To Tell, or Not to Tell

This is what started the ball to rolling, yesterday. Then, he walked inside after work, and gave me a grin and a kiss and told me “thank you for doing all that today, boo”. Well, how the heck am I going to say anything then?! This is how minor issues become major problems. Stupid, ridiculous crap. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, at the time. I like to hear him tell me “great job”. I really enjoy an evening with him when there’s not one damn thing he’s telling me to make sure I get done. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about crap. Maybe it’s purely selfish? I don’t know. It’s the honest truth, though. I don’t want him to be serious with his damn belt! I absolutely hate to hear him tell me he’s disappointed in me. My God, it’s the worst. I know all of these things, but still feel it’s easier to “sidestep” the truth to him sometimes. Always with stuff that, in the grand scheme of stuff, doesn’t matter. I’ve got to knock this shit off. I should think before I open my mouth (or send a text). I need to stop assuming it won’t matter. It always matters. Clearly, this is something that I recognize isn’t good, or right. Obviously, this is something that Adam has spent time recently trying to get me to figure out. I’m stubborn as hell. I’m still fighting him, even though I know it’s the best thing for him to hold my “feet to the fire”. Even though I understand he’s trying to help me. I don’t think of it as testing him or pushing his buttons. I honestly figure I’m going to get away with it when I “sidestep” something. Because IF it does come up later, I always have the option to say “well, I did get shit figured out. I just didn’t tell you I have more shit to do now, too”. I do not even consider that this might end up bad for me. I seriously need to get it through my thick skull that Adam means it, and he means it always. Not just when I tell him to, or when I want him to. He’s serious, regardless of whether or not I feel like he should be. I’ve gotten away with so much crap using my incredible argumentative skills. I’m either a genius or an idiot, because I have talked so much with Adam that, at this point, he’s aware of every move I’m about to make in an argument, before I even say it. He’s got the “floor plans” of my brain.

I haven’t said anything to him. At least, not yet. I don’t really feel like being in trouble today. I don’t know if I can handle the guilt, though?

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