Forgiveness

That last one was from the last night we spent in our old house, before we moved here to our new one. I had an emotional moment.

It was hard to choose from the plethora of photos I have with Jackie. Adam is my number 1. But, Jackie is my person. She’s who I go to when I need advice. She’s been with me through even more than Adam has. She took me to the hospital when I was in labor with my daughter. When I say she’s my best friend, I don’t mean that lightly. She is so important to me. I can’t imagine what I would do if she wasn’t in my life anymore. After Adam and my babies, she’s it. I love my Dad, my brother, my sister. I have some great other friends. But, Jackie is the only person who knows all of me, besides Adam, of course. We aren’t shy. There’s literally nothing off limits. You don’t find that kind of friendship everyday. It’s a once in a lifetime type of thing. She means the world to me. I would never just toss that away. It broke my heart to think that my trust could have been betrayed, even in a relatively small way. I know I can be reactive if certain “buttons” are pressed. I don’t believe I was wrong for feeling the way I did. I’m just beyond grateful that Jackie understands what she did and was willing to acknowledge it. My mother never apologized to me. Not once. She would blow up and scream and hit. I would hide somewhere. Eventually, she would act as if nothing was wrong. I would just go with it. That’s not something I’m capable of doing, anymore. I won’t push my upset “under the rug” and pretend it didn’t happen.

Adam isn’t as forgiving, to most people. He is still upset with Jackie. It’s making it difficult, because she can feel the tension when he’s in the room. Adam and I had a conversation about this, yesterday. I explained that I truly can forgive. When anyone who’s hurt me comes to me and sincerely apologizes, there’s nothing I can’t forgive. There is absolutely nothing that’s been done to me, by anyone, I couldn’t forgive. Adam told me that he admires that part of me. He said that I have such a big heart, and that makes it hard for him to let go of things that hurt me. He said that he’s become “much less of a dick, being with me, but he’s got no problem cutting out people who hurt his family”. I suspect he’s much more protective as a result of the things he watched my mother do to me. I understand he feels like he needs to “have my back”, and worries that I will end up back in that deep “hole” I was in until the last several months. I so wish he would let this incident go, though. I’m hoping time will soften his heart. He isn’t upset with me for mending things with Jackie. He’s just being…Adam. I love him so much for always looking out for me! I need my husband and my best friend to be friends again.

It’s always so foreign to me, when I see this side of Adam. He’s never directed it toward me. I get rare glimpses into this part of my husband. Even angry Adam is always careful and considerate of me and my feelings. Angry Adam is not like that, with anyone else. Our kids, of course, but outside of his immediate family, he’s kind of scary. I’M not afraid of him. I’ve seen the scars on his knuckles from his younger, wild, “don’t give a shit” days. I’ve seen him put some people in their places. I’ve overheard him chewing out someone at work. He pocket dialed me once, while he was at work, and holy moly… He hasn’t yelled at Jackie, or been cruel. He just isn’t willing to be very nice to her. That’s hard for me to see.

I asked Adam what I could do to him that would be unforgivable? He told me two things. Number 1, hurt our babies. Which, he knows, I’d never do. Number 2, cheat on him. Which, I’d never do. He repeated the question back to me. I agreed about hurting our kids. That’s my dealbreaker. I explained that, it would absolutely devastate me, if he cheated on me. It is hard to put this into the right words, but forgiveness would depend on whether he was sorry. I am not suggesting that it’s okay to cheat! It would be heartbreaking if he did that, and then deeply regretted it, apologized, worked with me to build trust again. It would crush my soul, if he cheated and wasn’t even remorseful. That’s the most important part, to me, when someone hurts me. Do you love me enough to hate that you hurt me? Do you love me enough to put in the work required to rebuild what you’ve damaged or destroyed? I told him that he could, literally, stab me in the heart, and the thing I would want most, would be for him to hold me and help me and be genuinely, sorry. That doesn’t mean things would just “go back to normal”. I desperately want the people I love, to love me like that, too. Maybe I’m wired differently than most? Maybe it seems stupid? It is how I feel, though.