. I’ve had a horrible headache, body aches, sore throat, with a nasty cough. I’ve also been taking Tylenol every 6 hours, to keep the high fever down. Today, the congestion seems to have settled down into my chest. My fever has finally broken, though. Even with Tylenol, I was running temps over 102 degrees. That was absolutely miserable. I haven’t really gotten to enjoy these snow days, at home.

We did wind up with a lot of snow! Nashville actually broke records. Our average yearly snowfall totals are just over 4 inches. This storm dumped up to 9 inches in some areas! Our kids are still out of school, tomorrow, and Adam isn’t going into work. But, I will have the littles. The roads have cleared enough for us to get them here, and I’m feeling well enough. Today’s the first day I haven’t slept most of the day away, since Friday. Adam took such good care of me, though. He braved the terrible weather, to go out and get some Gatorlyte drinks for me. He and the kids cooked, and cleaned up the kitchen. I laid with my head in his lap, while he put his hand over my forehead, for hours. My head ached something fierce, and having his hand putting some pressure across my forehead helped ease that pain. I almost never wear sweatpants. I own maybe 5-6 pairs of sweatpants, most of which I’ve had for years, but that’s been my attire for several days. Right now, I’m sitting down in our basement, cozy under a blanket, watching an old movie called “Pure Country”. Mj helped me make some scrambled eggs and toast, for supper. Adam warmed up leftover chili, and Wyatt ate some leftover brats. Mikayla is over at Justin and Jackie’s place. We know they let her boyfriend sleep over there, which has been the reason she’s chosen to spend nights there, when there’s no school. I’ve been aware of this, for some time, but Adam just realized it, this weekend. He was not impressed, to say the least. He’s even a little angry at Justin, for allowing her boyfriend to sleep there. It’s tough, because Mikayla is 18 years old, now. She’s always been an incredibly responsible, hard working, driven kid. I suppose I’ve afforded her more freedom, because of that. I think it’s hard for a dad to realize he’s no longer the “man in his little girl’s life”. Adam had set up uno and monopoly games, to play with the kids, before Mikayla told us she was staying over at Justin and Jackie’s. Adam’s feelings were just hurt, since he was looking forward to spending some quality time with the kiddos on these snow days. Teenagers are very selfish creatures. They truly don’t intend to, or realize, the impact their words and actions have on their parents. I know this, because I remember being one myself, what doesn’t seem like all that long ago. As I got older, and became a parent myself, I’ve understood how much of the things I did and said, at that age, could’ve hurt my own family. I am certain that Mikayla will soon enough grow up, and see the same realizations.

I have every intention to get naked with my husband, tonight. It’s been way too long! I sure hope he doesn’t come down with whatever crud I’ve had, now. He’s been so good to me, and he’s such an amazing daddy to all of our babies. I want to love him, that way, tonight. I was recently discussing, with a friend, about the two sexiest things my husband does. One, is when I see him get angry on my behalf. When he stands up for me, even if it means a physical altercation is a possibility. The second, is when he holds a baby. Seeing the way his hands can be so intimidating, hard, and powerful, but also showing me just how gentle, kind, and loving they can be. Jordan Peterson says men should be dangerous, and learn to control it. Joe Rogan mentions about how it’s better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war. I can understand the sense in those statements. As a woman, knowing my husband is capable of being dangerous, while also being certain that will never be directed toward myself, or our children, is immeasurably attractive!

I think I’ll go make myself some of the vanilla cappuccino Adam restocked my cabinets with, for me, and finish this movie I started.

Everybody knows everybody
Everybody calls you friend
You don’t need an invitation
Oh, kick off your shoes, come on in
Yeah, we know how to work and we know how to play
We’re from the country and we like it that way

~Tracy Byrd

It seems like I say this every time I post, but it’s been another super busy couple of weeks here! We made a trip to Kansas, last week. We spent some time with Adam’s family. It was a lot of fun!

We all hung out at the shop, and played pool with some friends. Adam’s brother grilled steaks for everyone. It was so cold there, though!! It snowed, while we were there. Thankfully, it waited to seriously accumulate, until after we’d come back home.

Right after we got home, the littles (small children I look after) got here. We had them all week. By the time I got them to bed, it was time for Adam and I to shower and get ourselves to bed. I actually cried to Adam, the other night, because I felt I was neglecting our babies. I love these little people! It’s just hard to be “spread so thin”. I truly haven’t had even a moment of free time, all week long. They’re with their mama for the weekend. As soon as they left, I vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned all the bathrooms, and put away several loads of folded laundry I hadn’t gotten to yet. I put on some music, and it’s so nice to have a few moments to myself. Mj has a friend over. They’re down in the basement. Wyatt is upstairs, in his room. Mikayla is at work. Adam isn’t home from work, yet, either.

We got another crazy storm, a couple days ago. We had high winds, and it blew the roof up from our backyard shed. It also blew off even more shingles, from our roof. Thankfully, contractors will be here in the next two weeks to put on our new roof, siding, and gutters. They’re calling for possible snow on Sunday night, into Monday. It’s fixing to turn real cold here, too. To be honest, I wouldn’t be opposed to a snow day, Monday. I need to run to the store and make sure we’re stocked up on all our essentials, before the snow blows in. Once we’ve got everything we need, I say bring it on!