The Fallout

Jackie picked up a worn out ottoman from someone in the neighborhood giving it away. We used some fabric and recovered it last night so it looks brand new. We love to repurpose old things and make them beautiful. Sometimes, sell them and make some money. Sometimes, keep things for ourselves. That’s what we were doing last night in the kitchen when Adam got home. I had enchiladas in the oven and they only had about 5 minutes left. Adam came in and told me “hi boo” and kissed my forehead. We talked about the ottoman we had done and he complimented us on it. Supper was ready so I made up the kids plates and then Jackie and Adam filled theirs. Everybody sat at the table, except for me. I couldn’t eat. When everyone was finished eating, I cleaned the dishes and busied myself in the kitchen. Adam walked in and told me to come with him. I said “I don’t think I want to do that”. He used his man voice and calmly, but sternly told me to get in there, as he pointed to our bedroom. Then he asked Jackie to take the kids out back for a little while. My heart was racing as I walked past him into our bedroom and he shut the door. He asked me to sit down on the bed and I shook my head no. I got the look from him as he repeated himself. He wasn’t asking this time. He was giving an order. I was expecting him to sit down beside me so he could pull me over his lap, but instead, he stood in front of me. He began with the lecture. I honestly can’t remember exactly what he started with, but I know I got asked a lot of questions like “Why are we here?” and “What did I tell you would happen?” I really plead my case, too. I kept repeating to him that I never ever imagined this would be something that “broke the rubber band”! I didn’t think he would care. I honestly thought I was being funny texting him that I’d bought myself something and then telling him it was only a payday candy bar. When five minutes went by without another text from him, I asked him if that made him mad?? I didn’t dream that it would. He told me this is the problem. I don’t take him seriously. He wasn’t exactly happy that I couldn’t understand why it upset him today. He’s been too relaxed and he’s not doing that anymore. We have a walk in closet in our bathroom and he disappeared into it. I started to cry and begged him “Adam, no. Please? You’re scaring me now.” From the closet, he softly replied “I’m not going to scare you. I’m going to help you”. I argued, “I believe you Adam! I understand!” as he walked out, through our bathroom, toward me.

I had seriously considered hiding all of the belts. I even pulled them from the closet a couple of times and then returned them because I was afraid that if he wasn’t going to use one of those bastards, he would if I hid them. I imagined he would see it as being even more disrespectful. Also, I canceled the dish towels I’d ordered even before Adam got home because I figured if a candy bar caused all this, dish towels might be a real bad idea right now. I don’t think I have ever taken my husband more seriously before. I can almost always talk my way out of trouble. Some of the time, I don’t even think I am in the wrong. I tried everything before he got home. I was sweet. I argued my point of view. I even got angry toward the end, when I knew he would be home any minute. My emotions were all over the place. I felt shock, fear, confusion, sadness, anger. I also felt proud of Adam. I do want him to be able to stand up to me. I respect him when he stays calm and I am assured that he still loves me, even right now. He text me and called me “hunny” in one of his messages in our back and forth all day. That simple word included in a text from him told me that, even though he’s upset, he loves me. I’m still his Boo, Hunny, Baby… I feel more safe and loved than ever. I know he isn’t going to hurt me. At least, he isn’t going to hurt my heart. He isn’t going to say anything that damages the trust I have in him. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t going low and being cruel with the words he’s saying. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t backing down, either. There’s an older country song that goes “Daddy’s hands weren’t always gentle, but I’ve come to understand that there was always love in daddy’s hands”. I like to think that is Adam, too. Maybe he is upset, but it’s not about taking out his anger on me. It’s about standing firm and never letting me down. Never giving me any doubt that there is love in everything he’s saying and doing. That gives me a security that I can’t describe in words. It means everything to me. I went to sleep in his arms, like any other night. I had a renewed appreciation for my husband. I woke up this morning with a real sense of respect for him. I want to obey. Not just because he can and will pull me over his lap and spank me til I’m sorry! I’d rather not experience that feeling again. At least, not today. But, I also genuinely want to show him that I believe him, and I believe in him. I trust that he means what he is saying. I respect him. I love him forever and a day.