One day I’m gon’ finally be
Everything that I ever dreamed
So let the world try and hold me back
I keep my head up at the stars
And hustle until I get there
Cuz nothing in life, nobody in life
Is gonna steal my shine
Nothing’s gonna steal my shine

~Crucifix

Today, the sun came back out, after a long week of rain and clouds here. We did get a brief break from the rain, on Friday. I took my girls out for coffee drinks. That evening, we all played some cornhole out back. It was so much fun just spending time laughing and being silly with my family!

It started back to pouring rain, right about 11:00, but it was a great time.

Today was a typical day, here. I take B (Brooklyn, we call her B) to school and pick her up when she’s finished. She has already gotten so many high school credits, she is able to leave school at 12:45 everyday. I can’t believe there’s only a month left of this school year!

I did some cleaning and baking, today. I made banana bread and chocolate chip cookies. I also made my “famous” sloppy joes for supper. I meant to talk about it, in the video I’m posting below, but I got sidetracked. Instead, I’ll just share my recipe here, if I haven’t already? I really can’t even remember whether I’ve done that?

1.5 lbs ground beef or turkey

Minced onion

1 1/2 cups ketchup

4 Tbs worstershire sauce

4 Tbs brown sugar

Just brown the meat with onion, add other ingredients, and let simmer on low. I always serve with both hamburger buns for sandwiches, and with tortilla chips and nacho cheese sauce for making “sloppy nachos”.

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I’ll express my situation

There’s nothing ever wrong, but nothing’s ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it’s not easy to define
I’m born to indecision
There’s always something new, some path I’m supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning

~Shinedown

This post is going to be all over the place. I made a video while I prepared our supper, last week. I’d intended to share it here sooner, but life’s been life-ing, lately. We’ve had some serious flooding, over the past week. The kids have been out of school since last Wednesday, and still there’s no school tomorrow because of it. Mercifully, our home is not in one of the low lying neighborhoods that have been devastated by the flooding, but there are many families around us who haven’t been as fortunate.

Brooklyn’s senior prom was this weekend, too. We weren’t sure it would happen, because of all the flooded streets, businesses, and homes, but they did decide to go ahead with prom. She was so happy! She looked absolutely gorgeous!

Everything is a strange mixture of wonderful and terrible, joy and sadness, all at once. Everyday, I am still hurting so badly. The enormous betrayal by these people I so loved and trusted has left very deep wounds within me that I’m not sure can ever be healed. I’m certain there will be permanent scars. Ones not visible to those who only ever see the parts of myself I’m willing to share. Only a very small handful of people around me now are truly aware of these ugly and broken parts of me I so cautiously conceal. There are some who have noticed my efforts to hide pieces of myself. I have given vague explanations that are not lies, but also are not the whole truth either. I have fears that prevent me from sharing all of it. Fear that I could make myself again vulnerable, and in my mind, showing others exactly where I’m weakest is an open invitation for them to stab me in the back, too. I have fear of so horrifying others, if they were to ever see my “open and bloody wounds”, that they might mock me, judge me, or run from me. I don’t believe I’m strong enough to survive even one more injury inflicted by someone I allowed myself to care about, or trusted would care for me.

Something I do want to make clear here, is that this isn’t about forgiveness, or inability to forgive. It’s not about holding onto anger. I’m not angry. Not but rarely, anyway. My choices to remain apart from each and every person I’ve separated from are not easy for me. My decisions aren’t made because I need to punish anybody, or because I am someone who holds onto grudges. I truly don’t believe that I’m a “cold” or uncaring person. I never asked for any of this. In my worst nightmares, I still couldn’t have imagined losing so many people I cherished. I wouldn’t have believed for one moment I’d be in this position of having to say goodbye to so many who aren’t actually gone. I absolutely cannot allow myself and, most importantly, my family to be exposed to anyone I’m not certain can be trusted. And truth be told, at this point, almost no one meets that criteria. My dad, my husband, my daughters, and Adam’s family are all that’s left of those I’m confident will not betray us. I’ve never required those around me to be perfect. I’m able to overlook, forgive, and get past almost anything. I understand there are flaws within all of us. We sometimes hurt, disappoint, and let down those we love most. All I’ve ever needed for trust to exist, is genuine remorse for those mistakes, when they do happen. I just needed to know mistakes, bad judgement, any damage caused, was truly regretted and that every effort to ensure it wouldn’t happen again would be made. I’ve no faith whatsoever this can sincerely come from those who’ve so intentionally caused or contributed to the pain and the losses my family and I are still reeling from. I’m afraid there’s an inability for some people to ever really and truly accept love, which makes it impossible for them to give it, either. There are some who have been so affected by harm inflicted upon them by others, there is irreparable damage done to the place within the heart designed for love in relationships to withstand the inevitable challenges that come. I’m overwhelmed by fear that the same could or has happened to me, too. What if I’m broken, now? Am I good for the people who’ve remained so devoted to me, trusting and believing in me to care for them from that place within my own heart reserved for loving them well? Am I a bad person? Have I brought this onto myself and my family? Is it my fault? Was I blind to my own inability to be good for those I’ve loved? Is it my reckless ignorance, my refusal to accept what is instead of what I hoped could be, which has allowed the circumstances that led to this pain? I spend countless hours going over and over again every single significant moment, and I consider endless what ifs. What if I’d said this, instead? What if I’d done that, instead? I struggle often with my thoughts of all my inadequacies. If I was a better daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend…then maybe? I cannot deny the obvious faults I’ve accepted within myself, believing my best intentions could overcome the chaos made possible because of them. It doesn’t matter how well intentioned, my best just wasn’t good enough for everyone. I’ve given to those I’ve loved from the purest most authentic places of my heart, but that’s irrelevant when it comes to the fact that it clearly didn’t provide enough to sustain these relationships that so mattered to me. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, or didn’t realize it, until it was too late. That hurts real bad. The sting of all the betrayal is matched by this awareness that I’m just as liable for it, if I’m not the kind of person I thought I was.

Having said all of that, I’m doing okay. I’m okay. Well, I will be. I think I will be. I’m pretty sure, anyhow.

Mikayla was home for the weekend. She left a few hours ago. The girls and I went out for coffee, this afternoon. I took the pictures and videos of the flooding along the way.

One of my best friends I grew up with has been working to convince me to come along with her to a concert in Las Vegas, in July. I’ve been thinking about it. It would be so much fun to go to the concert with her, and to spend time with a close girl friend. We’re going to visit Adam’s family, in Kansas, over Easter. His mom is fighting this cancer valiantly. She’s incredible. Still, she’s very sick. Her battle is one we’re all aware cannot be “won”. Instead, she fights like hell to be here with us for as long as possible. Her strength is so beyond anything I could ever imagine possessing myself. It’s inspiring to see her perseverance and positivity. She has a quiet confidence, assured that it is okay and that she is okay. Her faith in God gives her comfort that sustains her always. I really should take these valuable lessons from her. Nothing shakes her faith, and nothing or no one can take her peace.

~The Jane Dear Girls

I have one more “cast member” to finally introduce, here. This past October, I had another daughter who celebrated her 18th birthday. Brooklyn Hope was born just 15 months after Mikayla. Mikayla was only 8 months old when I discovered I was having another baby. Brooklyn was barely 6 months old when their dad and I began to live our own separate lives apart from one another. Mikayla had just turned 3, and Brooklyn was soon to be 2, when I started dating Adam. I’d wound up calling Mikayla, Brooklyn, and Wyatt our “Irish triplets”. We spent all these years working to build our beautiful family, and it’s been such incredible speed with which it seems most of these pieces we’d finally sewn together have come unraveled. While I’ve always been peripherally aware the days would come, when my babies would begin to separate themselves from our home and this family Adam and I call ours so they could grow and build their own lives, I just don’t think I’m ready. Could I ever have been ready? I will readily admit it’s a jealous love I have for my children. Perhaps a selfish love? I just so deeply wanted to give them more than they’ve gotten, yet. I had all these hopes and dreams and so many plans formed with the purest of intentions. There’s too many things I haven’t done. Haven’t said. Should’ve done. Should’ve said. And, as many or maybe more things I wish I hadn’t done or said. My children’s journeys simply do not begin when I’m ready. They have, are, and will begin to take their first timid steps out into a world I cannot design or dictate for them. They’ll have their very own unique stories to write, and childhood is only one brief chapter.

My Brooklyn was due to have been born on December 28. She arrived much sooner, on October 17. She has always been a tiny yet absolutely fierce girl. She’s fought hard for her place in this world, and dammit she’s earned it. She’s been defying the odds since the moment she was created. I truly admire her strength and determination. She’s shown unbelievable courage in the face of every single challenge that’s been set before her. I simply couldn’t be more proud to have been chosen to be her mama.

It was my Brooklyn who had surgery, last week. The surgeons removed everything they deemed necessary, and then drilled holes into her “distal lateral femur”, with hope that her body will begin to repair the missing bone and cartilage that was damaged and destroyed. As always, my brave and beautiful Brooklyn has proven to be as amazing as ever. We just had the appointment to remove her stitches and staples, yesterday. She will be exclusively using her crutches to get around, for the next 5 weeks. Her orthopedic oncologist will have us go in for a repeat MRI and x-rays, on April 21, and in his words “we will go from there”. She’s been looking forward to her prom, this year, and even though she will be on crutches, she’s definitely going to be there!

I have so much more to say, but not tonight.

Wake me up when the season’s gone
‘Cause I’ve wasted all my dawns on you
So what do I do?
Oh, what I do?

I get fucked up just ’cause I’m scared
Love’s just another drug I have grown a victim to
So what do I do?
Oh, what do I do?

All is fair in love and war
So what the hell are we even fightin’ for?
I’m on your front porch beggin’ for my dawns back
Give my goddamn records and my clothes back
‘Cause I’m through
Oh, how I’m through

Give me my dawns back
Everything that dies makes its way back
I lost her last July in a heart attack
I need one small victory

~Zach Bryan

In the Fall of 2023, Jackie and I went shopping, and returned home with a whole bunch of craft supplies. We spread everything out all over our ping pong table, in the basement, and thus began what would be a regular hobby we shared. I would always tell my “Alexa” to play country music, while we painted and worked on our latest craft projects. Zach Bryan had a couple of new songs that year that we’d hear often played. I can’t listen to his music without thinking of those times, with Jackie. I don’t even listen to music when I’m crafting, anymore. I’ll put on a podcast, or find a show to put up on the TV.

I’m sitting in my basement, surrounded by my mess of wood, paint, and ribbon I used this weekend, for my latest projects. I craft by myself, now. I’ve been making a lot of Spring themed things. I’ve been using a much more neutral color palette, recently. I’d have loved to show Jackie how much better I’ve gotten at making pretty bows. I sometimes make something and think to myself, I’ll bet she’d have liked this.

One week from tomorrow will be my last day at my work. My baby’s surgery is scheduled for Wednesday the 12th of March. After several days and nights spent contemplating, weighing my options, I came to the conclusion that it’s the right thing for all of us for me to focus on taking care of my family. I am only one person, with finite hours and limited resources to give everyday. My manager has been amazing. When I talked with her about this, last week, she was super understanding and supportive. She made a point to tell me that, in two or three months, when my baby’s back to herself and our other family stuff has settled down, my job will still be there for me if I want it. Everyone at work has been great. For the majority of my time there, I intentionally avoided allowing anyone there to ever know me. It sort of became like the “Streisand Effect”, because it seemed the harder I worked at going unnoticed, the more they all paid attention to me. Although, for the most part, I did manage to keep most of myself hidden from everyone, there have been a few people I’ve shared some of myself with. I was so disinterested in forming any new friendships, but it happened anyway.

Mikayla was home, this weekend. It’s always so quiet in here, after her and Jandrel leave on Sundays. She still cries every time it’s time for her to go back to her dorm in Knoxville. She’s doing absolutely fantastic, at school, though! She’s in an aerospace engineering club, and has gotten a coveted spot as part of a team building rockets there. She’s in an accelerated masters program, and she’s already considering going for her doctorate in aerospace engineering. Besides all that, she’s also tutoring. I’m so proud of that kid!

I’d love to write more, but it’s getting late, and we’ve all got school and work in the morning. I need to go fix Adam and Mj’s lunches for tomorrow, and then get to bed. I wouldn’t mind getting naked with my husband before we drift off to sleep, either.

Goodnight y’all

Many nights I laid awake
Overdosing on pure pain
Heartbreak and a side of pills
Whiskey bottle’s still call my name
Now and then like an old friend
Lost some place against the grain
The hands of time still ticking
The winds of life keep going by
I feel that cold winter breeze
That lets me know I’m still alive
And I can’t lie, I’ve been hurt bad
I told myself don’t turn back
Gotta go and find what I’m searching for
God knows I deserve that
And sometimes I still dream
Wake up in a pool of sweat
That sun shining through the blinds
Just in time for the sunset
Still finding good in all the bad
But all the good ain’t come yet
I take a look into my daughter’s eyes
It lets me know I ain’t done yet
I’ve been running blind through the darkness
Over time became heartless
But I’m still gonna shine regardless
And if you ever doubted me
Well that’s ok just wait and see
Cause I haven’t met one single person
That could ever doubt me as much as me

I’ve been spending all this time
Tryna pick up all the pieces
Tryna walk a line and fight away all my demons
So if you stick around, so maybe you can see
One day I’ll make you proud
Right now you don’t believe me
That’s ok
I’ll probably burn every bridge along the way
But that’s ok
Cause I’m still standing here today

~Nu Breed & Jesse Howard

This afternoon, at work, I was making some phone calls. I suddenly remembered something that had happened while I made our collection calls, some two months or so ago. The man I’d called had answered the phone and immediately began to describe how he would rape me. I hung up the phone, and within a minute, our phone was ringing. I answered with our typical greeting, “Thank you for choosing [our company]. This is [Eve]. How can I help you?” A familiar voice responded, “What are you wearing, Eve?” I slammed the phone back down into its cradle, and I began to shake as a rush of adrenaline, fear, and anger washed over me. I took a break, and returned 15 minutes later to finish my phone calls. I had been working alone, that day. It wasn’t until this afternoon that I shared this incident with my manager. She looked horrified and asked me why hadn’t I said something sooner?! I didn’t have a good answer. The truth was, I’d forgotten it. All these days I’ve continued to make daily phone calls at work, and wasn’t reminded of that one. Today, it wasn’t a phone conversation, or anything you’d expect would jog a memory like this one, that brought it back to the surface in my mind. It was the sunshine pouring through the windows. The way the sun shone into my office was the spark that ignited the memory of that flame. I’m aware of how strange that must seem. Hell, I think it’s weird! My manager was flabbergasted, asking how I can just “forget” something like that. The thing of it is, that’s nothing new for me. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I’ve had stressful or traumatic memories dating back as far as my early childhood that I’ve only remembered well into adulthood. The way I describe it, it’s like being told about some amazing tacos you had at this restaurant last night. You ask if I’ve ever tried their tacos. I’m not lying when I answer, nope. So one day, you and I go to this restaurant, order their tacos, and I genuinely believe this is my first time having them. Over the next several months, we get these tacos multiple times. And then, one day, it dawns on me. I used to come to this place with my grandma! The last time we were there, [something awful happened], and we never visited that restaurant again. I can recall every detail from the last time I’d been there, with my grandma. I remember what I was wearing. I remember my grandma’s purse, and how I’d been playing with the little tassel that hung from its zipper. I remember the rain that was falling down onto us, and the puddle I’d not so accidentally splashed in as my grandma hurried me inside… All these years later, after all the times I’d gotten these tacos with you, it wasn’t until this moment I had ever remembered any of that. The sight and the smells at the restaurant, its name, their delicious tacos, none of that was the trigger that unleashed the flood of memories I’d apparently kept suppressed deep within my memory. It was the rain. It was the puddle of water I’d cautiously avoided, as I hurried inside, today. That is exactly how my brain manages to pull long forgotten memories from whatever place they’ve been hidden. That is exactly how I handle overwhelmingly stressful events. I simply “forget”, until I remember.

I’m not sure there’s a clear point I can make with all of that. It’s just something I recognized in myself, today.

I’ve been doing a lot of crafting and redecorating, lately. I’m doing my best to embrace the opportunities to make changes around me that can reflect who and where I’m at, today. I’ve really done a whole lot of things different, at home. Looking around my house, everything’s familiar, but it’s also not the way it used to be. I’m growing to be ok with that. I’m able to find beauty in what’s around me. And, if I can’t see it where I used to, I’ll repaint, or add a bow. Anything to bring the light back into the place I call home. It feels more like home, again. Like maybe I’m actually finding my way back home.

Lately I’ve been wondering

When it’s all gonna end

‘Cause I’m tired of bein’ sick and tired

And I ain’t got much more in me

I’m running outta steam

And there ain’t no sleep for the wicked

So I’ve just been doin’ me

And so far it’s safe to say

That I haven’t been doin’ so well

~Chris Hosier

As has been a reoccurring theme here, lately, there’s a whole lot of shit going on. My sweet daughter has been having some knee pain for about a year, now. A few weeks ago, she suddenly couldn’t even walk. She couldn’t bend or straighten her left knee, and she had tears pouring down her face from the pain. I brought her back to her doctor, to again search for answers about what in the hell was happening. I’d taken her into the doctor no less than five times prior, looking to find an explanation for her worsening symptoms. She had X-rays done (for the third time since this began). This time, her doctor noticed something “suspicious”. We were referred to an orthopedic surgeon. An orthopedic oncologist surgeon, to be precise. She was seen there just two days later. They did MRI scans, and this doctor was able to give us some clarity. Some. He is relatively certain he knows exactly what’s causing her problems. Mercifully, he’s confident the growth is benign, but she has an abnormal growth in the cartilage around her knee. It has actually damaged her bone, to the point she has a piece of the lower part of her femur that’s broken off and is now just floating around in her knee area. As if that isn’t painful enough, this piece of bone is sometimes getting caught up in her knee joint, and prevents her from being able to bend or straighten her knee until it finally moves again. She will be going in for some pretty serious surgery, here very soon. I’m praying she’ll only need one surgery, but he warned us that’s unlikely. It’s possible, but the odds are she’s going to end up needing to have at least one more surgery after this one. They will cut out the growth within her cartilage and bone, and remove unhealthy tissue and bone. They’ll then be placing pins in her femur, in an attempt to get new healthy bone and cartilage to grow back. She’ll be in a full leg cast for 6 weeks, and then start rehab and physical therapy. Unless she isn’t able to grow new bone and cartilage. If that’s the case, and the surgeon stressed that cartilage is notoriously difficult to repair, they’ll need to do a bone graft. That surgery would mean taking some of her pelvic bone and grafting it onto her femur bone.

Adam’s mom is going in for a lung biopsy, next week. The results will determine one of two possible paths she’ll be taking. Either they’ll begin aggressive chemotherapy, to prolong her life as much as possible, OR she’ll be sent home on palliative care, to help keep her as comfortable as possible because chemo would be ineffective and would only make her feel unwell through all her last days with us. So, this biopsy will be a huge determining factor as far as hers and all of our foreseeable future goes. We’re all planning to take her to Cancun, Mexico, this Summer. It’s on her “bucket list”, and we intend to do everything we can to make sure it happens.

I talked with my manager, at work, a couple weeks ago. At first, I’d told her I have to quit. After I realized my daughter needed an appointment with an oncologist, that was my final straw. My manager cried and told me she totally understood, and to do whatever I need to do for my baby. But, she insisted she has my back at work. She told me she loves me, and doesn’t want to lose me. I think we’ve decided that I’ll first try dropping my hours down to part time. We’ll schedule around the things I need to do for my family, and I’ve got 3 and a half weeks of vacation time, 16 hours of paid floating holiday time, plus a week and a half left of sick time I can use while my daughter recovers and when we need to go visit Adam’s mom. I know how lucky I am to have such an understanding and empathetic manager, with a job that has a flexible schedule that could allow me to be here for my family. Hopefully. Hopefully it can all work out. Maybe one of these days we can have some semblance of normality brought back into our lives, and me and my family can finally put ourselves back together again. Until then, I’ll just have to keep clinging to the rope I’ve found myself attached to, dangling precariously over an unknown abyss I’d rather not discover the inside of. Every time I ask myself, “How could things possibly get any harder?”, they do.

I am not okay
I’m barely getting by
I’m losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I’m hanging on the rails
So if I say I’m fine
Just know I learned to hide it well

I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain’t all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I’m better off
Layin’ in that dirt

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

I know one day
We’ll see the other side
The pain’ll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright

~Jelly Roll

Life’s been heavy, these last few weeks. This is so fucking hard. It’s not alright. This isn’t okay. For the life of me, I can’t understand why? When will we get to the other side of this hell? Will we even make it? And, if we do survive this, what does our life look like? What and who will be left standing?

Last Thursday, I went to parent teacher conferences. MJ’s teachers always love her. They told me many of the same things I’m used to hearing at these conferences. She’s a great student. She’s polite and respectful and kind. This time, there was a “but” after those initial comments. BUT, Mj has periods of intense and overwhelming sadness, and that concerns us. Mj and I spent time talking together, when we left her parent teacher conferences. We had a plan, and we both felt good about it. This was figure-out-able. We’ve got this. We arrived home, and were both giggling as we opened the front door and stepped inside. The moment we entered, a mixture of anxiety and sadness bombarded our senses. The air all around had suddenly grown thick with the energy and emotions that radiated from just inside our living room, where Adam was seated, and it penetrated both Mj and myself. I don’t remember making the walk over to Adam. The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of him, asking what’s going on? He told me to sit down. I dismissed his request, and gently but firmly demanded the answer to my question. He had hung up the phone, after speaking to his mom, just moments before we’d gotten home.

Adam’s mom has been going to multiple appointments, visiting many different doctors and having a variety of tests and procedures necessary to gather all possible information about her cancer. Every time she’s received the results, it’s been not good. She’s taken on every single challenge and refused to be discouraged by any obstacle she’s encountered. Until Thursday. Thursday, she had gone for a full body scan. We’d learned the size of the tumor in her breast was very very large, 2 days earlier. Her doctors had sent her for the full body scan, because the size gave them new concerns.

I’m really struggling to write what comes next, here.

Her cancer has spread within her body. They can do chemotherapy, in an attempt to prolong her life, but her cancer is terminal.

I stood in front of my husband, absolutely stunned. I couldn’t think or move, until he began to cry. He cried like I’ve never heard him cry. His wailing sobs, as his body shook uncontrollably, gave me a view of the raw, pure, unrestrained pain he was experiencing. For a moment, in the most vulnerable minutes I’ve ever witnessed my husband inside, I saw the brokenness he couldn’t hide from me. All I could do was hold him. I wrapped my arms around him and repeated over and over, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Adam didn’t stay like that for long, although I’m certain he’s merely masking his unrelenting pain, as he always does. I so wish I knew how to make things get better. If only I could. I’d do anything. I’d give my life, if that prevented my family from ever again feeling the kind of agony I see and feel from them.

I’m overwhelmed. I’m exhausted. I’m fighting like hell, anyway. My family needs me. My husband needs me to be strong for the moments he can’t. My babies need their mama.

It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright

Woke up late today and I
Still feel the sting of the pain, but I
Brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Ridin’ in the car to work and I’m
Tryin’ to ignore the hurt, so I
Turned on the radio
Stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for a minute
But then I changed it
I’m gettin’ a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger

It doesn’t happen overnight, but you
Turn around and a month’s gone by, and you
Realize you haven’t cried
I’m not givin’ you an hour or a second or another minute longer
I’m busy gettin’ stronger

I’m gettin’ along without you
I’m better off without you
How does it feel without me?
I’m gettin’ stronger without you

And I’m done thinkin’
That you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

I’m just a little bit stronger
a little bit, a little bit
A little bit stronger

~Sara Evans

I had the day off, yesterday. Today, I had early meetings, so I had to go in a couple hours sooner than usual. I left the house at 7:30, and got home from work right at 6:30 this evening. I decided tonight was a good one for a “fend” supper. Everybody heated up some leftover sloppy joes, taco lasagne, and ham and cheesy potatoes from the other suppers I made this week. I’m sitting down in my basement watching the latest episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I am off this Saturday, and we’re closed on Monday for Martin Luther King Jr Day.

Monday is also Inauguration Day. Former president Donald Trump is about to become our president once again. Honestly, I wasn’t particularly surprised he won. Americans have grown sick and tired of “the establishment” and all their bullshit. Personally, I am glad to see him surrounding himself with people like Tulsi Gabbard, Elon Musk, and I really like RFK Jr. I don’t agree with his views on everything, but I appreciate his passion and dedication to serving Americans. Same with Tulsi, and even folks like John Fetterman. It makes me hopeful that genuine people are reaching across the political aisle. It is a serious risk, with real consequences, for them. So, I respect them for it.

We got an update from Adam’s mom, last night. She has triple negative breast cancer, which is the most aggressive form to get. It has also spread to her lymph nodes. She will be getting a port put in, so her chemo can begin, next week. They will be taking lymph nodes out, to further test, too. She told us she had gone and picked out two wigs, yesterday. Her chemo will be very aggressive, and she was informed her hair will be gone by the second treatment. I so want to be able to do something to help her. I decided to buy her a Samsung galaxy smartwatch. She uses a Samsung phone, so I figured that made more sense than an Apple Watch. I thought it could maybe give her a little peace of mind. It has fall detection and SOS, as well as detailed health monitoring features. We picked out a card to send along with the watch.

It’s perfect.

I need to go take a shower, pack Adam and Mj’s lunches for tomorrow, and get to bed. I’d like to have some energy to get laid again, tonight. Last night was the first time we’ve had sex in over a week. I never would’ve believed our sex life could dwindle so much. It’s not because we don’t want to. It’s just not so easy, anymore. One or both of us is either exhausted, or emotionally drained from the chaos that clutters our minds most of the time. Anyway, I’m planning to get some tonight, so long as there’s nothing extra to mess up the little headspace I’ve cleared especially for some passion and intimacy with my husband. The kind with no clothes on. We share lots of intimacy, in plenty of other ways. I miss being able to enjoy that kind, as much and as often as we always did before, though.

I see your fire and brimstone
That billboard sign on the road
But you can’t scare me to heaven
With gasoline on my soul

This that backroad baptism
Weed smokin’, syrup sippin’
Whiskey river carry me home

I’ve been known to find my kind of people
That ain’t at home underneath church steeples
You’d be surprised the places I find Jesus
That ain’t the regular crowd

I’ve been down and out
I’m better with the lost
Than the found
My solid ground
Is better with the lost
Than the found

Lord, won’t you hear my prayers?
I’m better with the lost than the found
It’s where I find my solid ground

~Jelly Roll

This has already been a long week, and we’re only halfway through Wednesday! I got a phone call, early Monday morning, from Mj’s best friend’s family. Her best friend (T) had intentionally overdosed and was rushed to Vanderbilt hospital. She had taken a bottle of Tylenol, and it wasn’t discovered for hours. Her kidneys and her liver weren’t doing well, and we were incredibly afraid. These girls are still SO young! They haven’t even finished middle school, yet. My sweet Mj was reeling from this, and I wasn’t sure how to help her. T is actually doing much better now, physically.

Monday evening, Adam’s mom called. She was calling to update us on the latest news regarding her breast cancer diagnosis. Her doctors are very concerned, so she’s meeting with her surgeon and oncologist tomorrow. They intend to get her treatment started right away. My heart aches for T and her family, and aches for my mother in law. But, it’s torturous seeing my baby and my husband so afraid and sad. I know we aren’t supposed to, but I can’t help but ask myself why? Why does it seem like every time our broken pieces are finally starting to heal, something, or things, show up just in time to bust through the progress we believed we were making? Why won’t this onslaught of awfulness end? Why is life, or God, or karma, or whatever the fuck is behind the wheel, intent on steering us off the road we’re trying so hard to build over and over again? When will it be over? What do we do? How do we fight? Where do we go?

I’m struggling with anger that forms in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, for me. I’m frustrated, because it seems impossible to escape the hurt that plagues my family. I exert all my efforts towards helping my family get well, but it’s not enough. I can’t fix anything, because shit just won’t quit falling apart. I’m pissed off, to be back on my ass after just barely gathering the strength and courage to stand up, every fucking time. My anger grows, and fuels pure hot rage, if I can’t get it under control. I daydream about finding a cozy place. One I can be content and happy inside, and then remain there forever. If only I could draw from my memories, selecting a time when everything felt beautiful and right. I think I would be perfectly willing to trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday, if I could stay there. I wonder if that’s what Heaven is like? No worries. No regrets. No sorrow. Only prefect days and nights for eternity.

I’m not considering harming myself in any way whatsoever. Not on purpose, anyhow. Clearly, I have a problem with maintaining health and wellness. That certainly isn’t my intention, though. I want so badly to find a way out from under the dark clouds that form over us everywhere we attempt to find shelter. I sometimes wonder, is it me they’re after? Am I bringing this rain and by proxy, soaking everyone I love in it? Then, I think about what a narcissistic thought that really is. While I am responsible for my actions and reactions, I do recognize I’m not to blame for every painful situation my family and I face. As much as I probably would, if I could, I know I can’t write or rewrite anyone else’s story. Hell, I’m not even in charge of my own. I wish I could use some sort of magic pen and eraser to create all the joy and goodness I desire for those I care about, while removing every tear they’ve shed, along with all the disappointment and heartbreak they don’t deserve. All I know how to do is be there for them. I try to foster my own well being, because I know I need it to be able to give them support, encouragement, hope. I can’t waste the precious little I am able to gather inside my own “cup”, by pouring into people or things that aren’t worth it. I very much want to use my time, energy, and resources for the ones who need and value those things from me. I am failing my family, otherwise. I can’t stand to see myself let them down, because I’ve used up what I had to give, and drained my “cup” empty. Instead of crying about yesterday, or worrying myself sick over what may or may not happen tomorrow, it’s time to turn the majority of my focus on today. What do I need, today? What do they need, today? What can I do to make today better for all of us? Tomorrow, I can ask these same questions, and maybe even have answers.

What do I need, today? I need to let go of my anxiety and fears of disappointing people at my work, if I’m not there. That’s my need right now, because the next question concerning my family’s needs is easily answered. They need me. They need me to find myself again, and to be the wife and mom they’re being deprived of while I’m too busy pouring myself into a job I don’t even care about, and coming up empty for the ones I care about most.

What can I do to make today better for all of us? Fill my “cup”, and pour into my family.