Wednesday, while I was waiting for Adam to get home, and stressing what was going to happen, I’d been texting Jackie. This was from the same conversation, that afternoon.
We didn’t talk about it, after my trip to “Adam’s office”, that night. She text me Thursday morning, to ask if everything was alright.
Thank God for my best friend! It’s pretty great having someone (other than Adam, of course) that I can talk to, who knows everything, don’t judge, and just supports me. We talked, last night. I explained that, had I simply said yes sir, on Tuesday, when Adam told me he wanted me to tell him about something, even if I don’t think I need to, Wednesday night could’ve been very different. I told Jackie, he’s not a “dick”. I don’t ever want her to think he’s mean to me. I even explained to her about how he’ll stop anything he’s doing, no matter how angry he might be, if I tell him, Adam, I’m scared. He’s never trying to hurt me. He’s helping me, and us, as a couple. If he knows that something would harm, rather than help, he will never do it. The “goal” is to make things better, not bad. I have plenty of “quirks”. Things that seem innocuous, to most folks, can be traumatizing, for me. If Adam is holding me down, my thoughts can sometimes go to a bad place. I feel like I can’t breathe. Almost as if I’m dying. It’s complete panic. He knows this. He’s always paying attention. Making sure that I’m ok, even if he’s angry. Jackie knows that Adam loves me. I just wanted to reiterate that, he is never harming me. I’m okay. ❤️
My son had a great time, at his construction contest! He got third place. He told me all about it, the whole way home. He was sooo excited! He’s got a wrestling meet, on Saturday. Then, Jackie, Adam, and I are going to the bar that our friend plays at. I’m going to get up and sing “back up” for a few songs, too. Busy Saturday, but should be lots of fun!
Adam and I had a really good talk, last night. It’s so crazy how different our brains work. The way I think, I don’t want to know about every little thing Adam had to deal with, everyday. It would drive me nuts if he came home and unloaded on me with every single piece of crap he had to handle. Of course, I want to know the important things! Of course, I want to be here for him, when things are stressful. But, I do not need, or want, my husband coming home everyday, and telling me about all the bullshit he had to worry about. For me, it’s exhausting. I love that he comes in the door, every single night, and he’s the same Adam. He leaves his troubles at work. So, to me, it feels like the right thing to do, to not ask him to carry the weight of all the troubles that I have to deal with, at home. The important things, sure! Things I’ve got handled, that seems like the kind of stuff I shouldn’t put on him. I feel protected, loved, when he leaves the little worries at work. I feel like I’m protecting my husband, when I do the same for him. It isn’t the easiest thing for me to rewire my brain so that I can tell him about everything, and not feel like that’s a bad thing to do to him. It was very helpful to talk that through, with Adam. I understand what he’s asking me to do. He understands why that isn’t always easy for me to do. Why it feels wrong, to me. I will work on it.