Integrity

The last few days, I have found myself twice in situations where I had to decide between the raw and honest truth, or to do what Adam calls “side step” the truth. I never flat out lie to him. I choose my words carefully. For example, he wanted me to call a company who’s doing some work on our house to make sure they bill my new debit card instead of trying to pull it from my recently expired one. It just so happened that this company had someone stop by to do some measuring and stuff that very afternoon. I didn’t think I needed to call their office because I could look back and see the most recent bill paid was from my new card, so there should be no reason for worry. When Adam got home and asked me about this, I told him “I spoke to someone from the company today. There should be no issues when they pull the next bill at the end of the month.” Every word I said was truth. However, I knew he would assume that meant I’d called them. He told me “great job, boo”. I immediately followed him into our bedroom and told him the entire truth. He wasn’t thrilled that I’d “side stepped”, but he appreciated that I’d come clean right away and I showed him where they’ve already taken from my new debit card. I assured him that, if there was any problem, I would call them right away. I’ll watch to make sure they get paid by the end of this month. He smacked my butt a few times, but he wasn’t particularly angry with me. I can see in his face, hear in his voice, and feel on my behind when he’s being serious. He appreciates when I come clean, even if he might not like what I have to say. When I’m sincere and genuinely sorry, he never gets angry or disappointed in me like he will when he finds out that I’ve lied or disobeyed him and continue my attempts to hide it from him. If he discovers I’ve done that, the look on his face of hurt and disappointment, the way his voice changes to what the kids call his “dad voice”, and most definitely the seriousness I can feel when his hand, belt, wooden spoon, get brought down on my behind, are obviously different. I only get those type of spankings a handful of times a year. Last week, when he caught me in a lie, was one of those times. Last night, when I came to him and explained about the billing concern he had, was not one of those times. I know that he wants me to always come to him. I know that, when I do, he is never deeply disappointed, hurt, or angry with me. I know that we can talk about it, he might swat my butt a few times, and then we can go on with our day or night. When it’s one of those rare, serious punishments, I’m not going to be having any fun for the rest of the day or evening. Last night, we talked and he swatted my butt, and then we went downstairs to the patio and listened to music while we chatted with some friends. Everything was good. I much prefer this.

I really am trying to remember all of this. It is almost like instinct for me to automatically “side step” the truth if I think he won’t like it. It’s something I need to work harder on. His trust in me is so very important to me. He does know that I can’t look at him and lie. I won’t ever just make up a story to him. My issue is that I often find a way to tell the truth, without telling the whole truth. I know that’s still dishonest. I realize it’s not acceptable and why. I’m proud of myself for, at least, catching myself quickly and telling on myself, though. He sees that I’m putting more effort into this, and he appreciates that. He’s patient with me. He’s not mean to me, even when I’ve done something awful. I think he struggles sometimes with whether or how much to punish me because he doesn’t want me to conceal things next time because I’m afraid of what he’ll do. He’s teaching me that it’s always much better to show integrity and just tell the damn truth.