Truths

I finally got to sleep good last night! I was able to sleep on my side and my back, which is how I most often get comfortable. Yesterday afternoon, I realized my behind was feeling much better. I still feel it, where his hands landed, but not in such an “ouch” kind of way.

I told Adam that I had written on here yesterday, but I didn’t want to send it to him. I wanted to read it to him when he was home. I wanted him to hear from my mouth how I was feeling. I hoped he would see that I understand what he was trying to tell me. When I read out loud to him, there were a couple of places I started to fight not to cry. Reading him how sorry I was that he had to be so “hard” to get my compliance, and how awful I feel about that. Also, reading out loud about sincerely not ever wanting to become like my mother. The only objection he had was when I read the part I’d written where I said that I didn’t think I fought him too much when he was undoing my jeans and pulling them down. Apparently, I was attempting to thwart his attempts, although I, clearly, was not successful. I honestly do not remember putting up a fight! My memory gets hazy when I’m thinking back to something that was difficult for me to get through. Adam pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me after I finished reading to him what I’d written. I think it helps for me to show him that I really do care about what he’s trying to teach me and about how he feels when I refuse to learn from previous “lessons”.

Today is Friday. I’m throwing my sister’s baby shower for her here tomorrow. My baby niece is due next month! Our daughter, Mj, is going to have a cousin who will be called Pj for short. She thinks that’s so cool 🙂 Paisley Jean will be her full name. In the southern parts of the US, double names are very common. Most of my friends have them. Jackie does, too. Me? I’ve only got one. Although, I have a shortened version that I get called by certain family members only. Adam has a cutesy, longer version of his name with a “y” added at the end that only myself and my family can call him. Think like, “Addy”. It’s like that. We very rarely call each other by our actual names, come to think of it! I’m not sure why I didn’t want to use our real names when I started this. I guess it was another way for me to keep this blog “private”, so that I could always write freely without worry that someone would figure out who I was, or who my family is. Our dogs names really are “Oliver” (pit/lab mix) and “Diesel” (miniature Australian shepherd). Diesel just turned 9 years old last month. Oliver turned 1 year old in March of this year. I was telling Adam, last night, about how I never write things just for entertainment purposes here. It’s always my real thoughts, my real story. I didn’t talk about stuff with my mother until recently, but I wasn’t ready to. Other than our names, everything is just me and my life. Sometimes it’s pretty boring. Sometimes, too much lately, I’m writing about trouble I’ve found. I don’t do it on purpose, though. I definitely have done things to push Adam’s buttons. To maybe test the waters, but I haven’t done so much of that in awhile. There’s a very big difference between a half hearted, knock it off “or else” spanking where we can both smile and go on with our day, versus the “I’m so disappointed in you”, pained look in his eyes, serious, hurts like hell spanking. I don’t ever seek those out. I find myself feeling sorry for Adam, even as I’m getting my butt whipped, because I know that it’s my fault. I can see that this hurts him. I understand that it isn’t easy or fun for him, either. I’d like to avoid another one of those for as long as possible. I’d say for forever, but that’s not exactly realistic. I won’t make promises that I’m not certain I can keep. When Adam asks me to tell him that I’ll never do this again, I can promise that I don’t want to. I can promise that I will try harder not to. I can promise that I will fess up to him if it happens again. I can’t promise that I won’t fuck up again, unfortunately.

I still have a lingering reminder in my behind telling me what not to do. I also have a serious reminder placed on my conscience, because I don’t want to hurt Adam again. I’m so glad I started this blog. It does me good to look back and see where I’ve grown, where I’ve failed, and remember how it feels when I’ve done something really great, or awful. It’s such a blessing to have found this outlet and gotten this much out of it. Life is pretty darned awesome, for me, overall. My gosh, I’m so unbelievably grateful for Adam.