Some Girls

Sometimes some girls make it easy on you. Some girls never do…

Jameson Rodgers

Yesterday afternoon, Jackie came over. It was a beautiful, sunny day. We sat outside, and waited for Justin and Adam to get off work. Our new TV had arrived, and I had a few other projects for the boys. They got everything finished, downstairs, and it looks great!

I made a big batch of sloppy joes. We all ate supper, and went out to the patio. Everybody sat out and bullshitted. At 9:00pm, it was time to get the kids to bed, and get Adam and my shower done. Justin and Jackie left. We put kids to bed, and then it was just Adam and me time. I read him my blog post, from both yesterday, and the day before. I felt like explaining my thoughts, from the day he’d messed with our thermostat, would help to give him more of my own perspective. He listened intently, and told me that all made sense, to him. We talked about how he could more easily let me know, when he’s really serious about things. Adam almost never calls me by my name. If he texts or says it out loud, I know he means business. I explained this, and Adam recognized that could be a good way to distinguish between teasing me, versus signaling his seriousness, in any situation. I could tell he’s been pondering over things, and genuinely wanting to prevent another night like the one we’d just experienced.

Adam melts, when I get upset. If I cry, he immediately softens, and wants to understand. If I get angry, and I defy him blatantly, it shakes his confidence. I truly haven’t ever abused this knowledge. I hate crying in front of anyone. I get frustrated with my weak ass self, when I cry! One thing my mama taught me, was to never let them see you cry. If she was angry, and I showed that kind of weakness, it only meant I had shown her exactly how to hurt me most. It gives a perfect insight, into what can be done or said to hurt me. It’s a strange thing, how I can know my tears are actually a weakness, for Adam. But, I can’t untrain my body and brain, from remembering don’t show weakness. The boyfriend I left home for, at 17 years old, was the same as my mom. If he hurt me, and I cried about it, he’d only get angrier. So, I never whip up any “fake tears”, for sympathy. Sometimes, I simply cannot stop them, though. “Puffing up my chest”, and acting “hard” and tough, that is much easier for me to do, when I’m upset. If I’m feeling hurt, or threatened, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they’ve succeeded in doing so. All 5’2” tall, 92 pound me, will step to anyone, if I feel backed into a corner. I honestly realize, Adam knows this too. He understands me on such a deep level. More than anyone, except for maybe Jackie. He knows parts of me that she doesn’t. She probably knows parts that he hasn’t seen, too. When I’ve calmed down, and I see pain in my husband’s eyes, I feel horrible. I know damn well, he doesn’t want to hurt me. He hates to see my tears. He won’t “fight” me, no matter how angry, arrogant, bitchy, mouthy, I get. He isn’t going to harm me. I don’t need to escalate myself to that “fight or flight” level. I think it’s a trigger inside of me that I’m truly not sure I can change? Adam asked me, “Do you know why I spank you?” I think I’d just stared blankly, but he continued, “Because I can get your attention, let you know I’m serious, without actually hurting you.” And, he’s right. I completely agree! I accept it. I appreciate it. I know it’s been a huge benefit, for our marriage, for Adam, and especially, for myself. I’m not an unwilling participant here. I’m not afraid of my husband! My unexpected reactions can stem from things that have nothing to do with anything he’s done to me. I can be frustrated with him, but respond in my old ways, to that frustration. I follow the old script. The one I grew up learning, all those years. I want to “unlearn” those things, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I know I appreciate and love Adam, and all of his patience and understanding, with these things. I couldn’t count how many times he’s dropped everything, to make sure I’m okay. To do his very best to assure me of his love, even if I’ve lost my shit. Even when he’s bringing me into “his office”, there’s a gentleness he never lets go of. He isn’t harsh. He isn’t cruel. He does his utmost, to ensure I understand every why that’s led us here. My God, I have a husband who dearly loves me. Dear readers, please don’t ever mistake what’s essentially just my “diary” here, for a plea for help. I’m human. I need to express myself. I trust my husband, more than any person on this planet. He is the best man I know. I believe he’s the best one in existence, actually.