Truth Be Told

Lie number one you’re supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you’re doing
Just smile and tell them, “Never better”

Lie number 2 everybody’s life is perfect, except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine but I’m not
I’m broken
And when it’s out of control I say it’s under control but it’s not
And you know it
I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There’s no failure, no fall
There’s no sin you don’t already know
So let the truth be told

~Matthew West

We went to Poppy’s house, last night. My sister, Jackie, and me. He was so cute. I tried to help him peel the potatoes. He told me to sit down, relax, and let him serve us. He plated all our food, and brought it to us. He buttered our corn on the cob, put salt and pepper on our potatoes. He even cut our grilled chicken into slices. My dad is just the sweetest human. We sat out on his porch, talked, and laughed. It was a great evening.

I’ve known, for a few months, that my sister has let our mother back into her life. I know she visited our mother, back in December. I know that they are “friends”, on social media. Just because I don’t use Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, doesn’t mean I don’t have friends who do. They have asked me about some things they’ve seen. Our mother has sent some hateful messages, to our dad, too. She likes to do her best to hurt us, by throwing in our face, that she has my sister back under her “spell”. Although my sister knows what our mother has done, while we’ve been adults, she has no idea the extent of her cruelty. My sister had a very different childhood, from my brother and I. Our mother always treated my sister better. My sister never was hit. She was always allowed to receive affection from our dad, and our mother gave it freely to her, as well. I begged to get my belly button pierced, when I was 15 years old. My mother wouldn’t allow it. When my sister turned 15, our mother took her to get her belly button pierced. That seems like a small thing, but it’s one example of many times she sent the clear message to me, I love your sister more, and I enjoy hurting you. She never supported me when I did cheer, or ran track, or played volleyball. She didn’t wear the pins the school gave parents, with my sports pictures on them. She wasn’t there, when I received academic awards. Not once, did she tell me I did a good job. She never missed my sister’s things. My brother was treated worse than I was. Our dad was the only person who gave us unconditional love. He just wasn’t home, to see our life very often, when we were kids.

I’ve never blamed my sister, for her childhood. I’ve never been angry with her, about the things I didn’t get from our mother. She doesn’t even know so much of these things that my brother and I do. I’m worried, for her. I’m afraid she’s going to get hurt. I’m sure of it, actually. I can’t tell her what to do, though. I can’t describe how uncomfortable it makes me, knowing our mother will be so near, this coming weekend. I’m terrified she’ll show up, at my door. I will have to make certain all doors and windows are locked. I will have to keep a very watchful eye on my children. It’s a stress I didn’t imagine myself having to experience again.

I wish my mother dead. I’m aware of how awful, and unchristian that makes me. It’s the truth, anyway. My ultimate wish, would be for her to be truly sorry, and to be the mother I’ve dreamt she could be. But, that’s not ever going to happen. I understand this, all too well. My only other hope, could be that she didn’t exist. That way, she couldn’t hurt us anymore. She wouldn’t be able to use my sister. My baby niece wouldn’t have to know a “grandma” who’s incapable of ever truly loving her. I’m not sure I can describe the way I feel. It isn’t anger. It’s not hate. I wouldn’t call it sadness, exactly. I want nothing from my mother. I want to enjoy the people who matter. I want to trust that those who care about me today, will care tomorrow. I want to feel safe.

6 thoughts on “Truth Be Told

  1. Does it make you unchristian?
    My godmother told me some things when I was younger that’ve really stuck with me. Once she said death is a mercy because it stops us from sinning against God and each other. Not that we all ought to die sooner than God determines, but His allowing us to die is actually merciful because it makes the suffering we cause each other to be finite. You obviously would prefer her to change. It’s okay to acknowledge there’s no way you see that being a possibility. That’s just being practical. It doesn’t stop your mother from choosing to change either…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am also so sorry you have such an unhappy and unloving relationship with your mother. Usually the mother is the closest and most important caregiver, and for girls, our first role model. It is so sad that you didn’t have that in your life. We can’t really know why parents have different sorts of relationships with each of their children. Sometimes it results from experience in parenting (hopefully we get better as we know more) addiction issues, being unhappy in our own personal relationships, all sorts of things. Often our parenting gets better when we know more about how to do it, we are in second or more marriages that are more supportive financially and emotionally or that we have dealt with our own problems and issues. Clearly your sister has had a very different experience of your mother and hopefully she has got or will get the sort of relationship you would have liked. She is an adult and I hear your worry and love for her but she has to make her own choices and mistakes. You can only be her loving sister. It sounds like you have an amazing mother in law and now you have the extra room at home, she may be able to be more physically part of your family. Holding onto your hurt, no matter how justified is likely to only bring you pain and maybe impact on the joy, love and enormous care that you clearly mother your own children with.
    You have set such good boundaries to keep you and your family safe. Hopefully they stay in place this weekend. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your supportive comment! I do have a wonderful mother in law. Both Adam and I have such great relationships with the in laws we’ve given one another. Adam’s dad passed away, years ago. He is close to my dad. I think I talk to Adam’s mom, on the phone, much more often than he does! That is a huge blessing, having extended family who we can always count on.


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