I kind of, sort of, totally did it again. Now, I’m struggling with what I’m going to do about it. I forgot a damn paper the doctor needs to sign for the school yesterday, and I didn’t get everything I needed on immunization records yet, because we have to do a follow up appointment. It’s a long, boring story, but it ends with me not, in fact, having all this shit done. Adam text and asked if I got this done. I replied, “I’ve got my shit figured out”. Technically, this is true. I know what to do. Adam would probably disagree with how “honest” I was with this reply, though. I know for a fact he would call this “sidestepping”.
I don’t know whyyy I didn’t just explain all this to him yesterday? I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t gotten everything I needed. On the way home, a car in front of me, on the interstate, threw up a big rock from their tires and it cracked my darned windshield. I called insurance right away when I was back home. I handled that. Already have someone coming to replace my windshield tomorrow morning. I had gone into the doctor. Took almost an entire morning and afternoon to do it. I felt good about how much I had gotten done! Maybe I wanted Adam to be proud of me? I swear, it’s like instinct for me to find a way to tell him the truth, without telling the whole truth. At least, it is when it comes to crap like this. I don’t quite know how I’m going to get out of this now. I have to fax a document to the doctor for signature, which requires me sending it with Adam to work. I have to make, yet another, appointment, which is going to be hard to do without him wondering why!
He was suspicious last night. Or maybe I was just giving off my own suspicious vibes that he picked up on? I had an opportunity to tell him what was up in the shower, but I didn’t. He asked me if there was something I wasn’t telling him. I turned around like I was rinsing my face in the water, and I told him “nope”. There may be no way to argue that that wasn’t a whole ass lie, either. So, my hole is dug even deeper. And why?! Why am I so stupid with stupid crap he wouldn’t have gotten upset with me about? I can’t explain my reasoning, because it’s plain stupid. I have got to stop doing this shit! I should’ve, at least, come clean right away last night. I didn’t want to disappoint him. So, I lied to him, making future disappointment that much bigger. Stupid.
I’m literally shaking writing this down here. It seems so much worse when I spell it out like this. Like, fuck I told him a whole ass, plain and simple, no doubt about it, lie. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t ever do that when it’s big stuff. I can’t hold it in, even if I wanted to! Dumb crap like this, though…it’s so easy to convince myself it isn’t a big deal in the moment. Then, I wind up making things so much worse so that I’m at the point where it’s become a big thing. Now I’m to the point where I can’t hold it back anymore. I want him to believe me that I wouldn’t lie to him about important things. This shit isn’t helping me out, though.
I don’t know how mad he’s going to be, but I know it’s not good. I know he would be unbelievably pissed if he found out I did this before I could explain for myself. I know the right thing to do is to come clean before I dig this hole any deeper. I know I have got to learn to stop automatically “sidestepping” the truth when it’s something I don’t want to deal with. I didn’t realize I have been doing this so much until he started calling me out on it. I get it. The little shit, over time, makes it easier to cover up the big stuff later. You can’t tell a half truth, then a lie, and then not wind up telling bigger lies to keep up with the stupid half truth. I didn’t want to admit to him that I’d done that, again. So, now I’m here. Contemplating the best way to tell the truth and save my ass.
2 thoughts on ““Sidestepping” the Truth”
Eve, Eve, will you never stop telling white lies, they only get you in more trouble and then Adam will have to take corrective measures on your bottom, well, maybe subconsciously you want that, you do not need it because Adam loves tremendously. Maybe you crave his attention to your bottom more than you realize. Be a good girl, wife & mother and always tell the truth, no more side-stepping. Sir
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Believe me, I do not like to push him that far. I much prefer a silly, fun loving evening with him over being in real trouble. It’s easier to just handle stupid stuff myself. Sometimes, I figure I don’t NEED or want him to be on my butt about something that needs done. I can handle it. If I say something, he’ll ask me about it until it’s done. He’s so happy with me when I can tell him I’ve handled something. Even the call to car insurance. I wouldn’t have done that until recently. I seriously struggled with calling or speaking to strangers by myself. It’s fine if I’m with someone, but it’s an issue I’ve had to work on for years. I wanted to have a good evening. He was in such a good mood. If I’d have told him right away, it wouldn’t have mattered that much. Yea, he’d be asking me about it until it’s done, but not upset. I blew that. Then, I hated to ruin the playful, light hearted time we were spending together. I haven’t said anything to him about it all. I’ve been working to fix this stuff quietly so that he doesn’t even have to know. Or, at least, not until I can tell him I’ve handled it all and it’s fine. Shit like this never became an issue the last several years! He’d roll his eyes and let it go. I’m discovering how easy it had become to avoid things with him. Things that bother him like crazy that didn’t used to matter that much. Or, at least, he didn’t seem that bothered. I have big ol question marks when it comes to stuff because I can’t seem to figure out that he isn’t going to let my shit slide. I also sometimes just want to deal with crap on MY own time instead of “when Adam says”. Kind of selfish, but the truth…