First, I’m happy to report that I’ve been checking all the “to do’s” off my list this week. 🙂
I was thinking this morning about some times when I’ve spoken to Adam in a horribly disrespectful way, especially in front of other people. It’s such a mystery to even me, but there are moments when I’m saying things and I recognize they’re not appropriate or respectful, but I simply cannot, or will not, stop myself. I never think of it as a “test” for Adam or anything like that. I literally am not sorry for the things coming out of my mouth in the moment. I might be angry, or I might be attempting to convince Adam exactly why I’m right and he’s wrong and in my head I’m saying “He is so stupid sometimes. How can he not know how right I am? He knows I’m right. He is picking a fight. It’s his fault. Im not overreacting one bit.” It can literally be days before I might look back and acknowledge just how irrational and reactionary I had been in that moment. It is almost always the dumbest crap, too! Arguing over how many miles it is to somewhere. Seriously, that was one of the things I refused to back down on once in a conversation with some friends. Adam said it was X miles to somewhere and I insisted he was wrong, it’s only Y miles. It mattered absolutely zero who was right. I couldn’t just let it go, though. I look back and recognize how I belittled and disrespected my husband acting like I did. I know I was wrong to do that. And I wonder, why? Why do I still have days or moments when I absolutely cannot stop myself from being an insufferable bitch? As deeply as I desire to respect, obey, submit to Adam…I fail. I truly can’t say that I have a tight grasp on the why of it all. I think maybe I am subconsciously “testing” him? Maybe I’m just a bitch sometimes? Maybe I feel a strong desire for Adam to stand up to me, stand up for himself, to demand more respect, and to let me know that he is still in charge? Maybe deep down I want reassurance that he can and will take me away, bend me over, and spank me like the child I’m behaving like? Maybe I’m more afraid he won’t do anything? Maybe I’m wondering if he even wants to bother with me? Does he figure I’m worth it? Maybe I am alone in my desires for a husband who wishes to be the leader in his family and he’s given up? Maybe I’m too much? As I already said here, I can’t exactly say why I get those occasional moments when I have very little, if any, self restraint. I do know that the very worst thing my husband could do is to do nothing. That I’m certain of. There is something so primal and so sexy about knowing your man loves you enough to keep you inside the lines y’all have drawn together. Maybe I don’t see it at the time, but I really am just feeling out of control and desperately need for him to set me right again. I have my own insecurities like all humans do. I suspect I’m not alone here. It isn’t something talked about often, but it’s real life, at least for me it is. I sing Adam’s praises here, and he seriously is fucking amazing. But, I am definitely guilty of forgetting that every once in awhile and I wind up convincing myself again of all the reasons I can think of as to why he is not going to do a thing if I act out on my bitchy mood, because, he doesn’t really care that much anymore anyway.
5 thoughts on “Sorry, Not Sorry”
Sometimes when I find myself insisting I am right, about trivia inconsequential things, I analyze “why” also. One thing I know to be true about myself, and have learned to curb (somewhat), is the need to have reliable facts. Some of that is to look, act, and feel reliable. As opposed to being seen as a liar, bending the truth, or exaggerator. It can be proven exactly how many miles it was in one google search, so the facts should be “known.” But where I’ve learned to curb it is where the facts don’t have to be known and proven at all really when they just don’t matter, but especially not in such a way that it is embarrassing to the one who is wrong (and sometimes it proves out to be me!). Just my two cents on another possible “why”. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have read your past posts and from the way you write about Adam it’s clear that he is very able to put you across his lap and redden your behind until you express agreement to give up the behavior that got you into that vulnerable humbling and painful position in the first place.
Just within the last week he spanked your butt twice and was able to “convince” you to overcome some procrastination.
I believe every woman involved in DD has those concerns at times. May God give you His blessed peace.
LikeLiked by 2 people
For the record, I rarely use curse words in my everyday life! I do use them occasionally in my writing here, though. It’s a sort of “release” and almost like journaling my inner thoughts here. Just wanted to clarify that 😊
Sometimes we act in a certain way hoping for s strong response from our partner that will give the needed correction even tho it will hurt our bottom Sir
LikeLiked by 1 person