It can be hard to reconcile the juxtaposition that is me. I am mighty. I have a whole lot of fight in me. I have felt helpless and alone and afraid. I have clawed and fought my way out of tough places. I have managed to make something of myself, all by myself. Then, I met Adam. Somehow, without my even realizing it was happening, he managed to become someone I couldn’t imagine living without. He has spent years figuring me out, and continues to do so. Hell, I don’t know what it is that I need sometimes. It isn’t always easy for me to let go of the fighter in me. She comes out sometimes. That isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Only Adam can ever quell her, though. I can sink my teeth in and refuse to let go. Why? Your guess is as good as mine! I regret it when I’ve done it to Adam, and especially when I’ve succeeded. I can get a feeling of euphoria at first. Pride in myself, that I am still strong enough. It probably seems evil and manipulative. I don’t intend it to be like that. I absolutely hate to hurt my husband. I suppose, sometimes, the little girl who couldn’t ever stand up for herself comes out fighting mad. It’s both terrifying and intensely freeing to be able to step back and allow my husband to lead. To be my safe place. It’s never that I don’t trust him. I don’t think so, anyway? I think it’s more about feeling like I have to prove something to myself. To prove that, if he leaves me, I can still find myself. What if… What if I turn into my mother one day? What if I do or say something so awful that he does give up on me? You’d think those fears would encourage me to never do or say ridiculous crap. Nope. I’m a hot mess. I think I can best explain it that, when I’m completely confident that he has got this, that is my happy place. When that confidence waivers, I haul ass in the other direction. Not always. Not even usually. Sometimes. Sometimes I do that. I start to think maybe he’s not going to be able to handle my shit, so I “bail”.
I am recognizing that this is a me problem. One I need to work on. I can be motivated so strongly by doubt and fear. I feel great when I park my butt in the passenger seat and allow my husband to drive. Yet, when doubt and fear creep in, I tell myself I need to be able to control the wheel in case he can’t or won’t anymore. The “what if” mentality takes over. What if I let go so fully that I forget how to even drive? It is not all that easy for a strong woman to give in. I worked for years to build my own strength up. It’s almost as if I feel I need to keep doing some “heavy lifting” so that I retain the muscles it takes if I no longer have someone else to help me. I don’t know if this will make sense to anybody but me here? I’ve been reflecting and once again, coming to a better understanding of myself. I’m recognizing where I’m flawed and how it affects my relationship. I’m pondering ways that I can improve and grow.