I wrote awhile ago about when Adam had required me to answer him with “yes sir” during a somewhat stern discussion he was having with me about my failure to get some important things done. I wrote about how those two little words created this obvious energy between us. He is in charge right now. He means it. I need to acknowledge to him that I understand that. It’s incredibly sexy. It reassures me that he’s got me and I know he is going to hold me accountable so I need to do what I’m told right now. It isn’t about being a bully. It’s about him looking out for my best interests. For our well being.
Sex also has this effect on me. Adam is in charge. He controls how, when, where he is going to pleasure himself and me. I always know that I can ask him to change position, to go slower or harder. Often, he knows what I want without a word having been spoken, and he’s happy to oblige me. It isn’t as if I don’t have any power or say in what we are doing. Ultimately though, he is the deciding factor. Even when I’m on top of him, he will grab my hips and move me himself. In bed, Adam is the boss. He’s got the final say. He deeply desires to please me. He won’t do anything to harm me. I fully trust him.
I believe that when Adam spanks me it is a very similar experience for both of us. He is much bigger and stronger than I am. Without exhausting much energy at all, he can bend me over, pull down my panties, and bring his hand (or a spoon, hairbrush, belt, whatever) down on my behind. He doesn’t have to stop until he is satisfied. Again, there is an unspoken energy happening between us that brings me back down to earth. I have no choice but to recognize that I am absolutely not in charge right now. And it’s sexy as hell to me. Even when he is upset with me, so long as he has himself under control, I feel safe. I would always much prefer this over seeing my husband lose his shit and handle me without care. As long as I know that he is saying or doing something in love, I accept it. I appreciate it. I admire him for it. I respect him.
In nearly all other areas of my life, I am in charge. I run the house. I take care of our kids, our pets. I am the “strong one” in my family most always. So many people who matter to me count on me to be the one with a clear, calm, level head. Adam is the only person who I don’t have to always be those things with. I can lean into him and count on him to be looking out for me. I crave the security that comes from having him hold me accountable. Watch out for me. Protect me. These times when he and I are showing each other that we understand our places in this moment, he is leading, I am following. They make this all real. We aren’t just playing out a fantasy. This isn’t pretend. I do have so much power in our relationship. I understand how much Adam does simply because his goal is always for me to be healthy and happy. Things he doesn’t want to do, but he does for me. If I need something, he will provide it. If I want something, he wants to give it to me. If I am wrong, he calls me on it. He is the head. I am the neck. I truly wouldn’t ever wish it to be any other way.